I somehow feel like a thief in the night, sitting in the dark in my bedroom to catch my share of early morning football.

Anyway, I'll be off to Malacca in abit, so don't call me! I promise I'll do up a proper post when I get back, just in time for the New Year reflections kinda spirit :)

The good thing about life is that it's just the right length: It's long enough for you to swallow your regrets yet not so long that you shouldn't treasure every moment of it.

Life, nothing more, nothing less

Sometimes there's this feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me. It's nothing specifically rooted in the present, but rather a deadening awareness that whatever I do my life will be consumed by something quite indescribable. Say for example I could be sitting in the car with my mum, not exactly the best mood going on, awkward-ish conversation, and I wonder whether that's where life will lead me, going to work, coming back, stressing over making a living, to support kids who honestly care more about their own lives (which I'd no doubt be part of, but not a super major one), their own concerns; some of which they really won't be able to share with me. An adult life that mainly revolves around the familial unit rather than around the individual, and yet one permeated with a distinctly individual melancholy which simply can't be shared.

Perhaps it's simply my youth speaking and hopefully my perspective will change with time, when I get to experience the joy of parenthood perhaps, or maybe it's all about striking a balance, such that the self doesn't get subsumed in the whole, or maybe I'm just thinking selfishly, but that's what crosses my mind sometimes, and the sense of futility and despair that accompanies it. Is that all there's gonna be to life?

And yet it was a pretty good weekend. Out camp run at Bishan Park on Friday (verynice place after being revamped) which coincided with my L2 seniors' ORD - we spent the previous night making cards for them - and played street soccer afterwards till we got totally shagged out in the mid-afternoon sun, then was about to go home when I got a call from my mum for an impromptu lunch at J8. I happened to meet a junior I used to be quite close to who was flying back to China on Sunday, managed to chat a bit with her before lunch, which was nice. I had to return to camp that night, supposedly to help unload the tanks and bridges coming back from Wallaby but things were held up at the port so we just changed out of our servicings and headed home without getting anything done...Gedong is freaking ulu; luckily I got a ride home from my CSM, so though it was quite suay, it wasn't too bad. Also got to talk to an old sectionmate who was on duty as Alpha's COS for an hour or so; an upside to coming in 2 hrs early I guess? Friday, a day for unexpected reunions maybe hahah.

Saturday; I somehow got to HTHT-ing with my brother while hiding away from my cousin's uni friends who came over for his birthday celebration (damn anti-social hahah) and realized that we think pretty similarly in a pretty screwed up kinda way, result of upbringing probably, but it's cool to have one more person to occasionally talk to, now that we're no longer fighting so much like we used to xP

And today I finally managed to keep my promise to take my sis out for a movie at Nex, Pitch Perfect, which was good, then walked around a little, paid Sandra a visit at Yoguru, it felt a bit like taking advantage of her to get a discount and more yogurt but apparently it's a staff discount and she didn't mind so no prob I guess. Picked up my other sis from the airport; back from Paris, where she spent loads, and had a family dinner before bookin back in. Bookins are so freaking unwelcome nowadays, it's like I'm literally being ripped away from my family to come back to this place to serve, but I guess that just means I should treasure my weekends so much more. I'm becoming quite adept at compartmentalizing methinks, what happens in camp stays in camp, and I won't let it affect my mood over the weekend. And with my seniors' ORD-ing the mental countdown begins.

So that's it I guess. Life, that is. Nothing great, but not too bad either. Maybe instead of focussing on how dreary or whatever the big picture is, I should enjoy these little moments of serendipity whenever I encounter them, eh? And seriously, when you can talk bout how to control your farts so that the noise is diffused while in the car with your family, what's there to hate?

I would risk myself for you; but only if I were absolutely certain that nobody else was willing/able to do the same, and extremely reluctantly at that. A selfish little caveat, I must say, it won't be proven unless the situation arises, so till then you may treat it as abashed self-justification to make it easier to live with myself.

There's a certain tipping point I guess, beyond which the helping hand is not extended as freely and casually as it was before. It varies from person to person, of course, with some giving and giving, apparently with no thought for themselves, and others simply unwilling to offer without any benefits in it for them. I lie somewhere in between, obviously, and as time passes and I encounter various situations, most notably in the Army, I'm gradually starting to make out where that point lies for me, with close friends, friends, section/platoon mates, or simply Coy mates. It's important, though not the most savorable of tasks to make that distinction. How far out of your way would you go to help out a "mere" casual acquaintance?

Or should I continue to feel bad bout not helping one at a pretty great personal expense.

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Anyhow, it was an enjoyable weekend, I volunteered at IMH again on Sat, then met up with Mos and Merv to walk around Orchard Central before settling on dinner at Marche@313. The moment you step in you're assaulted by a barrage of smells, saliva-inducing visions of chicken being flame-roasted on spits, fried calamari, hugeass sausages, Rösti and so many other such offerings demanding that you get them right NOW. And it's so simple too; just scan the card and walk away with the spoils, hassle-free, and you don't really realize how much you've spent till you go to the cashier when you leave, and by then, it's too late xP The Rösti was very worth it though, I think I'm in love. Just look at it... I've dreamt up a particular design for a homemade potato shredder which should work, so maybe I'll get down to it someday. Till then...I'll continue dreaming hahaha. The sour cream goes very well with it, and it has just the right amount of crispiness from the frying mmmmm. The cream of mushroom is also damn good, very rich and I'd say quite worth it. We also shared some Kalamari Rings (also worth it) and half a chicken (not so much). Quite filling, and not the bloated kind too; it leaves you very satisfied and possibly a little eager for more.

Sunday we went shopping for my bro's grad night blazer; spent a couple of hours at H&M, and I looked around a little too, trying on stuff for once, but didn't really find anything satisfactory. Damn big difference from our grad night last year where I simply borrowed my uncle's suit; not that I'm (overly) jealous of course!

The ORD function ironically organized by the ORD-ing crew for us meant I didn't have to book-in Sunday night and we met up at Bayfront MRT Monday morning for the day's activities at GBGB instead. Not the most well-planned but a pretty good effort, and I got to explore the place a little more, which I'm thankful for. I'm determined to pay to enter the domes the next time I visit; they look interesting! The event culminated in kite flying at the Barrage, which was exhilarating, especially given the strong wind, good atmospheric conditions. I'm deffo going to do it again sometime. Pizza afterwards and that was it. I'm certainly envious of the ORD crew but my time will come eventually (there's less than 365 days till then!) so I'll try not to think too much about it and take things a step at a time, I've still yet to resolve this horrendous mess, which crouches just barely out of sight atm, just waiting to pounce.

That's it. Some friends are going through tough times recently, and I guess it'd be too cliched to say: "Tough times don't last, but tough men do". Nothing I can say/do will help, really, but I just hope that though the pain is undeniable, that they can stave off feelings of helplessness and despondence and remain strong through this and do what needs to be done. It's no fairy tale, there's no guaranteed happy ending, but you've got to go on nonetheless, yeah? All the best :)

All In Good Time

I guess there's much to be said about resilience; but there's something damn screwed up when you realize that we've inadvertently become a society which sucker punches you so hard when you're down that it's so much harder to get up again. It's disgusting to think about how so much work could be unravelled by a single moment of carelessness/indiscretion.

I blame myself, though. Should I expect any leniency?

Anyways I spent much of the day sleeping, somehow became unwell over the night, but it was a good weekend to cap off a horrible week nonetheless, and it helped me to take my mind off things. Met up with the guys on Sat after so long, though it took a little effort to coordinate the thing. Jack is damn epic, seriously: "Apparently I 'm having an appointment" hahaha. Dinner at Cityhall was pretty decent, and photobooth on Angie's MacBook was pretty interesting as well. It's a genius idea to turn what practically every laptop has (a webcam) into such a fun device with all the filters, transformations and so on with a seamless interface. Makes you wonder why Windows has so much trouble doing the same.

All In Good Time was a pretty cool movie, just the right length without being draggy; I'm not going to bother summarizing it here. Lot's of laughs, and it dealt with a lot of issues that may crop up in a marriage pretty believably as well.

Favorite line:
(When the bride and her mum were talking about sexual naïveté or something on her wedding night)

"Where do you think the karma sutra came from?"

"That's for export only, we never did it"

As an added bonus imagine it delivered with the stereotypical Indian accent xP

Black Wednesday...hopefully I'll be allowed to defer what transpired then with minimal consequences. Really a messed up day T.T

The sweet pitter-patter of raindrops outside the window is such an enjoyable thing in these early in camp mornings. Yesterday was surprisingly uneventful, despite it being Kyan's birthday. Waited at home for her to get back from piano but my mum ended up taking her out instead, and we had a mini-celebration for her much later that night, right before I left for camp.

Sat was a little more interesting though. I met an insurance agent for the first time; somehow I have this intrinsic distrust of people asking me for money, though it'll eventually end up back with me once more. It defies rationality really, I know that I won't have much use for whatever minimal amount I'd put in monthly but I'm still unwilling to give it up xP I'm still thinking on it though :) After that was helping out at IMH once more, quite funny cause the moment I stepped into the volunteer lounge they looked at me and said "Santa Claus", so apparently I've volunteered to dress up as the jolly old dude for their Christmas celebrations in Dec. We'll see how that goes :)

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It's possible to spin things so many ways, so many different perspectives, that it's a matter of attitude and outlook. But I'm gradually realizing that it's not always possible to rationalize things away, sometimes it's simply how you feel in the moment and so on that affect how you perceive life's narrative. I guess the important thing is to attempt not to let my mood control me; I mean going with the flow is good and all, but when things are going southwards, there's got to be a limit somewhere, yeah?

Study Break

It's been a great 4 days. Alot of time to chill, relax and unwind, studying aside, and the previous week in camp wasn't bad at all either!

Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up by pent-up emotions, and get so carried away by events, trapped in the moment, that you simply lose a clear perspective of things. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that guys go through mood swings too ><

I guess I'm a pretty unambitious guy *gasp* and I'm perfectly contented with just spending time with my loved ones, and...well...the extra time I've spent at home has led me to realize once again what I'm missing out on whilst serving NS. I hate the feeling of counting down to an impending book-in, of having to rush the weekly Sunday ritual, of not having the time to make awkward-ish conversation with my Aunt & Uncle when they come over at night. It's a very disrupted pace of life.

So I'll enjoy my book-outs, however transient, and look forward to the occasional long weekends as well; I've already planned out how I'll spend my outstanding leave - pretty much like how a working adult would, now that I think about it - which I'll be taking in the days following Christmas and leading up to the New Year, and there may be a few offs as well, depending on how Ex Hercules 2 goes, so that's that. I'll try to make the most of my time in camp though, especially after getting this pesky BMAT out of the way, maybe become a more proficient L2 operator, work on my fitness (how could my timing drop by so much 囧) read up on some things of interest, work on my Foosball, and perhaps most importantly, working on my HR skills, which have shown some glaring deficiencies of late; so let's see how that goes.

Robin Van Suarez (Y)

The kind of thing that makes you feel freaking fortunate to have seen "live".

Nothing at all

Well, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment. It's not everyday that someone tells you that they have a problem with your character, namely inflexibility. Apparently it's problematic for them that I want to give my best in everything I do, and they brand me as being inflexible when I'm unwilling to comply. Note that I don't attempt to force my standards upon them, I've long since given up on that. So I go about it myself, quietly; that's my compromise, and yet even that's not enough for them, it's pressurizing when I do things up to my own standards, when I'm simply doing what I think is right. That's the first time I've encountered such a thing in my whole freaking life, tbh, and I'm not very happy about it. I'm not someone with a very well-defined moral code or anything like that, but all along I've done things by doing what feels right to me, and it's very jarring to hear bout this kinda thing.

  And I'm growing increasingly frustrated everyday; it feels like nobody even hears what I have to say at all, especially when it's something they don't want to hear. It's fine for them to approach me for this or that, and I'm glad to help, but they really aren't willing to accord me the same respect when I do the same. I'm very tired and put off by all this, of consistently having to play along to others' tempo while constantly restraining myself, keeping myself from doing what I want to do.

I just find it so hard to smile, when I'm not allowed to be myself.

I realize that there are people who think differently from the way I do, and never thought that I had much difficulty getting along with such people. I always thought I was tolerant but apparently that's not going to be enough. I can do my best to accept and accommodate, but when they can't do the same, can't accept me for who I am, then there's nothing I can do.

I could be angry, or I could be sad, but currently I feel nothing at all. Just this quiet resignation. I always wanted to not let anything get me down, but I'm not big enough to resist when the weight of the world comes crushing in.

There's alot to be said about self-control, EQ and what not and what I realized this week is that I have to stop letting my mood govern the way I act and react to things. When I'm angry I don't exactly let my rational side get away from me, but what happens is that it becomes twisted, magnifying perceived faults and doing its darnnest best to justify my anger, causing things to spiral out of control into a self-righteous rage. And I'll more often than not say something I regret upon cooling down.

Something I've tried is a kind of self-imposed exile, keeping quiet/to myself when I recognize that I'm heading in that direction to avoid any possible escalation, but that's just avoiding the problem temporarily. I don't profess to have all the answers, but maybe that's what I'll have to work on in the coming weeks, months and years.

The time in the army has changed me significantly, that's for sure, and I still feel quite awkward with myself, sort of like growing into a new me. One thing I do know is that I don't really feel at ease where I am right now, with the people around me. It's those convos that I can't comfortably participate in, opinions that I express, yet feel like no one's listening, questions that I ask, only to be received with awkward silences, the times when they make playful jabs at my expense and yet when I try to "reciprocate" I get shot down instead. Maybe I don't have enough ego, that ability to do my own thing without overly caring about how others respond, and when I do try to compensate, I overcompensate instead, and it just ends up being weird. Maybe I think too much, I over-analyze, and this keeps me out of things. The jury's still out, but I know things can't carry on this way; I'm falling to pieces as it is.

And I realize that I have yet to find closure, what with the way things ended, though ironically there was arguably nothing to start with. I'm a wreck.

Anyways, bookouts now are pretty much the same as ever, sans the sense of anticipation of what could be which I used to feel each time I stepped onto the MRT. Utterly unrealistic, I know, but that's just the way my mind functions. I'll move on, in good time, but move on to what seems to be the more important question. As for now, I simply need to focus and get this annoyance out of the way.

Had an outing with Amos and Merv again yesterday. There's a pretty good pizza place, Manhattan Pizza or something over at Orchard Central (was it?). We shared a pizza, pretty worth it imo, then caught Celeste And Jesse Forever at Orchard Cineleisure. Nice little movie about best friends who are separated (as in that thing preceding a divorce) and yet continue to hang out together, and how they move on in life. I'd probably watch it again haha, can totally see why Mos is a sucker for these types of shows. After that was a walk along Orchard. It's so freaking bright! Haha and I think I can get a little high when given the chance to express myself.

Paying more for handmade goods = A form of sadism indeed!

Just think about it, assuming 2 somethings - I don't really care what - appear pretty much identical, and of similar quality, the only difference being one was machine-made while the other was painstakingly made, maybe by some elderly man in the mountain, the last scion of a dying craft (I love my melodrama); branding aside, which would you buy? Which would you be willing to pay more for? Forgive me for hazarding a guess but I'm pretty sure most would say the latter. Or even better, give someone 2 identical somethings but tell them that one's machine made while the other is handmade, they'd probably choose the second once again. Why? Is is simply because we automatically assume that something is of better quality simply because more human attention has been paid to it? Does it give us a nice fuzzy feeling inside when we think about the chair we sit in, or the clothes we wear, or the rugs we tread upon being painstakingly and lovingly carved out/stitched/whatever over hours and hours? Or maybe it's some kind of perverse sadism; we simply love the idea that hours of blood, sweat and tears have been invested as some complete stranger toiled over the thing that we're so casually sitting in/wearing/stepping on.

Or maybe it just makes you feel special. In a world where it's all too easy to feel yourself drowning in anonymity, where anything you feel adept in, undoubtedly proud of, someone else can definitely do better, maybe wearing something that someone out there dedicated themselves exclusively to makes you feel all that more unique. Who am I to judge.

I realize that I'm selfish, I crave exclusivity. I don't mind sharing what I have with others, but I want it to be clear that it belongs to me. I guess I feel the same about relationships as well, which perhaps is why I'm so plagued by that emptiness. It's immature, I know, but it's something I can't help as well.

Ex. Hercules 1 Plus

I went out for my first exercise with Alvin just last week, wasn't supposed to be the one going but Aaron happened to sprain his ankle quite badly so I replaced him instead. We went into it blind, having been "briefed" that it would be a simple one day affair, no need to draw weapons, forceprep our fieldpacks or anything like that; apparently we just needed to be there with our L2, chopchop go out, come back and that was it. We had no rations, didn't know the order of move, signal set frequency etc, totally unprepared. Things gradually worked out, though, as I managed to link up with our temporary PC, but it was kinda nightmarish, as we drove along with the convoy, or stoned in the tank when we halted, often for long stretches of time, watching night inexorably fall, and with it all hope of returning to camp that night completely extinguished.

What followed were a couple of firsts. Our first proper night launch, where as V.Comm I had to do a proper bridge site recce along with the PC and a security party, examining the far bank with his NVD, eventually picking a spot that turned out to be quite inappropriate...and my first time guiding vehicles across the bridge at night, from 9/10 all the way till 12 midnight. It's freaking stressful and tiring as well, I pretty much lost count of how many vehicles I guided over that night, straining to see in the darkness, where I could only make out faint silhouettes, making it completely impossible to align them properly to the bridge. Being blinded by the BO lights, the torchlights of the supervisors on the near bank and the occasional flashes from the retard who kept on taking pictures didn't help much either. Must have been a pretty perilous experience for the drivers haha.. There was some mixup in instructions after that was done, and I kept on having to guide my L2 from the side where we were parked into a position to retrieve the bridge, only to be instructed to guide it back again. Parallel parking ftw. I was chastised by some Captain after that for my choice of launch site, then finally got to retrieve the bridge after 4 hours of waiting, after which we rejoined the convoy to Charlie Mike.

Blah blah blah, I just realized that maybe I shouldn't be posting so much about it, suffice to say we drove around, halted for long stretches of time, had to constantly monitor our fuel gauge, which was dropping to dangerous levels; we were in constant fear that we wouldn't be able to make it back to camp if the exercise carried on any longer, as it threatened to do so when we went into hasty deployment at some large clearing. I was freaking starving by then, had conked out idk how many times in the tank during the many halts while waiting for the next instruction. At that point we were miserably contemplating having to perform our camouflage drill - just the two of us - in pitch darkness in the middle of the night. Luckily however, when the OC gathered everyone for a briefing, he basically said that they were just screwing with us, and that we'd be returning to camp that night.

So, it was a tiring, but also a positive experience I guess, in showing how our MEC fits in military exercises, and I also got to see how our military operates on the ground. Although the organisation itself is ponderous in nature, with so many inefficiencies so glaringly visible, it's also obvious that our soldiers aren't just for show. Our commanders have a pretty decent situational appraisal ability, and the men are competent in carrying out their instructions as well. It was pretty cool to listen in on their signal transmissions as well, hearing the signallers and commanders use militaryspeak, what punch through Malcom axis, link up idk what, concentrate forces along somewhere XD

Went out with Amos, Angie and Merv yesterday, caught Ted, had a good chat, played L4D2 and capped it off with Double Down Chicken at Astons. It was a pretty good day. It feels so different somehow, carelessly talking to a couple of close friends, freely talking about whatever I feel like talking about, reminiscing. Thanks! And it's these kind of moments that I recollect ruefully as I lie, alone in bed at night in camp, moments few and far between in the hustle and bustle of life and amidst a sea of uncomprehending faces, moments that I treasure all the more because of that. Pull me back when I'm sick and tired, stay by my side when I'm being all too callous, you have my thanks, and I'll be sure to return the favour.

No Time for 'Next Time's

Anyway, it's time to sleep. There's admittedly not much to look forward to for the next year and a half, no overwhelmingly huge milestones, just the same schedule pretty much every week, so there's tedium right there. Perhaps I'll try zooming in a little, try to recapture some joy and purpose in day to day life, and see if I shan't find some measure of success there.

I always find it hard to maintain my motivation for long periods of time; it's not that I don't see the huge, over-arching picture, it's just that as a whole, it doesn't really appeal to me much in the short-term at all, and I sometimes find it hard to directly relate what I'm doing, here & now with what doing so should get me sometime in the future. Is something wrong with me?

It's always possible to do practically anything next time, cause that means we don't have to do it now. Though the future is undeniably chock-full of potential, there are some things which shouldn't be put off till later, cause otherwise there's never going to be a good time for them. I'm honestly quite sick of the term "there's always next time", makes me feel a little uneasy whenever I find myself using it, to me it rings too strongly of hollowness and unfulfilled promises. Perhaps I'd find myself better served by simply moving on, moving on, moving on.

Release the Kraken

Been wanting to post for awhile, but I've been delayed by procrastination, and also after coming down with a bout of flu the past 2 days, may have something to do with the air once again, as well as the week's *ahem* exertions.

I'm pretty sure I've never been as freaking exuberant as during that single moment when we marched off the parade square, having received my chevrons from my mum. As we marched off, a reminder from Warrant Brydon to "behave ourselves until we made the turn", and to "release the kraken" Davy Jones style right after that. After rounding the corner, pretty much all of us started to run like mad, charging down the slope, guns waving wildly, shouting at the top of our voices, all the rigidly controlled energy from 3 full, tiring days of formal parade rehearsals released in that one awesome instant. I'll forget it in the future, no doubt, but not easily, that's for sure. Then we formed up for re-entry, quivering with excitement, singing the song with (a little too much) gusto, performing the roar, and that was it. We milled around endlessly on the brightly-lit parade square, taking tons of group photos under the glare of the floodlights, exchanging countless high-fives, fist bumps, and hugs, with the closer friends, calling each other "Sergeant", over and over again, the word still fresh on our tongues; giddy with exhilaration.

It ended after that, pretty much. And that's it, isn't it? Very often we spent so much of our time working our butts off, for something that lasts only minutes, or slightly longer, if we're lucky. And maybe that's the way things should be. Sometimes there's this mindset of over-entitlement, like putting in something should always yield proportionate results, but thinking that way can never be realistic. Maybe it's precisely because so much effort yields so, so little, that makes the little that we get magical and miraculous, something to be cherished and treasured. Idk, really.

Anyways, lots more responsibilities now that I'm a specialist rather than a trainee, and I'll make sure to discharge them to the best of my ability.

8 months into NS is not the best time to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It's just this general feeling of helplessness that's engulfed me over the months, a small nagging voice that tells me that I've got no control over my own fate. I need to find the strength in Invictus, and I can only hope that things will change for the better in the coming months.

Anyways, had a pretty busy weekend, spent more than a couple of hours at the Botanic Gardens, pictures over at my shiny new Tumblr, I just hate how Blogger connives to mangle any pictures I upload, so that's where I'll put stuff not quite unworthy enough to be posted on FB xP

Now, it's off to Pasir Lebar for the last week of CAT term.

Okay, I'm finally done replying most of the birthday wishes on FB (not that I found them a chore, quite the opposite, really) and also done with Kiwi-ing my boots for the end-of-course ceremony tomorrow (done in record time too, it's quite simple with my little trick) so I've got a little time to play around with till it's time to go to sleep.

I feel quite fortunate that we get to stay out, both tonight and tomorrow, as you really get to do so much more with your time. It's also a great way to chill, after today's tedium.

Last week was physically taxing, what with having to clear the path leading into D801 of more than a year's worth of accumulated mud/sand/dust/general debris, shoveling and scraping for around a day and a half under a pretty merciless sun, and while breathing hazy air. Follow that up with daily runs, PT and sports and games thrown in for good measure and we were understandably pretty shag by the end of the week. I've played more soccer over the past few weeks than I have in my entire life, which is quite pathetic, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I'm horrible, and almost exclusively right-footed, which is to say I can sortta pass and shoot with it, and do next to nothing with my left >< It's fun though, and I enjoy those nightly King of the Court matches we have at 38 SCE. On Friday, we gathered our belongings and transferred them to the adjacent MEC block, marking the end of our course at ETI. There was still a lot of stuff to bring out, though, and I almost died (hyperbole!) lugging my backpack, assault pack and handcarrying my parade boots all the way to the guardhouse, with a detour to the emart to purchase a new rank and a couple of badges.

To say I was disappointed after last week's announcement would be a major understatement, but I was more or less anticipating it, to be honest, and was braced for it. I guess I can deal with it; no disappointment is too large that I can't get over it with a couple of night's sleep and much self-dialogue; though I'd have to admit the wound was ripped open once again during today's ceremony. Oh well, I'm 100% sure that when I look back on this a few years down the road, this little thing would be the least of my worries. And at least now I can relax, but this behind me and focus on what I have to do.

Now, all that's left is to let the warm darkness of slumber embrace me, Nights~

I realize now the importance of having people around you who get you, or if they don't at least endeavor to do so. There's this particular void in my life right now, where I find myself bereft of meaningful, enjoyable interactions, where I can just carelessly be myself without fear of being made fun of or summarily judged, or at the very least, having to endure moments of awkwardness. So thank you, friends, cause it's only without you guys that I realize how much you enabled me, in so many different ways. And now it feels at times like I walk a lonely road, no matter how many people I have trudging alongside me. I crave understanding, recognition and respect, and without it, I feel like I'm slowly losing myself in the crowd.

Am I special? Am I unique? Am I actually worth something? I guess no matter how much one may natter on about intrinsic worth and so on, external validation is equally important; a buttress that keeps the house of cards from caving in. I don't want to care, yet I ultimately do, which is a freaking messed up situation.

Anyways, this chapter of Gantz is pure win, go take a look.

Something should be said, I guess. The weekend passed, very quickly. I only wish I had more time to spend curled up on the coach, cradling and devouring a book at my own pace, but alas such luxuries are few and far between. Saturday I helped out at the range at my coach's behest, which I would have felt bad denying. Spent a couple of hours there, had lunch, met Amos, went over to Nex with him, chatting along the way, about things I haven't let my brain dwell upon for oh-so-long, it was quite satisfying; a release, in so many ways. Let him to his welfare farewell, while I had dinner with Merv and Jack, and Amos joined us after he was done. Another farewell, there, with Jack sailing off with the navy in a few days time. Seems like everyone's taking their leave, in one way or another. People going off to school, if they haven't already, and even set awash by the currents of life; I can't help but wonder when, if ever, we'll get back together again.

As for me? I'm left with the not-quite entertaining prospect of the next one and a half years in MEC, which I'll probably be talking about in the not-so-distant future, so I'll leave that till later. I've had to endure so much frustration the past few weeks, I really hate it when people judge and pigeon hole, saying "oh, he's always like that", and no matter how hard I try to break perceptions, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes. Guess that goes for other things as well. It's frustrating. I want to lead, I want to be assertive. I know that I have ideas, and I want to communicate them to others, in the best way possible. Yet to get shot down by people saying "you think too much" or to simple not have the crux of the idea get across effectively, then one other guy coming along, repeating the exact same thing, only a little more forcefully, replacing my "we" with his "I", and the rest then going along with it. Why? Are my attempts at inclusiveness, at fostering discussion and so on, only ultimately self-defeating? Should I not bother at all? Or is that to be my lot in life? Someone trying, struggling, really, to transform himself, yet seeing his efforts ultimately futile, always futile. And I can't help but think plaintively, and a little pathetically, "Why don't things go my way for once?" But I guess I have to realize, and have been forced to realize the reality. That the world at large doesn't really care about the fate of individuals, there's no narrative where events will suddenly swing in my favour, the world doesn't owe me anything, nor do I have any great entitlement. Yes, I may work hard, but sadly, that doesn't entitle me to get what I wish for, such is the way of life. JTB, LL, Suck thumb.

Yet maybe it's when you lower your expectations that you can really have something to hope for, so we'll see how things pan out, eh? I should just cut out the whining and go to sleep. The week awaits.

So maybe I've had a little too much to drink at Yifan's birthday celebration. Vodka is freaking awesome. Initially left a warm burning sensation down my throat, but subsequent cups downed with ice left a refreshingly cool yet warm buzz all over :D (I just might be a happy drunk; there's still hope!) Had a pretty good time there too, and I'm horribly impressed by how hospitable he was, cooking some awesome Chinese food himself and in general the way he handled the whole thing. I really enjoyed the opportunity to catch up with some old friends as well. Always good to hear things from a different perspective; a fresh breath of air and all that.

Ah nevermind, there's nothing much to say, really. It's saddening, this dearth of meaning. Kinda makes me want to do something, anything, for an infusion into my life. In fact, I'm probably checking into IMH next Sat, which isn't as bad as I'm intentionally making it sound, of course, and I'll have to get myself up to speed with regards to uni apps and all that nonsense. It's horrible having to deal with these things at the very moment when I find myself bereft of motivation, a little depressed, maybe, and having to deal with the last few weeks of life as a specialist cadet. Life in camp is really routine, can be a little frustrating, and is ultimately consuming. It doesn't allow much time for distraction, and demands much of the attention and energy I have to give, precluding extraneous thoughts and leaving me not much spirit at the end of the week, or even at the end of a day at work, during my rest hours to focus towards the more "significant" endeavors. My brain refuses to work properly, which doesn't exactly help either :/

Guess I can no longer wait for life to "move on", bogged down as it is by this mess that is NS. Instead, I've gotta take the initiative and make things happen, not simply allow them to happen to me, eh?

I've come to realize that time and awkwardness do nothing to come between an earnest and sincere relationship (most generic term possible). If you genuinely want me to be/remain part of your life, and make it possible, that's where I'll be. And I'll make room for you as well. Pretty simple, when laid out like that. I want to put in the effort to do so, and not let people who I really enjoyed spending time with become mere "corridor friends" inhabiting the halls of memory.

In lieu of an actual post, here's some filming I did today:

Each weekend, I'm always shocked at how fast time slides by, or rather how I let it slide by, simply whiling the hours away, one after the other. And now begins the inexorable countdown once again. Pretty soon, I'll be done with my SCT stint, and life will carry on as a sergeant, all the way till ORD. A pretty sobering thought..

And the familial insanity continues...

I was playing a little friendly catching with my little sister when she ran and wrapped the day curtain in my room around herself, "hiding".

"Invisibility Cloak!" I called out, grinning as I walked closer.

And then she unwrapped herself and kicked me in the groin. I fell to the bed. She was understandably apologetic, and ran to get me a bunch of ice wrapped in a double layer of tissue paper for it; I couldn't stop laughing, despite the pain. 

Chemical-Induced Madness

Urgh that was a depressing performance, and I just got chased out of my room by a bunch of mosquitoes. Hopefully the parting salvo of repellant will do the job and I'll have a bed for the night.

Oh and I may be depressed, perhaps due to this medicine I'm taking for my acne, which still persistently refuses to go away, and may actually be getting worse, in no small part due to the dust, grease and dirt I face everyday. It was a weird moment, as I sat there in the bunk, finding myself getting frustrated and pissed, more than I usually do at the usual playful jabs and at other more serious incidents which I would normally have approached more calmly. It took some self-control to collect myself and give myself the metaphorical long, hard look. Was it simply a bout of foul mood that I was experiencing, or was it something more? Was the paranoia and constantly suspecting my bunkmate's motives - there'd been a theft of $100 earlier this week, not my money - while thinking that everyone was out to get me my usual cynicism at work or something else? The period happened to coincide perfectly with the time I had started to increase my dosage, and as I leafed through the potential side-effects of the drug, I found the psychological effects pretty striking. So, was that it? I don't like the idea of blaming such things on external factors, and I'd taken it before without experiencing something similar, but I don't think I was behaving and thinking like myself, and having pretty frequent headaches as well. It was pretty damning. And isn't it scary? You believe in self-determination, in having control over your own thoughts and actions, yet are forced to realize that they can be influenced by the smallest of things, perhaps a miniscule amount of chemicals flowing through your blood. It's frightening to think how little control one may have over himself. There are so many things that affect a person, genetics, the way neurons in his brain are linked to one another, the expression of certain genes resulting in the production of certain chemicals by the cells in his body which determine the way in which he reacts to his environment. There's certainly alot more factors to it, but I can't help but pose the question: Are our thoughts and actions really our own, or are we simply being driven to a forgone conclusion?

Anyways, I shall work at a more conscious level of self-control, and perhaps attempt to halt myself when I find myself on that all-too-familiar downward spiral of thoughts and emotions. Sitting at home myself for much of the day, just chilling has been a great help, I think :)

Somedays I wake up, a crazy idea at the foremost portion of my thoughts, just waiting to burst out, and sometimes it does. Yet other times I give pause to that reckless part of myself and allow the day to pass me by, stamping that moment of craziness surely and steadily into the ground. Who's to say whether that's for better or for worse, eh?

So it's passed, in pretty lackluster fashion. Can't really believe I've blown away the 4 day long weekend just like that; I somehow thought it'd be more...fulfilling? (Sorry Amos xP)  Instead I've been feeling myself getting lazier and more sluggish as the days passed, so I'm actually kinda looking forward to booking in, and dragging my sorry ass to actually do something; besides the usual book-in dread of course, as I count down the hours to when I have to leave my comfy home to make the weekly pilgrimage to Resort Gedong.

Well anyway, for memory's sake, here's a brief recount of the weekend's (ahem) exploits:

Caught Total Recall with Amos on Friday at Nex. I think I've mentioned in passing the little obstacle course I pass through each time I want to take the bus to Serangoon MRT from my house, but now here's a couple of pictures to serve as elaboration.

 

First, some corrugated metal sheet at the end of the alley that I have to squeeze past...

 Followed by this second one which I climb over the railings and crab-walk along the edge of the longkang to overcome, before crossing the road to reach the bus stop opposite. It's fun, in a childishly idiotic way.

Total Recall is one of those action-packed movies based upon a pretty engaging premise, almost Inception-level but not quite. A healthy dose of mindfucking thrown in for good measure, and quite a bit of food for thought as well. I think the key difference between what Rekall (a corporation in the movie which claims to be able to give customers memories they never actually experienced) offers and what happens in the Matrix is in perception. In the Matrix, captives (?) experience realtime sensory input, which merely bypasses the sensory organs to simulate the actual occurrence of events, in real time, while what Rekall does is 'play with the chemicals' in the brain and so on, to give you the memory of having experienced those events. Now, my question is, is there a difference? Some may say, no, in giving you the memory, the endstate; ie what you derive from it, is exactly the  same as having gone through the event yourself. In my opinion, however, this view discounts the importance of the here & now. I don't quite know how to describe it, honestly, it's simply the feeling that there's something about this very instant, this very moment that we experience, that can never be recaptured in our memories, no matter how vividly or clearly we recall it. Treasure the present, I guess, cause when it becomes the past, you're never going to get it back.

We were left to wonder at the degeneration of our brains as we browsed through some A level materials at Popular, and I'm starting to think that I'm really screwed for the BMAT, urgh. 

And I went out with Nicholas on Saturday, decided to jio him for lunch after running into him at Northpoint while waiting for Amos on a previous occasion. The small coincidences, eh? xP Did a bit of catching up, and what I think is really sad is the common agreement we all have, of this thing called NS leaving us bereft of purpose and ambition, at least for these 2 years. It's something I have to battle against, I guess, since I simply cannot continue slacking as I have been doing. It was nice to chat, talking to old friends is just so reassuring in so many ways, you have nothing to prove, nothing to gain, nothing to lose. 

And lastly, I went to help out at my Dad's clinic this morning; was quite a shock to have him come in while I was showering and ask me to help out cause both the staff who were supposed to be down today came down with diarrhea, so half-awake, off we went. Not much to say about this I guess; just that I got to see more of the way he interacts with patients.

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Time's caught up, it seems, so till next week.

Seems like I've been burning much of the long weekend SLEEPING. Urgh..

Time crawls, in the tank shed, hydraulics pumping as the bridge goes out and in, out and in. I've pretty much burned a 'video' of the launching and retrieving sequences into my memory; visualizing what's supposed to happen next in my head before confirming it as I see it play out IRL, over and over again.

I remember staring at the back of the L2, where the exhaust vents are, belching out hot air that leaves shimmering heat waves - visible I guess cause of the non-uniform variation in refractive index the heat creates in the air - and staring too at the wavering shadows they cast upon the ground, as I entertained the most random of thoughts. Wondering whether it's possible to become invisible, by wrapping a cocoon of hot air around yourself that sufficiently redirects the light, and the associated problems and solutions, such as creating an inner cooler layer of air as well, to avoid being steamed alive. Not a very efficient method I suppose, since it'd get blown away by the merest gust of wind. Oh well. At the very least such thoughts do keep the idle mind preoccupied.

Sleep, in a way, is like a uni-directional time machine. You fall into it, and without any perception of 'time' having passed, you wake up to a new day, a world that is subtly different, yet distinctly not the world you'd departed the previous day. Pretty neat, eh? And in my distracted woolgathering, I started to think about Sleeping Beauty; was she not then the first time traveler? Wouldn't it be interesting if instead of ending with a "And they all lived happily ever after" after being awoken with the magic kiss, the story continued, the female protagonist having to adjust to a world hundreds of years in the future, with her beau-to-be facing charges for sexual assault and them having to work for an honest living in a society which no longer believes in royalty. Culture-shock, basically. Somehow I doubt the transition would be as smooth as Captain America makes it appear to be.

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A particular highlight of the week was the Nee Soon guys joining us at Gedong for their motorization phase, where they learn to deal with the Broncos, while we do our own stuff. Felt damn shiok to meet up with Section 1 once again, just sitting in the bunk and talking cock, laughing my head off at Benedict's reenactment of a particular altercation with Raphael, and of something that happened during his stint as Sect Comm. I feel really lucky that we're still treated as part of the platoon despite having been posted out. Haha I look forward to some lively post-RO nights in the coming weeks. As an aside, I'm beginning to suspect that I have some sort of in-built propensity towards phail, but I'll leave that for later.

Signing off~

*Aunt walks into our house* 

Aunt: Do you know you left the gate open? 

Mum: Eh? You mean the big one? 

Aunt: Yeah, if not how do you think I came in? Jump over the gate ah. 

Dad: Oh I opened it when I was taking pictures. 

Mum: Go close it la, we don't want rats to come in. 

Dad: Big rats? Haha that can be quite insulting.

Mum: No la, I mean those that scurry in. 

*Much later*

*Uncle comes over*

Aunt: Do you know she called me a rat?

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KYong: Look! Got a lot of ants under your chair!

*ants milling around, picking up some huge crumbs*

Mum: See, they're very hardworking. Must learn from them.

A few seconds later, she's crouching on the floor, a bunch of tissue wadded in each had, vigorously squashing them. *whack* *whack* *whack*

It's simultaneously amazing and scary when you suddenly catch a glimpse of something you originally hadn't noticed. A facet of a person close to you that you never realized was changing, be it abruptly or slowly, passing unnoticed over time. Then I can't help but wonder: What else have I missed out? What else has changed? Why didn't I notice it? And knowing as well that though some come to light, still I remain oblivious to others, and may remain that way forevermore.

Guess I can never escape the subtle signs of change at work around me, whether I am a party to that change or not. The changes in mannerisms and speech I pick up as I speak to my sister, 'fresh' into secondary school, the slightest hint of barbedness in my parents' interactions, faces which look visibly older, looser, wrinkled, liver-spotted skin, a shrunken figure, all things that while pretty benign, jar and unsettle me. Even in myself I discover change at work, when I care to conduct a thorough bout of introspection, but that, I leave for another time. Some change you accept, the change of ascendance, things growing into their own, and others some parts of me still struggle against, dearly clinging on to fragments of cherished memories, refusing to let go.

And sometimes I feel like curling up into a ball and just rejecting the world, change and all. But it's unfair, isn't it? Cause though everything in the world may reject you, you can never reject the world. The machine doesn't cry at the loss of a cog, but the cog weeps over the loss of it's place in the machine. And there's always the worry that you won't have a place in this changed organism, what then?

Been in a pretty foul/belligerent mood since booking out, don't really know why. Lightened up somewhat during that talk at NTU I attended with my parents but worsened once more on the ride back. I have no idea why simply talking calmly without getting the other person riled up can be so hard at times...

It's sad. When you want to talk about everything and anything, yet can't even begin to do so, no idea where to begin, and eventually fire off some meaningless drivel.

Off to another week at Gedong.

Just Tank It

Funny how being in camp drives away all thoughts of the outside world, which only slowly drift back to me; apprehensions towards a murky future, all the what-ifs and maybes, oozing into my mind just before lights out, as I 'lie flat flat' and prepare to sleep. So, just something to think about. I think that horrible pang of loneliness you get, as the days troubles leave your mind, and haven't yet grasped the tasks that await the next day, that horrible indescribable loneliness which you can't share, can't salve, as you lie alone in bed, that's probably one of the most acute symptoms of the "human condition"

A pretty exciting week, I mustn't forget that initial thrill of driving, of the power as I revved up the engine - an engine capable of pulling >70 tonnes, no less! - as I sat in the tank. The exhilaration felt as the sand clouds washed over us, the sand on my face, it's taste in my mouth, gritty and real. Anxiously driving, wanting to take the turns slowly, watching out constantly for the freaking corners of the bridge above, extending beyond the front of the main chassis, to ensure I wouldn't inadvertently chop down a tree along the dirt path. Of driving up that steep incline, unable to even see the ground beneath me, simply pumping the accelerator to go forwards, blindly, with my field of vision the wide sky above. Of driving closed hatch, my butt uncomfortably in contact with the floor, feeling every bump and the incessant vibrations running through my body as I drove, revved, changed gears and braked, as I tried to adjust myself to catch the barest glance of the bridge. Of trying to stay in the middle of the road, while Staff Elvin constantly berating me the whole damn way. Of the fulfillment of what is quite possibly the childhood dream most males share, right alongside flying a plane, driving a firetruck (what starts with "f" and ends with "uck" hehx) and the most literally up there one, being an astronaut. I mustn't forget the initial trepidation, and general reluctance to increase speed, especially with constant reminders to not over-rev the engine.

A Saturday burned; or half of it, at least, most of the time spent on that endless maintenance and the various checks. Good thing I had no plans.

And I must remember, to adapt fast, and adapt well. So far I've been passive, and somewhat making a fool of myself at my new home, can't let this go on if I still want to remain in the game, right?

'I cannot say' said Lady LeJean

One Auditor said. You persist in using a personal pronoun.

And one added, And you have not died! To be an individual is to live, and to live is to die!

'Yes, I know. But it is essential for humans to use the personal pronoun. It divides the universe into two parts. The darkness behind the eyes, where the little voice is, and everything else. It is... a horrible feeling. It is like being... questioned, all the time.'

One said, what is the little voice?

'Sometimes thinking is like talking to another person, but that person is also you.'

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'Grey would be acceptable,' said Mr Green.

'Nevertheless, you are Mr Green. We are Mr Black. It is a matter of status'

'If that is the case,' said Miss White, 'white is higher status than black. Black is absence of colour.'

'The point is valid,' said Mr Black. 'Therefore we are now Mr White. You are Miss Red.'

'You previously indicated that you were Mr Black.'

'New information indicates a change of position. This does not indicate incorrectness of said previous position.'

It's happening already, though Lady LeJean. It's in the darkness where your eyes can't see. The universe becomes two halves, and you live in the half behind the eyes. Once you have a body, you have a 'me'.

I have seen galaxies die. I have watched atoms dance. But until I had the dark behind the eyes, I didn't know the death from the dance. And we were wrong. When you pour water into a jug, it becomes jug-shaped and it is not the same water any more. An hour ago they never dreamed of having names, and now they are arguing about them...

She wanted more time. The habits of a billion years don't yield entirely to a mouthful of bread, and she could see that a crazy life form like humanity should not be allowed to exist. Yes, indeed. Certainly. Of course.

But she wanted more time.

They should be studied. Yes, studied.

-Excerpts from Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time, my favourite book in the series.

Quite tough to reconcile my feelings with regards to this new posting. Of course it's cool and all, what with getting to drive a freaking tank, albeit one sans turret, having a hugeass bridge atop of it instead, and I guess it can be personally challenging in many ways. A really rare opportunity as well; there're only the 6 of us there, and we're only the second batch of people who're being trained to operate and maintain these relatively new machines, so...wow. BUT. And here's the but.

I can't help but feel cheated, cheated of the opportunity to command and lead men of my own, which is what SCS and STW@ETI had been building us up towards. I enjoy G&T (grouping and tasking), something I realized from my stint as store IC and planning as well, as I discovered during Beaver Quest that last day. I enjoy coming up with a plan and seeing it being executed, while keeping alert during the process, wary of any potential cockups. I enjoyed the varied life at ETI, learning many things, very diverse, and I had been looking forward to the second demolition live firing as well. I liked working with my section at these new and interesting things, and would have liked to stay there for awhile longer. And yet now my future; or at least my immediate future, for the next one and a half years or so, and the years after that, when I'll report for my ICT (re-service) has been laid before me, and it doesn't look horribly appealing at all. Months spent learning to drive the tank (which isn't bad) and learning to maintain and clean it (urgh) as well as studying lots of technical specifications and such and doing everything all over again. My primary motivation in SCS and ETI was to work upon personal improvement, to better improve my leadership and communication, and now I find myself deprived of a very large portion of it, which I find hugely demoralizing.

When I tell people I'm training to be a tank driver, they say it's pretty cool, and yeah, it is. What I can't convey is the loss I feel; the quiet pride I used to experience back then as store IC, locking up the stores after everyone else had gone up to their bunks, knowing that things were well and truly prepared, after having gotten the guys organized. I'm quite rueful of the fact that I never got to be CSM, PS or even SC during my stint at ETI, especially so now that I most likely won't get any further opportunities.

So, what is there to look towards now? Doing pullups and pushups before each meal,  3 times a day, 5 days a week, till my arms can't take it anymore and I'm almost hoisted up by my bunkmates? Running, made to run at a pace I simply can't handle, watching as the gulf between the rest and myself steadily and speedily opens as my legs steadily give out, all the while cursing whoever's leading in my head while hoping to simply collapse so everything will be over, and yet never reaching the point where doing so is even a remote possibility? Days spent clambering all over the tank, opening hatches, jumping it, mounting and dismounting, practicing overturning drills (which I don't mind, actually)? Marching in contingents no larger than 10, and more often than no in 3s and 4s, which is just so weird, and as we march, not knowing whether I should lead a song or not, wondering whether the rest would rather not hear my voice :P? Learning and immersing myself in things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to learn outside, and which are of course totally and completely irrelevant to what I want to do once I've served my time?

Lol

But seriously, what's done is done, and nothing can be done about it, that much is certain, so all I can do is try to make the best of it, see it as a different kind of challenge, one that tests my skills, to better operate under stressful conditions, while attaining mastery over my specialization. It's not what I'm aiming for, but it's what I'll have to make do with, and a little positive thinking can't hurt as well.

It's amazing how immersive Army life can be. Or actually not. We live the life 24 hours a day, 5 days a week, of course it'd occupy a large portion of our conscious thoughts. When any 2 guys meet, it becomes an inevitable talking point, all the experiences which can be exchanged, various things that both can mutually relate to, though you'd wonder, having experienced so much in camp, why in the world would we want to talk about it whilst out of camp as well!

Caught Batman with Amos at Northpoint on Friday. It was pretty darn awesome, and didn't end with the heroic sacrifice and hugeass explosion like I'd expected. Nolan did a great job tying up the loose ends, and managed to inject some sentimentality as well. Very impressed, and though the fight scenes were kinda pathetic, that itself bespoke a larger meaning. Everything was so freaking symbolic, my only complain is that there was perhaps too much exposition and a little draggyness, but the setup was well worth it.

And yesternight I dreamt of you. Strange, isn't it? After so long. So inordinately happy

I initially had alot to say about a speech delivered by the Guest of Honour at our Founder's Day ceremony. Very quotable and pretty thought provoking as well.


"Understand that the more intelligent, powerful and successful you are, the more vulnerable you are to the curse of certainty. The belief that words are validated by virtue of being uttered by you."


He bade us to think it possible that we may be mistaken, to tone down on that ineffable certainty present, but ended off on a playful note "You may be mistaken when you think you are mistaken". Other points were raised during his speech, about a theological shift towards a belief in logic and reason in recent times, away from religion as a mental framework by which an inordinately complex reality could be broken down and simplified,  contrasted with the futility or perhaps more accurately the inadequacy of logic; sometimes things simply occur outside of this framework, and sometimes you have competing logics, which then have to be resolved some way or another.

A powerful speech, very intellectually appealing, ironically so perhaps, as it was so appealing precisely because it was delivered with such authoritative certainty on the part of the speaker. A certainty and confidence that certainly wouldn't have been here had he stopped to wonder, uncertainly if we could follow his train of thought, if he was getting the idea across. He talked about the investor, so full of certainty that he didn't know what hit him till he had lost everything in the exchange, but I can't help but wonder whether it was the same certainty that enabled him to succeed so well, to get into the position by which he could commit such a grievous mistake.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that hindsight is 60/60. It's very good to denounce unshakable certainty and cite XYZ examples to illustrate one's point, but you can't just ignore the Us, Vs and Ws present which don't conform to your desired hypothesis and discard them (which is coincidentally enough something he mentioned about the nature of the Internet as well).

So of course, the ideal would be to temper certainty and confidence with caution as one goes about life.

I see my writing as largely schizophrenic. At times I like to slowly and deliberately lay down my thoughts, much like a child laying building a structure out of Lego, brick by boring brick (lol) and sometimes I simply like to fling them out, half-formed, incomprehensible; a baby throwing toys out of his/her pram.

Well anyways, had a rare nights-off after the end of basic term in ETI, following an exciting Beaver's Quest (more on that later!). Had our company cohesion, bowling at the Chevrons, after which I officially found out that I'll be leaving ETI@Nee Soon Camp to be posted as an AE I guess, using Leop@rd tanks. Which is pretty cool, I guess, but I'm a little leery of leaving ETI and all my new old friends behind, especially after finally settling in. I guess I'm quite a sentimental person, and it's the sentiment that things will never be the same that makes me emotional whenever the time comes for partings and leave-takings. I'm also worried as to whether I'll be able to perform as well over there, given the (much) smaller cohort, which makes things alot more competitive too! I've also gotten used to having people around who know the way I work, and are willing to cooperate to get the job done; which may not be the case over there. And the camp is freaking far from my house, which kinda sucks as well. I guess I'll miss doing stores too!

After being so forcibly ejected just when things were starting to feel comfortable, and when I'd just began to get a taste of G&T during Beaver's Quest and getting a hang of my job as store IC, I suppose I'll have to regard this new phase as a challenge to be overcome, to reestablish myself once again and show my worth, instead of bemoaning the Fates which guide me. I hope to be able to progress forwards, bearing my optimism, while retaining the many fond memories I've enjoyed in the past, and enjoy my time over there as well :)

This and this where I first read about it, are just lol.

I in particular couldn't stand the above image, rendered in excruciatingly high quality and resolution, and most of all the freaking look in their eyes which I can't even begin to describe.

Brief research on the 'net (hope nobody looks through my search history, cause "dinosaur penis" is not something that I want any of my family to see) reveals that it's uncertain whether dinosaurs even had such external sexual organs, as fleshy tissue isn't preserved in the fossil record. I also went to look up possibilities of external fertilization, a no go there thanks to the hard shell, so seems like the most likely bet is via a mutual meeting of cloaca for a few seconds. Fortunately any sentient species that comes along after us humans go extinct won't have to concern themselves with similar uncertainty over the reproduction of us humans, thanks to the large repositories of um...pornography present online.... So really, much ado about nothing? Or perhaps simply a piece of dino fanfiction.

We as a race are screwed, both metaphorically, and...ahem...literally.

Cracked Windows

Sometimes I think about things for hours on end, not knowing quite how to express it myself, and all of a sudden, it comes to me. So here it is, something that's been washing round my mind (what's left of it anyways) the past week in ETI.

I believe everyone has an inbuilt barometer, one that tells them when something is "screwed-up" and when it is not. Everyone knows it, and nobody wants to go through life doing things which they themselves perceive as screwed-up. And yet, evidently so many people do. Why? It's when external factors are introduced, things that cloud their judgement, over-ride the innate desire to do good. It's the mindset "everyone does it, so if I don't I'll lose out". It's because when the window is already cracked, when imperfections and flaws are present, that they decide, and rationalize, and decide that there's no point preserving something already messed up, so they might as well mess it up more for their own convenience. And I care. I think it's debasing, when we live our lives this way, when we could be and are so much more. And so, despite being the procrastinator that I am, I want to be the one who mends the window, and removes the obstacles preventing us from exercising our better judgement, providing something around which things can crystallize and begin to grow.

A little over-ambitious perhaps? And a short call earlier just illuminated me as to how myopic I can be, to miss out the cracks growing right under my nose. I still have to try, nonetheless.

A question, though: If people really do want to do good, will anything be able to prevent them from doing so? Is aiming to make it less tough for others to make a "right" decision really the right way to go about things?

To the former, I'd really rather not say. As to the latter, I believe that these types of things need to grow and develop incrementally. The first time is tough, the second time isn't easier, nor are the subsequent times, yet as you go along, a habit is developed, and soon it'll become second nature.

People can be influence by the most inconsequential of things. A teacher of mine (I don't even remember who anymore!) shared with a bunch of us about something he observed in some other country at a fast food outlet. Having consumed their meals, customers would neatly fold up their burger wrappers before clearing their trays at the bins. And ever since hearing that, that's exactly what I've been doing. Fold the wrapper into halves, quarters then eighths before clearing my tray; clearing up after myself. A small thing, true, but something that matters to me :)

Do I make sense? :P

Things move, even if you don't touch them. While it's nice to believe in determination, that the actions one performs/commits/whatever determine one's destiny (for lack of a better word), it's always important to remember that we do not act in isolation. At the same time as we are acting to change our  destiny's, others are acting to affect change to their destiny's. Paths converge, diverge, and we move on, not everyone get's their way, and sometimes it's better not to stop and pose the question: "what did I do wrong?" - which is so, so, so bloody tempting, as it encourages and fosters the belief that things are within control - but rather to accept it calmly, take it in stride and move on. Things can rarely be so simply dissected for examination, contributing factors laid bare to be seen, everything's entangled, in a mess;
even if you don't move, a million other things do, and inevitably tug on the strings entwined around you.

And now, to sleep. A new day when I awake (not technically speaking), the world deconstructed and reconstructed once more, a whole new world, machinery churning in the background as I rest, and we shall see.

Holding Together

The sweet taste of freedom is something I managed to savor deeply this weekend. I miss the days when I had the time to stand around with friends, not quite sure what to do, standing in the middle of the pathway, standing in the rain, under the shelter of a tree, as we tried to hash out a course of action, inevitably going off-topic before once again meandering our way back on course. The time to take the long route, a stroll through the heart of the city, chatting, whining and in essence being completely random. The time to sit and watch a couple of "performers" in the spotlight at the Gardens, waiting for them to do something, which they never did. The freedom to not have a plan, activities slotted neatly back-to-back, and an unrelenting encik/PS/CSM breathing down our necks to enforce timings and ever ready to knock us down for being too sloppy. The freedom, in fact, to see adveture in the most miniscule yet crazy little things; clambering onto and bypassing a corrugated metal sheet blocking my path and climbing over the low fence at the longkang, creeping across the ledge to bypass yet another sheet; all in order to leave my estate to get to the basketball court across the road with my cousins, and later, moving to look for another court (that one was already occupied) only to discover that the hoops had broken off, and then playing 2 v 2 ultimate frisbee instead. A sweet nectar that I plan to enjoy fully once I ORD.

Staring at the city lights, at people going about the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it struck me how removed from it all we NSmen are. Once we set foot in camp, we assume our second identities, ones which we've conditioned to willingly accept the rigors, regimentation et al of in camp training, and as we go through the week, one event follows another, in rapid succession, no time to think about other things; best not to think about other things. It's scary how easy it is to lose sight of yourself; who you are, what you're doing, the things you stand for; what you're aiming for in life. It's as if we're safely ensconced in a bubble, removed from the flow of everyday life; and I'd hate to think what kind of lost soul would be released when the bubble pops 17 months down the road. I'd cry out for someone to save me, but really, who's up to the task?

Self-help then, is the way to go, and I hope my endeavor to earn a shiny pointy piece of metal serves to focus myself as well.

A single day, my weekend cleaved in half by 1x Weekend guard duty, but a day pretty fruitfully spent methinks. I managed to catchup with an old friend (and catch The Amazing Spiderman as well) morning to mid-afternoon, give my boots a pretty decent shine for Monday's parade and dump more than enough books into my new Kindle Touch to last me through the week.

I've probably got alot to think about, what with things developing as fast as they are, but perhaps the best thing now is to simply keep my head down and focus on one thing at a time, to take them as they come and finish them off with aplomb.

That's all I have time for, unfortunately, so till next week~

Each day it seems like I lose a little bit of myself, and gain something different in return. A multitude of changes, stacking up imperceptibly, but definitively. Am I who I was a week ago? A month ago? And is that for better or for worse? I'll never know.

"You'll never know" - hauntingly memorable last words.

The past week passed in deep slumber for me, nothing quite registering, events skipping across the waters of my consciousness. It's not that I distanced myself from them, or wasn't involved, or that I found them boring, but that I simply found myself strangely out of it, a little bereft of the motivation and "on-ness" I'd tapped on in SCS. I think I'm still in the process of adjusting; I don't hate ETI, but really miss the bunk environment I enjoyed with the guys in Bravo.

Amidst all this I count my blessings; that I've got the guys who came over with me, and who unquestioningly and unhesitatingly offer me their assistance and support, especially since I'm the store IC for my platoon (stores are the bread and butter of engineers, in case you were wondering) and still not-100%-clear as to which stores go where. Managing a whole platoon of guys who are somewhat reluctant to burn their admin time to do stores can be intimidating, and I could sense them getting quite impatient while I needed to clarify some things with the sergeants. The reassurance that I could count on them no matter what (of course without taking advantage of them) was a much appreciated source of strength for me, and allowed me to be strong myself, despite constantly being the last man up at the end of each session, having to account for everything, tying up the various loose ends and returning the store keys. And sometimes it simply feels good to sit down for meals with the same few familiar faces, be it engaging in the same old banter and mutual whining or consuming our food in silence. Old company enjoyed in a new one.

I think it's good to have friends who both need you and whom you need. Perhaps not the most eloquent way to phrase it, but what the heck. They give you strength with their presence and simultaneously you become strong to give them strength as well.

In a week thoroughly drowned, dampened, battered under, murdered and quenched by a couple of tests and a series of horribly dry and dreary lectures, the demolition live firing was certainly a high point. We'd had to prepare the stores the night before, and reveille at 3.30 to set off as my detail was the ammo party and had to load up to the ammo tonner to collect the demolitions materials from the ammo dump. Groggy were we, dozing off at practically every opportunity, heads lolling around, exaggerated by the weight of our helmets, till it was time to perform our duties. Well let's skip straight to the live-firing, shall we? I'd initially been pretty tense about having to handle the explosives, especially after learning about their destructive power; and having thoroughly mugged the various safety radii and other specs, but it turned out to be nothing much after all. A block 3 charge is just this light brown plastic block, just 0.5kg, which looks pretty nondescript. We just stuck in the det cord and that was it. The rod of PE was even funnier; softer than playdough, and pretty fun to mould and "play" around with, save being able to feel the crystals of explosive in its texture. Wrap it around the det cord and we were done. I was lucky enough to be the firer, so I got to prepare the I-chain, prime the charge, and set off the ignitor on command, shouting "IGNITED" and counting off while running for my life, pushed along by Staff Alfred as we ran uphill to the coverpoint. And I continued counting..and counting...and counting...fifty thousand...sixty thousand...seventy thousand...upon which the charges detonated, one bay after the other. I thought the matador was a big deal, that the M203 was pretty cool, but they're nothing compared to the blast effect of actual explosives lol. Even under cover, the blast effect can be felt rippling through the air, and it actually felt more intense back at the training shed, further from the firing point; shaking the whiteboard there. It's verrrryy shiok.

Well, I think there should be a meaningful conclusion to this post but nothing really comes to mind, so I'll just leave it as such. Awesome Germany vs Greece match I caught awhile ago, albeit wholly one-sided.

Just kill me now.

Argh, a well-documented depression known as the "post SCS depression" has afflicted much of us engineer-commanders-to-be in the ETI. Regimentation on the level of BMT, while understandable on a logical level, will take some adjusting too, especially after being spoiled by the degree of freedom we'd been given during our foundation term. Activities were very packed, had ALOT to do over the first 3 days of the course, and we're still at week 0, 13 more weeks to go. I really don't know. Sometimes I feel things are very screwed up, want to scream out loud, and whine incessantly to someone, but I really can't allow myself to do so. I think some of the others are feeling it worse than me, and while we do find some solace in commiseration, there's kind of an obligation to put a positive spin on things, attempt to be optimistic, try to offer some support :S Can't really tell it to my family as well, don't want to make them worry when they have other more pressing concerns, and it's not a feeling that I can articulate well too; things haven't really been that bad, so I don't want to sound like a whiner haha.

The feeling was most acute late last night, as I sat in front of my laptop, tired, staring at the slides to be tested on, slides which they hadn't gone through, and were well..not that well done up to say the least, trying to absorb the list of facts being spammed, safety distances, etc that were plain memory work, and being unable to retain anything in my brain. Felt even worse than mugging for the As..at least then, things made sense.

Some positives though, but I shan't elaborate on them since I'm not done with my mugging yet. Cheerios.

Expect post frequency to decrease dramatically (but who reads this anyway, eh? :P) due to lack of time and energy, and also because we no longer have laptops/internet access in the awesome ETI, as LEARNet hasn't been rolled out to us yet, a little ironic how much the loss is felt, especially since so many of us were hammering LEARNet for it's uselessness in BMT and SCS. And besides, I think I've been drained of the ability to make semi-insightful posts, so it's no great loss there!

Freestyle with my new waterfall. Bleh don't have much style to speak off, and smoothness is pretty horrible as well...haha oh well

Things will never be the same

Didn't know that it would hit me so hard; a physical manifestation, a gnawing at my heart. Hugging the guys who'd gotten posted to infantry and when they had left, feeling the emptiness of the bunk, bedsheets, pillowcases, blankets removed, all personal artefacts packed up into hulking fieldpacks, ginormous duffels. An indescribable sense of loss. Strange how strong those ties built up over 8 weeks of near constant companionship had become, talking cock, singing song, sleeping, eating together, going outfield, doing pt and other random shit together, spending a whole lot more time with them than I have with my family. Or perhaps I'd come to identify too strongly with the feeling of being in a section, and gradually growing to identify myself as such, such that the breaking up of the section as we each received our own postings was immensely heartbreaking. I'll miss you guys, we spent 24 hours for at least 5 days a week together over the course of 8 weeks, almost a thousand in total, and they were pretty enjoyable ones at that, no matter how much we'd complain or comment about his behaviour or other stuff like that. I teared up, even needing Ying Hui to come over to comfort me :/

Well I'm over that, and alot of them are joining me over at the ETI, so things aren't too bad, and we've gotta move forwards, anyway, right? Just hope I don't end up on bomb disposal or CMRE haha

Somehow I always find myself holding the short end of the stick in that predator-prey dynamic. If I absolutely must be the prey, why doesn't that extend to the other aspects of life as well; in more positive ways? :S

Farewell Bravo~

Last post from this particular laptop as a member of Bravo Coy. I'm nursing a particularly bad bout of running nose so I'll keep this short. The 8 weeks passed really fast, without much time to comprehend what has happened over this period of time. I've managed to do more than in Bronco I think, mostly over the last couple of weeks, where I've been the LSC and LPS. I've made more than a few new friends; possibly closer to them than my BMTC section, and we've had some pretty interesting experiences together. I've come to accept the more unsavory aspects of human nature, mostly selfishness and unwillingness to help out, and I've been guilty of that as well, though I do try to contribute, above and beyond my minimal obligations. I've also discovered the more unpleasant side of my personality; a tendency to get testy with my responses when caught in a bad moment; or at the limits of my tolerance. I've found that I can tahan alot of things though, and that is pretty encouraging. I've learned that the best way to lead and influence (for me at least) is by example, by leading the way, doing it myself first. Morale highground, you know ;) and yet I've also realized that one can't do everything alone, and if you persist in doing so, you only make yourself bitter, angry and frustrated. Best is to encourage and foster participation, while getting yourself involved as well; although coorperation may be grudgingly given, you still get things done, and build up some cohesiveness too. Respect other's opinions, for they may be correct, and you'll earn their respect for doing so as well.

In all, I guess I learnt that I'm not as utterly hopeless as I'd initially thought, yet it's something that I have to put alot more work into, to build up my confidence and awareness in so many ways, and I'm really quite fortunate that I have so many people around me that I can look to for both positive and negative examples hahaha.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good posting!

-SCT CHRISTOPHER TEOW KANG JUN 2113 BRAVO COY

Bravo's been awesome, more than I could have possibly hoped for :)

Carpe Diem

For what does time slither by, so insidiously, to no avail? For whom does it do so?

The birth and death of the Sun means nothing, to those who look upon the world through deadfish eyes. Stagnant they are, to them, nothing moves, the seasons mere annoyances to contend with, calendars but desktop paperweights to chalk and murder the passage of time.

The rebirth of the sun, the rise of the full moon, is for those with wonder in their eyes and see opportunity in the turn of the day. They have a goal, and each day passes with bated breathe, controlled excitement; as the attainment of it draws closer.

This wasn't intended to be an optimistic post, though. Was merely reflecting on how things sometimes seem so meaningless, and wondering, how I could get myself out of this rut, to put some life into my eyes, passion into my step and imbue my actions with purpose and meaning. Sometimes I think we're too jaded; made to grow up too fast that all semblance of youthful vigour has been stripped away.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

It doesn't.

Being serious about something. Perhaps being mature and serious about it means not doing it the way you would do it; or maybe not being so lax that you do it any which way, with the excuse that that's simply the way you are, and rather doing it in the way that will allow you to accomplish it successfully. It's very easy to go around condemning people for not being true to themselves, while perhaps they should be commended for wanting it so much, being so serious about it that they're willing to put that extra effort into being something that they're not, just so that they can get it. Eh?

Not quite my style, but perhaps I should steer away from my undeniably stupid policy of almost-full disclosure and try to incorporate just a little guile and finesse into my future endeavors. They don't want to see the mental conflict and anguish resolved over the course of one page of words, what they want to see is simply what is so appealing about you. KISS

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.

-Galway Kinnell

So, I decided to give it a try, since it literally landed in my lap yesterday. Leading by example is really damn tiring haha, haven't had much time to think about other things, so it's been consigned to the back of my mind.

Can we be friends?

I've lost myself somewhere along the way. It's not that I hadn't thought things through, but now with things the way they are, I'm being forced to reconsider, and oddly enough, I find it very disconcerting. Can't help my feel that I'm very half-assed in the things that I do; sorely lacking in passion and determination, and that possibly because I'm relatively open-minded about things, and have a pretty laid-back attitude towards the things I do, which I'm starting to find very detestable. It's not something anyone else can help with, no matter how much I want someone to confide in.

KYan: Guess what? I got 11th in my class!!
Me (a little asshole I guess): Out of?
KYan: 40! I got top for Chinese
Me (genuinely impressed): Congrats!
KYan: Guess my L1R5?
*random guesses, and she bobs her head ever upwards, till I guess 18*
KYan: You were looking at my head right! It's 11! (Troll much -.-) Guess my Poly L1R5?
*shows 3 fingers*
Me: 3?
KYan: 8 la
Me: Do you want to go poly?
KYan: Yeah
Me: Why?
KYan: Because if I fail JC I'll go poly anyway!
....
*takes the iPad from me and goes off*

Field Camp the II

Fieldcamp this week was rather more memorable than the one we had during BMT, which can probably be attributed to the 'favourable' climate this time round. I'll never forget the hours spent - on two consecutive nights, no less! - late in the night and in the wee hours of the morning, hours spent staring morosely into space as rivulets of water found their way through our seemingly non-existent groundsheet (the waterproof lining was compromised, you see) and soaked me to the core. The frantic scramble to set up shelter in the dark proved to be an exercise in futility. Merciless skies unleashed their fury on us throughout the night, and on the second night, sheet lightning flashed through the sky, followed shortly by resounding roars of thunder, from all around us. We were in the middle of the storm, and atop a hill, furthermore, and were seriously praying and fervently hoping that we wouldn't be the catalyst for yet another safety timeout, yet another condemnation to safety in the SAF.

-TBC First Parade beckons

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I realize what I want isn't for you to like me, or anything like that, but rather to hear from you, for all the good that'll do. Grevious foolishness on my part, that.

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Slipping, sliding, scrambling up the treacherous slopes, yet another downside to hilltop life; panting uncontrollably while making my way up with the fieldpack to setup camp; hoisting the MATADOR across my shoulders, and the occasional trip up after returning from the training shed below, heaving a jerry can - nearly 20kg - along for the journey. Even with rotation it was still freaking tiring. And of course the trips up and down made in the dark, simply hoping not to fall, or that if I fell, that I wouldn't land wrongly and OOC from it.

Hours spent sitting in the mud, trying to make myself comfortable, all kinds of positions; iLBV on, iLBV off, sitting on my rifle, leaning against my fieldpack, lying on my fieldpack, sitting crosslegged, rifle across my knees, so on and so forth, doing absolutely nothing, nothing and waiting, random musings passing through my head, the future, first and foremost, but that for later.

The second night, huddling together under the groundsheet, legs curled into fetal position, donning my Goretex, a source of much comfort, a ward against the shivering. Curled up alongside Yan Seng and Theodore, not saying a word to each other, commiserating in the shared situation.

Section Battle Course, much toned down than previous years, yet messed up nonetheless, conducting Fire Movement up the hill; literally 'chiong sua', hilarious when I was the IC yet unable to climb up as it was too muddy at my location and requiring Janus to clamber up first to offer me a hand, when I was taking too long and the rest were several bounds ahead already. I wasn't the only one who had that problem haha.

And of course the simple act of proning on alert, uncomfortable with the magazines pressing against my abdomen, aggravating already present abrasions. Yet you realize there's a certain trick to it; you fidget a little, try to find the most comfortable position, and simply do-not-move. Rest your helmet against the scope, or your chin against the cheek rest, or various other "styles", and settle in.

And of course, the heat rash, a still-present reminder of the days that passed, prickling me into immobility, forcing a slight tightening of the back, and testing my resolution to keep my hands at bay, to not descent into a fit of frenzied, uncontrollable scratching at an itch which simply refuses to leave me alone. Practically the whole company was afflicted..guess that's what happens when you can't bathe for a few days, and changing into fresh clothes is rendered ineffective due to the constant rain and ever-present moisture.

Abrupt end. Pizza in the bunk is simply heavenly.