It's not been an overly hectic start to 2013, first week of school was pretty refreshing, the sad part of our hols is that 2 weeks isn't enough to do much but yet long enough to begin feeling the boredom of staying and stoning at home all day. An exciting life I do not possess. So, as I was saying, it was refreshing to get into the swing of things once again, to shake off the cobwebs that accumulate as they are wont to do when the mind is idle, and to emerge from my shell to engage in some sustained human interaction, and with it the realization that perhaps I'm not as introverted as I originally thought. It gets tiring, all these conversations in my head, and bouncing ideas off of indifferent walls, after awhile, and important to listen to ideas and voices that aren't my own. I may not perform well in social situations but I definitely do get by better with rather than without them.
Well, to do justice to 2013, it was pretty much one of the most heterogeneous years I remember of my admittedly short life. Strangely enough, though with some effort I can dredge up some less than distinct memories of my time in NS, and recall vaguely some of the frustrations and difficulties I agonized over during that period, they all feel so distant now, in fact, ever since I disrupted rarely did I ever cast my mind back to those army days, perhaps the reason for the so aptly named Army Daze. They changed me, that's for sure, but I'm still not sure how and I'm also not sure I'd enjoy finding out. My med school experiences are obviously much less documented and maybe that's because of a desire to do more think less. Over-analysis has perhaps not served me as well, so I guess I'd like to immerse myself more in moments, and take things as they come and develop, rather than being cynical or attributing undue expectations to things because of my over-thinking. I've been enjoying it though, and especially just those nights watching a couple of episodes of House along with conversations rambling long into the night. I want to open myself up more to such experiences, to be the recipient of and giver of kindness with grace and to basically just be a less tightly-wound individual as a whole. And perhaps, more and more, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I have to be able to see myself as a victim of events rather than a perpetrator of the way things are, and accept that the outcome may simply be out of my control, though the what-ifs, could-have-beens and regrets do torment and threaten to overwhelm me at times.
I'm glad though, to have maintained ties with the few close friends I have, it's a little sobering to think that we'll pretty much be further scattered and have less opportunities to meet up, if ever. We'll find a way, I'm sure, and it's selfish to expect that things stay the way the are, we all have our paths to tread upon.
I guess I've already kinda alluded to what I'd like to aspire towards in this year ahead, to accept the things that happen to me with an open heart, yet to not lose heart that I do have a crucial role to play in deciding my "fate". To try to be less of an ass to the people I care for, no matter how fun it may be, and to curb, just a little, this innate impulsiveness of mine, which is quite paradoxical, really, I carefully consider things till the very last moment when it really matters, then more often than not screw up when I lose my cool. And well, not lastly, of course, because there never is an end to what we aspire towards, is there, but at least to end this off, I want to cut back on the waste in my life. I don't really know how to describe it, I was pretty sure I did while in the shower but it eludes me now, so I'll just go with this: Very often, I do things just for the sake of it, in a mind-numbing self-desensitization of sorts, which doesn't give me anything in return. Now, I'm not saying that I expect myself to be absolutely efficient and productive, but at least I'd like to be unproductive in a way that actually means something, be it me truly enjoying myself, or doing something that while not exactly savoury, does serve to toughen me up/make me stronger in some way. It's a tough ask, and I'm really not sure whether I'll have the self-discipline to go through with it, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll revert to my ways right after completing this post, but at least by putting it out here, hopefully I can begin working towards it.
PS I realize that I've omitted in some ways perhaps the most life-changing experience of all: Getting into LKCSoM, maybe because I'm still in it and it's not as simple to take a step back and say, okay, this is how it has affected me, and that's what I think/feel about it. I'm still processing, is what I want to say, and maybe I'm a little too lazy at this point to time to attempt to commit these thoughts to "paper". It's been an enriching experience, the people I've met and things I've seen, some of which have affected me to a very visceral level, I guess I'll hold on to them a little longer, let them fester, and find a way to do this when the time is right.
