Ah, I forgot.

People who are all smiles freaking scare me, cause you really never know what lies beneath the mask, judging, calculating. That's the major takeaway I had from the Amoeba interviews. I don't think I did badly at all, but it was impossible to gauge how well my interviewer took to my comments, due to aforesaid unnerving smile. I don't expect to get in, but I think the experience in how best to appear "open" and forthrigth with strangers should hold me in good stead for future interviews :D

Most retarded response I gave (note that it was an interview for EDB):
Q: What specific courses do you intend to pursue, and in what university?
A: Hmmm, well I'm honestly rather interested in Bio so I'd like to do something in that field, possibly BioMed, and I'm currently considering some unis in the UK. (I wasn't quite foolish enough to say I wanted to take Med of course...)
Q: Why not US? I hear there are some really good unis for those courses over there.
A: Well...I don't really like Americans, they're too rowdy for me.
Q: *laughs*
...

Feeling pedantic of late. Guess it's part of the whole passing out process from shooting. Kinda feels like we've already got one foot out so to speak. Speaking to Sherri about it, I realized that I haven't really sorted it out myself; my feelings wrt to it, as well as many other loose threads that I've yet to tie up satisfactorily.

Anyway, we had our exco interviews today, and I guess I kind of unleashed my hitherto untapped (though I know some would think otherwise!) potential for mean-ness upon my poor J1s. Not without good reason, I'd like to think. Electing the next batch of leaders is no laughing matter; in spite of, or perhaps precisely because we as an exco have left much to be desired. Now, I don't know how fair it is to pin our hopes upon our juniors but I think it's pretty much an unavoidable fact of life. So yeah, I asked quite a number of tough questions, wanting to see the kind of responses we'd get and well, the quality of responses varied, I guess. Very personally, when I interview someone, I don't want to hear a bunch of PC bs all the time. I want honest responses, which I can make judgement about.

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness"

In the midst of doing my econs class test is probably not the best time to be doing such nonsense but yeah, too often I find myself complaining without getting off my arse and doing something about it. Not that I see the need to stop complaining or criticizing, though. I'm not going to let it be a reason to quash all sensible opposition.

So it ends

So. The past week has been an intense one for me, and I'm really sorry for not keeping my promise of updating on Tuesday, but I've been so tired after getting home each day, too wiped out to come up with something coherent.

So yeah, where was I? Intense and highly emotional. Ok. So I didn't perform as well as I'd wanted for my own competition. The correct feeling only came out towards the end, and by then, it was too late. I'm not too bothered by the score, TBH. It's just the fact that I trained hard; I really did. Just like I've been doing the whole time. Kinda makes you question if the sport is intentionally rejecting all your efforts, spurning you. And it makes the decision of whether to continue investing more heart and effort would really be worth it or not.

But I digress. Even more than the above, is the realization; sinking in, that it's pretty much over. Yes, I can say that I'll pick it up later when I have the time; and I'm even entertaining the notion of continuing on myself, despite the many barriers and prohibitively high costs I'd face going at it independently. BUT. The times I've had in RISC are over. I term it as such cause for the lack of a more elegant phrase with which to use. There's nothing which could encompass the entire experience; the feelings I have for Yishun the place, the memories that swell upwards as I walk down that path that I must have trodden down hundreds, if not almost a thousand times; alone, at times, and occasionally with a friend or two. The time spent hanging out before AND after training, inane conversations held over lunch/dinner, all things that have been etched indelibly, in one way or another, onto my heart and soul (assuming I do have one, of course) And that's leaving out the immensely personal experiences I've had with shooting, which I shall not go into great detail about right now.
[Yes, I know my sentence structure leaves much to be desired]

Some might say that I'm being foolish, or merely stating the obvious, even. Experiences pass, stages in life pass, life goes on. Screw them. The depth of emotion, the ties, are there, and it's not something I can move on from so easily. Those bittersweet times are an integral part of me, and as I move on, I feel a little empty inside, as if a gap opened up that won't easily be filled.

This mood has made me a little testy, and quite reactionary of late. My thoughtless response to a friend's comment that got on my nerves a little resulted in an unpleasant outcome, which I utterly regret. So I'm trying to sort things out internally, come to grips with the new situation and make the appropriate adjustments. I think I'll succeed, eventually, but please pardon me if in the interim, I lapse into occasional bouts of moodiness..

That aside, I had a really great Good Friday with Angela, Mervyn and Jack. We basically lepaked at Angela's house, which is in this huge, sprawling condo estate that has its own restaurant, kindergarten and whatnot. Quite impressive. We then went cycling at ECP, where the public holiday crowd was so bad that some places were even out of bikes D:

Abrupt ending here.

Just some final thoughts, I'm a little sleepy afterall. It only really struck me as I made my way to Safra today that tomorrow is IT. Not merely the nationals, but the punctuation to these 6 years with shooting. It's a stunning realization. I mean, I've gone about my training, vaguely knowing that the day would come eventually. But now it's TOMORROW. I've been around for practically forever; longer than most of the Safra staff, and one of my juniors found me to be "ancient". So, I don't really know how it'll affect me =/

I'd like to say more, there's so much feeling I need to express, but my mind feels numb now, and I'm lost for words. I'll make up for it tomorrow, I swear.

4 days left, and as the Nats draw closer, I can't really avoid the question any longer: How much do I really care?

It's something that I really can't say for sure, you know.. On one hand, we've known from the start that our chances are next to nothing; 钱教练 even advices us to go on with the mindset that we've got nothing to lose, that anything we manage to gain will only be a bonus. And I know that be true. However, this treacherous part of me, the hopelessly naive optimist is somehow hoping, expecting even, for a miracle to occur. I don't want this, but I can't really stop myself. Guess I'll have to spend some time working on it, I really really don't want to let it affect my performance on Tuesday.

"If it can be proven, it's not faith."
-Source unknown (at least to me. I'm not good at this quote business afterall)

Its context was with regards to religion, but I really think it applies to other aspects of life as well. How often is it that you find yourself reaching out (metaphorically speaking) through efforts and actions without knowing whether what you're reaching for really does exist, or assuming it does, whether you'll ever obtain it? And if you're unsuccessful, that tendril of effort might well wither away, wasted.

"Have faith!" They say. But sometimes it's not easy at all.

96 (Y) Best series ever since my 95 ages ago >< Joy.

Free cone day at B&J's. Rushed down straight after school with Amos, leaving the rest behind. It didn't take that much to realize that opp. costs involved call for immediate action. Talked lots of crap, the ice cream was good too.

So many things happened the past 2 days that it's like my body practically screamed: THAT'S ENOUGH! and made me crash for the entire day. I've been unconscious much of the day, with the transient periods of lucidity spent poring over this GO book I borrowed yesterday and eating ><

PW results released on Friday, the tension just before, being told that our batch really screwed up, all the horror stories, Mr Koh's words, Amos' silent yet vigorous celebration, Tian Yuan taking so long to look as she couldn't believe her eyes, walking up, heart skipping a beat as Miss Heng made some comment which I don't really remember now, and finally, relief mixed with disbelief as my eyes focused on that 'A' on the paper.

Clarissa, Woon Ki and Valerie got their As as well. I think the whole class did, so we got our "Happy ending" I guess. Realized how wrong I was today. I am regretful.

And there are those who didn't. Friends whose results didn't mix expectations. It's hard, nearly impossible to feel happy once you know that fact; knowing as well that there's nothing you can say, or do, to make anything better. Or maybe there is, and I haven't tried hard enough. But really, I don't know.

Got trashed during Weiqi later on. This year's J1s are just way too strong and experienced. Sometimes the only way to see how a sequence will play out is to have played it out before, so you know how things are supposed to go. Feels like fighting a mountain sometimes. No matter how you chip at it, you'll never win.
I need to get me some dynamite.

CDL E-Generation Challenge held yesterday. It's quite cool that it's one of the few (or perhaps the first) events that we had more homogeneous participation from our class in. The thing itself was pretty fun, except for some truly random questions. Some cool spots we went to which I haven't been to before include HortPark (which I really should have known about earlier considering that we were thinking of doing something related to Community Gardening for PW) and Henderson Waves. We didn't win anything, though.

Lunch afterwards, with a lot of what Joo Gian aptly termed "inane chatter" before we finally decided on going to karaoke, which is quickly becoming a staple of our class outings. We seem to be quite unimaginative people at times; though I'd have to agree that it's pretty hard to find something that both the guys and the girls are willing to do.

Cracks me up

It's official, Cracked.com is actually making me into a worse person.

It's a video about a bunch of man-kid-things who're probably a good deal older than myself but are most likely the products of a substantially more liberal than ours. These folks have a dream. A naive one, true, but an admirable dream nonetheless. They want to go around the country, building forts with people, fostering openness, communication, and so on. It actually sounds like a pretty amazing project. Click here if you want to find out more (It's been canceled, sadly) Now people with a more finely-tuned bullshit sensor than myself might start commenting, or even criticizing the feasibility of the project; the temerity of demanding $25,000 in donations of other people's money for what may amount to be no more than a glorified road trip. I leave such questions to those people.

Instead, what bothers me, is that as I watched that video (it's a parody of the original, if you haven't already realized) is that none of the above mattered to me at all. I ended up replaying from the 0.45s mark no less than 5x as some perverse force took hold of me. Sigh.

I could launch straight into a tirade about how pissed off the bio answer scheme makes me; how the sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to budge even a nanometer from its narrow confines makes me feel like I'm stuck within a cage; squashed and constricted. Unfulfilled.

...Guess I just did, at least for awhile, anyway. But since I freaking know the rationale, the reasons (which while pissing off, are really valid) I don't really have the right to indignation anymore, now do I? So I shall set a resolve instead; to work the best I can within these limits, to thrive. I only hope that at the end of the year, my brain isn't so used to the confines that it can take flight no longer. Atrophied.

The main lesson I've learned, the past few weeks; is that the A's aren't about not thinking at all; nothing as simple as that. Instead, they're about putting yourself, metaphorically speaking, in the shoes of those markers thousands of kilometers away, and giving them exactly what they want. Therein lies the key to victory. In that case, don't you find it just a little terrifying that we're counting entirely on our tutors to give us some kind of indication as to what those desires are? All in pursuit of that ever so elusive 'A'

I'd better start taking some courses in long-distance mind reading. Or maybe go a step further and hire some of those Inception folks to put MY answers into those examiners' heads. Now doesn't that sound like an enticing prospect.

Willpower, some guts, and a healthy dose of fear thrown into the mix for good measure can have very potent results. Potent enough that a regular NAPFA re-tester such as yours truly managed to scrape a silver anyway; in no small part due to Mr Seah's efforts, I suspect. I'm kinda proud of the 2.4 performance. Felt like dying somewhere around the 3rd/4th lap but I managed to push myself to not give up, and was even able to summon the energy for a mad dash for the last round; which really, was the only reason I managed to get a D, with merely 2 seconds to spare, no less... And that very tight timing really makes one realize how every single part of the process matters; is crucial, in fact. If I had slowed down just a little bit, even for 10 metres, I'd never have made it.

Haha, but the sprint at the end really affected me, I think. I drank a lot of water after that; and couldn't really stomach anything. Almost puked on the canteen table, but managed to hold it in till I got to the toilet and it ALL came out. I guess I know what it feels like to be a certain laser-firing chimera now - that's the Merlion for you uninitiated folks - ,just gushing water X.X

The following fatigue plagued me for the rest of the day like one of those street salesmen that just sense the weakness in you and keep at you until you eventually, tiredly, give in and buy that random knick-knack which you don't really need at all...but I digress. Couldn't really focus that much on shooting, the feeling wasn't really there, and I messed up quite a bit. Haix.

That's enough narration. There's been cause, and pretty much a lot of capacity for my thoughts to wander around, in and out, up and down. It's a pretty idle process, as my mind basically analyzes and catalogs all sorts of things; filing useful and not-so-useful tidbits in haphazard manner. Bleh.

Chop chop

New experience today: chopping open coconuts myself, coconuts which we'd cut down from the tree in the backyard the day before. Pretty cool, don'cha think?

It was quite terrifying at first since the chopper was sharp (duh) and there was always the risk of chopping off a few appendages unintentionally. It ended up being really fun though. I really don't want to have to chop open the remaining 30 odd ><

That's about it for my horrifically unproductive weekend. I didn't manage to gr town to any of the work I'd decided to do. Oh wells.

Escape

Haha, release today, not with a "pshh" sound but rather to the flash of muzzle fire, headless corpses falling - not headfirst, of course - to the ground and Amos gleefully grinding into unresisting zombie flesh. All to a 4 hour soundtrack of carnage and destruction. Pent up frustration, pissed-offness and whatnot diffused, or at least forgotten and left behind during that period, as we just kept running, and killing, running and killing. And in the end, make an escape; if only momentarily.

But real life's not like that. We all know that. As the saying goes, 躲得了一时，躲不了一世, or something like that. Can't keep running, eventually we'll have to take a stand. Escapism from reality in momentary flights of fancy is perfectly fine; enjoyable even. I can't deny that I had ALOT of fun yesterday, that it relieved me of pressure. But at the same time, I know that I'll have to knuckle down and start doing something about the actual CAUSE of the pressure in the first place.

Which I plan to do with alacrity. So there.