Time for a post. The hols have this miraculous slowing down effect, life progresses at a slower pace (despite the looming specter of the CTs and the mugging necessitated), there's so much less to focus on and my brain thus moves in to feel the gap, latching on to the passing events in the flow of time and appreciating the opportunity of finally having the luxury of being able to process them. So please do pardon me if when I lapse into self-indulgent rambling. Remember; it's your own fault that you're here, so deal with it =)

I find some things unfathomable, like say some people's reactions to the most innocuous of actions. I'm the kind of person who instinctively attempts to reason and rationalize the things happening around me, and I'd say that despite not being the most perceptive person around, I'm not all that bad at understanding the motivations behind what others do (given enough time), so I find such occurrences where I am totally unable to do so utterly puzzling and am left bewildered. My eventual conclusion is one that doesn't leave me very happy at all.

I'm getting tired of selfishness, power games and their ilk. The lack of maturity from all sides involved is getting on my nerves.

Selfishness: I mean okay, of course I understand that times are tight; life's a rat race where we just have to come in ahead of the competition, there's often little room for us to be concerned about others' interests before our own, but really. Self-preservation is an instinct that even the lowliest of organisms possess. Don't you think that as rational thinking beings, self-proclaimed "stewards" of this planet; we should be able to rise above this most basic of instincts, give life a more "human" touch; if I may put it that way? I can be tolerant of selfish behaviour, I accept it occasionally surfacing in those I care about, nor do I deny being selfish myself; nobody's perfect, afterall. However, I really would appreciate it if we all put even a little more effort into overcoming this in-built myopic-ness. In fact, I'm really touched when I observe such behaviour being exhibited.

Power games: My, aren't they just fun. Basically two parties messing with each other through mostly juvenile means in an attempt to establish some form of "dominance" over the other. Even more exciting is that there's never really an end to it; even if one side wants to end it/back out, so long as the other still retains insecurities about their position, on with the games! If the other doesn't respond, complete and utter pwnage occurs. Amazing, ain't it? Imo it may have something to do with an innate desire to establish and gauge our positions on the ever-so-metaphorical societal "ladder" relative to those around us. Do note that this is just a pet theory of mine. It's entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, seeing these "power games" when there aren't any; and perhaps I'm being the 小人 in this case, taking too much notice of what others see as merely inconsequential. And I'll never be able to fully justify this belief. All I can do is to implore you to give it a try: Try inspecting the societal interactions around you and see if you can't see some evidence that lends it some credence in your eyes afterall. BUT assuming that they're true, I bet that you, too could understand why I'd be tired of them. Seeing others constantly engaged in them, and experiencing the spillover effects of the ill feelings engendered in the course of these games; wondering at the ridiculousness of it all...

Well, I've noticed that I only really take notice at the point when patience wears thin, the days where all the unfortunate events just keep piling up, accumulating. So its probably not that big of a deal at all.

Shopping with my family was oddly therapeutic; I'm beginning to see how some could find it addictive, barring the prohibitively high costs, and the eventual guilt at having spent so much on just clothes. Hahaha

Oh and btw, for those of you who read the huge chunks above; if you thought I was talking about you, then that means I probably wasn't, so go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back =)

I love my grandmother. She doesn't expect anything of me, and understands. I don't know how else to put it. I think that no matter how cynical and callous I get (won't be growing roots and shoots anytime soon though), a few quiet words of hers can still touch my heart.

Started mugging properly today. Productivity wasn't all that, but at least it's a start, right?

Mad World

Dysfunctional little people in a big dysfunctional world.

I am not ignorant of the pain/unhappiness/angst that each of us faces. Some of us may be more vocal about it (like myself), while others may simply choose to not be as open about it. That's why each and every day is a surprise to me. I'm constantly amazed at how society manages to toddle around despite the seemingly chronic depression which afflicts us humans. Now, that's just an observation based on what I've seen on the 'net, so there may be a silent majority of happy, contented, beatific individuals for all I know -or perhaps I'm simply looking at the wrong sites. But (and do feel free to correct me on this), intuitively I don't think that's the case. And so I go on being impressed; At the duality of human nature: The efficiency with which we can segment our emotions, which allows us to wax lyrical about how we're falling into an abyss of darkness or shit, for example, and the next day, step out into the sunshine with a smile on our face, joking with individuals who may well have been blogging about the death of their pet goldfish the very day before.

Haunting my dreams...can't get it out of my head.

The near-frantic search for misplaced notes as I sought to gather my materials for the coming month kinda makes me wish I hadn't inherited my family's near-aversion to orderliness and organization. Was quite fail that the chem bonding notes I'd been turning the house upside down to look for ended up being with my brother - I lent them to him earlier in a rare moment of generosity and forgot all about it.

GP wasn't too bad - I hope, though there's never any way to tell, honestly. One of the first times I've written an essay I'm marinally satisfied with, that's good. My main problem's with that wretched Paper 2, my hand actually cramped towards the end as I was frantically trying to spam out the points. I had NO time to spend planning, and only just enough to glance at the passages, search wildly for any point, instantly generate some semblance of an idea and start writing immediately :/ It didn't help that I was feeling pretty sick that day.

Going out with the guys after that raised some hoo-hah at home, and that's probably cause I said too much while trying to be accountable and all that. Makes me regret it a little. The worst of it has passed though, things'll be just fine.

I hate how I've been on hair-trigger mode recently; though I may not necessarily show it, now its such that sometimes even the most trivial things can get me seething and my brain starts throwing out the most deplorable arguments and I become horribly cynical. I'm a little afraid of letting this side burst out uncontrolled though, despite the effort it takes to reign it in, cause I really don't want to lose/scare off my friends, I haven't got that many to lose, and I do treasure them, really.

"When we passed each other, she didn't deign to even say hello, ... ... How, then, can I believe that our parting caused her any tears?"
-Urdu poet Mirza Ghalib

Really resonates.

Condemnation can occur in a matter of seconds, requires little thought and next to no sensitivity at all. Yet its effects can be particularly hurtful.

A smile doesn't require much effort at all, so I put mine on before I step out the door.

Braindead after the pre-emlistment checkup. I'm so going to fail GP tmr. It wasn't so much the medical checkup, though having to get poked both in the left and right arm sucked a little. It was more the mind-numbingly long vocation allocation test that killed me. Like fine, I can see the point of it, but do you have to make it so that it takes more than 2 hours to do!? Seriously. A never-ending slew of questions demanding for me to arrange, manipulate, mess around with nonsensical strings of letters simply to test how well I follow instructions? If it weren't serious business I'd have started filling in nonsense back at them a long time ago.

I'd like to whine more, but it's starting to feel pathetic so will leave it at that.

Sister: I can't believe my big brother failed

I know she wasn't being serious; but it's a galling feeling nonetheless, one I don't really want to feel ever again if I can help it. I'm not afraid to fail, but rather am fearful of the reactions of those around me. Sometimes I just want to chop away those threads, but can't quite bring myself to do it.

I find it pretty ironic that such an irresponsible person like myself could have such a strong sense of responsibility. It's a pretty lousy combo, if you ask me. It sucks to have to constantly apologize for my own ineptitude. Too often it seems like I'm having to make up for lack of ability with enthusiasm, and even then, its sometimes just not enough.

The Colours of Gold

Green, Black, White,
The Colours Of Gold

This year's slogan, printed proudly on banners that greeted visitors to RI's Openhouse yesterday. I had some free time after Jack's CIP, and it was on the way back, so I dropped by for a looksee, not in the capacity as a student, but rather as an "alumnus" so to speak. It was a pretty visceral experience. Seeing a place that had been virtually a second home; that ought to have been exceedingly familiar yet simply wasn't. Things had changed round campus, true, but not by that much. I had changed, and just didn't feel as comfortable there anymore. Memories called forth of a time - what, 6 years back? - when I first visited the premises, astounded by it all. Then the awe gradually faded till it eventually vanished and I came out 4 years later saying: RI's nothing special at all.

The rare opportunity to enter the heritage centre, nestled behind the amphitheatre (at least I think that's what it's called) presented itself, and changed all that. I think Mr Mac, LLC and other such august personalities can go about talking about our institution's "tradition of excellence" and so on, but it all sounds contrived, shameless propaganda till you actually get to "see" it for yourself. Walking through the centre, seeing the artefacts on display, the weight of history starts to sink in. Crackly documents kept painstakingly in good condition, previous projects done by seniors of batches long gone, and the trophies. You can't help but feel a certain sense of pride at belonging to a school that has history. I mean, how many other schools have trophies that are actually old enough to have corroded till the engravings are practically indecipherable?!

The relentless turning of the clock as modernization does it's work may mean that RI is no longer as distinguished from it's peers - and that's a good thing for Singapore, I'd like to add - and the ubiquitousness of high achievers may mean that our generation may not have as much to contribute to the school's grandeur as compared to our predecessors, but knowing the weight of that history, feeling it upon our shoulders, is something that I think every student who passes through the school should experience intimately. With that as a guidepost, I honestly think that whatever we do, we won't go too far wrong.

Weiqi farewell yesterday as well. I'm nowhere near as close to my weiqi ccamates as compared to some shooters so the feeling wasn't that intense. A little empty, to be honest. I think what I've taken away are more the lessons I've learnt as a Weiqi player. I'm an amateur, true, and you won't be seeing me analysing any real games anytime soon, but I believe I've played enough, at least, to have internalized some stuff.

The most important one's to never stop fighting, even if the effort required seems to far outrival the potential gains. Small battles/skirmishes may not seem like much individually, but they just might end up winning you the war. Out of the few games that I've completed, there've already been a couple which were really close; only a difference of one seed even. Once you've seen that things can be so close, the realization sinks in that you can't afford not to fight it out. No obvious opportunity to fight? Screw it, just create one yourself! Skill and strategy are undeniably important, but tenacity weighs in pre-tty heavily as well, especially when you aren't too advantaged in the first two areas. It's helped to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat many times already. And if despite all your efforts, you're still unable to win, then just graciously admit defeat. It's the hard-fought fight that really lets you learn and grow, be it victory or defeat, rather than an easy win.

After saying all that, I don't really feel like giving up, despite my lack of success up despite all my efforts. Or maybe I should say that I couldn't give it up even if I wanted to? Hmmm

Volunteered at Jack's Y-Environment event today. Now I know what it's like to be a door-to-door salesman, but in this case; FOR THE ENVIRONMENT *cue dramatic overtones* The Hougang residents seemed pretty familiar with recycling etiquette already, which made our job much earlier. I can't for the life of me imagine describing recycling to someone to whom the concept is foreign IN CHINESE xD

Yesterday was a good day (other than the consecutive tests I mean) So was today.

One thing that troubles me during PM PE when the whole class plays together is that I'm never really sure whether I'm being too rough, whether it's too much like bullying the girls (hope I don't come off as being sexist..) etc. Personally, I think I go too far at times, out of a desire to play all out but not doing so leaves a certain feeling of dissatisfaction. Well, seems like most of us had fun so I may be overthinking things, I hope.

I think I've said this before but anyway, I really admire/look up to/envy/respect and am generally in awe of those who have talents in the arts. Perhaps it's just my general lack thereof in that area but I also find the ability to take something mundane, and with one's hands and effort, transform it into something unique, extraordinary really really impressive. Yup I got an attempt at pottery-making (no idea what I'm supposed to call it) at the Terra Incognita exhibition today and all I can say is: It's not as easy as it looks. Shape, pinch, push, pull...yeah shan't say anymore and further parade my ignorance. Trying it myself made me appreciate the pieces they had on display even more xD

The Chinese Drama production was really good! I didn't catch some of the jokes but that was due to my lack of proficiency. The setting of their main drama was a little contrived, and it was choke full of the usual cliches but it was thought-provoking nonetheless and the execution was nothing short of superb. Instead of leaving behind regrets and problems after one leaves this revolving ball of dirt (iron, and other assorted minerals nonwithstanding) why not try (and try hard) to minimize them? Abit duh but we'll see what I can do bout it.

Seems like controlling myself isn't proving to be a very effective strategy; it means some people just won't know I'm pissed till the day I snap and murder someone, or do something else socially unacceptable. Good thing I've been able to more or less keep it in till now.

Well, gotta study for Math now. Bye.

Justice

I don't believe in "justice". The idea that "right" will be rewarded, "wrong" punished, and the black-and-white world that it paints.

We were born, pristine at birth, to be tainted by this world, to do wrong. We can literally, do nothing that's completely, 100% right! I find it hard to believe, and find the idea ludicrous even, that there's some entity out there, armed with a "Yes/No" console, with the threshold set at some arbitrarily predetermined degree of "wrongness" so to speak. So, you cross the value? *Beep* rewarded. Fail to meet it? *Beep* punishment. And that's when you set aside their respective magnitudes as well.

That aside, I'm pretty sure that there is an insurmountable wealth of empirical evidence from our daily lives to show that "justice" does not always prevail. The exploitation of the weak by the strong continues, with vast profits being reaped, and countless selfless individuals die each day, unrecognized, unremembered. If "justice" did exist, why is this the case? Shouldn't its absolute, irresistible nature necessarily prevent such occurrences?

I humbly put forward that "justice" as we typically think of it, is an artifice of purely human origin. Nature, or the universe, in fact, doesn't care - and I use the word loosely - about what's "just" or not, it simply functions following those few basic laws. It is the innate need of us humans to prescribe value to things and objects, to facilitate evaluation and comparison, and in certain cases, conferring upon us a moral "highground" of sorts which gave rise to the concept in the first place. In this context, the usage of manmade apparatus to enforce this human-conceived concept may seem laughable, much like how children might use arbitrary punishments to enforce those arbitrary rules in their arbitrary little games.

Well, that got away from me for awhile. Still following? Good.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as we go about our lives, the preoccupation shouldn't be with trying to do the "right" thing out of a desire to attain rewards, or to shy away from doing wrong for fear of the repercussions. In the absence of any such consequences for one's actions, what then should be the guiding light for such actions? I know that I've arrived at an outcome that many would probably find cliched, but honestly - and let's all be honest here - how many of us can say that they've never been directed by either the carrot or the stick, or, to be more specific, let's say perceived carrot or stick? I'm guessing that number approaches 0.

How is this important? Well, what I've noticed is that so many of us, in the process of attempting to do the "right" thing in the course of daily life, have to put up with certain degrees of inconvenience, loss, and/or personal sacrifice. It's a pretty noble thing, no denying it. I just thought it'd be good to clarify what we're doing it for.

Hope it helps.

On more mundane matters, Badminton match support that occurred today was really exhilarating. It's not so often that you get to see your schoolmates compete, especially in a finals, and I could really feel the support that the spectators who turned up had for our players. It kinda made me wish that shooting was a more spectator-friendly sport, as I'd appreciate the chance for my peers to learn a little more about my sport, possibly get more interested in it, as I undeniably was as I saw the entrancing plays by the team.

Cheered so much that my voice has gone a little hoarse, and I actually managed to clap so much, so hard that towards the end, I could barely bring myself to clap cause of the pain on the back of my hands. I'm retarded that way =)

Mr Ngan, you GMH in some strange way. Shan't over-elaborate here, heh.

I've got lots to say but don't quite have the words to say them. But what are words, when you get down to it? That's what I've been asking myself this past weekend ><

Suggestions are welcome :)

As I clasp that small hand within mine, I just know that there's more to life than test after test, a rabid mugging frenzy. And yet I rage at my helplessness to pursue that which I know to be there.

If you can't beat the system, then no choice but to be a slave to it. Well, at least I'm aware of it, which is more than I can say for some people.

Sigh...just spent a little more than an hour helping my sister do some editing for her stupid project and she just went to sleep without even saying a word of thanks. I'm justifiably pissed, methinks.

Uni admission considerations are giving me alot to thnk about. But better to think about it and have an idea now, IMO than rush through, focusing entirely on the A's then come out thinking: Now what???

That said, I've got to get myself out of this "holiday mood", there's no time to spare; I'm in big 5h!+, especially for GP.

Brrrainns

It's amazing how good I feel with a couple of hours of sleep under my belt =)

I realize that at times, I inadvertently (and please do trust me when I say that this is so)  say something unintentionally hurtful and/or insensitive, which well, hurts the people I care about. I do make an effort to watch my words, but if something slips out that really displeases you, please tell me, and I'll be more watchful in the future.

Just some thoughts on the issue of irreplaceable or not. I mean; objectively speaking, of course no one is irreplaceable, we'd be pretty screwed if there was such an individual, wouldn't we? Short of exhuming his corpse and reanimating it; we'd be pretty much helpless upon his death.

Test Subject #07511 They're still perfecting the technique...

So really, I don't think the issue should be whether someone's replaceable or not, since that's a moot point. What we (assuming we had any influence to change things, I mean) should be thinking is about is exactly how hard that person will be to replace. Obviously the PAP will be able to find someone to replace Mr Yeo, they have no lack of potential, with their focus on gathering "the future 4th generation leaders on Singapore", and that's setting aside the Second Minister for Foreign Affairs as well. But those potential 4th Gen leaders will need some grooming, some time to get up to speed, not to mention that they have huge shoes to fill. This will take time.

Haha but whatever, the deed is done, and from his defeat, apparently we've learnt that no politician is indispensable (A fallacious conclusion, in my opinion, which I'll talk more about later) and I wish him all the best in his future endeavors, and hope that his successor will be able to perform his role adequately. We'll still have him until latest 6 Nov though, so that's not too bad.

"Mr Yeo's defeat showed that no politician is indispensable" Kinda sounds like a hasty hypothesis doesn't it? Yes, Mr Yeo has played/plays a significant role in Singapore's politics, but - and I mean no disrespect by saying so - he was by no means the most important. I've previously toyed with the notion of a Singapore after MM Lee kicks the proverbial bucket and to be honest, I can't envision much of a future for us at all. This seems a timely junction to state that I'm thankful that he's doing his best to keep fit, I really admire his strength of will to keep going strong even at his age.  Yes, Singapore is showing signs of moving on; no longer are we the country dominated and driven (forwards, admittedly) by the man and his ideas, and his hardline comments during the elections raised more than a few eyebrows. But there is no denying the level of respect that he commands locally, even by the younger generation, as well as on the global level. And this has transferred in some way or another to the regard they have for Singapore. Yup so perhaps I'm not imaginative enough, but I can't even dream of Singapore without him. Let's hope he keeps in good health.

If not, there's always brain transplantation ;) Hey, maybe that's why we're bringing in such young, able-bodied politicians who are arguably not really ready to be ministers yet into parliament. Read: TPL. Barring that, we could use the following setup I guess:

It's Science!

I'd leave the brain in the vat theory for another time..Now time for GP. My priorities are sooo awesomely arranged.

 

 

 

 

Brrrainns

Yes. I want your brains. So hand them over. Other parts optional :)

Interesting article on Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/article_19177_5-shocking-ways-you-overestimate-yourself.html
Nothing really new, I'm sure we've all thought about it at some point or another, but I found it pretty cool how they have evidence from experiments to back it up ;)

Haha but I wonder, does this mean my already abysmal self-image should be lowered even further?
Just kidding XP

A lack of Brevity

Note to self: It'd be pretty ironic if I were to ever be involved in a Public Service Announcement about self-medication

Been feeling sick the whole weekend, I've been sleeping much of the day and have the bed hair to prove it. Productivity's minimal as I can't concentrate through this cloudiness in my head.

Poor me. Now that I'm done with the self-pity, let's move on to less trivial issues, shall we?

The early hours of 8th May 2011, a wide-awake nation listened with bated breathe as the ever-so-implacable Returning Officer read out in his deadening monotone the results for the final constituency. It was a close fight, a difference of little more than a hundred votes. And it marked the end of the most hotly contested General Elections in recent Singapore history.

Dubbed a watershed election, the results did not fail to disappoint, as the opposition finally managed to wrest control of a GRC away from the ruling party. The swing of votes towards the opposition, in response to the sympathetic, honeyed voices of their candidates seem to echo the nation's desire for a change in Singapore's political scene, and have given the party in power much to reflect upon.

A new era is upon us, or so it would seem. The obvious ramifications of this on the future of our nation aside, what really excites me is the hitherto unseen levels of citizen participation and involvement during these elections. Online discussion was rife, perhaps in part due to the influx of young voters, who made up one fifth the electorate. The rally turnouts have been nothing short of impressive, and as you stand there on the field, listening to the roar of the crowd, and occasionally overhearing the comments of individuals, you just know that no longer can we Singaporeans be said to be a bunch of politically apathetic folks. (Well at least now all us GP students have one more point to use in those essays)On a personal level, those canteen discussions we've been having the past few weeks have been really exciting, and I've never been so motivated to read the papers in my whole life, eager to keep up to date with the latest happenings. At home, the debate was furious, as some of the staunch PAP supporters amongst us suddenly found ourselves having to deal with an opposition advocate in our midst.

Much has been said about the crediility of this year's candidates, quite possibly epitomized by the WP's 'A' team which succesfully snatched Aljunied GRC by a sizeable margin, ousting Foreign Minister George Yeo from Parliament. The GRC system is an uniquely odd one, satirized most aptly, perhaps by a post on MM Lee's (presumably false) Twitter feed: "There should be one GRC with 87 seats." A system with the supposed intention of encouraging campaigning on multiracial platforms but also one which everyone knows was meant to ensure the continuity of PAP rule. But this time round, it has cost the PAP dearly. To be populist about it, was getting the likes of one Ms Tin Pei Ling into Parliament worth the sacrifice of a highly competent Minister who has served both loyally and well for so long?

I earnestly hope that this is a question the PAP ponders upon when the time comes for the next round of elections in 5 years time, rather than accusing the opposition of giving residents an emotional dilemma by fielding all their most competent candidates in the same GRC. Furthermore, victory margins are narrowing, I'm pretty sure the PAP doesn't want to lose more of its capable Ministers; which regardless how you slice it, IS a significant loss to our country.

All things said and done, life goes on. Our newly triumphant opposition MPs will have to prove that they can not only talk the talk, but also walk the walk as we embark upon a new chapter in Singapore politics, lest MM Lee's prophetic sounding Doomsday condemnation on the residents of Aljunied GRC were to really come true X) I dread to think what that particular outcome might herald for opposition politics in the future.

We shall see. And by then, I'll be of voting age, and will judge their success (or failure) for myself ;)

Btw, the "challenge shield" we made for the new exco turned out totally awesome! (Thanks Sherri!) Haha it was really heartening and personally gratifying to see how much they liked it =) made all the effort seem worth it: figuring out how to get the engraving done, devising a method to cut the cans uniformly, all the time spent actually doing it, as well as the final touches that really did alot to make it look presentable.

Whee

And it be done

It's done. Elections and our passing over ceremony. Testament to how taxing it was is probably how I simply collapsed upon getting home. The deliberative process was by no means easy; it got a little confrontational at times, none of us willing to back down, staunchly standing by our "choices".

To be honest, mine wasn't totally rational. I may have attributed more credit than is due, investing more faith into certain individuals than is probably wise. However -
and this I state with all conviction - I do believe, if not in their capability then at least that their hearts are in the right place (not to flog a dead horse, but naturally that'd be canted to the left)and that they'll give the club their all. I have little reservation in handing the club over to them. Which is all one can ask for, ain't it?

How things turn out for the next year is now up to them.

Aside, a dream I just had is really telling for me; that while I keep telling myself that I've gotten over it and moved on, my subconscious, at least, doesn't agree. It just can't let go, and I don't know what I should do about it. Perhaps I should try to get it resolved properly? But that doesn't seem like a very smart move atm. Dilemma...

To march forwards, without regrets, without doubt is something I really want to do. Why then, can't I prevent my head from turning back?

Ah, I forgot.

People who are all smiles freaking scare me, cause you really never know what lies beneath the mask, judging, calculating. That's the major takeaway I had from the Amoeba interviews. I don't think I did badly at all, but it was impossible to gauge how well my interviewer took to my comments, due to aforesaid unnerving smile. I don't expect to get in, but I think the experience in how best to appear "open" and forthrigth with strangers should hold me in good stead for future interviews :D

Most retarded response I gave (note that it was an interview for EDB):
Q: What specific courses do you intend to pursue, and in what university?
A: Hmmm, well I'm honestly rather interested in Bio so I'd like to do something in that field, possibly BioMed, and I'm currently considering some unis in the UK. (I wasn't quite foolish enough to say I wanted to take Med of course...)
Q: Why not US? I hear there are some really good unis for those courses over there.
A: Well...I don't really like Americans, they're too rowdy for me.
Q: *laughs*
...

Feeling pedantic of late. Guess it's part of the whole passing out process from shooting. Kinda feels like we've already got one foot out so to speak. Speaking to Sherri about it, I realized that I haven't really sorted it out myself; my feelings wrt to it, as well as many other loose threads that I've yet to tie up satisfactorily.

Anyway, we had our exco interviews today, and I guess I kind of unleashed my hitherto untapped (though I know some would think otherwise!) potential for mean-ness upon my poor J1s. Not without good reason, I'd like to think. Electing the next batch of leaders is no laughing matter; in spite of, or perhaps precisely because we as an exco have left much to be desired. Now, I don't know how fair it is to pin our hopes upon our juniors but I think it's pretty much an unavoidable fact of life. So yeah, I asked quite a number of tough questions, wanting to see the kind of responses we'd get and well, the quality of responses varied, I guess. Very personally, when I interview someone, I don't want to hear a bunch of PC bs all the time. I want honest responses, which I can make judgement about.

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness"

In the midst of doing my econs class test is probably not the best time to be doing such nonsense but yeah, too often I find myself complaining without getting off my arse and doing something about it. Not that I see the need to stop complaining or criticizing, though. I'm not going to let it be a reason to quash all sensible opposition.

So it ends

So. The past week has been an intense one for me, and I'm really sorry for not keeping my promise of updating on Tuesday, but I've been so tired after getting home each day, too wiped out to come up with something coherent.

So yeah, where was I? Intense and highly emotional. Ok. So I didn't perform as well as I'd wanted for my own competition. The correct feeling only came out towards the end, and by then, it was too late. I'm not too bothered by the score, TBH. It's just the fact that I trained hard; I really did. Just like I've been doing the whole time. Kinda makes you question if the sport is intentionally rejecting all your efforts, spurning you. And it makes the decision of whether to continue investing more heart and effort would really be worth it or not.

But I digress. Even more than the above, is the realization; sinking in, that it's pretty much over. Yes, I can say that I'll pick it up later when I have the time; and I'm even entertaining the notion of continuing on myself, despite the many barriers and prohibitively high costs I'd face going at it independently. BUT. The times I've had in RISC are over. I term it as such cause for the lack of a more elegant phrase with which to use. There's nothing which could encompass the entire experience; the feelings I have for Yishun the place, the memories that swell upwards as I walk down that path that I must have trodden down hundreds, if not almost a thousand times; alone, at times, and occasionally with a friend or two. The time spent hanging out before AND after training, inane conversations held over lunch/dinner, all things that have been etched indelibly, in one way or another, onto my heart and soul (assuming I do have one, of course) And that's leaving out the immensely personal experiences I've had with shooting, which I shall not go into great detail about right now.
[Yes, I know my sentence structure leaves much to be desired]

Some might say that I'm being foolish, or merely stating the obvious, even. Experiences pass, stages in life pass, life goes on. Screw them. The depth of emotion, the ties, are there, and it's not something I can move on from so easily. Those bittersweet times are an integral part of me, and as I move on, I feel a little empty inside, as if a gap opened up that won't easily be filled.

This mood has made me a little testy, and quite reactionary of late. My thoughtless response to a friend's comment that got on my nerves a little resulted in an unpleasant outcome, which I utterly regret. So I'm trying to sort things out internally, come to grips with the new situation and make the appropriate adjustments. I think I'll succeed, eventually, but please pardon me if in the interim, I lapse into occasional bouts of moodiness..

That aside, I had a really great Good Friday with Angela, Mervyn and Jack. We basically lepaked at Angela's house, which is in this huge, sprawling condo estate that has its own restaurant, kindergarten and whatnot. Quite impressive. We then went cycling at ECP, where the public holiday crowd was so bad that some places were even out of bikes D:

Abrupt ending here.

Just some final thoughts, I'm a little sleepy afterall. It only really struck me as I made my way to Safra today that tomorrow is IT. Not merely the nationals, but the punctuation to these 6 years with shooting. It's a stunning realization. I mean, I've gone about my training, vaguely knowing that the day would come eventually. But now it's TOMORROW. I've been around for practically forever; longer than most of the Safra staff, and one of my juniors found me to be "ancient". So, I don't really know how it'll affect me =/

I'd like to say more, there's so much feeling I need to express, but my mind feels numb now, and I'm lost for words. I'll make up for it tomorrow, I swear.

4 days left, and as the Nats draw closer, I can't really avoid the question any longer: How much do I really care?

It's something that I really can't say for sure, you know.. On one hand, we've known from the start that our chances are next to nothing; 钱教练 even advices us to go on with the mindset that we've got nothing to lose, that anything we manage to gain will only be a bonus. And I know that be true. However, this treacherous part of me, the hopelessly naive optimist is somehow hoping, expecting even, for a miracle to occur. I don't want this, but I can't really stop myself. Guess I'll have to spend some time working on it, I really really don't want to let it affect my performance on Tuesday.

"If it can be proven, it's not faith."
-Source unknown (at least to me. I'm not good at this quote business afterall)

Its context was with regards to religion, but I really think it applies to other aspects of life as well. How often is it that you find yourself reaching out (metaphorically speaking) through efforts and actions without knowing whether what you're reaching for really does exist, or assuming it does, whether you'll ever obtain it? And if you're unsuccessful, that tendril of effort might well wither away, wasted.

"Have faith!" They say. But sometimes it's not easy at all.

96 (Y) Best series ever since my 95 ages ago >< Joy.

Free cone day at B&J's. Rushed down straight after school with Amos, leaving the rest behind. It didn't take that much to realize that opp. costs involved call for immediate action. Talked lots of crap, the ice cream was good too.

So many things happened the past 2 days that it's like my body practically screamed: THAT'S ENOUGH! and made me crash for the entire day. I've been unconscious much of the day, with the transient periods of lucidity spent poring over this GO book I borrowed yesterday and eating ><

PW results released on Friday, the tension just before, being told that our batch really screwed up, all the horror stories, Mr Koh's words, Amos' silent yet vigorous celebration, Tian Yuan taking so long to look as she couldn't believe her eyes, walking up, heart skipping a beat as Miss Heng made some comment which I don't really remember now, and finally, relief mixed with disbelief as my eyes focused on that 'A' on the paper.

Clarissa, Woon Ki and Valerie got their As as well. I think the whole class did, so we got our "Happy ending" I guess. Realized how wrong I was today. I am regretful.

And there are those who didn't. Friends whose results didn't mix expectations. It's hard, nearly impossible to feel happy once you know that fact; knowing as well that there's nothing you can say, or do, to make anything better. Or maybe there is, and I haven't tried hard enough. But really, I don't know.

Got trashed during Weiqi later on. This year's J1s are just way too strong and experienced. Sometimes the only way to see how a sequence will play out is to have played it out before, so you know how things are supposed to go. Feels like fighting a mountain sometimes. No matter how you chip at it, you'll never win.
I need to get me some dynamite.

CDL E-Generation Challenge held yesterday. It's quite cool that it's one of the few (or perhaps the first) events that we had more homogeneous participation from our class in. The thing itself was pretty fun, except for some truly random questions. Some cool spots we went to which I haven't been to before include HortPark (which I really should have known about earlier considering that we were thinking of doing something related to Community Gardening for PW) and Henderson Waves. We didn't win anything, though.

Lunch afterwards, with a lot of what Joo Gian aptly termed "inane chatter" before we finally decided on going to karaoke, which is quickly becoming a staple of our class outings. We seem to be quite unimaginative people at times; though I'd have to agree that it's pretty hard to find something that both the guys and the girls are willing to do.

Cracks me up

It's official, Cracked.com is actually making me into a worse person.

It's a video about a bunch of man-kid-things who're probably a good deal older than myself but are most likely the products of a substantially more liberal than ours. These folks have a dream. A naive one, true, but an admirable dream nonetheless. They want to go around the country, building forts with people, fostering openness, communication, and so on. It actually sounds like a pretty amazing project. Click here if you want to find out more (It's been canceled, sadly) Now people with a more finely-tuned bullshit sensor than myself might start commenting, or even criticizing the feasibility of the project; the temerity of demanding $25,000 in donations of other people's money for what may amount to be no more than a glorified road trip. I leave such questions to those people.

Instead, what bothers me, is that as I watched that video (it's a parody of the original, if you haven't already realized) is that none of the above mattered to me at all. I ended up replaying from the 0.45s mark no less than 5x as some perverse force took hold of me. Sigh.

I could launch straight into a tirade about how pissed off the bio answer scheme makes me; how the sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to budge even a nanometer from its narrow confines makes me feel like I'm stuck within a cage; squashed and constricted. Unfulfilled.

...Guess I just did, at least for awhile, anyway. But since I freaking know the rationale, the reasons (which while pissing off, are really valid) I don't really have the right to indignation anymore, now do I? So I shall set a resolve instead; to work the best I can within these limits, to thrive. I only hope that at the end of the year, my brain isn't so used to the confines that it can take flight no longer. Atrophied.

The main lesson I've learned, the past few weeks; is that the A's aren't about not thinking at all; nothing as simple as that. Instead, they're about putting yourself, metaphorically speaking, in the shoes of those markers thousands of kilometers away, and giving them exactly what they want. Therein lies the key to victory. In that case, don't you find it just a little terrifying that we're counting entirely on our tutors to give us some kind of indication as to what those desires are? All in pursuit of that ever so elusive 'A'

I'd better start taking some courses in long-distance mind reading. Or maybe go a step further and hire some of those Inception folks to put MY answers into those examiners' heads. Now doesn't that sound like an enticing prospect.

Willpower, some guts, and a healthy dose of fear thrown into the mix for good measure can have very potent results. Potent enough that a regular NAPFA re-tester such as yours truly managed to scrape a silver anyway; in no small part due to Mr Seah's efforts, I suspect. I'm kinda proud of the 2.4 performance. Felt like dying somewhere around the 3rd/4th lap but I managed to push myself to not give up, and was even able to summon the energy for a mad dash for the last round; which really, was the only reason I managed to get a D, with merely 2 seconds to spare, no less... And that very tight timing really makes one realize how every single part of the process matters; is crucial, in fact. If I had slowed down just a little bit, even for 10 metres, I'd never have made it.

Haha, but the sprint at the end really affected me, I think. I drank a lot of water after that; and couldn't really stomach anything. Almost puked on the canteen table, but managed to hold it in till I got to the toilet and it ALL came out. I guess I know what it feels like to be a certain laser-firing chimera now - that's the Merlion for you uninitiated folks - ,just gushing water X.X

The following fatigue plagued me for the rest of the day like one of those street salesmen that just sense the weakness in you and keep at you until you eventually, tiredly, give in and buy that random knick-knack which you don't really need at all...but I digress. Couldn't really focus that much on shooting, the feeling wasn't really there, and I messed up quite a bit. Haix.

That's enough narration. There's been cause, and pretty much a lot of capacity for my thoughts to wander around, in and out, up and down. It's a pretty idle process, as my mind basically analyzes and catalogs all sorts of things; filing useful and not-so-useful tidbits in haphazard manner. Bleh.

Chop chop

New experience today: chopping open coconuts myself, coconuts which we'd cut down from the tree in the backyard the day before. Pretty cool, don'cha think?

It was quite terrifying at first since the chopper was sharp (duh) and there was always the risk of chopping off a few appendages unintentionally. It ended up being really fun though. I really don't want to have to chop open the remaining 30 odd ><

That's about it for my horrifically unproductive weekend. I didn't manage to gr town to any of the work I'd decided to do. Oh wells.

Escape

Haha, release today, not with a "pshh" sound but rather to the flash of muzzle fire, headless corpses falling - not headfirst, of course - to the ground and Amos gleefully grinding into unresisting zombie flesh. All to a 4 hour soundtrack of carnage and destruction. Pent up frustration, pissed-offness and whatnot diffused, or at least forgotten and left behind during that period, as we just kept running, and killing, running and killing. And in the end, make an escape; if only momentarily.

But real life's not like that. We all know that. As the saying goes, 躲得了一时，躲不了一世, or something like that. Can't keep running, eventually we'll have to take a stand. Escapism from reality in momentary flights of fancy is perfectly fine; enjoyable even. I can't deny that I had ALOT of fun yesterday, that it relieved me of pressure. But at the same time, I know that I'll have to knuckle down and start doing something about the actual CAUSE of the pressure in the first place.

Which I plan to do with alacrity. So there.

Bravery

Shamelessly koped from my coach:

谈射击的勇气：勇气是建立自信的前提，而自信又是发挥技能的

主要条件。如果选择了勇气，血液就会沸腾，浑身充满力量，呼

吸深稳，思路清晰，随即挺起腰身，昂起自信的头颅，自信的眼

神，大胆迎战一切的困难。如此的坚定，逆境又怎能不被你征

服？如果谢绝勇气，放弃的思维就会强大，血液则会凝固，肌肉

开始僵硬，畏缩着拳脚，低垂着脑门，唯有期待着幸运光临，殊

不知幸运往往是强者的宠儿。话到此，是选择勇气还是选择放

弃，聪明的人，当然知道自己该选择什么？

Sorry for the font > < Hope you understand the Chinese :P

After some time to think, I'm moving forward, of course. It was a pretty drastic way to dispel the ennui though. 

Reflect

Like a wounded beast seeking refuge in its cave.

Disappointment, despair. A wake up call, I guess.

It's not as simple as flicking a switch. Things won't change so easily; merely because you say you will.
Even knowing that, let me go out on a limb and say this: I swear I will. I'll put in the time and effort, I won't give up. I'll do it as long as it takes to get it right, and then somemore. Cause I really don't want to think about the consequences if I don't.

There's no need to say more. Hopefully this topic won't have to recur.

Aside, I read this interesting article about voluntourism today. Go take a look.

Hope after a period of utter crap? Only time will tell. I'll do my best with my doppelgänger.

Didn't realize how emo I sounded previously until I re-read the post. Well, things're better now, I'm just going to take it slow and work from there.

The CTs forecast doesn't look so optimistic I'm afraid

I'm disappointed. In myself. It's not about the score anymore, cause it's really gotten to the point where there isn't much of a performance to look forward to in the Nats any longer. I don't really care about the medal that I won't get. And I know that I haven't trained for a week. But never did I expect my condition to be so horrible, to not be able to get it right at all. And after that, allowing myself to be so distracted by it that I couldn't even pull myself together to salvage the rest of it. I'm only glad that it wasn't the real thing; I don't think I could stand a repeat of last year's events.

Maybe another way to look at it would be to try to work on the weaknesses that surfaced today; and I've duly noted them, mentally, at least. But it's a daunting task that awaits, made even more so by the pressing lack of time. So much to do, and I don't know whether my spirit's up to the task. I'll have to tap upon more reserves in the coming 3 weeks. And to be honest, for the first time, I'm really unsure about whether my heart's in this.

I've got to get myself sorted out before this goes any further!

Heh, the initiative I'd decided to start today while in the shower kind of panned-out after some time spent aimlessly spent on the comp, seems like the resolve was just sapped away. I'll do it tomorrow!

Psychometric test for the PSC thing. The mathematical and logical portions were fine I guess, but it was quite interesting to see how they crafted the contexts and various situations in order to analyze our judgment. Kinda gives an insight into the real world for an admittedly naive person like me. I'm not sure whether I handled it well enough though.

The personality portion on the other hand...I don't really know lah, some of the questions seem to be merely about the human condition, or more specifically, being a student. I mean, after 12 years of formal schooling, which you would not have suffered soul-crushing depression, or ever been so stressed that they felt like giving up. "Felt" being the operative here, by the way. There doesn't seem to be much leeway for a guy who appreciates such minor technicalities. And I realize that on certain aspects, I'm not completely firm as of yet. I think that that's perfectly natural, by the way. One needs time to explore perhaps previously hidden facets of one's personality after all. But I obviously see the allure of someone with clear goals, morals, strong foundations upon which everything is grounded. Very attractive, but not me, at least; not now.

I find myself struggling, really. To keep to the principles which I deem to be my own. And not always simply because it's what I think is right, but because I have to hold on to something. I disgust myself at times. But my hope is that by forcing myself to, even when it harms me to do so, may ingrain them into me, and give me something that is truly mine. So no, when I act, it's not always spontaneous, not always from the goodness of my heart. I just hope you don't think too badly of me for it.

Crossroads

I don't know how to put this into words, exactly, but I'll give it a shot.

It's pretty much like what Kevin was telling me last year, really. As the year progresses - CTs, trainings, relationships, uni talks, other miscellaneous stuff - I get the feeling that the decisions, the choices that are accumulated keep on gaining weight, and this whole mass of possibility is inexorably pushing me down life's path. "Now, how's this any different from any other time?" You may ask, and well, to me it's simply the weight that each decision has. In the past, it was perfectly fine to do whatever I wanted for fun, being whimsical was perfectly acceptable. Heck, there might have been consequences, but nothing I couldn't recover from. But now, that's totally different; for reasons I shouldn't even have to elaborate upon.

It's quite scary, really. And I notice that the fear to bear the burden and responsibility sometimes engenders a certain cavalier attitude and bravado towards life. I've seen it in myself at times. It's far from my place to pass judgment on the behaviour of others, but at least for myself, I have to start treating things much more seriously.
It's time to grow up, much as the child in me wishes not to do so.

Well...yeah. As I type into the night, the CTs ended just yesterday, on a pretty positive note for me, at least. While I still haven't managed to realize that elusive ideal of actually completing a paper for once, Bio was the first paper that I felt satisfied doing, and pretty much the only one which I could walk away from; barest hints of a smile plastered upon my face (and no, it had nothing to do with it being the last paper). Chemistry on the day before was an utter disaster, which I fully intend to remedy in the time to come.

I'm feeling the slightest tinge of guilt for missing trainings this whole week, thrice due to mugging for the CTs, and once as we went out to celebrate its completion. Really enjoyable =)

Screwed, and not in the good way :P

Econs mugging was messed up, I'd set aside 1 day for it, which actually proved to be an okay period of time, but I spent so much time in between being distracted and all, and ended up only finishing at 4am. I fail, seriously. And that's after missing out on the family outing where they apparently went to have Jap food, ice cream and so on...

During the test, I kinda realised that all that last-min cramming was pointless anyway, not like everything came out, and it's not like I could write everything down fast enough anyway. I don't think I did too badly though, hoping for a pass at the very least.

As a delightful after effect of this morning's mugging, I'm feeling pretty sick now. I'd intended to stay back in school, revise a little math then move on to chem but I went home at 5 since my nose was dripping way too much. Chem will have to wait till tomorrow.

Now imagine this snow globe, if you will. It's got all the regular fixtures, perhaps a reindeer-drawn sleigh, a little cottage, and this snowman standing outside the door waving at you. 
Now shake it.
The snow rises. A flurry, shifting whiteness, you can't really see what's inside anymore. Not distinctly at least. Nothing's clear. It takes a while to settle, but when it does...nothing's quite the same anymore.
And in the swirling whiteness, all the snowman can do is keep waving, and hope that he lands right-side up, that everything he has doesn't simply disappear, into the white. 

Yes. I have a magical snow globe.

A rueful feeling

Exhausted. 547 for rifle, 514 for pistol. Not that the scores mean anything, if at all. First time seriously shooting rifle in 3 months, and it just made me realize how much more I like it than pistol. It's a lot more fun, a lot less frustrating, more enjoyable as a whole. I would talk more about the process if I weren't so sian, so there. I'm pretty amazed how fast I picked everything back up though, it's just the small things which I couldn't compensate for.

Pistol was quite fail since my arm didn't have much strength left, couldn't allow the gun to drop properly + I was pretty mentally drained from rifle. No excuses though. I'll have to do better during training. I'm quite ashamed that I was quite overwhelmed by dark thoughts at the end. "Hard work is overrated"...I'm going to do so much worse than with rifle and that's after 3 months of hardcoring the former and totally dropping the latter...Coach doesn't care about me...I'm just being forced into this @!#! that I have absolutely no aptitude for...and so on. It's a wonder I managed to finish properly.

And that's the difference between rifle and pistol for me. Rifle is a fulfilling process of self-discovery where you come out a little more mature than when you went in, a better person for having done it. But pistol... ...oh pistol is wading through a swamp. The viscous fluid impedes progress, and really, there's not much progress to speak of. No markers to indicate where you're going, how far you've traveled. Could be eternally going around in circles for all I know. And there's not much room for growth, or to be more precise, recognizing growth. And the worse thing is: Just when you think you've finally gotten out; or at least have 1 foot out of the mire, it finds a way to suck you back in again. You have my word on that.

Yeah. I have a love/hate relationship with shooting X_x

Randomly, I realize that I have cast aside all pretence at having a life. Case in point: My mother freaking offered to get me an Iphone 4, shiny data plan and all, and I flat out rejected her. Thinking about oh-so-mundane concerns such as: "I don't really need an Iphone" , "I'll be going into NS next year, so no need for such an expensive plan". I am such a genius (Y).

Just a few paragraphs worth of venting/whining. Off to shower and do some math > <

So I guess what it boils down to (or perhaps I just thought it up on the spot) is what makes things & even people special and/or unique in the first place. What makes you come here? The ideas? Nothing special; I'm sure. The presentation? I doubt it. The person? Flattering, but no. I honestly have no idea, and that scares me.

Is there something immutable yet indescribable, hinted at but unseen? I'd appreciate it if someone could tell me.

I'm shooting in a comp tomorrow. I'll probably be miserable after it, based on how training went today, but that's something I'll leave till then. Rifle will be fun I guess. I admit that I'm secretly hoping to 一鸣惊人 with my rifle results tomorrow but that's just me being foolish. I just want to go through it without heartbreak. Not being too fatigued to take on pistol would be an added bonus; especially given the shitty condition my arm's been in lately. The muscles are all messed up, out of synch and I think my triggering has taken a turn for the worse. Not too optimistic bout my performance...

I randomly started thinking about thinking, and how everyone does it. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous when I put it like that, but at least for myself, it's very easy to get caught up in one's own arrogance and self-righteousness, and forget that the thoughts that occur within this little fishbowl that's my head aren't really all that unique. That they're shared by so many others, that others aren't just soporific vessels, mushrooms or whatever. Something's going on behind that pair of eyes; I just don't know what. On a tangent, it's like I kinda assumed that nothing would change if I stood still. And that's what "they" always say, isn't it? And that's the furthest thing possible from the truth. Not even a cog in the machine, maybe even outside it.

After all that monologue, what's the point? Nothing at all =) Thanks for your time.

I dislike Dao-ists =S [and that's just because "hate" is a word I could never apply to Jack]

Ended up going swimming with my bro on Sat instead of going down to NUS, mostly due to a total lack of response from anyone I contacted. It was fun, though. Especially when you lie just beneath the water surface and look up at the sky... I'm starting to sound like a deprived kid, so I'll just leave it at that. I'm quite pathetic though, couldn't swim more than 1 lap without having to stop to catch my breathe. A far cry from passing the swimming test last time. Playing in the jacuzzi and letting the bubbles inflate my trunks was mad fun as well!

Today was pretty productive, but I've got to do a lot more if I want to be ready in a week.

PM PE  wasn't particularly tiring, albeit a little impossible but it left me with difficulty walking, so I hobbled up to Weiqi, taking small steps, not big - that'd hurt too much - leg muscles cramping. Quite pathetic tbh. I finally managed to finish a game on the 大板 today; though I lost pretty terribly as I'm quite unused to it. It's a big step up from the smaller one, where everything is so much easier to see, and I could beat Eliz without much difficulty. It's just so much easier to feel in control.

I skipped training today (oh the horror!) due to the muscle pain; and a rapidly developing case of shooting elbow as SY calls it. I'm not dying to feel the effects of over-training anytime soon, though they should have hit me a long time ago all things considered. I don't feel that guilty though.

Somehow or other, I managed to match my P.B for pistol (set at the end of Sec 3 no less) on Thursday without really feeling that I had achieved anything. It's probably cause it's way too low, and perhaps that my 境界 has risen; as coach would put it. I now know that if I want to perform moderately well, I can't just force myself to keep on shooting when my form is bad. A break is beneficial. Well...I actually knew all of that already, but being more that a little stubborn, Thursday was the first time I actually managed to execute it moderately well. Now if only I hadn't shot that stray 5... I'll do better next training =)

Now enjoy this fascinating picture of a water flea:

Mr Ngan really can't draw to save his life. There's a certain striking likeness to what he drew on the board in class though. Perhaps it's the strange arm-like appendages xP

Lastly: CTsCTsCTsCTs crapIdon'tthinkthere'senoughtimetostudyomgno. And I'll probably be going for the NUS OpenHouse, either today or tomorrow, depending on whether I can drag some people to go down with me =X

After all the flak I've been getting in GP tutorial for random stuff, it's kind of sad how I just committed suicide in the CTs by picking my question "for fun" =/

I'd originally wanted to write this question about governments, and I had already written it down on the paper, all ready to start planning. But another question about nature just sort of demanded my attention and practically forced me to write it, so I just went along, and well...random stuff from PW just started plonking itself on the paper. I'm not 100% sure about the relevance though, so I'm just hoping for the best, I guess...

Trained right after the CT ended; practically rushed down in fact. It was marginally better, so that's good. I spent some time in school afterwards to get some math done. I'm so slow that it's not even funny anymore. There just doesn't seem to be the time to get anything done, no matter how long I stay back after school each day to play a little catch-up. Argh, I don't really feel like giving up on the CTs just yet, but things aren't looking good.

I found out today, quite by accident that some people talk about me behind my back. Somehow, at this very moment, I can't really say that I'm overly bothered by that.

I'm quite a coward > <

Anw, shot a mock competition today, and I could have done a lot better. I have to get a lot better with competition skills, like stopping once I shoot 2 8s in a row and so on. Well actually my continuing to shoot even then stems from a lack of confidence in my own ability. Shooting 8s consecutively just doesn't seem so out of place to me. Gotta raise my standards.

GP CT tmr, haven't put in the required amount of effort, but it's a little too late to do anything now, so...nights ;)

Competing next next Wednesday. Thankfully it's not the Nationals, I'm not quite prepared for that yet. It's the NTUIS, and I'll be competing in both Rifle and Pistol Divisions. I was kind of looking towards shooting rifle again, but I haven't had any time to train at all, not to mention that my rifle is now being used by Mingze so I have no weapon to use now. I'm not adverse to renting one from Safra, but I can't even imagine how much work it'll take to make all the necessary adjustments =.=

Furthermore, I'll be shooting rifle and pistol on the same day! Not to mention that I'll be shooting them in consecutive details - that's timing slots for you non-shooters - with less than an hour's break in between. Joy. I have to admit that I'm kinda looking forward to it, though. Half-hoping for a miracle to occur, and half just wanting to see how badly I'll do. I don't want to pull down Shaofei's and Daniel's scores though.

I haven't gotten any work done this weekend...too tired after the camp, and I've just burned my time sleeping and slacking. Gotta work harder!

Camp's over, had fun, though I suspect that I'd have probably enjoyed myself more if I hadn't been involved in organizing it, and all the running around to get things ready, (though Yi Ling and Rach did so much more!) which kind of creates a wee bit of distance that I'm horrible at closing.

Not-so-random philosophical discourse with Marcus, and I kinda realised how I've stopped thinking recently; got so involved in the flow of things that my brain just shut off, and everything's just been responding, responding, responding. I have no idea whether that's supposed to be good or bad though.

And I've realised once again, that I'm not a big-group person. I prefer 1-on-1 interaction, feels much more meaningful, though of course that in part is because I just can't compete. Can't grasp and make myself a part of those dynamics which seem ever so important. Hate the way person to person interaction gets subsumed by the group. It's the loser's perspective, I know. It's mine.

I need to re-work my brain's circuitry.

A level results were released on Friday. Somehow I didn't feel elated or anything about my A in Chinese. Just numb. Of course I'm glad I got it, but it just doesn't feel like anything significant to me.
Watching the release of the results did give me some kind of motivation and impetus to start working, but then again, I don't know how long it'll last.

I have no idea why I'm feeling so negative today -.-

Shooting camp after school today, it'll be fun, I hope. Be back on Sat.

I know it's unbelievable but I just recently realized the value of doing work. And I've been trying to phase in changes to my schedule such that I actually get myself to do it. I think I've been getting a good balance between training and work these past few days. But doing work is freaking unproductive! Irony, I know. But honestly, I'm new at this so I don't really know whether it's normal. Should I be spending upwards of 3-4 hours in order to complete a single tutorial? What a waste of time... Yes, there's the retarded feeling of self-satisfaction, and I'm going to continue with it, but just something worth thinking about for me.

I've been doing better in training; my basic standard's been rising of late. However, I've really not been doing anything special at all, just training. So I don't know. Past breakthroughs have been based on sudden epiphanies; the kind of realization that just hits you, and you just roll along with it. But this time it's different. It feels like a very plain, straightforward kind of thing. It's not like I've suddenly got a good feeling and can shoot 10s at will. I...don't quite know how to describe it, so forgive the rambling. I guess it's just the feeling that I'm able to carry out my 动作 much, much better now, and when I don't do it correctly, I can really feel it. I can feel my arm sliding out of position when my arm's fatigued, and moving slightly off-course the moment I trigger. And when I'm good, I can keep it there. Something like that. It's good, I think.

An indicator or signal would be nice. Just to know that I'm getting through. One can wish >_<

Biomed stuff ended yesterday with the Symposium, after which I came back, showered, and slept for 13 hours straight, from 7 to 8 >_< Guess I shouldn't have stayed back in school so late just to get in some last min mugging (and skipping training no less!)

The symposium itself was pretty underwhelming tbh. After the many training sessions we had by our seniors, and all the effort put it, what we had to do in the end didn't make the effort seem all that worthwhile. The MCQ questions we got were more trivia-ish, and thus a matter of guessing, and the presentation question we got (on hypertension) wasn't that tough to handle as well. And while the exhibitions were part of the symposium programme, the time allocated to viewing them overlapped with the time we had to prepare for our presentation, so I didn't get to see them at all... Imo the greatest takeaways I got were more from the trainings in the run-up to it, which were really awesome and interesting; and the work with my group members, who were cool, funny and retarded (in a good way!). The silver medal I got out of it was just an additional bonus : P

The awards ceremony was hilarious. While I appreciate the effort spent on honouring everyone's achievements, does that really justify spending around 2 hours calling people up on stage 1 by 1 to present them with their prizes? Not to mention the fact that prize-winners weren't informed beforehand, and that prizes were given bottom-up so to speak, so there was a lot of heart-pounding excitement. And the conflict between hoping that one's name is called - no matter the award - and hoping that you're not called for a lower award and instead a higher one. Barely hidden anticipation. Coupled with the fear that my name wouldn't be called. Encouragement by teammates who kept insisting that I'd done well. And finally relief after finally being called. Lingering thoughts on what'd have happened if I'd just done that little bit better. Haha, I'm quite a weak-minded person afterall.

So yup, it's over, now time to focus a little bit more on my ailing studies I suppose (though I can't say the symposium detracted from them that much!) and I've got a shoot later tonight.

Shitty day on the whole, and I'm on a downwards spiral. Or actually, I've always been going down, it's just that till recently, I've been too intently looking somewhere else to actually take note of my surroundings. As someone famous (or soon to be, at the very least I'm sure) once said: I'm sinking in a cesspool of shit.

And I'm starting to doubt the truth behind the smile plastered on my face; the lame jokes I crack, and the optimism I try so hard to exude. It's tempting to just screw it and not bother, but the senselessness helps to relieve everything, if only a little. But I sense detachment occurring, and I really don't know what to do especially since a part of me welcomes it so much.

Emo perhaps. But whatever. I'm a little too strapped for time to end this on my usual optimistic note.

Recent addiction to Ramly Burgers. Now I know exactly why they're so famous. It's been some time since I last bit into a piping hot burger with the most perfect blend of sauces ever. Mmm.

How do I get my presence acknowledged?

WEIQI IHC CHAMPS WOOHOO!

Played pretty well today, though credit for victory has to go to our super awesome J1 ace who won all her games definitively. T'was close for me. 1 loss out of 4, with my last victory being a mere difference of 2 stones, following huge blunders by myself. Both my teammates had finished their games, with one victorious while the other conceded by 4 points. Victory or defeat hung in the balance. Things didn't look good. A persistent comeback by me, fighting for and clinging onto every single empty bit of space on the board eventually let me scrape my win, and with it, 1st place for MR! XD

Baby Griffles looks so cute okay. I don't care that our biomed trainer Liang Yi was appalled at what our school mascot has become, and that if you cover the beak, the head looks just like a pig, or a cat with pig ears. I got IHC champs shirt as well, though it's S-sized atm. Shall get it changed soon.

Delight. Though yet one more person has pointed out that I'm easy to bully and thus fun to make fun of =/ Shit.

Played for MR in the Chinese Chess IHC today. We won 2 of our lineups, drawed 2 and lost 1 to come in third. And personally, I didn't lose a single match at all! But I felt really guilty about my wins, since 2 of them were against newbs, like I managed to win this guy in 30 seconds with a 双炮将 which is literally the oldest trick in the book =/ like seriously, I used to keep winning my bro with it when he was in P4 I think till he finally wised up to it. I even had 1 walkover cause the other guy I was meant to play against had to leave. My final 2 wins weren't  quite as easy, but they weren't rightfully mine either >_< In the second last match, I was down on pieces after an unwise trade-off. I persevered however, and managed to stave death off for more than 10 mins to win by time. In the last, I made the EXACT SAME UNWISE TRADEOFF, but managed to grasp victory through a total cheapo. So today wasn't the most trying session I've ever had, but it was quite fun, despite the ever-present feeling of guilt T.T Hope I didn't quench any budding passions for chess today.

I think I'm gradually finding the motivation to start working, but it's so troublesome and time-consuming. Maybe it's just because I'm slow, but I took almost an hour to do the Math Assignment and just forever to get any work done. Is that how it's supposed to be? Any advice? =/
Even though I stay back quite a bit, I really don't know if I have what it takes to devote that amount of time to work, other commitments not-withstanding.


While it may not seem that way to others, I find myself becoming more distant, aloof and detached, and there's been a resurgence of my cynical side of late. Sometimes it seems like it's a cyclical kind of thing, but I don't really want to fall into this rut all over again.

Else there'd be no proof of advancement, would there?

Politics is the art of persuasion. Discuss.

One point I alluded to in my essay regarding the above: Merely having the ability to persuade others to follow you wholly insufficient. Competence is key.

The only difference between a persuasive incompetent and a non-persuasive one is just the number of people you bring down with you.

Self-serving leadership that somehow benefits the greater good vs leadership for the greater good. I wonder who can tell the difference. And even more, does anyone really care?

Bro's friends came over to study today. I seem to have been conscripted as free homework help. Grr.

Shooting interviews. Fate of people in my hands and all that. And I can't help but wonder, 5 years ago; just what was it that made this amazing senior; captain in Sec 3, headboy in Sec 4, decide to allow this not-so-small Sec 1 who said that he wanted to join shooting to "strengthen his arms" into the club, over the hundreds of others that applied as well. Did he see anything, perhaps? I'll never know.

It's refreshing to see the new interest and passion our interviewees had, though a dark part wonders how much of it is real, and how long it could possibly last. Even so, I could tell some people really wanted to join, and I'm kinda glad we didn't have to eliminate so many people this time.

Can't really express my thoughts and feelings bout this properly, it just means so much more to me than the significance of the event probably should hold.

Yeah...and after the interviews ended, the RG veteran (?) shooters decided to conduct "interviews" of their own, and I ended up being the subject. Retarded responses FTW. Hehx at least it seems like I have fun juniors this year.

Mmm and I somehow managed to epic fail twice within 12 hours. First was coming back after training after the interviews. I was kinda tired, so I took a seat even though the train was at Admiralty and just...fell asleep. Normally when I overshoot Marsiling, I wake up at Kranji, chuckle at my foolishness then take the other train back, but this time, I actually only woke up at Bukit Gombak...

Second one was that I slept at 6 am today after...um...watching KoB. It's too awesome already. I only woke up when KH woke me up after my biomed groupmate called my phone multiple times. I ended up being 2 hours late for the meeting, and that was after spending $12 on  cab ride...

People have been laughing at me too much of late...I'm not some circus act for your enjoyment 'k?

Just failed again. Not telling what, since I doubt I'd be able to show my face in public again if it were to be revealed..

The popularization of things confessional, accusatory in nature. The need to spout a new revelation every single time, as if everything we say, do, or think isn't just a done-to-death re-hash of something that's already been brought into this world. The world is running out of ideas. So no need to be radical for radical's sake; for that attempt's doomed to failure. So much more, I'd appreciate, honesty, simple and true, regardless how boring and pedestrian. No masks, no lies, no facades. Simply; the truth.

Spammage of the rule of three. Low brow, crass, inelegant (here I go again!) but that's my style, so leave it be.

Information overload from Biomed stuff. As I was telling Kieng Wee, the syllabus they gave us didn't look half so heavy as what we've got to cover. Pathology is just...so much. Seriously.
First presentation: "Ok, looks good, everything makes sense" *Takes notes actively, pen just flies across the paper*
Second presentation: "Oh my, that's a bit tough" *Jots down a few pointers*
Third presentation: "WHY WON'T IT STOP!" *Attempts to maintain semblance of attention*
Fourth presentation: "..." *Brain dead*
Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad. But quite mentally taxing either way, but from the ratio of information retained : information loss : information that simply went over my head things don't look too good XD
It's interesting, though, and what I do retain is some pretty darn cool stuff.


Gave someone a shock after today's session ended, looked like they'd seen a ghost :P

Two days of GP essays in a row, YEAH! I think I did really, really well! *cuts back on sarcasm* Haha, but I realized that towards the end of an essay, my writing style becomes more free, and disproportionately more pompous and arrogant. The level of crap goes up, and I start to lose focus on the main argument; going off tangent about this startling new revelation that I JUST have to share with the rest of the world. Or maybe just the poor, bewildered reader of my essay. Hopefully all the circles around around the poor guy somehow let me get an A at the end of the day.

Chem tutorial today was a disaster, and a further reminder that I've got to buck up, fast. Couldn't even answer those simple questions =.=

I stayed back in school after today's trials to finish up my incomplete essay (took way too long) and embark upon some math. And I kinda experienced what Jack said about the addictive feeling of doing work; and I think I'll be able to do more next time, as long as I have absolutely nothing around me to distract me (the notion of computers as productivity enhancers is simply amusing).

Trials hehe. Much to be desired. No further comment. It's really interesting to see how ideological differences play out so obviously once it comes to real life.

Oh and I'm signed up for the NTUIS as both a pistoler and rifler (terms which don't really exist in case you were wondering). Splendid. Or at least it would be; if coach hadn't passed my rifle on to my dear junior (no sarcasm this time) after her's malfunctioned. It's also quite sad how Marcus, Yi Ling and Yelin don't seem to have been selected to participate.

Hate MT promises.

I've overshot my MRT stop because I was sleeping on multiple occasions before, but Friday was the first time I ever undershot. I was so tired after Take 5 + our class outing that I was drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness the moment I got a seat a Jurong East. A moment of panic induced by my father calling me cause he was locked out of the house jolted me awake and sent me stumbling out of the MRT. I only realized I had gotten off at the wrong stop as I took the escalator down and found that the surroundings looked decidedly unfamiliar =.=

Tiring Take 5 was, but it was the most fun I've had in awhile. Jack, Sandra, Roxanne and me participated in the Amazing Race which basically boiled down to running laps up and down between the beaches and Beach Station of Sentosa, along the same stretch of road as we moved from station to station. The stations were quite interesting though. There was this one where we had to answer some NE questions, where I realized all that "knowledge" drilled into me over the past 10 years of Social Studies has disappeared just like that. *poof* I mean, none of us could even say what the 5 stars on Singapore's flag represent -.-''' others had us sing CNY songs backwards (quite a challenge!), do footdrills and other random stuff. This station had soap bubbles sloshed on our shirts, and Roxanne and Sandra had to use pathetically weak water guns to squirt them off. Luckily it was quite windy (assisted by some surreptitious blowing on our parts while the organizers weren't looking) so they had some help with that. Salt water got into my mouth and well...it tasted salty. WOW. We even got to take the LUGE for free. You take this ski lift-like thing where you stand in a yellow box, and just wait for the contraption to move up behind you and plop yourself down on it. The whole thing then carries you up up up over trees and so on, then you take something like a Go-Cart down. We had to look out for words on the way down, so didn't go too fast :/ "Your friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life" (Y)
For the last station, we had to carry each other, while the guy below kicked this ball past the goal line. Well, Jack couldn't carry me, obviously, so I ended up carrying him across my shoulders in a fireman's lift while Sandra piggybacked Roxanne and we succeeded.

We went for lunch and karaoke after that. So yeah, there was a choice between either a 2 or 4 hour package, and 4 hours seemed way too long, so we went with the 2 hour one. But time just flew by, and we wanted to continue some more, so ended up paying extra to extend it. After that, we wandered around Toys'R'Us to burn some time around dinner; and spent our time making totally random comments about all the toys we saw, "reliving our childhoods". Dinner was spent at the Soup Spoon after much deliberation, and that was it for the class outing.

I'd like to spend some time indulging in our national sport and complaining about how tiring the week's been, with me going back at 9+ on the first 3 days, sleeping for around 3 hours per night, and going back to school on Sat as well; but I'm not a champion at doing so, it's mostly my fault and I really don't want to come off as a douche, so I'll leave things be.

Mr Tang's been quite critical and I seem to be arrowed quite a bit, though of course I know that nothing's supposed to be taken personally. But honestly, don't you think that it's fair for me to be a little miffed that when I went up to present my essay outline, he not only critiqued my points, but also saw fit to bring up my penmanship, even going to the extent where he mentioned that if he were a Cambridge marker, he "just wouldn't want to give me an A, and if the content originally merited a 35, he'd give a 34 just for the sake of it"? He even got samples of the other guys' handwriting to contrast to LOL. I know it's true though, so I'll work on it...






P.S If you noticed that I used the semi-colon a lot less this time, it can be attributed to our dear GP tutor pointing out my flagrant disregard for sentence structure when applying it, resulting in sentence fragments. Woe is me.

Heh, I'm spamming some Korean drama now. Baking King FTW. I'll do my work tomorrow, er...I mean today, promise.

Had a randomly fun family outing today. First we went to this field near my house to go fly kite, literally. However, there was scant flying and more crazy running around as we tried to get the kite up into the air. Insufficient string and a kite that I highly suspect was meant purely to be ornamental meant that we did not see much success. In fact, our multiple vain attempts resulting in said kite being dragged in the mud and eventually; being broken apart, so much for its ornamental value =.=

Next was a long drive with no particular destination in mind. We finally decided to go have a look at Marina Bay Sands by way of elimination. Not to the casino though; we do have minors afterall. Just to have a stroll around, take a look at all the shops selling branded goods which I don't expect to grace with my patronage in the course of my natural lifespan, and just see what things were like in general.

And yeah, they have this gigantic bowl positioned over a water feature downstairs, and tourists kept trying to toss coins into the hole in the center. Some coins rolled on edge up the slope, and came rolling down again; back and forth, back and forth. I expected those that didn't go in to just remain in the bowl for collection, but turns out water gushes out of outlets in the sides of the bowl, washing everything downwards. Makes collection of the "tips" pretty darn convenient, doesn't it?

By some freak chance, I happened to run into Sherri at Borders while we were waiting for a free table for lunch/dinner. Being called "Christopher" out of the blue gave me a shock...

Food was nice, mussels in white wine, pumpkin soup, and fish & chips. Mmm.

That's about it, I guess.

Anyway, it's back to school in a couple of days; trainings are gonna be shifted back to the RJ range as well, we've got trials & JAE CCAFeste to deal with, and I'll have symposium training sessions as well. I'm really worried, since I'm pretty sure the trainings will conflict, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it.

The thing about gun allocation is a concern to me as well, I've already had it happen to me last year, and I don't want a repeat now, of all times, especially when I'm trying to nail everything down, build up some consistency. I don't want my hammer to be taken away from me just as I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without it, of course. I'd hammer this nail in with my bare hands if necessary; just saying that I'd love it if I get to keep this hammer, for once. DX

CNY visiting at my 外婆's place: 4 parts sleeping, 2 parts eating, 2 parts playing C.Chess with my 外公, 1 part sitting around awkwardly and the last part spent greeting relatives >.<

It's quite strange, or normal I guess that I don't have much to say to those relatives I only see once every year, and whose only comments are: 哇，你张得那么大了！ So I end up just sitting on the sofa as the parents and grandparents chatter incessantly among themselves. And, I don't know; it's amazing to me that they know each other to that extent, and have all the details engraved in their heads; while I don't even know my third cousin's great uncle or whatever at all. How to survive in the adult world like this...

My 外公 loves to play Chinese Chess so he keeps challenging us to play with him. I'm usually able to beat him (albeit by a small margin) but today, I made this crucial mistake early on that put me on the defensive for the rest of the game. I fought desperately to hold on - which I actually find to be the most enjoyable part of playing - and he sportingly followed without pressing the large advantage he had in the most boring manner. The game dragged on for over an hour, and I eventually lost...I don't really mind though =)

Breakthrough =D
It wasn't really an epiphany, but rather gaining an insight into the execution of the whole process through repeated grinding. I kinda realized that there's no need to think so much about what's wrong, or even whether I'm doing it correctly. Just. Execute. Done. It sounds quite weird, but that's because I'm trying to capture the feeling in words; and everyone knows I utterly fail at doing that. But anyway, it's quite heartening to see the changes I've been making and disciplining myself to enforce working out and producing results. It makes me feel like if I just continue on properly, I'll actually be able to get somewhere with this.

I've got to start digging up reading material for that Biomed Symposium; when I attended this session held by an alumnus who's now into surgery yesterday, most of it just flew way over my head. It wasn't just my lack of knowledge though; more than that, it was the frantic pace at which he threw out terms and the windy train of thought. He was interesting, though, with many of the traits some member of the public would expect of the "typical" Rafflesian which however aren't really all too common among many of us today.

Not even an hour into CNY and the phone's buzzing with well-wishes; FB is absolutely flooded with them and I've just had my first truly legit reason for staying up late this year. Not bad, not bad at all ~

Reunion dinner with my cousins, aunt and grandparents was pretty much the same as previous years: Stuffing my face at the buffet, forcing myself to shovel down excess food which they took, playing around with my cousins; doing the eyebrow thing for their amusement >< haha it was quite fun.

P.S The okonomiyaki at NorthPoint is really quite good; at least for someone with as pedestrian a palate as mine. The only disappointment was realizing that it was made totally of veggies -.- we should have taken a MUCH closer look at the menu before ordering XD