Que sera sera

At some point all effort has been exhausted, then it's just best to leave things be and hope that they turn out for the best. Really hope my sis does okay for her PSLE. Wasn't such a big deal in my day, but she's been working so hard for it.

"Don't do today what you can afford to leave till tomorrow"

That is, of course assuming that we have a tomorrow to look forward to; of course. There's never a guarantee that we'll wake up healthy afterall. Heh but I find myself cynical with regards to that overly-cliched "live each day like it's your last".

Quick mental exercise: Come up with a list of just 10 things you'd do if you somehow knew that you weren't going to be around tomorrow.

Done? Somehow I kinda doubt that anything near approximating any kind of work at all would even begin to feature on that list. Now try increasing that to 50...how bout 100? 1000? Nothing, right? So, think about what'd happen to society if everyone started living that way; utterly disastrous. XD I think that the functioning of society is predicated upon the belief in the concept of a "tomorrow" and that society's greatest success has in fact been able to "guarantee" a tomorrow with a certain degree of certainty. Removes uncertainty; allows us to expand our event horizon and all that. So we have people slogging their guts out; spinning incessantly; cogs working to keep the construct of society up and running, with "tomorrow" simultaneously the carrot dangling in their faces and the stick prodding their collective behinds. Beautiful, isn't it?

So, why do I do what I do? Or more precisely, why should I be doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Well, ideally, personal satisfaction and achievement should factor in somewhere; but well; maybe it's cause while there is a chance I may not be on this Earth the next time the Sun makes its rounds (scientifically inaccurate, I know), it is quite probable (hopefully!) that I will be, so I'd best be working to make it a comfortable one; now shouldn't I?

It is invariably the case that it is only when others think that you need a break that you actually do deserve one.

'cept for when it happens to be Kit Kat of course; those capitalist pigs're only after your money.

But then again...

Mmm...doesn't seem like such a bad deal to me xP

Slow days... Looking at the recent deluge of uni-admissions related emails which have absolutely no relevance to me as of now; I can't help but wonder whether it's really okay for me to be so, so slack and relaxed.

A half-formed list of things to do resides, for now, in the foggy outskirts of my mindscape. The fog will clear soon; I know, as the time to face them draws closer. But for now, I'll just give myself a little time to chill :D

Yesternight's dreams were...weird to say the least. If dreams are supposed to be a reflection of what's going on within one's head; then I'm really, really messed up lol. Some cobbled up amalgam of the various BS I've allowed entry into my head and which apparently; have not only taken up permanent residence but have also taken to having wild parties over at their neighbour's.

First was some weird shit where I was at some weird market-carnival kind of thing where they were selling all sorts of random trinkets and so on. We were on a trip of some kind; so I only had an hour or so to look around. Everything was pretty normal; nearing the end of the hour; when a friend dragged me to some rock-painting booth; sat down and started painting; then my rock or figure or wtv became some gooey weird figurine with some details that I'd rather not mention lol. Then I was cutting away some parts that had melted and so on; then our guide came to look for us; it was time to leave. He looked at the idol I'd painted and basically said that I was screwed cause I'd seen some avatar of screwed-upness and would be cursed with horrible luck. Ok, whatever. Got on some open-air car of sorts which then drove off. After awhile; there was some maniacal laughing; and hornets, which I remember vividly to have known to be African Hornets, for some reason, started flying in through the windows and stinging everyone. There were some smaller bees too, I think. So they were stinging, stinging, all over the place and I was trying to cover my head and neck and crunched up on the floor and still they continued stinging.

At that point; I think I woke up a little; in one of those phases of semi-consciousness that occasionally punctuate long periods of sleep and had the vague realization that I was lying on my bed, but couldn't move, and could feel a residual stinging sensation all over my arms and legs. Even imagined that one of my friends had had a similar dream and had messaged me about it, and replied with a "wtf, me too!" Which evidently didn't happen IRL, so wtheck, the previous one could have been a dream within a dream lol. Then I closed my eyes again; and entered the nothingness of dreamless sleep.

After awhile, awareness came back again. (didn't know I was still dreaming; I think it's something like how when you're dreaming; you don't really question the reality around yourself or even wonder whether it's all a dream) The details elude me, seriously; but it was some really spastic nonsense. Was some new guy working at some zoo of sorts I guess; and was responsible for some giant squid-like monstrosity. I was unable to establish dominance over it; and feeding it and so on involved some weird procedures, culminating in me running for my life out of the enclosure to shut the door in its face. Eventually I messed up somehow and had to do battle with some Cthulhu-esque monster, which eventually became Squidward of all things, then I woke up.

Haha, just wanted to type that down for fun; I forgot a lot of what happened; which seems to be the norm for most people after they've had a dream but nvm. Quite spastic, and really a departure from my usual dreams; which tend to be of the more slice-of-life variety.

Random little thing my mum got for breast cancer awareness month; supposed to demonstrate how some lumps can be felt and how some can't; thus necessitating periodic mammograms, or so it seems. She kept asking me to press it lol. Haha; kind of reminds me what medical professionalism is supposed to be. Kind of like how there was a campaign a few years back asking patients with ED to signal that to their doctor with a thumbs down (N) and how my dad has a series of um...fruits?...indicating various levels of "hardness" xD Can't imagine getting to the point where I'd be able to maturely and tactfully discuss such stuff with virtual strangers lol.

 Came across this pic on FB, can't remember who posted it. Just putting it here cause idk; provoked some pretty visceral feelings for me. (Pun wholly unintended; at least initially xP) The insensitive caption is entirely mine; couldn't help myself. Google "hand of hope" if you're interested.

"Thanks for giving me a hand; but I'm really almost done with this operation"

Can the leopard change its spots?

The cyclical nature of life; which I find myself caught up by, much like a bottle out at sea; at the mercy of the ebb and flow of tides.
The form is different, of course, but the themes reoccur, and where I was last year; I find myself heading towards, yet again.
I thought I had changed (no seriously), so why does the same damn thing have to happen over and over?
This is not what Nietzsche meant when he talked bout the eternal recurrence; I'm positive of that. If it is, though, maybe I'd have a shot at becoming an Übermensch.

Lol, just learnt recently that "gay" = 断背 XD

We who seek balance now xP

So sleepy. And now; with the prelims practically over (with only the all so crucial chem MCQ left); now begins the pointlessly difficult task of normalizing my messed up sleeping schedule.

Time after Bio today was pretty unexpectedly spent :D Had some one to one time with an old friend; stoned around in the canteen for awhile; went out for lunch then went home. Pretty cool lah; quite an interesting, albeit cynical view on things. Not too many people I can simply sit around and casually talk with; without things getting stale; with no need for any pretense or crap like that. Very refreshing.

Quite random; but I'm just thinking that extremism is so much more provocative; so much more interesting than any old moderate stance to an issue. I remember hearing or reading somewhere that that's a kind of criticism or key difference that Westerners notice between Singaporeans and them. There's supposedly this tendency towards a balanced view; one that covers all bases (which I don't doubt has something to do with our culture; evidenced pretty much in GP essay criteria I guess) which makes us sound all the same?

Haha, I can't deny the allure of extremist views; no matter how messed up they are. Case in point; though I was horrified by one of my ex-classmate's opinions that society shouldn't support the disabled; as they constitute a drain on its resources; which he expressed in all seriousness, there was, to me, at least, a certain perverse attractiveness to it as something that bucked social norms; and the coldly dispassionate way in which he put his point forth. It's those who put forth these extreme views which garner the most response, it seems. Either by those horrified by them or those who've secretly harbored them themselves; yet never had the courage to give voice to them for fear of societal reprisal.

Even so, I can't say that I approve of extremity for the sake of being extreme. It's kind of like how I think when people say that "they're looking for mavericks"; they're actually mixing up causality and effect. They're actually looking for the traits and character that would make someone unafraid of breaking the status quo rather than the act itself. And now we have self-styled mavericks doing it for all the wrong reasons. Besides, maybe it's the conservative within me speaking; but somehow I really do believe that moderation does bucketloads more for stability than extremism does; don't you agree?

Maybe that's why I'm such a boring person :P

Some things will never change. You're one of them; and I mean that in the best possible way :)

On another note; 15 min delay on the red line...damn.

I don't want anything much anymore, I realize. When I say want; I'm obviously not referring to the material aspect alone. I find little appetite or ambition within myself; at this point of time, and a subsequent lack of motivation to really do things. I recognize that I'm running on auto-pilot right now; directed by the vague understanding that there's XYZ that I have to do; so I'd damn well better go do them.

After these last 2 prelim papers; I've gotta do some searching; I guess. To grasp at that soul which I'm not even sure I possess; to re-orientate and refocus. Fear has served as a passable "motivator" in the past, evidenced by those desperate bouts of late night mugging which I've become habituated to; come to see as a mere corollary of imminent examinations, up to the point where it's perfectly normal for me to stay up till 2 (or later) mugging for the day's paper; zombify myself right before; shake myself out of the stupor to take the test; crash right after, and do up my mugging while following the latest happenings in the back-to-back dramas running from 8-9, 9-10, 10-10.30 and 12-1 that my family so loves to watch. It's kinda scary the extent to which it's meshed so neatly into my daily routine.

And yet "passable" isn't quite going to cut it for the A's, now is it? I'll have to find my own way.

On a lighter note; Bio Paper 3 was THE paper; the paper which I've finally managed to fully and truly complete; without leaving any blanks, with all the answers done up to my satisfaction. So, we'll see how it turns out. I'll have to admit, though that I more or less neglected the preparations for it; only started on the Application stuff around 7 or so after waking up from the aftermath of chem, cramming the planning stuff while on the ride to school and entirely ignoring the Core stuff. (The goldfish experiment in the Respiration exemplars was hilarious, really. "Count the number of times the goldfish opens and closes its mouth within a 5 minute period" to determine the rate of respiration lol. Can just imagine some student carrying out the practical and swearing as he loses track of how many times that damn goldfish which swims around the beaker opens and closes its damn mouth. The weighing of the goldfish just smacks of animal abuse; and well, let's just hope that the pilot tests to find optimal temperature range did not end up clogging the drain.)

My left hand actually ached for hours after the paper; as I was more or less writing from start till end; and started spamming the theory for the planning experiment before I was done thinking through the whole thing. Felt a little high afterwards; it becomes ALOT less stressful when you stop treating it completely like a test and instead think of it as a challenge to see how much content you can stuff between those few lines within the stipulated time limit; as well as trying to predict what the marker wants and giving it to them; a little cynically, perhaps; when I got to the risks and precautions for the planning and wrote the stock answers of avoiding injury due to cuts.

After all that I've said, it'll be really embarrassing if I find out that I did really badly. Haha I don't see how people like Yongjin can put themselves on the line, figuratively speaking; by declaring that the paper was simple. Either they don't give a **** of what people think of them or they're supremely confident in their own ability. I fall within neither of those categories; so I'll just stop here ><

A Procrastinator's Warning

"Time is elastic", The procrastinator's creed. Just don't let it snap. Spur of the moment haiku XD I can't help but be reminded of Rette's epic: The dead bird is red. The dead bird is very red. The red bird is dead. ...um yeah, those were more retarded times. Can't say I didn't have a shitload of fun, though >.<

TGIF (On a Saturday, no less!)

I'd love to talk, but that's not happening anytime soon, now is it? > <

Spent the last few hours or so after getting back binging on my laptop; which has been little more than a glorified paperweight - occupying valuable real estate on my table which I'd like to think of as being in a state of deshabille but is unfortunately just plain messy - these past few days.

I'm not sure when it was that I started to find a certain serenity during these exam period. The days kind of blend into each other; paper after another, very idyllic (not idle, of course!) Even when rushing to cram for the next paper; those desperate 2 hours or so between Econs Paper 2 and Bio Paper, as I just sat there alone flipping at frantic pace through that stack of 7 or so topics, there wasn't really much stress to speak of. Going home straight after the paper to catch up on last night's sleep; cram again, rinse and repeat. Very simple; kind of unlike the bulk of our papers up till now xD

Now for some random spam on the prelims xP (You've been warned)

I've already alluded to Econs; basically didn't manage to finish writing any of my essays; didn't really allocate my time fully and spammed too much on that Merit and Public good question, which compromised the latter ones.

Bio was pretty manageable; thanks to the separation of application and core syllabus; which makes that whole smorgasbord of topics marginally digestible. Heh I think I relapsed into my RI form for Bio; where I approached each question with a little too much enthusiasm; literally spamming everything I knew, with little regard to the actual nuances of the question. I'll term it the "shotgun approach" (not to be mixed up with that DNA sequencing technique). The metaphorical shotgun may have metaphorically backfired though; since I didn't manage to finish the essay despite having a solid 30 or so mins left to tackle it. I got a little too complacent towards the end, methinks. I actually spent awhile debating with myself which question to attempt by trying to mentally list down the points I had for each. Not an optimal approach; hindsight tells me. Death by choice indeed... Shouldn't do too badly; though it's always impossible to tell, with Bio. It's always the analness of the answer scheme that trips me up; though I do realize it's got to do with my general ineptitude as well.

Chem was a disaster, to put it simply. It's probably the subject that I have to pay the most attention to right now; since I should be able to do it, can't give myself excuses like not having practiced enough since that's all down to my general laziness. Lost marks left right center; the most I can hope for out of Paper 3 is a pass. It's quite telling that when the thing started and I was briefly scanning the questions (hoping to eliminate the toughest, you see) and I started crossing things out; I quickly realized that there were none that I was confident in dealing with...

Math was a mixed bag. Paper 1 had those standardly non-standard pure math questions that just made me go "WTF!" stare at them for awhile; scribble something onto the paper; cancel my scribblings only to rewrite them all over again along with those really run-of-the-mill questions that I should really have been able to attempt much faster. Chalk it down to lack of rigorous practice, I guess. Speed could be further optimized. Paper 2 was actually a little fun to do; while I was initially worried about the time, after spending way too long on the first few questions; the statistics part was a breeze, as there's really alot less thinking and alot more regurgitating to do. Should be fine even accounting for the fact that I probably messed up the probability questions. My paranoid side fears that literally everything could have been wrong and I would have still walked out thinking that I did fine; but I hope that wasn't the case lol. The pure math part was the "fun" part; since imo, it involved alot less technique than in Paper 1 and required more thinking and problem solving. Heh, maybe it was a no-brainer for the rest of you who did it, but when finding the points of intersection of the tangent in the parametric question, I was randomly multiplying and cancelling terms, and it felt so good after managing to whack out the answer :D Ditto for the last part of the AP GP question, where after staring at it for awhile - with the very frequent glances upwards at the clock to see how many precious minutes were remaining - I finally began to see the glimmers of a solution. As frenzied scribbling followed; with each line of working taking up like 2 lines of foolscap; the pieces started to fit together, and realizing the last part of the puzzle - to multiply by 3/2 - to get the answer was so gratifying. Hahaha I can see how that feeling of gratification could get pretty addictive; it's just that so often there's so little time under exam conditions that the stress overwhelms everything and I'm unable to think straight. I'm normally unable to "see" the solutions for such questions, so good job for managing it this time, Chris! XD The vectors question was a nightmare; though I'm pretty confident that all my steps were correct; they didn't give us any "save points" at all! So I was just doing, doing, doing; and hoping really hard that I hadn't overlooked any careless mistake that would doom the rest of my marks. Especially so given that I've got a bad track record with such mistakes.. Lost >7 marks in CT2 cause I was rushing and did the dot product wrongly, getting 5x5 = 5 instead of 25 or something like that. Even worse was that when as I was done with one part and was checking the working; I realized that I had made 1x1 become 2 lol. Not exactly confidence-boosting material.

Hahaha, that's it for the Prelims spam this week (Y) My predicted grades aren't looking too good atm; GP, Math and Econs are already decided; so all that's left are Bio and Chem (well duh). Bio looks fine, but Chem...urgh...very jialat alr, it'll be a miracle if I can maintain CT2 standard.

And now, a short (PSA) by a friendly, stoned lemur:

Credits SY for showing it to me so long ago :D

"At school nag, at home nag; no peace at all -.-

-KYan

I need to write faster. Sigh. Maybe I'm comparatively disadvantaged when it comes to writing; having to forcefully push my hand across the paper when I write rather than the elegant gliding action that favors right-handers. My unfortunate affliction with sweaty palms means that at the end of the paper, I'm left with a blue stain on the bottom of my hand that would surely get me caught blue-handed should I ever decide to karate chop someone right after. Being unable to review what I'm writing as I write is pretty crappy too >< haha so should I concede this disadvantage and develop other areas of CA instead or continue to work at it? Answer seems pretty evident.

I'll end the random whining here

Let the season of daily sleep deprivation begin :P thank god for the distribution of papers.

Looks like I may or may not have had moldy bread for breakfast today -.-

Idk why, but I seem to be irrationally confident in the power of my "nitro boost" -.- hope I've not doomed myself

I'm 18 now, for all that it's worth. Quite a bit later than most of you, I'm sure. Legal to drink, attempt to drive, and...I'm not sure what else, actually. Heh and don't feel any different, of course. There's no impressive coming of age ritual/trial unlike some rainforest tribe where boys have to put on sleeves with bullet ants sewn into them, stingers inwards and bear the agony of hundreds of stings, each of which feels like "being shot with a gun" in order to be considered a man. Go figure. Here in "civilization", transitions are alot less clear cut: We have 10 year olds bearing the responsibility of grownups and "adults" who continue to act like kids.

Had a small but enjoyable celebration at home (we dined out at Fish & Co during the weekend) and it was quite heartfelt for me I guess. One of my sisters even went to the trouble of putting together a short slideshow (she's random and sweet like that) which wasn't that awesome but very appreciated XD

And well, something just a little related that I've been thinking is that I've been really fortunate and lucky that I've grown up knowing what it's like to be loved. Haha and I realize I complain about my family more than a little, but then there's all those small and not-so-small random gestures (which would sound incredibly strange to an outsider if I bring them up in normal convos) infused with a wordless love and care. Having received so much from both my nuclear and extended family, there's a feeling of wanting to share it with someone. I think I'm not that great at transmitting those wordless thoughts (for lack of a better word) though, which is a pity; cause though they always say that it's the thought that counts, how's the recipient supposed to know your thoughts to know whether they count unless you're able to adeptly convey them? :S Effective communication seems to be a general weakness in my family; and a major source of misunderstandings at times...we're able to get along perfectly well; then one of us opens our mouth, makes a passing comment - sometimes jokingly - which is then latched onto by someone else and the thing suddenly gets confrontational; may escalate into an argument and the mood gets really disgusting.

Probably something I should work on if I ever hope to have my intentions be understood; though sometimes, I may not even understand them myself xP

Breached

Oh, by and by; it seems like this sanctuary for my mind has been compromised by The Family. No idea how long this has been happening though.

Can't say I'm very comfortable with this; of having my little sister repeating quotes off here to me, or saying that some of my posts are "So cute". I'm not happy bout it; though I may not sound that way.

Not too sure what I'll be doing about it though; I could uproot myself, put in a password (though that wouldn't deter my brother for long; to him, passwords are merely a challenge to be confronted), limit the audience, lock it completely or simply do nothing at all.

We'll see after the Prelims, though I gain a measure of comfort from knowing that as a result of my second paragraph, all but the last course of action could likely lead to my littlest sister getting pummeled for "ruining everything with her big mouth".

The subconscious countdown ticks. 1. I can't help it, really :)

I'll avoid talking about such pedestrian issues as the degree of screwed-upness for the prelims; since that's a given.


I've managed to spend a little while messing around with Google Gravity which my bro introduced me to. Pretty cool I must say xP Everything falls down to the bottom of the screen; including search results (which are limited, of course) then you can use your mouse to flick them around as you wish! Coolest thing is that it can even sense if you turn your com and automatically make the pieces fall in that direction.
(Obviously engineered) Screenshot of some of my meddling below

 Quite low-res, I know, since I have no idea how to put up a screenshot other than copying over to Paint then scaling down. I'm open to suggestions, if there are any. On Chrome instead of the usual Firefox cause it just felt right. Give it a try if you've got a little time to burn.

I'm finding life at home surprisingly enjoyable. Isn't that lonely since the rest are usually home due to the September hols, and I really appreciate the additional opportunity to mess around with my family (though of course they can get horribly infuriating as well!). The only problem is finding it within myself to sit down and focus all my efforts on work; haven't been all too successful.

Minor bit of drama tonight: My maid saw this suspicious-looking guy loitering at the back of our row of houses from upstairs, so she turned out the lights and kept watch on him. Apparently, he went off; came back 15 mins later with some plastic bag and climbed over the back wall into the house neighbouring ours'. Obviously this was pretty suspicious behaviour; so my bro and me ran out (after ensuring we were suitably clothed; it's damn hot these days -.-) to the back to see what was going on. Trying to be as circumspect as possible, 以免打草惊蛇, we peered into the house and noticed that their back gate was ajar. We also heard the sound of furniture being moved around; "Perhaps by a burglar stumbling around in the dark?" an overactive imagination asked. Since there'd been a burglary at another house awhile ago, my bro (he's the brave, decisive one) made a call to the police to report the incident while the two of us remained watching over the back. Nothing seemed to be happening, though, and after awhile, some guy who was walking his dog passed by and asked us if we were waiting for anyone (we must have looked pretty suspicious, now that I think about it; standing around in the dark). When we answered in the affirmative, he said that he'd seen someone running out from the front towards the bus stop. Well, the Police arrived soon after, and the lights came on as well as my neighbours coincidentally got back at the same time. Statements were taken; and in the end, it seems highly likely that the guy in question was their maid's boyfriend "visiting" her while the owners my neighbours were out. Just a theory though.

Haha, disappointed? Well, I did say "minor", plus epic tales of heroism, 见义勇为ness and so on are only present in movies, books, as well as Primary School compos. So there >.<

Anyway; I'm in the mood for my random thoughts; so I'll just dump them here.

I used to think - perhaps a bit foolishly - that personality didn't matter; since it's possible for an individual to control what he (or she) does; and even control to some extent the way he thinks (read: positive/negative reinforcement for example) and acts. Think, for a very simplistic example, of the "bad guy turned good" trope that is so evident in literature. I'd question what personality actually was; the masks that we put on when we face others? (yes, that's a recurring theme) or the real face beneath. Quite some time back; I even got into an identity crisis of sorts, as I just sat there; mentally peeling back the layers like one might an onion, exfoliating myself; so to speak; and horror of horrors: I "realized" that there was nothing beneath, nothing overtly central or core to myself that was irreducible even when everything else had been stripped away.

A few months on, I think I can say that my thinking has matured. In part because I've associated with a number of "bad" personalities (I hesitate to say "bad people" as I believe that there are no truly bad people; just a whole lot of horribly mistaken ones) and one thing I've realized is that yes, they could easily choose to behave another way; but that it's impossible to judge a person in isolation from his choices. I have so many friends (heh, or maybe not that many); perfectly fine people, usually fun to be with; yet infuriating (to me) in their negativity. At first I'd keep making attempts to encourage them; and it works, for some. But there are those who never seem to change, despite all the effort put in; not only by me, but by others as well. And that kinda forced me to the realization that they're that way because they choose (consciously or not) to be that way. I'm not begrudging them that. I don't even know what the point of me saying this is. Probably simply to say that I really place value on these kinds of choices and cannot overstate the importance I place on them. Choices that determine destiny, or so they say.

And this belief has given me grounding, not only in the way I see others but also on a personal level. Where in the past I used to seek a definitive core pillar of "me-ness" which came out (rather immaturely I feel compelled to add) in so-called "golden rules" which I obstinately refused to violate - such as "To never tell lies" for example, or "To not put my interests before those of others" - simply because I wanted some element to grab ahold of in a world of shifting sand; I now realize (in quite a cliched fashion) that what I was looking for had been under my nose the whole time. That "me" that I seeked? Clearly visible when I'm walking along, see some rubbish on the floor and instinctively pick it up to throw away. Also visible; of course, when I could just as easily walk past some crap on the floor and not do anything about it. No need to make a point to myself by going all out to pick up everything that I come across. The same me who doesn't hesitate to offer help to a friend who seems to need it yet who sighs inwardly as my sister has yet another question she can't do and who somewhat imperiously commands her to come over that she may be enlightened. As I start to really pay attention to the choices I make; the way I react to things, I get a clearer picture of the person I am. And this following of trends in choices rather than the very absolutist way in which I used to carry(?) myself has made life a lot easier to live; way more enjoyable; way more appreciable. I do things because I feel (for whatever reason) like doing them; not to prove a point to myself; or - God forbid - other people. Life's much more open now; where I can say: "I am who I am; flawed, true; truly flawed; but me nonetheless" and only feel apologetic about it if I want to be.

Text wall, right? I'm not quite sure if I make much sense to a third-party, as all this is very much an internal train of thought; running on the convoluted tracks of my sulcus (cheem technical term for the crevices in our brains; thanks Google!). And I'm trying to put this certain view on life into words; which I am patently horrible at doing. Same thing goes for my narrative ability :)

Well, have any of you tried out Google Gravity?

You Are An Enigma To Me

Just wanted to share this link. Cheesy dialogue in the examples aside, I think that it's really meaningful, not only in romantic relationships but well...platonic(?) ones as well.

I haven't been able to complete a proper post recently; seems like that's only possible when I get an idea, sit down, and most importantly, don't let anything distract me till I'm done. Hehx, maybe I'm making this seem too much like a job. But that's only cause there's been so much I want to put down; random thoughts that have been festering in my head, as well as those that my brain simply churns out while in the shower; and there are alot of those, somehow the shower seems to be most conducive for my thinking...hmmm if only exams could be taken there xP

A friend asked me to do a peer evaluation for him a couple of hours ago. And to me; it was completely different from the evaluations I did up for my vice-capt and capt for that RD business. Why? I guess it's partially because he (or she) is a much closer friend; and when you - or at least I - stop for a moment to think about exactly what you know about those close to you, other than those stupid, albeit hilarious stuff which you did together, that's when the questions start rolling in.

There's always the feeling that you're not going deep enough; perhaps merely skimming the surface of the Mariana Trench. You know that there's got to be more to him (or her) than you see in the interactions you've had with him (no more her's; the pretense of gender equality got tiresome), that people put on different masks and personas around different groups of people (I'm not saying it's an act of deception btw), so really, it's impossible to "know" the whole spectrum of them. The worry that perhaps you're only acquainted with the most superficial aspects of him does persist; despite having some confidence in the relationship you two share.

No, I don't go around questioning the "reality" of what I perceive. It's pretty much an accepted fact; however you want to interpret that. Just something I thought was pretty interesting :)

So in the end, after a sortta agonizing 45 mins, I put together just a little over 300 words of my truest impressions of him; beginning with the awesome line: "XXX is a bit of an enigma to me."
I didn't attempt to fluff it up since I didn't want to dilute the sincerity of it; and well, to be honest, I don't think he needed it. He said that it gave him a "warm and fuzzy feeling" so I guess I can take it that I was more-or-less successful, in that what I wrote matched his perception of himself; either that or (rather more cynically) it matched what he wanted others to perceive him as xP
Just kidding, wouldn't have written it for him if I had felt that way~

We all seek an understanding that few (if any) of us will ever obtain. But sometimes I wonder, is it truly that bad a thing?