I love my grandmother. She doesn't expect anything of me, and understands. I don't know how else to put it. I think that no matter how cynical and callous I get (won't be growing roots and shoots anytime soon though), a few quiet words of hers can still touch my heart.

Started mugging properly today. Productivity wasn't all that, but at least it's a start, right?

Mad World

Dysfunctional little people in a big dysfunctional world.

I am not ignorant of the pain/unhappiness/angst that each of us faces. Some of us may be more vocal about it (like myself), while others may simply choose to not be as open about it. That's why each and every day is a surprise to me. I'm constantly amazed at how society manages to toddle around despite the seemingly chronic depression which afflicts us humans. Now, that's just an observation based on what I've seen on the 'net, so there may be a silent majority of happy, contented, beatific individuals for all I know -or perhaps I'm simply looking at the wrong sites. But (and do feel free to correct me on this), intuitively I don't think that's the case. And so I go on being impressed; At the duality of human nature: The efficiency with which we can segment our emotions, which allows us to wax lyrical about how we're falling into an abyss of darkness or shit, for example, and the next day, step out into the sunshine with a smile on our face, joking with individuals who may well have been blogging about the death of their pet goldfish the very day before.

Haunting my dreams...can't get it out of my head.

The near-frantic search for misplaced notes as I sought to gather my materials for the coming month kinda makes me wish I hadn't inherited my family's near-aversion to orderliness and organization. Was quite fail that the chem bonding notes I'd been turning the house upside down to look for ended up being with my brother - I lent them to him earlier in a rare moment of generosity and forgot all about it.

GP wasn't too bad - I hope, though there's never any way to tell, honestly. One of the first times I've written an essay I'm marinally satisfied with, that's good. My main problem's with that wretched Paper 2, my hand actually cramped towards the end as I was frantically trying to spam out the points. I had NO time to spend planning, and only just enough to glance at the passages, search wildly for any point, instantly generate some semblance of an idea and start writing immediately :/ It didn't help that I was feeling pretty sick that day.

Going out with the guys after that raised some hoo-hah at home, and that's probably cause I said too much while trying to be accountable and all that. Makes me regret it a little. The worst of it has passed though, things'll be just fine.

I hate how I've been on hair-trigger mode recently; though I may not necessarily show it, now its such that sometimes even the most trivial things can get me seething and my brain starts throwing out the most deplorable arguments and I become horribly cynical. I'm a little afraid of letting this side burst out uncontrolled though, despite the effort it takes to reign it in, cause I really don't want to lose/scare off my friends, I haven't got that many to lose, and I do treasure them, really.

"When we passed each other, she didn't deign to even say hello, ... ... How, then, can I believe that our parting caused her any tears?"
-Urdu poet Mirza Ghalib

Really resonates.

Condemnation can occur in a matter of seconds, requires little thought and next to no sensitivity at all. Yet its effects can be particularly hurtful.

A smile doesn't require much effort at all, so I put mine on before I step out the door.

Braindead after the pre-emlistment checkup. I'm so going to fail GP tmr. It wasn't so much the medical checkup, though having to get poked both in the left and right arm sucked a little. It was more the mind-numbingly long vocation allocation test that killed me. Like fine, I can see the point of it, but do you have to make it so that it takes more than 2 hours to do!? Seriously. A never-ending slew of questions demanding for me to arrange, manipulate, mess around with nonsensical strings of letters simply to test how well I follow instructions? If it weren't serious business I'd have started filling in nonsense back at them a long time ago.

I'd like to whine more, but it's starting to feel pathetic so will leave it at that.

Sister: I can't believe my big brother failed

I know she wasn't being serious; but it's a galling feeling nonetheless, one I don't really want to feel ever again if I can help it. I'm not afraid to fail, but rather am fearful of the reactions of those around me. Sometimes I just want to chop away those threads, but can't quite bring myself to do it.

I find it pretty ironic that such an irresponsible person like myself could have such a strong sense of responsibility. It's a pretty lousy combo, if you ask me. It sucks to have to constantly apologize for my own ineptitude. Too often it seems like I'm having to make up for lack of ability with enthusiasm, and even then, its sometimes just not enough.

The Colours of Gold

Green, Black, White,
The Colours Of Gold

This year's slogan, printed proudly on banners that greeted visitors to RI's Openhouse yesterday. I had some free time after Jack's CIP, and it was on the way back, so I dropped by for a looksee, not in the capacity as a student, but rather as an "alumnus" so to speak. It was a pretty visceral experience. Seeing a place that had been virtually a second home; that ought to have been exceedingly familiar yet simply wasn't. Things had changed round campus, true, but not by that much. I had changed, and just didn't feel as comfortable there anymore. Memories called forth of a time - what, 6 years back? - when I first visited the premises, astounded by it all. Then the awe gradually faded till it eventually vanished and I came out 4 years later saying: RI's nothing special at all.

The rare opportunity to enter the heritage centre, nestled behind the amphitheatre (at least I think that's what it's called) presented itself, and changed all that. I think Mr Mac, LLC and other such august personalities can go about talking about our institution's "tradition of excellence" and so on, but it all sounds contrived, shameless propaganda till you actually get to "see" it for yourself. Walking through the centre, seeing the artefacts on display, the weight of history starts to sink in. Crackly documents kept painstakingly in good condition, previous projects done by seniors of batches long gone, and the trophies. You can't help but feel a certain sense of pride at belonging to a school that has history. I mean, how many other schools have trophies that are actually old enough to have corroded till the engravings are practically indecipherable?!

The relentless turning of the clock as modernization does it's work may mean that RI is no longer as distinguished from it's peers - and that's a good thing for Singapore, I'd like to add - and the ubiquitousness of high achievers may mean that our generation may not have as much to contribute to the school's grandeur as compared to our predecessors, but knowing the weight of that history, feeling it upon our shoulders, is something that I think every student who passes through the school should experience intimately. With that as a guidepost, I honestly think that whatever we do, we won't go too far wrong.

Weiqi farewell yesterday as well. I'm nowhere near as close to my weiqi ccamates as compared to some shooters so the feeling wasn't that intense. A little empty, to be honest. I think what I've taken away are more the lessons I've learnt as a Weiqi player. I'm an amateur, true, and you won't be seeing me analysing any real games anytime soon, but I believe I've played enough, at least, to have internalized some stuff.

The most important one's to never stop fighting, even if the effort required seems to far outrival the potential gains. Small battles/skirmishes may not seem like much individually, but they just might end up winning you the war. Out of the few games that I've completed, there've already been a couple which were really close; only a difference of one seed even. Once you've seen that things can be so close, the realization sinks in that you can't afford not to fight it out. No obvious opportunity to fight? Screw it, just create one yourself! Skill and strategy are undeniably important, but tenacity weighs in pre-tty heavily as well, especially when you aren't too advantaged in the first two areas. It's helped to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat many times already. And if despite all your efforts, you're still unable to win, then just graciously admit defeat. It's the hard-fought fight that really lets you learn and grow, be it victory or defeat, rather than an easy win.

After saying all that, I don't really feel like giving up, despite my lack of success up despite all my efforts. Or maybe I should say that I couldn't give it up even if I wanted to? Hmmm

Volunteered at Jack's Y-Environment event today. Now I know what it's like to be a door-to-door salesman, but in this case; FOR THE ENVIRONMENT *cue dramatic overtones* The Hougang residents seemed pretty familiar with recycling etiquette already, which made our job much earlier. I can't for the life of me imagine describing recycling to someone to whom the concept is foreign IN CHINESE xD

Yesterday was a good day (other than the consecutive tests I mean) So was today.

One thing that troubles me during PM PE when the whole class plays together is that I'm never really sure whether I'm being too rough, whether it's too much like bullying the girls (hope I don't come off as being sexist..) etc. Personally, I think I go too far at times, out of a desire to play all out but not doing so leaves a certain feeling of dissatisfaction. Well, seems like most of us had fun so I may be overthinking things, I hope.

I think I've said this before but anyway, I really admire/look up to/envy/respect and am generally in awe of those who have talents in the arts. Perhaps it's just my general lack thereof in that area but I also find the ability to take something mundane, and with one's hands and effort, transform it into something unique, extraordinary really really impressive. Yup I got an attempt at pottery-making (no idea what I'm supposed to call it) at the Terra Incognita exhibition today and all I can say is: It's not as easy as it looks. Shape, pinch, push, pull...yeah shan't say anymore and further parade my ignorance. Trying it myself made me appreciate the pieces they had on display even more xD

The Chinese Drama production was really good! I didn't catch some of the jokes but that was due to my lack of proficiency. The setting of their main drama was a little contrived, and it was choke full of the usual cliches but it was thought-provoking nonetheless and the execution was nothing short of superb. Instead of leaving behind regrets and problems after one leaves this revolving ball of dirt (iron, and other assorted minerals nonwithstanding) why not try (and try hard) to minimize them? Abit duh but we'll see what I can do bout it.

Seems like controlling myself isn't proving to be a very effective strategy; it means some people just won't know I'm pissed till the day I snap and murder someone, or do something else socially unacceptable. Good thing I've been able to more or less keep it in till now.

Well, gotta study for Math now. Bye.

Justice

I don't believe in "justice". The idea that "right" will be rewarded, "wrong" punished, and the black-and-white world that it paints.

We were born, pristine at birth, to be tainted by this world, to do wrong. We can literally, do nothing that's completely, 100% right! I find it hard to believe, and find the idea ludicrous even, that there's some entity out there, armed with a "Yes/No" console, with the threshold set at some arbitrarily predetermined degree of "wrongness" so to speak. So, you cross the value? *Beep* rewarded. Fail to meet it? *Beep* punishment. And that's when you set aside their respective magnitudes as well.

That aside, I'm pretty sure that there is an insurmountable wealth of empirical evidence from our daily lives to show that "justice" does not always prevail. The exploitation of the weak by the strong continues, with vast profits being reaped, and countless selfless individuals die each day, unrecognized, unremembered. If "justice" did exist, why is this the case? Shouldn't its absolute, irresistible nature necessarily prevent such occurrences?

I humbly put forward that "justice" as we typically think of it, is an artifice of purely human origin. Nature, or the universe, in fact, doesn't care - and I use the word loosely - about what's "just" or not, it simply functions following those few basic laws. It is the innate need of us humans to prescribe value to things and objects, to facilitate evaluation and comparison, and in certain cases, conferring upon us a moral "highground" of sorts which gave rise to the concept in the first place. In this context, the usage of manmade apparatus to enforce this human-conceived concept may seem laughable, much like how children might use arbitrary punishments to enforce those arbitrary rules in their arbitrary little games.

Well, that got away from me for awhile. Still following? Good.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as we go about our lives, the preoccupation shouldn't be with trying to do the "right" thing out of a desire to attain rewards, or to shy away from doing wrong for fear of the repercussions. In the absence of any such consequences for one's actions, what then should be the guiding light for such actions? I know that I've arrived at an outcome that many would probably find cliched, but honestly - and let's all be honest here - how many of us can say that they've never been directed by either the carrot or the stick, or, to be more specific, let's say perceived carrot or stick? I'm guessing that number approaches 0.

How is this important? Well, what I've noticed is that so many of us, in the process of attempting to do the "right" thing in the course of daily life, have to put up with certain degrees of inconvenience, loss, and/or personal sacrifice. It's a pretty noble thing, no denying it. I just thought it'd be good to clarify what we're doing it for.

Hope it helps.

On more mundane matters, Badminton match support that occurred today was really exhilarating. It's not so often that you get to see your schoolmates compete, especially in a finals, and I could really feel the support that the spectators who turned up had for our players. It kinda made me wish that shooting was a more spectator-friendly sport, as I'd appreciate the chance for my peers to learn a little more about my sport, possibly get more interested in it, as I undeniably was as I saw the entrancing plays by the team.

Cheered so much that my voice has gone a little hoarse, and I actually managed to clap so much, so hard that towards the end, I could barely bring myself to clap cause of the pain on the back of my hands. I'm retarded that way =)

Mr Ngan, you GMH in some strange way. Shan't over-elaborate here, heh.

I've got lots to say but don't quite have the words to say them. But what are words, when you get down to it? That's what I've been asking myself this past weekend ><

Suggestions are welcome :)

As I clasp that small hand within mine, I just know that there's more to life than test after test, a rabid mugging frenzy. And yet I rage at my helplessness to pursue that which I know to be there.

If you can't beat the system, then no choice but to be a slave to it. Well, at least I'm aware of it, which is more than I can say for some people.

Sigh...just spent a little more than an hour helping my sister do some editing for her stupid project and she just went to sleep without even saying a word of thanks. I'm justifiably pissed, methinks.

Uni admission considerations are giving me alot to thnk about. But better to think about it and have an idea now, IMO than rush through, focusing entirely on the A's then come out thinking: Now what???

That said, I've got to get myself out of this "holiday mood", there's no time to spare; I'm in big 5h!+, especially for GP.

Brrrainns

It's amazing how good I feel with a couple of hours of sleep under my belt =)

I realize that at times, I inadvertently (and please do trust me when I say that this is so)  say something unintentionally hurtful and/or insensitive, which well, hurts the people I care about. I do make an effort to watch my words, but if something slips out that really displeases you, please tell me, and I'll be more watchful in the future.

Just some thoughts on the issue of irreplaceable or not. I mean; objectively speaking, of course no one is irreplaceable, we'd be pretty screwed if there was such an individual, wouldn't we? Short of exhuming his corpse and reanimating it; we'd be pretty much helpless upon his death.

Test Subject #07511 They're still perfecting the technique...

So really, I don't think the issue should be whether someone's replaceable or not, since that's a moot point. What we (assuming we had any influence to change things, I mean) should be thinking is about is exactly how hard that person will be to replace. Obviously the PAP will be able to find someone to replace Mr Yeo, they have no lack of potential, with their focus on gathering "the future 4th generation leaders on Singapore", and that's setting aside the Second Minister for Foreign Affairs as well. But those potential 4th Gen leaders will need some grooming, some time to get up to speed, not to mention that they have huge shoes to fill. This will take time.

Haha but whatever, the deed is done, and from his defeat, apparently we've learnt that no politician is indispensable (A fallacious conclusion, in my opinion, which I'll talk more about later) and I wish him all the best in his future endeavors, and hope that his successor will be able to perform his role adequately. We'll still have him until latest 6 Nov though, so that's not too bad.

"Mr Yeo's defeat showed that no politician is indispensable" Kinda sounds like a hasty hypothesis doesn't it? Yes, Mr Yeo has played/plays a significant role in Singapore's politics, but - and I mean no disrespect by saying so - he was by no means the most important. I've previously toyed with the notion of a Singapore after MM Lee kicks the proverbial bucket and to be honest, I can't envision much of a future for us at all. This seems a timely junction to state that I'm thankful that he's doing his best to keep fit, I really admire his strength of will to keep going strong even at his age.  Yes, Singapore is showing signs of moving on; no longer are we the country dominated and driven (forwards, admittedly) by the man and his ideas, and his hardline comments during the elections raised more than a few eyebrows. But there is no denying the level of respect that he commands locally, even by the younger generation, as well as on the global level. And this has transferred in some way or another to the regard they have for Singapore. Yup so perhaps I'm not imaginative enough, but I can't even dream of Singapore without him. Let's hope he keeps in good health.

If not, there's always brain transplantation ;) Hey, maybe that's why we're bringing in such young, able-bodied politicians who are arguably not really ready to be ministers yet into parliament. Read: TPL. Barring that, we could use the following setup I guess:

It's Science!

I'd leave the brain in the vat theory for another time..Now time for GP. My priorities are sooo awesomely arranged.

 

 

 

 

Brrrainns

Yes. I want your brains. So hand them over. Other parts optional :)

Interesting article on Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/article_19177_5-shocking-ways-you-overestimate-yourself.html
Nothing really new, I'm sure we've all thought about it at some point or another, but I found it pretty cool how they have evidence from experiments to back it up ;)

Haha but I wonder, does this mean my already abysmal self-image should be lowered even further?
Just kidding XP

A lack of Brevity

Note to self: It'd be pretty ironic if I were to ever be involved in a Public Service Announcement about self-medication

Been feeling sick the whole weekend, I've been sleeping much of the day and have the bed hair to prove it. Productivity's minimal as I can't concentrate through this cloudiness in my head.

Poor me. Now that I'm done with the self-pity, let's move on to less trivial issues, shall we?

The early hours of 8th May 2011, a wide-awake nation listened with bated breathe as the ever-so-implacable Returning Officer read out in his deadening monotone the results for the final constituency. It was a close fight, a difference of little more than a hundred votes. And it marked the end of the most hotly contested General Elections in recent Singapore history.

Dubbed a watershed election, the results did not fail to disappoint, as the opposition finally managed to wrest control of a GRC away from the ruling party. The swing of votes towards the opposition, in response to the sympathetic, honeyed voices of their candidates seem to echo the nation's desire for a change in Singapore's political scene, and have given the party in power much to reflect upon.

A new era is upon us, or so it would seem. The obvious ramifications of this on the future of our nation aside, what really excites me is the hitherto unseen levels of citizen participation and involvement during these elections. Online discussion was rife, perhaps in part due to the influx of young voters, who made up one fifth the electorate. The rally turnouts have been nothing short of impressive, and as you stand there on the field, listening to the roar of the crowd, and occasionally overhearing the comments of individuals, you just know that no longer can we Singaporeans be said to be a bunch of politically apathetic folks. (Well at least now all us GP students have one more point to use in those essays)On a personal level, those canteen discussions we've been having the past few weeks have been really exciting, and I've never been so motivated to read the papers in my whole life, eager to keep up to date with the latest happenings. At home, the debate was furious, as some of the staunch PAP supporters amongst us suddenly found ourselves having to deal with an opposition advocate in our midst.

Much has been said about the crediility of this year's candidates, quite possibly epitomized by the WP's 'A' team which succesfully snatched Aljunied GRC by a sizeable margin, ousting Foreign Minister George Yeo from Parliament. The GRC system is an uniquely odd one, satirized most aptly, perhaps by a post on MM Lee's (presumably false) Twitter feed: "There should be one GRC with 87 seats." A system with the supposed intention of encouraging campaigning on multiracial platforms but also one which everyone knows was meant to ensure the continuity of PAP rule. But this time round, it has cost the PAP dearly. To be populist about it, was getting the likes of one Ms Tin Pei Ling into Parliament worth the sacrifice of a highly competent Minister who has served both loyally and well for so long?

I earnestly hope that this is a question the PAP ponders upon when the time comes for the next round of elections in 5 years time, rather than accusing the opposition of giving residents an emotional dilemma by fielding all their most competent candidates in the same GRC. Furthermore, victory margins are narrowing, I'm pretty sure the PAP doesn't want to lose more of its capable Ministers; which regardless how you slice it, IS a significant loss to our country.

All things said and done, life goes on. Our newly triumphant opposition MPs will have to prove that they can not only talk the talk, but also walk the walk as we embark upon a new chapter in Singapore politics, lest MM Lee's prophetic sounding Doomsday condemnation on the residents of Aljunied GRC were to really come true X) I dread to think what that particular outcome might herald for opposition politics in the future.

We shall see. And by then, I'll be of voting age, and will judge their success (or failure) for myself ;)

Btw, the "challenge shield" we made for the new exco turned out totally awesome! (Thanks Sherri!) Haha it was really heartening and personally gratifying to see how much they liked it =) made all the effort seem worth it: figuring out how to get the engraving done, devising a method to cut the cans uniformly, all the time spent actually doing it, as well as the final touches that really did alot to make it look presentable.

Whee

And it be done

It's done. Elections and our passing over ceremony. Testament to how taxing it was is probably how I simply collapsed upon getting home. The deliberative process was by no means easy; it got a little confrontational at times, none of us willing to back down, staunchly standing by our "choices".

To be honest, mine wasn't totally rational. I may have attributed more credit than is due, investing more faith into certain individuals than is probably wise. However -
and this I state with all conviction - I do believe, if not in their capability then at least that their hearts are in the right place (not to flog a dead horse, but naturally that'd be canted to the left)and that they'll give the club their all. I have little reservation in handing the club over to them. Which is all one can ask for, ain't it?

How things turn out for the next year is now up to them.

Aside, a dream I just had is really telling for me; that while I keep telling myself that I've gotten over it and moved on, my subconscious, at least, doesn't agree. It just can't let go, and I don't know what I should do about it. Perhaps I should try to get it resolved properly? But that doesn't seem like a very smart move atm. Dilemma...

To march forwards, without regrets, without doubt is something I really want to do. Why then, can't I prevent my head from turning back?