"Obsession is a young man's game."
- Cutter, The Prestige

Good thing I'm (relatively) young then. Though there've been some moments this year where I've found myself thinking: I've got no time to continue with this, despite how important it is to me.

...which reminds me that it's about time for a year-end reflections kinda thing; what with it being the last day of the calendar year and all. But I don't find myself in a particularly reflective mood atm (though I do keep a mirror handy on my desk) so I'll put it off for now. Besides, I'm caught up in The Prestige, which is fantastic, incidentally, I'm able to appreciate so much more watching it once more.

The Pledge, The Turn, The Prestige.

QWOP

0 effort photoshop. Go check out the game here. I've only been able to make it to the 59 metre mark, sadly >.<

Lestrade: In another life, Mr Holmes, you would have made an excellent criminal
Holmes: Yes, and you an excellent policeman.

Sherlock Holmes (I) was badass and awesome. I can only wish I were as fast (intelligent); and I loved the accent and repartee as well! Quite a good family bonding experience as well; the three of us huddled in front of my brother's laptop; out of necessity, of course, ASUS screens have a notoriously small ideal viewing angle.

Now you know that my nightbirdness runs in the family ;)

Day 5+: Discovered a few new techniques which I've been playing around with; made some changes to the previous ones, and almost finished another as well! Still got loads of tweaking and adding of details to be done though haha. And I've still gotta go back and redo some parts so that the "style" is consistent.

Edit: Feel so much like a third wheel sometimes hahaha  ><

Weaponized sincerity must be one of the strongest forces known to Man haha. Though it does tend to lose effectiveness when used repeatedly; much like a certain someone's puns XD

Yesterday's outing to the board games cafe followed by Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was (I shan't say surprisingly xP) extremely fun! The movie's really good btw; I really do enjoy and appreciate an overly-convoluted plot interspersed between the obligatory explosions, gun fire, and fist fights. Throw in a dash of Indian billionaire with certain - shall I say - strange interests just for kicks and you're all set to go. No misrepresentation or any of that bullshit by the trailer; you know exactly what you're in for when you step in haha. T'was super shiok to just see things blown up one after another (Y)

We capitalized on this 6 bucks for 4 hours + free flow drinks at the cafe, though I couldn't shake the bloated feeling after the fourth cup >< Learnt to play some interesting board games too! Scotland Yard was pretty cool, and it was fun playing as Mr X, which I inadvertedly volunteered for after reaching for the seemingly cool-looking cap. Balderdash was absolute bullshit (in an awesome way!) and Dixit was fun as well, though after a quick Google search, I realize our points system was a little off (Jack!) : If nobody or everybody finds the correct picture, the storyteller scores 0, and each of the other players scores 2. Otherwise the storyteller and whoever found the correct answer scores 3. Players score 1 point for every vote gotten by their own picture.

Crashed after a shower at home, which is why I find myself awake once more :/

Misplaced Morality

Strange how I don't feel the slightest tinge of regret while helping myself to a plateful of escargot; yet feel so overly remorseful for having accidentally crushed a snail underfoot. And I don't think it was simply hearing the sickeningly wrong cracking sound either.

Guess I'm someone who doesn't like to get his hands dirty (not merely in the literal sense of the word) while enjoying the result of someone else doing just that. Disgusting.

Is condoning something or - even worse - gaining in the process any different from partaking in it yourself? Besides being able to adopt a supposed moral highground of course. I have some things to reevaluate I guess; though I wouldn't go so far to say that that's prompted by this single event.

And maybe, just maybe, I simply regret needlessly taking an innocent life :/

Day 4: I've downsized my target to a more reasonable one; and progress has been pretty good! Trying some shading now, effect's not too bad.

Great outing yesterday; shall just make a note here to go see Angie's blog if I want to recap it haha.

I made the proper decision regarding a kinda awkward situation (for me, at least) earlier without taking the easy way out I'd created for myself, so I'm semi-proud of myself for that.

Shall go to sleep now and (hopefully) wake up early enough that I'm not late for today's appointment. I really don't like to keep people waiting; and I even missed out on a round of bowling thanks to that yesterday as well!

Must have offended some elder god resting beneath the waves; cause its been a run of awfully bad luck. The start was almost painful to watch; would have settled for a draw, but it really stepped up imo; and deserving of a win with the second half. Don't quite feel compelled to rage; but it's a little sickening how things settle into the same old pattern no matter how hard they try to change it.

Had a decent Christmas out with the family while feeling absolutely horrible throughout; thanks to this nose of mine which has caused me untold problems over the years haha.

Was basically drifting in and out of wakefulness; knocked out in the car and at that lighting shop with the amazing lights and the night culminated in dinner which we had seated at the back alley of a Chinese restaurant in Geylang. (The food wasn't bad at all, btw; so guess I shouldn't have laughed so readily at YYJ's repeated offers to bring us there for food XD)

Took some meds after coming back before falling asleep; only to find myself kinda wide awake right now. Guess my enforced nocturnalism (which incidentally comes out as "no fur alien" on auto-correct) is taking its toll on me.

Happy Boxing Day! Heh I still remember a family trip to BTNR on this same day so many years ago (our first time there; and we haven't gone back since) where we went to the "peak" and had a nice picnic there. Was pretty memorable cause that's when the "first" notable tsunami struck; and they seem to be occurring with increasing frequency lately :/

And all I want for Christmas is?

I read too much into things, perhaps. But when I get so little to work with; how can I not?

Haha anyway, Merry Christmas, to whoever reads this blog; and who I haven't wished already. And as early Christmas morns go; this one hasn't been too bad - though I've been sitting alone in front of my computer monitor, I've had company through the wonders of the internet.

I won't dwell too much on the Christmas Spirit (the spirit of giving, maybe? but hasn't it become a marketing ploy? so, the Spirit of Capitalism?) but whatever it is, I feel it in much diminished proportions this year. This year, there's this air of tiredness permeating the entire affair. Much has happened the past few months, my parents having to cope with my sister's Sec school admission stuff; appeals and all, most recently, following certain problems which have thankfully started to stabilize, and with the whole business of moving house. The annual Christmas dinner seems to have been annulled too.  To me, a non-religious guy; Christmas has always been about getting together as one big family - we don't have to do anything in particular mind you - and it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen this time. The gift-giving/receiving has always been secondary - or even tertiary (or quaternary!) - to that. I'd be delighted to be surprised though!

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Something which I find to be a good thought-exercise is "Why? Spammage". The inner convo goes as follows:

Me: So, you want XXX?
Me: Yup!
Me: Why?!
Me: Um..because ABC?
Me: Why do you want ABC?
Me: Uh...DEF...
Me: Why?

And it goes on. Haha and I tend to get battered down very often, though sometimes I go "F*** it!" to myself and my whys and go ahead anyway.

Day 3: Can't believe I freaking spent so many hours on that zipper alone. And it's still not done. I'm starting to doubt whether I'll be able to finish this in time :s Though I'm really liking the way it's turning out! Not too bad for my first time haha.

I won't even think about why I'm doing it, cause the process has superseded the reason. It also gives me something to do in the wee hours of the morning, which can only be a good thing, right?

Finally done with the correction tape centerpiece! Heh I'm pretty satisfied with the way it turned out; and I think I'm getting the hang of this. Should be alot faster from now on.

So not worth staying up for. T.T

At least I did something semi-productive while waiting. Photoshop is really tough to pick up.

Just because someone is being more vocal about their own issues doesn't necessarily mean that theirs are more severe than someone else who decides to keep mum about it.

It's really hard to keep an objective view and not be swayed in the face of such emotion. It seems like a balancing act: To not disregard and discount an individual's personal suffering while rationally weighing it against other cases in an objective manner.

I've still got much to learn, and more people to meet. My current world has been so, so, small.

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Something, though:

When you extend the hand of hope; it's only courteous to keep it extended, and follow through all the way. I, for one, can understand how much it hurts to be given a glimpse of a glimmer of hope only to have it vanish once again. So much more cruel than having done nothing at all.

I could really empathize with the chastising tone, and the evident disillusionment.

Don't make promises that you can't keep. As for me, I endeavor to keep to all the promises I make.

See the difference? :P

Procrastination gets you - or me, actually - into some pretty unsavory positions.

Well, I won't use that as a backdoor for retreat any longer. It's no longer about whether I have a chance or not; it's a matter of principle. I'm getting sick of how epic I am at simply just throwing away opportunities which have practically fallen into my lap. Can't get into the mindset of taking them for granted.

Scary thing is that I'd probably have done it again this time round (and I may still have let it slip; it still remains to be seen) were it not for a friend of mine, and sudden last minute desperation.

I've got some little projects to be completed as well; I should probably take them out of that "Personal Failures" folder I've got on my desktop.

Think positive!

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On another note, was helping a friend look through her personal statement the other day; really quite impressive.

Kinda got me into a different kind of mindset. In JC, we're looking at finding the correct answer; or more precisely the response that is A-worthy (thanks Mr Tang) but outside it's more about personal voice, and all the stylistic decisions that act as a differentiating factor. And it's really hard to say, "I think you should do it this way instead", cause it's all a matter of what you're trying to convey; to emphasize upon. Given that, I guess I shouldn't feel so insecure about my own take on things. Other people will do things their way; but it's because I do things my way that makes me unique, right?

Haha I think I'm losing coherence; as can be seen by how the previous para has less point than this sentence alone, which I shall end without a period, thank you very much

Isn't the first pointless thing I've done, and it definitely won't be the last.

I shall go to bed now.

I'm freaking elated.

There's much to be done tomorrow/today so I guess I should go sleep now; huh?

Some viewers came over again, but I doubt they were too impressed with all the clutter around the house. Heh we really have too much junk. Speaking of which; I found myself rummaging through my stuff earlier today in an attempt to dig up that NUS letter. I failed; sadly, despite flipping through everything. In the process, I chanced upon these spiders which had nested in my Bio file of all places. Like seriously, I was moving my files around, just casually opened it, and just went WTF; there are things crawling around on the pages. Relocated them to the toilet, with much vigorous application of tissue, and gave them a grace period of a few minutes to scuttle off to wherever spiders goto (I mean, they even took residence in a freaking file FFS) before opening the floodgates; hosing down the toilet floor.

Maybe that's why I occasionally get this creeping feeling up my legs; and up my spine, even, as I sit in front of my laptop. Creeeepy =D

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At first you see a gulf and think; "Hey, that's not so big, I can cross it!" But as you approach closer, it just seems to get wider and wider; becoming a gaping chasm that one could not even dream of bridging.

Maybe I'm just not being creative enough. Yeah! I could probably fly across if I grew a set of wings, right?

Life will find a way

Having listened to people who live day to day, as they attempt to juggling various pressing concerns; utilities, education, loans, transport, food, and so on; I've realized how laughable my desire to earn "only" just enough so that my family can have a comfortable life would sound to them!

I'm pretty confident at my ability to find fulfillment in someway or another in what I do; so I'm resolved to not be so hesitant about the future, or to keep worrying about future outcomes. And even if I don't end up where I want to be, I'm sure I'll be able to derive joy from some other areas of life.

I feel young for once, after yesterday. Woefully helpless, true, but able to see the future and potential ahead of me. It was good to mix with a different breed of people (not being elitist or discriminatory or anything, but that's the truth) for once, really enlightening and inspiring. 

The word "Youth" is starting to gain some pretty positive connotations in my mind.

Late night posts don't exactly lend themselves towards a banal recount of the week's happenings; now do they? So I'll leave that as a draft for now, pursuant to when I'm in the mood to complete it.

I feel set adrift in time. Without the definition of a concrete deadline (the one on 31st Jan aside), the days blur into each other; literally even, given my current sleeping pattern. Weekdays may as well be weekends; discounting TV scheduling of course! It's a very carefree feeling.

And it's when things intrude upon this that it becomes particularly jarring. With certain things coming up; I've been having to consider what I want to do, really. Yet there's also the distinct possibility of thinking myself into inaction, where I basically vacillate between the options till I'm forced to make a choice; where I inevitably pick the easier, less troublesome (and potentially less rewarding) one as I haven't the time to prepare myself for the other. I've got a few days left for this one, so I'd better start working on it.

I've been given free reign to do practically whatever I want these past few weeks; but I've also been realizing that I can't/shouldn't simply reject the outside world because of some perceived entitlement to enjoyment, relaxation etc following the A levels and before entering NS in a month's time. And yet when I see the fractures in relationships; the tensions and dissatisfaction that have accumulated; and find myself powerless to do anything about them, I feel like just looking away, busying myself with something or another, to avoid thinking about it. The proverbial ostrich with its head buried in the sand. Or maybe it's that this current state of affairs has been sustained for so long that it no longer features strongly in my mindscape, regardless of its severity. Kinda like how relations between N. and S. Korea are pretty bad right now, yet mending them doesn't feature too strongly on the global agenda as it's shown itself to be something able to be set aside and left on slow boil (at least for now) in the face of more pressing problems.

Why do we have to bear things which are unbearable? Does doing so make us that much stronger? Really?

"That which does not kill us can only maim us for life"
- A wise man

Small incident that occurred some time ago has served to fuel my belief that relationships in general are all give and take. There are so-called "bad" sides to everyone (subjectively speaking); say, a friend. You've just gotta weigh the bad against how much you value the person and well..make a decision as to whether you'll want to go on or not. It's all about what you're willing and able to accept and what you just can't accept no matter what.

Of  course; society tends to make things much more complicated.

True, it's impossible to make everyone happy.
It's hard enough to make just one person happy; even of that person is yourself.

What is happiness anyway?

Heh but I think it's important to never take unhappiness as a given, as something that can't be helped, and become apathetic to it, when it manifests itself in either yourself or those around you. That'd be monstrous. And it's all too easy to do so; at times.

Joy. Though there were some freaking nail-biting moments in there. Do it by a more comfortable margin next time, won't you?


Felt pretty old after going down to Safra on Thursday, same feeling I get whenever I go back to Yishun, actually. 6 years doing shooting, going down to Yishun...blah blah I don't really feel like going over the whole thing again. On to the exciting stuff!

I somehow managed to blunder my way into a job with my coach's company; pretty much a once-off thing unless they need me again; to coach Pri 4-6 kids in shooting. Pretty cool right? Haha and being paid $10 per hour isn't that bad either; for doing something that I'd be willing to do FOC otherwise. But it's a sign of how things have changed in the shooting arena. Last time, you'd just tryout in Sec 1, and work on it from there. But now, with shooting becoming a more established sport, you have kiasu parents sending their kids for shooting courses; in the hope of landing them a chance to DSA into certain schools. And now comes the advent of the Sec 2 rifler hitting 590/600, and another Sec 1 being able to reach 580, as my coach proudly pointed out to me. Exciting times, and a little scary, too.

There's little to no room for underachievers such as myself; at least competitively speaking. And I can't help but to admit feeling some measure of sympathy for all those little kids, especially those really tiny ones, who so stoically attempt to raise and stabilize the rifles. Quite cool coaching them, though, especially the way they follow instructions unquestioningly xP

Quite a heartfelt farewell to Shaofei. Think I was getting pretty emotional towards the end, a little embarrassing but wtv. My problem I guess is that I have a tendency to see things as simply black and white when I lose my head over something; things won't be that bad, obviously, and we'll still see each other again, so look up, yeah?

Spent the bulk of yesterday at a lighting shop of all places. My parents; or I guess my family as a whole is freaking indecisive, so we ended up spending 3 hours there, being freaking ambivalent about all the different lighting options. Ceiling? Pendant? Warm white/Cool white? LED/Halogen? Round/Rectangular? Sheesh. Halfway through I just found myself sitting on a sofa there, flipping through some magazine on landscaping before just falling asleep. Went to another shop after that; which was much more interesting (all in the presentation, I guess), had these freaking beautiful Swarovski crystal lights, where an LED shines through the crystal, which is cut so that it reflects the light until it forms this uniformly awesome pattern on the wall. Haha, I may just want to indulge in that sort of nonsense if/when I get a house next time.

Could have gotten grievously injured today when my mum decided to move the car while I had just opened the door and was getting out; but I escaped unscathed, luckily enough. Was pretty much stunned when it happened, can kind of feel a very tangible feeling of something bushing right past me.

Phew. 

Lost in Transit

4am and I find myself awake; once more.

It's quiet; save for the occasional giggle emitted by my little sis, as she watches some drama on the iPad (she uses earphones, thankfully) And it's kinda funny, these strange thoughts I find passing through my head at this late - or shall I say early - hour, when the filters of wakefulness are replaced by something else entirely. More intense; and less logical. Impulses seize me, and I'm beginning to understand the mentality behind the drunken calls made in the middle of the night so typical to poorly scripted shows. Which reminds me of an interesting yet simultaneously infuriating experimental feature that Google Labs made available so long ago. The premise is that you aren't in the right frame of mind on Friday nights, which may result in some emails being sent without due consideration. The solution? Making you do a number of simple mathematical operations to show that your brain is working fine, thank you very much; before the email can be sent out. Not sure how effective it is, though, except for eliciting the occasional sigh when sending out some overdue work, like during PW last year xP now I pretty much treat it as an unexpected surprise; a way to relieve the boredom.

We're going down to Safra later today, to pay a visit to Coach, and hold a farewell of sorts for Shaofei I guess, who's going back to China tomorrow. Can't help but feel a little sad. There'll be friends flying off; over the next few months, and even more further down the road. And as for those who don't, who knows when we'll next meet again; excepting the results collection, of course. It's not just those acquaintances, or "friends of a friend" who you lose, but people whose company you genuinely enjoy and really get along with; as you lose opportunities to meet up out of the school context.

That's what everyone was trying to do during Grad Night I guess; to preserve a memory of having once crossed paths, and yet I find myself cynically noticing, as I scan through the many albums on Facebook, that in each series of photos, which typically comprise of the camera owner standing next to a friend; that the expression, posture, pose; all pretty much remain unchanged between one pic and the next; is there any meaning to it? Is it all just a formality?

I don't doubt that in the future, I'll look at the very same images with fond memories, but now they're just another reminder of what stands to be lost in this transitory phase.

At the end of the entire event, we had people like Hanis and idk who else singing exuberantly on the stage while others jumped around in what Mao termed as the "Mosh Pit", celebrating graduation; the end of As etc, and yet those were the thoughts going through my head. While others can look ahead and celebrate life so energetically, I guess I'm too tired and jaded to do the same.

The double-headed eagle symbolizes drawing upon our past strength to pave the way for a glorious future. I, however; find myself sorely in need of that additional head, as I find myself dwelling in the past.

Perhaps some random-mutation-inducing radiation would do the trick.

Words unspoken; thoughts and feelings that can't be conveyed.

I watch too many serial dramas for my own good; makes me horribly unrealistic.

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And nocturnal, too, evidently.

Crash and burn :)

We all deal with it in different ways, I guess. Primarily by occupying ourselves with other things; to avoid thinking about it.

I wonder when I'll be mature enough to be accepting of it; as a fact of Life.

Life and Death. Can they exist independently, I wonder? Does Death necessarily follow Life, and does Life require Death to persist?

I guess I'm pretty foolish; feeling loss before it has even occurred.

Time seems horribly persistent, at eroding away the things I love and care about.

The helplessness felt when confronting such an unstoppable force is just disgusting.

I let my emotions get away from me again. Couldn't really help myself, with the way things are.

Maybe it's better to have had nothing; rather than something superficial, afterall.

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It's starting to sink in, amidst the highness; which tbh, I don't know how much of is truly heartfelt.

Whoa: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/04/21/080421fa_fact_paumgarten?currentPage=all

Leap of Faith

I can't organize my thoughts into a coherent post, so here goes:

Elation that the As are almost over; yet consumed by a sense of lost-ness as well.

The removal of the "blinders" of our education system has let me see how vast this plain actually is. I'm the kind of person who doesn't fare well in an Open World RPG; where you aren't locked in by quests and targets (though there is a main storyline) as I tend to feel at a loss for what to do. You simultaneously want to do everything and yet stand in inaction cause you don't know what to start with, for fear of making a mistake.

I've got to rid myself of this fallacy of rightness, and quell this desire for a perfection that doesn't exist, lest I obtain the exact opposite of it. Cause it's so easy to just sit down and twiddle my thumbs (an overused cliche, I'm aware) while waiting for the "right" opportunity.


So, I'm unsure of exactly what it is I want to do; yet 6 years of formal education have at least shown me where my interests lie, which fortunately enough, I seem to have an aptitude for; unlike my unfortunate affair with shooting (though I haven't exactly given up), something which I am thankful for. Now the only thing holding me back is the worry of where these interests will bring me.

I like to know what I'm getting into, you see; and rarely is it that I can find the confidence to take a path without the slightest idea of where it leads. And yet now I must. Must let the winds of fate (another cliche!) sweep me up and carry me where they will and hope that Fate smiles upon me kindly.

And perhaps I can draw comfort within this uncertainty; that this is something all of us have to go through, a shared experience. And draw strength from the knowledge that I have the resilience (probably) to survive whatever buffeting the winds put me through.

Failing all; recent events have reassured me that I'll always have people to fall back on. It's quite inspiring, really, to see how family support each other in times of need; though we may bicker, quarrel, and make snide comments about each other at times.

The end of the As herald the end of one phase of life and the beginning of another. We set sail from the same port; this safe harbor of ours, for (relatively) uncharted waters.

And where we'll end up, nobody knows xP

I do sincerely hope though that our time together doesn't end here, and if we don't follow the same path, that our paths intersect frequently and joyously. Godspeed.

Rambling repetition; but that's what a blog's for, right? I certainly didn't produce an essay plan for this particular endeavor. I'll do a proper As roundup after Bio on Thurs; don't want to get ahead of myself.

Pretty much exhausted all the MCQ resources I have at my disposal and I'm still not confident :o

Well it'll be over soon, one way or another..

Waiting for my sis to collect her PSLE results. Kinda anxious

Life, interrupted

I woke up freezing; almost completely immobilized by the shivers that wrecked my body. The residual effect of a particularly intense dream, perhaps, or maybe the logical outcome of spending the night on the cool marble floor, fab turned on full blast, amplifying the chill following an early morning shower (of rain, that is).

It was a strange dream. I usually dream of stuff more grounded in reality, but I guess a few hours of Skyrim followed by Towers of Midnight did wonders for my imagination. It started out pretty innocuously; but I somehow ended up wrestling with this guy who was gradually morphing into a freaking bear as it progressed, claws penetrating my hands. All part of some "game" where depressingly enough, the only way to win was to let others do me in. Got struck cruelly by freezing jets of water; cold exemplified, and I woke up (pretty similar to a kick in Inception, now that I think about it) freezing, outright shivering, even more than in the damn MPH at its worst.

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Whee.

As if it wasn't obvious enough, I spent the whole of yesterday in utter debauchery (I love using hyperbole), playing around with Oblivion, and reading this book I borrowed on the way home after dinner with the rest. It felt quite liberating to finally be done with the written papers (apologies to those taking H3 XD)and to be done with econs. Kinda satisfied with what I managed to crank out; the most I've written for an econs paper; so I'll accept the result I guess.

Still coming to terms with the fact that it's pretty much over (complacency issues aside); quite anti-climatically in fact. I can't help but wonder whether much of the major things in life are like that; intense in the buildup; with the climax coming and passing easily. Well.

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A pertinent question, methinks:

How does one start to live life again; having put it on hold for so long?

I'm rather optimistic that the coming weeks will hold an answer :)

I hope this mess at home sorts itself out :/

I'm playing witness to some horrid drama; or perhaps involved in one, if you consider close relatives being involved as some form of involvement.

I won't go into the details. quite private I guess but it's been a quick study in the collapse of life. Kinda makes you wonder what's the point of working so hard; expending one's efforts in the struggle when everything can crumble apart so damn easily.

Finished reading One Day by David Nicholls awhile ago; my sister borrowed it from a friend, I picked it up to take a look, and couldn't put it down thereafter. Quite a poignant read, wasn't trashy at all, and I can only wish I could portray such emotion and fluency in my writing (I can't).


"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players"

We're quite the consummate professionals. Regardless of how dilapidated the stage we stand upon; how shitty a script we're handed; how empty and uncaring the audience; we carry on, persisting in our given roles; and never, ever, jump off the stage, or refuse to stage the show. Propelled by the irresistible force that is Life. 

I guess family is simultaneously your greatest potential 克星 and the only thing you can fall back on in times of need.

I use "克星" because I don't have a suitable analogue in English xP "Enemy" is too harsh a term; while "rival" doesn't quite cut it. Just an opinion of mine, anyway, cause nobody has quite as many holds over you, an intimate understanding of your weaknesses, nor the fine edge honed over years of experience arguing with you; and is just basically as perfectly placed to harm you than a family member. And the seeds for conflict are definitely there. It's amazing (not really) how all those past arguments and misunderstandings; set aside with the tacit understanding that life together has to go on, without really being resolved, and eventually forgotten; how they immediately come broiling angrily to the surface of the broth that is family life, bursting and releasing this distinctly unpleasant flavor.

Quarreling with others is unpleasant enough; but at least it ends there, usually. But with family it's different. One thing leads to the next; setting off a series of once dormant landmines, and you end up landing a glorious x88 combo; welcome in a game of Bubble Breaker perhaps, but definitely not IRL. It can get ugly; that's what I mean.

And you think it's bad enough in childhood; when you'd think you're still establishing the rules of engagement; you have shrill arguments between sisters involving snarky comments and the occasional chopper-wielding rage-induced chase and complaints to Dad and Mum. But everything tended to end there. Scale it up; as years fly by, adulthood comes knocking, and I've observed that the intent - the almost instinctive lashing out in response to some perceived slight, some dreadful injustice; to inflict something and garner a response - is the same; but well, everything's so much more severe.

Semi-rant but whatever. Just hope things end like they usually do: With everyone a little embarrassed at their behaviour; exchanging sheepish looks and mutually agreeing not to bring it up ever again.

Until the next time, of course.


Just witnessed some proof of familial bonds though; unhesitating assistance and support even amidst all this 5h!+ that's been happening, so I'm feeling hopeful :)

The worst kind of disillusionment

Throw me a line; and give me a sign.

Through I guess the writing's been on the wall for at least awhile now; with me adamantly refusing to see it.

I'm finding it hard to distance myself from this material world and ascend to one of thought and ideas; freely flowing, unfettered by the deary constraints of reality.

I believe (believed?) in a spiritual existence transcending or at least running parallel to our material one. Yet it becomes so hard to believe; after witnessing the ugliness born from a firm entrenchment in the latter to the exclusion (somewhat) of the former.

Gotta spend the next 3 days getting my writing up to speed; while the inner critic can't help but wonder why this issue wasn't addressed earlier on.

I remember berating my sis once as being shallow and superficial after overhearing a conversation she was having with a friend that revolved around the loss of a mark or so in this or that math test. Heh ironic then that I find myself doing that as well.

But then again, tests are probably the most common denominator between any particular bunch of students, so they're bound to be a talking point; especially in the aftermath of a 'major' test.

I'm just not feeling it. I should be overwhelmed by the importance of performing in them but I can't. I won't jinx myself by talking bout next year; but yeah. With all the buildup from the start of the year (and arguably even last year) it all seems very anti-climatic somehow :/ haha but it's good that way; let's just get the As and go off without any drama; I have serials for that, even though life itself may be a little lacking ;)

General trend for Cambridge 2011? Expected the unexpected. And of course; to pray* to the forces that hold sway over the Bell Curve; a curious entity spoken about in only the most reverent of whispers. For it holds the fate of us lowly mortals in balance. (Assuming we fail some one-tailed XYZ-test at the 30% level of significance)

*Godlike entities not included.

Really a case of 谈钱伤感情...

Ninja cold; damn.

I think I'm so freaking lazy and such an awesome procrastinator that if you told me that I'd disappear in 7 days if I didn't flick this switch; I'd wait till 11:59 on the 6th to get around to doing it.

Why has Hayate no Gotoku been so didactic of late? Seriously..

In other news; the Blue Hand of Death makes its return; albeit attached to an Arm which feels like its falling off.

It's fun to make light of things sometimes; helps to undermine the gravity of the situation and provides much needed pressure relief, much like parks and green areas do.

Is it okay to use the AQ as a thinly-veiled appeal for sympathy from those Cambridge markers?
I'll get back to you about that come April 2012 (provided the world hasn't ended,of course)

So it begins..

Chem today wasn't horrendous; but not as good as I'd hoped.
Prepping myself for a shitload of writing tomorrow. GPGPBIO URGH. Hope inspiration strikes as I attempt to put out something for GP tomorrow.

It's the subjective subjects which are most frightening; there's so little you have zero control over.

But we do what we can, I suppose. That's life.

And I've already started thinking bout what I'm gonna be doing a month from now; foolish, isn't it? :P
See you at the end of this tunnel; as we have the roller-coaster ride of our lives

Suffered a minor panic attack when I couldn't find my entry-proof but it's all fine now *phew*

You won't ever see this; that's for sure, but whatever.

I'm sorry that I'm so meaningless. The words - or thoughts, at least - are there; in the somewhat shallow recesses of my mind, yet my brain freezes up, and my voice fails me; and I end up blurting out the first thing that pops from the mess.

The more I care the more strongly I am afflicted, a personal failing I guess.

But I'm truly sorry; anyways.

"I've never heard that before"

I'll endeavor to make it so that that phrase when directed at me; will be accompanied by awe and amazement rather than a look of complete and utter bafflement.

Guess I should feel fortunate that despite my frequency of accidents - tripping over LT chairs, falling down LT stairs, sitting on broken LT chairs and falling, knocking into doors and most recently; 'surfing' (sliding) on wet drain covers - I'm still relatively healthy and well (expect for being perhaps a few knocks shy of where the 'special' line is drawn *hehe*)

False elation, over things trivial; no doubt and I've managed to reach 8 once again, 6 when tired.

That's the furthest this hand can reach. It can't go any further.

Broken paragraphs, fragmented thoughts. Oh well.

The Invisible Man

Simply drifting through the costumed crowd; attempting to soak in as much of the festive aura as possible. Pretty much the last Halloween around this neighbourhood; afterall. The simple act of removing the badge made a pretty convincing "costume": "I'm dressed as a PAP member!" (and isn't that the worst monster?) Just kidding, of course~

I didn't have the temerity to go trick-or-treating in that getup, of course. Didn't feel up to it; and going solo; I'd just have felt like an over-grown manchild. Company does make retarded stuff feel more appealing haha. All the deco was pretty good; many were so into it; then there were the "candy grubbers" who merely donned the obligatory witch's hat or devil horns and went door to door with their NTUC plasticbags loading up on sweets. I used to number among them a few years back; armed with a camera. "I'm dressed as a cameraman!"

Too old for Halloween, now; but not too old to want to ignore it completely. Feeling the need for people around me; yet wholly unable to blend in; merely wending my way through the crowd; bemused smile on my face; there, yet not there; really. Gazes landed on me, briefly; before sliding past; preoccucied with identifying the next sugar dispenser. "Nice costume, dude" a bunch of guys called after me; barely registering a response.

Am I here? Or am I not? And does it make a difference?

We all can't be strong; and even the strongest of us need some validation of our existence. That's just the way we roll.

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