I hate myself. Seeing something I don't particularly agree with but being unable to do anything about it. Feeling filthy from having to weave through so much crap, treading softly and carefully like a coward, then coming out wondering what people will think about me for it.

What makes a good person, anyway? Wanting to do "good" but only actually doing so when reality doesn't obstruct you, or doing what you think is right, regardless of any and all circumstances, without compromise? Ideally I'd like to live out the latter, but I'm too weak, and my flesh bends to reality's will. Unyielding, strong, but perhaps brittle?

Ambiguity FTW.

Life behind masks, facades, holding back; things hidden, even when with those closest to us.
Shedding the layers isn't easy; could even be dangerous, painful at times. I've felt that before; betrayed trust.
And yet when I'm around you guys I think I can forget all that; forget that they're there and just be, just have fun. So yeah, thanks for that.
But alone, when the quiet overwhelms me, I just can't help but wonder; how much of this is true, how much is real.
I think too much, sometimes.

Shooting brings up mixed emotions, now. I could dive into a rant, a perfectly justified one, about current circumstances at the drop of a hat. At the same time; I could feel pretty darn satisfied with what I'm doing.
But the overriding emotion, which grips me the strongest; is just this sense of determination. I'm going to do this properly, MY way. I'm kind of fed up being swept around all the time, being used for I have no idea what.

Life's a blast.

Bye >.<

Christmas at my aunt's house with family. The feeling of warmth and comfort just can't be replicated by anything in this world.

It's strange how bonds of blood; something we rarely ever see in our daily lives connect us so strongly.

On a totally irrelevant sidenote, there are some things, which in the doing just make you more and more tired. You just gotta decide for yourself whether its worth it to carry on >< I'm not in a mood to give up anytime soon though (:

Lemonade

Merry Christmas everyone! Haha my crazy sister got it in her head to make these "Christmas peanuts" from some similar thing with walnuts in this show, so she took some peanut shells, stuffed some random message inside and super-glued the halves together again >.<

Boxing Day (Fail knowledge of holiday nomenclature..) Christmas Eve was pretty ok. Went with Clarissa to deliver some Christmas gifts to our interviewee at Dairy Farm Road. She was really quite late, so luckily I'm very good at amusing myself: I took a walk down Dairy Farm Quarry and saw some animals, a few of which I even recognized! A pair of cute baby long-tailed macaques, a lesser racket-tailed drongo, assorted moths and butterflies and what I think was a variable squirrel which ran right across the trail in front of me. I really enjoyed myself, and found it very peaceful. Something about the coolness of the air, and the natural sounds surrounding me XD.
The only problem was that even after taking my time with the trail, I still finished before she reached...so I stoned on a stone for quite some time.

Talking to Mr Leong was interesting, since you can tell he's really passionate about nature and wanting to preserve it in Singapore. He's very nice too, and gave us a copy of NSS's publication:
Singapore Waters - Unveiling Our Seas, which has a lot of interesting information about our marine biodiversity.

A little disappointing when things don't turn out quite as expected, especially when you so looked forward to it, but that's life I guess haha.

I put a little more effort into organizing the class gathering. I should think I've managed to message the whole class, and most of them have responded already. The turnout rate looks like it's going to be quite good!

Dinner with my family was enjoyable.

That's it! Merry Christmas to all, and really; I feel that so long as we set our minds to something, anything, we'll manage it, somehow. That's what I'm feeling now.

Looking forward to something. I'll probably be disappointed though :/

Training's coming along, with all of its flaws and takeaways. As things are, my gun is insanely stable. However, because I don't feel entirely comfortable with my 动作 atm, i tend to control too much, thus when I trigger, I'm very prone to misfires. When I do well I can do really well though xP Currently, I'm trying to perfect my 动作，really get it nailed down. But apparently that's not the way to go. According to coach, I'm getting too obsessed with the details, making everything too rigid. I'll try letting up a little next time.

I was just talking to a friend about something like hope, and well...in general I think we humans are pretty illogical creatures. In the face of many obstacles and setbacks, when logic dictates that we've done all that we could and that it's now time to turn back; we continue on. We see (or think we see) this tiny speck of light in the darkness, amidst roiling waters, and we direct our efforts to struggle towards it. Even as we're pushed back; we struggle on anyways. And after we push forwards, gasping for breath as we arrive at where we thought we spied that light; only to find that it was an illusion; we struggle somemore, for an even further off speck of hope.

Not all of us are like that, of course. But I don't particularly hate that way of life. One that gives itself direction; and strives with every particle of being. Towards it.

So call me a fool, call me a retard. But I'll do it anyway.

Falling through the gaps in reality; I wonder what that must feel like.

Going out to meet old people in new ways and settings, trying something new. I could take a leaf from TG's book in organizing gatherings XD

Some people worry too much, really...

It's been an amazing weekend.

We had this class outing to ECP yesterday where we rented some bikes and just cycled down the connector to Changi. It was my first time cycling in years; and my first time cycling any significant distance, so it was really enjoyable. Cycling down this long straight road; just pushing at the pedals and feeling yourself move forwards, and the cool wind blowing into your face; is as Amos so aptly put it: just shiok. Cycling with friends was really fun, but to be really honest; I wouldn't mind cycling myself, the shiok feeling doesn't really diminish when alone. The upside is that going with friends really gives me the motivation to go all the way down to ECP; I wouldn't go halfway across Singapore to cycle otherwise XD.

Currently an idea that seems particularly alluring to me is going fishing with a friend or two. Overnight, if possible. Well as Amos was saying, who the friend is really matters as well. Has to be someone you can either talk to all night, or whose company you enjoy without the need to say anything. Mmm.

The chorale concert after that wasn't too bad as well, though some of the songs, especially those in foreign languages got a little boring at times. Jack and myself found the skit put up by P.U.N.C.H to be extremely interesting, thanks to all the lameness injected of course. I'm evidently Yifan's strongest supporter, since noone else was particularly willing to shout out his name as encouragement...made me feel so extra.

We had supper afterwards, then went home.

As a new week starts once more, I get the feeling that the short reprieve has ended; that I'll have to start putting in some work once again, since in comparison to my ever-so-diligent friends, I've done practically nothing at all.

Plans are underway for a class Christmas X New Year celebration, tentatively on 2nd Jan. Probably a barbecue at someone's condo. I'll get around to emailing the e-group sometime, but if by some obscure chance anyone happens to see this, lemme know whether you're available. We need to have more stuff before JC gets started full-swing.

I'm starting to do my homework. It's interesting; bio at least, but I'm developing this headache.

Admiralty park was cool, except for the clouds of flies and mosquitoes trying to suck your blood. I accidentally burst this mosquito biting Sing Yee and his blood splattered on my hand urgh. He's good at spotting stuff, so it was pretty educational and interesting.

I'll be missing training for the next 2 days; I don't particularly mind, I could use the break, R&R and all that.

The hols are slipping away, almost all gone now, I think. Trying to grasp desperately at what's left. Success to be determined.

Drink deeply from the cup of life. I wonder whether I've been doing that. My activities are pretty limited, but I'd like to think I make up for variety with intensity. I probably have much more room to pack stuff in though.

And well, people have been telling me that what I'm doing is pointless; wasting my time, even. If I am just to be a backup, if I don't get to shoot, my efforts could be better devoted elsewhere. But you know what? While it would be cool to shoot, I don't particularly mind if I don't. I see value in what I'm doing. I don't need that competition to validate my efforts. I'm secure in myself enough that it won't affect me.

Too often people place too much emphasis on the results, than on the processes that get you there. I don't agree, especially when it's the process which makes things so enjoyable.

They're my efforts, so please let me decide whether they're worthwhile or not; rather than presume to taint them with your ignorant opinions.

Silence

Just sitting there, mouth flexing ever so slightly, as I deliberate over what to say next. Not for a lack of words, mind you; or things to talk about, either. It's not that I hate you. It's just that...I don't know how to communicate.
Words tumble out of my mouth, and are swallowed, by the poignant silence.
It sucks.

My training regime's working out pretty well; 1.5 hours on pistol, 1.5 hours on rifle. I should probably reach Safra earlier though, to maximize training time.

It feels quite good, to relive being a pistoler, without the pressure of having to perform; as of yet anyway. Without this pressure, I feel released to relearn what I have to, and perhaps to overcome the block I faced last time. I'll have to re-psycho myself pretty soon, if I'm to perform under competition conditions.

Small steps bring me forward on this great journey. And as of now, I'm astride these 2 wonderfully parallel paths. Will they diverge?

It's ironic, really. I spend hours on the com, playing with people I don't even know; yet I barely spend any time with you.

Immersed in Shooting

It's been a little more than 3 days since I got back from Hangzhou and I realize, to my surprise that I've already trained thrice; four times counting that pistol dry firing on Monday.

The trip gave me the much needed momentum to start training, and I have this feeling that this momentum will serve to bring me a long, long way.

Training is awesome. It's calming, as you stand there at your lane, trying to recollect the feeling of the previous shot, and replicate it again. It trains my focus. And most importantly; it's something to do. It disrupts the tedium of holiday life, a life likely spent at home unless I make the effort to go do something meaningful.

I've been getting weird stares, as I draw out first my pistol, then after I'm done, my rifle, for the next detail of training. I'll endeavor to do both; and do well. However, there's always this lingering fear that I'll burn out too fast if I continue at this pace: 2 trainings a day; 1 pistol and 1 rifle. On the bright side; the self-taxation brought about by mental fatigue should technically help me to push my limits further. Time will tell.

On the airplane at night; I look out the window, and trace the constellations visible at a little higher than eye-level. The faint shimmering lines my mind draws between individual stars leads me on to the next star, and the next after that.
Another airplane flies past in the opposite direction; nothing more than a mere blinking light in the starry sky. Blinking in tandem to the lights on my plane's wings. An unlikely coincidence, I'd venture.

Such moments in time; beautiful to the beholder. If only such means existed; such that these moments could be captured perfectly; in their entirety; for this beauty viewed to be shared, as one sees it. Perhaps, if such means existed; the multitude misunderstandings between people could be abolished, conflicts resolved. Cameras; no matter how strong, just don't quite cut it.

Stumbling

I'm a shooter. I know that in alot of things in life, there's no margin for error. One little screwup, one wee twitch as the gun goes off; may just cost you the competition.

Well, things're perfectly fine with shooting, as you're trying to do the exact same thing over and over afterall. Once you've found what works, stick with it and you're all set to go. But what does one do in life, where new things just keep popping up, and sometimes; we just don't know what to do? Fear of making a mistake could result in inaction; but that in itself, could very well be the largest mistake of all. 

Personally, I'd rather commit the error of the former than the latter. While this makes me feel like I'm constantly stumbling through life; and occasionally have to pick myself up from the ground, tending to the wounds I've suffered from a particularly hard fall; at least I'm going somewhere, right? And well, I figure that if you just keep falling forwards, you won't end up too far from your ultimate goal xD

Stumble through life.

Opportunities

You speak of opportunities missed, never to be offered again; as if its an irrevocable loss, one that I'll feel keenly. Now, perhaps I, in my youth won't; can't understand the loss. But can't it be, that this sound of one door slamming shut; is also the sound of another creaking open?

I won't believe that life is as closed as you would make me believe, the past year has showed me that; if nothing more. Doors close; doors open, all part and parcel of this thing called "life". I love you. I respect you. But all I ask, is that I be allowed the latitude of choice; to pick those I wish to step through.
I accept the consequences.

Friends are a treasure.

Went for a double-outing today: an hour or so at Vivo with some psers and the better part of the day with Sarah, Roxanne, Yifan, Angela, Jack and Joo Gian.

Hanging out with the psers was pretty cool; we just sat there spinning our pens. My level of enthusiasm isn't nearly as high as the rest, but it was fun nonetheless.

For our class outing, we went to this magic show at the ACM; then had some Mexican dinner beside the river before going home. The in-between, while glossed over, was fun, retarded, and consisted of way too much suaning on my part. I shall have to tone down :S


You know, sometimes when I just don't seek people's opinion, it's cause I pretty much already know what they'll say. Nothing new offered, so why bother? I'm being more than abit unfair here; but that's the liberty of youth, methinks. Sweeping statements aplenty.

I'm back

After spending the past 4 hours or so catching up on my back-logged manga, I'm now gonna post about my trip.

In one line: It was one of opportunities; many of which I took up, some of which I missed out upon.

Training my shooting there; under 陈教练 really gave me a new perspective on shooting; and I'm further motivated to put even more into it. Seeing the way they train in China really let me learn how inadequate my trainings up till now have been. I've learnt that it's not just about the training hours, it's also about the quality of the training. Even beyond that, I actually got to experience it for myself, which is a whole different ballgame. 陈教练's insights really helped me with the difficulties I've had with my shooting. While these problems haven't been entirely solved, I now feel equipped to deal with them. I'm confident that I'll be able to do well and further improve in future trainings.

Since most of us who went were from the RI shooting team, I got the chance to interact a lot more with my juniors, and in a different capacity than when I was a Sec 4 senior. It's comforting to see how they have come into their own (without much thanks to us seniors I must add). Their distinctly boys-only school brand of retardedness was relaxing in a way, and pretty darn awesome.

It's been a pretty cool trip, got to try out the small-bore rifle as well as archery. Talking to some of the shooters there was an educational experience as well; and not only about shooting mmm. I've picked up some magic tricks; can't wait to try them out.

There's been a lot of food for thought, which I shall take my time to digest. Perhaps I'll share some of the end products later.

Now, for a few hours of sleep before my psing meeting. Hope I can make it for that class outing as well~

*As you approach Singapore city, the lights of the many buildings sparkle; illuminate the night sky, as if to welcome you home; after a long, long journey. Singapore's beautiful; it's home. And I was thinking: I know how Odysseus must've felt, as he was swept away from Ithaca; within sight of shore*

Leaving...on a jetplane :D

Leaving for Hangzhou from the 30th to the 11th.

Of depatures, arrivals, loss, shoots and...a quest for badges?!

A friend left Singapore yesterday. We chatted a little. Well, many have been flying off left right center. Hope they have safe & fun trips.

My parents arrived back in Singapore yesterday as well; after an expensive, harried romp around Europe. Kinda missed them while they were gone, but things're back to normal now. Well, now I've got a new wallet (green), new belt and erm...coin pouch as the by-products of their spree. Thanks!

When I arrived at Safra for the internal shoot; imagine my horror when I discovered that my pellet case had gone missing. I emptied the cupboard; no luck. Asking around also yielded no results. And now I shall have to go off to Hangzhou without it. Sucks.

The results of the shoot: 534 were disappointing, but just like last week's one, I really learnt a lot. Idk why, but when I shoot many individual shots, in a row, I can really feel it. It isn't really experimenting per se, but as I go through the shoot, I try different methods to achieve the same result. Like I try just keeping the general feeling of the energy distribution constant, or try just focusing on my left arm and so on. Through this, I can really find out which one works most for me, and what I shoot kind of helps me to verify that. So fer instance, I now know what it feels like to relax my body entirely. And I didn't know that previously. So that's good.

Spent time packing for the trip today, with loads of help from my uncle and grandma.

2nd internal shoot tomorrow. I...haven't been training that much this week; coupled with some recent problems, I can only do my best :S

I asked coach wrt to changing my 动作 but he advised against doing so, though he'll let me give it a try if I really want to. It's frustrating how much these little things bother me so...

"Class" outing today, participation wasn't anywhere near stellar, but I guess that's to be expected. Met yifan and amos in school to play frisbee; and the most embarassing wardrobe malfunction occurred. My pants split. T.T
yifan irritated me to no end, then had to go home before we managed to even do anything. Meh.

Lanning with amos, mervyn and jack (who joined us at 4-ish) really helped me scratch this itch I've been having since way back. We had dinner at Astons after that (my first time). It's really good and affordable.

It was fun overall, despite the occasional bumps. I'm really looking forward to the over-night cycling which amos and jack've promised to organize. Mmm.

Aside, dreams in the same vein have been plaguing me lately. I'd better straighten up my idea X.X

“Success can burn up the person who achieves it. Excellence usually feeds whoever works hard to acquire it.”

                                                                                                                                                     Thomas Boswell

 Shamelessly ripped from Mr Koh's feedback. 

Thanks for giving so much, so freely to us undeserving students. Friends from other classes talk about how horrible other teachers can be, and I can only feel blessed(?) to have had you as ours.

Out in the rain

Standing in the rain; in my courtyard, totally drenched as droplets of water fell on me. It was cold. And yet, it felt like nothing I did would impinge upon the outside world. It was for myself. It was liberating.

Pistoler?

I got rejected for the external H3 I applied for. Don't think I'll be appealing.

I'll shoot pistol if I have to, but I won't like it.

It's funny. I started off this thing 5 years ago, a rifle shooter. After around 1/2 a year, coach got me to switch to pistol, which I shot for the next 4 years. There were ups and downs; and I never really did perform exceptionally. However, I was determined to overcome my problems and excel in it. That's why I continued with this sport in RJ after all. Then the unthinkable happened: For multifarious reasons that do not bear mentioning; I changed to rifle. I decided then, that I'd give it my all, but had reservations about it, and felt that "I could never love it as much as I did pistol". I even harbored thoughts of switching back to pistol after I graduated. But over the months since then; I've grown attached to this event, and my past career as a pistoler seems all so distant. I was satisfied. In fact, I still am. I've grown used to this event, and actually enjoy doing all that I can to improve in it. I want to reach 600, eventually.

So when coach asked me to pick up the pistol again, to shore up the boy's team if need be, I was understandably reluctant. But I still did it anyway, since that's probably my duty I guess. I accept that. And when I picked up the gun, all those challenges I had faced came back. And I'm unprepared to face them. I have to admit; I'm no longer a pistol shooter; the relevant muscles have degenerated from lack of use and my mental aspect is sorely lacking. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to go through with this, but I know that going in with this kind of mindset is the wrong thing to do. So I'll just give it my best whenever I'm doing it, train diligently. but I'm not going to pressure myself. That's all I can promise.

Drop off the face of the world why don't you...

Training both pistol and rifle's an intriguing thought, but idk whether I'll be able to handle it. I'll try for now.

Biggest house lizard I've ever seen. Finger for comparison.

Fire in the Range

Yep, I started off this post with a horrible pun; perhaps you'll have realized that once you're done reading it.

Woke up at 12.45, after staying up to read Smash! and The Swarm (which is a totally worthwhile read; a little more than 800 pages jampacked with pure unadulterated awesome).

After some lazing around, I left for Safra to prepare for the internal shoot. With much time to spare till the shoot at 7.30, I took a large detour, strolling around Yishun Central, and looking at those awesome little fish shops there. And that's when I saw this: 

  

Perhaps its a little unclear; probably cause its from my puny 5 mp handphone. Does this help?

The darn thing has TWO heads. I kid you not, its the real McCoy. It can be found in this fish shop opposite Khoo Teck Puat Hospital; and is on sale for a cool $8,888. Amazing. As a bio student, I really wonder how it functions like that. Do they share control of each body part? Or does each control one side? Or is one just a dummy? It looked pretty alert to me. Really intriguing either way; that little detour was really fruitful I'd say.

Next up was the internal shoot. I shot 550, a personal best. I'll do better next time, of course. Today didn't even feel that good: I couldn't really find out the 感觉 to shoot a 10 for the first 30 or so shots, and in fact; I was a little panicked during my third series; no 10s were coming out, and I eventually shot an 8, resulting in my lowest series of the day: 89. I was really having trouble with my 瞄扣配合. The takeaway I had, was to relax completely, and to not even think about controlling the gun to get it to enter the 瞄区, and to "separate" my sight from my actions in a sense. While I allow my eye to look through the sights at the target, I cannot try to get the sight to align if it by using any force. Just let it sway naturally; and fire at the right moment. Sounds easy; or even confusing to those that don't know what I'm talking about, but honestly, its not. It's funny, really. While I've been trying to do this in training, and coach keeps on nagging at me; it was only through this actual competition condition that I was able to actually feel it for myself. I think in a way, this internal shoot was more productive for me than the past 2 weeks of training. Strange.

Now, it's time to explain the pun. As I was returning my gun to the armory, Jau Tung came out of it, saying: "There's a fire" Now, he was so dead-pan when saying it that as I stepped in to return my gun; although I noticed the smoke and the smell of burning...stuff, I just attributed it to the machinery. I took awhile to realize; that a fire had started. Wow. The wiring had overheated, and sparked into a fire; which burned a hole in the projector screen. It's the first time I've ever seen this kind of thing, and fortunately it was extinguished soon after, leaving this smog hanging about the range. You know; I frequently joke that in case of an emergency, us rifler's would be doomed, as it'd be nigh impossible to escape in our cumbersome suits. Go figure.

So yeah, Fire in the Range. Cause you know, shooters fire at the targets, and well, ^ this fire.

Tonight's full moon is beautiful.

Seems like the internet's crashing; or the manga hosting sites at least. So many loading errors from MangaFox, MangaReader and even TenManga. Only the chinese site seems to be stable. Life has lost a little colour -.-

Internal Shoot today; and I didn't go to train yesterday. Wonder how I'll do? Results are secondary, of course, it's the process that matters. Sucky cliche, je sais.

A spectrum of diverging similarities; particles moving through space and time, each unique.

The last day of school, was pretty much like the second last day, and the one before that. I overslept, rushed over to school, caught the Econs video; we were released early, then played basketball as a class. We had quite a good game today, though I failed at scoring; while Jack switched on his aimbot (I really have to ask him where he got it from). Bio lec after that, by what has to be either the best, or the most spastic lecturer ever. Opinions're divided. He's obsessed with spiderman, and has this sadistic exercise where he sets a time limit for copying. I'm faster now, since I decided to just jot down key points. I actually grasp bio now, and its pretty interesting. Perhaps molec bio will be something like this?

Lunch at S11 ($) followed by frozen yogurt at Marble Slab Creamery. Went home, slacked and went off to train, amidst the pouring rain, holding this huge umbrella that boomed.

Shot an astounding total of 5 shots for training, with >1 hour spent on dry-firing to try to get my position right. Coach eventually helped me to install sight-raisers, which I'd wanted from the start, and gave me a belt as well; as my pants were...well...too loose XP Tomorrow will be awesome, I swear. I get frustrated too easily, guess I have to realize where things stand currently; take that as a starting point and work from there. While you may aim for the stars, AND hit the moon in the process; you don't get there with fairy dust and wishes do you?

There must be many tool-less mechanics out there; as many a wrench hath been thrown into my plans. Wanted to go to BTNR today morning with Sing Yee, but abrasions from basketball kind of hinder my walking - I'm now waddling like a duck - so no luck there. The rest of the guys aren't really keen on going out tomorrow, can't blame them as they're pretty busy and Tuesday's plans have gone up in smoke as well. Haix, I want to DO something, and it seems like I'm the only bo liao person around. I could train 3x a day but I do think that'd be going a little too far. Proactivity seems to be the keyword of the hour.

End of Narrative Account

As Amos put it; it can't really be called the last day of school per se. JC is just one long string of 2 years; but is it so bad to want to steal a break from this month and a half?

Kang Yan's birthday today. I think I actually got her a present for what might be the first time ever. Wonder what that says about me as an elder brother...the lucky bugger got 3 cakes and this gigantic jelly which she flaunted on fb...

Missed training for the 3rd day in a row. I just so tired that I couldn't bear to drag myself to Yishun after getting home. I'll just have to inject some momentum starting today. I think another reason is that I wanted to distance myself from Monday's dismal training; really lost my compose after being unable to visually focus on the target card properly - My vision just went blurry after a few seconds - and some problems with the 瞄扣意识 process that coach wants us to do. Well, 600s my ultimate, if a bit unrealistic aim, so I'll just have to work towards it.

Last day of school Last few hours of school are approaching rapidly, and I guess just like all other J1s out there, its been a fast year, it really passed in the blink of an eye. Perhaps, it is as some suggest; that its because so many things happened within this one year. But whatever it is, next year will be even faster.

To grasp hold of time, and wring out every last dreg of potential in it, is exactly what I plan to do, starting now. Rather than wondering whether this life of mine has an inherent meaning waiting to be discovered, or whether I'll have to inject meaning myself; sitting here's not going to do anything.

Off I go.

Whole day spent doing absolutely nothing. Awesum!

What makes a person good? Thinking about doing bad stuff but choosing not to do it, or not thinking about doing bad stuff at all?

The latter's really just innocence IMO, not real goodness. Of course, if the former only happens due to fear of repercussions, it's not really good is it?

Walking alone really gives me the chance for introspection; for my thoughts to roam free. And while I've often remained content to allow them free reign within my head; to romp around, unrestrained; always I've been afraid to let them out, lest these fragile, delicate thoughts of mine break and shatter, after leaving the protective greenhouse of my mind. Where they'll be exposed to the withering sun and drowning rain, of people, who just won't listen.

But I've decided to take a chance, with this as an intermediate medium of sorts; to let them out of the greenhouse, and see, whether they have a shot at survival.

A fulfilling romp as always; leaves me feeling rested and refreshed, feeling that I can take on the world, and everything it has to throw at me; that my heart is large enough to take in anything, and everything, any number of tens, or zeroes, it matters not. But the real world soon drags the feeling away, as the banalities of reality push this feeling away, and I sink back into life. Till next time~

No point

At first there was nothing.
Then a point appeared. It had no size, no volume, no magnitude; just a point in space, nothing special, nothing great, almost nothing at all, to be honest.
But it had one thing. The ambition, the drive, to be something more than it currently was, to let the universe know of its presence.
It looked at the stars -wait, no, not looked- It sensed the stars shining, basking in the light from those tiny pinpricks many lightyears distant and wondered; as much as any point could wander: Little points in space, just like (me) how is it that they shine so brightly; to pierce this void?
And the stars twinkled as if in reply: We shine; for ourselves, we shine so bright, consuming ourselves, we light the sky.
Then it knew, the point did. And it grew, gaining volume, gathering particles, a coming-together of points; and ignited; an iridescent ball it now was.
It exulted in its glory; throwing its rays to the furthest reaches of space, freely, and without a thought.
And then it was spent; burnt out, and it collapsed, into nothing.

A point in space; lonely, wondering, at the light of star, lightyears away; long burnt out.

And after 6 hours of sleep, I've finally recovered from that awesome sleepover of a class party. Now, I'm not into recounts of past events, so you're out of luck. Lanning from 1 to 5, karaoke, guitar hero, night swimming and "ultimate ball", mahjong, saboteur, truth or dare, sleeping at 6 to wake up at 9, then napping till 12. Random acts of gayness witnessed and partaken in. Mmm.
Not to be negative, but I realize I'm a talentless loser. I'll try to overcome that somehow. I've taken to drawing; trying a new method to do so: Visualize the image and superimpose it upon the paper, and just trace from there. Not too successful atm, but perhaps I'll improve with time.

Now, I haven't done justice to the experience, but I don't really feel up to it, so maybe later. Now onto shooting. The head, focus on the back, simple, really. I want to perfect my action, though. 600's my goal, my ultimate destination. Coach wants me to come up with a cohesive thought process for my shooting. Makes enough sense, I'll work on it in future trainings. Focus on making that action perfect during dry-fire and grouping, thought process during ti hui.

Signing out.

And...it's over.

Now I know the value of practice, of giving your all into practicing for a speech. Perhaps...that's the reason why...that thing happened. I must've practiced >20 times on Sunday. Shouting at the catfish, at the greenery, while waiting for the rest to get to school at 8.30 in the morning, practicing in front of the mirror in the toilet, during our actual rehearsal, stopping at random intervals after we disbanded while walking out of school to stand there for 5 minutes to read it out. And even on the way home, and well into the night, with the glare of my dad's video camera blinding my eyes. When you want something enough, you've gotta do all you can for it.

And the class party after that. Not bad at all. After lunch, we left the girls and merv behind to go lanning. Took 1.45 mins to complete that first level of L4D2, dying a total of 11 times. My, that last stage with the car was just...saddening. After that, we rejoined to group, and went to watch "the social network". An awesome movie, but a bit too emotive for something that's purported to be a "documentary" of sorts. Dinner after that, and I realized I blew 21.20 in the course of one day. Kinda worth the money, though I feel like an ass saying that, seeing that it's not my ka-ching I'm spending.

I'll miss group meetings I think, and I can't help but wonder whether I'll ever talk to my (ex?)group-mates again. Well, time will tell.

Somehow, I can't get my heart back into shooting just as yet. The inertia's really taken hold of me. Man, I just want to laze around all day >.< But I'll be back soon enough. Just give me a little time.

I'll miss you~

It feels like something should be said; that there's some kind of lesson to be learnt from all this. But I just can't put it into words. Or maybe I just can't be bothered.

OP...oh why do you bother me so -.-

I was left feeling pretty emotional after yet another one of Mr Koh's "sessions" I guess I'd call them. Probably the last one. Listening to those 2 groups speak, I can't say whether I felt inspired or humbled. Not that I was arrogant about my speaking abilities; I never was, but they left me feeling that the effort I'd put in was little, that this little scrap of paper that I was clinging to was just pathetic. I don't really know what to say.

I need to shoot some stuff. SOON.

Other than that, the past few days of chionging stuff has been pretty fun I'd say, but that's probably just me XD

I've been in a dark mood of late. Idk why, really. Seems like all the unresolved stuff of late are rising out of the murky depths of my mind to pester me again. They're getting a lil' tough to banish :/

Sorry, but I'm just tired, you know?

Everyone is, I can see that. But I don't know, by keeping it bottled up inside, by keeping my cool, by trying to be understanding, I'm just becoming more and more stressed. Too stressed, in fact, to write out a well-reasoned post.

So here, I shall stop.

Tolerance is not equal to acceptance. Never, ever forget that.

Lemme qualify that. While you may tolerate circumstances outside your control, humans have a tendency; an annoying one, to eventually come to accept those circumstances and get used to them. No change will ever come out of that.

SO, I REPEAT. TOLERATE, NOT ACCEPT.

Aside, I'd like to commend Jack & Co. (sounds totally like Fish & Co IKR?) for a job well done with ConserveCert today yesterday. Even though the turnout rate was less than desirable, you guys did a GREAT job! *CLAPS*

And now I see that you were there; when at first I didn't care~

Our perceptions are heavily colored by our momentary interests, and that's the plain truth.

Pissed

You know what? I'm perfectly aware of how to make use of my current action, even if it IS crappy.
But please don't tell me that you aren't going to help make it better, cause I'd be really disappointed if you did.
I'm doing this to get better; even better, not just to learn how to make use of this lousy action I have.
Don't let me down.

It's quite sad how other groups can be meeting up to prepare for OP while mine is nowhere to be seen and I end up loitering in the library. Hope the same thing doesn't happen tomorrow..

Preparations for IHC are going well, largely due to the anal retentive nature of a certain member. Not that its bad or anything, just a little frightening.

Training went well. I'm not using my inner vest anymore, so it's much easier to relax my arm while bringing the gun close to my body. However, this made things a little cramped and unnatural, so I still ended up controlling the gun quite a lot during my 50 shot grouping, and the shoulder piece kept sliding upwards. Got coach to adjust it for me, so now at least THAT'S taken care of. It's been bugging me for awhile now.Also made some adjustments to the rear sight positioning and so on. My body which felt so cramped at first now feels so released ~ My ti hui were so much better, and really easier to shoot. Awesum.

-Stop thinking bout things that'll never happen, cause they never will, if you get my drift-

Went to BTNR with Clarissa today morning. Not a bad trip, we saw a colugo (that's a flying lemur for you ignorant guys out there), a rare find by all accounts, especially since its a nocturnal animal. Also saw a pair of drongos, either mating or competing for territory, not sure which. They flew right over our heads, a little hard to miss, right? Spied some squirrels in the distance, but they were really really tiny, really only a streak in the foliage. A rustling of leaves led us to some lizard (an iguana?) and I terrorized a spiny tortoise into hiding. Saw quite a few cross spiders; what's really cool about them is how they keep their legs in pairs, so they look like a cross. So yeah, I saw this one which seemed to be wrapping some poor prey up in silk, as well as this large, gross one, which I somehow scared out of its web :/

The real pity is that Clarissa's puny digicam couldn't really capture them nicely, so that's kinda sad.

Took a direct bus to yishun after that; slept all the way there XD Trained without my inner vest on as I had difficulty bending my left arm properly; a little too fat, thus the strain was too much. Works for me, I guess, but I still have to work on relaxing my left arm and control it less. The left-right discrepancy is horrible...I paved the way today, so now I've just gotta work on it diligently!

And I realized that I seem to have grown since I got my suit. The proof? Originally, without my inner vest, the suit was a little loose around the shoulders, but now its a perfect fit. Haix, hope I don't outgrow it. (But maybe this explains my weight gain? XD)

I realize that I'm constantly suppressing myself; too many times something happens, and there I am ranting away in my head but in the end I keep these (perfectly valid I must add) to myself, out of a desire to not add more fuel to the fire. But I wonder; in doing so, am I making myself less of a person? In doing so, am I putting myself at a disadvantage?


Whatever it may be, that's the way I do things, for good or for worse. So if you really know me; don't just assume that because I say nothing that I'm perfectly happy, 'kay? XD

Small people in a small world

Been wanting to post for awhile now, but dota's been keeping me occupied. So now that all the rooms're full, there's a little time to spare for this.

THE PROMOS ARE OVER! Surprising elation even though I didn't spend much time preparing for it. Went out with the class after chem to celebrate; lunch, lanning and whatnot. L4D2 is surprisingly engaging.

And so it begins

Predictably, a post about the prelims promos. Not-so-predictability, the putting down of a checklist of sorts:
GP:

1. Personal and style
2. Having a stand
3. Organization of ideas
4. Examples
5. Language and grammar

That's 'bout it for the essay I guess. I'm not too worried 'bout Paper 2 as I seem to do pretty decently with that (I have a foreboding feeling about that statement though argh). I lack much of them, but there's no time, so bleh, just whack it..

I get the feeling I'm going to pay for the past few days (and weeks?) of debauchery but well...the me in the short term doesn't really care. Idk about the me in the future though. Sorry, future me, you're gonna pay for my mistakes, oh yes you will. :D

Shoot the Moon

Taking things surprisingly easy right now. I wonder...

Stuff

Stuff's happened in the past 16 days, I'm now 17, my gun broke down, I rented a Safra gun for the first time, and now, I've got a new one. 709461. Awesome. And well, the general trend's been pretty upward, though that's only if you look at it like in an econs case study. It's been a bumpy ride. Shooting-wise, I'm doing pretty well. Action's starting to solidify and my mental's getting stronger if I do say so myself. Acads-wise...hehe let's just say I'm hoping the promos won't be a total joke.

And...PW. I could write an entire essay, probably more on PW and stuff that I've learnt. Tolerance, how to suck it and well..other things. Wrapping up the WR is no mean task, well we've just got to see how we can manage it.

97 =) a little superficial, perhaps, but it proves i've shattered another wall, another ceiling. Now it's time to go on up.

Expunge the metaphysical aspect. Don't think so much about the "feeling", the "distribution of energy" and other abstract stuff. Nail it down to reality, the 4 core "principles" which coach just keeps on emphasizing. It works! Now to train my will, to be resolute and as hard as steel.

It's intriguing how things can seem so different after a mere 24 hours. Does the upswing really come that fast? Or is it just dependent on this mercurial mood of mine? Who knows.

The same starting point, all those years back.
But now I'm staring at your backs.
And can't help but wonder,
what is it that's been holding me back.
I'd rather it be lack of motivation, lack of drive, than the lack of talent, that I must deny.
And so I train and run, train and chase
To prove that I have, what it takes.
-Me

The beauty the eye beholds; which the camera can but dream of capturing.
Never to be mine alone.

If I were to express all my thoughts here, it'd fill up the whole page. Things're just that messy, just that convoluted, just that diverse. It's complicated. The hopes and aspirations I have with shooting, juxtaposed with the reality of things as they stand right now; the multitude of problems with PW as we've chosen a rocky path, which we find ourselves unable to complete coupled with the issue of directing a group of diverse personalities who aren't fantastic at working together to complete a task which just seems to grow in magnitude with every passing moment. The upcoming promos and the realization that I don't have it in me to push myself to a higher gear to face it in good stead. The inevitable reality that I'll have to cut down on training to start taking hold of my life; its spiraling out of control, headed in a direction I don't think is good at all. The uncertainty in interactions, the wondering, the loneliness, the fear of rejection, the appreciation of reliable friends. The above and more, all mixed into one package, all messed up, interlacing, tugging upon each other and getting hopelessly tangled up in my head. Tough.

Possibly because of this, I find that my emotions've been on a short leash of late. I get frustrated really easily, and despite my efforts to prevent it, it shows, especially at times when I can't afford for it to. I find my mind drifting ever so often to the "dark" side, falling into dark moods, thinking the worst of a situation, getting pissed off. I want control back, dammit!

When the heart's just not in it, don't expect the body to follow.

YOG shooting, truly inspirational. I now aspire to shoot in a finals one day. Wonder whether I'll ever make it >.<

不要明知故犯。If you can feel something wrong, or the 指向 is off from the start; put the gun gun, don't force it into place. 对动作过程的要求要更加严格。Only then will I be able to get the consistency of my actions right and avoid shooting 远弹 and rise to the next level of "existence".

Weiqi-filled day of AWESOME!

I participated in the Super Go Youth Challenge 2010 today and faced roughly 6 hours of unabated weiqi-ness, and yes, I know that's not even a word. I ended up playing 7 rounds, which is roughly 3x the total number of games I had ever played up till today. Entering as a novice in all senses of the words, I'm pretty lucky I didn't get devoured by all the "sharks" out there. I ended up winning 4 rounds out of the 7, which is a pretty commendable achievement if I must say so myself. But besides the scores, I've taken back a lot out of this experience.

During normal trainings, I'm usually very hesitant to place my seeds, as I'm afraid of making the wrong move, and constantly feel the need to check with the coach and the more experienced players as to their validity. This notion was thrown out of my head the moment my first match begins. Facing a ruthless opponent who's only desire is to cut your pieces apart and gobble you whole, you can't help but have more confidence in your moves, and to maintain your composure even when you're having a hard time withstanding the onslaught.

I also learned to maintain my focus. Blunders occur; that's a fact of life. It's what you do after the blunder, whether you're able to recollect yourself after that blunder and gear yourself towards salvaging the solution that determines victory or defeat. This happened to me several times. After making a mistake that cost me a corner, I had to retain my focus and composure and fight to the bitter end, eventually edging out my opponent to win me the game by a small margin. If I had resigned myself earlier, I would definitely not have been able to salvage the game.

Keep your pieces connected. Another important lesson, learned through several painful mistakes. sometimes a false eye just isn't going to cut it, and getting cut at a vital spot due to a moment's oversight can be a really painful experience indeed. In fact, this is what cost me victory in the last round, and my shot at an 8th place medal. So, don't make big moves, don't rush in brashly, and remember to keep those pieces connected. Only then will there be a solid framework to mount an attack from.

Since we were playing on the 13x13 board, the area is much smaller, and thus I realized the importance of capturing and securing the sides before fighting for the center area. However, this perception was violently challenged in my 6th game by a canny opponent who managed to push my lines to the side and capture the center. It was only through a stroke of inspiration that I managed to plant a group in his area that survived, thus giving me enough territory to win, albeit by a relatively small margin. It was a close game that really tested my composure and mental stamina.

Overall, I'm proud of my showing at the competition, since all the other competitors were part of the Singapore Weiqi Association Youth Connection and had significantly more support and experience. Although my first set was messy, I really learned from it and edged to victory in the second after my opponent missed something. I then dominated the flow in the third, only to lose in the fourth after a weak opening coupled with a series of bad decision. The fifth was a desperate scramble for territory which I just barely won, and the sixth was a mentally taxing battle of wits, where my opponent managed to bag some territory for himself and then proceeded to mount an admirable attack on mine. I held firm at the right and managed to take advantage of an oversight on his part to repel the attack, but succumbed to an attack on the bottom left corner, and missed out an attack on my left, thus causing me to lose by 8 moku. A pity, really.

These 7 games gave me lots of experience, and have made me more confident in myself. Though I know I've got a long way to go, I now know that not all players are like Miss Cho, a seemingly unshakable and infallible robot of a player. They make mistakes, just as I do, and if I'm alert, I'm able to capitalize on them to take the game. It's been a fun, fruitful and educational day.


As a side note, I suspect melancholy is creeping up on me. I don't know whether it's the loneliness, or the sense of disconnect and distance between myself and those around me, Should I ignore it? Perhaps it'll go away

PW's cropping up, and it seems like things're in shambles. Vague concepts which I can barely grasp, which Mr Koh keep talking about, just confuse me, and drive me further into desperation. It is at these times I see what kind of person I am, and oh my, I don't like myself one bit. When faced with adversity, the fight-or-flight response is only natural. Thus when driven into a corner, when the latter is taken out of the equation, taking up the former might seem to be intuitive to most. I am not one of them. I have come to realize that when driven into a corner, I try to fight. I try, but not with my best efforts. After that feeble effort, I just turn inwards, ignoring the source of adversity to the best of my ability. This disgusts me, but I don't really know what I can do about it. Fight?

Shooting posture's changed slightly, now I've gotta stand with my legs spread wider, and draw back my hip more. I can't really find where my elbow's supposed to go that well as of yet, and that's been giving me some trouble. But I realized that I don't have to get the location exactly right, just about there's good enough. If the alignment's off, just put the gun down and do it all over again. Patience's the operative word here xD. 3 phases after raising the gun: adjusting elbow positioning and basic body stability, then the phase before the cheek down action, where I put my cheek on the rest but don't go down fully. Feel that my left arm is straight and relaxed, and that my right shoulder's relaxed too. General feeling of body stability should be present too. After that, cheek down fully, while making sure that that feeling is unaffected, and that energy distribution isn't disturbed. Check alignment. Re-do if it's off. Just concentrate on that feeling and the awareness of the "energy" as I trigger.

And everything just goes round and round, round and round, up and down, up and down
And I can't help but wonder
Has anything really changed? 

Flying Blind

Sick, confused and feeling shitty. Not the best ingredients for a happy meal out there. But I'll make do.

Every step forward in shooting comes with great amounts of effort; I'm starting to feel the pain building up in my wrist, the dull ache in the small of my back, and the occasional muscle spasms in my left arm. And yet I persist. It makes me wonder, why do I do so? and I really have no answer.

And of life in general, what am I doing? What do I want? Such simple questions which I cant even begin to answer. 

So many things impinging upon my happy zone, work, shooting, people, miscellaneous stuff, and they really make me question, make me wonder: Is happiness a state of mind, or just a feeling? I've always believed in the former, but these things are making it really hard to do so. These things tug inexorably upon my heartstrings, and no matter how hard I try to divorce them, it's an uphill task.

And we set out with so much conviction,
the flame burning brightly in our eyes.
But the print're barely cold,
the journey's barely begun,
And doubt's clouded our vision,
the flame's reduced to embers,
Is this all we had within us?

It's getting better =D all I've got to do is just relax and focus on my body.

My shooting's been off lately. Just can't get into that correct frame of mind of late, and my actions are getting pretty wild. I think I'm starting to lose my "happy medium" in life, and that just encroaches on me, in a bad way. Can't just leave things at this of course. I'll have to find some way to return to the basics somehow, and firm up those fundamentals. Haix.

It's a lonely road to walk, this road of life. And just when I thought I'd reached my destination, or at least a rest stop, I find that it's nothing but an illusion. The search for understanding goes on. and on and on. Life.

Can't really remember what I did today. Chinese LC went ok I think, then the sports injury forum, which was really nothing much. Fun Fact: Doing static stretches before exercise actually increases your chance of getting an injury. Go figure. Stretching elongates your muscles while exercise gets them to contract. Apparently this is quite bad for them, increases chance of tearing and so on.
Shooting was good I think. My 基本功's a little bad so I couldn't get my elbow position right and my 指向 too. Sigh. 1 change to my action: Coach told me to lift it using my fist directly from the table without using my palm first then shifting to the clenched fist. Helps my consistency, really, though the bending down's more than a little uncomfortable. I want a tripod soon >.<

"There may be a thousand bad things you know about a person, but just one thing you don't know about them may change your opinion totally." -Some saying

It explains my cognitive process perfectly, really. It torments me at times, but I still stand by it.

People change. Circumstances change. We will face losses in life. Accept it. Accept these immutable truths and move on. Life has its ups too. We don't only lose, we also gain. All it takes is a slight change in one's psyche in order to gain a more...uplifting perspective of this existence, so why not give it a shot?

Ok, monologue over. Today's training was ok, though I had to press coach to get him to allow me to train with my arm as it is :/ I really think I'm using a "cheat code" of sorts. No matter how messed up my stuff is, as long as I manage that relaxation of my arm and shoulder, keeping the amount of energy used constant, I don't shoot too badly. I can't leave things at this though. If I wish to enter the dimension of 10s, to reach the very top, I'll have to be more demanding of myself, my actions and my gun. Push on!

Have you ever felt these moments where the face of someone you know momentarily seems completely different? Like a whole other person, really.

Stayed back in school to do my Chem tutorial today, I decided to give my arm a break (not literally of course) and take the chance to do a little of my work. I'll train tomorrow, I swear.

*Doing things with little thought or concern about the consequences. I wonder how it'll turn out? Might be interesting to behold xP*

Heh, I just screwed up my phone in a moment of rashness and impulsiveness. Contacts list is still pretty empty, so any smses with contact details + name would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

It's good in a way to leave behind all those "memories" I had stored in that little phone memory storage. Part of the general direction I suppose.

Yup, stitches. In what has got to be the most epicly fail moment in this short period of time on this planet, my shower door shattered, showering my mum, my brother and myself in a cascade of a thousand glittering shards of death. 
Here's the story:
My bro was bathing when the door fell out, so he called us up to go help him with it. So we did. Turns out it was broken, so in a perhaps misguided bid to fix it, my mum got us to help to hold it up as she tried to put it together. As things would have it, the door is evidently not shatter-proof, nor does it seem like it can withstand a little flexing, cause as we were holding it, without much ado, it promptly shattered. Just like that, I swear. I was looking right at it when it happened. The sides just seemed to cave in as it imploded, the whole surface shattering and hanging there in the air for a moment before crashing down in this magnificent cascade of glittering shards. A waterfall of glass that just brushed past me. I didn't even feel any pain, actually. It was too fast for that. We were just absolutely shocked. Then I saw the blood dripping from my brother's arm. Drip drip drip. Dripping onto the glass bits on the floor, staining them this bloody red colour. It looked just like blood red rubies laying on the toilet floor. That was what struck me the most about that moment, actually. The slow dripping of his blood onto the glass.

Well, after much trouble and panicking on the part of my mother, we finally managed to extricate ourselves from that mess - not easy, believe me - and navigated our way through that minefield of glass laying on the floor. Turns out it was so forceful that pieces even flew across the master bedroom OTL On hindsight, we were really quite lucky we didn't sustain worse injuries, only some minor cuts and one that needed the stitches in the video above.

Now, onto the stitches. I actually told my father: "No way you're coming near me with a needle" but eventually succumbed. It's not bad, since they do do it under local anesthesia and it was administered sub-subcutaneously, thus there wasn't much sensation from the needle being inserted. What did hurt was my skin swelling up as the anesthesia accumulated under it. After that, there was this strange loss of sensation in my left arm, as the anesthesia took effect. I was oddly detached from my arm, and actually stared at my arm as the needle was poked through it, and it hooked the other side of the wound and came out again. Strangely fascinating and alluring. All I could feel was this feeling of something going through my skin, nothing else besides that. It's my first time getting stitches, not to mention in a spot I could stare at so easily, so I guess you can forgive my "obsession"

Yup, that's it.

As for training today, we shot 体会 after dry firing for awhile, and it was pretty crappy since I just couldn't get my 指向 just right, due to the angle of the gun and so on. But despite that, I still manage to do the whole relaxation upon the moment  I 扣扳机  which is probably why I can shoot decently right now. After the 体会, we moved on to 单发, the first time I've done that for rifle. I shot out a 92, which isn't that good IMO, but not too bad a starting point to work from. Well, hopefully my stitches don't impede my training and I can do even better next time!

Eye-opening experiences, and I think I've jumped out of yet another well once again.
I used to think that doctor lawyer architect engineer were about the only career options to choose from, but scholarship day really opened up my eyes to so much more. It has showed me that things don't have to be so rigid, that your uni degree doesn't have to be in anything as specific as those mentioned above. In fact, even if you take a degree in something general like sciences its still possible to go to so many different  agencies to work. Scholarship day has also opened me up to the possibility of working in the public sector. I used to be very close-minded about this, and was quite firm in my belief that I didn't, wouldn't, just couldn't take up a scholarship with a bond at the end of it, felt that it would be stifling, that an 18 year old just had no place making a decision that would change at least the next 8 years or so of his life. Well, now I know that things aren't as rigid as they originally seemed. They're pretty flexible, really. If after working for 2 years or so in XY department you feel that its not suited to you, or you just grow plain bored of working there, it's entirely possible to request to be transferred to another department without having to go through all the hassle of resigning and looking for employment elsewhere. Additionally, I don't think I've ever been the type of guy who's utterly obsessed with money above everything else, though more is always better, of course. I wouldn't mind serving this country in that capacity, and after talking to the people tending all those booths, it seems to me that the working environment is pretty fine, s'long as you're passionate about what you're doing, of course.

A;though I said everything above, and though I'm quite glad that several of my misconceptions regarding work in the public sector have been cleared up, I am aware that things may have been sugar-coated. I mean, its a presentation to potential scholarship applicants for crying out loud. They want as many applicants as possible, and thus would want to present as good an image to them, in order to attract them to their respective departments. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but just keep in mind that they may not have presented the full view of things =)

Went to survey condos at Bukit Timah with Clarissa after that for PW. After having some initial trouble locating the bus stop which was near Marymount (it's not my fault that streetdirectory.com made it look sooo close to Marymount station ok...) and missing our stop, we eventually got to Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. After lunch, and photocopying our surveys, we then immediately got into action. Nah, just kidding. We spent the next 10 mins or so just stapling those freaking surveys together. And at the end, there was one missing sheet, which actually foreshadowed what was to come (I'll talk more about that later)

AFTER that, we took the bus down to Hillview. We finally got there after missing our stop YET again, a very simple yet crucial question occurred to us: "Now what?" Just how could we get in past the security checkpoint at the entrance of the condo? Then a brilliant idea occurred to me *lightbulb!* to just walk past it like nobody's business. It worked, too XD The guard just sat there doing nothing as we walked in. Infiltration complete >.< However, once we were in, we were kinda shocked that we had actually managed it, and were totally at a loss as to what to do. Had we broken the law? Had we just committed a criminal offence? Were we now one of those trespassers who would be persecuted? I had no idea. Though the idea of simply ambushing residents and asking them to assist us in our project was extremely appealing, as I did not intend to get into jail at such a tender age, we eventually decided to roam around randomly looking for the management office. Perhaps THEY could assist us in this little misadventure. Then came the next hurdle in our quest for glory - management only opens for half the day on weekends !@#$@# So...after realizing we'd come all this way, even sneaked our way into this condo just in order to see management, only to have them closed because of this thing which we hadn't even considered, we were pretty eff-ed up, no? After much raging and subsequent deliberation, we decided to just leave a letter we had prepared to them asking for permission to conduct our survey there. Quite predictably, this had to screw up too. Remember that missing sheet of paper? Apparently, it was in Clarissa's yellow file, which she had coincidentally, just co-in-ci-dentally, left at the photocopying shop at Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. This file just happened to contain all her PW stuff, including the letter we had intended to submit. F-M-L. Awesome. They say that true human ingenuity only comes out in troubling times, and so was the case in this time. Faced with these multiple hurdles, with apparently no way to overcome them, we decided to change our plan, and just obtain the mailing address of the management office, so we could send the request letter in to them. We then left the condo, and spent the better part of an hour trekking up and down and around the nature reserve visiting the various condos we had marked out, just in order to obtain their addresses so we could  send letters to them. I can't imagine how ridiculous the whole situation was XD There we were, walking straight up to a condo, and just plain telling the security guards we wanted to write a letter to its management, so could they please give us their address. WHEN WE WERE JUST IN FRONT OF THE THING. GRR. Really retarded >.< We couldn't have planned it any worse, really. Well, all said, the walk was quite enjoyable. The gentle breeze, the cool freshness of the air - except from the exhaust fumes from the cars on the road of course - , the peaceful chirping of the random critters in the area, and the sheer abundance of the greenery, which was really pleasing to the eye. I even spotted this kite/eagle/something standing on a tree, which was pretty cool, at least IMO.

At the end of it, we went back to the shopping centre, retrieved the file from the photocopying shop and just stoned at Mac's for awhile, talking about some retarded stuff before going home. The perfect end to a perfectly retarded yet strangely fun (for me) day.

As you can see, I'm still working on my narrating ability, so cut me some slack here, k?

"Special" training today by coach. Woohoo! It's all good.

It's just not right, for me to be this happy. Is letting go really helpful? Or is the other shoe just waiting till the time is ripe before it drops? I really don't know.

AABBBS I can't say I'm happy, but I'm not too dissatisfied with the way things turned out. Now to push on till next year!

I...will be AWESOME. There's this sense of movement, of progression about training now, and I just love it. It spurs me to give more, to put it more, and actually seeing that effort bear fruit, just further spurs me on. I'll train and train and train, just for this sense of satisfaction, just to be able to get better and better and better. Shaofei and me promised coach today that we wouldn't stop training till the comp next year. And we're gonna train more too ^^

A happier person at 21. Seems pretty achievable to me. Life's good.

I failed econs. boohoohoo. I'll have to work more on it I guess? Lectures are stepping up a notch, so I'd better do more OOC prac if I want to catch up.

Fitness management. 40x bicep exercises on each arm x5 sets. I had to force myself to finish each set, and I also stepped down the weight with each set when I realized I couldn't handle it, but I managed it somehow. The feeling of achievement is really quite fulfilling, and maybe a little addictive too XD

Training today was awesome. Although I'm having some problems with getting my alignment right at the start of each training, it's pretty okay once I get it settled down. And I'm gradually getting more and more familiar with the feeling of my left arm and my right arm being relaxed the moment I fire, and it's getting really comfortable to do so. It's like: Check placing of rifle butt at shoulder, elbow down firmly, settle down, cheek down, enjoy the feeling of stability and of my body being relaxed, move down a little so the sights overlap the target, continue feeling that feeling, and pull the trigger. Follow through. Every training, I feel myself getting better, I see my grouping getting a little smaller, my misfires get a little closer to my main grouping, my action gets more and more consistent, and there's so much more room for improvement! I really can't describe exactly how good that feeling is, and how hooked I am to shooting now.

On a more serious note, I happened to talk to Sarena's mother today. She's gonna be the reserve shooter for the YOG, which is a pretty commendable achievement in and as of itself, but now she's only training 1x per week, and she may stop training soon. Apparently, her mother always wanted her to be the reserve since training as the YOG athlete is gonna be very time-consuming, and she'll have to stay at the Olympic village for 2 weeks in August, right before the prelims. It's completely understandable, and brings me back to the stark reality that shooting is and will remain secondary to academics, no two ways about it. The A's are that important. Well, my decision is to enjoy it as much as I can now, and to shore up as much training as I can, so that even if I have to stop as the A's get ever so closer, I'll be able to pick up where I left off after that. But for now, I'll just relish the time I have, and make the most of it. Let's all do that, yeah? =)

Messed up, too many technical terms for me to handle. *Sighs*

Class outing after that was awesome! "Despicable Me" is a great show, with cute...yellow things and a touching storyline. It's a little cliched, though, but since I'm not a movie critic, that's no reason to not enjoy the show XD Full of laughs, cuteness and a heartwarming change in the "villain" turned hero, it's the perfect family/friends/whatever movie.

After the movie, we spent a retarded amount of time deciding where to eat, and whether getting a take-away from Carl's Junior, thus not getting free-flow drinks was worth it or not >.< Still got dinner there in the end though, haha.

All the random talking, and Monopoly Deal was great. Only downside was getting chased out from our little  cubbyhole under the travellator, and said cubbyhole having a "height-limit" of sorts.

Fun ~

I'm not in the correct frame of mind to pen down my other thoughts, so I'll just leave it at that. 就此停笔 XD

Gahr, giant platter of rice and 烧肉 for lunch :X I'm gonna get fat(ter)

口试 today, wish me luck!

Watching and waiting, watching and waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

But nothing's gonna change, 'less I do something about it.

Be the change.

mooo~

Some people may think you look like a cow but that's fine, yeah? It doesn't matter what other people think, you're still the one for me. Let's do some awesome together!!

On a more serious note, I'm still in the process of getting used to the suit, and according to coach, it also takes awhile to "break it in" cause atm, I still haven't got the perfect place to put my elbow, so my 指向's a little messed up for now. I've got to get it down to make things ALOT more consistent. Also got some problems with the "cheek down" process, since the angle for my neck is a little awkward. I'll have to work on that. I have to focus on 击发时力量保持 cause I find that sometimes my left hand is using some strength to control the gun, which results in it jerking the moment I fire. So during my 准备动作 I have to get the feeling of relaxing both my left arm and right shoulder and make sure this feeling is carried through all the way from cheek-ing down to pulling the trigger to following through.

Alot to work on, which is why I love doing this :P

Let's do it, cow suit!

Verdana, awesome.

The Chris is rotting rotting rotting rotting rotting. Has he rotted yet? Grah I haven't done anything today. rahhr I did absolutely nothing today. i hatehatehate myself but i also know i'll do absolutely nothing about it, so i hate myself even more... Have to get rid of this freaking inertia somehow before i'm gg'ed.

Some things are best left unsaid

Watch it.
Things given easily when they aren't deserved can come back to bite you in the @55.
Choose wisely, make those distinctions clear; before you do something you'll regret

The Game of Pretense.Donning masks, staring at masks, trying to see past masks, guessing at what lies beneath, don't you ever get sick of it? Well I do, thus I throw up the thickest of them all, then maybe the face beneath may never need to see the light of day, face a masked and gloomy world.

I mentioned a routine earlier I think, well I just realized it's pretty impractical and I've never been one for schedules and similar stuff either, so to just list out a simple plan that hopefully, I'll be able to follow.

In the absence of PW, other work and/or some random programs, I'll train everyday except Tuesday and maybe Sunday. (Really impractical plan, but I'll try it out for these 2 weeks and see whether it plays out well)

Weiqi & Gomoku on Tuesday.

Work, random chatting and whatnot can just be slotted in whenever waiting for details is necessary. I don't really care.

It's been a fine day.

My Chem results were singularly unimpressive, though I guess I should be content with them seeing how the rest performed. I'll do better in the promos! It's really amazing how I managed to lose 26% of the marks so easily just like that. Gah.

Contrary to what yi ling said earlier, the suits arrived today!!!! I feel stupid for being so worried about nothing back then XD Mine's white with black patches, which purportedly looks either like a panda or a cow. Not very flattering images D: Looks aside, I'm overjoyed to finally get my own suit and be able to train fully suited. It makes a hell of a difference in terms of stability, grouping and ability to consistently carry out the action. It's just the beginning though. From today's training, I realized the enormity of the task I've set for myself. Once I shot with the suit on, I fully comprehended the "gap" between myself and the "pros" and realize that I'll have to pile up alot more work, alot more effort and alot more juice into training before I can even think about rubbing shoulders with them. I'm not satisfied with today's results; in fact, they don't matter at all hehx. Coach really enlightened me this time. When I asked him: 这个grouping还可以吗？ His reply was: 到你能60发都打到十才算还可以。So that's my final aim, though of course for now, I'll be focusing on the "basics":

*Always ensure that both left and right, top and down 指向 are adjusted correctly. Re-check this every 1/2 an hour as variations in the action might occur.

1. Make sure that lower body is stable
2. Put the shoulder butt against the same spot on my shoulder
3. When elbow down, make sure my arm is firm against my hip and that it is straight
4. Relax my right shoulder and left arm as I settle my upper half down
5. Contact my cheek with the cheek rest, look at the rear sight for awhile as I feel my body's stability
6. Cheek down fully, bringing this sense of stability with me into the shot
7. Move the gun down the short distance to overlap the sights with the target
8. Fire at will. At moment of firing, right shoulder is relaxed, left arm is relaxed - not exerting force
9. Follow through

Follow the whole sequence faithfully, and DON'T rush it. 

My takeaway from today is to do the actions faithfully,  to re-do from the start if there are any mistakes, and that having a suit totally rocks!

I'm going to step on the gas now, and improve improve improve!!!

Dare I say it? ok, I do. This first day of Term 3's been pretty darn good.

"Fitness Management" isn't bad at all as of now. 10 mins on the elliptical machine, abs and arm exercises on a gym ball topped off with reps on a weights machine. Apparently, I can pull 150 kg at max. I have no idea whether I was doing it the right way or not, but still, pretty surprising no? I <3 the elliptical machine; it's so much more comfortable to use than a treadmill especially since there isn't as much impact on your knees, which is a concern with me.

PW seems to be moving now, and our survey and interview questions have been approved! We're gonna try to churn out Chap 1 this week, and get the surveys done next week I guess. Drawing "inspiration" from last year's reports seems to be a pretty good idea now.

Our Civics elective is...*cue trumpets* Interview Skillz *cue dissonance as trumpets crash upon the floor* It's a bunch of contrived *beep* that is sadly enough, applicable in "the real world" Our whole elective involved dictation by the facil as we filled in the blanks. Hopefully, it'll get more interesting down the road (I highly doubt it though)

Weiqi was...fun. The problems I've attempted to solve have been pretty formulaic and thus not too challenging. The only pity is that since I'm always late for it cause of Chinese, almost everyone is involved in their games already and I rarely get the opportunity to play a game. Working on the theory aspect is pretty fun in and of itself, but without playing many full games, there are some gaps in my comprehension of the game and I don't have much experience with game situations. Dunno how I can rectify this but it's k =)
I also feel I'm getting abit closer to our members. Since I joined late, it's been slightly awkward for me all along but that initial awkwardness is starting to disappear, which is a good sign! I think I'll be able to enjoy being in it, though it's a different kind of fun XD

I really think I'm starting to get this "socialising" thing. And I'm going to sound like a loser when I say this but I don't really care now. Just meet people, talk, have fun, say hi when you run into them around school and yeah...don't expect anything meaningful to come out of it, but if it does, hey, it's an added bonus. Rejoice! I'm not too sure how "right" I am about this, so I'm still looking at it, but that's what I have for now.
One thing that bugs me about this is: Looking at it that way, What's sacred? What's special? What is it that makes the bond between certain people unique in such a "superficial" seeming form of interaction? I'm confused. Or perhaps, the answer is simply: Nothing. But that's one answer I will NEVER accept.

P.S. just heard from yiling that the delivery of the suits are postponed to August. I cannot articulate my disappointment, nor would it be seemingly of myself to put down the dark thoughts that entered my head when ruminating upon it. just saying. Looks like I'll have to re-adjust my mindset once again, quite severely, I may add, in order to accommodate training with a half-suit once again. I can only hope that when the suits finally come and I'm able to get up to standard, the difference brought about by the handicap of not having a full suit while the others do will not be so glaringly obvious that I am severely disadvantaged in terms of getting a gun.

Carelessness is the best feeling. But it's not something that can last, nor should it.

I can't remember the last time I was devoid of cares, nothing to worry about, not a single dark cloud marring the beauty of my skies. I yearn for that sometimes, but then again, an overcast sky does have a certain beauty to it, doesn't it?

Had JTS today, nothing much to say about it. We ate at Newyorknewyork -and no, I have no idea how it's supposed to be capitalized- talked about random stuff, with the usual digs at Yulin and his height (or lack thereof) and had fun I guess. ohhh yeah, I saw that monster burger first hand. The Giant Yankee Burger is really just an oversized burger, with a THICK beef patty that's grilled really nicely (it has some crispy bits too!) and some lettuce, tomatoes and sauce. It arrives on a platter with a "bed" of fries and the whole thing looks really innocent and finishable, really. Thing is, as you start digging into that first quarter of the burger, and a while after that as you're almost done with it, and stare at all the fries, you start to realize that it's going to be an impossible task, that you're destined for failure. Luckily, I shared it with Yulin and Yiming instead :P


That's all.

Happiness, that formless illusion, dangling ever so tantalizingly just out of reach. So many chase it, but how many actually understand its true nature?

How much more must be lost, be sacrificed, before we realize that the "happiness" we crave is but an empty shell, hollow and unfulfilling 

Cause we don't obtain happiness, we attain it. A state of being, a state of mind wherein a sense of fulfillment stands at the fore.

alot easier said than done, when we get down to it

Slowly, slowly, slowly, coming to accept the fact that people sometimes don't tell the whole truth; and that they're not obliged to.

Slack. Story of my day told in a single word. Awesome.

Gotta find something to do before the inertia accumulates too much. sianz

Cousins came over to watch a WC semis match. It was totally worth their while! Epic play by Germany but a not so good one on the part of Argentina.

No laughter without tears,
No ups without downs,
No success without failure.

For without a counterpoint to the highs, what would there be to be happy about when we actually get there?

Moving on

Just as ^ says. Though it probably doesn't seem like it, I'm been more or less pre-occupied with the CTs for the past 2 weeks. So it pretty much begs the question: what next?

Do I continue life as I did before the CTs, pretty much just drifting here and there, without any concrete purpose in mind or should I at least attempt to do something meaningful instead? From the biased wording, I guess I'll have to give the latter a shot.

The problem's that without something immediate - like the right-in-your-face - kind of immediate, everything gets vague and hazy. The planning horizon is way too far off so I'm really afraid that I'll just end up doing nothing again.

So, a short list of really general and simple objectives (in no particular order):

1. Train consistently
2. Keep up the momentum of doing work
3. PW
4. Fix my head (The open-heart operation today didn't really help)
5. Enjoy life
6. Get some sort of routine going
7. Fitness

Really let go of myself today after Chinese XD And it was a total waste of time too. Well, it was nice to just do jack after this admittedly stressful week.

But it's time to move on, in all senses of the word.

Who can see the wind? Neither you nor I.

But when the leaves are rustling, the wind is passing by.

Who can see the wind? Neither you nor I,

But when the trees bow down their heads the wind is passing by.

The winds of change are upon us.

Bio was so...unfulfilling. I won't say that I aced it, not by a longshot, but the thing is the questions just didn't seem to "do justice" to the amount of effort put into mugging. It left me feeling cheated and a little like a retard. But if that's how the exam format's gonna be - mostly application questions - then I guess I'd better start getting used to it and study smarter next time.

Today, I had my first taste of sheer and utter opulence at a classmate's house. It's practically a mansion or something. Greek statues set in bronze and assorted vases only added to the resplendence. Words cannot express my awe when I first saw it. It was my first time actually singing karaoke too, though I'm afraid my vocal abilities are sub-par at best. The rest were really nice about it though, so I just kept singing XD

A great day of fun to end off 4 days of hard mugging. I believe I really stretched myself these few days, and the group mugging helped out loads too. I'd like to believe I also firmed up a couple of friendships which have been dangling slightly of late, so that's good too. I know it's a pretty mercenary way to talk about it, but there it is.

This little story's unfolding pretty much like I expected it to, but who knows? Unlike stories, there are no "The End"s in life. It just keeps developing, just keeps growing.

It's not the what, where, when, why and how that matter. It's the "who" that makes a whole world of difference.

Chinese tomorrow. I can't care anymore.

Bio is just awesome. I now think that even if my results are bad, I won't regret taking it. The ever-growing sense of fascination at how the processes and well, everything links together, both at the micro and macro levels as we delve ever deeper into the study of it is something amazing for me. Though the sheer scope scares me as tests approach, and the relevance of the subject never really strikes me, its fun to learn about it, so yup, no regrets.

*Though I guess it'd be pretty interesting to compare my sentiments after I get the results back with my current sentiments. Just one of the perks of putting them down here!

Well, my head's absolutely empty after that nap, quite a rarity these days. Gonna start mugging after a shower to wash the last tendrils of sleep out of my brain.

Blank. Sooo nice.

Second thought after I woke up? I'm screwed. First thought? not gonna say :P

Whiteness. Emptiness. Bio. Let it be so.

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/stories/s2889773.htm

Higher education does not equal happiness. I lol'ed at this, really. Is it a big surprise?

Nothing is final, nothing is definitive, nothing holds true in all cases. Change is the only constant

I was thinking. Idly. And wondering just what is it that I want, and just what kind of person I am. And where has all this introspection gotten me? Absolutely nowhere. Now I realize that perhaps my aim was mistaken. What I was looking for was a single sentence; at most a paragraph, which would neatly encompass everything. I never once stopped to consider the sheer impossibility of that. Thinking about it, though it's kinda embarrassing to admit it, I might kinda have been influenced subtly by the manga I've been reading. No matter how complex the personalities of the characters are, there's more or less this ideology or something central to their actions and motivations. Though I know enough to separate fiction from reality, this perhaps influenced me into thinking that it was necessary to have something as definitive as that as a moral compass of sorts. Being unable to articulate it made me feel lost, and confused about everything

So. Realizing the improbability of coming up with such a statement, and realizing that even if I were able to say something like that, it'd probably not be representative of the whole picture, not to mention the fact that it would be completely useless to do so, I've decided to cease the search. Everything is always in a state of flux. Therefore, I see no reason or logic to further attempts to hold myself to such statements which I've made to myself at the cost of much "suffering".


Well, all that aside, today was pretty fine. I'm confident I did ok for Chem, though the paper was more challenging  than I had expected. Perfectly manageable on all counts though.(Hopefully my marks won't show otherwise hehehe) Woah, we're 2/5 through the CTs already. It flies by so fast such that it makes all the worry about it seem silly. I'm still gonna do my best for the remaining 3 though.

Messed up econs, got my retainers. Hopefully I won't be retained next year (sorry for the bad pun, my heart's just not in it atm) I speak weird now; can't really form some words properly since my tongue keeps hitting that plastic piece. Maybe I'll call it a lisp.

I was suddenly reminded of what my form teacher wrote on my PSLE cert ages ago to encourage me: 一份耕耘, 一份收获
Pretty simple principle, no? But it's pretty much the reason why I'm where I am today. And not in the good sense. I've known since way back then the value of hard work, but due to laziness and perhaps misdirection, I chose not to do it and it resulted in what I have now. Not that I'm completely dissatisfied with myself, but in retrospect, looking at all the wasted opportunities makes me want to give myself a big kick in the behind. Luckily that's physically impossible (im saved...) Jokes aside, here's my official resolve to put in the work, to hopefully, minimize any regrets I may have in the future. I'll do it.

So many things bottled up inside, and I realize once again that I'll have to resolve them myself. It's not a depressing feeling, just one of resignation. I have friends, and I have fun being with them, but these just aren't things I can share. This is probably nothing new to many people, but I don't really care about that fact, so there.

Chem tomorrow. Hope it goes fine.

FINAL WORDS

Thought I'd better do a normal post, so here goes:

The hols've been swell, new discoveries, new activities, I've done things I've never thought I'd ever do and really had alot of fun. Now's the time to face the music. Maybe as my friend's always been telling me, I should have focused on acads and whatnot, but well, I made this choice, so whatever comes, I'll just hafta take it in stride and just do better next time.

Weifeng, sorry, but this won't be the best effort I could've put into this, but then again, when do we ever? The opportunity costs just aren't worth it to me.

So, econs, I'll see you in 12 hours time, and before that meeting, I'll be doing all that I can to arm myself to live through our encounter, so just wait for me, you hear me?

See ya

I don't mind exams. Despite the fact that they're meaningless and that tested content will have little and/or limited use in our future careers, I see why they're necessary and thus bear with them. They're a necessary evil, just like so many other things we bear in this world. But I still don't like studying for them. Sadly I'm not the kind of person who's "enlightened" enough to see through the system and courageously break free of it, so I guess I'll have to continue living within it, working within it, and bearing all the resultant necessary and even unnecessary evils that it's inundated with.

To that end, a slight adjustment in my mindset would seem appropriate. Here goes: Studying for tests is laying the foundations for my future. It is only by studying hard that I'll be able to get into a good uni, which will get me a good career path and a good life. Thus studying should be my topmost priority and take precedence over all that I love and enjoy to do.

Blah. I don't normally believe in self-deception but if you can actually convince yourself that it's true, and it does make life easier for yourself, then why not, right? The crucial part lies in actually convincing yourself, though.

Till the lie becomes reality -Eyeshield 21

Cause you've turned my world upside-down. What's up, down, left or right? I don't know anymore.