Made quite alot of progress wrt to consistency in today's training. Now that I see a way to proceed, things seem to be looking up somehow. Direction is such a wonderful thing to have.

I got into the Biomed Symposium. Both amazing and totally unexpected. I'm a little worried that I'm not good enough, but I'll just give it my best, and hopefully, not drag the team down >.<

I've got a clearer focus in training now, mostly due to 钱教练's comments after last Sunday's monthly shoot. I decided that I'd just work on getting that one sequence right, and training so that I can do it unhesitatingly. Today's training results weren't optimal, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

So...the boring part:
举枪： Raise the gun to the highest point, relax my shoulder, so that it's "down"
落枪： Just let gravity sort of pull the gun down without resisting it so much. As the gun enters the card, start pulling on the trigger, and start increasing the amount of resistance.
进入瞄区: Increase the resistance, and once in the aiming area, just sort of decide to not let the gun drop any further. 2nd pressure should be reached within 2 secs of entering.
力量保持
Done.

Trainings have been awesome, since I get to talk to and mess around with my ccamates =)

I resolve to pull up my socks, and mug seriously.

Stayed back after lessons with YYJ today to do some work. We had dinner after that, then I left for training.

I shot a 60 shot 练习 this time, and I must say that my condition wasn't good at all...couldn't feel any energy going through my arm and my 力量保持 was horrible as well. I adapted, though and I think the shakiness of my gun actually helped me "let go" and pull the trigger more confidently. I didn't do that well, only hitting 518, with the overall score being marred by the second series of 81 Dx

Heh, Yong Jin's indomitable confidence in my ability is invigorating, and I promised that I'd work a lot harder to become a worthy "adversary" for him, help to push him to mug more and what not. Lame, but cool.

Shooting. The courage to go on, regardless the consequence; how bad could it be after all? Or rather the confidence that as long as you do that one thing just right, your training will handle the rest. Just keep pulling bravely, without hesitation, and see how things turn out.

If the intentional vagueness makes it seem like I'm alluding to something else, well...that works as well xD

The same goes for life, doesn't it? I hesitate, consider, point out faults too much, and that prevents me from really getting up to anything worthwhile.

The first week of school's been good, certainly not what I expected from J2.

Meeting friends; just sitting in the canteen talking about crap, stuff I didn't realize how much I missed during the hols till I got to experience it again.

Of course, there's the work. I've got to change my attitude regarding that, and fast. I'll work it out in due time...

Inter-class captain's ball was really enjoyable. Although we got trashed in the last 2 matches (putting it this way sounds so much better than saying "in all except our first" >< ) we played a good game, had lots of fun, and I'm glad we managed to play well as a team, unlike many other teams which didn't involve the girls playing much at all. The hour or so we spent before the match playing random mind-games and wandering around school was pretty cool as well! I sprained my ankle during a match though, so I've got some trouble walking.

I'm a lot less stressed about shooting now, and the feeling is coming back gradually. Some random troublesome elements are cropping up, but I won't let them affect me.

I've had awhile to clear my head, sort out my thoughts, blahblah, and now I realize what a relief it is; to finally be able to say: I'M TIRED. SERIOUSLY.

Shit. Over the past few weeks, I've stretched myself, telling others; and convincing myself, that I was perfectly fine, that I'd be able to cope; and basking -in a perverse way- in the reactions that they have to it. "Hardcore", "Crazy" whatever, and that's coming from those who put quite a bit into it as well.

I was determined to carry it through. But I don't know when it began, when "my spirit started to exceed my body" (the awesome phrases you find in mangas Dx) and I felt like everything was crumbling. I pushed myself to continue, and managed to do so. However, my focus during trainings was deteriorating along with my performance; not to mention the sleepless nights just lying in bed, trying to sleep, and just staring at the ceiling wondering what was wrong. I don't think it's entirely due to shooting, but in a way, the stress was getting to me.

I have no idea how things would've turned out if I had continued that way, desperately(?), fervently trying to pour my all into 2 linked, but different-after-all things. It's not like I'm going to stop training rifle, but coach has helped me admit the merits of placing more focus on my pistol instead, so that's what I'll be doing from now till the Nationals. I'll have to find my own balance again, but we'll see how that works out.

So. It's not giving up. I think that as someone who's stuck to it for a month, I'm entitled to say that much. The crazyness stops now, and I'll do it in moderation this time, and give it my 100%, as I've always striven to do. That is all.

/end rant

I'm tired. Plain tired. After the hectic-ness of the past month, I've had to make a critical decision about something I didn't really want to have to do. I'm heartbroken. And I think that apart form a scarce few, no one can really understand how it felt, and why I teared after making it.

But no looking back now, so all I can do is proceed with determination =S

Aside, the past 2 days of school have really let the idea "this is J2!!" sink in. If this isn't setting the tone, I don't know what is. Our new teachers aren't bad at all, though.

Heh, apparently my eyebrow trick is a hit with kids. My cousins, especially.

Econs assignment. Bleh. I resolve to do a Cracked-styled article on Greece after I wake up.

Don't fail me now, resolve. It did.

I've got the schematics for a simple tick-ing mechanism in my head. I'll try putting it down on paper.

Sucky psing video using a new cam we got from signing up for the ST xD
It's my first, so, enjoy.

On a sidenote, let's have a second of silence for my waterbottle, which met the same gristly end as it's predecessor(s?) after it valiantly sacrificed itself in the line of duty in keeping me hydrated. You'll be missed.

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Awesome quote

I EPIC FAIL seriously. I have no idea how I end up doing so much crap...

Homecoming yesterday was okay. The concert wasn't bad, and civics breakfast after that was fine as well. Our timetable seems pretty decent, but our new CT seems very fierce. Randomly walking around school looking for Amos and Merv for "Sardines" was an exercise in pointlessness, but I don't really mind.

I went home after lunch with SY and just SLEPT. Honestly, that's all I did. I even slept on the MRT and missed my stop, ending up at Khatib... Anyway, I was originally planning on training that day, but ended up sleeping from 2 to 7.40 so I didn't.

Somehow I got engrossed in the gore of New Grappler Baki and just couldn't stop reading, so I ended up going to bed at 4. Haix, I've gotta stop these late-night manga sprees before school starts, else I won't get anything done.

So anyway, here's the epic fail part. I was supposed to go take care of the range at school for OpenHouse from 12 to 2, and I'd figured sleeping at 4 would give me around 7 hours of sleep or so; enough to get to school on time. But I ended up sleeping for 10 freaking hours and only woke up when I feel my phone vibrating from SY's phonecall at 2.20. *Facepalm*

So yeah, missed openhouse, missed my shift, and caused quite a lot of inconvenience to Yi Ling and Rachel. oops.

I went for training after waking up; both pistol and rifle. Today wasn't fulfilling at all; I don't think I managed to achieve anything. Can't seem to focus properly, on the correct things. Gahh.

Trained, and I realized that at the root of it, I'm still back at that quintessential problem: Focus. And I kinda know how it developed.

A few months back, I didn't really have much difficulty focusing on the feeling, and on maintaining it. Then problems started cropping up in my action and I started being obsessive about them; trying to correct them and so on. And in the process, I lost my focus.

I'll have to build it up slowly I guess. Just let go of the front, to grasp the back totally.

The meds are wearing off, so I'm a little tired...

Being all drugged up makes me feel better...kinda =)

Pissed

I can't exactly express how pissed the unfolding of certain recent events have made me, nor do I think it would be a good idea to put it up on public domain, so I shall resort to making not-so-vague allusions to them instead. Those who know, will know, I don't really care.

It's amazing, really. With all the effort I put into it, and it being blatantly obvious to the person in question, I just don't see how he/she/it could still be trying to manipulate and railroad me into something that I obviously do not want. We've had frank talks before, and maybe I'm over-thinking things, but the only conclusion I can draw is that that person just has no respect for me nor my effort and wishes >.< I feel as if I'm pushing so much, alone, without any support except with the occasional prod along in the direction I don't really want to take, exploited for interests not my own. Somewhere in my heart, I wish otherwise, I wish for support in my endeavor, encouragement and attention.

Selfish perhaps, but I don't feel a modicum of any at all.

I've gone through this before -many times, in truth- and I'll probably have to go through this again; but I'm not jaded enough not to feel anything.

It hurts, this naivete of unfulfilled expectations.

The cacophony of sms alerts as we were watching Inception heralded the start of 2011, putting an end to an exceedingly enjoyable New Year's Eve, and IMO, a good year overall.


Kang Yong's birthday happens to be on the last day of the year, so yesterday we had this nice gathering of extended family members to celebrate his birthday as well as the passing of the year. As always, I find the kind of warmth you feel at these events really invigorating. The company is really enjoyable.
Strangely, I don't have a single thought in mind about new year resolutions or anything of that sort. They've proven to be pretty irresolute in years past. However, the general mood to do things better, to be more enthusiastic, more persistent, to not make the mistakes I did last year has caught me up, and I'll ride it for all it's worth.


For the obligatory past year reflections; well I guess I seem to have made more mistakes last year than I have in previous ones. I've passed up on some brilliant opportunities, possibly due to unwillingness to even consider them, or perhaps a fear to try them out. I've been involved in more than a few mess-ups, and responded in even more foolish ways.

In shooting, I put so much effort into last years nationals till my legs felt weak and I actually staggered as I stepped away from the lane after putting up a dismal performance. I toughed it out and even now, I can feel the burning desire I felt at the prize-giving ceremony then; to do better, to put in even more, to not let my teammates down.

In exco elections, I tackled it wrongly, methinks, was overly anxious, messed up, and the feeling of walking up and down, up and down, won't be forgotten.

I tried new things, which worked out, learnt lessons, which I'll apply, and really, I think I've matured throughout the year.

I remember Mr Koh once mentioning that in adolescence, our values, ideals, way of thinking, personality, even aren't solidified; nor set in stone. As we grow older, our experiences start to define us, our identity. And well, from my personal experience, I find that to be really true. I used to sink into depression, thinking "who am I, what defines me" and other things in a similar vein of thought. But now, I find a certain foundation of being within myself, which I am rooted in. My core values, so to speak. And I rest solidly on them, comfortably. Well, if something happens to shake this foundation to the core, who knows what I'll find after the dust settles~

What I've found after the shakings of the past year don't displease me one single bit.