Went out with Amos, Angie and Merv yesterday, caught Ted, had a good chat, played L4D2 and capped it off with Double Down Chicken at Astons. It was a pretty good day. It feels so different somehow, carelessly talking to a couple of close friends, freely talking about whatever I feel like talking about, reminiscing. Thanks! And it's these kind of moments that I recollect ruefully as I lie, alone in bed at night in camp, moments few and far between in the hustle and bustle of life and amidst a sea of uncomprehending faces, moments that I treasure all the more because of that. Pull me back when I'm sick and tired, stay by my side when I'm being all too callous, you have my thanks, and I'll be sure to return the favour.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
No Time for 'Next Time's
Anyway, it's time to sleep. There's admittedly not much to look forward to for the next year and a half, no overwhelmingly huge milestones, just the same schedule pretty much every week, so there's tedium right there. Perhaps I'll try zooming in a little, try to recapture some joy and purpose in day to day life, and see if I shan't find some measure of success there.
I always find it hard to maintain my motivation for long periods of time; it's not that I don't see the huge, over-arching picture, it's just that as a whole, it doesn't really appeal to me much in the short-term at all, and I sometimes find it hard to directly relate what I'm doing, here & now with what doing so should get me sometime in the future. Is something wrong with me?
It's always possible to do practically anything next time, cause that means we don't have to do it now. Though the future is undeniably chock-full of potential, there are some things which shouldn't be put off till later, cause otherwise there's never going to be a good time for them. I'm honestly quite sick of the term "there's always next time", makes me feel a little uneasy whenever I find myself using it, to me it rings too strongly of hollowness and unfulfilled promises. Perhaps I'd find myself better served by simply moving on, moving on, moving on.
I always find it hard to maintain my motivation for long periods of time; it's not that I don't see the huge, over-arching picture, it's just that as a whole, it doesn't really appeal to me much in the short-term at all, and I sometimes find it hard to directly relate what I'm doing, here & now with what doing so should get me sometime in the future. Is something wrong with me?
It's always possible to do practically anything next time, cause that means we don't have to do it now. Though the future is undeniably chock-full of potential, there are some things which shouldn't be put off till later, cause otherwise there's never going to be a good time for them. I'm honestly quite sick of the term "there's always next time", makes me feel a little uneasy whenever I find myself using it, to me it rings too strongly of hollowness and unfulfilled promises. Perhaps I'd find myself better served by simply moving on, moving on, moving on.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Release the Kraken
Been wanting to post for awhile, but I've been delayed by procrastination, and also after coming down with a bout of flu the past 2 days, may have something to do with the air once again, as well as the week's *ahem* exertions.
I'm pretty sure I've never been as freaking exuberant as during that single moment when we marched off the parade square, having received my chevrons from my mum. As we marched off, a reminder from Warrant Brydon to "behave ourselves until we made the turn", and to "release the kraken" Davy Jones style right after that. After rounding the corner, pretty much all of us started to run like mad, charging down the slope, guns waving wildly, shouting at the top of our voices, all the rigidly controlled energy from 3 full, tiring days of formal parade rehearsals released in that one awesome instant. I'll forget it in the future, no doubt, but not easily, that's for sure. Then we formed up for re-entry, quivering with excitement, singing the song with (a little too much) gusto, performing the roar, and that was it. We milled around endlessly on the brightly-lit parade square, taking tons of group photos under the glare of the floodlights, exchanging countless high-fives, fist bumps, and hugs, with the closer friends, calling each other "Sergeant", over and over again, the word still fresh on our tongues; giddy with exhilaration.
It ended after that, pretty much. And that's it, isn't it? Very often we spent so much of our time working our butts off, for something that lasts only minutes, or slightly longer, if we're lucky. And maybe that's the way things should be. Sometimes there's this mindset of over-entitlement, like putting in something should always yield proportionate results, but thinking that way can never be realistic. Maybe it's precisely because so much effort yields so, so little, that makes the little that we get magical and miraculous, something to be cherished and treasured. Idk, really.
Anyways, lots more responsibilities now that I'm a specialist rather than a trainee, and I'll make sure to discharge them to the best of my ability.
I'm pretty sure I've never been as freaking exuberant as during that single moment when we marched off the parade square, having received my chevrons from my mum. As we marched off, a reminder from Warrant Brydon to "behave ourselves until we made the turn", and to "release the kraken" Davy Jones style right after that. After rounding the corner, pretty much all of us started to run like mad, charging down the slope, guns waving wildly, shouting at the top of our voices, all the rigidly controlled energy from 3 full, tiring days of formal parade rehearsals released in that one awesome instant. I'll forget it in the future, no doubt, but not easily, that's for sure. Then we formed up for re-entry, quivering with excitement, singing the song with (a little too much) gusto, performing the roar, and that was it. We milled around endlessly on the brightly-lit parade square, taking tons of group photos under the glare of the floodlights, exchanging countless high-fives, fist bumps, and hugs, with the closer friends, calling each other "Sergeant", over and over again, the word still fresh on our tongues; giddy with exhilaration.
It ended after that, pretty much. And that's it, isn't it? Very often we spent so much of our time working our butts off, for something that lasts only minutes, or slightly longer, if we're lucky. And maybe that's the way things should be. Sometimes there's this mindset of over-entitlement, like putting in something should always yield proportionate results, but thinking that way can never be realistic. Maybe it's precisely because so much effort yields so, so little, that makes the little that we get magical and miraculous, something to be cherished and treasured. Idk, really.
Anyways, lots more responsibilities now that I'm a specialist rather than a trainee, and I'll make sure to discharge them to the best of my ability.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
8 months into NS is not the best time to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It's just this general feeling of helplessness that's engulfed me over the months, a small nagging voice that tells me that I've got no control over my own fate. I need to find the strength in Invictus, and I can only hope that things will change for the better in the coming months.
Anyways, had a pretty busy weekend, spent more than a couple of hours at the Botanic Gardens, pictures over at my shiny new Tumblr, I just hate how Blogger connives to mangle any pictures I upload, so that's where I'll put stuff not quite unworthy enough to be posted on FB xP
Now, it's off to Pasir Lebar for the last week of CAT term.
Anyways, had a pretty busy weekend, spent more than a couple of hours at the Botanic Gardens, pictures over at my shiny new Tumblr, I just hate how Blogger connives to mangle any pictures I upload, so that's where I'll put stuff not quite unworthy enough to be posted on FB xP
Now, it's off to Pasir Lebar for the last week of CAT term.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Okay, I'm finally done replying most of the birthday wishes on FB (not that I found them a chore, quite the opposite, really) and also done with Kiwi-ing my boots for the end-of-course ceremony tomorrow (done in record time too, it's quite simple with my little trick) so I've got a little time to play around with till it's time to go to sleep.
I feel quite fortunate that we get to stay out, both tonight and tomorrow, as you really get to do so much more with your time. It's also a great way to chill, after today's tedium.
Last week was physically taxing, what with having to clear the path leading into D801 of more than a year's worth of accumulated mud/sand/dust/general debris, shoveling and scraping for around a day and a half under a pretty merciless sun, and while breathing hazy air. Follow that up with daily runs, PT and sports and games thrown in for good measure and we were understandably pretty shag by the end of the week. I've played more soccer over the past few weeks than I have in my entire life, which is quite pathetic, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I'm horrible, and almost exclusively right-footed, which is to say I can sortta pass and shoot with it, and do next to nothing with my left >< It's fun though, and I enjoy those nightly King of the Court matches we have at 38 SCE. On Friday, we gathered our belongings and transferred them to the adjacent MEC block, marking the end of our course at ETI. There was still a lot of stuff to bring out, though, and I almost died (hyperbole!) lugging my backpack, assault pack and handcarrying my parade boots all the way to the guardhouse, with a detour to the emart to purchase a new rank and a couple of badges.
To say I was disappointed after last week's announcement would be a major understatement, but I was more or less anticipating it, to be honest, and was braced for it. I guess I can deal with it; no disappointment is too large that I can't get over it with a couple of night's sleep and much self-dialogue; though I'd have to admit the wound was ripped open once again during today's ceremony. Oh well, I'm 100% sure that when I look back on this a few years down the road, this little thing would be the least of my worries. And at least now I can relax, but this behind me and focus on what I have to do.
Now, all that's left is to let the warm darkness of slumber embrace me, Nights~
I feel quite fortunate that we get to stay out, both tonight and tomorrow, as you really get to do so much more with your time. It's also a great way to chill, after today's tedium.
Last week was physically taxing, what with having to clear the path leading into D801 of more than a year's worth of accumulated mud/sand/dust/general debris, shoveling and scraping for around a day and a half under a pretty merciless sun, and while breathing hazy air. Follow that up with daily runs, PT and sports and games thrown in for good measure and we were understandably pretty shag by the end of the week. I've played more soccer over the past few weeks than I have in my entire life, which is quite pathetic, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I'm horrible, and almost exclusively right-footed, which is to say I can sortta pass and shoot with it, and do next to nothing with my left >< It's fun though, and I enjoy those nightly King of the Court matches we have at 38 SCE. On Friday, we gathered our belongings and transferred them to the adjacent MEC block, marking the end of our course at ETI. There was still a lot of stuff to bring out, though, and I almost died (hyperbole!) lugging my backpack, assault pack and handcarrying my parade boots all the way to the guardhouse, with a detour to the emart to purchase a new rank and a couple of badges.
To say I was disappointed after last week's announcement would be a major understatement, but I was more or less anticipating it, to be honest, and was braced for it. I guess I can deal with it; no disappointment is too large that I can't get over it with a couple of night's sleep and much self-dialogue; though I'd have to admit the wound was ripped open once again during today's ceremony. Oh well, I'm 100% sure that when I look back on this a few years down the road, this little thing would be the least of my worries. And at least now I can relax, but this behind me and focus on what I have to do.
Now, all that's left is to let the warm darkness of slumber embrace me, Nights~
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I realize now the importance of having people around you who get you, or if they don't at least endeavor to do so. There's this particular void in my life right now, where I find myself bereft of meaningful, enjoyable interactions, where I can just carelessly be myself without fear of being made fun of or summarily judged, or at the very least, having to endure moments of awkwardness. So thank you, friends, cause it's only without you guys that I realize how much you enabled me, in so many different ways. And now it feels at times like I walk a lonely road, no matter how many people I have trudging alongside me. I crave understanding, recognition and respect, and without it, I feel like I'm slowly losing myself in the crowd.
Am I special? Am I unique? Am I actually worth something? I guess no matter how much one may natter on about intrinsic worth and so on, external validation is equally important; a buttress that keeps the house of cards from caving in. I don't want to care, yet I ultimately do, which is a freaking messed up situation.
Anyways, this chapter of Gantz is pure win, go take a look.
Am I special? Am I unique? Am I actually worth something? I guess no matter how much one may natter on about intrinsic worth and so on, external validation is equally important; a buttress that keeps the house of cards from caving in. I don't want to care, yet I ultimately do, which is a freaking messed up situation.
Anyways, this chapter of Gantz is pure win, go take a look.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Something should be said, I guess. The weekend passed, very quickly. I only wish I had more time to spend curled up on the coach, cradling and devouring a book at my own pace, but alas such luxuries are few and far between. Saturday I helped out at the range at my coach's behest, which I would have felt bad denying. Spent a couple of hours there, had lunch, met Amos, went over to Nex with him, chatting along the way, about things I haven't let my brain dwell upon for oh-so-long, it was quite satisfying; a release, in so many ways. Let him to his welfare farewell, while I had dinner with Merv and Jack, and Amos joined us after he was done. Another farewell, there, with Jack sailing off with the navy in a few days time. Seems like everyone's taking their leave, in one way or another. People going off to school, if they haven't already, and even set awash by the currents of life; I can't help but wonder when, if ever, we'll get back together again.
As for me? I'm left with the not-quite entertaining prospect of the next one and a half years in MEC, which I'll probably be talking about in the not-so-distant future, so I'll leave that till later. I've had to endure so much frustration the past few weeks, I really hate it when people judge and pigeon hole, saying "oh, he's always like that", and no matter how hard I try to break perceptions, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes. Guess that goes for other things as well. It's frustrating. I want to lead, I want to be assertive. I know that I have ideas, and I want to communicate them to others, in the best way possible. Yet to get shot down by people saying "you think too much" or to simple not have the crux of the idea get across effectively, then one other guy coming along, repeating the exact same thing, only a little more forcefully, replacing my "we" with his "I", and the rest then going along with it. Why? Are my attempts at inclusiveness, at fostering discussion and so on, only ultimately self-defeating? Should I not bother at all? Or is that to be my lot in life? Someone trying, struggling, really, to transform himself, yet seeing his efforts ultimately futile, always futile. And I can't help but think plaintively, and a little pathetically, "Why don't things go my way for once?" But I guess I have to realize, and have been forced to realize the reality. That the world at large doesn't really care about the fate of individuals, there's no narrative where events will suddenly swing in my favour, the world doesn't owe me anything, nor do I have any great entitlement. Yes, I may work hard, but sadly, that doesn't entitle me to get what I wish for, such is the way of life. JTB, LL, Suck thumb.
Yet maybe it's when you lower your expectations that you can really have something to hope for, so we'll see how things pan out, eh? I should just cut out the whining and go to sleep. The week awaits.
As for me? I'm left with the not-quite entertaining prospect of the next one and a half years in MEC, which I'll probably be talking about in the not-so-distant future, so I'll leave that till later. I've had to endure so much frustration the past few weeks, I really hate it when people judge and pigeon hole, saying "oh, he's always like that", and no matter how hard I try to break perceptions, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes. Guess that goes for other things as well. It's frustrating. I want to lead, I want to be assertive. I know that I have ideas, and I want to communicate them to others, in the best way possible. Yet to get shot down by people saying "you think too much" or to simple not have the crux of the idea get across effectively, then one other guy coming along, repeating the exact same thing, only a little more forcefully, replacing my "we" with his "I", and the rest then going along with it. Why? Are my attempts at inclusiveness, at fostering discussion and so on, only ultimately self-defeating? Should I not bother at all? Or is that to be my lot in life? Someone trying, struggling, really, to transform himself, yet seeing his efforts ultimately futile, always futile. And I can't help but think plaintively, and a little pathetically, "Why don't things go my way for once?" But I guess I have to realize, and have been forced to realize the reality. That the world at large doesn't really care about the fate of individuals, there's no narrative where events will suddenly swing in my favour, the world doesn't owe me anything, nor do I have any great entitlement. Yes, I may work hard, but sadly, that doesn't entitle me to get what I wish for, such is the way of life. JTB, LL, Suck thumb.
Yet maybe it's when you lower your expectations that you can really have something to hope for, so we'll see how things pan out, eh? I should just cut out the whining and go to sleep. The week awaits.
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