Hmm. It's not been a fantastic few months, but then again late nights (if not spent caught up in work or in a stupor in front of my com) then to be times for ponderance and more-often-than-not regret, so I wouldn't take my words at face value if I were you.
Hospital attachment is just a continuous flood of experiences, I just know that if I fail to (and I have been, more often than not) pause and take stock of the things I find particularly meaningful, that they'll just end up washed away in the deluge.
So many more things to do, much to change, for awhile now, there's been the strangest sensation of guilt as I glance at my reflection in the mirror, as if there's always something I'm not quite living up to.
That's enough self-pity for now, time to return to the more mundane things, back to reading about mammary conditions, diagnosis and management. It'd be interesting to think about desensitization after seeing things day in, day out, but I find myself past the point where I'd find it worth commenting upon, right now :)
Mmm, just an afterthought I could, should, and will dedicate a lot more effort towards appreciating the place and stage of life that I'm at now, to find fulfillment in and recognize the things that I gain and learn each day I spend in the hospital, be in going for rounds, going solo around the wards to speak to patients, or heading to the OT to watch procedures getting done.
Edit: I feel compelled to add, perhaps as a personal reminder, that cliched though it may be, to be able to study and practice Medicine is a great privilege, one that I fail to appreciate as often as I should as I get sucked up into my day-to-day activities. And this sentiment has only gotten amplified over the past 3 (like seriously, it's already been THREE MONTHS) months at TTSH. Fitting everything into the clinical context, finding out that there's still so much more to learn and discover (which has been harrowing at times, I confess), and above all, the interactions with patients, each one so precious. Precious. I always find it a pity that this head, and heart of mine possesses not the ability to viscerally recall these interactions, especially those which I felt, at the point of speaking, ought to have some life-altering impact. It happens, and I know and understand that it's inevitable that this is the case, it just takes awhile to shake off the feeling that I'm not doing them justice by failing to do so. But precious, nonetheless. I'd share more, sometime, eventually, for myself, if nothing more. We do make case records, for submission to the school, but in those, we focus so much more on the clinical, medical aspects, that the things which should make the patient unique in my eyes aren't really given the opportunity to standout, if they do surface at all. (It's been written about, in ways more eloquently than mine, so I shan't belabour the point, and to only say that I'll share that which I may, in time.)
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Been going through a bit of an apathetic phase lately, not too sure whether to chalk it down to adjustment issues or some familial issues which I may or may not write about some time down the road, but I really shouldn't let this go on for much longer. It's a phase of my life, education etc which should really be the most meaningful and there's so much to live and learn so time to get myself stuck in and get along with it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Use it or lose it (Happy Birthday to Me ><)
So. 22. Not quite the magic number of 21 but still the second palindrome of my life.
It's quite a pity (personally, at least) that I haven't been more diligent in marking down the milestones of sorts for the past year or so, borne idk out of some strange apathy.
It'd probably be an interesting exercise to take a look back through these archives for a peek into the head of my teen-aged self, and to have a think about what's happened since then. We learned, in our pseudo-psyche lessons (and I hope Jack'd be able to corroborate with a much more well articulated and qualified opinion) that the human brain undergoes profound changes as it matures (and ages); for instance in the way it processes and responds to information. I'll just leave a note here about the whole Fluid intelligence vs. Crystalline intelligence, and changes in aging for future research, or in case someone's interested. And I must say that as someone transiting from the arrogance and impetuousness of youth, I find even the thought of these changes decidedly unpleasant. So much for graceful aging :P
Even more disconcerting is the fact that should I turn the lens inwards, I begin to see evidence of these in my thoughts and actions, a narrowing of my world view, a more strongly polarized moral compass, as well as a decreased impetus to change (typified perhaps by this marked inability to drop this habitual abuse of the blasted rule of three) - I kid. But anyways, it's just something I have to remind myself to keep an eye on, and perhaps use as additional resolve (as if any were needed) - that if things are hard to change now, they'll be even harder to change in the future, so I'd better change anything that I find unappealing, lest I lapse into compromise mode; which I'd really rather not get into.
All in all, not my most well put together post, but I'll have to end it now, a full day of clinicals awaits, and that, I'll leave for another day.
It's quite a pity (personally, at least) that I haven't been more diligent in marking down the milestones of sorts for the past year or so, borne idk out of some strange apathy.
It'd probably be an interesting exercise to take a look back through these archives for a peek into the head of my teen-aged self, and to have a think about what's happened since then. We learned, in our pseudo-psyche lessons (and I hope Jack'd be able to corroborate with a much more well articulated and qualified opinion) that the human brain undergoes profound changes as it matures (and ages); for instance in the way it processes and responds to information. I'll just leave a note here about the whole Fluid intelligence vs. Crystalline intelligence, and changes in aging for future research, or in case someone's interested. And I must say that as someone transiting from the arrogance and impetuousness of youth, I find even the thought of these changes decidedly unpleasant. So much for graceful aging :P
Even more disconcerting is the fact that should I turn the lens inwards, I begin to see evidence of these in my thoughts and actions, a narrowing of my world view, a more strongly polarized moral compass, as well as a decreased impetus to change (typified perhaps by this marked inability to drop this habitual abuse of the blasted rule of three) - I kid. But anyways, it's just something I have to remind myself to keep an eye on, and perhaps use as additional resolve (as if any were needed) - that if things are hard to change now, they'll be even harder to change in the future, so I'd better change anything that I find unappealing, lest I lapse into compromise mode; which I'd really rather not get into.
All in all, not my most well put together post, but I'll have to end it now, a full day of clinicals awaits, and that, I'll leave for another day.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Hmm since I have some time in this strange period between having read my notes for tomorrow, watching an Arsenal v Chelsea match of all things and setting my head down to bed, guess I'll spend some of it on this thing that's happened to me over just over a year or so.
Being in a relationship really teaches ALOT and I suppose it has conferred on me some degree of maturity, one way or another. An emotional maturity, rather than a purely cognitive one. I could elaborate a little further, but I'm being a little lazy so here's what I have for now. A cognitive maturity, to me, represents an attempt, at the very least, to see things from multiple perspectives, to be able to state and defend one's views in an articulate manner whilst still retaining the humility to fess up when you think you could be wrong. Emotional maturity, on the other hand, is tempering this with kindness and self-awareness, and this happens, almost inevitably - or maybe I should say as a self-preservation mechanism? hehe - when you start incorporating another person so inextricably into your life. I may be splitting hairs somewhat, I must confess. Just take this as my attempt to explain, albeit haphazardly, that I feel like my personal developmental trajectory has been quite noticeably different from previous years.
It's a good thing, I hope.
Being in a relationship really teaches ALOT and I suppose it has conferred on me some degree of maturity, one way or another. An emotional maturity, rather than a purely cognitive one. I could elaborate a little further, but I'm being a little lazy so here's what I have for now. A cognitive maturity, to me, represents an attempt, at the very least, to see things from multiple perspectives, to be able to state and defend one's views in an articulate manner whilst still retaining the humility to fess up when you think you could be wrong. Emotional maturity, on the other hand, is tempering this with kindness and self-awareness, and this happens, almost inevitably - or maybe I should say as a self-preservation mechanism? hehe - when you start incorporating another person so inextricably into your life. I may be splitting hairs somewhat, I must confess. Just take this as my attempt to explain, albeit haphazardly, that I feel like my personal developmental trajectory has been quite noticeably different from previous years.
It's a good thing, I hope.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
A reminder to self to be more sensitive and to take neither people nor things (especially people) for granted.
I've been in a daze socially for awhile now, not sure how that's gonna change in the future but the last thing I can afford to do is let myself become even more calloused than I've already become.
The heart needs to come from somewhere, amidst these days that blend one into another, so easy to get lost in time.
A pretty meh if not painful CNY this time round, shan't go into the details but I really should have known better, I need to just be able to 看得开 and let some things slide without getting myself so worked up over them. It's always a fine line we tread, you don't always want to let things go when you could potentially affect them for the better, yet it's definitely pointless and tortuous (oh how the meaning of that word has changed since entering LKC) to care too much when you can't. Maybe knowing when is in itself a kind of wisdom.
Ah and time, how cruel thou art. I could carry on in this vein and wax lyrical albeit stereotypically about how no soul can escape it's grasp, how even the mightiest are wrought to dust and memories becoming just that, memories, no more, no less, to fade furthermore with its relentless passage. And I guess I have, to some extent, but to romanticize it would be to distance myself from the perception of its effects, it's tempting, I must admit but no. It just sucks, you know. To come to the stark and painful realization that some things are gone, and that all I'm able to do is regret, that I never adequately cherished them while I had the chance. I once wrote about the human capability to adapt, cockroaches (well not quite) that we are, and perhaps I will, the thought itself, that I could come to find it acceptable is repulsive to my mind, yet I know I will; it still sucks though, truly.
Not the most coherent of posts, and for that you must forgive me, stuff to get off my chest and in truth I just came on to write the first sentence, and the rest just came flowing out, whether in a wave of eloquence spilling forth, rolling off the tip of my tongue or a splatter of verbal diarrhea coming out the other end I'll leave you guys to judge. Do post a comment or something, anything in the box-like thingy to the left, I'd love to know if anyone I've lost touch with still sees fit to follow this more-than-half dead blog of mine. Till then~
I've been in a daze socially for awhile now, not sure how that's gonna change in the future but the last thing I can afford to do is let myself become even more calloused than I've already become.
The heart needs to come from somewhere, amidst these days that blend one into another, so easy to get lost in time.
A pretty meh if not painful CNY this time round, shan't go into the details but I really should have known better, I need to just be able to 看得开 and let some things slide without getting myself so worked up over them. It's always a fine line we tread, you don't always want to let things go when you could potentially affect them for the better, yet it's definitely pointless and tortuous (oh how the meaning of that word has changed since entering LKC) to care too much when you can't. Maybe knowing when is in itself a kind of wisdom.
Ah and time, how cruel thou art. I could carry on in this vein and wax lyrical albeit stereotypically about how no soul can escape it's grasp, how even the mightiest are wrought to dust and memories becoming just that, memories, no more, no less, to fade furthermore with its relentless passage. And I guess I have, to some extent, but to romanticize it would be to distance myself from the perception of its effects, it's tempting, I must admit but no. It just sucks, you know. To come to the stark and painful realization that some things are gone, and that all I'm able to do is regret, that I never adequately cherished them while I had the chance. I once wrote about the human capability to adapt, cockroaches (well not quite) that we are, and perhaps I will, the thought itself, that I could come to find it acceptable is repulsive to my mind, yet I know I will; it still sucks though, truly.
Not the most coherent of posts, and for that you must forgive me, stuff to get off my chest and in truth I just came on to write the first sentence, and the rest just came flowing out, whether in a wave of eloquence spilling forth, rolling off the tip of my tongue or a splatter of verbal diarrhea coming out the other end I'll leave you guys to judge. Do post a comment or something, anything in the box-like thingy to the left, I'd love to know if anyone I've lost touch with still sees fit to follow this more-than-half dead blog of mine. Till then~
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
2014 - A Year in Review (Well, not quite)
Well first off, my apologies to readers who've been absolutely dying to know what's going on in the life of this (relatively) insignificant individual over here; I've been lax in my 'duties'. Semi-sarcastic apologies aside, it's been really long since I last dedicated myself towards a post like this, and with the 2015 already almost a week old, I thought that it's prime time to do so. Moving on...
Unlike previous years past, I haven't really found myself taking the time to look back and reflect on the past year, and whilst in the shower a few moments ago, it was with some not-entirely-mock-horror that I realized that I can only begin to pick out and identify key events with some difficulty. Even worse is that with the drought of posts in the year 2014, I find myself bereft of the safety net of simply taking a trip back in time to peruse my archives of events past.
^ Point 1
Point 2:
Now to make a quick reference to an article I came across pretty recently (on FB, because it seems like it's been my only source of relatively quality thought-provoking articles for a while now, which I guess is a damning indictment of the levels to which I have stooped): Why Each Year Seems to Disappear More Quickly Than the Last
Based upon the pretty interesting premise/observation of time seeming to pass more quickly as we age, what struck me more in the article was more to do with how we perceive experiences:
Firstly, that experiences tend to be more intense the first time we encounter them, with the intensity diminishing with a 'Habituation hypothesis' and perhaps more significantly, the later segment about how we can slow down time, which IMO can pretty much be translated to 'How can we better enjoy and experience life'. Listed strategies include Looking for the beauty in things, Limiting multitasking, Enjoying the present moment and Seeking out new experiences. Now, this is very much not a one-size fits all approach; not all of us may possess the wherewithal to Seek Out New Experiences (SONE from now on, acronyms are Sooooo fun) nor may it be feasible to do so, but the rest do seem pretty doable for the everyman.
How does this fit in?
Well I think one of the last few times I posted, I mentioned something about trying to live in the moment more and being in some ways a little less distant/reflective. Now, I'm not saying that typing that has influenced the way I've been doing things since, but I've definitely noticed that in the way I've been approaching and thinking about things in the past months. I'm not going to say whether that's been good or bad, because I've definitely enjoyed myself, but it's just that I'm beginning to swing back the other way in that I now (once again) see the importance of thinking back (or rather more superficially, taking the time to collect my thoughts and put them down somewhere, blogging, for example) and trying to at least get an impression of or to capture the moment so to speak, as it lends a greater (for lack of a better word) rigor towards experiencing the moment, in not just letting yourself be swept along in the flow of time but in doing all you can to absorb and take it all in as you go along, that's the way I'm starting to see it. So in this new year, I suppose one of my largest resolutions, if you wanna call it that, would be to not just live out these moments in my life but to live in them, and perhaps take some time at the end of the day/week to tell myself, THIS is something significant (to me) that I did today, and hopefully this will give me a better grip on reality and more snippets to tether me along in this flow of time.
So I'll start off:
The last couple of days of the two week hols were pretty much spent working - Working on studying the anatomy of the components of the head involved in mastication, taste and so on. It wasn't exactly the toughest thing I've worked at in LKC so far, but I somehow felt more satisfied than usual with the amount of effort I put into trying to understand it, and in being less dismissive of things than I had been in previous anatomy sessions. I was thus pretty pleased during the practical session where I was able to follow most of the material covered. It's a pretty stupid thing to be pleased about; I know that my preparatory work for this session was probably for others the amount of effort they've been putting in all along but at least to me it shows me a way forwards and if I'm able to carry on in this vein I'll give myself a pass.
Not quite a review of 2014 or rather not really a review, but for some reason I'm not quite inclined to look backwards right now so this will have to do.
Till next time, ciao
Unlike previous years past, I haven't really found myself taking the time to look back and reflect on the past year, and whilst in the shower a few moments ago, it was with some not-entirely-mock-horror that I realized that I can only begin to pick out and identify key events with some difficulty. Even worse is that with the drought of posts in the year 2014, I find myself bereft of the safety net of simply taking a trip back in time to peruse my archives of events past.
^ Point 1
Point 2:
Now to make a quick reference to an article I came across pretty recently (on FB, because it seems like it's been my only source of relatively quality thought-provoking articles for a while now, which I guess is a damning indictment of the levels to which I have stooped): Why Each Year Seems to Disappear More Quickly Than the Last
Based upon the pretty interesting premise/observation of time seeming to pass more quickly as we age, what struck me more in the article was more to do with how we perceive experiences:
Firstly, that experiences tend to be more intense the first time we encounter them, with the intensity diminishing with a 'Habituation hypothesis' and perhaps more significantly, the later segment about how we can slow down time, which IMO can pretty much be translated to 'How can we better enjoy and experience life'. Listed strategies include Looking for the beauty in things, Limiting multitasking, Enjoying the present moment and Seeking out new experiences. Now, this is very much not a one-size fits all approach; not all of us may possess the wherewithal to Seek Out New Experiences (SONE from now on, acronyms are Sooooo fun) nor may it be feasible to do so, but the rest do seem pretty doable for the everyman.
How does this fit in?
Well I think one of the last few times I posted, I mentioned something about trying to live in the moment more and being in some ways a little less distant/reflective. Now, I'm not saying that typing that has influenced the way I've been doing things since, but I've definitely noticed that in the way I've been approaching and thinking about things in the past months. I'm not going to say whether that's been good or bad, because I've definitely enjoyed myself, but it's just that I'm beginning to swing back the other way in that I now (once again) see the importance of thinking back (or rather more superficially, taking the time to collect my thoughts and put them down somewhere, blogging, for example) and trying to at least get an impression of or to capture the moment so to speak, as it lends a greater (for lack of a better word) rigor towards experiencing the moment, in not just letting yourself be swept along in the flow of time but in doing all you can to absorb and take it all in as you go along, that's the way I'm starting to see it. So in this new year, I suppose one of my largest resolutions, if you wanna call it that, would be to not just live out these moments in my life but to live in them, and perhaps take some time at the end of the day/week to tell myself, THIS is something significant (to me) that I did today, and hopefully this will give me a better grip on reality and more snippets to tether me along in this flow of time.
So I'll start off:
The last couple of days of the two week hols were pretty much spent working - Working on studying the anatomy of the components of the head involved in mastication, taste and so on. It wasn't exactly the toughest thing I've worked at in LKC so far, but I somehow felt more satisfied than usual with the amount of effort I put into trying to understand it, and in being less dismissive of things than I had been in previous anatomy sessions. I was thus pretty pleased during the practical session where I was able to follow most of the material covered. It's a pretty stupid thing to be pleased about; I know that my preparatory work for this session was probably for others the amount of effort they've been putting in all along but at least to me it shows me a way forwards and if I'm able to carry on in this vein I'll give myself a pass.
Not quite a review of 2014 or rather not really a review, but for some reason I'm not quite inclined to look backwards right now so this will have to do.
Till next time, ciao
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