97 =) a little superficial, perhaps, but it proves i've shattered another wall, another ceiling. Now it's time to go on up.
Expunge the metaphysical aspect. Don't think so much about the "feeling", the "distribution of energy" and other abstract stuff. Nail it down to reality, the 4 core "principles" which coach just keeps on emphasizing. It works! Now to train my will, to be resolute and as hard as steel.
It's intriguing how things can seem so different after a mere 24 hours. Does the upswing really come that fast? Or is it just dependent on this mercurial mood of mine? Who knows.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The same starting point, all those years back.
But now I'm staring at your backs.
And can't help but wonder,
what is it that's been holding me back.
I'd rather it be lack of motivation, lack of drive, than the lack of talent, that I must deny.
And so I train and run, train and chase
To prove that I have, what it takes.
-Me
But now I'm staring at your backs.
And can't help but wonder,
what is it that's been holding me back.
I'd rather it be lack of motivation, lack of drive, than the lack of talent, that I must deny.
And so I train and run, train and chase
To prove that I have, what it takes.
-Me
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
If I were to express all my thoughts here, it'd fill up the whole page. Things're just that messy, just that convoluted, just that diverse. It's complicated. The hopes and aspirations I have with shooting, juxtaposed with the reality of things as they stand right now; the multitude of problems with PW as we've chosen a rocky path, which we find ourselves unable to complete coupled with the issue of directing a group of diverse personalities who aren't fantastic at working together to complete a task which just seems to grow in magnitude with every passing moment. The upcoming promos and the realization that I don't have it in me to push myself to a higher gear to face it in good stead. The inevitable reality that I'll have to cut down on training to start taking hold of my life; its spiraling out of control, headed in a direction I don't think is good at all. The uncertainty in interactions, the wondering, the loneliness, the fear of rejection, the appreciation of reliable friends. The above and more, all mixed into one package, all messed up, interlacing, tugging upon each other and getting hopelessly tangled up in my head. Tough.
Possibly because of this, I find that my emotions've been on a short leash of late. I get frustrated really easily, and despite my efforts to prevent it, it shows, especially at times when I can't afford for it to. I find my mind drifting ever so often to the "dark" side, falling into dark moods, thinking the worst of a situation, getting pissed off. I want control back, dammit!
Possibly because of this, I find that my emotions've been on a short leash of late. I get frustrated really easily, and despite my efforts to prevent it, it shows, especially at times when I can't afford for it to. I find my mind drifting ever so often to the "dark" side, falling into dark moods, thinking the worst of a situation, getting pissed off. I want control back, dammit!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Weiqi-filled day of AWESOME!
I participated in the Super Go Youth Challenge 2010 today and faced roughly 6 hours of unabated weiqi-ness, and yes, I know that's not even a word. I ended up playing 7 rounds, which is roughly 3x the total number of games I had ever played up till today. Entering as a novice in all senses of the words, I'm pretty lucky I didn't get devoured by all the "sharks" out there. I ended up winning 4 rounds out of the 7, which is a pretty commendable achievement if I must say so myself. But besides the scores, I've taken back a lot out of this experience.
During normal trainings, I'm usually very hesitant to place my seeds, as I'm afraid of making the wrong move, and constantly feel the need to check with the coach and the more experienced players as to their validity. This notion was thrown out of my head the moment my first match begins. Facing a ruthless opponent who's only desire is to cut your pieces apart and gobble you whole, you can't help but have more confidence in your moves, and to maintain your composure even when you're having a hard time withstanding the onslaught.
I also learned to maintain my focus. Blunders occur; that's a fact of life. It's what you do after the blunder, whether you're able to recollect yourself after that blunder and gear yourself towards salvaging the solution that determines victory or defeat. This happened to me several times. After making a mistake that cost me a corner, I had to retain my focus and composure and fight to the bitter end, eventually edging out my opponent to win me the game by a small margin. If I had resigned myself earlier, I would definitely not have been able to salvage the game.
Keep your pieces connected. Another important lesson, learned through several painful mistakes. sometimes a false eye just isn't going to cut it, and getting cut at a vital spot due to a moment's oversight can be a really painful experience indeed. In fact, this is what cost me victory in the last round, and my shot at an 8th place medal. So, don't make big moves, don't rush in brashly, and remember to keep those pieces connected. Only then will there be a solid framework to mount an attack from.
Since we were playing on the 13x13 board, the area is much smaller, and thus I realized the importance of capturing and securing the sides before fighting for the center area. However, this perception was violently challenged in my 6th game by a canny opponent who managed to push my lines to the side and capture the center. It was only through a stroke of inspiration that I managed to plant a group in his area that survived, thus giving me enough territory to win, albeit by a relatively small margin. It was a close game that really tested my composure and mental stamina.
Overall, I'm proud of my showing at the competition, since all the other competitors were part of the Singapore Weiqi Association Youth Connection and had significantly more support and experience. Although my first set was messy, I really learned from it and edged to victory in the second after my opponent missed something. I then dominated the flow in the third, only to lose in the fourth after a weak opening coupled with a series of bad decision. The fifth was a desperate scramble for territory which I just barely won, and the sixth was a mentally taxing battle of wits, where my opponent managed to bag some territory for himself and then proceeded to mount an admirable attack on mine. I held firm at the right and managed to take advantage of an oversight on his part to repel the attack, but succumbed to an attack on the bottom left corner, and missed out an attack on my left, thus causing me to lose by 8 moku. A pity, really.
These 7 games gave me lots of experience, and have made me more confident in myself. Though I know I've got a long way to go, I now know that not all players are like Miss Cho, a seemingly unshakable and infallible robot of a player. They make mistakes, just as I do, and if I'm alert, I'm able to capitalize on them to take the game. It's been a fun, fruitful and educational day.
As a side note, I suspect melancholy is creeping up on me. I don't know whether it's the loneliness, or the sense of disconnect and distance between myself and those around me, Should I ignore it? Perhaps it'll go away
During normal trainings, I'm usually very hesitant to place my seeds, as I'm afraid of making the wrong move, and constantly feel the need to check with the coach and the more experienced players as to their validity. This notion was thrown out of my head the moment my first match begins. Facing a ruthless opponent who's only desire is to cut your pieces apart and gobble you whole, you can't help but have more confidence in your moves, and to maintain your composure even when you're having a hard time withstanding the onslaught.
I also learned to maintain my focus. Blunders occur; that's a fact of life. It's what you do after the blunder, whether you're able to recollect yourself after that blunder and gear yourself towards salvaging the solution that determines victory or defeat. This happened to me several times. After making a mistake that cost me a corner, I had to retain my focus and composure and fight to the bitter end, eventually edging out my opponent to win me the game by a small margin. If I had resigned myself earlier, I would definitely not have been able to salvage the game.
Keep your pieces connected. Another important lesson, learned through several painful mistakes. sometimes a false eye just isn't going to cut it, and getting cut at a vital spot due to a moment's oversight can be a really painful experience indeed. In fact, this is what cost me victory in the last round, and my shot at an 8th place medal. So, don't make big moves, don't rush in brashly, and remember to keep those pieces connected. Only then will there be a solid framework to mount an attack from.
Since we were playing on the 13x13 board, the area is much smaller, and thus I realized the importance of capturing and securing the sides before fighting for the center area. However, this perception was violently challenged in my 6th game by a canny opponent who managed to push my lines to the side and capture the center. It was only through a stroke of inspiration that I managed to plant a group in his area that survived, thus giving me enough territory to win, albeit by a relatively small margin. It was a close game that really tested my composure and mental stamina.
Overall, I'm proud of my showing at the competition, since all the other competitors were part of the Singapore Weiqi Association Youth Connection and had significantly more support and experience. Although my first set was messy, I really learned from it and edged to victory in the second after my opponent missed something. I then dominated the flow in the third, only to lose in the fourth after a weak opening coupled with a series of bad decision. The fifth was a desperate scramble for territory which I just barely won, and the sixth was a mentally taxing battle of wits, where my opponent managed to bag some territory for himself and then proceeded to mount an admirable attack on mine. I held firm at the right and managed to take advantage of an oversight on his part to repel the attack, but succumbed to an attack on the bottom left corner, and missed out an attack on my left, thus causing me to lose by 8 moku. A pity, really.
These 7 games gave me lots of experience, and have made me more confident in myself. Though I know I've got a long way to go, I now know that not all players are like Miss Cho, a seemingly unshakable and infallible robot of a player. They make mistakes, just as I do, and if I'm alert, I'm able to capitalize on them to take the game. It's been a fun, fruitful and educational day.
As a side note, I suspect melancholy is creeping up on me. I don't know whether it's the loneliness, or the sense of disconnect and distance between myself and those around me, Should I ignore it? Perhaps it'll go away
Friday, August 13, 2010
PW's cropping up, and it seems like things're in shambles. Vague concepts which I can barely grasp, which Mr Koh keep talking about, just confuse me, and drive me further into desperation. It is at these times I see what kind of person I am, and oh my, I don't like myself one bit. When faced with adversity, the fight-or-flight response is only natural. Thus when driven into a corner, when the latter is taken out of the equation, taking up the former might seem to be intuitive to most. I am not one of them. I have come to realize that when driven into a corner, I try to fight. I try, but not with my best efforts. After that feeble effort, I just turn inwards, ignoring the source of adversity to the best of my ability. This disgusts me, but I don't really know what I can do about it. Fight?
Shooting posture's changed slightly, now I've gotta stand with my legs spread wider, and draw back my hip more. I can't really find where my elbow's supposed to go that well as of yet, and that's been giving me some trouble. But I realized that I don't have to get the location exactly right, just about there's good enough. If the alignment's off, just put the gun down and do it all over again. Patience's the operative word here xD. 3 phases after raising the gun: adjusting elbow positioning and basic body stability, then the phase before the cheek down action, where I put my cheek on the rest but don't go down fully. Feel that my left arm is straight and relaxed, and that my right shoulder's relaxed too. General feeling of body stability should be present too. After that, cheek down fully, while making sure that that feeling is unaffected, and that energy distribution isn't disturbed. Check alignment. Re-do if it's off. Just concentrate on that feeling and the awareness of the "energy" as I trigger.
And everything just goes round and round, round and round, up and down, up and down
And I can't help but wonder
Has anything really changed?
Shooting posture's changed slightly, now I've gotta stand with my legs spread wider, and draw back my hip more. I can't really find where my elbow's supposed to go that well as of yet, and that's been giving me some trouble. But I realized that I don't have to get the location exactly right, just about there's good enough. If the alignment's off, just put the gun down and do it all over again. Patience's the operative word here xD. 3 phases after raising the gun: adjusting elbow positioning and basic body stability, then the phase before the cheek down action, where I put my cheek on the rest but don't go down fully. Feel that my left arm is straight and relaxed, and that my right shoulder's relaxed too. General feeling of body stability should be present too. After that, cheek down fully, while making sure that that feeling is unaffected, and that energy distribution isn't disturbed. Check alignment. Re-do if it's off. Just concentrate on that feeling and the awareness of the "energy" as I trigger.
And everything just goes round and round, round and round, up and down, up and down
And I can't help but wonder
Has anything really changed?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Flying Blind
Sick, confused and feeling shitty. Not the best ingredients for a happy meal out there. But I'll make do.
Every step forward in shooting comes with great amounts of effort; I'm starting to feel the pain building up in my wrist, the dull ache in the small of my back, and the occasional muscle spasms in my left arm. And yet I persist. It makes me wonder, why do I do so? and I really have no answer.
And of life in general, what am I doing? What do I want? Such simple questions which I cant even begin to answer.
So many things impinging upon my happy zone, work, shooting, people, miscellaneous stuff, and they really make me question, make me wonder: Is happiness a state of mind, or just a feeling? I've always believed in the former, but these things are making it really hard to do so. These things tug inexorably upon my heartstrings, and no matter how hard I try to divorce them, it's an uphill task.
And we set out with so much conviction,
the flame burning brightly in our eyes.
But the print're barely cold,
the journey's barely begun,
And doubt's clouded our vision,
the flame's reduced to embers,
Is this all we had within us?
Every step forward in shooting comes with great amounts of effort; I'm starting to feel the pain building up in my wrist, the dull ache in the small of my back, and the occasional muscle spasms in my left arm. And yet I persist. It makes me wonder, why do I do so? and I really have no answer.
And of life in general, what am I doing? What do I want? Such simple questions which I cant even begin to answer.
So many things impinging upon my happy zone, work, shooting, people, miscellaneous stuff, and they really make me question, make me wonder: Is happiness a state of mind, or just a feeling? I've always believed in the former, but these things are making it really hard to do so. These things tug inexorably upon my heartstrings, and no matter how hard I try to divorce them, it's an uphill task.
And we set out with so much conviction,
the flame burning brightly in our eyes.
But the print're barely cold,
the journey's barely begun,
And doubt's clouded our vision,
the flame's reduced to embers,
Is this all we had within us?
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