When the passion's gone and all that's left is routine and counting the days as they crawl by, what then? I wish I had an answer, but unfortunately I'm as much of a stranger/victim as you, feels much like poking around in the dark, it's all really quite meaningless at the moment. Where were we at the start of all this? Not exactly brimming with energy but eager, at least, to fulfill the potential and expectations, to serve and pay our dues. I find it both telling and immensely sad that the organization contrives so well to sap those very men - us - who it relies upon to keep "moving" (I could be a lot more sarcastic here but I'll refrain) forwards of their drive and motivation by lumping them with a whole steaming pile of nothing? We want to feel rewarded, or at the very least appreciated for our efforts, above and beyond the job description, instead of having all this crap shoved indifferently down our throats. Routine, threats of revoking so-called privileges etc, it's not that I don't get where you're coming from and it's evident that there's a serious divergence in terms of expectations on both sides, but when one party is simply shafted into compliance you obviously can't expect optimal results now can you?
And when we have to stand and fight for what is "right" amongst the ranks of the disillusioned, unmotivated and downright lazy, it helps a lot if you can just give us some kind of reason to carry on, rather than finding ourselves attempting - futilely I feel inclined to add - to justify and marshal them to carry on, while the temptation to join them; in a system which taxes the try-hards & go-getters while rewarding the "smart" ones who geng all the way, grows stronger day by day. It's all become quite meaningless to me, and I know that there's a mixed morality at play here when I find myself unable to explain exactly what it is that is wrong with the self-righteous geng-sters, why afterall, go for bothersome parades when a status is so readily available with a quick trip down to the MO? Why not pluck some wisdom teeth, get medical appointments (MAs) whenever convenient and just disappear for the rest of the day? Why not, even, go for a circumcision and get half a month of Att C? Why indeed.
I find myself speechless; there's really no rational argument against it. I read this book "Why be good", something along those lines way back in RJ, it's certainly beneficial to adhere to the system but even more so to cheat it whilst giving all appearance of compliance, and that's something which ultimately it wasn't able to satisfactorily address.
How now? I'm still pretty sure about what I believe in, but find myself in the odd position of being unable to justify it to and bring others around to it. It's a troubling position to adopt, especially when it's impossible, not to mention incredibly tiring to work alone, and I'm also not noble enough to do so, so I find myself being sucked into this overwhelming vortex of temptation and hating myself for it every step of the way.
I have ideas! Things I want to implement! Things which I think will really help in terms of longevity and so on. But support is so difficult to garner, especially in this messed up shithole, and something else always crops up..and they sink into the morass once more.
A way, perhaps, to subdue the enthusiasm, preserve it and keep it from dying out. Save it for something outside which is really worth fighting for, maybe that's it.
Meanwhile, the days pass, and that's about it.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
COS I can
Seems like another (hopefully) quiet day of contemplation in the office. One which I've admittedly spent much of dozing off ><
The past couple of weeks in camp have been pretty lax off the back of the LAB, which was underwhelming to say the least. No complaints from me though, it has however been an eye-opening experience in the art of cover-ups: Backdating documents, "loaning" something which had been lost out to another department to avoid the check etc. All things which I still find myself not entirely comfortable with, but which still seems like an essential skillset in the working world :/
Monday's ORD function was a joyous affair, I really hadn't realized how attached I'd gotten to some of the outgoing seniors over these few months. Hope they all fare well outside, it's enlightening in a sense because you realize just how much the realities and prospects of poly students differ from those who graduated from JC. Practically only those with insane GPAs stand a good chance of getting into a local unis, some of them have to consider part-time studying while securing a job, and others have to seek a place overseas. While being ecstatic about finally ORD-ing (who wouldn't be?), most of them appear more than a little lost as well, I guess it's just another illustration of how these 2 years under the routine dictated by the SAF really affects us, that the impending prospect of freedom could leave them so baffled.
The event itself was fun, starting off with prawning at Punggol, pretty exciting till you succumb to boredom after long periods with nary a nibble, and then one comes and you tell yourself to be patient, ensure it's well and truly hooked before flicking it out of the water, taking care to grasp it such that the obscenely disproportionate claws (don't see those in the market..) don't get to pinch you while you carefully dislodge the hook and release it into this submerged netting to keep it fresh. And then waiting all over again. A novel experience for me, and it was hilarious to see people flicking the rod too hard such that the prawn literally flew out of the water to land, with much commotion amongst the other fishers, and to see Saw exclaim when he got kiap-ed by one. Horribly expensive though, I checked. Roughly $30 for 3 hours per rod, it cost my whole company $1200 and our catch totaled 12kg. $100 per kg lol..
After that was soccer followed by a chalet cum barbecue, typical army stuff, too much food, loads of alcohol, I got to try some new mixes hehehe and realized I absolutely suck at drinking games, much to my detriment.
I found out last Thursday, much to my disbelief, that I got into NTU via the waiting list. A huge shock for me, cause I had totally given up on it (see one of my previous posts) and was mentally focussed on my application to Australia, dealing with email correspondence - which I always find a chore - with the agent and compiling information on all the relevant deadlines and such. A very welcome surprise though, and my disbelief must have showed when I picked up the phonecall, roused from a rare mid-morning nap in bunk (slack week ma) to listen to some guy claiming to be from LKCSoM and informing me that I'd been offered a place:
"You sure? Because I got an email saying that I was on the priority waiting list...."
"And I'm calling to tell you you've been offered a place"
"So you mean I got in through the waiting list? .....sorry I'm very happy right now.."
"Congratulations, we've sent you the letter of offer, and by the way will you be accepting the offer?"
"Of course!"
"Okay remember to confirm it on the JAP"
"Thanks"
*call ends*
Quite embarrassing now that I think about it, and the guy didn't seem horribly impressed but being in a state of shock I didn't really care. I don't think my brain has mentally readjusted itself yet, I'm going to be staying in Singapore! And if I'm allowed to disrupt, I'll start school this year FFS, how the heck am I going to manage. Alot to think about and prepare myself for, but I'm simply overwhelmed by how immensely fortunate I am, and happy that I didn't write myself off as always ending up with the short end of the stick. This opportunity really does sound promising and exciting to be part of the pioneer batch, or one of the pioneer batches at the very least. The future suddenly seems very clear and "real", no longer sourcing around for schools, filling up application form after application form, taking admissions tests etc but rather going on to the actual thing! I honestly have no idea how I'll fare as a student as I am now, it's quite scary after the long layoff but it's also something that we'll all have to face x.x
This getting in via the waiting list business is a huge thing for me, not because I have any stigma about it, but rather because it illustrates very clearly how little control I actually had over the entire episode. I performed well enough to be placed relatively high on the list I guess, but other than that, it was all predicated on other people's - people who I don't and may never know - decisions and actions; those who chose NUS over NTU for instance, or even the interviewees of those people, to stretch things a little further. So many things, large and small which I had zero control over, and yet which will undoubtedly profoundly affect the course of my life, or the next 5 years at least. Don't you find that at least a little scary? That where we end up down the road may in no small measure be down to so many arbitrary factors, which we may have little to no say in deciding? Sometimes it seems that what free will we have may simply be to justify internally where we wind up. But that's obviously too extreme a view. Our inner drive and motivation sets a direction, and though we may not be able to dictate where we end up, we still choose how we respond and go on from there, that's some solace at least.
So thank you, Fates, for allowing me this chance and to retain a distinctly local flavor in my portion, however meager of this grand tapestry.
Enough wondering and wandering for now, I don't want to sound like too much of a prick, so here it ends. I've got a good Sci-Fi anthology that has suffered much neglect afterall.
The past couple of weeks in camp have been pretty lax off the back of the LAB, which was underwhelming to say the least. No complaints from me though, it has however been an eye-opening experience in the art of cover-ups: Backdating documents, "loaning" something which had been lost out to another department to avoid the check etc. All things which I still find myself not entirely comfortable with, but which still seems like an essential skillset in the working world :/
Monday's ORD function was a joyous affair, I really hadn't realized how attached I'd gotten to some of the outgoing seniors over these few months. Hope they all fare well outside, it's enlightening in a sense because you realize just how much the realities and prospects of poly students differ from those who graduated from JC. Practically only those with insane GPAs stand a good chance of getting into a local unis, some of them have to consider part-time studying while securing a job, and others have to seek a place overseas. While being ecstatic about finally ORD-ing (who wouldn't be?), most of them appear more than a little lost as well, I guess it's just another illustration of how these 2 years under the routine dictated by the SAF really affects us, that the impending prospect of freedom could leave them so baffled.
The event itself was fun, starting off with prawning at Punggol, pretty exciting till you succumb to boredom after long periods with nary a nibble, and then one comes and you tell yourself to be patient, ensure it's well and truly hooked before flicking it out of the water, taking care to grasp it such that the obscenely disproportionate claws (don't see those in the market..) don't get to pinch you while you carefully dislodge the hook and release it into this submerged netting to keep it fresh. And then waiting all over again. A novel experience for me, and it was hilarious to see people flicking the rod too hard such that the prawn literally flew out of the water to land, with much commotion amongst the other fishers, and to see Saw exclaim when he got kiap-ed by one. Horribly expensive though, I checked. Roughly $30 for 3 hours per rod, it cost my whole company $1200 and our catch totaled 12kg. $100 per kg lol..
After that was soccer followed by a chalet cum barbecue, typical army stuff, too much food, loads of alcohol, I got to try some new mixes hehehe and realized I absolutely suck at drinking games, much to my detriment.
I found out last Thursday, much to my disbelief, that I got into NTU via the waiting list. A huge shock for me, cause I had totally given up on it (see one of my previous posts) and was mentally focussed on my application to Australia, dealing with email correspondence - which I always find a chore - with the agent and compiling information on all the relevant deadlines and such. A very welcome surprise though, and my disbelief must have showed when I picked up the phonecall, roused from a rare mid-morning nap in bunk (slack week ma) to listen to some guy claiming to be from LKCSoM and informing me that I'd been offered a place:
"You sure? Because I got an email saying that I was on the priority waiting list...."
"And I'm calling to tell you you've been offered a place"
"So you mean I got in through the waiting list? .....sorry I'm very happy right now.."
"Congratulations, we've sent you the letter of offer, and by the way will you be accepting the offer?"
"Of course!"
"Okay remember to confirm it on the JAP"
"Thanks"
*call ends*
Quite embarrassing now that I think about it, and the guy didn't seem horribly impressed but being in a state of shock I didn't really care. I don't think my brain has mentally readjusted itself yet, I'm going to be staying in Singapore! And if I'm allowed to disrupt, I'll start school this year FFS, how the heck am I going to manage. Alot to think about and prepare myself for, but I'm simply overwhelmed by how immensely fortunate I am, and happy that I didn't write myself off as always ending up with the short end of the stick. This opportunity really does sound promising and exciting to be part of the pioneer batch, or one of the pioneer batches at the very least. The future suddenly seems very clear and "real", no longer sourcing around for schools, filling up application form after application form, taking admissions tests etc but rather going on to the actual thing! I honestly have no idea how I'll fare as a student as I am now, it's quite scary after the long layoff but it's also something that we'll all have to face x.x
This getting in via the waiting list business is a huge thing for me, not because I have any stigma about it, but rather because it illustrates very clearly how little control I actually had over the entire episode. I performed well enough to be placed relatively high on the list I guess, but other than that, it was all predicated on other people's - people who I don't and may never know - decisions and actions; those who chose NUS over NTU for instance, or even the interviewees of those people, to stretch things a little further. So many things, large and small which I had zero control over, and yet which will undoubtedly profoundly affect the course of my life, or the next 5 years at least. Don't you find that at least a little scary? That where we end up down the road may in no small measure be down to so many arbitrary factors, which we may have little to no say in deciding? Sometimes it seems that what free will we have may simply be to justify internally where we wind up. But that's obviously too extreme a view. Our inner drive and motivation sets a direction, and though we may not be able to dictate where we end up, we still choose how we respond and go on from there, that's some solace at least.
So thank you, Fates, for allowing me this chance and to retain a distinctly local flavor in my portion, however meager of this grand tapestry.
Enough wondering and wandering for now, I don't want to sound like too much of a prick, so here it ends. I've got a good Sci-Fi anthology that has suffered much neglect afterall.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Trance
Trance, not much food for thought but thoroughly and literally mind fucking, and there were much *ucks to give, and many a "wow that escalated quickly" moment. Really quite fascinating how they're basically going over the same few scenes again and again, with each iteration shedding new light on some previously unremarkable detail, something I really appreciated as all the loose threads came together. Worth a rewatch perhaps, and not only because of certain scenes. I would have liked to see though, a moment at least where that hypnotist wasn't so freaking sure of herself, her composure only really shattered in that last anti-climatic climax, and even then everything worked out the way she wanted it to; where's the fun in that?
Would you rather hurt, or forget that it all ever happened? A pretty pertinent question methinks, a very hypothetical one obviously, given that it's highly likely that we'll be given the choice, but still something worth considering. The film, somewhat ironically, depicted the hypnotherapist as having emotional baggage from a previous violent relationship, thereby reacting in a decidedly over-the-top manner to the abuse: determined to be a victim no longer, she (spoiler) hypnotized her ex to forget about her and (further spoiler) to steal a painting for her to make it up to her (/spoiler) which kicked off the whole thing in the first place, rather than using her considerable abilities to you know, get over his obsession instead.
So on one hand if she had forgotten about it the whole thing wouldn't have happened, but on the other she made the guy forget, but it all came back; whether intentionally on her part or not I shall leave up to debate, so I suppose we could see this as the director having it both ways.
Personally I'd rather bear hurtful memories than to forget them, or to never have experienced them. I'm not a highly religious person, so I won't say that everything happens for a reason, that's something I find hard to accept, but what I do believe is that no matter what we experience, it does change us, sometimes irrevokably. To reject them is to reject who we are. So yes, perhaps there've been multiple disappointments, and much grounds for regret, yet upon thinking things through, I have to say that I don't regret them, or at least not enough to let these regrets become a defining part of my life. Rather than agonizing over could-have-beens and what ifs, I am who I am because of what I've been through, and the only way forwards is as myself, not what I wished I could be, and that's the way it is.
It was an enjoyable Saturday out, especially after spending 3 hours on that ISAT paper, 100 questions of tediousness -.- (thankfully I did well enough, I think!) Though we didn't go for the trial lesson in the end, as we were running late and thus decided, practically outside the centre, that it wasn't worth paying the full amount for the remaining time, it was fun nonetheless, after the unavoidable period of sitting around wondering what to do next. MEDz was good, maybe even better than Marché and it was hilarious discussing (but mostly listening to Mos and Angie debate about) the phylogenetics of cliques in our class, and the recounting, to various degrees of success so many past incidents xP Shots with some cocktails at Acid Bar (Jack's treat, to be reciprocated at some later date, I swear!) rounded off the evening on a high note, quite literally in the case of someone who can't tahan alcohol lololol, and I had to cab home having missed the last bus by 10 mins, quite unfortunately :/
For reasons completely (at least I'd like to think) unrelated to prestige I'm glad and proud to have been from Raffles. For the education and breadth of thought which it opened to me, for inculcating in me a consciousness and awareness of myself and my responsibilities as part of something bigger, for teaching me, even as I blundered my way through the years, to never shy away from the difficult questions, and to take pride in my work, something which I'm beginning to realize is very important and sometimes a rarity indeed, for "telling" me that I'm special, not because of what I am, but because everyone is worth listening to, and lastly, for the people I've met, and perhaps that last one is what I'm most grateful for. And I don't see anything wrong with such a pride, and it's a sad thing when people start to turn that against you, label that pride as arrogance, and put you and what you do down just because of where you came from. The walls of reality close in, shackles seeking to tie you down, and it's an ever-exhausting experience to fight against a world that seeks to shame you with your own brilliance (urgh, arrogant phrasing much?) and drag you down. I know people who appear to do it effortlessly, and it's very admirable, but for me at least, it's a daily challenge.
I had no idea where this was going when I first started, but I guess I do now. Basically prestige may or may not factor into the decisions we make, and that's perfectly okay. I've been thinking for awhile now about doing the right things for the wrong reasons, doing the wrong things for the right reasons and every other possible permutation in between, with "right" and "wrong" being entirely subjective. Though I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this to me, at the end of the day the motivations and reasons aren't so important anymore (besides giving you the strength to carry on of course), more important is what you're able to imbibe and take away from the whole thing; is it gonna be a meaningful experience or are you just going to say "I'm glad that's finally over", and what you go on to from there. As humans there's an irresistible tendency to pass moral judgement on the people around us, I'm a frequent victim to this too, simply can't help myself. It can be entertaining, obviously, but in the end does it even matter?
Would you rather hurt, or forget that it all ever happened? A pretty pertinent question methinks, a very hypothetical one obviously, given that it's highly likely that we'll be given the choice, but still something worth considering. The film, somewhat ironically, depicted the hypnotherapist as having emotional baggage from a previous violent relationship, thereby reacting in a decidedly over-the-top manner to the abuse: determined to be a victim no longer, she (spoiler) hypnotized her ex to forget about her and (further spoiler) to steal a painting for her to make it up to her (/spoiler) which kicked off the whole thing in the first place, rather than using her considerable abilities to you know, get over his obsession instead.
So on one hand if she had forgotten about it the whole thing wouldn't have happened, but on the other she made the guy forget, but it all came back; whether intentionally on her part or not I shall leave up to debate, so I suppose we could see this as the director having it both ways.
Personally I'd rather bear hurtful memories than to forget them, or to never have experienced them. I'm not a highly religious person, so I won't say that everything happens for a reason, that's something I find hard to accept, but what I do believe is that no matter what we experience, it does change us, sometimes irrevokably. To reject them is to reject who we are. So yes, perhaps there've been multiple disappointments, and much grounds for regret, yet upon thinking things through, I have to say that I don't regret them, or at least not enough to let these regrets become a defining part of my life. Rather than agonizing over could-have-beens and what ifs, I am who I am because of what I've been through, and the only way forwards is as myself, not what I wished I could be, and that's the way it is.
It was an enjoyable Saturday out, especially after spending 3 hours on that ISAT paper, 100 questions of tediousness -.- (thankfully I did well enough, I think!) Though we didn't go for the trial lesson in the end, as we were running late and thus decided, practically outside the centre, that it wasn't worth paying the full amount for the remaining time, it was fun nonetheless, after the unavoidable period of sitting around wondering what to do next. MEDz was good, maybe even better than Marché and it was hilarious discussing (but mostly listening to Mos and Angie debate about) the phylogenetics of cliques in our class, and the recounting, to various degrees of success so many past incidents xP Shots with some cocktails at Acid Bar (Jack's treat, to be reciprocated at some later date, I swear!) rounded off the evening on a high note, quite literally in the case of someone who can't tahan alcohol lololol, and I had to cab home having missed the last bus by 10 mins, quite unfortunately :/
For reasons completely (at least I'd like to think) unrelated to prestige I'm glad and proud to have been from Raffles. For the education and breadth of thought which it opened to me, for inculcating in me a consciousness and awareness of myself and my responsibilities as part of something bigger, for teaching me, even as I blundered my way through the years, to never shy away from the difficult questions, and to take pride in my work, something which I'm beginning to realize is very important and sometimes a rarity indeed, for "telling" me that I'm special, not because of what I am, but because everyone is worth listening to, and lastly, for the people I've met, and perhaps that last one is what I'm most grateful for. And I don't see anything wrong with such a pride, and it's a sad thing when people start to turn that against you, label that pride as arrogance, and put you and what you do down just because of where you came from. The walls of reality close in, shackles seeking to tie you down, and it's an ever-exhausting experience to fight against a world that seeks to shame you with your own brilliance (urgh, arrogant phrasing much?) and drag you down. I know people who appear to do it effortlessly, and it's very admirable, but for me at least, it's a daily challenge.
I had no idea where this was going when I first started, but I guess I do now. Basically prestige may or may not factor into the decisions we make, and that's perfectly okay. I've been thinking for awhile now about doing the right things for the wrong reasons, doing the wrong things for the right reasons and every other possible permutation in between, with "right" and "wrong" being entirely subjective. Though I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this to me, at the end of the day the motivations and reasons aren't so important anymore (besides giving you the strength to carry on of course), more important is what you're able to imbibe and take away from the whole thing; is it gonna be a meaningful experience or are you just going to say "I'm glad that's finally over", and what you go on to from there. As humans there's an irresistible tendency to pass moral judgement on the people around us, I'm a frequent victim to this too, simply can't help myself. It can be entertaining, obviously, but in the end does it even matter?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)