Human Being

Being human; a human being. Not an easy task on the best of days; an arduous one on the worst of days.

Forgive others for being human, for all the faults; propensity towards irrationality, greed, and weakness. Forgive me for being human.

But also love others for being human, for the brilliance present in the flawed.

Love me for being human; caught up in the eternal conflict of mere existence, and for struggling to do what I know to be right, when wrong is a much easier alternative.

So. Final post before enlisting I. I thought I'd write something epic; I still have so much more to say; thoughts that passed through my head, once upon a time; with them too fleeting, or me too lazy to snatch them out of the air and ground them in reality. But I realize there's no use grasping at things gone past haha.



My heart's fine, gladly affirmed by that CT scan; the "contrast" is probably still running around my bloodstream, feeling a little light-headed from the effects of the vasodilater; it lowers blood pressure you see, so I shan't post much more than this. Hope to do fine in NS, had a great day today/yesterday, Wicked was damn good, and see you in 3 weeks or so!

I'm going to enlist tomorrow; new (dumb) phone in my pocket, new plastic specs on my head; and old hair (very) noticeably off it. And this blog is going on hiatus.

So it shall be. Que Sera Sera.

 Good stuff (Y) Pity I'll miss the rest due to NS.


Can't say I'm thinking of much right now - a rarity I know xP - so I'll just leave it at that.

Had another phail episode but I shan't post it here :P It's become something of a running gag in my family, though, that's for sure.

Somehow I feel I believe most in the feelings that you find present in yourself after a good few hours of sleep. They seem the most genuine to me haha. There's barely any time for the machinations of the conscious mind to take hold; and they're the products of hours of the subconscious' processing. The mind is fresh, alert and uninhibited. Recently I've started trusting them enough to act on them; at least in that wondrous window of minutes before reality really starts to sink in.

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We passed by some secondhand book sale earlier on. I was kinda reminded of the voracity with which I would dig into books just a few years back. Can't help feeling a little sad that I haven't done that in a long time now; though I think it may partially be cause I've outgrown the genre. (I used to be a huge fantasy buff; loved - and still love - Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time epic series, David Eddings, Terry Brooks, Terry Pratchett; who's got to be my favorite for his satirical take of the genre and so many others) It's a pity though that after so long the plots have blessed together for me; and their respective intricacies are now lost to me; and I really don't have the luxury of going through them once again! Must be almost a hundred (or more) to go through; which I just don't have the time for.. Perhaps that's what retirement's for; though I things go as I think they will, I don't think I'll be retiring anytime in the forseeable future; if at all!

The Descendant seemed pretty flat to me; though perhaps I'm being too reductionistic in critiquing it *shrugs*

Strange but true.

I find myself thinking twice now about composing a post during one of my much criticized early mornings; especially if it's the same day as one of our outings, lest I leave some incriminating evidence - in the form of a timestamp - for those epic phail moments where I can simply sleep right past the appointed time and find myself waking up (reluctantly) to the jarring ringing of my phone and a consternation-laden voice on the other end of the line when I tell its owner that I've "overslept, really sorry about it; I'll be there ASAP".

Evidently my iPhone alarm is absolutely useless at waking me up. It either doesn't last long enough; the snooze function doesn't activate; or I've grown particularly adept at turning it off with my eyes closed while not being in a fully conscious state of mind. That totally embarrassing experience last week - with yifan's Go Green project - stands testament to that.

Well, I'm up on time today; so rejoice! (And it wasn't a particularly easy feat to accomplish either!) I'm delaying setting off a little cause I just know you guys won't be on time so yeah... Watched an amazing spectacle this morning, so I'm freaking elated haha. Not bad for the penultimate match before checking into Hotel Tekong.

As a random aside, my sis "idolizes" me apparently, or so my mum says.. Seems like she wrote something about me in her "This I believe in" essay for school. Oh my.

Haven't been arsed to write for a long time; but I kinda realised that after enlisting, I won't be able to write as much, so I'd better seize the opportunity while it's there. I won't bother to be chronologically precise since that's way too troublesome.

So I went down to SGH; or more accurately, the National Heart Centre there pretty recently to look for my uncle (he's a cardiologist) at my father's insistence for a quick checkup as a precaution before enlisting. Had an echo-cardiogram done. Basically the idea is to use ultrasound to image the heart, so it was really amazing as I could see my heart beating in realtime. It was quite cool to see its actual structure; the bicuspid mitral valve, the tricuspid aortic valve, the atria, ventricles, septum etc versus having seen them in those notes we had to mug for the Biomed symposium. The best part was being able to hear the continuous pounding that sounded kinda wishy-washy-ish while watching the contractions and relaxations and think "Wow, that's my heart there" haha. The thought that it's working (and will be working) independently, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, idk how many weeks a year, etc to keep me alive is quite inspiring in a way. I sometimes wonder whether I have the strength to go on living; but the beat of my heart gives me no doubt about that. Little abnormality that my uncle noticed though was that my coronary arteries seem to be a little dilated (around 1mm more than average for Singaporeans?); apparently they shouldn't be so well-defined on an echo-cardiogram. A little worrying, but I don't think I'll be doing anything to change my PES at this stage.

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CNY, supposed to be a time for joyous reunion (and it was) yet I'm starting to realize that the overwhelming logistics: packaging of ang paos, gifts for the relatives we visit, even making a "schedule" of sorts.... could outweigh the celebratory mood. Had a much more toned down CNY this year; we're pretty much done with all the visiting after the second day (and the "harvest" has been far less bountiful, not that it matters much); but it was no less enjoyable. Quality time with family is nothing to be scoffed at. A slight undertone of sadness though; unavoidable what with things the way they are.

We went to take a look at the new house once more. I kinda like how my room's turning out; though I admittedly won't be spending much time there for at least the next couple of months. We'll have to repaint the house anyway, since alot of hacking of the walls had to be done for the electrical rewiring, so I'm currently toying with some possible colour schemes in my head. Don't really feel like sticking to boring old off-white/beige this time round. Any suggestions? xP

So much to do before enlisting...I really should start packing seriously; though I've made some headway into that by binding my JC Bio notes for easier storage (and to hopefully deter hopeful homeless spiders!). It's such a headache and a little heartaching as well to decide what to throw away and what to bring over. My mum's already discarded my primary school and kindergarten stuff  ><  Lost memories! Stuff that I'll probably never look through, true, but it still hurts nonetheless. (The ironic bit is that she's still keeping her secondary school/uni stuff, which is ancient) I've also got to get around to scanning those documents for NUS...anyone has a scanner available? :/ I should probably start normalizing my sleep cycle as well, but I've got a few early morning games to catch this week, and I need to build up tolerance. Hope I'm not as disappointed as Sunday's one!

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It's strange. You'd think that with the number of days left till I get my freedom severely curtailed in such short supply; I'd want to spend them in the most meaningful manner. Yet I find myself doing the reverse. And I understand, at least a little. I don't want to commit to anything, or enjoy myself too much before going in, lest I miss these days too much. I have heard that we'll be too tired to think about anything though.

My Heart Will Go On

"What is better; to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
-Paarthurnax, Skyrim

Something I never cease thinking about.

When you're trapped, and efforts to find a way out seem futile; do you persist in rattling the bars of the cage in hope of finding some weakness, or do you turn your back on them and attempt to make yourself comfortable? 

But then again things aren't so clearcut in real life, are they?

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Yet another fun outing, this time on Monday with Jack, Amos, Merv and Angie to celebrate Jack's birthday! (I think I'm running out of adjectives to describe these things already..another sign of my brain's gradual degeneration I guess; though perhaps that's for the best what with NS coming up and all) The Titanic exhibition at the Art Science __________ at MBS was pretty interesting; it was cool to see all the relics they'd managed to recover from the wreck of the Titanic, almost 4km underwater. I really liked how the setting and outlook of that time period were explained so meticulously, providing a rather poignant background to the sinking of the ship. What was meant to be the crowning glory of a period of optimism set in technological development instead turned out to be a horrific disaster.  I also appreciated the effort put into research with regards to the lives of certain passengers and crew who were aboard the ship; from all the various classes (more on that later). Stories of how little twists in fate; a coal strike, for example, which resulted in other ships being unable to set off; and those passengers rebooking onto the Titanic (super unlucky!) or the Titanic's captain, who'd initially been planning to retire before the Titanic set off, yet reluctantly agreed after persuasion by The Company, and his promise to his family that it'd be the "last time" (he went down with his ship), could change an individual's life irrevocably. Being informed that the disaster could have been averted, if not for human stupidity/hubris: The Titanic being proclaimed "unsinkable" (which was really asking for it, in hindsight) and therefore not requiring enough lifeboats to accommodate all its passengers (they were judged to make the deck appear overly cluttered and therefore unsightly) as well as the lookouts spotting the iceberg all too late because they'd apparently forgot to bring along binoculars for the trip in the haste to set off. We got to see the gulf between the have and have-nots; as seen by the opulence enjoyed by First-Class passengers; fine dishware, great furnishings, separate dining and smoking rooms, and even their own stairway! versus what the rest got; via the artifacts which were painstakingly annotated with "most likely used by first-class passengers"; "seen in second-class bathrooms" etc. Oh, and we noticed, also in this picture that all the guys had the same taste in headwear, apparently. Not sure what that particular style of cap is called, though.

Could kinda appreciate the jobs that historians and their ilk do. To preserve what they can of the past for the future; cause as they said, if nobody did anything about it, the Titanic would become "a rust spot in the ocean in 30-40(?) years time" with nothing to show for it. Though the use of it all is kinda questionable, seeing that humans don't really seem to learn from their past mistakes haha.

Met Amos after that; dawdled as we tried to decide where to have lunch, finally decided upon Astons at Suntec, had our food, played Citadel (yet another interesting cardgame! and our gift to Jack, incidentally) before leaving.

Went to meet SY and Eliz for dinner at Novena after that; but both were late, so I spent my time walking rather aimlessly around the area; looking at stationery at Evergreen, watching TV (in 3D as well) at Harvey Norman before finally having dinner with them and going home.

"If dreams would come true

How happy I'd be!

I dreamed I loved you

And I dreamed you loved me."

Just something random we saw on an ancient postcard; one of the artefacts recovered from some (presumably) leather case at the bottom of the sea. I'm sharing it despite my mini-rant about the dearth of originality...well just because. Call me hypocritical if you will xP

I can't be the only one who thinks "My Heart Will Go On" was the perfect song for Titanic. Not only in the romantic sense; though that's surely there, but I think in terms of the human spirit and daringness to dream, as well! Despite the colossal (I was tempted to use "titanic" here but restrained myself xP) failure of the Titanic, we continued dreaming; even if success at times appeared (and still does appear) so far away in the distance, and well, ended up where we are today.

Morning Sounds

I'm sitting in the living room, planted in front of my laptop, when I suddenly hear a noise; a whisper, it seems, calling "korkor".

"Must be KYan, calling from upstairs; she does that, sometimes, after watching her Running Man on the Ipad late into the night."

So I call out to her. No response...

"Okay...might be a once-off thing, shall go back to listening to my music."

*noise repeats*

"Maybe she's not replying to screw with me.."

*noise repeats at regular intervals for next half min*

"Shit..."

I turn to the right, looking towards the main door, down the dark corridor. Nothing. My eyes then stray across my other sis, sleeping sprawled across one of the rattan chairs, just metres from me. The sound seems to be coming from her vicinity. I pay closer attention. "Chey! Just her snoring..."

Whoops haha.

Oh well. Friday was a pretty good day, despite it being the 13th and all. Sent off my little endeavour, so I'm done with it. Can't help wanting to know how well it was received (or whether it even reached!) though :S

Had to wake up early for work at Safra in the morning, so I was understandably quite tired. Hitched a ride with my dad, and we dropped by our new house in the morning. Seems like we won't be moving in before CNY afterall; not that I wasn't expecting it. Also paid a visit to my cousins who are literally living down the road (we're gonna be neighbours!) who're way more efficient and moved in earlier this month. Then onto work haha.

First 2 sessions (9.30-12; 3.30-5.30) were corporate bookings, the idea is that some companies; in this case the Police and some construction company want to do something new for a corporate function, so pay through the nose for a booking to get to shoot air rifles at some targets. Felt more like customer service than anything else; besides watching out for safety violations; and even then, not interfering unless it was too serious, and doing so in a discreet manner, all I did was count out pellets and distribute cards, dispensing the occasional tip along the way. Not very challenging, nor exciting, to be honest. Though it was pretty amusing to see all of them get so excited over everything; their scores, groupings, size of the hole etc, especially after doing well shooting on a pistol card with a rifle resting on sandbags on the countertop. Some interesting ideas too! Such as inflating balloons, attaching them to targets for them to aim at.



Met Amos for lunch and bowling during the break between the 1st and 2nd sessions, which was a really cool way to burn the time; don't know what I'd have found myself up to otherwise. I had dinner at that same old laksa place; and found myself reminiscing over a bowl of Chng Tng (冷的）; my usual dessert, which complements the laksa perfectly. Times spent, memories made, experiences......experienced.  Went back to Safra, took a nap in the coaching office, was walked in on by some of my juniors (a little awkward) and got ready for the 3rd and last session.

Last session (7.30-9.30) was the one I relished. Got the opportunity to induct a newcomer into the Junior Shooting Programme there, taught him some basics, and basically supervised the training. Most of them are quite obedient; and train seriously, and then there was this one P4 boy who kept complaining about the weight of the gun, shooting anyhow etc. I had some trouble with him cause I'm way too nice to be able to handle problem kids like him (yeah really!) so it was not really gratifying but horribly funny to see how my boss (who's the main coach) dealt with him; chastising him for it being too heavy cause he wasn't doing it properly and so on haha. I'll be in charge next week, though, when she and my coach (her husband) fly back to China for CNY, which I'm quite excited about!

So I ended up working for >6hrs; which kinda made me realize what a tiring job coaching is! HAHA. Can now empathize with how exhausted my coaches must have felt back then, when they had to coach in the morning details, and had to stay focused and alert all the way till 9.30 when the last detail ends. I think it could be a pretty rewarding job, though, and am pretty envious of them; it's good to be able to do something you like, and make a living off of it.

The Blackhole. Sucking hopes, dreams, efforts, aspirations; sucking it all in without the slightest peep.

Had a strange semi-dream early this morning, while sleep eluded me. Had something to do with zombies, apparently, and I've had nothing to do with L4D for quite some time already. Was dumped right amidst the action: Some guy helped me grab ahold of another, allowing me to stab the latter through the heart with a pink chopstick and then him in the neck; perforating his trachea, and him making these hollow whistling sounds through the hole each time he took a breathe. I had to do it, cause he'd been bitten and infected by a zombie, you see. Later in the dream, I ended up making this mutual agreement with another guy to "off" each other, as we'd both gotten infected as well, and didn't like the idea of having to shoot each other in the head. I somehow didn't die, while the other guy was mortally wounded. And a stab to the heart with a chopstick apparently wasn't enough to finish off the earlier guy (chopsticks aren't exactly the most effective of murder weapons, now are they?) who emerged from the toilet and killed me. The End.

Happy Friday the 13th xP

Not the most pretty display but YES!!! HAHA. Could have gone to bed after the first 45 mins but the second were a different kind of thrilling.

Shall do a quick recap of the class chalet since I'm awake anyway:

Was awesome, turnout rate on the first day was good; only 3 peeps couldn't make it IIRC. The BBQ was pretty successful as well! First BBQ I've attended where there wasn't much trouble starting the fire; guess Jack's experience played a large role there. (I'm randomly reminded of this BBQ in P3 so many years back where my mum dragged me off for our weekly visit to my grandma's house before we'd even got the fire started. Just one of the little incidents which scarred my childhood experience hehe) Short photo montage courtesy of Jack once again, followed by some random "speech" and song by tyf which I'll hold back judgement upon. Got a little gift which made me feel like an ass for a comment of sorts passed earlier. I'm not giving them to my mum afterall~

Played some poker at night with Amos, Yifan and Joo Gian while the rest were playing a protracted game of Gloom; using cards as stakes initially, then moving onto pushups/situps as we progressed through the night. We went through a number of hands; though my luck wasn't the greatest...became broke a few times, did a few sets of pushups. Was quite comical how we were pretty reckless at first, then everything got serious later on when we upped the stakes. I can't quite recall what we did the rest of the night and morning, tbh. We played some bridge, I know, and the rest played Go Fish! while some of us lay down on the mattresses, just staring at the ceiling fan, exchanging a few words. It's really quite therapeutic. Finally really fell asleep around 5+? which really isn't that late for me :P

We stoned around abit after waking up, finally got down to Downtown East for brunch at Burger King; Amos left for Changi after that, and we went back to the chalet to spend more time on the Xbox. The spastic rabbits game was freaking cute and fun; and we spent quite some time trying to fling this ball of snot which a rabbit clings to as far as possible, by shaking our heads like mad. Munchkin Cthulhu after that, won by Merv after an epic no-holds barred stop on Jack who called upon the (unwilling) Yifan for assistance. The strength went up to 60+ after all the buffs, and the monsters only won marginally, which is saying alot. Cultists make for a really intriguing gameplay.

Rented our bikes overnight for $10 apiece (excluding the tandem one) from this place in the middle of Pasir Ris Park and kept them in the chalet while we went to some Korean place at Downtown East for dinner. The overnight cycling was a great experience. We got lost a few times; Merv and I took a wrong turn, heading the opposite direction along the MRT tracks, didn't navigate the park connectors properly from what I gathered (not being involved much if at all in the navigation) but eventually made it. Went from Pasir Ris to Tampines, Bedok, Siglap, coasted down the stretch of ECP to Changi Village, and back to Pasir Ris again, with a few detours along the way. 50km+ according to Joo Gian, which is by far the furthest I've ever cycled; though we did stop along the way. We left the chalet around 11pm and got back at 6.29am the next day haha. Even managed to catch a FA Cup match of Arsenal vs Leeds from around the 17th min till the end at this coffeeshop where we took a break; Henry scoring the only goal (a good one!) on his first game back at Arsenal. Really funny how the rest were so exhausted that they were sleeping there, with some really unglam expressions while Amos and I, along with a whole bunch of people at other tables were watching the match! Damn shag after that; good thing there were many downhill stretches on the way back; really shiok cause you can just stop working the pedals and let gravity and momentum do the rest (Y)

There was this epic fail moment where I noticed this packet of white paint in a puddle of the same thing on the pavement too late; failed to avoid it, and was left with streaks of white on my tires for the rest of the trip. Good thing the uncle at the rental shop didn't mind; I was worrying about it throughout.

Nothing much after that, we got back, played some of Jack's math game with poker cards, some Go Fish!, had a short nap before returning the bikes, checking out of the chalet, taking the shuttle bus to the MRT and parting ways.

So, that's it haha. Really enjoyed the overnight cycling especially, you really get to appreciate how beautiful Singapore can be when it's quite at night. We basically didn't have to worry about cars on the road, and it was cool to look around and see the whole place illuminated by the warm glow of the streetlights. I loved the atmosphere :) I really appreciated the empty ECP as well haha. Past few times we went down, we always had to compete with the crowds of other cyclists, roller bladers etc for road usage but at night, we could cycle side-by-side and occupy the whole road if we so wished. I was really lucky this time to get a bike that actually worked properly with minimal squeaking; so I could enjoy the ride, and feel the power from my legs transferred to distance covered by the wheels on the ground. A very empowering feeling which running just can't give me, seeing how slow I am at that particular activity.

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It's pretty quiet at home now that school's started for all my siblings, who all left for their respective schools not too long ago. I've got some time to myself  now, much of which I've spent in front of this comp, though - I feel - productively in this case. Pretty much done with that not-so-little project I set out to do towards the end of last year, with the remainder being all those arbitrary stylistic decisions which I find so hard to make. Got a draft version out and it looks good! :D I'll be coaching at Safra once again on Friday; 6 hours this time, though with breaks in-between which should help me make up for the deficit wrought by the chalet. It's so nice to get honest pay for honest work, and to put my shooting experience to use as well!

Morning arrives, and my bed beckons. Signing off.

Overnight cycling: Check!

Class chalet was really awesome, but it's good to be home too haha. I've got some matters to attend to, more than a few winks to catch, so I'll leave the details till later :)

YES!!!! Totally worth staying up for :D Awesome if this carries on through the year.

It's a pity. I'd have liked to know what expression you had then, standing beside me. And after I'd taken so long to summon the courage to do so in the first place, too! A case of mission accomplished but failure nonetheless >.<

Well, had my coaching stuff on at Safra yesterday, pretty cool job, as I've said before. No dress code as well! The only one was to "not wear anything with Raffles on it"; not too strange considering my employer doesn't want people to think she's got students working for her hahah. Had the rather interesting experience of instructing this girl who I wasn't supposed to touch (as in no physical contact) at all while coaching her for some religious reasons I suppose. Just felt a little odd to have to specially take note of that while trying to demonstrate the various steps.

Went down to SGH the other day, accompanying my grandma on a visit. Just wanted to put down that I was extremely touched by the solidarity displayed, not only on a single occasion, mind you, but over days, weeks and months. And her saying that she didn't care how tough it was on her, as long as she let him know that he wasn't alone, people cared for him, and he could get to hear other people's voices, and talk to them.

^ a little too much personal stuff already, but it's something I really don't want to forget, so I'm just writing about it here.

Went for the final round of house visits as well, that same day. I was with the IC of organizing the project this time, but it was (apparently) her first time doing house visits so I found myself taking the lead. Really made me realize the benefits of keeping quiet and paying attention during the previous few sessions, such that I had little difficulty conducting the interviews in a pretty sensitive manner, I'd like to think, while being pretty personable at the same time as well! I guess what really inspired me was the observation that despite the many problems these people face in their lives; they still have dreams, and things they prioritize and will not compromise on. For eg, I talked to this lady who had 2 kids, one autistic boy and his older sister, and I could really sense how hard she was trying in order to raise her child to be able to function in society, one step at a time. And how she was determined to let the older sister have a normal childhood instead of succumbing to the temptation of getting her to take care of her brother while she looks for work.

I have faith in life now, that life will conspire to find a way so long as you're determined enough, and resilient enough. A good frame of mind to begin the year with.

There are times when I feel this emptiness within me; bereft of feelings, emotions, ambition. The kind of feeling you occasionally get when you wake up and the weight of reality hasn't quite settled in yet. When you don't quite feel like doing anything.

It's scary how well the internet complements this feeling, and even helps in prolonging it. Where I would have once just sat down staring into space for a while before shaking myself out of it, or grabbing a nearby book to absorb myself in; I can now spend hours on end staring at the screen doing absolutely nothing (of substance at least) while caught up in the illusion of doing something.

Entertainment should complement the voracity of life; with timely interjections, instead of dominating it, and deadening the mind by crowding it out to nothingness.

I shouldn't even be awake now :/

Hate it how some people can obviously know how you feel yet choose to blatantly ignore it simply because you choose to refrain from souring things up by voicing it. And I sometimes grow tired of having to always tread carefully (metaphorically speaking, of course) around them cause they never hesitate to show their displeasure and I once again have no wish for things to become unpleasant.

I don't like how the unspoken retorts accumulate within my head, and finding myself looking for alternative ways to dispel them; often by chiding myself about how immature I'm being, at letting such stuff affect me so.

I'm willing to bear it, to a much greater extent for those I care about than those I don't, obviously.

I return to you from an hours-long journey of trawling through the recesses of this blog's archives to recapture and relive; if you will, my experience last year (first time I've referred to 2011 as last year haha). And I've realized a couple of things; so indulge me here.

Firstly, that my writing generally wasn't bad at all! I realize it's more than a little presumptuous to outright say that, especially about my own "work" (in the loosest sense of the word) but I don't really re-read anything that I write that much (which may explain my poor GP performance) and reading something right after you've written it doesn't give you the most objective of viewpoints, now does it? Reading the posts from months back, I'm able to appreciate them more (HAHA) especially when I find myself able to (to a certain extent) reinsert myself into the mindset I had when I first constructed it, or find myself subconsciously nodding along as I read the arguments I'd put together; able to follow them relatively easily even though I may have changed my mind since then. The quality seems to have gradually declined till present though..

It was also cool to see a process, basically; and realize that there are certain things which I've moved past by now, challenges I managed to overcome last year, and worries assuaged; which plagued me to no end in the past as well! I, at least, can sense a clear progression, and on occasion, regression, which is particularly intriguing.

That makes blogging worth it I guess, besides being an outlet for venting frustrations and just putting down random thoughts to be appreciated in the future.

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Jan's looks like it's going to be pretty busy (and in a good way too!). Have a couple of outings with friends, the upcoming class chalet; I've been asked to help out with coaching at Safra Yishun every Friday evening (for decent pay), there's one more round of house visits, the recycling and grocery distribution phases of Yifan's (Zhang) CIP, and of course, lots - and I mean LOTS - of packing and clearing up and throwing away of stuff to be done at home before the move towards the end of Jan. Not forgetting having to drag myself to run alot more than I have been atm in preparation for NS on the 31st. Busy busy busy. I've also got that little thing to finish up. Shouldn't drag it out for too long haha.

But currently at least; I wouldn't have it any other way. Heh I should probably try to catch some sleep now ><

Resolutions for 2012

A pretty convenient excuse to post in point form, so I'll just get to it:

1. Eat healthier, exercise more, get fitter - Pretty much a given thanks to NS (I hope) but still a worthwhile start to the list
2. Be less selfish - What I do, I do out of my own free will (to the greatest possible extent, anyway). Though I'm entitled to be a little cynical about things, I shall be less concerned about whether those efforts are reciprocated or even appreciated/registered or not.
3. Worry less, enjoy more - Pretty self-explanatory. I often think that I "think too much" (which may itself be a meta-problem haha) about loads of things; things which; more often than not are out of my control. Incessant worrying, occasional "emo-ing" which I guess I could do without.
4. To make more of my time and get more out of life - Pretty vague; I know what I'm getting at without quite being able to put it into words. 
5. To act more maturely and respond less reactively (emotions-wise; don't know how else to describe it) to situations - I feel I have to have more self-control, basically. I shock myself sometimes at how acerbic I can be; at the accusatory tones I can inject into my voice at times, knowing full well how hurtful it can be. Social interactions/relationships aren't - or shouldn't be at least - about "winning" or anything like that, and it doesn't get anyone anywhere; besides leaving a really bitter aftertaste. And when I observe such things going on (that don't involve me) I've got to be able to do better than just keep quiet; or forcing my way in and making things that much worse. 
6. To step up more, and not shirk responsibility - Ironic considering what I was trying to do in J1; and I'm not particularly proud of what I did wrt to that in 2011 upon some critical reflection, something I really have to work on; both this year and the years to come.
7. Confidence - I've been improving, methinks, but still lots of room for improvement. Can't really blame others for not valuing me when I don't value myself much at all.
8. To be strong - One of the most important I feel. It's something I always hope for/expect from myself and this year is no different; except maybe requiring a little more on the physical front to cope with NS.
9. And lastly, to be myself; always. No matter the changes/improvements/whatever I'd like to see in myself, and my numerous imperfections (thus necessitating this list of resolutions!) to never stray from who I am, what I believe in, and stand for. To not compromise "myself" though the idea of me-ness still remains a little vague at this point of time.

And other stuff, of course, but it was never meant to be an exhaustive list :)

I remain optimistic of  the year to come, yet have made the conscious effort to temper those expectations with a healthy dose of realism.


"Be like the headland against which the waves break and break: it stands firm, until presently the watery tumult around it subsides once more to rest. 'How unlucky I am, that this should have happened to me!' By no means; say, rather, 'How lucky I am that this has left me with no bitterness; unshaken by the present, and undismayed by the future."
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

An apt approach to the future I think; to keep everything in perspective, and to face life's challenges stoutly and bravely.

Shan't spoil it with further over-analysis, and with that, I end my resolutions haha.

Happy New Year, guys! Let's make it an awesome one, wherever we may be, whatever we may be doing and (shall I say?) whoever we may/may not be with :)