The easy way out

"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity."
-George Bernard Shaw

But indifference is so much easier on the heart and soul, is it not?

My problem isn't that I can't empathize with others; nor do I have much trouble getting along with people. It's simply that on many occasions, I find myself unable to make meaningful connections, no matter how much I may want to. Those that I do manage to forge, I let dissipate a little too easily. Heh, thinking about right after I typed it, the use of the word "forge" seems pretty appropriate, don't you think? The duality of the meaning doesn't escape me:
 1: To form or make through concerted effort, the idea of something strong and lasting
2: To imitate and fabricate

And sometimes I find myself wondering whether what I'm doing is the former or the latter. Whether what we're building is a ziggurat that can weather the test of time or merely a rote imitation of the form with none of the actual substance. It's so hard to tell at times, especially because that "substance" which I speak of so easily is not something that's exactly tangible, nor isolatable for close scrutiny.

I realize, of course that it's highly likely that it's because I'm asking myself these sorts of questions that I'm facing my current problem, but that's a Catch 22, now isn't it?

Strangely, or perhaps not so, I find that the more I care, the harder I find it to take action (forgive me for being intentionally vague, though it has been a recurring theme). It's just that because I care, I desperately want to get everything right, and that kind of engenders doubt and hesitation, which ironically enough, serve to deprive me of my desired outcome. A new approach is needed, it seems; yet personalities don't change overnight, and a forced change just doesn't seem that appealing.

I leave you with an interesting quote (thanks Henhouse!) that I find directly related to introspection in a really tongue-in-cheek manner:

"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package"
Heh, so what about a (wo)man? Methinks that package could be pretty interesting xD

In my happy place

School may be monotonous; morning spent enclosed within those 4 walls, afternoons stuck within that cubicle, head buried, intent, nary a word said to another individual. The ride home; stuck within that metal box, jostling with fellow commuters to get the privilege of being squashed together like sardines. And I turn inwards, upon myself. But when I look out, a new sunset, one I've never quite seen before, and probably never will again. The path home, so well traveled and familiar, yet with subtly noticeable differences. Wonders and marvels abound, a rich wealth of sensations to be tapped upon.

I guess that's the reason I get out of bed for everyday; to meet a brand new day, a sunrise I've never seen before, always something fresh and new, if you just know where to look for it, intriguing developments, while other things remain the same, blissfully so, in fact.

And now onto GP, lest I be sucked into that vicious and all-too-familiar cycle of sleep deprivation all over again. And just after I'd put some hours into that bank too! *hmm maybe I should try to cajole some sort of interest out of it, or maybe direct them towards more profitable enterprises instead*

Blah, it sucks to be an incompetent perfectionist

All I do over the weekend is sleep, apparently. If I wanted to be superfluous about it, I'd probably describe it as clocking hours into the sleep bank in preparation for the coming week. 

My brother's involved in this exchange program with a school in Taiwan so we have this student staying with us for the next week or so. He's pretty interesting, so not too bad. The slightly amusing thing is that he gets car-sick really easily, so we've been limiting the places we've brought him to to those which are nearby. 

I'd never been to Woodlands Waterfront before; only known vaguely that the up-there's had been putting some ka-ching into redeveloping it. It's turned out pretty good,  imo. Nice and cooling, what with the large body of water nearby, and there's an excellent view of Malaysia across the straits. It's pretty well-lit, surprisingly xD

There's this pier extending out, along which we saw quite a number of people who'd set up their fishing poles for some night-fishing (which has incidentally always been one of my dreams) and even this old man who had made this net for catching crabs from up on the pier. Haha, it basically consisted of a stiff-looking mesh net attached to around 3 bamboo poles tied to each other end-to-end. He had it poised just above the water while staring intently into the dark depths, with some cool-looking blinkers (like those you'd see on racehorses) attached to his specs to block out the ambient light, watching for the movements indicative of crabs rising up to the surface, I have no idea what for. He'd then scoop it up with that improvised net. Seems a little far-fetched, right? But he seemed pretty experienced at it, and when we got back, having walked to the end of the pier, we did see this little crab swimming not-so-merrily in his little blue bucket, so his method works, I guess.

Yup, I'd definitely want to go back some other time, talk a walk along the promenade with a friend or two. It's not the beach, there's no sand, and it's definitely not ECP, but it still seems like a pretty awesome place to hangout, have some recreation, and perhaps idly contemplate how long it might take to swim across to M'sia. (Hey why not, if Mas Selemat could make it xP)

The face of insanity

Had this creepy encounter while I was taking the MRT home today that really freaked me out. Coming back from Tian Yuan's exhibition, I was so tired that I just slept and overshot my station to end up at Yew Tee. Not that big a deal, I just went over to the opposite platform, boarded the train, took out my phone and started playing Henhouse. I was pretty engrossed in the game, had just beat Merv's timing (HA TAKE THAT!) and was starting another round when this heavily accented voice thundered at me, disrupting my concentration.

"What game is that?"
*looks up into this pair of intense looking eyes*
"Um it's called henhouse"
"How do you win it?"
"Well, you have to press the numbers from 1 to 100 as fast as possible"
*starts to feel uncomfortable so I looked back down and resumed playing*
"Faster!"
"Faster!"
"FASTER!"
"FASTER!"

and that angmoh guy just kept on screaming at me. I was thinking what the shit lah, freaking scary okay...what's his problem. I didn't dare to say anything though, it just felt like one of those cases where it's best to do nothing. And I crawled off the MRT 2 stops later, relieved to escape from what I see to be a certified lunatic. Seriously.

Tian Yuan's art exhibition was amazing, but I'll save that for sometime when I've recovered from the trauma of getting yelled at by a complete stranger on the MRT.

Talking about insanity, it'd be pretty darn hard to leave out Mr Ngan, who's now the self-styled dictator/authoritarian-leader/Pharaoh of our class. It's like all the wrong buttons have been pushed, and he's out to make a point with a completely over-the-top manic energy. Everyone laughs because we're waiting in horrid fascination & anticipation of what's piece of craziness is going to emerge next, enthralled by that unique brand of insanity like meek rats pinned beneath a snakes unflinching gaze.

I am embarrassed.

I just finished typing out the most incomplete pile of BS I have ever crapped out in a long, long time. And remember, that's counting even the most inane of blog posts. Damn RD.

I'm a hypocrite, I guess, since I find myself condemning it right after devoting much of the time after school ended yesterday to churning it out. I'm actually not too appalled by the Cognitive one I wrote up, but the C&L one was simply terrible and shall not be mentioned from this point on. Bleh.

Off to bed, this sleep deprivation can't last any longer.

Don't you find it just freaking hilarious? The number of words we speak to each other within a single day is probably less than that paltry amount of words which you just read up there. And that's with us being in the same room for at least half the day. I can't help but wonder what'll happen after school ends. Go figure.

My eyes are open

Came home after a pretty fulfilling day - not too unproductive, too! (Y) - to plonk myself down on the floor and just fall asleep. Can't believe I slept so long, lol. But when I came downstairs after waking up (at 12, no less!), showering and whatnot, intent on doing up those pesky RD reflections, first thing I see is my sister sitting at the table, cradling her head in her hands, staring cluelessly at her math. Haix apparently she was going to just fill in rubbish if I hadn't just happened to come down to help her.

On a more positive note:

Thanks Soon Hong for inadvertently making my (yester)day XD

Quick personality test (since those seem all the rage atm) :

Think of 3 animals, 3 favourite animals or whatever. Just the first 3 to come to your head.

[Analysis...after a short intermission]

 

So freaking cute

Haha yeah. So anyway, the first animal's what people see you as, the second's what you see yourself as, and the third's what you really are, apparently.

Interesting; if pointless little test. My answer was Rhino, Hippo, Lion in case you're interested. Was just thinking of African animals, but somehow the first two seem like they kind of fit. Not so sure about that last one, though...

I think I have said this before, but I'm still infinitely thankful for the fact that no matter how emo, cut-off or distant I feel, I still haven't lost the heart and am not so jaded that I'm unable to appreciate the goodness around me. I'm still touched by those acts of kindness (small or otherwise) which my friends do for me.

And yet at the same time, I realize that this world isn't kind to the soft and pure of heart (I'm not speaking of myself, btw. I've been indelibly and irrevocably tainted, that I know). Open yourself too much, allow yourself to feel too deeply, be too sensitive, and you're bound to be hurt sooner or later. Besides that, there's a kind of corrupting effect, where the world simply presses in from all sides, battering and weakening even the strongest of resolves. Most harden themselves, in one way or another, to stand up to this pressure. But it's the rare few who don't, who allow themselves to remain vulnerable, who feel everything so intensely, pain and joy, who will never hesitate to do what they feel is the right thing, defend a friend from another's constant jibes instead of merely laughing along; those rare few are those I find truly special, and simply knowing someone like that, and having him as a friend already makes me feel a little more proud of myself.

Already, the wind blows, shifting patterns in the sand.
My eyes open, I'm seeing clearly, once again.
But some sand's gotten into these open eyes,
So forgive me if I tear, just a little, no more.

Sorry, but raising children isn't like multi-level marketing. Just cause you raise ONE kid decently (shock, I know, but at least you don't see me running around committing a spree of homicides, do you?) doesn't mean that you can leave the rest to him and allow it to continue ad infinitum, hoping for it to miraculously churn out well-balanced kids like some perverse manufacturing line. Things just don't work that way.

You're physically and mentally exhausted from work, I understand. Your patience has worn thin from dealing with anxious, worried, perhaps unreasonable people the entire day, that I understand as well. But that doesn't mean you get to thrust the responsibility of guiding your child onto someone else, IMO. In my honest opinion, no parent has the right, no matter what, to simply say: "I'm tired, and you can see how I can't handle her at all, so YOU do it, learn how to be a responsible brother"

And I try, you know, I really do. Explanations, over and over, trying to be patient, even though I find myself repeating the same thing to her so very frequently. Dealing with the lack of discipline by having to force myself to take on an authoritarian countenance. But nothing can really substitute what you fail (or should I say refuse?) to give.

Honestly, I sometimes find this disgust and revulsion welling up within me as I see you playing that Wordshaker app with her, starting those Korean drama marathons, which you should really know better than to do. I do my best to suppress it, but it gets so strong, at times, and I just want to scream shout out that things can't continue like this. But something stays my hand. It's the knowledge that shouting never helped, and never will. So I keep it in, and imbibe the lessons within myself, resolve that if anything, those are the qualities that I will do my darn-est to never, ever emulate.

What children want isn't material wealth, good food, or anything like that. Is that so hard to understand? I know you get that, can tell from the hint of sadness behind your eyes as we speak, uncharacteristically, about those less superficial things.

So tell me, am I unreasonable in my demands, my expectations?

Don't make me wait like that; it's not very nice xP

Yet another beautiful moon up tonight, and I can't even to begin to wonder why.

Could easily have died to stupidity in LT2 today; I'm pretty fortunate in that respect: though I frequently think about how vulnerable our human lives really are; I've proved pretty resilient to the mishaps I've faced, up till now that is..

Just Winging It

I don't think words would suffice to describe the peculiarly poignant feelings that overcame me as I walked about - and subsequently left - the uni fair today.

I didn't really have a strong reason to go, but went anyway, harboring hopes, perhaps, of finding some measure of direction and a clear aim to direct my efforts towards, to give me motivation. Perhaps I expected too much. As I went around, seeing the names of unis I hadn't previously known, passing through the throngs of people, with the occasional swarms gathered around the particularly renowned among the lot (those I took care to avoid), a feeling of lost-ness came upon me, a sense of a spirit drifting where it doesn't belong. All those people seemingly knowing what they were there for, so purposeful in their actions, the parents forceful in their questioning, and there I was, unsure, really, of even the course I wanted to take, not to mention when/where I wanted to take it.

After awhile, I gathered myself; mustered my courage, and fed myself the spiel which I would adopt for the rest of the day: "I'm interested in taking Biomed Sciences, but don't really want to do research." And so I made my rounds, repeating that mantra at a few booths, presenting those same few queries, obtaining answers which were really not unexpected, nothing special there. And I left.

What really struck me was the realization that for me at least, there's no magical confluence of factors that will scream: THIS IS IT! Perhaps I haven't probed deep enough, but as I went around, listening in on what some of the students had to say, I gradually began to admit to myself that no matter how much I found out about any single uni, I probably wouldn't find one that "called to me" as they put it. You know how at those talks they'll caution you to "choose a college that suits your needs, personality" and so on? It gives the overriding impression that there is a "right choice" to be made, if only one is diligent enough in searching for it.

But there isn't.

And I find the whole idea inconceivably frightening. Not the kind of outright fear one may feel when watching a horror film, but rather the kind that simply insidiously gnaws at you, undermining one's conviction and confidence. Don't you see? College life is going to determine much of our future, yet we're gonna be just "winging it". It's impossible to know everything, have all the facts at one's disposal before making the choice, and it may even be a choice that's amusingly enough, based simply on which unis we've arbitrarily decided to do a little more research into. And it'll shape us, one way or another.

It's not so much that I fear making the wrong choice, but rather that I instinctively know that there's no right one. Whatever I do, there'll always be opportunity costs, so to speak, and after the event, I'll never know whether I'd made the best choice or not.

Is this my cowardice showing? Heh I don't have the confidence of those who can say with certainty that they want to go to XYZ place, nor do I have the sheer chutzpah of those who are unfaltering what'er may come. I'm fraught with indecision.

But this is all a momentary thing, I believe. Cause what Mr Ngan said was wrong (and I say this with no particular vehemence): it's not a path that becomes clear to us as we proceed through life but rather walls that rise from the dirt, creating a corridor where there once was an open plain. It is only that as we go through life, each and every choice we make will invariably limit the future options open to us, and the process continues, halting earlier for some than others. Some find themselves set on the path for life, while others, through a series of unwise decisions, find themselves treading a hair-thin line between life and death, if not walking themselves into a cul de sac. 

I paint a bleak picture, methinks, one that might be entirely representative of reality. But despite my cowardice; for all that I may hesitate before taking that next step, I won't look back once I do, cause that's not the way forwards, is it?

The last desperate clutch at sanity

Gradually, my favorite time of the day's come to be those few minutes as I walk home from the MRT.
Not because I'm reaching home, where those creature comforts reside, along with that creature I call my sister...she's just so unpredictable...and those mood swings...sometimes she's the most angelic little sister one could ever wish for and then there are those times when she's just a complete b!tch, especially when she's PMSing me...

But rather because it's the only time I get to indulge in my senses; which are just so muted throughout the monotony of school. Pull out those earphones, really pay attention to the sounds of the cars passing, those insects that just create this absolute racket at night. Appreciate the silhouette of the trees against the evening sky, the play on the streetlights on the leaves, the very slight tinge of blue that the evening brings to everything. I don't really smell much, since I take special care in making my detour to avoid most of those smokers, but the air's pretty fresh as well, despite the decent traffic volume. So I take my time to make my way home, stopping every now and then to take in the surroundings, enjoying the quiet time with myself (being in the library doesn't count!)

I'll always lament the fact that I couldn't be arsed to learn how to use those high-end cameras properly, since I always find myself witness to beautiful scenes of the moment, which I simply know that I won't be able to capture adequately with my iPhone's puny camera. If the sight I behold can't be captured exactly as I envision it, in just the right amount of detail with the perfect amount of blurring, then what's the point, right? It'd just be an insult to it. I try to commit them to memory, yet my brain isn't the best receptacle for such stuff. I remember finding today's moon especially appealing; a low-lying full moon, edges distinct, "craters" visible, (though Sing Yee may say otherwise) framed by those short shop-houses across the road. Haha but of course my description is wholly insufficient, and my previous attempts to get some pictures using our camera just produced this homogenous white speck in the sky, so that's a pity..

There's no time anymore, and I'm not talking about time left till the A's. With only 2 freaking free periods each week, and practically everyone running off to do their own stuff (not that I don't understand their reasons though) after school, there's been not much time for quality interaction with classmates & friends. Pretty much the only human interaction I get is the really casual stuff in class, with the occasional HTHT with the same few people. We've pretty much got to the point where much has already been said, and things start to become repetitive. There's too little time to even try to get to know those I don't know that well a little better, since everything seems pretty much cast in stone by now, and it doesn't seem worth investing the effort required to raise that chisel to chip away at the rock to make those most inconsequential of changes that could vanish the very next day, like markings in the sand with the coming of the wind, transient as they are. The general consensus seems to be that we've not made much headway throughout the course of the previous year, and with only these last desperate few months to go, why start overtly bothering now?

That reasoning's perfectly sound, though, and who am I to argue?

Frozen durian is totally awesome. Go try it out, since it seems to be in season now. Impending stomachache from over consumption ><

GP Tutors can't do Math, But so can't I

Is that even proper sentence structure? Somehow, I don't really care. Not like someone's gonna be grading this and annotating the sides with little g's and p's are they? So I'll use these semicolons wherever I want, and sentence structure be damned ;)

It's a pretty good indicator of how much I don't care anymore that when I got GP back today, I merely resigned myself to totaling up those paltry marks on the cover sheet and dulled flogged my brain to try to recall what the lower limit for a "C" was. It took Yifan who was sitting beside me to notice at one glance that the marks had been added up wrongly, and it was horrendously off. I still find it pretty amusing that all it took was a little stroke added to the base of that "2" and a little scribble by it to validate the change, bumping it up 2 grades.

So yes, Pn is true, GP tutors indeed aren't good at math at all. Since I didn't notice myself, requiring Yifan to point it out to me, the second clause must be pretty true as well. Those nightmare-inducingly retarded mistakes I made in Math only serve to prove the point. And it wasn't even complex math...it must require a special kind of phail to be able to do integration, differentiation and whatnot well enough yet be unable to even get those most basic of operations right. Seriously.
1/2 f(x) = y => f(x) = y/2 ?
5(2-5u) = 10-5u?

I could just go hide my face in shame.

Haha but don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly depressed about this. It's just therapeutic to fling everything out like this, rather than keeping it inside. And friends, no matter how good, do tend to get tired of relentless whining after awhile. So doing this is actually win-win for all parties involved.

Rather than feeling depressed, I'm actually pretty motivated to do well in the prelims. I won't leave some weak-sounding comment like "we'll see whether this motivation carries through" since now is not the time for such weak-mindedness. I'll jolly well do it, though it may be helpful if some reminders came in from time to time *hinthint*

I dropped by the RJ range during RI's training after doing some work in the library today. I haven't been there in forever; the last time was one of the last few trainings in the run-up to the nats if I remember correctly. I'd almost forgotten how much I liked the place. The slightly stuffy smell of suits that've been fermenting on the rack as far back as I remember (they've started getting rid of them, which is a pity, there's history in those suits), the scent of gun oil which we'd been taught to liberally apply onto the guns in Sec 1 (can't have them rusting!) and the pervasive tang of lead particles in the air. This little patch of RJ that I've been familiar with since I stepped into RI 5/6 years ago, and that I held "dominion" over for just about 3 years as QM from Sec 3 till J2. Heh, to be able to say that with pride isn't something which I would have expected from myself 1 year back, just goes to show how much one's mindset can change, for the better, I must say, if only you allow yourself to.

Other things have changed as well. I can't shoot for nuts now, though I wasn't fantastic to begin with. My Sec 1s are very likely better than I was, and the Sec 4s who're coming up to RJ next year look to be stronger than ever. It's made me consider my contributions to the club of course, but I'm still indescribably pleased that the future looks bright for Raffles Shooting. A Raffles Shooting that has no need for a relic like me :S

"What am I to do, when I love something so much, yet am so hopelessly incompetent at it?"

A question I'd mull over endlessly, pricking my heart with endless needles. Yet I've grown up, I think. Call it a failure's self-consolation, if you will. However, trying so hard without achieving any discernible results has driven me to see value in the process rather than the results. This has proven to be invaluable each time I've had to get up after a failure, brush myself off, and try again. It's a lesson I've fought hard to carve into my body, and it'll serve me well in the days to come.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

On a more trivial note, I don't really get what's with me and falling down. It's as if my butt has made numerous appointments with the ground and is ever so eager in keeping those appointments each time I participate in PE. I just happen to trip a lot, is what I'm trying to say.
Hey butt, I know you can't really help it, but at least try to stop meeting the ground behind my back, k? It kinda hurts..

Haha, I was taking my usual detour home today past this badminton/sepak takraw court when this little girl perched on the referee seat suddenly exclaimed: "Look, there are flowers!"

I'm pretty sure it wasn't directed at me but chuckled nonetheless cause it was just that funny. I really didn't expect her to immediately shout/raise her voice at me, "Hey! What're you laughing at!!"

I didn't reply, of course, merely chuckled somemore and walked on.

It's quite a wistful feeling, seeing such child-like fearlessness. Kinda reminded me of what I was like when I was a kid; not scared of much; except the dark, the Monster Under the Bed and injections, obviously. A world of difference apart is the present me, obsessing over the barest hint of a frown or some other sign of displeasure.

I'm just vaguely pissed that life seems so much different than it was for those generations before us.

When I was young, my grandfather would tell me about his career, how he went to Malaysia to pick up some skills from a relative in the construction industry, came back to Singapore and managed to carve out a job for himself (sorry for the sketchiness of the details, my memory fails me). And I'd nod along, as young kids are wont to do, cause I didn't know any better. But now, what really strikes me, and which is something I respect my grandparents for, is how they were able to so successfully raise their 4 children through their hard work and determination.

Yet increasingly, I get the impression that that's just not sufficient anymore. Perhaps it's because of late, (and by that I mean the past few years) my parents, and most especially my father, have been trying to impress upon us the importance of investing, of "growing" one's money. And as I see them taking up loans to make the aforementioned investments, as they offhandedly joke about how us siblings may have to take up the remaining debt once we start working, all I can think is: "When did all this become necessary? When did hard, honest work stop being enough to raise and ensure a good life for your family?"

I'm not questioning my parents' intentions. I know that they only want the best for us, and that they think it's the best way to achieve it, and that they just think that that's the best way to achieve it. But the message that sends couldn't be any clearer: All that you do in school won't be enough. Even if you work hard all your life, so long as you're working "stupid", you won't make enough money.

Now, I'm not that materialistic a person, I don't hanker after a lifestyle of excessive excess. But it's pretty much an undeniable fact that money greases the rails of life, makes things so much easier. I'm not so much concerned with my life, but that of my family. (assuming I have one in the future) I don't want them to have to worry about or have their aspirations be limited by monetary concerns. And now, achieving that seems quite a remote possibility without forcing myself to develop some investor sense, and be willing to gear, leverage and whatnot, profiting from someone else's loss; all things which I inherently know I'm not cut out to do.

But whatever. Maybe my expectations are simply overly high. I have no idea what reality is like, afterall.

The traditional kampung games thing after school today was vaguely amusing. 5 stones with small pointy rocks, ice cream stick battling, and I got head-shotted during Bola Rambut. Heh you should be able to tell how much I actually learned from my ability (or lack thereof) to recall most of the names of the games :D

Because phail is hereditary

Kang Yan: Get away from me or I'll kick you in the crotchet!!!
Me: *rolls eyes*

Wings

Laps up, laps down, the same stretch of water, repetitive, yet not in a bad way. I'm not a strong swimmer, so there was alot to work on, and it was quite enjoyable to focus solely on improving my stroke.  I normally only attempt frog-style since I've never been able to get free-style down, don't have the stamina to even think of doing butterfly, and backstroke don't seem like a good idea in a pool full of people, it was a Saturday afternoon, afterall. But this time, seeing all the uberly fit dudes surging past me with their oh-so-refined freestyle, I was kind of motivated to do a little practice. It was kind of pathetic how easily I ran out of breathe, but it eventually got better...kinda. I went from being able to sustain it for half a lap to just barely a full lap. Heh, I'm working on it.

Swimming gives a really shiok feeling, and my mind just blanks out while doing it, which just makes it even better. I'll try to do this on a regular basis.

I had this whole section typed out but I'm not going to post it cause it just didn't feel right. Kind of how fresh milk turns sour and rancid when you leave it out in the open for too long. The moment is past, and that's it, I guess. I may come back to it again sometime, but that's up to chance. 


I can't hold a candle to you. Cause you're brilliant, like the sun. If I get too close, these waxen wings of mine will melt and fall apart. I just can't reach you. So go on, ever higher, while I grow wings of my own to give chase, as I stand rooted to the ground, head craned towards the sky.

So forgive me if I'm a little callus

Enlightenment.

I think I now know what I've been building myself up to. Steel (Still) the heart, as with each passing day, I allow myself to die a little more inside. I need this, ironically, if I'm to do what needs to be done.

The establishment of a routine to make it all bearable is necessary, so I implore -no, I beg- you to forgive me as I attempt to minimize the extraneous and cut away at some of that precious time in the process. I really feel guilty about it, and yet can already feel myself almost reflexively deadening these feelings, hardening my heart. And I'm totally hating myself for doing it. This conflict, I can only "resolve" by turning away and running, never to look back.

Does it matter who I am, my desires, my aspirations, if I am to kill them all in preparation for this trial?

What did I win, and what did it cost?

I can only pray that at the end of it all, my answer won't be: Far too much for it to ever be worth it.

Lifeless

I don't know why I've been steeped in melancholy, such that I find it practically seeping out of me, making it a very bitter cup of tea indeed.

It's not that smiling's become an impossibility, it's simply that there's no spirit behind the smile.

I find it hard to believe I could be so facepalm-inducingly fail. I shouldn't, now should I? It's hardly a new thing.

An invitation to tour the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine as a perk for winning something at the Biomed Symposium and I plain forgot about it. It's not about whether I'm interested in applying for medicine or not (still undecided btw) but rather the sheer irresponsibility of it that disgusts me. ARGH. Well, you know what they say about spilt milk, so no use crying over it. (There's also this one bout opportunity only knocking once, but let's think positive, shall we?) Just feeling a little rueful that I made myself miss out on it.

For some inexplicable reason, I don't quite know myself these days. Perhaps it's simply that for a while now, I've been able to get by without asking myself those difficult questions; simply and deliberately turning my head, averting my gaze from that which confronted me. When you decide to wield a critical mindset upon yourself; things start to get messy.

For instance, one of the reasons I do things is cause I find them "interesting". Nothing wrong there, right? But thinking about it, it really doesn't require much thought on my part to justify practically anything as interesting. Grow crops under a micro-credit scheme? Absolutely delightful. Play a higher-order tactical game with black and white stones? Why not! Sign up for some symposium that requires you to work your ass off? Might as well. But the fact is that there're so many potentially "interesting" things to do, aren't there? So I start to be unclear about the motives behind the stuff I do. The supposedly pure motive of "interest" and/or "passion" can't be the only one, since I've found myself able to sufficiently tweak my mindset when required, to find a whole spectrum of things interesting, yet you don't see me rushing off to do all of them. There has to be something else. I'd like to think that I'm not in it for the potential gains, especially given the high odds against me actually deriving some sort of benefit from having participated; that it must have been some freaking coincidence that I managed to blunder my way into qualifying for that RD or whatever. Sounds pretty improbable, huh? I don't know.

I was agonizing over something similar earlier last year, during the run-up to the exco elections. Asking myself exactly why I was running; service or for the recognition? Not getting my desired post ironically proved to me that I was in it for the former. And that's a spot of luck, cause if I had succeeded, I'd have never known.

While others may never think to question my motives, I surely will, cause it matters that much. I'm not sure how else I can act with certainty and conviction, to be positive that I'm not just persuading myself with sugar-coated lies of noble intentions, dressing and prettying them up so I can stomach them.

Cya in school

Chained to the tracks, helpless, as I watch those lights approach. And this fatalistic part of me just wants that train to hurry up already, for it to be done and over with.

So what do I do now? What awaits with the coming of the dawn? And how do I face it? Now, all my brain can do, is draw a load of blanks.

Nonetheless, had loads of fun today at the class outing, thanks Jack for putting everything together! Seems kind of like a proposal you'd submit to your boss. No, they don't want what ifs and possibilities, no matter how varied or attractive. Much preferable is something concrete, laid out, and the only decision left to make is to endorse it or not. Not everyone would bother putting in the effort, so it's good we have someone awesome like him. (Haha, can't help wondering if this flattery is gonna get me anywhere *winkwink*)

Karaoke at the obscenely low price of $22 in total per room for a whole 3 hours (inflexible timings and kinda ulu location aside) followed by lepak-ing at the beach till it was time for dinner.

Side-note: Lifeboat is a perfectly vicious game, where being hated by the navigator can get you unconscious; to be looted freely by your fellow survivors, then KILLED, with the looming prospect of getting your dessicated corpse (yes, that's what happens when one dies of multiple thirst) cannibalized upon by your survivors (note that I no longer use "fellow" since by then you'd have been removed from the ranks of the living). There is one upside, though: Your vengeful spirit gets to drag overboard survivors down to Davy Jone's locker or wtv along with them, a little perk for the dead.  The constant bickering and arguments, with the promise of favors and support traded freely, along with provisions as an additional incentive (read: bribery) were really quite interesting; if only because they were steeped in hilarity. The formation and dissolution of alliances which were temporary at best were just awesome to watch from the sidelines, occasionally interrupting to voice a point (the dead DO tell tales in this game). Yifan's "whoring" of his "services" (which turned out to be paltry at best) to whoever offered him even the slightest benefits, which eventually resulted in him being stuck in indecision as all sides called upon him to fulfill his side of the many verbal agreements was just funny to watch. I shan't be cruel here and say that it reflects upon his character, since it's just a game afterall XD Angela's at most dubious offer to Yongjin to "make him the navigator if he first assisted her in forcing Mervyn to give up the navigator position" was even more funny to behold. Wheeee.

We then made our way home after dinner at Parkway.

Haha something that kinda grated at me was all the "See you tomorrow in school"s as we bid our farewells. It's not really that it was irritating or anything like that, just the thought that Term 3 starts for real tomorrow (or well, TODAY), and that from here on, it's one long, or perhaps not so long, stretch till the A's. Life doesn't seem to be looking up at all.

It's time to take the plunge. Let's just hope that it's the kind of plunge you experience when you're safely seated on a rollercoaster as it reaches its peak, where you feel high even as you drop, and not a plunge down your ("your" is a figure of speech, by the way. I don't have access to your toilet, or any part of your house, for that matter) toilet bowl and into a cesspool of shit. I don't think NEWater would allow me back after that..

Cya in school.

Just wiped the dust off my laptop's screen, and the fingerprints left on it when it was so unceremoniously prodded so long ago.

Shan't go on about the CTs, suffice to say I know what I have to do, and I won't shy away from doing it. Yes.

Other than that, the post-CT programme was laughably atypical. Pretty much zombified after staying up to cram chem but no choice, we had 2 essays for that increasingly ridiculous NEFMQ, supposedly due before 5pm that day. Heh so after a good lunch at Bakerzin (with a 1 for 1 offer courtesy of Tyf), before which we had put some ideas down on paper - YES, we were that dedicated - we camped at Starbucks for the better part of 3 hours.

While it does seem a little no life, which the many RJ people (including a group who'd withdrawn from the competition!) who just happened to pass by didn't hesitate to remind us about, I found it pretty fun myself. Working with a bunch of friends on something that well, wasn't schoolwork, discussing how an idiot like Anthony who didn't have any savings shouldn't even dream of taking a car loan in the first place, lest he be saddled with debt for the rest of his natural life (I'm over-exaggerating a little), comparing the relative benefits between a carbon trading scheme and taxation on reducing carbon emissions, and not to mention Amos' steady descent into insanity (hmm, is that the right word? Deliriousness, perhaps) as he put down some pretty incredible stuff, such as how "a carbon credit scheme not only cripples Adam Smith's Invisible Hand but totally decapitates it as well!"

I just can't say how - hmm, not fun exactly, but I don't have a better word - fun it was, sitting there between Jack and Amos, with Yifan to one side composing a song which he professed to contain a mix-up of a couple of songs' melodies. Those last 20 mins, when my laptop had only 21 mins of battery left in it as we strove to chop the essays down to size (500 words is wholly insufficient to get any arguments going), the merciless deconstruction of sentences lovingly crafted, the eventual jubilation at a task completed, panic as the last few minutes neared and my comp died, while the wireless steadfastly refused to work on Amos', and my facepalm-inducing realization that I had brought my charger along in my bag. The eventual scramble till we finally got them submitted, but not till 7 mins past 5. And a few hours later, the WTF moment when the organizers sent out an email stating that the deadline was at 1159.

Haha so thanks guys, the discussions were fun, I've never hung out at Starbucks before, so it's an experience I guess, and most thanks go out to Tyf who wasn't part of our group but should be pretty much an honorary member for help rendered, most significantly in the final reduction to meet the word count. Well...it was either that or going to pimp with the girls, so perhaps he merely chose the lesser evil xP

Now here's hoping something comes out of it, though that doesn't really matter anymore; or to be more precise, didn't really matter since the beginning.

Heh some completely random encounter on the way back after that got me thinking, but that's all I'll say on that.

The toilets at Ion are insanely extravagant. Hope I don't sound like the country bumpkin newly arrived to the city, with the dirt of the road still resting on my shoes, but I swear it's the truth. Like seriously, it's the first shopping centre I've ever seen which has those small tv screens over every freaking urinal, and each sink has its own hand-drying/towel dispensing module parked discretely above it behind the mirror. What the SHIT.