Going round in circles and it's the only place too

Being in camp makes me feel strangely emotionally distant. It's not that I don't feel anything, I still get pissed, depressed, occasionally fulfilled etc, it just doesn't feel like I'm really being affected. It's happening to me, yet it feels like it's someone else. I'm afraid that my time in the army has left me bereft of the ability to form meaningful connections with someone else, beyond the drudgery of daily life. I don't know whether I care anymore, you see. Amidst all the lanlansuckthumb, tenuous relationships and the work which just goes on and on, regardless of how well/badly I do it, I've coached myself into an apathy that I find now spills into those other parts of life. It's an oft repeated line, a recurring theme in these posts of mine I find, quite boringly so, but its veracity is no less by virtue of that fact, oft repeated lines are oft repeated for a reason; lack of any better ideas aside. But well, c'est la vie, and on and on it goes.

I guess the old truism applies: It's never as bad as you think it is, and never as good too. I've just got to keep reminding myself of it when I feel down and out, and also when I feel so elated my feet don't seem to touch the earth, though times with the latter are unfortunately few and far between!

Amos told me yesterday that each week that passes is almost exactly 1% of that countdown to ORD, a progress bar that has never filled up so excruciatingly maddeningly slowly before. Do I look forward to it's completion? Of course I do, but honestly please don't let what I post here mislead you; not entirely motivated I may be, but I still intend to discharge my duty to the (almost) best of my ability, though that doesn't mean I won't complain about it when the mood overcomes me. That much I think we NSFs deserve.

Been a pretty decent weekend, despite blowing off loads of cash, met up with JAMA for breakfast, it's been ages since we've last done that, someone always seems to be unavailable for some reason or another. Upside down was a pretty interesting movie too haha, comments reserved for later.

I'm off for a haircut after not having done so since before CNY, it's gotten so long I can hardly recognize myself xP

It's such a joy to reminisce and roll back the clock, even if it's only for a short while. It's reassuring that even though so much has changed; eyes that I can't bring myself to look straight into, words that I can't quite conceive myself saying, thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be thinking, I'm not so different that I can't appreciate those times all over again with a smile on my face.

While the veneer of happiness helps to make things bearable, it wears thin and sometimes I feel so lost (metaphorically of course) and there's no simple way to explain it. It's not very justified; life isn't that bad, but the feeling lingers, a horrible stench that just refuses to go away despite the most vigorous attempts at washing, always threatening to rise to the surface during those quiet moments.

Will you understand?

Of course not!

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

I've been negligent in posting, I know. Part of that due to simple laziness and another because I've let some thoughts stew in my head so long that they start to fester, such that when I finally come back to them, they don't seem like very good ideas anymore, certainly not worth penning down.

Anyways, the long CNY break has been a good one, I've always loved CNY, the general getting together and such, but there's always been a feeling of shallowness to it, especially with all the minor politcking and cultural expectations and such that have to conformed to. And the relatives, especially those of the extended family have always seemed pretty distant to me, with the basic interaction being "oh, look how you've grown!" and so on, nothing unexpected. I'm looking at it from another perspective, however. Those grand aunts, grand uncles and so on, those who appear so distant from me, are in fact my parents' aunts and uncles, my grandparents' brothers and sisters, and well I guess the kinship isn't shallow at all, I just don't feel it as much. I guess years into the future, as we all grow up and my closer family inevitably gets at least a little more experience, I'd cherish every opportunity to meet up and do some catching up of our own, and probably be astonished at how big my cousins' kids have gotten as well!

Yesterday my family went out to renew a couple of mobile plans for my dad, mum and sis, so I got the opportunity to take a look at some of the newer handphones on the market, and I was honestly very impressed. I'm amazed by the features of the Galaxy II and how integrated everything is, you can crop something from a picture you find on the 'net for instance or a picture you take and instantly make your own additions to send it to someone else or to make a personal note. It basically has so much to offer, but with a very simple caveat: Only if you know how to make use of it. IMO, Android and Apple seem to have very different marketing strategies. Android offers you the world, but only if you'll take it, while Apple obviously adopts the mentality of KISS (Keep it Simple, Stupid) and makes things so much easier to use, and a lot more idiot-proof. I'm very impressed by Android and their offerings on all the various other manufacturers, and I guess if they keep going in that direction, I'd very quickly be forced to reconsider my choice in my Iphone 4, but the Iphone offers a very appealingly simple package, one that my mum misses, cause she's very confused by the myriad of options and functions present in her new Galaxy II and she's honestly satisfied by very little; she just wants to surf the net and play Scramble with Friends with me (though I almost always beat her XP) so I suppose it could go both ways.

I have more stuff to say - when do I never.. - but it's time for lunch and the bookin back to camp.. It's been a good break, late nights, late mornings, doing as I pleased, a little selfishly at times I confess, but now's time to go back to that daily routine once more ><