The Monday after I posted that post, I was called up to S1s office and told, without much fanfare that I was approved to disrupt for my studies at NTU. It's been quite a rush, signing all the relevant documents as well as agreeing to extend my service by 212 days when I come back so that I can fulfill the minimum 1 year serving as an MO, quite painful considering how much time I'm losing to NS versus my peers, but I was never going to come out on top in that aspect anyway, so I'm not complaining too much. Amidst the application for FFIs, serving my last COS (and getting pranked by Justin, REC Jameson Lee and 1SG Sundram Murugan lol, felt like dao-ing the call but I had a duty to perform), going down to the medical centre for my blood test, hasty attempts to help my section wrap up some outstanding work while also having to sort through my stash of stuff in my locker to pack my duffel bag and ready myself to leave, I've barely had time to catch my breath - not that I'd want to amidst the prevailing haze - not to mention really think about how I feel about all this.I know that most of it is nostalgia, that feeling you get when you know you'll never have anything quite like you had before, of having to move on from something that's familiar, not necessarily good and enjoyable all the time, but comfortable. I suppose I won't be able to be with my section anymore, and the feeling was quite intense, as I ran about settling my stuff last week, and when I got back there was this irrevocable distance I felt between us, they're already moving on, mentally ready to carry on without me, so where does that leave me, exactly? All set to carry on my own little tangent, that's simply the nature of meetings and partings, isn't it? I'll probably never get to touch a tank, let alone operate the L2-AVLB again, barring anything absolutely catastrophic. I'm not complaining, I hardly could, when I've been so unbelievably fortunate, but I've always been one who's been bad at moving on. (Or, I fear sometimes, altogether too good, too quick too adept at amputating that which feels dear to me, casting it aside, phantom limbs ache now and then)
It all feels so heartless, doesn't it? That life could go on much as before, we meet new people, have new experiences, move onwards smile on face with nary a glance backwards for those we've left behind. It's fair though, everyone carries on eventually, some sooner, some later, but I'd like to think that in our heart of hearts we all bear fragments of time spent together, moments locked in time we return to from time to time, and maybe that's enough to keep us going.
I've had an extended weekend clearing my remaining off and such; most of it spent at home by virtue of the haze, mostly surfing the net haha. While burning time on Youtube I decided to watch something apart from Dota2 replays, and it's hard, for me at least, because I find that the suggestions based on what you're already subscribed too and have watched recently actually seek to restrict me to such a small swathe of the content actually available. In a bid to escape this profiling, I ended up randomly typing keywords into the search bar and found myself at the Tested.com channel. So what drew me to it is this: Apart from loads of cool-ish tech related stuff, it also has interviews and such with Jamie and Adam of Mythbusters, which/who I'm a total fanboy off haha. No idea whether it's a testament to how bored I've been, but I've been watching ALOT of their videos. They're wonderful people. I actually spent 1/2 an hour watching Adam building a box. Seriously. Hmm I think I'll embed it here:
What held my fascination about this was him bringing us through the entire process, from conception to final product, and well basically observing how meticulous he is with even the smallest detail. These guys are pros in the special effects industry, years of experience, and it shows in the execution and the way he tackled it. Damn good way to spend 30 mins if your opp costs are pretty low hehe.
And for further inspiration:
A speech he gave at Maker Faire 2012. I don't know how relevant this could be to most of us, in what we want to do, but it's something I'd recommend anyway. 15.30 onwards where he speaks about his "Manifesto" is particularly inspiring. I've written before of my fascination with the concept of "Makers" put forth by Orson Scott Card in the Tales of Alvin Maker series, and he just seems like the epitome of that. And maybe we may not possess the technical know-how and skills to do things on the level he does, we may never, but each time we try to put things together in ways they haven't been before, or even if they have been done before, doing it for ourselves, or in a more figurative sense, come up with new ideas and concepts which we're fascinated with and working on and developing them, we're makers in our own right.
"The maker is the one who is part of what he makes"
I can't admit that I know where all this leads to, just wanted to get it out there. It's been a restful prolonged weekend, some good chilling with JAM for dinner and Acid Bar, I made a trip down to Bishan the other day to get my photo taken for matriculation (another pain but a crucial step forward) and borrowed some books too, a couple about Machiavelli, Kant, the case for pessimism and Dan Brown. Wonder whether I'll be able to finish them before school starts haha.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
When the air turns to poison (A contemporary edition)
As someone who used to be a sci-fi aficionado, I'm pretty familiar with those cautionary portrayals of a not-so-distant future, replete with the various environmental impacts of human exploitation on the Earth, and more interestingly, the way mankind copes with them. Be it relocating from the affected areas, building cities upon spires in the sky ala The Jetsons, burrowing under the earth to seek refuge, ensconcing ourselves in great spheres, or abandoning the planet and scattering to the cosmos, Wall-e comes to mind in this case. The fertility of human imagination and the will to live form a potent combination, giving birth to such fantastical "solutions". That's what I love about sci-fi: Its exploration of the trajectory of society's progress; where it may lead and the issues it may bring.
Which very neatly brings me, after much vacillation to the current hazy situation. But rather than an apportioning of blame, or comment about the ineffectual flapping around on the political front, because really, what can we do? What's been more interesting to me have been the ways we've been dealing with the haze: From the more mundane N95 masks, to the guys donning full-face chemical defense masks, it's obvious that this has impacted us to some extent. And this isn't the first time we've been the victims of our neighbor's negative externalities, so much so that the face mask has become something of a seasonal garb for some of us, but it's unprecedented in degree and has quite rightly unsettled various individuals seated in high places. In the army (cause that's pretty much all I know), response was as swift as could be expected, urged on no doubt by the current safety climate (8th core value lol), outdoor activities were quickly curtailed before eventually being cut-off altogether - disrupting our plans to change tracks, you won't find me complaining though - and the night found us seeking refuge in the offices, pillows and blankets in hand - sorry if I'm giving a negative portrayal of the army - as PSI levels soared, having had our hopes of being allowed to head home dashed mercilessly. All this while I found myself melodramatically entertaining thoughts of what could happen were pollution levels to persist or perhaps even continue to climb further, air handling units whirling desperately as their filters get clogged up with carbon particles in the air, people beginning to drop like flies, those with past history first, as the realization sinks in that the air we used to breathe and take for-granted is simply no longer breathable. Conjuring scenarios of whether this could hint at the harbinger of a new Ice Age, caused not by the eruption of nascent super-volcanos, ash clouding the sky, but rather the spread of flames beyond what we claim to be able to control, soot released, blocking the sun. Pretty far-fetched but an interesting 'exercise' for a way too idle mind.
I make no claim to be a bleeding-heart environmentalist, but it should be pretty clear that environmental preservation or even simply limiting the extent of environmental damage simply isn't possible within a solely capitalist environment. Companies cannot be made to wholly feel the consequences of their actions, since these negative externalities can hardly be localised, and rarely, if ever, will they feel the onus to sacrifice some of their profits in the name of the environmental protection. There has to be something above the profit margins that we're all answerable to, a corporate and social accountability. Even setting that aside and looking at profits alone, one glance at the curative/coping measures sci-fi writers and/or scientists (though the two are hardly mutually exclusive) have laid out before us will inform us that these measures will not come cheaply. Would it not be remiss if not downright negligent to ignore the long-term costs of environmental damage in favour of short-term profits? "Prevention is better than cure", "A stitch in time saves nine", adages so overused that we're all sick of them, but that's the only possible course of action, if you don't wish to see us scrambling over ourselves to find the next solution; at that point long queues to get N95 masks will be the least of our concerns. If corporations can't be made to plan and act with the future in mind, besides some blatantly token gestures of appeasement, shouldn't that be where the very visible hand comes in to make them do so? It's not going to be easy, when such huge sums of money are involved, the system needs much enforcement: When the government claims no control over the activities of such corporations within their own jurisdictions, even when these activities are illegal, then you know that there's something very wrong going on.
Someone has to bite the bullet, before we're all forced to do so somewhere down the line of inaction, excuses and false promises.
An interesting question, a little food for thought though: Why protect the environment? Above I've only talked about (and not at any particular depth even at that) the benefits accrued to mankind, or conversely the discomfort we stand to experience and the costs accumulated by sustained environmental damage. Are there any further reasons? Our intrinsic and inextricable link to the natural environment around us and an innate capacity to appreciate it? The intangible joy we experience while enveloping ourselves in it? The desire to preserve it for our children? Or even out of, as the cynical may call it, a sense of nostalgia, to keep things just as they are. Even then, all these intangibles derive themselves from a very human perspective. Motivations which if not exactly selfish harbour at least a little self-interest. Is there anything else? Thinking about all this brings me back to those PW days, really. Heh perhaps I'd benefit from digging up those materials and having a look around.
Which very neatly brings me, after much vacillation to the current hazy situation. But rather than an apportioning of blame, or comment about the ineffectual flapping around on the political front, because really, what can we do? What's been more interesting to me have been the ways we've been dealing with the haze: From the more mundane N95 masks, to the guys donning full-face chemical defense masks, it's obvious that this has impacted us to some extent. And this isn't the first time we've been the victims of our neighbor's negative externalities, so much so that the face mask has become something of a seasonal garb for some of us, but it's unprecedented in degree and has quite rightly unsettled various individuals seated in high places. In the army (cause that's pretty much all I know), response was as swift as could be expected, urged on no doubt by the current safety climate (8th core value lol), outdoor activities were quickly curtailed before eventually being cut-off altogether - disrupting our plans to change tracks, you won't find me complaining though - and the night found us seeking refuge in the offices, pillows and blankets in hand - sorry if I'm giving a negative portrayal of the army - as PSI levels soared, having had our hopes of being allowed to head home dashed mercilessly. All this while I found myself melodramatically entertaining thoughts of what could happen were pollution levels to persist or perhaps even continue to climb further, air handling units whirling desperately as their filters get clogged up with carbon particles in the air, people beginning to drop like flies, those with past history first, as the realization sinks in that the air we used to breathe and take for-granted is simply no longer breathable. Conjuring scenarios of whether this could hint at the harbinger of a new Ice Age, caused not by the eruption of nascent super-volcanos, ash clouding the sky, but rather the spread of flames beyond what we claim to be able to control, soot released, blocking the sun. Pretty far-fetched but an interesting 'exercise' for a way too idle mind.
I make no claim to be a bleeding-heart environmentalist, but it should be pretty clear that environmental preservation or even simply limiting the extent of environmental damage simply isn't possible within a solely capitalist environment. Companies cannot be made to wholly feel the consequences of their actions, since these negative externalities can hardly be localised, and rarely, if ever, will they feel the onus to sacrifice some of their profits in the name of the environmental protection. There has to be something above the profit margins that we're all answerable to, a corporate and social accountability. Even setting that aside and looking at profits alone, one glance at the curative/coping measures sci-fi writers and/or scientists (though the two are hardly mutually exclusive) have laid out before us will inform us that these measures will not come cheaply. Would it not be remiss if not downright negligent to ignore the long-term costs of environmental damage in favour of short-term profits? "Prevention is better than cure", "A stitch in time saves nine", adages so overused that we're all sick of them, but that's the only possible course of action, if you don't wish to see us scrambling over ourselves to find the next solution; at that point long queues to get N95 masks will be the least of our concerns. If corporations can't be made to plan and act with the future in mind, besides some blatantly token gestures of appeasement, shouldn't that be where the very visible hand comes in to make them do so? It's not going to be easy, when such huge sums of money are involved, the system needs much enforcement: When the government claims no control over the activities of such corporations within their own jurisdictions, even when these activities are illegal, then you know that there's something very wrong going on.
Someone has to bite the bullet, before we're all forced to do so somewhere down the line of inaction, excuses and false promises.
An interesting question, a little food for thought though: Why protect the environment? Above I've only talked about (and not at any particular depth even at that) the benefits accrued to mankind, or conversely the discomfort we stand to experience and the costs accumulated by sustained environmental damage. Are there any further reasons? Our intrinsic and inextricable link to the natural environment around us and an innate capacity to appreciate it? The intangible joy we experience while enveloping ourselves in it? The desire to preserve it for our children? Or even out of, as the cynical may call it, a sense of nostalgia, to keep things just as they are. Even then, all these intangibles derive themselves from a very human perspective. Motivations which if not exactly selfish harbour at least a little self-interest. Is there anything else? Thinking about all this brings me back to those PW days, really. Heh perhaps I'd benefit from digging up those materials and having a look around.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Time in Transit
It's funny now that I think about it, that for the past couple of weeks now, I've been in a slump of sorts, unable to muster any motivation while in camp and overcome by this overwhelming sian-ness. I don't have anything against NS in particular, but it also isn't an experience that I'd savor, more like something necessary but uncomfortable that I'd rather get over and done with ASAP. It actually brings to mind a picture TianYuan showed be way back in J2, something she'd composed, of a whole bunch on people in a MRT, each occupied either with a book, music, conversations etc, all directing their attention on something/anything else except the journey, as they hurtled on, thus ensconced, to their next destination. A time in transit, a journey we attempt in multifarious ways to distance ourselves from, and on we go.
Yet with the very imminent prospect of having this journey cut short, I find myself pondering over it more and more. Day to day life will never be quite the same, to say the least, never will I find myself working and living so closely (awkward phrasing? x.x) with my friends and sectionmates, days occupied with the very immediate worries, none of those nebulous thoughts about what the future may bring, only concerns about how to dodge the next arrow, and planning for the week ahead.
Is it something I'll miss? I obviously have mixed feelings about that.
I don't dislike my vocation and role; I actually enjoy operating the L2-AVLB, and have some pride in the proficiency I've developed at doing so, acquiring the knack of driving against the brakes; maintaining the delicate balance between the service brakes and accelerator pedals, learning to judge for myself, from the operator's seat the tank's alignment with the bridge, without the need for a ground guide, the familiarity with the whole launching and retrieval procedure I've gained, and the growing ease with which we deal with our package operations as well, something initially performed with trepidation. I remember, of course, the immense sense of satisfaction of a job well done which permeates the body (though that may be the fatigue speaking) after a particularly tiring servicing, not to mention after breaking, changing and re-linking our tracks.
So I guess my point is that amidst all the sian moments which I've been experiencing in the day to day routine, and how there is little "spiritual fulfillment" to be found in life in camp, there are things to enjoy, and well, whether I get to disrupt or not, I'll try my best to appreciate, if not savor these last few days/months of this phase of life, rather than make attempts to emotionally distance myself from it.
Some recent events in camp that I'm not sure you guys would be all too interested to hear about but they're pretty noteworthy (to myself at least) nonetheless.
More of my seniors ORD-ed 2 weeks ago, and the feeling was really driven home when I booked in last week and realized that they weren't around anymore. Now, I didn't really make great efforts to engage each and every one of them, but being at the same coy line, their presence was always so ubiquitous, so unavoidable, so reassuring in a way. Having some of them drop by my bunk at night for some random chatting, their constant incursions into our platoon office during the day was always a welcome interruption to the days tedium, and even the usual di-xiaoing ever-present in any group of guys are all things - minor things, no doubt - that I will miss. The company just seems so much emptier now. It's not like partings and goodbyes are something new, as a 1 1/2 yr soldier I've got to experience more than a couple of those, but it's been a poignant experience each time. I have no idea whether we'll be keeping in touch; I somehow feel that for my generation at least, the saying that army builds bonds for a lifetime doesn't hold much water, but I'll always be thankful for our crossing of paths and the memories it wrought. Who do we hold on to, who do we let go? Pertinent questions at this stage of life when all I seem to have are an ever dwindling circle of friends, who I treasure ever more for it, but honestly who knows what the future may bring.
With the recent near-complete change in the command team; OC changed 2 months back, CSM just 2 weeks ago, things have really been looking up. I'd rather not speak (too) negatively of the old one, because I'm aware that we don't know the full picture, and that they were probably also under a lot of pressure from above, but the change in atmosphere within the company is palpable. I helps so much to have an OC who's able to hold a normal conversation with his guys and basically communicate his thoughts to a greater extent without having things being all awkward, and to have a CSM who's willing to listen to our views; he actually spent the weeks prior to taking over informally approaching all the various sections to ask how we felt about the previous regime, and to find out our various causes for dissatisfaction, and followed up on all of them very promptly. I've been impressed at the level of engagement he has shown, and with the way he addresses us as if he were one of us, taking care to explain the rationale for the things we have to do, not implementing unnecessary measures, and overall giving off the impression that he's staunchly on our side. It's commanders like these who show an appreciation and understanding of our efforts and limitations that engender a willingness to work under them, as well as a happiness in getting work done; there's been a wholesale change in the style of leadership, which till now has been very top-down in approach, and all of us appreciate it. Of course we're still in the early days yet, no idea how things will turn out in the long run, but if they keep things up the days ahead in MEC seem to be shaping up pretty well indeed.
Yet with the very imminent prospect of having this journey cut short, I find myself pondering over it more and more. Day to day life will never be quite the same, to say the least, never will I find myself working and living so closely (awkward phrasing? x.x) with my friends and sectionmates, days occupied with the very immediate worries, none of those nebulous thoughts about what the future may bring, only concerns about how to dodge the next arrow, and planning for the week ahead.
Is it something I'll miss? I obviously have mixed feelings about that.
I don't dislike my vocation and role; I actually enjoy operating the L2-AVLB, and have some pride in the proficiency I've developed at doing so, acquiring the knack of driving against the brakes; maintaining the delicate balance between the service brakes and accelerator pedals, learning to judge for myself, from the operator's seat the tank's alignment with the bridge, without the need for a ground guide, the familiarity with the whole launching and retrieval procedure I've gained, and the growing ease with which we deal with our package operations as well, something initially performed with trepidation. I remember, of course, the immense sense of satisfaction of a job well done which permeates the body (though that may be the fatigue speaking) after a particularly tiring servicing, not to mention after breaking, changing and re-linking our tracks.
So I guess my point is that amidst all the sian moments which I've been experiencing in the day to day routine, and how there is little "spiritual fulfillment" to be found in life in camp, there are things to enjoy, and well, whether I get to disrupt or not, I'll try my best to appreciate, if not savor these last few days/months of this phase of life, rather than make attempts to emotionally distance myself from it.
Some recent events in camp that I'm not sure you guys would be all too interested to hear about but they're pretty noteworthy (to myself at least) nonetheless.
More of my seniors ORD-ed 2 weeks ago, and the feeling was really driven home when I booked in last week and realized that they weren't around anymore. Now, I didn't really make great efforts to engage each and every one of them, but being at the same coy line, their presence was always so ubiquitous, so unavoidable, so reassuring in a way. Having some of them drop by my bunk at night for some random chatting, their constant incursions into our platoon office during the day was always a welcome interruption to the days tedium, and even the usual di-xiaoing ever-present in any group of guys are all things - minor things, no doubt - that I will miss. The company just seems so much emptier now. It's not like partings and goodbyes are something new, as a 1 1/2 yr soldier I've got to experience more than a couple of those, but it's been a poignant experience each time. I have no idea whether we'll be keeping in touch; I somehow feel that for my generation at least, the saying that army builds bonds for a lifetime doesn't hold much water, but I'll always be thankful for our crossing of paths and the memories it wrought. Who do we hold on to, who do we let go? Pertinent questions at this stage of life when all I seem to have are an ever dwindling circle of friends, who I treasure ever more for it, but honestly who knows what the future may bring.
With the recent near-complete change in the command team; OC changed 2 months back, CSM just 2 weeks ago, things have really been looking up. I'd rather not speak (too) negatively of the old one, because I'm aware that we don't know the full picture, and that they were probably also under a lot of pressure from above, but the change in atmosphere within the company is palpable. I helps so much to have an OC who's able to hold a normal conversation with his guys and basically communicate his thoughts to a greater extent without having things being all awkward, and to have a CSM who's willing to listen to our views; he actually spent the weeks prior to taking over informally approaching all the various sections to ask how we felt about the previous regime, and to find out our various causes for dissatisfaction, and followed up on all of them very promptly. I've been impressed at the level of engagement he has shown, and with the way he addresses us as if he were one of us, taking care to explain the rationale for the things we have to do, not implementing unnecessary measures, and overall giving off the impression that he's staunchly on our side. It's commanders like these who show an appreciation and understanding of our efforts and limitations that engender a willingness to work under them, as well as a happiness in getting work done; there's been a wholesale change in the style of leadership, which till now has been very top-down in approach, and all of us appreciate it. Of course we're still in the early days yet, no idea how things will turn out in the long run, but if they keep things up the days ahead in MEC seem to be shaping up pretty well indeed.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Dreams
I dream about it still; didn't think I would but unfortunately that's the way it is. I guess on a subconscious level I want to make things right, but that ship set sail a long time ago.
Often we tell ourselves that only if we had done this or that, then perhaps things might have turned out differently when more often than not it was already decided by the small things cumulatively stacking up over time, catalyzed and sped up by key events maybe, but already set in motion. What could I have done?
This sense of helplessness has only been exacerbated by my time here, and I fear it has tainted my world view as well. So often I find myself at a loss, not, I think, out of an inability to relate, but rather crippled wondering whether I have anything meaningful to offer, whether mere words could have any of an impact. When speaking to my sectionmates I talk not of getting it done well for the sake of it, not of the "higher" purpose, not of leaving our vehicles in the best possible condition, but rather of getting it over and done with, saying it's only a few more months till our juniors come in, we zao to Wallaby then ORD. Such sentiment is so pervasive, it's the norm, and it becomes very hard to think positively, to find any sort of motivation at all. Do note though that while I may be saying all these here (and I'm sure this holds true for others as well) that I still do commit effort to my tasks, I just hit this wall at times where I find any attempts of meaningful communication futile and it takes a step backwards towards getting things done, I've learnt to speak the lingo, and I guess unavoidably been infected as well.
But such a mindset cannot last, the above was not self-justification or defense, it's something I know needs working on; I'd be absolutely terrified if I let it linger in myself after leaving this place. You can't persist with the "get it over and done with" indefinitely; when does it stop? The time as well as the responsibility is mine and I hate going on with this emptiness inside of me, the void left when the fire inside has consumed everything and burned itself out.
I need to sustain my spirit, as we all do, somehow.
Often we tell ourselves that only if we had done this or that, then perhaps things might have turned out differently when more often than not it was already decided by the small things cumulatively stacking up over time, catalyzed and sped up by key events maybe, but already set in motion. What could I have done?
This sense of helplessness has only been exacerbated by my time here, and I fear it has tainted my world view as well. So often I find myself at a loss, not, I think, out of an inability to relate, but rather crippled wondering whether I have anything meaningful to offer, whether mere words could have any of an impact. When speaking to my sectionmates I talk not of getting it done well for the sake of it, not of the "higher" purpose, not of leaving our vehicles in the best possible condition, but rather of getting it over and done with, saying it's only a few more months till our juniors come in, we zao to Wallaby then ORD. Such sentiment is so pervasive, it's the norm, and it becomes very hard to think positively, to find any sort of motivation at all. Do note though that while I may be saying all these here (and I'm sure this holds true for others as well) that I still do commit effort to my tasks, I just hit this wall at times where I find any attempts of meaningful communication futile and it takes a step backwards towards getting things done, I've learnt to speak the lingo, and I guess unavoidably been infected as well.
But such a mindset cannot last, the above was not self-justification or defense, it's something I know needs working on; I'd be absolutely terrified if I let it linger in myself after leaving this place. You can't persist with the "get it over and done with" indefinitely; when does it stop? The time as well as the responsibility is mine and I hate going on with this emptiness inside of me, the void left when the fire inside has consumed everything and burned itself out.
I need to sustain my spirit, as we all do, somehow.
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