I'm up early, for once! Woke up 4-ish today after succumbing to sleep relatively early last night, having headed to the Estuary to gym & swim with my sisters. Hmm so besides practicing my backfall and occasional attempts at a backrise this fine morning, I guess I should get around to this. I've been procrastinating, after all, kinda fell out of the habit of putting my thoughts to paper and devoting my mind to this activity, far too easily have I let myself wander. Wonder. Well, no new year's resolutions today, just what's been happening since the last post and over this festive season, and we'll go on from there.

A relatively muted Christmas celebration this was, but no less treasured. We went over to my grandparent's place on Christmas Eve, then gathered at my aunt's for dinner the next day. Maybe it's a sign of how dysfunctional or at least that my nuclear family just doesn't prioritize things that way, but I always find myself impressed at how together she seems to have things, to be able to have us over and prepare an awesome meal for all of us. I wouldn't say I did much catching up, cause I guess there isn't that much catching up to do with those you're more or less intimate with, and maybe cause I've just always been plain horrible at that kinda thing, but it was nice to just spend time with them and bask in the familial atmosphere. It's a comfortable feeling, really. And yet I can't shake this indescribable sadness whenever I look at the aging spots on my grandfather's arms, feel the crinkly almost paper-thin texture of his skin, or listen to my grandma say, with a tinge of resignation "外婆老了". It probably speaks more of my yet emotional immaturity that I find this so hard to accept and deal with, I have to really treasure what I have now, I guess, rather than start thinking about what there is to lose.

I saw this poem of sorts on FB, shared it cause it really affected me, and I know how I'm usually against the reposting of stuff but well, here it is:

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

And it's a sin I commit way too often, to look at people, not only my grandparents but perhaps even my parents and others as who they appear to me to be at this moment of time, forgetting that once, they must have been just like myself, fraught with insecurities, uncertain about their future, and yet harboring dreams as well. And I say this, perhaps out of the fear that the exact same thing is going to happen to me one day, but also because I'd like to work on this as well, as an aspiring doctor and also as a child and grandchild. Will I be able to do it? I don't know. But if I am to have a heart, I must try.

You know, (and when I say you, I'm of course referring to a metaphorical "you" that'd preferably be perfectly in sync with my every thought, just saying) we've been talking about personalities for a couple of weeks now, while I do strongly feel that there are some serious problems when you look at personality tests as a way of lumping people into boxes (albeit evidently well-designed and thought out boxes, but boxes nonetheless) and attempting to justify/understand the things they do (it IS a mad world, afterall) there is merit in looking at these descriptions as a way of understanding yourself, your respective strengths and deficiencies and treating it as a constructive criticism of sorts, to know what you could afford to work on, or the reasoning behind why you might instinctively react in certain ways to certain situations, which is arguably the whole point of the entire exercise, no? I'd rather not put myself under a microscope at this point of time, but I guess I've always had trouble really connecting with people on a meaningful emotional level, hiding behind jokes, the occasional suan, or simply talking about nothing. The trouble is, and it really is a problem, is that maybe I have no idea what intimacy is supposed to feel like, so y'know, it may also be that this is it and that with constant analysis, questioning and self-doubt, I'm actually convincing myself otherwise. So I guess the people I'm most comfortable with, are those who I find pretty similar to myself, which may be why I was able to HTHT with Sean till pretty late that night, only downside though is that it sometimes seems like I'm talking to myself, albeit a more hardworking, dedicated version. The other type of people I guess are well, you guys, whoever else who happens to read this and knows that I'm talking about you. 

Well enough about that. These holidays just about culminate the end of my first semester of school. Yay. Towards the end, much of our focus was directed towards the Formative, our year-end exam, one intended as a practice paper of sorts as it's not going to go towards our final grade. I studied for it, of course I did, but I don't think I was particularly intense in doing so, honestly. I realize that I really enjoy physiology, have an appreciation for anatomy, but that I kinda dislike rote memorization, which I've probably said before. It's a field of study/occupation that requires it all though, so hopefully I'll be able to imbibe all the stuff to the point where it becomes knowledge I possess rather than something I'll have to continuously force down my throat. Revision, though, did allow me to see just how much we've covered withing this 4-5 month period, it's definitely a step-up from the 'A' level curriculum, in terms of depth of content, the amount of support we're given in trying to understand and make sense of it, as well as having the additional requirement of being able to integrate this knowledge into practice, especially when interviewing/treating patients, which we've had some small amount of experience with now in our clinical practice sessions. If there's anything that I've realized in my first few months as a med student, it's that it really is a very demanding course/occupation, so it worries me a little that I seem to be coasting by pretty comfortably for now, and as Sean mentioned, there are some questions with regards to the rigor of our curriculum, we seem to be covering a little less than what our other local counterparts are, with more focus on the intangibles of patient interaction, self-reflection and such, which, if you look at it another way, could just be seen as so much fluff. Maybe it's a situation where it'll only work if you really believe it. Some very valid concerns, though, but I'm committed already, so the only way left is to see it through, and make up for any shortcomings by working on it ourselves, I suppose. 

Well, New Year's Eve, time for 2014 to roll around :)

I obviously haven't posted in ages, so if you're still hanging around now, thanks, I guess. It just seems a little weird, writing about things that probably have no proper frame of reference for whoever's reading this, and things are in a right mess in my head anyway.

Between feeding my House addiction (oh what joy there is in medical dramas, especially being able to appreciate at least some of the things going on, and in a one horse open sleigh too! It's almost Christmas, guys) and attempting to prepare for my "finals" (do note the very intentionally placed ""s, maybe I'll get back to that later), I haven't spent much time in naval-gazing introspection, maybe all the thoughts have been right out displaced from my head. A proxy for actual thought. Pity, especially since there's so much that's happened. I should really keep a journal.

I've been on a bit of a spending spree recently, got a couple of cheap games on a Steam sale - there's this really awesome game called Surgeon Simulator 2013, you control a single disembodied left hand, and when I say control I really do mean control, you control all aspects, elevation, rotation, and each finger, individually, and as the name suggests, you conduct some borderline irresponsible procedures on hapless victims, you really should try it out - , a pair of cheap um I mean relatively cheap soccer shoes and a few sets of not-so-cheap comply eartips. Freaking awesome on all counts, though. This willingness to spend (though I end up feeling shitty about myself after it) is perhaps just one of the ways I've changed, apparently.

School and academic life: I should probably learn to stick to one method/medium of note-taking/studying, revision - to whatever extent I've been able to get to - is currently a huge pain in the ass with loads of various pieces of paper, pdfs and such floating around, in no coherent manner whatsoever. Haix. I need a better way to organize this information and fast. I'm also starting to develop this niggling doubt that I'm doing enough; not a fear that I'll be unable to meet the demands of the course but rather a nagging feeling that we're kinda short in academic rigor in the course. An MCQ formative assessment for this year end paper, assignments which though graded, award you full the full percentage for a "satisfying" submission. Hehx. Individually speaking though, I probably need to step up somehow. I'm honestly still thinking about how best to attack it.

Anyways, friends ORD-ed pretty recently, don't know quite what to feel about it. I'm not jealous or anything lame about that, just a general feeling of wistfulness that that was the date I'd been looking forward to for so damn long. But what does a guy who disrupted 5-odd months ago get to say about this anyway. From the outside looking in though, it does seem like a hugely anti-climatic moment: you've given up 22 months of your life to...something...and after that you're told that you're free now! You can go do whatever you want to do, or in no uncertain terms, to eff off, with a "thanks for serving the nation" if you're lucky. No further fanfare, nobody will miss you nor the 22 months, just you.And life goes on. Which is probably the most diabolical part of this. You'd like to think that when something happens, something significant to you, that it'd have a more significant effect on your life, no? Not for things to just go on. It just doesn't feel right, like the sanctity and severity of the moment has been violated somehow. Ouch.

Ok, it's 4, I don't have much else to write that isn't more complete and utter crap, so unless I'm suddenly able to express, in not so many words, the sentence that encapsulates the conflict that lies that the heart of the human condition, then I'm done.