I've had awhile to clear my head, sort out my thoughts, blahblah, and now I realize what a relief it is; to finally be able to say: I'M TIRED. SERIOUSLY.

Shit. Over the past few weeks, I've stretched myself, telling others; and convincing myself, that I was perfectly fine, that I'd be able to cope; and basking -in a perverse way- in the reactions that they have to it. "Hardcore", "Crazy" whatever, and that's coming from those who put quite a bit into it as well.

I was determined to carry it through. But I don't know when it began, when "my spirit started to exceed my body" (the awesome phrases you find in mangas Dx) and I felt like everything was crumbling. I pushed myself to continue, and managed to do so. However, my focus during trainings was deteriorating along with my performance; not to mention the sleepless nights just lying in bed, trying to sleep, and just staring at the ceiling wondering what was wrong. I don't think it's entirely due to shooting, but in a way, the stress was getting to me.

I have no idea how things would've turned out if I had continued that way, desperately(?), fervently trying to pour my all into 2 linked, but different-after-all things. It's not like I'm going to stop training rifle, but coach has helped me admit the merits of placing more focus on my pistol instead, so that's what I'll be doing from now till the Nationals. I'll have to find my own balance again, but we'll see how that works out.

So. It's not giving up. I think that as someone who's stuck to it for a month, I'm entitled to say that much. The crazyness stops now, and I'll do it in moderation this time, and give it my 100%, as I've always striven to do. That is all.

/end rant