So it ends

So. The past week has been an intense one for me, and I'm really sorry for not keeping my promise of updating on Tuesday, but I've been so tired after getting home each day, too wiped out to come up with something coherent.

So yeah, where was I? Intense and highly emotional. Ok. So I didn't perform as well as I'd wanted for my own competition. The correct feeling only came out towards the end, and by then, it was too late. I'm not too bothered by the score, TBH. It's just the fact that I trained hard; I really did. Just like I've been doing the whole time. Kinda makes you question if the sport is intentionally rejecting all your efforts, spurning you. And it makes the decision of whether to continue investing more heart and effort would really be worth it or not.

But I digress. Even more than the above, is the realization; sinking in, that it's pretty much over. Yes, I can say that I'll pick it up later when I have the time; and I'm even entertaining the notion of continuing on myself, despite the many barriers and prohibitively high costs I'd face going at it independently. BUT. The times I've had in RISC are over. I term it as such cause for the lack of a more elegant phrase with which to use. There's nothing which could encompass the entire experience; the feelings I have for Yishun the place, the memories that swell upwards as I walk down that path that I must have trodden down hundreds, if not almost a thousand times; alone, at times, and occasionally with a friend or two. The time spent hanging out before AND after training, inane conversations held over lunch/dinner, all things that have been etched indelibly, in one way or another, onto my heart and soul (assuming I do have one, of course) And that's leaving out the immensely personal experiences I've had with shooting, which I shall not go into great detail about right now.
[Yes, I know my sentence structure leaves much to be desired]

Some might say that I'm being foolish, or merely stating the obvious, even. Experiences pass, stages in life pass, life goes on. Screw them. The depth of emotion, the ties, are there, and it's not something I can move on from so easily. Those bittersweet times are an integral part of me, and as I move on, I feel a little empty inside, as if a gap opened up that won't easily be filled.

This mood has made me a little testy, and quite reactionary of late. My thoughtless response to a friend's comment that got on my nerves a little resulted in an unpleasant outcome, which I utterly regret. So I'm trying to sort things out internally, come to grips with the new situation and make the appropriate adjustments. I think I'll succeed, eventually, but please pardon me if in the interim, I lapse into occasional bouts of moodiness..

That aside, I had a really great Good Friday with Angela, Mervyn and Jack. We basically lepaked at Angela's house, which is in this huge, sprawling condo estate that has its own restaurant, kindergarten and whatnot. Quite impressive. We then went cycling at ECP, where the public holiday crowd was so bad that some places were even out of bikes D:

Abrupt ending here.

Just some final thoughts, I'm a little sleepy afterall. It only really struck me as I made my way to Safra today that tomorrow is IT. Not merely the nationals, but the punctuation to these 6 years with shooting. It's a stunning realization. I mean, I've gone about my training, vaguely knowing that the day would come eventually. But now it's TOMORROW. I've been around for practically forever; longer than most of the Safra staff, and one of my juniors found me to be "ancient". So, I don't really know how it'll affect me =/

I'd like to say more, there's so much feeling I need to express, but my mind feels numb now, and I'm lost for words. I'll make up for it tomorrow, I swear.

4 days left, and as the Nats draw closer, I can't really avoid the question any longer: How much do I really care?

It's something that I really can't say for sure, you know.. On one hand, we've known from the start that our chances are next to nothing; 钱教练 even advices us to go on with the mindset that we've got nothing to lose, that anything we manage to gain will only be a bonus. And I know that be true. However, this treacherous part of me, the hopelessly naive optimist is somehow hoping, expecting even, for a miracle to occur. I don't want this, but I can't really stop myself. Guess I'll have to spend some time working on it, I really really don't want to let it affect my performance on Tuesday.

"If it can be proven, it's not faith."
-Source unknown (at least to me. I'm not good at this quote business afterall)

Its context was with regards to religion, but I really think it applies to other aspects of life as well. How often is it that you find yourself reaching out (metaphorically speaking) through efforts and actions without knowing whether what you're reaching for really does exist, or assuming it does, whether you'll ever obtain it? And if you're unsuccessful, that tendril of effort might well wither away, wasted.

"Have faith!" They say. But sometimes it's not easy at all.

96 (Y) Best series ever since my 95 ages ago >< Joy.

Free cone day at B&J's. Rushed down straight after school with Amos, leaving the rest behind. It didn't take that much to realize that opp. costs involved call for immediate action. Talked lots of crap, the ice cream was good too.

So many things happened the past 2 days that it's like my body practically screamed: THAT'S ENOUGH! and made me crash for the entire day. I've been unconscious much of the day, with the transient periods of lucidity spent poring over this GO book I borrowed yesterday and eating ><

PW results released on Friday, the tension just before, being told that our batch really screwed up, all the horror stories, Mr Koh's words, Amos' silent yet vigorous celebration, Tian Yuan taking so long to look as she couldn't believe her eyes, walking up, heart skipping a beat as Miss Heng made some comment which I don't really remember now, and finally, relief mixed with disbelief as my eyes focused on that 'A' on the paper.

Clarissa, Woon Ki and Valerie got their As as well. I think the whole class did, so we got our "Happy ending" I guess. Realized how wrong I was today. I am regretful.

And there are those who didn't. Friends whose results didn't mix expectations. It's hard, nearly impossible to feel happy once you know that fact; knowing as well that there's nothing you can say, or do, to make anything better. Or maybe there is, and I haven't tried hard enough. But really, I don't know.

Got trashed during Weiqi later on. This year's J1s are just way too strong and experienced. Sometimes the only way to see how a sequence will play out is to have played it out before, so you know how things are supposed to go. Feels like fighting a mountain sometimes. No matter how you chip at it, you'll never win.
I need to get me some dynamite.

CDL E-Generation Challenge held yesterday. It's quite cool that it's one of the few (or perhaps the first) events that we had more homogeneous participation from our class in. The thing itself was pretty fun, except for some truly random questions. Some cool spots we went to which I haven't been to before include HortPark (which I really should have known about earlier considering that we were thinking of doing something related to Community Gardening for PW) and Henderson Waves. We didn't win anything, though.

Lunch afterwards, with a lot of what Joo Gian aptly termed "inane chatter" before we finally decided on going to karaoke, which is quickly becoming a staple of our class outings. We seem to be quite unimaginative people at times; though I'd have to agree that it's pretty hard to find something that both the guys and the girls are willing to do.

Cracks me up

It's official, Cracked.com is actually making me into a worse person.

It's a video about a bunch of man-kid-things who're probably a good deal older than myself but are most likely the products of a substantially more liberal than ours. These folks have a dream. A naive one, true, but an admirable dream nonetheless. They want to go around the country, building forts with people, fostering openness, communication, and so on. It actually sounds like a pretty amazing project. Click here if you want to find out more (It's been canceled, sadly) Now people with a more finely-tuned bullshit sensor than myself might start commenting, or even criticizing the feasibility of the project; the temerity of demanding $25,000 in donations of other people's money for what may amount to be no more than a glorified road trip. I leave such questions to those people.

Instead, what bothers me, is that as I watched that video (it's a parody of the original, if you haven't already realized) is that none of the above mattered to me at all. I ended up replaying from the 0.45s mark no less than 5x as some perverse force took hold of me. Sigh.

I could launch straight into a tirade about how pissed off the bio answer scheme makes me; how the sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to budge even a nanometer from its narrow confines makes me feel like I'm stuck within a cage; squashed and constricted. Unfulfilled.

...Guess I just did, at least for awhile, anyway. But since I freaking know the rationale, the reasons (which while pissing off, are really valid) I don't really have the right to indignation anymore, now do I? So I shall set a resolve instead; to work the best I can within these limits, to thrive. I only hope that at the end of the year, my brain isn't so used to the confines that it can take flight no longer. Atrophied.

The main lesson I've learned, the past few weeks; is that the A's aren't about not thinking at all; nothing as simple as that. Instead, they're about putting yourself, metaphorically speaking, in the shoes of those markers thousands of kilometers away, and giving them exactly what they want. Therein lies the key to victory. In that case, don't you find it just a little terrifying that we're counting entirely on our tutors to give us some kind of indication as to what those desires are? All in pursuit of that ever so elusive 'A'

I'd better start taking some courses in long-distance mind reading. Or maybe go a step further and hire some of those Inception folks to put MY answers into those examiners' heads. Now doesn't that sound like an enticing prospect.

Willpower, some guts, and a healthy dose of fear thrown into the mix for good measure can have very potent results. Potent enough that a regular NAPFA re-tester such as yours truly managed to scrape a silver anyway; in no small part due to Mr Seah's efforts, I suspect. I'm kinda proud of the 2.4 performance. Felt like dying somewhere around the 3rd/4th lap but I managed to push myself to not give up, and was even able to summon the energy for a mad dash for the last round; which really, was the only reason I managed to get a D, with merely 2 seconds to spare, no less... And that very tight timing really makes one realize how every single part of the process matters; is crucial, in fact. If I had slowed down just a little bit, even for 10 metres, I'd never have made it.

Haha, but the sprint at the end really affected me, I think. I drank a lot of water after that; and couldn't really stomach anything. Almost puked on the canteen table, but managed to hold it in till I got to the toilet and it ALL came out. I guess I know what it feels like to be a certain laser-firing chimera now - that's the Merlion for you uninitiated folks - ,just gushing water X.X

The following fatigue plagued me for the rest of the day like one of those street salesmen that just sense the weakness in you and keep at you until you eventually, tiredly, give in and buy that random knick-knack which you don't really need at all...but I digress. Couldn't really focus that much on shooting, the feeling wasn't really there, and I messed up quite a bit. Haix.

That's enough narration. There's been cause, and pretty much a lot of capacity for my thoughts to wander around, in and out, up and down. It's a pretty idle process, as my mind basically analyzes and catalogs all sorts of things; filing useful and not-so-useful tidbits in haphazard manner. Bleh.

Chop chop

New experience today: chopping open coconuts myself, coconuts which we'd cut down from the tree in the backyard the day before. Pretty cool, don'cha think?

It was quite terrifying at first since the chopper was sharp (duh) and there was always the risk of chopping off a few appendages unintentionally. It ended up being really fun though. I really don't want to have to chop open the remaining 30 odd ><

That's about it for my horrifically unproductive weekend. I didn't manage to gr town to any of the work I'd decided to do. Oh wells.

Escape

Haha, release today, not with a "pshh" sound but rather to the flash of muzzle fire, headless corpses falling - not headfirst, of course - to the ground and Amos gleefully grinding into unresisting zombie flesh. All to a 4 hour soundtrack of carnage and destruction. Pent up frustration, pissed-offness and whatnot diffused, or at least forgotten and left behind during that period, as we just kept running, and killing, running and killing. And in the end, make an escape; if only momentarily.

But real life's not like that. We all know that. As the saying goes, 躲得了一时，躲不了一世, or something like that. Can't keep running, eventually we'll have to take a stand. Escapism from reality in momentary flights of fancy is perfectly fine; enjoyable even. I can't deny that I had ALOT of fun yesterday, that it relieved me of pressure. But at the same time, I know that I'll have to knuckle down and start doing something about the actual CAUSE of the pressure in the first place.

Which I plan to do with alacrity. So there.

Bravery

Shamelessly koped from my coach:

谈射击的勇气：勇气是建立自信的前提，而自信又是发挥技能的

主要条件。如果选择了勇气，血液就会沸腾，浑身充满力量，呼

吸深稳，思路清晰，随即挺起腰身，昂起自信的头颅，自信的眼

神，大胆迎战一切的困难。如此的坚定，逆境又怎能不被你征

服？如果谢绝勇气，放弃的思维就会强大，血液则会凝固，肌肉

开始僵硬，畏缩着拳脚，低垂着脑门，唯有期待着幸运光临，殊

不知幸运往往是强者的宠儿。话到此，是选择勇气还是选择放

弃，聪明的人，当然知道自己该选择什么？

Sorry for the font > < Hope you understand the Chinese :P

After some time to think, I'm moving forward, of course. It was a pretty drastic way to dispel the ennui though. 

Reflect

Like a wounded beast seeking refuge in its cave.

Disappointment, despair. A wake up call, I guess.

It's not as simple as flicking a switch. Things won't change so easily; merely because you say you will.
Even knowing that, let me go out on a limb and say this: I swear I will. I'll put in the time and effort, I won't give up. I'll do it as long as it takes to get it right, and then somemore. Cause I really don't want to think about the consequences if I don't.

There's no need to say more. Hopefully this topic won't have to recur.

Aside, I read this interesting article about voluntourism today. Go take a look.

Hope after a period of utter crap? Only time will tell. I'll do my best with my doppelgänger.

Didn't realize how emo I sounded previously until I re-read the post. Well, things're better now, I'm just going to take it slow and work from there.

The CTs forecast doesn't look so optimistic I'm afraid

I'm disappointed. In myself. It's not about the score anymore, cause it's really gotten to the point where there isn't much of a performance to look forward to in the Nats any longer. I don't really care about the medal that I won't get. And I know that I haven't trained for a week. But never did I expect my condition to be so horrible, to not be able to get it right at all. And after that, allowing myself to be so distracted by it that I couldn't even pull myself together to salvage the rest of it. I'm only glad that it wasn't the real thing; I don't think I could stand a repeat of last year's events.

Maybe another way to look at it would be to try to work on the weaknesses that surfaced today; and I've duly noted them, mentally, at least. But it's a daunting task that awaits, made even more so by the pressing lack of time. So much to do, and I don't know whether my spirit's up to the task. I'll have to tap upon more reserves in the coming 3 weeks. And to be honest, for the first time, I'm really unsure about whether my heart's in this.

I've got to get myself sorted out before this goes any further!

Heh, the initiative I'd decided to start today while in the shower kind of panned-out after some time spent aimlessly spent on the comp, seems like the resolve was just sapped away. I'll do it tomorrow!

Psychometric test for the PSC thing. The mathematical and logical portions were fine I guess, but it was quite interesting to see how they crafted the contexts and various situations in order to analyze our judgment. Kinda gives an insight into the real world for an admittedly naive person like me. I'm not sure whether I handled it well enough though.

The personality portion on the other hand...I don't really know lah, some of the questions seem to be merely about the human condition, or more specifically, being a student. I mean, after 12 years of formal schooling, which you would not have suffered soul-crushing depression, or ever been so stressed that they felt like giving up. "Felt" being the operative here, by the way. There doesn't seem to be much leeway for a guy who appreciates such minor technicalities. And I realize that on certain aspects, I'm not completely firm as of yet. I think that that's perfectly natural, by the way. One needs time to explore perhaps previously hidden facets of one's personality after all. But I obviously see the allure of someone with clear goals, morals, strong foundations upon which everything is grounded. Very attractive, but not me, at least; not now.

I find myself struggling, really. To keep to the principles which I deem to be my own. And not always simply because it's what I think is right, but because I have to hold on to something. I disgust myself at times. But my hope is that by forcing myself to, even when it harms me to do so, may ingrain them into me, and give me something that is truly mine. So no, when I act, it's not always spontaneous, not always from the goodness of my heart. I just hope you don't think too badly of me for it.

Crossroads

I don't know how to put this into words, exactly, but I'll give it a shot.

It's pretty much like what Kevin was telling me last year, really. As the year progresses - CTs, trainings, relationships, uni talks, other miscellaneous stuff - I get the feeling that the decisions, the choices that are accumulated keep on gaining weight, and this whole mass of possibility is inexorably pushing me down life's path. "Now, how's this any different from any other time?" You may ask, and well, to me it's simply the weight that each decision has. In the past, it was perfectly fine to do whatever I wanted for fun, being whimsical was perfectly acceptable. Heck, there might have been consequences, but nothing I couldn't recover from. But now, that's totally different; for reasons I shouldn't even have to elaborate upon.

It's quite scary, really. And I notice that the fear to bear the burden and responsibility sometimes engenders a certain cavalier attitude and bravado towards life. I've seen it in myself at times. It's far from my place to pass judgment on the behaviour of others, but at least for myself, I have to start treating things much more seriously.
It's time to grow up, much as the child in me wishes not to do so.

Well...yeah. As I type into the night, the CTs ended just yesterday, on a pretty positive note for me, at least. While I still haven't managed to realize that elusive ideal of actually completing a paper for once, Bio was the first paper that I felt satisfied doing, and pretty much the only one which I could walk away from; barest hints of a smile plastered upon my face (and no, it had nothing to do with it being the last paper). Chemistry on the day before was an utter disaster, which I fully intend to remedy in the time to come.

I'm feeling the slightest tinge of guilt for missing trainings this whole week, thrice due to mugging for the CTs, and once as we went out to celebrate its completion. Really enjoyable =)

Screwed, and not in the good way :P

Econs mugging was messed up, I'd set aside 1 day for it, which actually proved to be an okay period of time, but I spent so much time in between being distracted and all, and ended up only finishing at 4am. I fail, seriously. And that's after missing out on the family outing where they apparently went to have Jap food, ice cream and so on...

During the test, I kinda realised that all that last-min cramming was pointless anyway, not like everything came out, and it's not like I could write everything down fast enough anyway. I don't think I did too badly though, hoping for a pass at the very least.

As a delightful after effect of this morning's mugging, I'm feeling pretty sick now. I'd intended to stay back in school, revise a little math then move on to chem but I went home at 5 since my nose was dripping way too much. Chem will have to wait till tomorrow.

Now imagine this snow globe, if you will. It's got all the regular fixtures, perhaps a reindeer-drawn sleigh, a little cottage, and this snowman standing outside the door waving at you. 
Now shake it.
The snow rises. A flurry, shifting whiteness, you can't really see what's inside anymore. Not distinctly at least. Nothing's clear. It takes a while to settle, but when it does...nothing's quite the same anymore.
And in the swirling whiteness, all the snowman can do is keep waving, and hope that he lands right-side up, that everything he has doesn't simply disappear, into the white. 

Yes. I have a magical snow globe.

A rueful feeling

Exhausted. 547 for rifle, 514 for pistol. Not that the scores mean anything, if at all. First time seriously shooting rifle in 3 months, and it just made me realize how much more I like it than pistol. It's a lot more fun, a lot less frustrating, more enjoyable as a whole. I would talk more about the process if I weren't so sian, so there. I'm pretty amazed how fast I picked everything back up though, it's just the small things which I couldn't compensate for.

Pistol was quite fail since my arm didn't have much strength left, couldn't allow the gun to drop properly + I was pretty mentally drained from rifle. No excuses though. I'll have to do better during training. I'm quite ashamed that I was quite overwhelmed by dark thoughts at the end. "Hard work is overrated"...I'm going to do so much worse than with rifle and that's after 3 months of hardcoring the former and totally dropping the latter...Coach doesn't care about me...I'm just being forced into this @!#! that I have absolutely no aptitude for...and so on. It's a wonder I managed to finish properly.

And that's the difference between rifle and pistol for me. Rifle is a fulfilling process of self-discovery where you come out a little more mature than when you went in, a better person for having done it. But pistol... ...oh pistol is wading through a swamp. The viscous fluid impedes progress, and really, there's not much progress to speak of. No markers to indicate where you're going, how far you've traveled. Could be eternally going around in circles for all I know. And there's not much room for growth, or to be more precise, recognizing growth. And the worse thing is: Just when you think you've finally gotten out; or at least have 1 foot out of the mire, it finds a way to suck you back in again. You have my word on that.

Yeah. I have a love/hate relationship with shooting X_x

Randomly, I realize that I have cast aside all pretence at having a life. Case in point: My mother freaking offered to get me an Iphone 4, shiny data plan and all, and I flat out rejected her. Thinking about oh-so-mundane concerns such as: "I don't really need an Iphone" , "I'll be going into NS next year, so no need for such an expensive plan". I am such a genius (Y).

Just a few paragraphs worth of venting/whining. Off to shower and do some math > <

So I guess what it boils down to (or perhaps I just thought it up on the spot) is what makes things & even people special and/or unique in the first place. What makes you come here? The ideas? Nothing special; I'm sure. The presentation? I doubt it. The person? Flattering, but no. I honestly have no idea, and that scares me.

Is there something immutable yet indescribable, hinted at but unseen? I'd appreciate it if someone could tell me.

I'm shooting in a comp tomorrow. I'll probably be miserable after it, based on how training went today, but that's something I'll leave till then. Rifle will be fun I guess. I admit that I'm secretly hoping to 一鸣惊人 with my rifle results tomorrow but that's just me being foolish. I just want to go through it without heartbreak. Not being too fatigued to take on pistol would be an added bonus; especially given the shitty condition my arm's been in lately. The muscles are all messed up, out of synch and I think my triggering has taken a turn for the worse. Not too optimistic bout my performance...

I randomly started thinking about thinking, and how everyone does it. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous when I put it like that, but at least for myself, it's very easy to get caught up in one's own arrogance and self-righteousness, and forget that the thoughts that occur within this little fishbowl that's my head aren't really all that unique. That they're shared by so many others, that others aren't just soporific vessels, mushrooms or whatever. Something's going on behind that pair of eyes; I just don't know what. On a tangent, it's like I kinda assumed that nothing would change if I stood still. And that's what "they" always say, isn't it? And that's the furthest thing possible from the truth. Not even a cog in the machine, maybe even outside it.

After all that monologue, what's the point? Nothing at all =) Thanks for your time.

I dislike Dao-ists =S [and that's just because "hate" is a word I could never apply to Jack]

Ended up going swimming with my bro on Sat instead of going down to NUS, mostly due to a total lack of response from anyone I contacted. It was fun, though. Especially when you lie just beneath the water surface and look up at the sky... I'm starting to sound like a deprived kid, so I'll just leave it at that. I'm quite pathetic though, couldn't swim more than 1 lap without having to stop to catch my breathe. A far cry from passing the swimming test last time. Playing in the jacuzzi and letting the bubbles inflate my trunks was mad fun as well!

Today was pretty productive, but I've got to do a lot more if I want to be ready in a week.

PM PE  wasn't particularly tiring, albeit a little impossible but it left me with difficulty walking, so I hobbled up to Weiqi, taking small steps, not big - that'd hurt too much - leg muscles cramping. Quite pathetic tbh. I finally managed to finish a game on the 大板 today; though I lost pretty terribly as I'm quite unused to it. It's a big step up from the smaller one, where everything is so much easier to see, and I could beat Eliz without much difficulty. It's just so much easier to feel in control.

I skipped training today (oh the horror!) due to the muscle pain; and a rapidly developing case of shooting elbow as SY calls it. I'm not dying to feel the effects of over-training anytime soon, though they should have hit me a long time ago all things considered. I don't feel that guilty though.

Somehow or other, I managed to match my P.B for pistol (set at the end of Sec 3 no less) on Thursday without really feeling that I had achieved anything. It's probably cause it's way too low, and perhaps that my 境界 has risen; as coach would put it. I now know that if I want to perform moderately well, I can't just force myself to keep on shooting when my form is bad. A break is beneficial. Well...I actually knew all of that already, but being more that a little stubborn, Thursday was the first time I actually managed to execute it moderately well. Now if only I hadn't shot that stray 5... I'll do better next training =)

Now enjoy this fascinating picture of a water flea:

Mr Ngan really can't draw to save his life. There's a certain striking likeness to what he drew on the board in class though. Perhaps it's the strange arm-like appendages xP

Lastly: CTsCTsCTsCTs crapIdon'tthinkthere'senoughtimetostudyomgno. And I'll probably be going for the NUS OpenHouse, either today or tomorrow, depending on whether I can drag some people to go down with me =X

After all the flak I've been getting in GP tutorial for random stuff, it's kind of sad how I just committed suicide in the CTs by picking my question "for fun" =/

I'd originally wanted to write this question about governments, and I had already written it down on the paper, all ready to start planning. But another question about nature just sort of demanded my attention and practically forced me to write it, so I just went along, and well...random stuff from PW just started plonking itself on the paper. I'm not 100% sure about the relevance though, so I'm just hoping for the best, I guess...

Trained right after the CT ended; practically rushed down in fact. It was marginally better, so that's good. I spent some time in school afterwards to get some math done. I'm so slow that it's not even funny anymore. There just doesn't seem to be the time to get anything done, no matter how long I stay back after school each day to play a little catch-up. Argh, I don't really feel like giving up on the CTs just yet, but things aren't looking good.

I found out today, quite by accident that some people talk about me behind my back. Somehow, at this very moment, I can't really say that I'm overly bothered by that.

I'm quite a coward > <

Anw, shot a mock competition today, and I could have done a lot better. I have to get a lot better with competition skills, like stopping once I shoot 2 8s in a row and so on. Well actually my continuing to shoot even then stems from a lack of confidence in my own ability. Shooting 8s consecutively just doesn't seem so out of place to me. Gotta raise my standards.

GP CT tmr, haven't put in the required amount of effort, but it's a little too late to do anything now, so...nights ;)

Competing next next Wednesday. Thankfully it's not the Nationals, I'm not quite prepared for that yet. It's the NTUIS, and I'll be competing in both Rifle and Pistol Divisions. I was kind of looking towards shooting rifle again, but I haven't had any time to train at all, not to mention that my rifle is now being used by Mingze so I have no weapon to use now. I'm not adverse to renting one from Safra, but I can't even imagine how much work it'll take to make all the necessary adjustments =.=

Furthermore, I'll be shooting rifle and pistol on the same day! Not to mention that I'll be shooting them in consecutive details - that's timing slots for you non-shooters - with less than an hour's break in between. Joy. I have to admit that I'm kinda looking forward to it, though. Half-hoping for a miracle to occur, and half just wanting to see how badly I'll do. I don't want to pull down Shaofei's and Daniel's scores though.

I haven't gotten any work done this weekend...too tired after the camp, and I've just burned my time sleeping and slacking. Gotta work harder!

Camp's over, had fun, though I suspect that I'd have probably enjoyed myself more if I hadn't been involved in organizing it, and all the running around to get things ready, (though Yi Ling and Rach did so much more!) which kind of creates a wee bit of distance that I'm horrible at closing.

Not-so-random philosophical discourse with Marcus, and I kinda realised how I've stopped thinking recently; got so involved in the flow of things that my brain just shut off, and everything's just been responding, responding, responding. I have no idea whether that's supposed to be good or bad though.

And I've realised once again, that I'm not a big-group person. I prefer 1-on-1 interaction, feels much more meaningful, though of course that in part is because I just can't compete. Can't grasp and make myself a part of those dynamics which seem ever so important. Hate the way person to person interaction gets subsumed by the group. It's the loser's perspective, I know. It's mine.

I need to re-work my brain's circuitry.

A level results were released on Friday. Somehow I didn't feel elated or anything about my A in Chinese. Just numb. Of course I'm glad I got it, but it just doesn't feel like anything significant to me.
Watching the release of the results did give me some kind of motivation and impetus to start working, but then again, I don't know how long it'll last.

I have no idea why I'm feeling so negative today -.-

Shooting camp after school today, it'll be fun, I hope. Be back on Sat.

I know it's unbelievable but I just recently realized the value of doing work. And I've been trying to phase in changes to my schedule such that I actually get myself to do it. I think I've been getting a good balance between training and work these past few days. But doing work is freaking unproductive! Irony, I know. But honestly, I'm new at this so I don't really know whether it's normal. Should I be spending upwards of 3-4 hours in order to complete a single tutorial? What a waste of time... Yes, there's the retarded feeling of self-satisfaction, and I'm going to continue with it, but just something worth thinking about for me.

I've been doing better in training; my basic standard's been rising of late. However, I've really not been doing anything special at all, just training. So I don't know. Past breakthroughs have been based on sudden epiphanies; the kind of realization that just hits you, and you just roll along with it. But this time it's different. It feels like a very plain, straightforward kind of thing. It's not like I've suddenly got a good feeling and can shoot 10s at will. I...don't quite know how to describe it, so forgive the rambling. I guess it's just the feeling that I'm able to carry out my 动作 much, much better now, and when I don't do it correctly, I can really feel it. I can feel my arm sliding out of position when my arm's fatigued, and moving slightly off-course the moment I trigger. And when I'm good, I can keep it there. Something like that. It's good, I think.

An indicator or signal would be nice. Just to know that I'm getting through. One can wish >_<

Biomed stuff ended yesterday with the Symposium, after which I came back, showered, and slept for 13 hours straight, from 7 to 8 >_< Guess I shouldn't have stayed back in school so late just to get in some last min mugging (and skipping training no less!)

The symposium itself was pretty underwhelming tbh. After the many training sessions we had by our seniors, and all the effort put it, what we had to do in the end didn't make the effort seem all that worthwhile. The MCQ questions we got were more trivia-ish, and thus a matter of guessing, and the presentation question we got (on hypertension) wasn't that tough to handle as well. And while the exhibitions were part of the symposium programme, the time allocated to viewing them overlapped with the time we had to prepare for our presentation, so I didn't get to see them at all... Imo the greatest takeaways I got were more from the trainings in the run-up to it, which were really awesome and interesting; and the work with my group members, who were cool, funny and retarded (in a good way!). The silver medal I got out of it was just an additional bonus : P

The awards ceremony was hilarious. While I appreciate the effort spent on honouring everyone's achievements, does that really justify spending around 2 hours calling people up on stage 1 by 1 to present them with their prizes? Not to mention the fact that prize-winners weren't informed beforehand, and that prizes were given bottom-up so to speak, so there was a lot of heart-pounding excitement. And the conflict between hoping that one's name is called - no matter the award - and hoping that you're not called for a lower award and instead a higher one. Barely hidden anticipation. Coupled with the fear that my name wouldn't be called. Encouragement by teammates who kept insisting that I'd done well. And finally relief after finally being called. Lingering thoughts on what'd have happened if I'd just done that little bit better. Haha, I'm quite a weak-minded person afterall.

So yup, it's over, now time to focus a little bit more on my ailing studies I suppose (though I can't say the symposium detracted from them that much!) and I've got a shoot later tonight.

Shitty day on the whole, and I'm on a downwards spiral. Or actually, I've always been going down, it's just that till recently, I've been too intently looking somewhere else to actually take note of my surroundings. As someone famous (or soon to be, at the very least I'm sure) once said: I'm sinking in a cesspool of shit.

And I'm starting to doubt the truth behind the smile plastered on my face; the lame jokes I crack, and the optimism I try so hard to exude. It's tempting to just screw it and not bother, but the senselessness helps to relieve everything, if only a little. But I sense detachment occurring, and I really don't know what to do especially since a part of me welcomes it so much.

Emo perhaps. But whatever. I'm a little too strapped for time to end this on my usual optimistic note.

Recent addiction to Ramly Burgers. Now I know exactly why they're so famous. It's been some time since I last bit into a piping hot burger with the most perfect blend of sauces ever. Mmm.

How do I get my presence acknowledged?

WEIQI IHC CHAMPS WOOHOO!

Played pretty well today, though credit for victory has to go to our super awesome J1 ace who won all her games definitively. T'was close for me. 1 loss out of 4, with my last victory being a mere difference of 2 stones, following huge blunders by myself. Both my teammates had finished their games, with one victorious while the other conceded by 4 points. Victory or defeat hung in the balance. Things didn't look good. A persistent comeback by me, fighting for and clinging onto every single empty bit of space on the board eventually let me scrape my win, and with it, 1st place for MR! XD

Baby Griffles looks so cute okay. I don't care that our biomed trainer Liang Yi was appalled at what our school mascot has become, and that if you cover the beak, the head looks just like a pig, or a cat with pig ears. I got IHC champs shirt as well, though it's S-sized atm. Shall get it changed soon.

Delight. Though yet one more person has pointed out that I'm easy to bully and thus fun to make fun of =/ Shit.

Played for MR in the Chinese Chess IHC today. We won 2 of our lineups, drawed 2 and lost 1 to come in third. And personally, I didn't lose a single match at all! But I felt really guilty about my wins, since 2 of them were against newbs, like I managed to win this guy in 30 seconds with a 双炮将 which is literally the oldest trick in the book =/ like seriously, I used to keep winning my bro with it when he was in P4 I think till he finally wised up to it. I even had 1 walkover cause the other guy I was meant to play against had to leave. My final 2 wins weren't  quite as easy, but they weren't rightfully mine either >_< In the second last match, I was down on pieces after an unwise trade-off. I persevered however, and managed to stave death off for more than 10 mins to win by time. In the last, I made the EXACT SAME UNWISE TRADEOFF, but managed to grasp victory through a total cheapo. So today wasn't the most trying session I've ever had, but it was quite fun, despite the ever-present feeling of guilt T.T Hope I didn't quench any budding passions for chess today.

I think I'm gradually finding the motivation to start working, but it's so troublesome and time-consuming. Maybe it's just because I'm slow, but I took almost an hour to do the Math Assignment and just forever to get any work done. Is that how it's supposed to be? Any advice? =/
Even though I stay back quite a bit, I really don't know if I have what it takes to devote that amount of time to work, other commitments not-withstanding.


While it may not seem that way to others, I find myself becoming more distant, aloof and detached, and there's been a resurgence of my cynical side of late. Sometimes it seems like it's a cyclical kind of thing, but I don't really want to fall into this rut all over again.

Else there'd be no proof of advancement, would there?

Politics is the art of persuasion. Discuss.

One point I alluded to in my essay regarding the above: Merely having the ability to persuade others to follow you wholly insufficient. Competence is key.

The only difference between a persuasive incompetent and a non-persuasive one is just the number of people you bring down with you.

Self-serving leadership that somehow benefits the greater good vs leadership for the greater good. I wonder who can tell the difference. And even more, does anyone really care?

Bro's friends came over to study today. I seem to have been conscripted as free homework help. Grr.

Shooting interviews. Fate of people in my hands and all that. And I can't help but wonder, 5 years ago; just what was it that made this amazing senior; captain in Sec 3, headboy in Sec 4, decide to allow this not-so-small Sec 1 who said that he wanted to join shooting to "strengthen his arms" into the club, over the hundreds of others that applied as well. Did he see anything, perhaps? I'll never know.

It's refreshing to see the new interest and passion our interviewees had, though a dark part wonders how much of it is real, and how long it could possibly last. Even so, I could tell some people really wanted to join, and I'm kinda glad we didn't have to eliminate so many people this time.

Can't really express my thoughts and feelings bout this properly, it just means so much more to me than the significance of the event probably should hold.

Yeah...and after the interviews ended, the RG veteran (?) shooters decided to conduct "interviews" of their own, and I ended up being the subject. Retarded responses FTW. Hehx at least it seems like I have fun juniors this year.

Mmm and I somehow managed to epic fail twice within 12 hours. First was coming back after training after the interviews. I was kinda tired, so I took a seat even though the train was at Admiralty and just...fell asleep. Normally when I overshoot Marsiling, I wake up at Kranji, chuckle at my foolishness then take the other train back, but this time, I actually only woke up at Bukit Gombak...

Second one was that I slept at 6 am today after...um...watching KoB. It's too awesome already. I only woke up when KH woke me up after my biomed groupmate called my phone multiple times. I ended up being 2 hours late for the meeting, and that was after spending $12 on  cab ride...

People have been laughing at me too much of late...I'm not some circus act for your enjoyment 'k?

Just failed again. Not telling what, since I doubt I'd be able to show my face in public again if it were to be revealed..

The popularization of things confessional, accusatory in nature. The need to spout a new revelation every single time, as if everything we say, do, or think isn't just a done-to-death re-hash of something that's already been brought into this world. The world is running out of ideas. So no need to be radical for radical's sake; for that attempt's doomed to failure. So much more, I'd appreciate, honesty, simple and true, regardless how boring and pedestrian. No masks, no lies, no facades. Simply; the truth.

Spammage of the rule of three. Low brow, crass, inelegant (here I go again!) but that's my style, so leave it be.

Information overload from Biomed stuff. As I was telling Kieng Wee, the syllabus they gave us didn't look half so heavy as what we've got to cover. Pathology is just...so much. Seriously.
First presentation: "Ok, looks good, everything makes sense" *Takes notes actively, pen just flies across the paper*
Second presentation: "Oh my, that's a bit tough" *Jots down a few pointers*
Third presentation: "WHY WON'T IT STOP!" *Attempts to maintain semblance of attention*
Fourth presentation: "..." *Brain dead*
Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad. But quite mentally taxing either way, but from the ratio of information retained : information loss : information that simply went over my head things don't look too good XD
It's interesting, though, and what I do retain is some pretty darn cool stuff.


Gave someone a shock after today's session ended, looked like they'd seen a ghost :P

Two days of GP essays in a row, YEAH! I think I did really, really well! *cuts back on sarcasm* Haha, but I realized that towards the end of an essay, my writing style becomes more free, and disproportionately more pompous and arrogant. The level of crap goes up, and I start to lose focus on the main argument; going off tangent about this startling new revelation that I JUST have to share with the rest of the world. Or maybe just the poor, bewildered reader of my essay. Hopefully all the circles around around the poor guy somehow let me get an A at the end of the day.

Chem tutorial today was a disaster, and a further reminder that I've got to buck up, fast. Couldn't even answer those simple questions =.=

I stayed back in school after today's trials to finish up my incomplete essay (took way too long) and embark upon some math. And I kinda experienced what Jack said about the addictive feeling of doing work; and I think I'll be able to do more next time, as long as I have absolutely nothing around me to distract me (the notion of computers as productivity enhancers is simply amusing).

Trials hehe. Much to be desired. No further comment. It's really interesting to see how ideological differences play out so obviously once it comes to real life.

Oh and I'm signed up for the NTUIS as both a pistoler and rifler (terms which don't really exist in case you were wondering). Splendid. Or at least it would be; if coach hadn't passed my rifle on to my dear junior (no sarcasm this time) after her's malfunctioned. It's also quite sad how Marcus, Yi Ling and Yelin don't seem to have been selected to participate.

Hate MT promises.

I've overshot my MRT stop because I was sleeping on multiple occasions before, but Friday was the first time I ever undershot. I was so tired after Take 5 + our class outing that I was drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness the moment I got a seat a Jurong East. A moment of panic induced by my father calling me cause he was locked out of the house jolted me awake and sent me stumbling out of the MRT. I only realized I had gotten off at the wrong stop as I took the escalator down and found that the surroundings looked decidedly unfamiliar =.=

Tiring Take 5 was, but it was the most fun I've had in awhile. Jack, Sandra, Roxanne and me participated in the Amazing Race which basically boiled down to running laps up and down between the beaches and Beach Station of Sentosa, along the same stretch of road as we moved from station to station. The stations were quite interesting though. There was this one where we had to answer some NE questions, where I realized all that "knowledge" drilled into me over the past 10 years of Social Studies has disappeared just like that. *poof* I mean, none of us could even say what the 5 stars on Singapore's flag represent -.-''' others had us sing CNY songs backwards (quite a challenge!), do footdrills and other random stuff. This station had soap bubbles sloshed on our shirts, and Roxanne and Sandra had to use pathetically weak water guns to squirt them off. Luckily it was quite windy (assisted by some surreptitious blowing on our parts while the organizers weren't looking) so they had some help with that. Salt water got into my mouth and well...it tasted salty. WOW. We even got to take the LUGE for free. You take this ski lift-like thing where you stand in a yellow box, and just wait for the contraption to move up behind you and plop yourself down on it. The whole thing then carries you up up up over trees and so on, then you take something like a Go-Cart down. We had to look out for words on the way down, so didn't go too fast :/ "Your friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life" (Y)
For the last station, we had to carry each other, while the guy below kicked this ball past the goal line. Well, Jack couldn't carry me, obviously, so I ended up carrying him across my shoulders in a fireman's lift while Sandra piggybacked Roxanne and we succeeded.

We went for lunch and karaoke after that. So yeah, there was a choice between either a 2 or 4 hour package, and 4 hours seemed way too long, so we went with the 2 hour one. But time just flew by, and we wanted to continue some more, so ended up paying extra to extend it. After that, we wandered around Toys'R'Us to burn some time around dinner; and spent our time making totally random comments about all the toys we saw, "reliving our childhoods". Dinner was spent at the Soup Spoon after much deliberation, and that was it for the class outing.

I'd like to spend some time indulging in our national sport and complaining about how tiring the week's been, with me going back at 9+ on the first 3 days, sleeping for around 3 hours per night, and going back to school on Sat as well; but I'm not a champion at doing so, it's mostly my fault and I really don't want to come off as a douche, so I'll leave things be.

Mr Tang's been quite critical and I seem to be arrowed quite a bit, though of course I know that nothing's supposed to be taken personally. But honestly, don't you think that it's fair for me to be a little miffed that when I went up to present my essay outline, he not only critiqued my points, but also saw fit to bring up my penmanship, even going to the extent where he mentioned that if he were a Cambridge marker, he "just wouldn't want to give me an A, and if the content originally merited a 35, he'd give a 34 just for the sake of it"? He even got samples of the other guys' handwriting to contrast to LOL. I know it's true though, so I'll work on it...






P.S If you noticed that I used the semi-colon a lot less this time, it can be attributed to our dear GP tutor pointing out my flagrant disregard for sentence structure when applying it, resulting in sentence fragments. Woe is me.

Heh, I'm spamming some Korean drama now. Baking King FTW. I'll do my work tomorrow, er...I mean today, promise.

Had a randomly fun family outing today. First we went to this field near my house to go fly kite, literally. However, there was scant flying and more crazy running around as we tried to get the kite up into the air. Insufficient string and a kite that I highly suspect was meant purely to be ornamental meant that we did not see much success. In fact, our multiple vain attempts resulting in said kite being dragged in the mud and eventually; being broken apart, so much for its ornamental value =.=

Next was a long drive with no particular destination in mind. We finally decided to go have a look at Marina Bay Sands by way of elimination. Not to the casino though; we do have minors afterall. Just to have a stroll around, take a look at all the shops selling branded goods which I don't expect to grace with my patronage in the course of my natural lifespan, and just see what things were like in general.

And yeah, they have this gigantic bowl positioned over a water feature downstairs, and tourists kept trying to toss coins into the hole in the center. Some coins rolled on edge up the slope, and came rolling down again; back and forth, back and forth. I expected those that didn't go in to just remain in the bowl for collection, but turns out water gushes out of outlets in the sides of the bowl, washing everything downwards. Makes collection of the "tips" pretty darn convenient, doesn't it?

By some freak chance, I happened to run into Sherri at Borders while we were waiting for a free table for lunch/dinner. Being called "Christopher" out of the blue gave me a shock...

Food was nice, mussels in white wine, pumpkin soup, and fish & chips. Mmm.

That's about it, I guess.

Anyway, it's back to school in a couple of days; trainings are gonna be shifted back to the RJ range as well, we've got trials & JAE CCAFeste to deal with, and I'll have symposium training sessions as well. I'm really worried, since I'm pretty sure the trainings will conflict, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it.

The thing about gun allocation is a concern to me as well, I've already had it happen to me last year, and I don't want a repeat now, of all times, especially when I'm trying to nail everything down, build up some consistency. I don't want my hammer to be taken away from me just as I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without it, of course. I'd hammer this nail in with my bare hands if necessary; just saying that I'd love it if I get to keep this hammer, for once. DX

CNY visiting at my 外婆's place: 4 parts sleeping, 2 parts eating, 2 parts playing C.Chess with my 外公, 1 part sitting around awkwardly and the last part spent greeting relatives >.<

It's quite strange, or normal I guess that I don't have much to say to those relatives I only see once every year, and whose only comments are: 哇，你张得那么大了！ So I end up just sitting on the sofa as the parents and grandparents chatter incessantly among themselves. And, I don't know; it's amazing to me that they know each other to that extent, and have all the details engraved in their heads; while I don't even know my third cousin's great uncle or whatever at all. How to survive in the adult world like this...

My 外公 loves to play Chinese Chess so he keeps challenging us to play with him. I'm usually able to beat him (albeit by a small margin) but today, I made this crucial mistake early on that put me on the defensive for the rest of the game. I fought desperately to hold on - which I actually find to be the most enjoyable part of playing - and he sportingly followed without pressing the large advantage he had in the most boring manner. The game dragged on for over an hour, and I eventually lost...I don't really mind though =)

Breakthrough =D
It wasn't really an epiphany, but rather gaining an insight into the execution of the whole process through repeated grinding. I kinda realized that there's no need to think so much about what's wrong, or even whether I'm doing it correctly. Just. Execute. Done. It sounds quite weird, but that's because I'm trying to capture the feeling in words; and everyone knows I utterly fail at doing that. But anyway, it's quite heartening to see the changes I've been making and disciplining myself to enforce working out and producing results. It makes me feel like if I just continue on properly, I'll actually be able to get somewhere with this.

I've got to start digging up reading material for that Biomed Symposium; when I attended this session held by an alumnus who's now into surgery yesterday, most of it just flew way over my head. It wasn't just my lack of knowledge though; more than that, it was the frantic pace at which he threw out terms and the windy train of thought. He was interesting, though, with many of the traits some member of the public would expect of the "typical" Rafflesian which however aren't really all too common among many of us today.

Not even an hour into CNY and the phone's buzzing with well-wishes; FB is absolutely flooded with them and I've just had my first truly legit reason for staying up late this year. Not bad, not bad at all ~

Reunion dinner with my cousins, aunt and grandparents was pretty much the same as previous years: Stuffing my face at the buffet, forcing myself to shovel down excess food which they took, playing around with my cousins; doing the eyebrow thing for their amusement >< haha it was quite fun.

P.S The okonomiyaki at NorthPoint is really quite good; at least for someone with as pedestrian a palate as mine. The only disappointment was realizing that it was made totally of veggies -.- we should have taken a MUCH closer look at the menu before ordering XD

Made quite alot of progress wrt to consistency in today's training. Now that I see a way to proceed, things seem to be looking up somehow. Direction is such a wonderful thing to have.

I got into the Biomed Symposium. Both amazing and totally unexpected. I'm a little worried that I'm not good enough, but I'll just give it my best, and hopefully, not drag the team down >.<

I've got a clearer focus in training now, mostly due to 钱教练's comments after last Sunday's monthly shoot. I decided that I'd just work on getting that one sequence right, and training so that I can do it unhesitatingly. Today's training results weren't optimal, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

So...the boring part:
举枪： Raise the gun to the highest point, relax my shoulder, so that it's "down"
落枪： Just let gravity sort of pull the gun down without resisting it so much. As the gun enters the card, start pulling on the trigger, and start increasing the amount of resistance.
进入瞄区: Increase the resistance, and once in the aiming area, just sort of decide to not let the gun drop any further. 2nd pressure should be reached within 2 secs of entering.
力量保持
Done.

Trainings have been awesome, since I get to talk to and mess around with my ccamates =)

I resolve to pull up my socks, and mug seriously.

Stayed back after lessons with YYJ today to do some work. We had dinner after that, then I left for training.

I shot a 60 shot 练习 this time, and I must say that my condition wasn't good at all...couldn't feel any energy going through my arm and my 力量保持 was horrible as well. I adapted, though and I think the shakiness of my gun actually helped me "let go" and pull the trigger more confidently. I didn't do that well, only hitting 518, with the overall score being marred by the second series of 81 Dx

Heh, Yong Jin's indomitable confidence in my ability is invigorating, and I promised that I'd work a lot harder to become a worthy "adversary" for him, help to push him to mug more and what not. Lame, but cool.

Shooting. The courage to go on, regardless the consequence; how bad could it be after all? Or rather the confidence that as long as you do that one thing just right, your training will handle the rest. Just keep pulling bravely, without hesitation, and see how things turn out.

If the intentional vagueness makes it seem like I'm alluding to something else, well...that works as well xD

The same goes for life, doesn't it? I hesitate, consider, point out faults too much, and that prevents me from really getting up to anything worthwhile.

The first week of school's been good, certainly not what I expected from J2.

Meeting friends; just sitting in the canteen talking about crap, stuff I didn't realize how much I missed during the hols till I got to experience it again.

Of course, there's the work. I've got to change my attitude regarding that, and fast. I'll work it out in due time...

Inter-class captain's ball was really enjoyable. Although we got trashed in the last 2 matches (putting it this way sounds so much better than saying "in all except our first" >< ) we played a good game, had lots of fun, and I'm glad we managed to play well as a team, unlike many other teams which didn't involve the girls playing much at all. The hour or so we spent before the match playing random mind-games and wandering around school was pretty cool as well! I sprained my ankle during a match though, so I've got some trouble walking.

I'm a lot less stressed about shooting now, and the feeling is coming back gradually. Some random troublesome elements are cropping up, but I won't let them affect me.

I've had awhile to clear my head, sort out my thoughts, blahblah, and now I realize what a relief it is; to finally be able to say: I'M TIRED. SERIOUSLY.

Shit. Over the past few weeks, I've stretched myself, telling others; and convincing myself, that I was perfectly fine, that I'd be able to cope; and basking -in a perverse way- in the reactions that they have to it. "Hardcore", "Crazy" whatever, and that's coming from those who put quite a bit into it as well.

I was determined to carry it through. But I don't know when it began, when "my spirit started to exceed my body" (the awesome phrases you find in mangas Dx) and I felt like everything was crumbling. I pushed myself to continue, and managed to do so. However, my focus during trainings was deteriorating along with my performance; not to mention the sleepless nights just lying in bed, trying to sleep, and just staring at the ceiling wondering what was wrong. I don't think it's entirely due to shooting, but in a way, the stress was getting to me.

I have no idea how things would've turned out if I had continued that way, desperately(?), fervently trying to pour my all into 2 linked, but different-after-all things. It's not like I'm going to stop training rifle, but coach has helped me admit the merits of placing more focus on my pistol instead, so that's what I'll be doing from now till the Nationals. I'll have to find my own balance again, but we'll see how that works out.

So. It's not giving up. I think that as someone who's stuck to it for a month, I'm entitled to say that much. The crazyness stops now, and I'll do it in moderation this time, and give it my 100%, as I've always striven to do. That is all.

/end rant

I'm tired. Plain tired. After the hectic-ness of the past month, I've had to make a critical decision about something I didn't really want to have to do. I'm heartbroken. And I think that apart form a scarce few, no one can really understand how it felt, and why I teared after making it.

But no looking back now, so all I can do is proceed with determination =S

Aside, the past 2 days of school have really let the idea "this is J2!!" sink in. If this isn't setting the tone, I don't know what is. Our new teachers aren't bad at all, though.

Heh, apparently my eyebrow trick is a hit with kids. My cousins, especially.

Econs assignment. Bleh. I resolve to do a Cracked-styled article on Greece after I wake up.

Don't fail me now, resolve. It did.

I've got the schematics for a simple tick-ing mechanism in my head. I'll try putting it down on paper.

Sucky psing video using a new cam we got from signing up for the ST xD
It's my first, so, enjoy.

On a sidenote, let's have a second of silence for my waterbottle, which met the same gristly end as it's predecessor(s?) after it valiantly sacrificed itself in the line of duty in keeping me hydrated. You'll be missed.

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Awesome quote

I EPIC FAIL seriously. I have no idea how I end up doing so much crap...

Homecoming yesterday was okay. The concert wasn't bad, and civics breakfast after that was fine as well. Our timetable seems pretty decent, but our new CT seems very fierce. Randomly walking around school looking for Amos and Merv for "Sardines" was an exercise in pointlessness, but I don't really mind.

I went home after lunch with SY and just SLEPT. Honestly, that's all I did. I even slept on the MRT and missed my stop, ending up at Khatib... Anyway, I was originally planning on training that day, but ended up sleeping from 2 to 7.40 so I didn't.

Somehow I got engrossed in the gore of New Grappler Baki and just couldn't stop reading, so I ended up going to bed at 4. Haix, I've gotta stop these late-night manga sprees before school starts, else I won't get anything done.

So anyway, here's the epic fail part. I was supposed to go take care of the range at school for OpenHouse from 12 to 2, and I'd figured sleeping at 4 would give me around 7 hours of sleep or so; enough to get to school on time. But I ended up sleeping for 10 freaking hours and only woke up when I feel my phone vibrating from SY's phonecall at 2.20. *Facepalm*

So yeah, missed openhouse, missed my shift, and caused quite a lot of inconvenience to Yi Ling and Rachel. oops.

I went for training after waking up; both pistol and rifle. Today wasn't fulfilling at all; I don't think I managed to achieve anything. Can't seem to focus properly, on the correct things. Gahh.

Trained, and I realized that at the root of it, I'm still back at that quintessential problem: Focus. And I kinda know how it developed.

A few months back, I didn't really have much difficulty focusing on the feeling, and on maintaining it. Then problems started cropping up in my action and I started being obsessive about them; trying to correct them and so on. And in the process, I lost my focus.

I'll have to build it up slowly I guess. Just let go of the front, to grasp the back totally.

The meds are wearing off, so I'm a little tired...

Being all drugged up makes me feel better...kinda =)

Pissed

I can't exactly express how pissed the unfolding of certain recent events have made me, nor do I think it would be a good idea to put it up on public domain, so I shall resort to making not-so-vague allusions to them instead. Those who know, will know, I don't really care.

It's amazing, really. With all the effort I put into it, and it being blatantly obvious to the person in question, I just don't see how he/she/it could still be trying to manipulate and railroad me into something that I obviously do not want. We've had frank talks before, and maybe I'm over-thinking things, but the only conclusion I can draw is that that person just has no respect for me nor my effort and wishes >.< I feel as if I'm pushing so much, alone, without any support except with the occasional prod along in the direction I don't really want to take, exploited for interests not my own. Somewhere in my heart, I wish otherwise, I wish for support in my endeavor, encouragement and attention.

Selfish perhaps, but I don't feel a modicum of any at all.

I've gone through this before -many times, in truth- and I'll probably have to go through this again; but I'm not jaded enough not to feel anything.

It hurts, this naivete of unfulfilled expectations.

The cacophony of sms alerts as we were watching Inception heralded the start of 2011, putting an end to an exceedingly enjoyable New Year's Eve, and IMO, a good year overall.


Kang Yong's birthday happens to be on the last day of the year, so yesterday we had this nice gathering of extended family members to celebrate his birthday as well as the passing of the year. As always, I find the kind of warmth you feel at these events really invigorating. The company is really enjoyable.
Strangely, I don't have a single thought in mind about new year resolutions or anything of that sort. They've proven to be pretty irresolute in years past. However, the general mood to do things better, to be more enthusiastic, more persistent, to not make the mistakes I did last year has caught me up, and I'll ride it for all it's worth.


For the obligatory past year reflections; well I guess I seem to have made more mistakes last year than I have in previous ones. I've passed up on some brilliant opportunities, possibly due to unwillingness to even consider them, or perhaps a fear to try them out. I've been involved in more than a few mess-ups, and responded in even more foolish ways.

In shooting, I put so much effort into last years nationals till my legs felt weak and I actually staggered as I stepped away from the lane after putting up a dismal performance. I toughed it out and even now, I can feel the burning desire I felt at the prize-giving ceremony then; to do better, to put in even more, to not let my teammates down.

In exco elections, I tackled it wrongly, methinks, was overly anxious, messed up, and the feeling of walking up and down, up and down, won't be forgotten.

I tried new things, which worked out, learnt lessons, which I'll apply, and really, I think I've matured throughout the year.

I remember Mr Koh once mentioning that in adolescence, our values, ideals, way of thinking, personality, even aren't solidified; nor set in stone. As we grow older, our experiences start to define us, our identity. And well, from my personal experience, I find that to be really true. I used to sink into depression, thinking "who am I, what defines me" and other things in a similar vein of thought. But now, I find a certain foundation of being within myself, which I am rooted in. My core values, so to speak. And I rest solidly on them, comfortably. Well, if something happens to shake this foundation to the core, who knows what I'll find after the dust settles~

What I've found after the shakings of the past year don't displease me one single bit.

I hate myself. Seeing something I don't particularly agree with but being unable to do anything about it. Feeling filthy from having to weave through so much crap, treading softly and carefully like a coward, then coming out wondering what people will think about me for it.

What makes a good person, anyway? Wanting to do "good" but only actually doing so when reality doesn't obstruct you, or doing what you think is right, regardless of any and all circumstances, without compromise? Ideally I'd like to live out the latter, but I'm too weak, and my flesh bends to reality's will. Unyielding, strong, but perhaps brittle?

Ambiguity FTW.

Life behind masks, facades, holding back; things hidden, even when with those closest to us.
Shedding the layers isn't easy; could even be dangerous, painful at times. I've felt that before; betrayed trust.
And yet when I'm around you guys I think I can forget all that; forget that they're there and just be, just have fun. So yeah, thanks for that.
But alone, when the quiet overwhelms me, I just can't help but wonder; how much of this is true, how much is real.
I think too much, sometimes.

Shooting brings up mixed emotions, now. I could dive into a rant, a perfectly justified one, about current circumstances at the drop of a hat. At the same time; I could feel pretty darn satisfied with what I'm doing.
But the overriding emotion, which grips me the strongest; is just this sense of determination. I'm going to do this properly, MY way. I'm kind of fed up being swept around all the time, being used for I have no idea what.

Life's a blast.

Bye >.<

Christmas at my aunt's house with family. The feeling of warmth and comfort just can't be replicated by anything in this world.

It's strange how bonds of blood; something we rarely ever see in our daily lives connect us so strongly.

On a totally irrelevant sidenote, there are some things, which in the doing just make you more and more tired. You just gotta decide for yourself whether its worth it to carry on >< I'm not in a mood to give up anytime soon though (:

Lemonade

Merry Christmas everyone! Haha my crazy sister got it in her head to make these "Christmas peanuts" from some similar thing with walnuts in this show, so she took some peanut shells, stuffed some random message inside and super-glued the halves together again >.<

Boxing Day (Fail knowledge of holiday nomenclature..) Christmas Eve was pretty ok. Went with Clarissa to deliver some Christmas gifts to our interviewee at Dairy Farm Road. She was really quite late, so luckily I'm very good at amusing myself: I took a walk down Dairy Farm Quarry and saw some animals, a few of which I even recognized! A pair of cute baby long-tailed macaques, a lesser racket-tailed drongo, assorted moths and butterflies and what I think was a variable squirrel which ran right across the trail in front of me. I really enjoyed myself, and found it very peaceful. Something about the coolness of the air, and the natural sounds surrounding me XD.
The only problem was that even after taking my time with the trail, I still finished before she reached...so I stoned on a stone for quite some time.

Talking to Mr Leong was interesting, since you can tell he's really passionate about nature and wanting to preserve it in Singapore. He's very nice too, and gave us a copy of NSS's publication:
Singapore Waters - Unveiling Our Seas, which has a lot of interesting information about our marine biodiversity.

A little disappointing when things don't turn out quite as expected, especially when you so looked forward to it, but that's life I guess haha.

I put a little more effort into organizing the class gathering. I should think I've managed to message the whole class, and most of them have responded already. The turnout rate looks like it's going to be quite good!

Dinner with my family was enjoyable.

That's it! Merry Christmas to all, and really; I feel that so long as we set our minds to something, anything, we'll manage it, somehow. That's what I'm feeling now.

Looking forward to something. I'll probably be disappointed though :/

Training's coming along, with all of its flaws and takeaways. As things are, my gun is insanely stable. However, because I don't feel entirely comfortable with my 动作 atm, i tend to control too much, thus when I trigger, I'm very prone to misfires. When I do well I can do really well though xP Currently, I'm trying to perfect my 动作，really get it nailed down. But apparently that's not the way to go. According to coach, I'm getting too obsessed with the details, making everything too rigid. I'll try letting up a little next time.

I was just talking to a friend about something like hope, and well...in general I think we humans are pretty illogical creatures. In the face of many obstacles and setbacks, when logic dictates that we've done all that we could and that it's now time to turn back; we continue on. We see (or think we see) this tiny speck of light in the darkness, amidst roiling waters, and we direct our efforts to struggle towards it. Even as we're pushed back; we struggle on anyways. And after we push forwards, gasping for breath as we arrive at where we thought we spied that light; only to find that it was an illusion; we struggle somemore, for an even further off speck of hope.

Not all of us are like that, of course. But I don't particularly hate that way of life. One that gives itself direction; and strives with every particle of being. Towards it.

So call me a fool, call me a retard. But I'll do it anyway.

Falling through the gaps in reality; I wonder what that must feel like.

Going out to meet old people in new ways and settings, trying something new. I could take a leaf from TG's book in organizing gatherings XD

Some people worry too much, really...

It's been an amazing weekend.

We had this class outing to ECP yesterday where we rented some bikes and just cycled down the connector to Changi. It was my first time cycling in years; and my first time cycling any significant distance, so it was really enjoyable. Cycling down this long straight road; just pushing at the pedals and feeling yourself move forwards, and the cool wind blowing into your face; is as Amos so aptly put it: just shiok. Cycling with friends was really fun, but to be really honest; I wouldn't mind cycling myself, the shiok feeling doesn't really diminish when alone. The upside is that going with friends really gives me the motivation to go all the way down to ECP; I wouldn't go halfway across Singapore to cycle otherwise XD.

Currently an idea that seems particularly alluring to me is going fishing with a friend or two. Overnight, if possible. Well as Amos was saying, who the friend is really matters as well. Has to be someone you can either talk to all night, or whose company you enjoy without the need to say anything. Mmm.

The chorale concert after that wasn't too bad as well, though some of the songs, especially those in foreign languages got a little boring at times. Jack and myself found the skit put up by P.U.N.C.H to be extremely interesting, thanks to all the lameness injected of course. I'm evidently Yifan's strongest supporter, since noone else was particularly willing to shout out his name as encouragement...made me feel so extra.

We had supper afterwards, then went home.

As a new week starts once more, I get the feeling that the short reprieve has ended; that I'll have to start putting in some work once again, since in comparison to my ever-so-diligent friends, I've done practically nothing at all.

Plans are underway for a class Christmas X New Year celebration, tentatively on 2nd Jan. Probably a barbecue at someone's condo. I'll get around to emailing the e-group sometime, but if by some obscure chance anyone happens to see this, lemme know whether you're available. We need to have more stuff before JC gets started full-swing.

I'm starting to do my homework. It's interesting; bio at least, but I'm developing this headache.

Admiralty park was cool, except for the clouds of flies and mosquitoes trying to suck your blood. I accidentally burst this mosquito biting Sing Yee and his blood splattered on my hand urgh. He's good at spotting stuff, so it was pretty educational and interesting.

I'll be missing training for the next 2 days; I don't particularly mind, I could use the break, R&R and all that.

The hols are slipping away, almost all gone now, I think. Trying to grasp desperately at what's left. Success to be determined.

Drink deeply from the cup of life. I wonder whether I've been doing that. My activities are pretty limited, but I'd like to think I make up for variety with intensity. I probably have much more room to pack stuff in though.

And well, people have been telling me that what I'm doing is pointless; wasting my time, even. If I am just to be a backup, if I don't get to shoot, my efforts could be better devoted elsewhere. But you know what? While it would be cool to shoot, I don't particularly mind if I don't. I see value in what I'm doing. I don't need that competition to validate my efforts. I'm secure in myself enough that it won't affect me.

Too often people place too much emphasis on the results, than on the processes that get you there. I don't agree, especially when it's the process which makes things so enjoyable.

They're my efforts, so please let me decide whether they're worthwhile or not; rather than presume to taint them with your ignorant opinions.

Silence

Just sitting there, mouth flexing ever so slightly, as I deliberate over what to say next. Not for a lack of words, mind you; or things to talk about, either. It's not that I hate you. It's just that...I don't know how to communicate.
Words tumble out of my mouth, and are swallowed, by the poignant silence.
It sucks.

My training regime's working out pretty well; 1.5 hours on pistol, 1.5 hours on rifle. I should probably reach Safra earlier though, to maximize training time.

It feels quite good, to relive being a pistoler, without the pressure of having to perform; as of yet anyway. Without this pressure, I feel released to relearn what I have to, and perhaps to overcome the block I faced last time. I'll have to re-psycho myself pretty soon, if I'm to perform under competition conditions.

Small steps bring me forward on this great journey. And as of now, I'm astride these 2 wonderfully parallel paths. Will they diverge?

It's ironic, really. I spend hours on the com, playing with people I don't even know; yet I barely spend any time with you.

Immersed in Shooting

It's been a little more than 3 days since I got back from Hangzhou and I realize, to my surprise that I've already trained thrice; four times counting that pistol dry firing on Monday.

The trip gave me the much needed momentum to start training, and I have this feeling that this momentum will serve to bring me a long, long way.

Training is awesome. It's calming, as you stand there at your lane, trying to recollect the feeling of the previous shot, and replicate it again. It trains my focus. And most importantly; it's something to do. It disrupts the tedium of holiday life, a life likely spent at home unless I make the effort to go do something meaningful.

I've been getting weird stares, as I draw out first my pistol, then after I'm done, my rifle, for the next detail of training. I'll endeavor to do both; and do well. However, there's always this lingering fear that I'll burn out too fast if I continue at this pace: 2 trainings a day; 1 pistol and 1 rifle. On the bright side; the self-taxation brought about by mental fatigue should technically help me to push my limits further. Time will tell.

On the airplane at night; I look out the window, and trace the constellations visible at a little higher than eye-level. The faint shimmering lines my mind draws between individual stars leads me on to the next star, and the next after that.
Another airplane flies past in the opposite direction; nothing more than a mere blinking light in the starry sky. Blinking in tandem to the lights on my plane's wings. An unlikely coincidence, I'd venture.

Such moments in time; beautiful to the beholder. If only such means existed; such that these moments could be captured perfectly; in their entirety; for this beauty viewed to be shared, as one sees it. Perhaps, if such means existed; the multitude misunderstandings between people could be abolished, conflicts resolved. Cameras; no matter how strong, just don't quite cut it.

Stumbling

I'm a shooter. I know that in alot of things in life, there's no margin for error. One little screwup, one wee twitch as the gun goes off; may just cost you the competition.

Well, things're perfectly fine with shooting, as you're trying to do the exact same thing over and over afterall. Once you've found what works, stick with it and you're all set to go. But what does one do in life, where new things just keep popping up, and sometimes; we just don't know what to do? Fear of making a mistake could result in inaction; but that in itself, could very well be the largest mistake of all. 

Personally, I'd rather commit the error of the former than the latter. While this makes me feel like I'm constantly stumbling through life; and occasionally have to pick myself up from the ground, tending to the wounds I've suffered from a particularly hard fall; at least I'm going somewhere, right? And well, I figure that if you just keep falling forwards, you won't end up too far from your ultimate goal xD

Stumble through life.

Opportunities

You speak of opportunities missed, never to be offered again; as if its an irrevocable loss, one that I'll feel keenly. Now, perhaps I, in my youth won't; can't understand the loss. But can't it be, that this sound of one door slamming shut; is also the sound of another creaking open?

I won't believe that life is as closed as you would make me believe, the past year has showed me that; if nothing more. Doors close; doors open, all part and parcel of this thing called "life". I love you. I respect you. But all I ask, is that I be allowed the latitude of choice; to pick those I wish to step through.
I accept the consequences.

Friends are a treasure.

Went for a double-outing today: an hour or so at Vivo with some psers and the better part of the day with Sarah, Roxanne, Yifan, Angela, Jack and Joo Gian.

Hanging out with the psers was pretty cool; we just sat there spinning our pens. My level of enthusiasm isn't nearly as high as the rest, but it was fun nonetheless.

For our class outing, we went to this magic show at the ACM; then had some Mexican dinner beside the river before going home. The in-between, while glossed over, was fun, retarded, and consisted of way too much suaning on my part. I shall have to tone down :S


You know, sometimes when I just don't seek people's opinion, it's cause I pretty much already know what they'll say. Nothing new offered, so why bother? I'm being more than abit unfair here; but that's the liberty of youth, methinks. Sweeping statements aplenty.

I'm back

After spending the past 4 hours or so catching up on my back-logged manga, I'm now gonna post about my trip.

In one line: It was one of opportunities; many of which I took up, some of which I missed out upon.

Training my shooting there; under 陈教练 really gave me a new perspective on shooting; and I'm further motivated to put even more into it. Seeing the way they train in China really let me learn how inadequate my trainings up till now have been. I've learnt that it's not just about the training hours, it's also about the quality of the training. Even beyond that, I actually got to experience it for myself, which is a whole different ballgame. 陈教练's insights really helped me with the difficulties I've had with my shooting. While these problems haven't been entirely solved, I now feel equipped to deal with them. I'm confident that I'll be able to do well and further improve in future trainings.

Since most of us who went were from the RI shooting team, I got the chance to interact a lot more with my juniors, and in a different capacity than when I was a Sec 4 senior. It's comforting to see how they have come into their own (without much thanks to us seniors I must add). Their distinctly boys-only school brand of retardedness was relaxing in a way, and pretty darn awesome.

It's been a pretty cool trip, got to try out the small-bore rifle as well as archery. Talking to some of the shooters there was an educational experience as well; and not only about shooting mmm. I've picked up some magic tricks; can't wait to try them out.

There's been a lot of food for thought, which I shall take my time to digest. Perhaps I'll share some of the end products later.

Now, for a few hours of sleep before my psing meeting. Hope I can make it for that class outing as well~

*As you approach Singapore city, the lights of the many buildings sparkle; illuminate the night sky, as if to welcome you home; after a long, long journey. Singapore's beautiful; it's home. And I was thinking: I know how Odysseus must've felt, as he was swept away from Ithaca; within sight of shore*