An ennui i have no conceivable right to, let's just get this on shall we?
Once bitten twice shy, reactive creatures we are, fearful of getting hurt will we hurt in return?
As always balance is key.
Channeling past into future, the twin headed eagle soars, I'd do well to learn by example, the follies of years past carried away by events running around like a headless chicken, do not give what you cannot receive.
Are we to be doomed to commit the same mistakes, over and over, spiral to eternity, different times same fates, or may there be hope yet? Only time may tell. Even then, what does it matter, but blips on the grand scale of cosmic events.
But while a grain may know not upon what shore it's washed upon, all that it may know, are what other grains may rest around it; a relative certainty, and that'll haveto do. For now.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Time for that long overdue post in this time between wakefulness and sleep, though over the past few weeks my circadian rhythm has become messed up beyond recognition.
Alone would probably be a reasonable word to characterize these weeks, alone yet not quite lonely. The days seem to pass in a blur at times, perhaps because I've not been maximizing the use of my time, but that's well-trodden ground by now, something I'll avoid. I've been spending much of the time on my computer, trawling the Internet for je ne sais quoi, casting out into the wide abyss hoping for some resonance and feedback, perhaps, but emptiness can only beget emptiness, no? How ironic that amidst its depths I find nothing for myself, except those same few sites, over and over again.
Collisions with the outside world are intermittent, and not at all unwelcome, I've been to the gym and gone swimming with Mos, Merv joined us for dinner 2 Fridays past, conversations that've brought me out of my own head, the benefits of solitude aside I truly appreciate having sounding-boards for the most ridiculous or irrelevant of ideas, for casual conversation, the frank sharing of concerns, worries and sometimes dreams, does it speak more about me perhaps that I don't find this easy to do with many other people, despite attempts to be open and earnest with the people I come across? Sometimes I find the banality with which I resort to on many an occasion frankly appalling.
That said, it's been good to get toknow meet my coursemates, to begin the process of matching names to faces, and to really start to get to know them beyond the most trivial exchange of particulars and information that seems to preface any meeting; a necessary step no doubt, but one that I find particularly onerous (don't we all?). It's a common courtesy I guess, and a foundation to embark upon further conversation, though to be honest I'm not all too sure sometimes whether we're just asking for the sake of asking, and whether all this is forgotten at first parting. Others more socially adept than myself would probably be able to tell you who is from what JC, what CCA they were from etc but unfortunately such facts usually elude me without further reinforcement, which I'm making a conscious effort to rectify. Yes, Yen San, I remember that you live at Telok Blangah, though there's probably no chance of you seeing this xP
My coursemates seem like a pretty varied bunch of people, I think they're alright on a whole, perhaps there are a few who'd give Jack a run for his money, I haven't been able to tell much more from the few times we've met. The spectrum of schools and ages is pretty varied as well, the spread of JCs seems much more level than what I've been led to believe is the case with *cough*NUS*cough* though the gender ratio is horribly skewed, 8 guys : 2 girls if I'm doing my math right xP strangely enough there seem to be a lot more of us second-time applicants (AKA NUS rejects lol) than first-time ones, and that's about it in terms of demographics. First meeting was for lunch at eighteen chefs at Tiong Bahru (really good value for money, customization in terms of the dish you order etc, definitely worth going to again), second time a visit to NUS' anatomy museum, courtesy of a NUS M2's invitation, he actually told/led the supervisor to believe that we were the incoming batch of M1s to give us a tour around (oops) and offered to help us with anything we needed, questions we had, and apparently they'd offered to organize an orientation for us, which our Profs refused, a really kind gesture, though I can understand why our Profs did what they did. It was really cool to observe the preserved specimens on display in the museum, dissected and laid out to highlight the respective structures and organs, it could possibly be viewed as grotesque by some I guess, but it was obvious that it's all for educational purposes with all due respect, so nothing wrong with it from my POV. NUS students also have further anatomy hall sessions where they go into this theatre and organs from real cadavers are literally laid before them in carts and they're supposed to poke and feel around to further reinforce their learning, so it's probably imperative to quickly get over the ick factor. Something that was really impressed upon me though was the breadth and depth of what I'll have to study and be expected to be familiar with as a medical student as well as a practicing doctor in the future. It's not that I didn't have any prior expectations about it, but it really reinforced the fact that I'll have to put much work into this over the next few years and probably the rest of my life, it's a little daunting, but a challenge that I'm up for :P
The next meeting (do pardon my awkward paragraphing) was a self-organized IntroDOCtion (hurhur) held at the function room of Gabriel's condo, it's one of those ridiculously huge East Coast condo complexes, so pretty impressive stuff. And this, of course, was right after the signing of the Medical Undergraduate Agreement last Saturday, which started off with me bleary-eyed and headed to the Police Centre around 6 in the morning (note my screwed up body clock, it felt like 3 am when my mum woke me T.T) with my parents to submit an official change of address request which I'd been procrastinating on, and suddenly necessitated by the signing later that day, before heading to Yishun to collect my new spectacles, which my brother insists are totally hideous (urgh) before going to the HPB for the bond signing. The crux of the agreement basically being tying myself to serve the government for 5 years, failing which my sureties (my parents) would have to pay $500k for me to break the bond; no way that's happening lol. I managed to link up with some NTU peeps while over there and secured a ride from someone's mom (the CEO of SH and wife of the DeM no less, speak about white horses) over to the condo. Minor awkward moment when I was trying to help close the car boot, a little hesitantly because I was afraid of slamming it, only to have her open it fully once more and reach up to a button which made it close automatically. Oops. It was pretty vanilla after that, so was the meetup, around 30+ of us were there, it was more like an opportunity to mingle, familiarize a little etc before school really starts, pretty enjoyable nonetheless.
Lastly, which was yesterday, I went down with some of them to a talk held for prospective applicants at the Mandalay Campus at Novena, meet someone before that. Note to self: Never suggest to a girl to have lunch at Popeyes and other such places, quite hard to have conversation while stuffing your face with fried chicken, it probably doesn't do for a great first impression (I kid, it wasn't that bad, I hope). We got to speak to some of the faculty there, as well as horror of horrors, help to speak to some of the students present, answer some questions etc, basically to help sell the school. It was an interesting experience to put myself on the other side of the applications process for once hehe. Speaking to the profs really helped to ramp up my excitement about the start of school, the programme and pedagogy really does sound engaging, it's something that's never been done to that great an extent in Singapore; they've made full use of this opportunity to tailor the entire curriculum around it, so I absolutely can't wait for school to start. Sure, it may be more demanding, but it actually sounds fun, not just boring lectures that you sleep through most of the time or don't even have to turn up for, it's more interaction based, and structured to reinforce learning, I fervently hope we realize its potential.
Ok, I've rambled enough about school etc and I've got no wish to bore you so I'll end it here. Now, time for sleep to claim me, and perhaps I'll have dreams of sneaking among rooftops, and leaping upon unsuspecting prey, finishing them off as they turn to dust in my arms, I've been playing a fair bit of Dishonoured afterall. Great game (Y)
Alone would probably be a reasonable word to characterize these weeks, alone yet not quite lonely. The days seem to pass in a blur at times, perhaps because I've not been maximizing the use of my time, but that's well-trodden ground by now, something I'll avoid. I've been spending much of the time on my computer, trawling the Internet for je ne sais quoi, casting out into the wide abyss hoping for some resonance and feedback, perhaps, but emptiness can only beget emptiness, no? How ironic that amidst its depths I find nothing for myself, except those same few sites, over and over again.
Collisions with the outside world are intermittent, and not at all unwelcome, I've been to the gym and gone swimming with Mos, Merv joined us for dinner 2 Fridays past, conversations that've brought me out of my own head, the benefits of solitude aside I truly appreciate having sounding-boards for the most ridiculous or irrelevant of ideas, for casual conversation, the frank sharing of concerns, worries and sometimes dreams, does it speak more about me perhaps that I don't find this easy to do with many other people, despite attempts to be open and earnest with the people I come across? Sometimes I find the banality with which I resort to on many an occasion frankly appalling.
That said, it's been good to get to
My coursemates seem like a pretty varied bunch of people, I think they're alright on a whole, perhaps there are a few who'd give Jack a run for his money, I haven't been able to tell much more from the few times we've met. The spectrum of schools and ages is pretty varied as well, the spread of JCs seems much more level than what I've been led to believe is the case with *cough*NUS*cough* though the gender ratio is horribly skewed, 8 guys : 2 girls if I'm doing my math right xP strangely enough there seem to be a lot more of us second-time applicants (AKA NUS rejects lol) than first-time ones, and that's about it in terms of demographics. First meeting was for lunch at eighteen chefs at Tiong Bahru (really good value for money, customization in terms of the dish you order etc, definitely worth going to again), second time a visit to NUS' anatomy museum, courtesy of a NUS M2's invitation, he actually told/led the supervisor to believe that we were the incoming batch of M1s to give us a tour around (oops) and offered to help us with anything we needed, questions we had, and apparently they'd offered to organize an orientation for us, which our Profs refused, a really kind gesture, though I can understand why our Profs did what they did. It was really cool to observe the preserved specimens on display in the museum, dissected and laid out to highlight the respective structures and organs, it could possibly be viewed as grotesque by some I guess, but it was obvious that it's all for educational purposes with all due respect, so nothing wrong with it from my POV. NUS students also have further anatomy hall sessions where they go into this theatre and organs from real cadavers are literally laid before them in carts and they're supposed to poke and feel around to further reinforce their learning, so it's probably imperative to quickly get over the ick factor. Something that was really impressed upon me though was the breadth and depth of what I'll have to study and be expected to be familiar with as a medical student as well as a practicing doctor in the future. It's not that I didn't have any prior expectations about it, but it really reinforced the fact that I'll have to put much work into this over the next few years and probably the rest of my life, it's a little daunting, but a challenge that I'm up for :P
The next meeting (do pardon my awkward paragraphing) was a self-organized IntroDOCtion (hurhur) held at the function room of Gabriel's condo, it's one of those ridiculously huge East Coast condo complexes, so pretty impressive stuff. And this, of course, was right after the signing of the Medical Undergraduate Agreement last Saturday, which started off with me bleary-eyed and headed to the Police Centre around 6 in the morning (note my screwed up body clock, it felt like 3 am when my mum woke me T.T) with my parents to submit an official change of address request which I'd been procrastinating on, and suddenly necessitated by the signing later that day, before heading to Yishun to collect my new spectacles, which my brother insists are totally hideous (urgh) before going to the HPB for the bond signing. The crux of the agreement basically being tying myself to serve the government for 5 years, failing which my sureties (my parents) would have to pay $500k for me to break the bond; no way that's happening lol. I managed to link up with some NTU peeps while over there and secured a ride from someone's mom (the CEO of SH and wife of the DeM no less, speak about white horses) over to the condo. Minor awkward moment when I was trying to help close the car boot, a little hesitantly because I was afraid of slamming it, only to have her open it fully once more and reach up to a button which made it close automatically. Oops. It was pretty vanilla after that, so was the meetup, around 30+ of us were there, it was more like an opportunity to mingle, familiarize a little etc before school really starts, pretty enjoyable nonetheless.
Lastly, which was yesterday, I went down with some of them to a talk held for prospective applicants at the Mandalay Campus at Novena, meet someone before that. Note to self: Never suggest to a girl to have lunch at Popeyes and other such places, quite hard to have conversation while stuffing your face with fried chicken, it probably doesn't do for a great first impression (I kid, it wasn't that bad, I hope). We got to speak to some of the faculty there, as well as horror of horrors, help to speak to some of the students present, answer some questions etc, basically to help sell the school. It was an interesting experience to put myself on the other side of the applications process for once hehe. Speaking to the profs really helped to ramp up my excitement about the start of school, the programme and pedagogy really does sound engaging, it's something that's never been done to that great an extent in Singapore; they've made full use of this opportunity to tailor the entire curriculum around it, so I absolutely can't wait for school to start. Sure, it may be more demanding, but it actually sounds fun, not just boring lectures that you sleep through most of the time or don't even have to turn up for, it's more interaction based, and structured to reinforce learning, I fervently hope we realize its potential.
Ok, I've rambled enough about school etc and I've got no wish to bore you so I'll end it here. Now, time for sleep to claim me, and perhaps I'll have dreams of sneaking among rooftops, and leaping upon unsuspecting prey, finishing them off as they turn to dust in my arms, I've been playing a fair bit of Dishonoured afterall. Great game (Y)
Friday, July 19, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
QWOP (cont.)
Or perhaps it's because, cynical though I may be, some part of me recognizes that rather than peeling back the layers and uncovering frustration, above all that it's ultimately about the constant struggle of overcoming the self; the limited nature of the human condition to become something more than that. Yeah sure we'll stumble and fall along the way, undoubtedly making ourselves look foolish as we land unceremoniously flat on our collective faces/asses, and in the end we may never attain it, but in this case the act of trying is far more significant than the ends of achieving. As you run, focus, timing, gravity all coalescing into one perfect moment, and as the moment extends and stretches on, you shed just a little bit of those limitations and it's beautiful.
So I'll carry on, I guess. Life is a constant struggle, not in the oh-I-don't-want-to-carry-on-living sense but a struggle against the weaknesses I find so prevalent within myself and temptations external, but I want to carry on with hope in my heart, sustained not by a certainty of what awaits me (the only certainty is uncertainty) but the belief that each step I take is a worthwhile one.
So I'll carry on, I guess. Life is a constant struggle, not in the oh-I-don't-want-to-carry-on-living sense but a struggle against the weaknesses I find so prevalent within myself and temptations external, but I want to carry on with hope in my heart, sustained not by a certainty of what awaits me (the only certainty is uncertainty) but the belief that each step I take is a worthwhile one.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
QWOP
Wow my itchy fingers just lost me a fanboy post about QWOP so I guess I'll try to replicate it once more, though the feeling is long gone, a feeling which I shall perhaps seek to emulate with 30 mins of soul-crushing attempts to complete the nigh impossible game.
I'll be the first to admit that my renewed obsession is well, inexplicable and very questionable, given that there's no actual point to the game, you control a ragdoll with the relatively simple controls of 'Q,W,O,P' for the left and right thighs and calves respectively, with the goal of crossing the 100M mark. However gameplay is all but, as you'd find if you were to click on that link above xD And yet there's something I find incredibly fascinating about it; despite playing god knows how many runs, I haven't been able to complete it even once, so the challenge could be a definite factor, or perhaps it's the process itself. A slight tap of 'O' to lean forwards at the starting line, 'W' to thrust the right leg downwards, 'O' once more to lift up the left, 'Q' to thrust the left down, 'P' to lift up the right, 'W' once more to push it down, again and again, over and over again. It's a simultaneously cathartic and frustrating experience. Mistime your steps just a little and you'll quickly find your endearing avatar falling flat on his face/ass, along with a very audible 'thump'. Do it well though and you'll find him gliding smoothly along to the soundtrack, engaged in an elegant dance with gravity and time your willing partners.
Far be it from me to over-analyze (well for those who know me that's not very far at all..) but to me at least, beyond simply being a game, QWOP is a brilliant allegory of life, elegant in the very bumbling and stumbling that one is bound to encounter as he first plays with the controls, more likely than not to end up in a tangle of limbs barely a meter away from the start line. There's a very steep learning curve, not many would have the patience to go along with it, but the fulfillment once you get things sorted out and break into stride is definitely satisfying. But that's not all there is to it; it's by no means easy to keep the momentum going, how to resume once you've stopped is another tricky skill you'll have to pick up, get that wrong and you'll end up flat on your face, back to the start with you. Conversely as you go along, feeling pretty good about yourself, it's all too easy to get carried away by the momentum and lose control, break stride, stumble and fall. You have as many second chances as you'd like, but no save points, none at all. So, the recap, be incompetent, you fall, miserably. Over-confident and complacent, you fall. Overly anxious and unable to keep it up, you fall. Simply unlucky (countless times when lag/a sudden overpowering urge to scratch my nose caused me to miss a beat come to mind) and you fall. And yes, you can try and retry and re-retry over and over again, but You. May. Never. Succeed. And even if you do, so what? Is the whole world going to celebrate your achievement? There's no leaderboard to speak of, and even if there were, there's bound to be someone who can do it better than you; the next time you refresh the site, it's all gone. Quite a cheery message isn't it? Nah I'm obviously being sarcastic; it's downright depressing. Which probably goes a long way towards explaining my fascination with it, I'm just weird that way.
As an aside, reliable sources have informed me that there some soulless individuals have adopted a decidedly unorthodox method to complete the game, one which involves taking a strange posture, crouched very low down supported upon a mass of random limbs and thusly contorted, convulsing and sidling along the ground for very, very, long, all the way till the endpoint, the very idea of which is offensive to a purist like me. I mean, it's not exactly a Pyrrhic victory, but what's the point in that? Or maybe it says more about myself that I'd rather never reach the end and endlessly make attempts to do it the more challenging/'right' way rather than engage in something even more mind-numbing and downright ugly just for the sake of reaching the end. It's all about the style~
And yes, I just spent the better part of 750 words rewriting a post about a rather pointless game, so sue me. Or rather, SMS OTL
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Days
I guess I could be making more productive use of my time but I'm not too ashamed with what I've been doing with my new-found freedom as I'm pretty aware of what awaits me once the school term starts. So, some chill time, gladly appreciated, C'est la vie.
Two Sundays back I found myself along with my family aboard a super luxury yacht (at least it seemed luxurious from my limited worldview xP), 3 rooms below deck, a saloon in the cabin and a viewing gallery above, complete with a kayak and speedboat onboard; all courtesy of my dad's friend (who chartered it, not so rich that he'd own one). It's an amazing way to spend the afternoon if the weather's forgiving, a 2 hour cruise out to the smaller islands littered around Singapore, with a short stopover at Kusu Island before heading back. I'm a horrible writer so I shan't mention over-used cliches such as having the sun on my face, wind in my hair etc, it just felt wonderfully serene to sit on the front deck and feel the waves go by, to stand at the bow, clenching tightly onto the railing, fearful that I'd be taken away by the wind and the waves, yet at the same time unable to resist the thrill involved, and to yes, imitate that Titanic pose xP Great chance to unleash the inner camwhore too~
And I guess KH's incessant attempts to capture an "artistic" shot of some waterway yielded some nice pics as well~
The evening was occupied with a leisurely stroll along the boardwalk towards Labrador Park for dinner, taking in the sunset over the hill in the distance, the play of light across the water with the boardwalk sinuous, extending on...heck I'll just let the photos speak their thousand words.
All this accompanied by the not totally unwelcome chatter of my siblings, walking on. I do appreciate a good ambience.
Monday, SAF day, (my official disruption day btw XP) a casual meetup with Amos at AMK to take advantage of the various offers around for NSmen, unfortunately, and more than a little irritatingly, Fish & Co (and yes I'm singling them out) required us to be in Long 4 to benefit from the discount, which was baffling - shouldn't the 11B suffice as identification - and perhaps a little ironic: Who'd have guessed that in order to recognize the contributions of our NSmen you'd have to literally recognize and be able to single them out as well? Perhaps a misguided attempt to improve the image of the uniform, amidst the repeated STOMPing by the media. So we boycotted them for Pepper Lunch before heading to Bishan library, chilled a little before catching World War Z (more on that later) and departing.
I was supposed to go down to the medical centre at NTU for my checkup Tuesday afternoon but left the house too late (slight miscalculation on my part, 2 hours from home, really?) and ended up meeting my mum for lunch at Serangoon Gardens instead. Oh how little we actually speak, you and I. Your company no less welcome, very much loved. Why do we find communication so difficult?
Wednesday down to NTU for my medical, went down especially early to beat the crowds, ran into Soon Hong and a couple of future coursemates, spotted by virtue of those who had the yellow immunization form, conversation was haltingly awkward, as was the same for the more organized meetup on Thursday at Tiong Bahru, but thankfully NS has left us loads of common ground to cover, introductions to be made "Oh I was from 38 SCE, you know where Sungei Gedong is? Yeah, armored engineer, how bout you?" I guess it'll all work out somehow. I realize though that when I meet new people though I'm now a lot less reticient and reluctant to open up, I have this tendency to be overwhelmed/crowded out by the shall-we-say more outspoken and boistrous of those you'd find in a group. Suffice to say I prefer my interactions to be on a more personal and intimate level, something which I find lacking in larger group interactions; in which I feel intimacy and perhaps even sincerity may have to be sacrificed in the interest of being inclusive, which is very much a skill in and as of itself, but I just don't seem to have the energy! Alvin kept quoting from that book of his that while we may be able to adapt to various social situations, those we find ourselves most comfortable with are indicative of our personalities (a bit duh but hey wth). I guess I'm an introvert way inside, not much of a surprise, that, I just lack the high-ness to thrive in big group situations, they're often mentally taxing and I often find myself feeling drained after the event, though I'll admit to having enjoyed myself a fair bit.
Saturday, received a call around 12.10 at home from Kang Hui's bandmate, asking whether she "was around", thinking she wasn't at home, I replied that she wasn't till Kang Yan corrected me; she was still sleeping. Cue shock from her friend, cause apparently KH was supposed to meet with her section for rehearsals for the matinee performance of her concert not much later on. She was so hysterical when woken up that I actually felt sorry for her (which makes me sound worse than I am, honest) so I calmed her down before walking her out, fortunately for her she got a lift from my aunt and uncle, so she wasn't too late. It really was quite amusing to watch her hysterics though! Speaking of missed calls turns out I got shortlisted for the student union camp, many applicants, very few slots so evidently I was quite lucky. I, however, didn't pick up the original call from my would-be facil - sister turned my phone to silent mode when I left it to charge... - and when he called back later, he at first wasted a lot of time trolling me by saying he was from the Med faculty and had to review my application cause they'd taken in too many people (yeah right...) before asking me to sing him a song. It should have struck me that it was basic ragging and that I should have played along a lot better, but sad to say I phailed very badly (I mean it shouldn't be that hard to think of a song and just sing it however badly on the spot, right?) and then had to hang up on him mid-call to attend the aforesaid concert; horrible timing by all accounts, he actually called right when I was about to enter the concert hall and they were about to close the doors for the performances to begin, and when I smsed him asking whether I could call back the next day, apparently they were done selecting people for the camp, so missed opportunity there perhaps... More time to myself before school begins, then.
I've been watching a shitload of movies lately, and that in addition to loads of time spent trawling the depths of Youtube, I'll leave that for another post.
And the days roll by. Without the continuous rhythm of book ins and outs to mark the passage of time I've been finding myself quite lost to be honest. Every day's a Friday. TGIF~
Two Sundays back I found myself along with my family aboard a super luxury yacht (at least it seemed luxurious from my limited worldview xP), 3 rooms below deck, a saloon in the cabin and a viewing gallery above, complete with a kayak and speedboat onboard; all courtesy of my dad's friend (who chartered it, not so rich that he'd own one). It's an amazing way to spend the afternoon if the weather's forgiving, a 2 hour cruise out to the smaller islands littered around Singapore, with a short stopover at Kusu Island before heading back. I'm a horrible writer so I shan't mention over-used cliches such as having the sun on my face, wind in my hair etc, it just felt wonderfully serene to sit on the front deck and feel the waves go by, to stand at the bow, clenching tightly onto the railing, fearful that I'd be taken away by the wind and the waves, yet at the same time unable to resist the thrill involved, and to yes, imitate that Titanic pose xP Great chance to unleash the inner camwhore too~
The evening was occupied with a leisurely stroll along the boardwalk towards Labrador Park for dinner, taking in the sunset over the hill in the distance, the play of light across the water with the boardwalk sinuous, extending on...heck I'll just let the photos speak their thousand words.
Monday, SAF day, (my official disruption day btw XP) a casual meetup with Amos at AMK to take advantage of the various offers around for NSmen, unfortunately, and more than a little irritatingly, Fish & Co (and yes I'm singling them out) required us to be in Long 4 to benefit from the discount, which was baffling - shouldn't the 11B suffice as identification - and perhaps a little ironic: Who'd have guessed that in order to recognize the contributions of our NSmen you'd have to literally recognize and be able to single them out as well? Perhaps a misguided attempt to improve the image of the uniform, amidst the repeated STOMPing by the media. So we boycotted them for Pepper Lunch before heading to Bishan library, chilled a little before catching World War Z (more on that later) and departing.
I was supposed to go down to the medical centre at NTU for my checkup Tuesday afternoon but left the house too late (slight miscalculation on my part, 2 hours from home, really?) and ended up meeting my mum for lunch at Serangoon Gardens instead. Oh how little we actually speak, you and I. Your company no less welcome, very much loved. Why do we find communication so difficult?
Wednesday down to NTU for my medical, went down especially early to beat the crowds, ran into Soon Hong and a couple of future coursemates, spotted by virtue of those who had the yellow immunization form, conversation was haltingly awkward, as was the same for the more organized meetup on Thursday at Tiong Bahru, but thankfully NS has left us loads of common ground to cover, introductions to be made "Oh I was from 38 SCE, you know where Sungei Gedong is? Yeah, armored engineer, how bout you?" I guess it'll all work out somehow. I realize though that when I meet new people though I'm now a lot less reticient and reluctant to open up, I have this tendency to be overwhelmed/crowded out by the shall-we-say more outspoken and boistrous of those you'd find in a group. Suffice to say I prefer my interactions to be on a more personal and intimate level, something which I find lacking in larger group interactions; in which I feel intimacy and perhaps even sincerity may have to be sacrificed in the interest of being inclusive, which is very much a skill in and as of itself, but I just don't seem to have the energy! Alvin kept quoting from that book of his that while we may be able to adapt to various social situations, those we find ourselves most comfortable with are indicative of our personalities (a bit duh but hey wth). I guess I'm an introvert way inside, not much of a surprise, that, I just lack the high-ness to thrive in big group situations, they're often mentally taxing and I often find myself feeling drained after the event, though I'll admit to having enjoyed myself a fair bit.
Saturday, received a call around 12.10 at home from Kang Hui's bandmate, asking whether she "was around", thinking she wasn't at home, I replied that she wasn't till Kang Yan corrected me; she was still sleeping. Cue shock from her friend, cause apparently KH was supposed to meet with her section for rehearsals for the matinee performance of her concert not much later on. She was so hysterical when woken up that I actually felt sorry for her (which makes me sound worse than I am, honest) so I calmed her down before walking her out, fortunately for her she got a lift from my aunt and uncle, so she wasn't too late. It really was quite amusing to watch her hysterics though! Speaking of missed calls turns out I got shortlisted for the student union camp, many applicants, very few slots so evidently I was quite lucky. I, however, didn't pick up the original call from my would-be facil - sister turned my phone to silent mode when I left it to charge... - and when he called back later, he at first wasted a lot of time trolling me by saying he was from the Med faculty and had to review my application cause they'd taken in too many people (yeah right...) before asking me to sing him a song. It should have struck me that it was basic ragging and that I should have played along a lot better, but sad to say I phailed very badly (I mean it shouldn't be that hard to think of a song and just sing it however badly on the spot, right?) and then had to hang up on him mid-call to attend the aforesaid concert; horrible timing by all accounts, he actually called right when I was about to enter the concert hall and they were about to close the doors for the performances to begin, and when I smsed him asking whether I could call back the next day, apparently they were done selecting people for the camp, so missed opportunity there perhaps... More time to myself before school begins, then.
I've been watching a shitload of movies lately, and that in addition to loads of time spent trawling the depths of Youtube, I'll leave that for another post.
And the days roll by. Without the continuous rhythm of book ins and outs to mark the passage of time I've been finding myself quite lost to be honest. Every day's a Friday. TGIF~
Thursday, July 4, 2013
On Hiatus, for now
Well, it's over, for now, that is. It's strange how much clutter the past 17 months have left me, clutter in my room, head and heart.
That last day Friday in Gedong had sadness, nostalgia and no small measure of joy I'll admit all rolled up into one. I had delayed on signing my clearance forms, perhaps borne of an unvocalized and irrational desire to prolong my stay, and once I wanted to get it signed, I realized to my dismay that Captain Paul (my OC) had taken overseas leave for the rest of the week and I had to find someone else to sign it, a little more troublesome than it needed to be. After that I needed to pass the forms on to Persnode and to surrender my camp pass as well, however after making the trip down I found (and at this point I was more bemused than anything else) a sign pasted on the door "We will be closed on 280613 and will be open for half a day on 010713" so having posted the previous night that I had probably spent my last night in Gedong and would miss the place, the irony that perhaps I'd been granted my wish afterall wasn't lost on me. Eventually though, I was able to drop it off with my S1 for safekeeping and a promise that they'd pass it on to Persnode for me; much to my relief. The rest of the morning was pretty much spent packing the last of my things, making decisions on what to leave behind, what not to, farewells bade, signing out on the book in/out book for the last time (Reason: Disruption how understated) followed by one last trip down to the E-mart with Kenneth, Nelson and Lt. Gerald to spend the last of my credits (boots for everyone!), "luggage" in tow, and out, out the guardhouse, "Once Armour Always Armour" same for armoured engineers?, and off to CMPB, an exchange, green for pink, immeasurable elation, a civilian once more.
I'm glad then, that after rushing through my dental and medical FFIs on Wednesday (a farce, if I may say so) that I had the opportunity to sweat it out with the rest of the section in reassembling one side of the Wallaby tank's track, breaking the other side and stripping the track pads from it. Sweaty but honest work, and if felt good to work on arguably our toughest task as AE with the rest for the last time, along with the satisfaction of a job well done. I couldn't help but have some lingering feelings, guilt at being unable to help the guys with the rest of Wallaby prep, so many things unsettled and undone, missing the retarded and fun times together, yet I know that these are soon to evaporate, as such sentiment is wont to do, with the passage of time. Does the time that we had together have any less meaning because of that? I think not.
As a whole, and in a bid to put a fullstop to this stage of my NS journey, it's certainly been an eye-opening experience, one that I find myself able to look upon (selectively, of course) with no small amount of fondness.The pretty quintessential army experience in BMT and SCS, along with the totally unexpected opportunity to be an Armored Engineer and drive a freaking tank are all going to reside in my memory. It's fairly obvious, at least to myself, that I've changed, to some extent or the other, throughout my time in NS. I've met people who I've truly disliked (quite a first, trust me) and as I progressed through, I think I've become, on some level, more impatient and quick to judge, sometimes quick to frustration (though hopefully not to frustrate). I have though, at least I'd like to think, become a little better at communicating, more open, and really, quite a bit better at standing up for myself. Amidst all this change, I've also come to realize that there are aspects of myself which for better or worse, aren't going to change as easily. Army has made me aware of my limitations. It's not an easy thing to accept, knowing that no matter how much I try, though there are aspects of my personality which sway perceptions of me in ways I don't entirely enjoy, that there's sometimes not much that I can do about it. I can't help but wonder if that's a role which I've sunk myself into too deeply to find my way out of at this point of time. And do we, as we go on and meet new people in life, seek to assign and consign them to familiar roles, in a subconscious bid to simplify daily interactions? It kinda makes sense, if you take it that our Monkey Spheres only have room for so many people, so taking it as if we were interacting with the same basic kinds of people, over and over again, might make things easier, no? Or perhaps as we enter foreign environments, we seek comfort in familiarity, make attempts to recreate what we already had, slide easily into roles we're used to adopting, substitution at work. Pretty interesting line of thought for personal pondering, maybe.
I've deviated somewhat from my original aim, I guess that's for the best, I've been left with a wealth of memories, loads of nostalgia and if I were to unload it all here I'd probably never be finished. Let's leave it as such, for now, though I still feel somewhat unsatisfied. Maybe I'll come back sometime in the future (not)
It's time to move on, on and on. And while the magic may not always flow, I'd like that we move on together, for a little more at least, though hopefully a lot longer.
That last day Friday in Gedong had sadness, nostalgia and no small measure of joy I'll admit all rolled up into one. I had delayed on signing my clearance forms, perhaps borne of an unvocalized and irrational desire to prolong my stay, and once I wanted to get it signed, I realized to my dismay that Captain Paul (my OC) had taken overseas leave for the rest of the week and I had to find someone else to sign it, a little more troublesome than it needed to be. After that I needed to pass the forms on to Persnode and to surrender my camp pass as well, however after making the trip down I found (and at this point I was more bemused than anything else) a sign pasted on the door "We will be closed on 280613 and will be open for half a day on 010713" so having posted the previous night that I had probably spent my last night in Gedong and would miss the place, the irony that perhaps I'd been granted my wish afterall wasn't lost on me. Eventually though, I was able to drop it off with my S1 for safekeeping and a promise that they'd pass it on to Persnode for me; much to my relief. The rest of the morning was pretty much spent packing the last of my things, making decisions on what to leave behind, what not to, farewells bade, signing out on the book in/out book for the last time (Reason: Disruption how understated) followed by one last trip down to the E-mart with Kenneth, Nelson and Lt. Gerald to spend the last of my credits (boots for everyone!), "luggage" in tow, and out, out the guardhouse, "Once Armour Always Armour" same for armoured engineers?, and off to CMPB, an exchange, green for pink, immeasurable elation, a civilian once more.
I'm glad then, that after rushing through my dental and medical FFIs on Wednesday (a farce, if I may say so) that I had the opportunity to sweat it out with the rest of the section in reassembling one side of the Wallaby tank's track, breaking the other side and stripping the track pads from it. Sweaty but honest work, and if felt good to work on arguably our toughest task as AE with the rest for the last time, along with the satisfaction of a job well done. I couldn't help but have some lingering feelings, guilt at being unable to help the guys with the rest of Wallaby prep, so many things unsettled and undone, missing the retarded and fun times together, yet I know that these are soon to evaporate, as such sentiment is wont to do, with the passage of time. Does the time that we had together have any less meaning because of that? I think not.
As a whole, and in a bid to put a fullstop to this stage of my NS journey, it's certainly been an eye-opening experience, one that I find myself able to look upon (selectively, of course) with no small amount of fondness.The pretty quintessential army experience in BMT and SCS, along with the totally unexpected opportunity to be an Armored Engineer and drive a freaking tank are all going to reside in my memory. It's fairly obvious, at least to myself, that I've changed, to some extent or the other, throughout my time in NS. I've met people who I've truly disliked (quite a first, trust me) and as I progressed through, I think I've become, on some level, more impatient and quick to judge, sometimes quick to frustration (though hopefully not to frustrate). I have though, at least I'd like to think, become a little better at communicating, more open, and really, quite a bit better at standing up for myself. Amidst all this change, I've also come to realize that there are aspects of myself which for better or worse, aren't going to change as easily. Army has made me aware of my limitations. It's not an easy thing to accept, knowing that no matter how much I try, though there are aspects of my personality which sway perceptions of me in ways I don't entirely enjoy, that there's sometimes not much that I can do about it. I can't help but wonder if that's a role which I've sunk myself into too deeply to find my way out of at this point of time. And do we, as we go on and meet new people in life, seek to assign and consign them to familiar roles, in a subconscious bid to simplify daily interactions? It kinda makes sense, if you take it that our Monkey Spheres only have room for so many people, so taking it as if we were interacting with the same basic kinds of people, over and over again, might make things easier, no? Or perhaps as we enter foreign environments, we seek comfort in familiarity, make attempts to recreate what we already had, slide easily into roles we're used to adopting, substitution at work. Pretty interesting line of thought for personal pondering, maybe.
I've deviated somewhat from my original aim, I guess that's for the best, I've been left with a wealth of memories, loads of nostalgia and if I were to unload it all here I'd probably never be finished. Let's leave it as such, for now, though I still feel somewhat unsatisfied. Maybe I'll come back sometime in the future (not)
It's time to move on, on and on. And while the magic may not always flow, I'd like that we move on together, for a little more at least, though hopefully a lot longer.
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