It's the 1 year mark. Looking back, I suppose I've come a long way from that first day, boarding the Penguin to sunny Tekong "resort" for the very first time. I've changed, as I've commented so many times, and yet some parts remain the same, as I'm made aware of (painfully so) at times.
I'm experiencing a fair bit of nostalgia, reviewing the events of the past year; not the year 2012 but rather the year in NS, though the two seem irretractably linked in my mind. It's been eventful, to say the least; most marked was the transition from civilian to soldier, the giving up of many personal freedoms, epitomized at that time by the surrendering of my pink IC (oh how I miss you, messed up fringe in the pic and all) and receiving the 11B in return, a horrible trade in all ways. Regimentation and discipline-wise, I remember how crappy I was at my drills at first, and simply getting used to staying and sharing my life with many other guys, and dealing with so many competing egos. It was always a pain to arrange my stuff to pretty exacting standards, and being made to conform was (and still is) an uncomfortable feeling. Learning weapon handling, live-firings, outfield, receiving that letter which I'll never forget, that desperate shellscrape day, that horrible night atop the hill in the middle of a lightning storm torrential rain, huddled together for comfort, that triumphant passing out parade, all memorable.
Life's different nowadays, now that it's settled into the pace of normalcy, and it's gotten...dare I say...unexciting? And a little laborious at times too. At this 1 year milestone, I find myself perhaps inevitably counting down the weeks as they pass, every Friday's a blessing, and while Sunday night is a little disappointing, we're that much closer to those revered three letters. I find it a little sad that I don't look forward to much anymore, but an interesting side effect is that without something to look forward to, I find myself looking at things alot closer, making my private observations, taking notes. It's interesting and enlightening, sometimes heartening, others depressing, but a useful little exercise nonetheless xP It's for such things I guess that I'm not writing off the next 10 months altogether, so on with it!
To be very frank though, I've too easily let myself be completely absorbed into the NS life, often to the point of neglecting all thought of what's happening outside, as well as letting certain events dictate my mood. Working on maintaining a balance between distancing myself and doing a good job will be the main task for the remaining 45% :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Life's settled into a steady rhythm, set to the ticking of the clock, the passing of days in fives and twos, week after week. I find it surprising how much my mood varies between days. Frustration to calm acceptance, as I am now. It's probably cause I'm still off the back of a pretty decent-ish weekend, and who knows where the tide will bring me tomorrow, but I'm fine, for now.
Saturday was the quiet dinner with friends, followed by pool and a drink at a bar. First time I've ever stepped into one, I was a little apprehensive at first, the music seemed too loud, blasting through the entrance and I balked for a second or so, before following Amos in to a table right beside the 'stage' in the center of everything. It felt really comfortable amidst the general chatter, nice to chill over a (pricey!) drink and take in the general atmosphere. Quite fun to pore over the menu as well, and ponder over the more interestingly named concoctions.
Sunday was subdued, run of the mill but not unenjoyable. I even enjoyed the ride back to camp, over some light talk with my bro and mum, and now, Monday, here we go again.
Saturday was the quiet dinner with friends, followed by pool and a drink at a bar. First time I've ever stepped into one, I was a little apprehensive at first, the music seemed too loud, blasting through the entrance and I balked for a second or so, before following Amos in to a table right beside the 'stage' in the center of everything. It felt really comfortable amidst the general chatter, nice to chill over a (pricey!) drink and take in the general atmosphere. Quite fun to pore over the menu as well, and ponder over the more interestingly named concoctions.
Sunday was subdued, run of the mill but not unenjoyable. I even enjoyed the ride back to camp, over some light talk with my bro and mum, and now, Monday, here we go again.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
It's a life held in stasis I suppose I don't blog much nowadays cause there doesn't seem much to blog about. Life in camp has adopted the tone of work, work, work, though there are the occasional highlights and such, it somehow seems a little strange to write about them here. But of course that's what I'll do now, to get some stuff out of my system.
I find myself running around a lot nowadays, doing all sorts of random stuff that don't even justify noting down, and it does get a little testing at times. I still remember running around 38 for the freaking unit stocktaking, even bringing the guy all the way down to ATI and back again, simply to catch a glimpse of the tank and bridge that were parked there for the display, then going back and forth between the base, our tank shed at the other end of the unit and down to D801 (the 3 are kinda situated like the points of huge triangle) back and forth, back and forth to confirm this thing or the other, incredibly dreary, horrible weather, while nursing a cold, and on a Friday no less. Then doing something similar this week, except I had to open the tanks for him to check some components inside. After clambering in and out once, he refused to enter the rest so I had to unlock the tank, open the hatch, climb in and number off each item to him while he stood outside waiting, which is pretty much tokenism at it's best. I could have simply said everything was there and I bet he wouldn't have even bothered to verify it lol. Low-loading to bring our tank and bridge over to Nee Soon Camp for the change of command parade wasn't too bad though. It's (for now) a pretty novel experience and I always enjoy any opportunity to operate the L2 and test my proficiency; admittedly to my detriment on occasion when I find myself not up to scratch. Simply put, low-loading is to launch the bridge in package mode onto a lowbed (those things used to transport cars) and to reverse the tank onto another as well, so it's quite interesting to see how to ensure that the alignment with the lowbed is just right so it can be done successfully. Friday was the parade rehearsal itself (we'd previously had a rehearsal for the rehearsal at our coy-line itself, which I find patently hilarious), so we got up early, drew our arms in Gedong, took a bus - which arrived late and hence totally wasted our early reveille - over to Nee Soon, apparently it didn't matter that we arrived late cause the rehearsal hadn't even started yet, where we proceeded with the rehearsal. Um..I mean rehearsalS. It just went on and on and on, and it was hilarious in a perverse sense to see them try it out with different parade commanders, contingent commanders etc, and to watch the parade commander (a major) salute a master sergeant who was standing in as the fake CoA. Freaking funny. More of a joke though to see those who obviously hadn't rehearsed the commands, or those up on the stage who were treating it like a game of sorts, playing at who'd get to "be" the CoA or incoming outgoing Chief Engineers next, with no regard for those of us working on our tan in the parade square. The spectacle ended at 1730, but since the bus was indented only for 1900, which couldn't be pushed earlier, we had to hang around. And hang around somemore, cause apparently the bus broke down (the driver didn't check that he had enough diesel apparently, and got stuck somewhere) until we eventually left Nee Soon at 2000. You'd think that was the end of it, but nope, we had to return to Gedong once more to send our weapons before getting changed and finally being allowed to bookout at 2120.
The strange thing is that I'm already numb to all of this. Back in BMT, SCS and even ETI, weekends were something precious and to be treasured. Bookout timings were sacrosanct and we'd do anything to have them as early as possible. Perhaps now after a year as a soldier, I don't really give a shit anymore. Or maybe we're so used to this kind of crap happening that we don't give it a second thought. You just do it (TM Nike) and if things don't turn out well, well, that's just too bad. Complaining has been patently useless so why bother? It scares me somewhat, cause I seem to have lost something vital. That little spark which would speak up when I saw something obviously wrong. It might seem to be a good thing but I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I can't quite articulate it clearly but there's this frustration that builds up within me, when I have to accept things as naturally being shitty and myself being able to do nothing about it. It accumulates within the numbness, contradictory though it may sound, and I find myself getting more sensitive to the most innocuous of things and harbouring certain negative thoughts in my head. If army has thought me one thing, it's how susceptible I am to my more emotional/primitive side, despite what the rational portion may claim.
And I'm just going round and round in circles, little little circles, and I'm not quite sure how to break out. I want to rediscover the freshness of life, the fascination and basic appreciation of the most mundane things. I try to be thankful for the things I have, and I really am, but I think what I crave the most is stimulation of some kind, not just the frustrating work-related interactions, or the casual hi-bye let's talk bout how shag the day has been, or listening to the reasoning of the self-absorbed, maybe that's it. And I can try to numb myself with meaningless stimuli, manga, games, not-so-sophisticated literature, but that doesn't help much at all. It doesn't help much but I'll do it anyway I guess, for reasons I honestly know not why.
I find myself running around a lot nowadays, doing all sorts of random stuff that don't even justify noting down, and it does get a little testing at times. I still remember running around 38 for the freaking unit stocktaking, even bringing the guy all the way down to ATI and back again, simply to catch a glimpse of the tank and bridge that were parked there for the display, then going back and forth between the base, our tank shed at the other end of the unit and down to D801 (the 3 are kinda situated like the points of huge triangle) back and forth, back and forth to confirm this thing or the other, incredibly dreary, horrible weather, while nursing a cold, and on a Friday no less. Then doing something similar this week, except I had to open the tanks for him to check some components inside. After clambering in and out once, he refused to enter the rest so I had to unlock the tank, open the hatch, climb in and number off each item to him while he stood outside waiting, which is pretty much tokenism at it's best. I could have simply said everything was there and I bet he wouldn't have even bothered to verify it lol. Low-loading to bring our tank and bridge over to Nee Soon Camp for the change of command parade wasn't too bad though. It's (for now) a pretty novel experience and I always enjoy any opportunity to operate the L2 and test my proficiency; admittedly to my detriment on occasion when I find myself not up to scratch. Simply put, low-loading is to launch the bridge in package mode onto a lowbed (those things used to transport cars) and to reverse the tank onto another as well, so it's quite interesting to see how to ensure that the alignment with the lowbed is just right so it can be done successfully. Friday was the parade rehearsal itself (we'd previously had a rehearsal for the rehearsal at our coy-line itself, which I find patently hilarious), so we got up early, drew our arms in Gedong, took a bus - which arrived late and hence totally wasted our early reveille - over to Nee Soon, apparently it didn't matter that we arrived late cause the rehearsal hadn't even started yet, where we proceeded with the rehearsal. Um..I mean rehearsalS. It just went on and on and on, and it was hilarious in a perverse sense to see them try it out with different parade commanders, contingent commanders etc, and to watch the parade commander (a major) salute a master sergeant who was standing in as the fake CoA. Freaking funny. More of a joke though to see those who obviously hadn't rehearsed the commands, or those up on the stage who were treating it like a game of sorts, playing at who'd get to "be" the CoA or incoming outgoing Chief Engineers next, with no regard for those of us working on our tan in the parade square. The spectacle ended at 1730, but since the bus was indented only for 1900, which couldn't be pushed earlier, we had to hang around. And hang around somemore, cause apparently the bus broke down (the driver didn't check that he had enough diesel apparently, and got stuck somewhere) until we eventually left Nee Soon at 2000. You'd think that was the end of it, but nope, we had to return to Gedong once more to send our weapons before getting changed and finally being allowed to bookout at 2120.
The strange thing is that I'm already numb to all of this. Back in BMT, SCS and even ETI, weekends were something precious and to be treasured. Bookout timings were sacrosanct and we'd do anything to have them as early as possible. Perhaps now after a year as a soldier, I don't really give a shit anymore. Or maybe we're so used to this kind of crap happening that we don't give it a second thought. You just do it (TM Nike) and if things don't turn out well, well, that's just too bad. Complaining has been patently useless so why bother? It scares me somewhat, cause I seem to have lost something vital. That little spark which would speak up when I saw something obviously wrong. It might seem to be a good thing but I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I can't quite articulate it clearly but there's this frustration that builds up within me, when I have to accept things as naturally being shitty and myself being able to do nothing about it. It accumulates within the numbness, contradictory though it may sound, and I find myself getting more sensitive to the most innocuous of things and harbouring certain negative thoughts in my head. If army has thought me one thing, it's how susceptible I am to my more emotional/primitive side, despite what the rational portion may claim.
And I'm just going round and round in circles, little little circles, and I'm not quite sure how to break out. I want to rediscover the freshness of life, the fascination and basic appreciation of the most mundane things. I try to be thankful for the things I have, and I really am, but I think what I crave the most is stimulation of some kind, not just the frustrating work-related interactions, or the casual hi-bye let's talk bout how shag the day has been, or listening to the reasoning of the self-absorbed, maybe that's it. And I can try to numb myself with meaningless stimuli, manga, games, not-so-sophisticated literature, but that doesn't help much at all. It doesn't help much but I'll do it anyway I guess, for reasons I honestly know not why.
Monday, January 14, 2013
New year resolutions (to be edited as I go along):
- To fulfill and discharge my role as a spec with some modicum of pride and accountability, cause that's the least I can do
- To reach that precious 301113 without any further incidents, to have a safe and smooth ORD
- To improve my fitness, generally speaking my current condition is unacceptable.
- To persevere in the face of adversity, and to react to it not with frustration but polite resistance.
- To be persistent in pursuing my interests without dragging my feet.
2012
A little late for reflections, but here they are:
2012 was a crazy year, the first out of school after so long, but no less uneventful, and no less educational.
NS was of course the highlight of the year, and it was honestly a very eye-opening experience, where I lost much of my naivete. Of course I always knew that people thought differently, worked differently etc but unlike prior experience where it was always possible to find some common ground; a shared motivation for that A (or maybe RI peeps just aren't so diverse after all) there was none. And I realized how tough it can be to work against such inertia, as well as how tempting it is to get sucked up in it as well. It really can be quite frustrating. I ran into a pretty interesting type of personality too. While in BMT and SCS I got very familiar with the kind of person who's perfectly contented to sit back and let you do all the dirty work, secure in the knowledge that none of it mattered to them the slightest bit, there's a special kind of person who's unwilling to let that happen. For some reason or another, it makes them feel insecure to see you putting in so much effort - maybe they think it makes them look bad or something, I wouldn't know - and yet they aren't willing to compete by raising the bar. So they seek to neutralize you, pull you down with them, in many subtle ways, by being discouraging, disparaging, diminishing and trying to neuter your capability. It's good I guess, to know that such people exist, and see them for what they are. They aren't bad people by any means, which is why it's so hard to deal with them sometimes, and it's caused me to lose my cool on a couple of occasions.
It may sound like I've gone paranoid, and in some way I suppose I have. I'm much less inclined to give people the benefit of doubt nowadays, I'm less patient and much more likely to get frustrated too, though I may not always show it. I've changed, in so many ways that a complete catalog of them is not only impossible, but also futile, as I find that I still am.
The first few months of NS were a whirlwind of activity, so many new faces popping up here and there, and having met so many people within such a relatively short period of time, I'm really treasuring my friends, both those that I had, and those friendships newly forged. It's not an easy thing, and sometimes it's completely incidental. Some people you may spend months with yet may be unable to hit it off with, and others you gel with in weeks. I'm glad to say I made friends who I honestly and truly love, friends who I can freely share my thoughts with. I'll forever miss those carefree nights in bunk, just sitting round HTHT-ing. It's quite disheartening then, to see how we've fallen apart having gone our separate ways after SCS, and there never seems to be the time to catch up, and I can't help but feel that even if we do, things will never be the same. I feel immensely fortunate to have held onto some friends amidst all this change, Jack Amos Angie Merv, I can't say how happy I am that we still go out ever so often, and how thankful I am that you're around to make fun of me when I take myself too seriously. Sometimes when we're together I find myself quiet at moments, wondering how long it can last, but that's hardly the correct mindset to have in awesome company, so I try to banish it quickly. I'm of course incredibly thankful to my family for all the support and understanding they've given me, and for above all, giving me somewhere to come back to, after a possibly shitty week in camp. Every week, without fail, my mum and dad brave an hour long round trip to send me to camp, it's a huge pain but they don't say anything about it. Sometimes I take it way too fore-granted and it needs reminding.
Mention must be made of how I screwed up some relationships by being overeager, and others by being overly cold. Some things once done can't be taken back, no matter how much you regret them; there's only so much spilled milk you can lap up, and it'll taste foul no matter what you do, so I can only move on from here and behave more maturely. NYJSIUTK
A year on from the As, I find it striking how little my results actually matter to me. I know it's unfair to say so especially given how I did, but that's simply how it seems. Of course I was elated when I got them, but following my rejection by NUS I seem to have lost all sense of direction in that regard. I know that there's something beyond NS, however with my eyes laid upon the weeks stretching before me, I can't quite see past them with any great certainty. But it's always easier to dawdle and dither at the same spot without taking action, so this year I'll be more proactive, make myself more involved and see where that brings me.
2012 was a crazy year, the first out of school after so long, but no less uneventful, and no less educational.
NS was of course the highlight of the year, and it was honestly a very eye-opening experience, where I lost much of my naivete. Of course I always knew that people thought differently, worked differently etc but unlike prior experience where it was always possible to find some common ground; a shared motivation for that A (or maybe RI peeps just aren't so diverse after all) there was none. And I realized how tough it can be to work against such inertia, as well as how tempting it is to get sucked up in it as well. It really can be quite frustrating. I ran into a pretty interesting type of personality too. While in BMT and SCS I got very familiar with the kind of person who's perfectly contented to sit back and let you do all the dirty work, secure in the knowledge that none of it mattered to them the slightest bit, there's a special kind of person who's unwilling to let that happen. For some reason or another, it makes them feel insecure to see you putting in so much effort - maybe they think it makes them look bad or something, I wouldn't know - and yet they aren't willing to compete by raising the bar. So they seek to neutralize you, pull you down with them, in many subtle ways, by being discouraging, disparaging, diminishing and trying to neuter your capability. It's good I guess, to know that such people exist, and see them for what they are. They aren't bad people by any means, which is why it's so hard to deal with them sometimes, and it's caused me to lose my cool on a couple of occasions.
It may sound like I've gone paranoid, and in some way I suppose I have. I'm much less inclined to give people the benefit of doubt nowadays, I'm less patient and much more likely to get frustrated too, though I may not always show it. I've changed, in so many ways that a complete catalog of them is not only impossible, but also futile, as I find that I still am.
The first few months of NS were a whirlwind of activity, so many new faces popping up here and there, and having met so many people within such a relatively short period of time, I'm really treasuring my friends, both those that I had, and those friendships newly forged. It's not an easy thing, and sometimes it's completely incidental. Some people you may spend months with yet may be unable to hit it off with, and others you gel with in weeks. I'm glad to say I made friends who I honestly and truly love, friends who I can freely share my thoughts with. I'll forever miss those carefree nights in bunk, just sitting round HTHT-ing. It's quite disheartening then, to see how we've fallen apart having gone our separate ways after SCS, and there never seems to be the time to catch up, and I can't help but feel that even if we do, things will never be the same. I feel immensely fortunate to have held onto some friends amidst all this change, Jack Amos Angie Merv, I can't say how happy I am that we still go out ever so often, and how thankful I am that you're around to make fun of me when I take myself too seriously. Sometimes when we're together I find myself quiet at moments, wondering how long it can last, but that's hardly the correct mindset to have in awesome company, so I try to banish it quickly. I'm of course incredibly thankful to my family for all the support and understanding they've given me, and for above all, giving me somewhere to come back to, after a possibly shitty week in camp. Every week, without fail, my mum and dad brave an hour long round trip to send me to camp, it's a huge pain but they don't say anything about it. Sometimes I take it way too fore-granted and it needs reminding.
Mention must be made of how I screwed up some relationships by being overeager, and others by being overly cold. Some things once done can't be taken back, no matter how much you regret them; there's only so much spilled milk you can lap up, and it'll taste foul no matter what you do, so I can only move on from here and behave more maturely. NYJSIUTK
A year on from the As, I find it striking how little my results actually matter to me. I know it's unfair to say so especially given how I did, but that's simply how it seems. Of course I was elated when I got them, but following my rejection by NUS I seem to have lost all sense of direction in that regard. I know that there's something beyond NS, however with my eyes laid upon the weeks stretching before me, I can't quite see past them with any great certainty. But it's always easier to dawdle and dither at the same spot without taking action, so this year I'll be more proactive, make myself more involved and see where that brings me.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
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