It's a life held in stasis I suppose I don't blog much nowadays cause there doesn't seem much to blog about. Life in camp has adopted the tone of work, work, work, though there are the occasional highlights and such, it somehow seems a little strange to write about them here. But of course that's what I'll do now, to get some stuff out of my system.

I find myself running around a lot nowadays, doing all sorts of random stuff that don't even justify noting down, and it does get a little testing at times. I still remember running around 38 for the freaking unit stocktaking, even bringing the guy all the way down to ATI and back again, simply to catch a glimpse of the tank and bridge that were parked there for the display, then going back and forth between the base, our tank shed at the other end of the unit and down to D801 (the 3 are kinda situated like the points of huge triangle) back and forth, back and forth to confirm this thing or the other, incredibly dreary, horrible weather, while nursing a cold, and on a Friday no less. Then doing something similar this week, except I had to open the tanks for him to check some components inside. After clambering in and out once, he refused to enter the rest so I had to unlock the tank, open the hatch, climb in and number off each item to him while he stood outside waiting, which is pretty much tokenism at it's best. I could have simply said everything was there and I bet he wouldn't have even bothered to verify it lol. Low-loading to bring our tank and bridge over to Nee Soon Camp for the change of command parade wasn't too bad though. It's (for now) a pretty novel experience and I always enjoy any opportunity to operate the L2 and test my proficiency; admittedly to my detriment on occasion when I find myself not up to scratch. Simply put, low-loading is to launch the bridge in package mode onto a lowbed (those things used to transport cars) and to reverse the tank onto another as well, so it's quite interesting to see how to ensure that the alignment with the lowbed is just right so it can be done successfully. Friday was the parade rehearsal itself (we'd previously had a rehearsal for the rehearsal at our coy-line itself, which I find patently hilarious), so we got up early, drew our arms in Gedong, took a bus - which arrived late and hence totally wasted our early reveille - over to Nee Soon, apparently it didn't matter that we arrived late cause the rehearsal hadn't even started yet, where we proceeded with the rehearsal. Um..I mean rehearsalS. It just went on and on and on, and it was hilarious in a perverse sense to see them try it out with different parade commanders, contingent commanders etc, and to watch the parade commander (a major) salute a master sergeant who was standing in as the fake CoA. Freaking funny. More of a joke though to see those who obviously hadn't  rehearsed the commands, or those up on the stage who were treating it like a game of sorts, playing at who'd get to "be" the CoA or incoming outgoing Chief Engineers next, with no regard for those of us working on our tan in the parade square. The spectacle ended at 1730, but since the bus was indented only for 1900, which couldn't be pushed earlier, we had to hang around. And hang around somemore, cause apparently the bus broke down (the driver didn't check that he had enough diesel apparently, and got stuck somewhere) until we eventually left Nee Soon at 2000. You'd think that was the end of it, but nope, we had to return to Gedong once more to send our weapons before getting changed and finally being allowed to bookout at 2120.

The strange thing is that I'm already numb to all of this. Back in BMT, SCS and even ETI, weekends were something precious and to be treasured. Bookout timings were sacrosanct and we'd do anything to have them as early as possible. Perhaps now after a year as a soldier, I don't really give a shit anymore. Or maybe we're so used to this kind of crap happening that we don't give it a second thought. You just do it (TM Nike) and if things don't turn out well, well, that's just too bad. Complaining has been patently useless so why bother? It scares me somewhat, cause I seem to have lost something vital. That little spark which would speak up when I saw something obviously wrong. It might seem to be a good thing but I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I can't quite articulate it clearly but there's this frustration that builds up within me, when I have to accept things as naturally being shitty and myself being able to do nothing about it. It accumulates within the numbness, contradictory though it may sound, and I find myself getting more sensitive to the most innocuous of things and harbouring certain negative thoughts in my head. If army has thought me one thing, it's how susceptible I am to my more emotional/primitive side, despite what the rational portion may claim.

And I'm just going round and round in circles, little little circles, and I'm not quite sure how to break out. I want to rediscover the freshness of life, the fascination and basic appreciation of the most mundane things. I try to be thankful for the things I have, and I really am, but I think what I crave the most is stimulation of some kind, not just the frustrating work-related interactions, or the casual hi-bye let's talk bout how shag the day has been, or listening to the reasoning of the self-absorbed, maybe that's it. And I can try to numb myself with meaningless stimuli, manga, games, not-so-sophisticated literature, but that doesn't help much at all. It doesn't help much but I'll do it anyway I guess, for reasons I honestly know not why.

Things move, even if you don't touch them. While it's nice to believe in determination, that the actions one performs/commits/whatever determine one's destiny (for lack of a better word), it's always important to remember that we do not act in isolation. At the same time as we are acting to change our  destiny's, others are acting to affect change to their destiny's. Paths converge, diverge, and we move on, not everyone get's their way, and sometimes it's better not to stop and pose the question: "what did I do wrong?" - which is so, so, so bloody tempting, as it encourages and fosters the belief that things are within control - but rather to accept it calmly, take it in stride and move on. Things can rarely be so simply dissected for examination, contributing factors laid bare to be seen, everything's entangled, in a mess;
even if you don't move, a million other things do, and inevitably tug on the strings entwined around you.

And now, to sleep. A new day when I awake (not technically speaking), the world deconstructed and reconstructed once more, a whole new world, machinery churning in the background as I rest, and we shall see.

That's how I'll remember you,
Eyes intent on the screen, almost eerie blue glow cast upon your face.
That's how I'll remember you.

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I don't seem to feel much these days. The exuberance of POP could hardly last me through the day, not to mention the week. The prevailing emotions during my interviews early this week, besides the desire to prove myself, were ones of exasperation and irksomeness brought out by a certain line of questioning. And yet they weren't that intense as well, and faded soon after. Ditto for the disappointment of reality not meeting expectations, later on. I believe that somehow, that unofficial army ethos of "Suck Thumb" has pervaded my thinking, in a decidedly unhealthy manner. While it may be beneficial not to get too hung up over happenings, one cannot simply resign oneself to them, and even allow them to escalate and develop further. I can't/shouldn't have let myself think that there was no point arguing further, or that there was no point forcing the issue, that I should just let things be. I don't want to be such a dispassionate individual.

Just when I think I'm unbelievably cynical, something happens to make me realize how facepalmingly naive I can be at times. It's extraordinary, really haha. I really need to school myself more in the metagame of society.

Had quite abit of fun yesterday though (since I'm feeling pedantic about it) playing badminton with some of my sectionmates at CCK Sports Complex. I'm really not the sporty kind (no shit, Sherlock) but enjoy playing them; which is quite tragic I guess, but having fun is what matters, right? xP Had to run around ALOT to attempt to get to the shuttlecock for a return, and I'm still pretty much unable to return smashes, but it's very satisfying to win a point after a particularly hardfought rally; the fact that it didn't do much to mitigate the point difference notwithstanding. Well anyway, we checked our postings at the same time as well:

Your Posting Order is listed below:
1.	You are posted to	SCS & SWAS
2.	Your vocation is	INF LDR(TRAINEE)
3.	Your are to report to:	Pasir Laba Camp, Blk 276, #02-15
	Reporting Date/Time:	17/04/2012 at 0800 - 0830 hrs
	Person to report to:	Chief Clerk
	Contact Number:	64105597/5594/5533

Was kinda expecting the posting so I'm neither elated nor disappointed. BMTC has given me some pretty good learning experiences and some tough times as well, but as always, the veneer of memory smooths over those bumpy portions very effectively. I'm looking forward to learning new stuff there! And not having to be subjected to an effective 1 month confinement is pretty comforting as well!

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And lastly, I think I've adjusted pretty well to my new house. Horrendous amounts of boxes yet to be unpacked aside, I'm relatively comfortable here. For some reason unbeknownst to me, my other siblings simply love to flock to my room, whether it's because they desire to revel in the presence of your's truly (if only other people felt the same way xP) or just because they don't want to climb the extra flight of stairs, I'll never know. But it's led to the common and honestly ridiculous situation where I find myself having to settle on the parquet floor (which isn't too uncomfortable); either that or having to poke and shove to create a sufficiently large space in the tangle of bodies for myself to slip barge my way into. Travel to and from the MRT station is simple enough; a short bus ride away, and the bus stop isn't as far from my front gate as I'd originally imagined. The Yio Chu Kang/Ang Mo Kio area is much more central, which has made travel less onerous I'd say; something I appreciate following this week's outings.

My com's been bugging me to allow it to install some updates, so I shall end here for today.

Late night posts don't exactly lend themselves towards a banal recount of the week's happenings; now do they? So I'll leave that as a draft for now, pursuant to when I'm in the mood to complete it.

I feel set adrift in time. Without the definition of a concrete deadline (the one on 31st Jan aside), the days blur into each other; literally even, given my current sleeping pattern. Weekdays may as well be weekends; discounting TV scheduling of course! It's a very carefree feeling.

And it's when things intrude upon this that it becomes particularly jarring. With certain things coming up; I've been having to consider what I want to do, really. Yet there's also the distinct possibility of thinking myself into inaction, where I basically vacillate between the options till I'm forced to make a choice; where I inevitably pick the easier, less troublesome (and potentially less rewarding) one as I haven't the time to prepare myself for the other. I've got a few days left for this one, so I'd better start working on it.

I've been given free reign to do practically whatever I want these past few weeks; but I've also been realizing that I can't/shouldn't simply reject the outside world because of some perceived entitlement to enjoyment, relaxation etc following the A levels and before entering NS in a month's time. And yet when I see the fractures in relationships; the tensions and dissatisfaction that have accumulated; and find myself powerless to do anything about them, I feel like just looking away, busying myself with something or another, to avoid thinking about it. The proverbial ostrich with its head buried in the sand. Or maybe it's that this current state of affairs has been sustained for so long that it no longer features strongly in my mindscape, regardless of its severity. Kinda like how relations between N. and S. Korea are pretty bad right now, yet mending them doesn't feature too strongly on the global agenda as it's shown itself to be something able to be set aside and left on slow boil (at least for now) in the face of more pressing problems.

Why do we have to bear things which are unbearable? Does doing so make us that much stronger? Really?

"That which does not kill us can only maim us for life"
- A wise man

Small incident that occurred some time ago has served to fuel my belief that relationships in general are all give and take. There are so-called "bad" sides to everyone (subjectively speaking); say, a friend. You've just gotta weigh the bad against how much you value the person and well..make a decision as to whether you'll want to go on or not. It's all about what you're willing and able to accept and what you just can't accept no matter what.

Of  course; society tends to make things much more complicated.

"Don't do today what you can afford to leave till tomorrow"

That is, of course assuming that we have a tomorrow to look forward to; of course. There's never a guarantee that we'll wake up healthy afterall. Heh but I find myself cynical with regards to that overly-cliched "live each day like it's your last".

Quick mental exercise: Come up with a list of just 10 things you'd do if you somehow knew that you weren't going to be around tomorrow.

Done? Somehow I kinda doubt that anything near approximating any kind of work at all would even begin to feature on that list. Now try increasing that to 50...how bout 100? 1000? Nothing, right? So, think about what'd happen to society if everyone started living that way; utterly disastrous. XD I think that the functioning of society is predicated upon the belief in the concept of a "tomorrow" and that society's greatest success has in fact been able to "guarantee" a tomorrow with a certain degree of certainty. Removes uncertainty; allows us to expand our event horizon and all that. So we have people slogging their guts out; spinning incessantly; cogs working to keep the construct of society up and running, with "tomorrow" simultaneously the carrot dangling in their faces and the stick prodding their collective behinds. Beautiful, isn't it?

So, why do I do what I do? Or more precisely, why should I be doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Well, ideally, personal satisfaction and achievement should factor in somewhere; but well; maybe it's cause while there is a chance I may not be on this Earth the next time the Sun makes its rounds (scientifically inaccurate, I know), it is quite probable (hopefully!) that I will be, so I'd best be working to make it a comfortable one; now shouldn't I?

Time for a post. The hols have this miraculous slowing down effect, life progresses at a slower pace (despite the looming specter of the CTs and the mugging necessitated), there's so much less to focus on and my brain thus moves in to feel the gap, latching on to the passing events in the flow of time and appreciating the opportunity of finally having the luxury of being able to process them. So please do pardon me if when I lapse into self-indulgent rambling. Remember; it's your own fault that you're here, so deal with it =)

I find some things unfathomable, like say some people's reactions to the most innocuous of actions. I'm the kind of person who instinctively attempts to reason and rationalize the things happening around me, and I'd say that despite not being the most perceptive person around, I'm not all that bad at understanding the motivations behind what others do (given enough time), so I find such occurrences where I am totally unable to do so utterly puzzling and am left bewildered. My eventual conclusion is one that doesn't leave me very happy at all.

I'm getting tired of selfishness, power games and their ilk. The lack of maturity from all sides involved is getting on my nerves.

Selfishness: I mean okay, of course I understand that times are tight; life's a rat race where we just have to come in ahead of the competition, there's often little room for us to be concerned about others' interests before our own, but really. Self-preservation is an instinct that even the lowliest of organisms possess. Don't you think that as rational thinking beings, self-proclaimed "stewards" of this planet; we should be able to rise above this most basic of instincts, give life a more "human" touch; if I may put it that way? I can be tolerant of selfish behaviour, I accept it occasionally surfacing in those I care about, nor do I deny being selfish myself; nobody's perfect, afterall. However, I really would appreciate it if we all put even a little more effort into overcoming this in-built myopic-ness. In fact, I'm really touched when I observe such behaviour being exhibited.

Power games: My, aren't they just fun. Basically two parties messing with each other through mostly juvenile means in an attempt to establish some form of "dominance" over the other. Even more exciting is that there's never really an end to it; even if one side wants to end it/back out, so long as the other still retains insecurities about their position, on with the games! If the other doesn't respond, complete and utter pwnage occurs. Amazing, ain't it? Imo it may have something to do with an innate desire to establish and gauge our positions on the ever-so-metaphorical societal "ladder" relative to those around us. Do note that this is just a pet theory of mine. It's entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, seeing these "power games" when there aren't any; and perhaps I'm being the 小人 in this case, taking too much notice of what others see as merely inconsequential. And I'll never be able to fully justify this belief. All I can do is to implore you to give it a try: Try inspecting the societal interactions around you and see if you can't see some evidence that lends it some credence in your eyes afterall. BUT assuming that they're true, I bet that you, too could understand why I'd be tired of them. Seeing others constantly engaged in them, and experiencing the spillover effects of the ill feelings engendered in the course of these games; wondering at the ridiculousness of it all...

Well, I've noticed that I only really take notice at the point when patience wears thin, the days where all the unfortunate events just keep piling up, accumulating. So its probably not that big of a deal at all.

Shopping with my family was oddly therapeutic; I'm beginning to see how some could find it addictive, barring the prohibitively high costs, and the eventual guilt at having spent so much on just clothes. Hahaha

Oh and btw, for those of you who read the huge chunks above; if you thought I was talking about you, then that means I probably wasn't, so go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back =)

4 days left, and as the Nats draw closer, I can't really avoid the question any longer: How much do I really care?

It's something that I really can't say for sure, you know.. On one hand, we've known from the start that our chances are next to nothing; 钱教练 even advices us to go on with the mindset that we've got nothing to lose, that anything we manage to gain will only be a bonus. And I know that be true. However, this treacherous part of me, the hopelessly naive optimist is somehow hoping, expecting even, for a miracle to occur. I don't want this, but I can't really stop myself. Guess I'll have to spend some time working on it, I really really don't want to let it affect my performance on Tuesday.

"If it can be proven, it's not faith."
-Source unknown (at least to me. I'm not good at this quote business afterall)

Its context was with regards to religion, but I really think it applies to other aspects of life as well. How often is it that you find yourself reaching out (metaphorically speaking) through efforts and actions without knowing whether what you're reaching for really does exist, or assuming it does, whether you'll ever obtain it? And if you're unsuccessful, that tendril of effort might well wither away, wasted.

"Have faith!" They say. But sometimes it's not easy at all.