Camp's over, had fun, though I suspect that I'd have probably enjoyed myself more if I hadn't been involved in organizing it, and all the running around to get things ready, (though Yi Ling and Rach did so much more!) which kind of creates a wee bit of distance that I'm horrible at closing.

Not-so-random philosophical discourse with Marcus, and I kinda realised how I've stopped thinking recently; got so involved in the flow of things that my brain just shut off, and everything's just been responding, responding, responding. I have no idea whether that's supposed to be good or bad though.

And I've realised once again, that I'm not a big-group person. I prefer 1-on-1 interaction, feels much more meaningful, though of course that in part is because I just can't compete. Can't grasp and make myself a part of those dynamics which seem ever so important. Hate the way person to person interaction gets subsumed by the group. It's the loser's perspective, I know. It's mine.

I need to re-work my brain's circuitry.

A level results were released on Friday. Somehow I didn't feel elated or anything about my A in Chinese. Just numb. Of course I'm glad I got it, but it just doesn't feel like anything significant to me.
Watching the release of the results did give me some kind of motivation and impetus to start working, but then again, I don't know how long it'll last.

I have no idea why I'm feeling so negative today -.-

Shooting camp after school today, it'll be fun, I hope. Be back on Sat.

I know it's unbelievable but I just recently realized the value of doing work. And I've been trying to phase in changes to my schedule such that I actually get myself to do it. I think I've been getting a good balance between training and work these past few days. But doing work is freaking unproductive! Irony, I know. But honestly, I'm new at this so I don't really know whether it's normal. Should I be spending upwards of 3-4 hours in order to complete a single tutorial? What a waste of time... Yes, there's the retarded feeling of self-satisfaction, and I'm going to continue with it, but just something worth thinking about for me.

I've been doing better in training; my basic standard's been rising of late. However, I've really not been doing anything special at all, just training. So I don't know. Past breakthroughs have been based on sudden epiphanies; the kind of realization that just hits you, and you just roll along with it. But this time it's different. It feels like a very plain, straightforward kind of thing. It's not like I've suddenly got a good feeling and can shoot 10s at will. I...don't quite know how to describe it, so forgive the rambling. I guess it's just the feeling that I'm able to carry out my 动作 much, much better now, and when I don't do it correctly, I can really feel it. I can feel my arm sliding out of position when my arm's fatigued, and moving slightly off-course the moment I trigger. And when I'm good, I can keep it there. Something like that. It's good, I think.

An indicator or signal would be nice. Just to know that I'm getting through. One can wish >_<

Biomed stuff ended yesterday with the Symposium, after which I came back, showered, and slept for 13 hours straight, from 7 to 8 >_< Guess I shouldn't have stayed back in school so late just to get in some last min mugging (and skipping training no less!)

The symposium itself was pretty underwhelming tbh. After the many training sessions we had by our seniors, and all the effort put it, what we had to do in the end didn't make the effort seem all that worthwhile. The MCQ questions we got were more trivia-ish, and thus a matter of guessing, and the presentation question we got (on hypertension) wasn't that tough to handle as well. And while the exhibitions were part of the symposium programme, the time allocated to viewing them overlapped with the time we had to prepare for our presentation, so I didn't get to see them at all... Imo the greatest takeaways I got were more from the trainings in the run-up to it, which were really awesome and interesting; and the work with my group members, who were cool, funny and retarded (in a good way!). The silver medal I got out of it was just an additional bonus : P

The awards ceremony was hilarious. While I appreciate the effort spent on honouring everyone's achievements, does that really justify spending around 2 hours calling people up on stage 1 by 1 to present them with their prizes? Not to mention the fact that prize-winners weren't informed beforehand, and that prizes were given bottom-up so to speak, so there was a lot of heart-pounding excitement. And the conflict between hoping that one's name is called - no matter the award - and hoping that you're not called for a lower award and instead a higher one. Barely hidden anticipation. Coupled with the fear that my name wouldn't be called. Encouragement by teammates who kept insisting that I'd done well. And finally relief after finally being called. Lingering thoughts on what'd have happened if I'd just done that little bit better. Haha, I'm quite a weak-minded person afterall.

So yup, it's over, now time to focus a little bit more on my ailing studies I suppose (though I can't say the symposium detracted from them that much!) and I've got a shoot later tonight.

Shitty day on the whole, and I'm on a downwards spiral. Or actually, I've always been going down, it's just that till recently, I've been too intently looking somewhere else to actually take note of my surroundings. As someone famous (or soon to be, at the very least I'm sure) once said: I'm sinking in a cesspool of shit.

And I'm starting to doubt the truth behind the smile plastered on my face; the lame jokes I crack, and the optimism I try so hard to exude. It's tempting to just screw it and not bother, but the senselessness helps to relieve everything, if only a little. But I sense detachment occurring, and I really don't know what to do especially since a part of me welcomes it so much.

Emo perhaps. But whatever. I'm a little too strapped for time to end this on my usual optimistic note.

Recent addiction to Ramly Burgers. Now I know exactly why they're so famous. It's been some time since I last bit into a piping hot burger with the most perfect blend of sauces ever. Mmm.

How do I get my presence acknowledged?

WEIQI IHC CHAMPS WOOHOO!

Played pretty well today, though credit for victory has to go to our super awesome J1 ace who won all her games definitively. T'was close for me. 1 loss out of 4, with my last victory being a mere difference of 2 stones, following huge blunders by myself. Both my teammates had finished their games, with one victorious while the other conceded by 4 points. Victory or defeat hung in the balance. Things didn't look good. A persistent comeback by me, fighting for and clinging onto every single empty bit of space on the board eventually let me scrape my win, and with it, 1st place for MR! XD

Baby Griffles looks so cute okay. I don't care that our biomed trainer Liang Yi was appalled at what our school mascot has become, and that if you cover the beak, the head looks just like a pig, or a cat with pig ears. I got IHC champs shirt as well, though it's S-sized atm. Shall get it changed soon.

Delight. Though yet one more person has pointed out that I'm easy to bully and thus fun to make fun of =/ Shit.

Played for MR in the Chinese Chess IHC today. We won 2 of our lineups, drawed 2 and lost 1 to come in third. And personally, I didn't lose a single match at all! But I felt really guilty about my wins, since 2 of them were against newbs, like I managed to win this guy in 30 seconds with a 双炮将 which is literally the oldest trick in the book =/ like seriously, I used to keep winning my bro with it when he was in P4 I think till he finally wised up to it. I even had 1 walkover cause the other guy I was meant to play against had to leave. My final 2 wins weren't  quite as easy, but they weren't rightfully mine either >_< In the second last match, I was down on pieces after an unwise trade-off. I persevered however, and managed to stave death off for more than 10 mins to win by time. In the last, I made the EXACT SAME UNWISE TRADEOFF, but managed to grasp victory through a total cheapo. So today wasn't the most trying session I've ever had, but it was quite fun, despite the ever-present feeling of guilt T.T Hope I didn't quench any budding passions for chess today.

I think I'm gradually finding the motivation to start working, but it's so troublesome and time-consuming. Maybe it's just because I'm slow, but I took almost an hour to do the Math Assignment and just forever to get any work done. Is that how it's supposed to be? Any advice? =/
Even though I stay back quite a bit, I really don't know if I have what it takes to devote that amount of time to work, other commitments not-withstanding.


While it may not seem that way to others, I find myself becoming more distant, aloof and detached, and there's been a resurgence of my cynical side of late. Sometimes it seems like it's a cyclical kind of thing, but I don't really want to fall into this rut all over again.

Else there'd be no proof of advancement, would there?

Politics is the art of persuasion. Discuss.

One point I alluded to in my essay regarding the above: Merely having the ability to persuade others to follow you wholly insufficient. Competence is key.

The only difference between a persuasive incompetent and a non-persuasive one is just the number of people you bring down with you.

Self-serving leadership that somehow benefits the greater good vs leadership for the greater good. I wonder who can tell the difference. And even more, does anyone really care?

Bro's friends came over to study today. I seem to have been conscripted as free homework help. Grr.

Shooting interviews. Fate of people in my hands and all that. And I can't help but wonder, 5 years ago; just what was it that made this amazing senior; captain in Sec 3, headboy in Sec 4, decide to allow this not-so-small Sec 1 who said that he wanted to join shooting to "strengthen his arms" into the club, over the hundreds of others that applied as well. Did he see anything, perhaps? I'll never know.

It's refreshing to see the new interest and passion our interviewees had, though a dark part wonders how much of it is real, and how long it could possibly last. Even so, I could tell some people really wanted to join, and I'm kinda glad we didn't have to eliminate so many people this time.

Can't really express my thoughts and feelings bout this properly, it just means so much more to me than the significance of the event probably should hold.

Yeah...and after the interviews ended, the RG veteran (?) shooters decided to conduct "interviews" of their own, and I ended up being the subject. Retarded responses FTW. Hehx at least it seems like I have fun juniors this year.

Mmm and I somehow managed to epic fail twice within 12 hours. First was coming back after training after the interviews. I was kinda tired, so I took a seat even though the train was at Admiralty and just...fell asleep. Normally when I overshoot Marsiling, I wake up at Kranji, chuckle at my foolishness then take the other train back, but this time, I actually only woke up at Bukit Gombak...

Second one was that I slept at 6 am today after...um...watching KoB. It's too awesome already. I only woke up when KH woke me up after my biomed groupmate called my phone multiple times. I ended up being 2 hours late for the meeting, and that was after spending $12 on  cab ride...

People have been laughing at me too much of late...I'm not some circus act for your enjoyment 'k?

Just failed again. Not telling what, since I doubt I'd be able to show my face in public again if it were to be revealed..

The popularization of things confessional, accusatory in nature. The need to spout a new revelation every single time, as if everything we say, do, or think isn't just a done-to-death re-hash of something that's already been brought into this world. The world is running out of ideas. So no need to be radical for radical's sake; for that attempt's doomed to failure. So much more, I'd appreciate, honesty, simple and true, regardless how boring and pedestrian. No masks, no lies, no facades. Simply; the truth.

Spammage of the rule of three. Low brow, crass, inelegant (here I go again!) but that's my style, so leave it be.

Information overload from Biomed stuff. As I was telling Kieng Wee, the syllabus they gave us didn't look half so heavy as what we've got to cover. Pathology is just...so much. Seriously.
First presentation: "Ok, looks good, everything makes sense" *Takes notes actively, pen just flies across the paper*
Second presentation: "Oh my, that's a bit tough" *Jots down a few pointers*
Third presentation: "WHY WON'T IT STOP!" *Attempts to maintain semblance of attention*
Fourth presentation: "..." *Brain dead*
Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad. But quite mentally taxing either way, but from the ratio of information retained : information loss : information that simply went over my head things don't look too good XD
It's interesting, though, and what I do retain is some pretty darn cool stuff.


Gave someone a shock after today's session ended, looked like they'd seen a ghost :P

Two days of GP essays in a row, YEAH! I think I did really, really well! *cuts back on sarcasm* Haha, but I realized that towards the end of an essay, my writing style becomes more free, and disproportionately more pompous and arrogant. The level of crap goes up, and I start to lose focus on the main argument; going off tangent about this startling new revelation that I JUST have to share with the rest of the world. Or maybe just the poor, bewildered reader of my essay. Hopefully all the circles around around the poor guy somehow let me get an A at the end of the day.

Chem tutorial today was a disaster, and a further reminder that I've got to buck up, fast. Couldn't even answer those simple questions =.=

I stayed back in school after today's trials to finish up my incomplete essay (took way too long) and embark upon some math. And I kinda experienced what Jack said about the addictive feeling of doing work; and I think I'll be able to do more next time, as long as I have absolutely nothing around me to distract me (the notion of computers as productivity enhancers is simply amusing).

Trials hehe. Much to be desired. No further comment. It's really interesting to see how ideological differences play out so obviously once it comes to real life.

Oh and I'm signed up for the NTUIS as both a pistoler and rifler (terms which don't really exist in case you were wondering). Splendid. Or at least it would be; if coach hadn't passed my rifle on to my dear junior (no sarcasm this time) after her's malfunctioned. It's also quite sad how Marcus, Yi Ling and Yelin don't seem to have been selected to participate.

Hate MT promises.

I've overshot my MRT stop because I was sleeping on multiple occasions before, but Friday was the first time I ever undershot. I was so tired after Take 5 + our class outing that I was drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness the moment I got a seat a Jurong East. A moment of panic induced by my father calling me cause he was locked out of the house jolted me awake and sent me stumbling out of the MRT. I only realized I had gotten off at the wrong stop as I took the escalator down and found that the surroundings looked decidedly unfamiliar =.=

Tiring Take 5 was, but it was the most fun I've had in awhile. Jack, Sandra, Roxanne and me participated in the Amazing Race which basically boiled down to running laps up and down between the beaches and Beach Station of Sentosa, along the same stretch of road as we moved from station to station. The stations were quite interesting though. There was this one where we had to answer some NE questions, where I realized all that "knowledge" drilled into me over the past 10 years of Social Studies has disappeared just like that. *poof* I mean, none of us could even say what the 5 stars on Singapore's flag represent -.-''' others had us sing CNY songs backwards (quite a challenge!), do footdrills and other random stuff. This station had soap bubbles sloshed on our shirts, and Roxanne and Sandra had to use pathetically weak water guns to squirt them off. Luckily it was quite windy (assisted by some surreptitious blowing on our parts while the organizers weren't looking) so they had some help with that. Salt water got into my mouth and well...it tasted salty. WOW. We even got to take the LUGE for free. You take this ski lift-like thing where you stand in a yellow box, and just wait for the contraption to move up behind you and plop yourself down on it. The whole thing then carries you up up up over trees and so on, then you take something like a Go-Cart down. We had to look out for words on the way down, so didn't go too fast :/ "Your friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life" (Y)
For the last station, we had to carry each other, while the guy below kicked this ball past the goal line. Well, Jack couldn't carry me, obviously, so I ended up carrying him across my shoulders in a fireman's lift while Sandra piggybacked Roxanne and we succeeded.

We went for lunch and karaoke after that. So yeah, there was a choice between either a 2 or 4 hour package, and 4 hours seemed way too long, so we went with the 2 hour one. But time just flew by, and we wanted to continue some more, so ended up paying extra to extend it. After that, we wandered around Toys'R'Us to burn some time around dinner; and spent our time making totally random comments about all the toys we saw, "reliving our childhoods". Dinner was spent at the Soup Spoon after much deliberation, and that was it for the class outing.

I'd like to spend some time indulging in our national sport and complaining about how tiring the week's been, with me going back at 9+ on the first 3 days, sleeping for around 3 hours per night, and going back to school on Sat as well; but I'm not a champion at doing so, it's mostly my fault and I really don't want to come off as a douche, so I'll leave things be.

Mr Tang's been quite critical and I seem to be arrowed quite a bit, though of course I know that nothing's supposed to be taken personally. But honestly, don't you think that it's fair for me to be a little miffed that when I went up to present my essay outline, he not only critiqued my points, but also saw fit to bring up my penmanship, even going to the extent where he mentioned that if he were a Cambridge marker, he "just wouldn't want to give me an A, and if the content originally merited a 35, he'd give a 34 just for the sake of it"? He even got samples of the other guys' handwriting to contrast to LOL. I know it's true though, so I'll work on it...






P.S If you noticed that I used the semi-colon a lot less this time, it can be attributed to our dear GP tutor pointing out my flagrant disregard for sentence structure when applying it, resulting in sentence fragments. Woe is me.

Heh, I'm spamming some Korean drama now. Baking King FTW. I'll do my work tomorrow, er...I mean today, promise.

Had a randomly fun family outing today. First we went to this field near my house to go fly kite, literally. However, there was scant flying and more crazy running around as we tried to get the kite up into the air. Insufficient string and a kite that I highly suspect was meant purely to be ornamental meant that we did not see much success. In fact, our multiple vain attempts resulting in said kite being dragged in the mud and eventually; being broken apart, so much for its ornamental value =.=

Next was a long drive with no particular destination in mind. We finally decided to go have a look at Marina Bay Sands by way of elimination. Not to the casino though; we do have minors afterall. Just to have a stroll around, take a look at all the shops selling branded goods which I don't expect to grace with my patronage in the course of my natural lifespan, and just see what things were like in general.

And yeah, they have this gigantic bowl positioned over a water feature downstairs, and tourists kept trying to toss coins into the hole in the center. Some coins rolled on edge up the slope, and came rolling down again; back and forth, back and forth. I expected those that didn't go in to just remain in the bowl for collection, but turns out water gushes out of outlets in the sides of the bowl, washing everything downwards. Makes collection of the "tips" pretty darn convenient, doesn't it?

By some freak chance, I happened to run into Sherri at Borders while we were waiting for a free table for lunch/dinner. Being called "Christopher" out of the blue gave me a shock...

Food was nice, mussels in white wine, pumpkin soup, and fish & chips. Mmm.

That's about it, I guess.

Anyway, it's back to school in a couple of days; trainings are gonna be shifted back to the RJ range as well, we've got trials & JAE CCAFeste to deal with, and I'll have symposium training sessions as well. I'm really worried, since I'm pretty sure the trainings will conflict, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it.

The thing about gun allocation is a concern to me as well, I've already had it happen to me last year, and I don't want a repeat now, of all times, especially when I'm trying to nail everything down, build up some consistency. I don't want my hammer to be taken away from me just as I'm getting used to it. I'm not saying that I couldn't live without it, of course. I'd hammer this nail in with my bare hands if necessary; just saying that I'd love it if I get to keep this hammer, for once. DX

CNY visiting at my 外婆's place: 4 parts sleeping, 2 parts eating, 2 parts playing C.Chess with my 外公, 1 part sitting around awkwardly and the last part spent greeting relatives >.<

It's quite strange, or normal I guess that I don't have much to say to those relatives I only see once every year, and whose only comments are: 哇，你张得那么大了！ So I end up just sitting on the sofa as the parents and grandparents chatter incessantly among themselves. And, I don't know; it's amazing to me that they know each other to that extent, and have all the details engraved in their heads; while I don't even know my third cousin's great uncle or whatever at all. How to survive in the adult world like this...

My 外公 loves to play Chinese Chess so he keeps challenging us to play with him. I'm usually able to beat him (albeit by a small margin) but today, I made this crucial mistake early on that put me on the defensive for the rest of the game. I fought desperately to hold on - which I actually find to be the most enjoyable part of playing - and he sportingly followed without pressing the large advantage he had in the most boring manner. The game dragged on for over an hour, and I eventually lost...I don't really mind though =)

Breakthrough =D
It wasn't really an epiphany, but rather gaining an insight into the execution of the whole process through repeated grinding. I kinda realized that there's no need to think so much about what's wrong, or even whether I'm doing it correctly. Just. Execute. Done. It sounds quite weird, but that's because I'm trying to capture the feeling in words; and everyone knows I utterly fail at doing that. But anyway, it's quite heartening to see the changes I've been making and disciplining myself to enforce working out and producing results. It makes me feel like if I just continue on properly, I'll actually be able to get somewhere with this.

I've got to start digging up reading material for that Biomed Symposium; when I attended this session held by an alumnus who's now into surgery yesterday, most of it just flew way over my head. It wasn't just my lack of knowledge though; more than that, it was the frantic pace at which he threw out terms and the windy train of thought. He was interesting, though, with many of the traits some member of the public would expect of the "typical" Rafflesian which however aren't really all too common among many of us today.

Not even an hour into CNY and the phone's buzzing with well-wishes; FB is absolutely flooded with them and I've just had my first truly legit reason for staying up late this year. Not bad, not bad at all ~

Reunion dinner with my cousins, aunt and grandparents was pretty much the same as previous years: Stuffing my face at the buffet, forcing myself to shovel down excess food which they took, playing around with my cousins; doing the eyebrow thing for their amusement >< haha it was quite fun.

P.S The okonomiyaki at NorthPoint is really quite good; at least for someone with as pedestrian a palate as mine. The only disappointment was realizing that it was made totally of veggies -.- we should have taken a MUCH closer look at the menu before ordering XD

Made quite alot of progress wrt to consistency in today's training. Now that I see a way to proceed, things seem to be looking up somehow. Direction is such a wonderful thing to have.

I got into the Biomed Symposium. Both amazing and totally unexpected. I'm a little worried that I'm not good enough, but I'll just give it my best, and hopefully, not drag the team down >.<

I've got a clearer focus in training now, mostly due to 钱教练's comments after last Sunday's monthly shoot. I decided that I'd just work on getting that one sequence right, and training so that I can do it unhesitatingly. Today's training results weren't optimal, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

So...the boring part:
举枪： Raise the gun to the highest point, relax my shoulder, so that it's "down"
落枪： Just let gravity sort of pull the gun down without resisting it so much. As the gun enters the card, start pulling on the trigger, and start increasing the amount of resistance.
进入瞄区: Increase the resistance, and once in the aiming area, just sort of decide to not let the gun drop any further. 2nd pressure should be reached within 2 secs of entering.
力量保持
Done.

Trainings have been awesome, since I get to talk to and mess around with my ccamates =)

I resolve to pull up my socks, and mug seriously.

Stayed back after lessons with YYJ today to do some work. We had dinner after that, then I left for training.

I shot a 60 shot 练习 this time, and I must say that my condition wasn't good at all...couldn't feel any energy going through my arm and my 力量保持 was horrible as well. I adapted, though and I think the shakiness of my gun actually helped me "let go" and pull the trigger more confidently. I didn't do that well, only hitting 518, with the overall score being marred by the second series of 81 Dx

Heh, Yong Jin's indomitable confidence in my ability is invigorating, and I promised that I'd work a lot harder to become a worthy "adversary" for him, help to push him to mug more and what not. Lame, but cool.

Shooting. The courage to go on, regardless the consequence; how bad could it be after all? Or rather the confidence that as long as you do that one thing just right, your training will handle the rest. Just keep pulling bravely, without hesitation, and see how things turn out.

If the intentional vagueness makes it seem like I'm alluding to something else, well...that works as well xD

The same goes for life, doesn't it? I hesitate, consider, point out faults too much, and that prevents me from really getting up to anything worthwhile.

The first week of school's been good, certainly not what I expected from J2.

Meeting friends; just sitting in the canteen talking about crap, stuff I didn't realize how much I missed during the hols till I got to experience it again.

Of course, there's the work. I've got to change my attitude regarding that, and fast. I'll work it out in due time...

Inter-class captain's ball was really enjoyable. Although we got trashed in the last 2 matches (putting it this way sounds so much better than saying "in all except our first" >< ) we played a good game, had lots of fun, and I'm glad we managed to play well as a team, unlike many other teams which didn't involve the girls playing much at all. The hour or so we spent before the match playing random mind-games and wandering around school was pretty cool as well! I sprained my ankle during a match though, so I've got some trouble walking.

I'm a lot less stressed about shooting now, and the feeling is coming back gradually. Some random troublesome elements are cropping up, but I won't let them affect me.

I've had awhile to clear my head, sort out my thoughts, blahblah, and now I realize what a relief it is; to finally be able to say: I'M TIRED. SERIOUSLY.

Shit. Over the past few weeks, I've stretched myself, telling others; and convincing myself, that I was perfectly fine, that I'd be able to cope; and basking -in a perverse way- in the reactions that they have to it. "Hardcore", "Crazy" whatever, and that's coming from those who put quite a bit into it as well.

I was determined to carry it through. But I don't know when it began, when "my spirit started to exceed my body" (the awesome phrases you find in mangas Dx) and I felt like everything was crumbling. I pushed myself to continue, and managed to do so. However, my focus during trainings was deteriorating along with my performance; not to mention the sleepless nights just lying in bed, trying to sleep, and just staring at the ceiling wondering what was wrong. I don't think it's entirely due to shooting, but in a way, the stress was getting to me.

I have no idea how things would've turned out if I had continued that way, desperately(?), fervently trying to pour my all into 2 linked, but different-after-all things. It's not like I'm going to stop training rifle, but coach has helped me admit the merits of placing more focus on my pistol instead, so that's what I'll be doing from now till the Nationals. I'll have to find my own balance again, but we'll see how that works out.

So. It's not giving up. I think that as someone who's stuck to it for a month, I'm entitled to say that much. The crazyness stops now, and I'll do it in moderation this time, and give it my 100%, as I've always striven to do. That is all.

/end rant

I'm tired. Plain tired. After the hectic-ness of the past month, I've had to make a critical decision about something I didn't really want to have to do. I'm heartbroken. And I think that apart form a scarce few, no one can really understand how it felt, and why I teared after making it.

But no looking back now, so all I can do is proceed with determination =S

Aside, the past 2 days of school have really let the idea "this is J2!!" sink in. If this isn't setting the tone, I don't know what is. Our new teachers aren't bad at all, though.

Heh, apparently my eyebrow trick is a hit with kids. My cousins, especially.

Econs assignment. Bleh. I resolve to do a Cracked-styled article on Greece after I wake up.

Don't fail me now, resolve. It did.

I've got the schematics for a simple tick-ing mechanism in my head. I'll try putting it down on paper.

Sucky psing video using a new cam we got from signing up for the ST xD
It's my first, so, enjoy.

On a sidenote, let's have a second of silence for my waterbottle, which met the same gristly end as it's predecessor(s?) after it valiantly sacrificed itself in the line of duty in keeping me hydrated. You'll be missed.

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Awesome quote

I EPIC FAIL seriously. I have no idea how I end up doing so much crap...

Homecoming yesterday was okay. The concert wasn't bad, and civics breakfast after that was fine as well. Our timetable seems pretty decent, but our new CT seems very fierce. Randomly walking around school looking for Amos and Merv for "Sardines" was an exercise in pointlessness, but I don't really mind.

I went home after lunch with SY and just SLEPT. Honestly, that's all I did. I even slept on the MRT and missed my stop, ending up at Khatib... Anyway, I was originally planning on training that day, but ended up sleeping from 2 to 7.40 so I didn't.

Somehow I got engrossed in the gore of New Grappler Baki and just couldn't stop reading, so I ended up going to bed at 4. Haix, I've gotta stop these late-night manga sprees before school starts, else I won't get anything done.

So anyway, here's the epic fail part. I was supposed to go take care of the range at school for OpenHouse from 12 to 2, and I'd figured sleeping at 4 would give me around 7 hours of sleep or so; enough to get to school on time. But I ended up sleeping for 10 freaking hours and only woke up when I feel my phone vibrating from SY's phonecall at 2.20. *Facepalm*

So yeah, missed openhouse, missed my shift, and caused quite a lot of inconvenience to Yi Ling and Rachel. oops.

I went for training after waking up; both pistol and rifle. Today wasn't fulfilling at all; I don't think I managed to achieve anything. Can't seem to focus properly, on the correct things. Gahh.

Trained, and I realized that at the root of it, I'm still back at that quintessential problem: Focus. And I kinda know how it developed.

A few months back, I didn't really have much difficulty focusing on the feeling, and on maintaining it. Then problems started cropping up in my action and I started being obsessive about them; trying to correct them and so on. And in the process, I lost my focus.

I'll have to build it up slowly I guess. Just let go of the front, to grasp the back totally.

The meds are wearing off, so I'm a little tired...

Being all drugged up makes me feel better...kinda =)

Pissed

I can't exactly express how pissed the unfolding of certain recent events have made me, nor do I think it would be a good idea to put it up on public domain, so I shall resort to making not-so-vague allusions to them instead. Those who know, will know, I don't really care.

It's amazing, really. With all the effort I put into it, and it being blatantly obvious to the person in question, I just don't see how he/she/it could still be trying to manipulate and railroad me into something that I obviously do not want. We've had frank talks before, and maybe I'm over-thinking things, but the only conclusion I can draw is that that person just has no respect for me nor my effort and wishes >.< I feel as if I'm pushing so much, alone, without any support except with the occasional prod along in the direction I don't really want to take, exploited for interests not my own. Somewhere in my heart, I wish otherwise, I wish for support in my endeavor, encouragement and attention.

Selfish perhaps, but I don't feel a modicum of any at all.

I've gone through this before -many times, in truth- and I'll probably have to go through this again; but I'm not jaded enough not to feel anything.

It hurts, this naivete of unfulfilled expectations.

The cacophony of sms alerts as we were watching Inception heralded the start of 2011, putting an end to an exceedingly enjoyable New Year's Eve, and IMO, a good year overall.


Kang Yong's birthday happens to be on the last day of the year, so yesterday we had this nice gathering of extended family members to celebrate his birthday as well as the passing of the year. As always, I find the kind of warmth you feel at these events really invigorating. The company is really enjoyable.
Strangely, I don't have a single thought in mind about new year resolutions or anything of that sort. They've proven to be pretty irresolute in years past. However, the general mood to do things better, to be more enthusiastic, more persistent, to not make the mistakes I did last year has caught me up, and I'll ride it for all it's worth.


For the obligatory past year reflections; well I guess I seem to have made more mistakes last year than I have in previous ones. I've passed up on some brilliant opportunities, possibly due to unwillingness to even consider them, or perhaps a fear to try them out. I've been involved in more than a few mess-ups, and responded in even more foolish ways.

In shooting, I put so much effort into last years nationals till my legs felt weak and I actually staggered as I stepped away from the lane after putting up a dismal performance. I toughed it out and even now, I can feel the burning desire I felt at the prize-giving ceremony then; to do better, to put in even more, to not let my teammates down.

In exco elections, I tackled it wrongly, methinks, was overly anxious, messed up, and the feeling of walking up and down, up and down, won't be forgotten.

I tried new things, which worked out, learnt lessons, which I'll apply, and really, I think I've matured throughout the year.

I remember Mr Koh once mentioning that in adolescence, our values, ideals, way of thinking, personality, even aren't solidified; nor set in stone. As we grow older, our experiences start to define us, our identity. And well, from my personal experience, I find that to be really true. I used to sink into depression, thinking "who am I, what defines me" and other things in a similar vein of thought. But now, I find a certain foundation of being within myself, which I am rooted in. My core values, so to speak. And I rest solidly on them, comfortably. Well, if something happens to shake this foundation to the core, who knows what I'll find after the dust settles~

What I've found after the shakings of the past year don't displease me one single bit.

I hate myself. Seeing something I don't particularly agree with but being unable to do anything about it. Feeling filthy from having to weave through so much crap, treading softly and carefully like a coward, then coming out wondering what people will think about me for it.

What makes a good person, anyway? Wanting to do "good" but only actually doing so when reality doesn't obstruct you, or doing what you think is right, regardless of any and all circumstances, without compromise? Ideally I'd like to live out the latter, but I'm too weak, and my flesh bends to reality's will. Unyielding, strong, but perhaps brittle?

Ambiguity FTW.

Life behind masks, facades, holding back; things hidden, even when with those closest to us.
Shedding the layers isn't easy; could even be dangerous, painful at times. I've felt that before; betrayed trust.
And yet when I'm around you guys I think I can forget all that; forget that they're there and just be, just have fun. So yeah, thanks for that.
But alone, when the quiet overwhelms me, I just can't help but wonder; how much of this is true, how much is real.
I think too much, sometimes.

Shooting brings up mixed emotions, now. I could dive into a rant, a perfectly justified one, about current circumstances at the drop of a hat. At the same time; I could feel pretty darn satisfied with what I'm doing.
But the overriding emotion, which grips me the strongest; is just this sense of determination. I'm going to do this properly, MY way. I'm kind of fed up being swept around all the time, being used for I have no idea what.

Life's a blast.

Bye >.<

Christmas at my aunt's house with family. The feeling of warmth and comfort just can't be replicated by anything in this world.

It's strange how bonds of blood; something we rarely ever see in our daily lives connect us so strongly.

On a totally irrelevant sidenote, there are some things, which in the doing just make you more and more tired. You just gotta decide for yourself whether its worth it to carry on >< I'm not in a mood to give up anytime soon though (:

Lemonade

Merry Christmas everyone! Haha my crazy sister got it in her head to make these "Christmas peanuts" from some similar thing with walnuts in this show, so she took some peanut shells, stuffed some random message inside and super-glued the halves together again >.<

Boxing Day (Fail knowledge of holiday nomenclature..) Christmas Eve was pretty ok. Went with Clarissa to deliver some Christmas gifts to our interviewee at Dairy Farm Road. She was really quite late, so luckily I'm very good at amusing myself: I took a walk down Dairy Farm Quarry and saw some animals, a few of which I even recognized! A pair of cute baby long-tailed macaques, a lesser racket-tailed drongo, assorted moths and butterflies and what I think was a variable squirrel which ran right across the trail in front of me. I really enjoyed myself, and found it very peaceful. Something about the coolness of the air, and the natural sounds surrounding me XD.
The only problem was that even after taking my time with the trail, I still finished before she reached...so I stoned on a stone for quite some time.

Talking to Mr Leong was interesting, since you can tell he's really passionate about nature and wanting to preserve it in Singapore. He's very nice too, and gave us a copy of NSS's publication:
Singapore Waters - Unveiling Our Seas, which has a lot of interesting information about our marine biodiversity.

A little disappointing when things don't turn out quite as expected, especially when you so looked forward to it, but that's life I guess haha.

I put a little more effort into organizing the class gathering. I should think I've managed to message the whole class, and most of them have responded already. The turnout rate looks like it's going to be quite good!

Dinner with my family was enjoyable.

That's it! Merry Christmas to all, and really; I feel that so long as we set our minds to something, anything, we'll manage it, somehow. That's what I'm feeling now.

Looking forward to something. I'll probably be disappointed though :/

Training's coming along, with all of its flaws and takeaways. As things are, my gun is insanely stable. However, because I don't feel entirely comfortable with my 动作 atm, i tend to control too much, thus when I trigger, I'm very prone to misfires. When I do well I can do really well though xP Currently, I'm trying to perfect my 动作，really get it nailed down. But apparently that's not the way to go. According to coach, I'm getting too obsessed with the details, making everything too rigid. I'll try letting up a little next time.

I was just talking to a friend about something like hope, and well...in general I think we humans are pretty illogical creatures. In the face of many obstacles and setbacks, when logic dictates that we've done all that we could and that it's now time to turn back; we continue on. We see (or think we see) this tiny speck of light in the darkness, amidst roiling waters, and we direct our efforts to struggle towards it. Even as we're pushed back; we struggle on anyways. And after we push forwards, gasping for breath as we arrive at where we thought we spied that light; only to find that it was an illusion; we struggle somemore, for an even further off speck of hope.

Not all of us are like that, of course. But I don't particularly hate that way of life. One that gives itself direction; and strives with every particle of being. Towards it.

So call me a fool, call me a retard. But I'll do it anyway.

Falling through the gaps in reality; I wonder what that must feel like.

Going out to meet old people in new ways and settings, trying something new. I could take a leaf from TG's book in organizing gatherings XD

Some people worry too much, really...

It's been an amazing weekend.

We had this class outing to ECP yesterday where we rented some bikes and just cycled down the connector to Changi. It was my first time cycling in years; and my first time cycling any significant distance, so it was really enjoyable. Cycling down this long straight road; just pushing at the pedals and feeling yourself move forwards, and the cool wind blowing into your face; is as Amos so aptly put it: just shiok. Cycling with friends was really fun, but to be really honest; I wouldn't mind cycling myself, the shiok feeling doesn't really diminish when alone. The upside is that going with friends really gives me the motivation to go all the way down to ECP; I wouldn't go halfway across Singapore to cycle otherwise XD.

Currently an idea that seems particularly alluring to me is going fishing with a friend or two. Overnight, if possible. Well as Amos was saying, who the friend is really matters as well. Has to be someone you can either talk to all night, or whose company you enjoy without the need to say anything. Mmm.

The chorale concert after that wasn't too bad as well, though some of the songs, especially those in foreign languages got a little boring at times. Jack and myself found the skit put up by P.U.N.C.H to be extremely interesting, thanks to all the lameness injected of course. I'm evidently Yifan's strongest supporter, since noone else was particularly willing to shout out his name as encouragement...made me feel so extra.

We had supper afterwards, then went home.

As a new week starts once more, I get the feeling that the short reprieve has ended; that I'll have to start putting in some work once again, since in comparison to my ever-so-diligent friends, I've done practically nothing at all.

Plans are underway for a class Christmas X New Year celebration, tentatively on 2nd Jan. Probably a barbecue at someone's condo. I'll get around to emailing the e-group sometime, but if by some obscure chance anyone happens to see this, lemme know whether you're available. We need to have more stuff before JC gets started full-swing.

I'm starting to do my homework. It's interesting; bio at least, but I'm developing this headache.

Admiralty park was cool, except for the clouds of flies and mosquitoes trying to suck your blood. I accidentally burst this mosquito biting Sing Yee and his blood splattered on my hand urgh. He's good at spotting stuff, so it was pretty educational and interesting.

I'll be missing training for the next 2 days; I don't particularly mind, I could use the break, R&R and all that.

The hols are slipping away, almost all gone now, I think. Trying to grasp desperately at what's left. Success to be determined.

Drink deeply from the cup of life. I wonder whether I've been doing that. My activities are pretty limited, but I'd like to think I make up for variety with intensity. I probably have much more room to pack stuff in though.

And well, people have been telling me that what I'm doing is pointless; wasting my time, even. If I am just to be a backup, if I don't get to shoot, my efforts could be better devoted elsewhere. But you know what? While it would be cool to shoot, I don't particularly mind if I don't. I see value in what I'm doing. I don't need that competition to validate my efforts. I'm secure in myself enough that it won't affect me.

Too often people place too much emphasis on the results, than on the processes that get you there. I don't agree, especially when it's the process which makes things so enjoyable.

They're my efforts, so please let me decide whether they're worthwhile or not; rather than presume to taint them with your ignorant opinions.

Silence

Just sitting there, mouth flexing ever so slightly, as I deliberate over what to say next. Not for a lack of words, mind you; or things to talk about, either. It's not that I hate you. It's just that...I don't know how to communicate.
Words tumble out of my mouth, and are swallowed, by the poignant silence.
It sucks.

My training regime's working out pretty well; 1.5 hours on pistol, 1.5 hours on rifle. I should probably reach Safra earlier though, to maximize training time.

It feels quite good, to relive being a pistoler, without the pressure of having to perform; as of yet anyway. Without this pressure, I feel released to relearn what I have to, and perhaps to overcome the block I faced last time. I'll have to re-psycho myself pretty soon, if I'm to perform under competition conditions.

Small steps bring me forward on this great journey. And as of now, I'm astride these 2 wonderfully parallel paths. Will they diverge?

It's ironic, really. I spend hours on the com, playing with people I don't even know; yet I barely spend any time with you.

Immersed in Shooting

It's been a little more than 3 days since I got back from Hangzhou and I realize, to my surprise that I've already trained thrice; four times counting that pistol dry firing on Monday.

The trip gave me the much needed momentum to start training, and I have this feeling that this momentum will serve to bring me a long, long way.

Training is awesome. It's calming, as you stand there at your lane, trying to recollect the feeling of the previous shot, and replicate it again. It trains my focus. And most importantly; it's something to do. It disrupts the tedium of holiday life, a life likely spent at home unless I make the effort to go do something meaningful.

I've been getting weird stares, as I draw out first my pistol, then after I'm done, my rifle, for the next detail of training. I'll endeavor to do both; and do well. However, there's always this lingering fear that I'll burn out too fast if I continue at this pace: 2 trainings a day; 1 pistol and 1 rifle. On the bright side; the self-taxation brought about by mental fatigue should technically help me to push my limits further. Time will tell.

On the airplane at night; I look out the window, and trace the constellations visible at a little higher than eye-level. The faint shimmering lines my mind draws between individual stars leads me on to the next star, and the next after that.
Another airplane flies past in the opposite direction; nothing more than a mere blinking light in the starry sky. Blinking in tandem to the lights on my plane's wings. An unlikely coincidence, I'd venture.

Such moments in time; beautiful to the beholder. If only such means existed; such that these moments could be captured perfectly; in their entirety; for this beauty viewed to be shared, as one sees it. Perhaps, if such means existed; the multitude misunderstandings between people could be abolished, conflicts resolved. Cameras; no matter how strong, just don't quite cut it.

Stumbling

I'm a shooter. I know that in alot of things in life, there's no margin for error. One little screwup, one wee twitch as the gun goes off; may just cost you the competition.

Well, things're perfectly fine with shooting, as you're trying to do the exact same thing over and over afterall. Once you've found what works, stick with it and you're all set to go. But what does one do in life, where new things just keep popping up, and sometimes; we just don't know what to do? Fear of making a mistake could result in inaction; but that in itself, could very well be the largest mistake of all. 

Personally, I'd rather commit the error of the former than the latter. While this makes me feel like I'm constantly stumbling through life; and occasionally have to pick myself up from the ground, tending to the wounds I've suffered from a particularly hard fall; at least I'm going somewhere, right? And well, I figure that if you just keep falling forwards, you won't end up too far from your ultimate goal xD

Stumble through life.

Opportunities

You speak of opportunities missed, never to be offered again; as if its an irrevocable loss, one that I'll feel keenly. Now, perhaps I, in my youth won't; can't understand the loss. But can't it be, that this sound of one door slamming shut; is also the sound of another creaking open?

I won't believe that life is as closed as you would make me believe, the past year has showed me that; if nothing more. Doors close; doors open, all part and parcel of this thing called "life". I love you. I respect you. But all I ask, is that I be allowed the latitude of choice; to pick those I wish to step through.
I accept the consequences.

Friends are a treasure.

Went for a double-outing today: an hour or so at Vivo with some psers and the better part of the day with Sarah, Roxanne, Yifan, Angela, Jack and Joo Gian.

Hanging out with the psers was pretty cool; we just sat there spinning our pens. My level of enthusiasm isn't nearly as high as the rest, but it was fun nonetheless.

For our class outing, we went to this magic show at the ACM; then had some Mexican dinner beside the river before going home. The in-between, while glossed over, was fun, retarded, and consisted of way too much suaning on my part. I shall have to tone down :S


You know, sometimes when I just don't seek people's opinion, it's cause I pretty much already know what they'll say. Nothing new offered, so why bother? I'm being more than abit unfair here; but that's the liberty of youth, methinks. Sweeping statements aplenty.

I'm back

After spending the past 4 hours or so catching up on my back-logged manga, I'm now gonna post about my trip.

In one line: It was one of opportunities; many of which I took up, some of which I missed out upon.

Training my shooting there; under 陈教练 really gave me a new perspective on shooting; and I'm further motivated to put even more into it. Seeing the way they train in China really let me learn how inadequate my trainings up till now have been. I've learnt that it's not just about the training hours, it's also about the quality of the training. Even beyond that, I actually got to experience it for myself, which is a whole different ballgame. 陈教练's insights really helped me with the difficulties I've had with my shooting. While these problems haven't been entirely solved, I now feel equipped to deal with them. I'm confident that I'll be able to do well and further improve in future trainings.

Since most of us who went were from the RI shooting team, I got the chance to interact a lot more with my juniors, and in a different capacity than when I was a Sec 4 senior. It's comforting to see how they have come into their own (without much thanks to us seniors I must add). Their distinctly boys-only school brand of retardedness was relaxing in a way, and pretty darn awesome.

It's been a pretty cool trip, got to try out the small-bore rifle as well as archery. Talking to some of the shooters there was an educational experience as well; and not only about shooting mmm. I've picked up some magic tricks; can't wait to try them out.

There's been a lot of food for thought, which I shall take my time to digest. Perhaps I'll share some of the end products later.

Now, for a few hours of sleep before my psing meeting. Hope I can make it for that class outing as well~

*As you approach Singapore city, the lights of the many buildings sparkle; illuminate the night sky, as if to welcome you home; after a long, long journey. Singapore's beautiful; it's home. And I was thinking: I know how Odysseus must've felt, as he was swept away from Ithaca; within sight of shore*

Leaving...on a jetplane :D

Leaving for Hangzhou from the 30th to the 11th.

Of depatures, arrivals, loss, shoots and...a quest for badges?!

A friend left Singapore yesterday. We chatted a little. Well, many have been flying off left right center. Hope they have safe & fun trips.

My parents arrived back in Singapore yesterday as well; after an expensive, harried romp around Europe. Kinda missed them while they were gone, but things're back to normal now. Well, now I've got a new wallet (green), new belt and erm...coin pouch as the by-products of their spree. Thanks!

When I arrived at Safra for the internal shoot; imagine my horror when I discovered that my pellet case had gone missing. I emptied the cupboard; no luck. Asking around also yielded no results. And now I shall have to go off to Hangzhou without it. Sucks.

The results of the shoot: 534 were disappointing, but just like last week's one, I really learnt a lot. Idk why, but when I shoot many individual shots, in a row, I can really feel it. It isn't really experimenting per se, but as I go through the shoot, I try different methods to achieve the same result. Like I try just keeping the general feeling of the energy distribution constant, or try just focusing on my left arm and so on. Through this, I can really find out which one works most for me, and what I shoot kind of helps me to verify that. So fer instance, I now know what it feels like to relax my body entirely. And I didn't know that previously. So that's good.

Spent time packing for the trip today, with loads of help from my uncle and grandma.

2nd internal shoot tomorrow. I...haven't been training that much this week; coupled with some recent problems, I can only do my best :S

I asked coach wrt to changing my 动作 but he advised against doing so, though he'll let me give it a try if I really want to. It's frustrating how much these little things bother me so...

"Class" outing today, participation wasn't anywhere near stellar, but I guess that's to be expected. Met yifan and amos in school to play frisbee; and the most embarassing wardrobe malfunction occurred. My pants split. T.T
yifan irritated me to no end, then had to go home before we managed to even do anything. Meh.

Lanning with amos, mervyn and jack (who joined us at 4-ish) really helped me scratch this itch I've been having since way back. We had dinner at Astons after that (my first time). It's really good and affordable.

It was fun overall, despite the occasional bumps. I'm really looking forward to the over-night cycling which amos and jack've promised to organize. Mmm.

Aside, dreams in the same vein have been plaguing me lately. I'd better straighten up my idea X.X

“Success can burn up the person who achieves it. Excellence usually feeds whoever works hard to acquire it.”

                                                                                                                                                     Thomas Boswell

 Shamelessly ripped from Mr Koh's feedback. 

Thanks for giving so much, so freely to us undeserving students. Friends from other classes talk about how horrible other teachers can be, and I can only feel blessed(?) to have had you as ours.

Out in the rain

Standing in the rain; in my courtyard, totally drenched as droplets of water fell on me. It was cold. And yet, it felt like nothing I did would impinge upon the outside world. It was for myself. It was liberating.

Pistoler?

I got rejected for the external H3 I applied for. Don't think I'll be appealing.

I'll shoot pistol if I have to, but I won't like it.

It's funny. I started off this thing 5 years ago, a rifle shooter. After around 1/2 a year, coach got me to switch to pistol, which I shot for the next 4 years. There were ups and downs; and I never really did perform exceptionally. However, I was determined to overcome my problems and excel in it. That's why I continued with this sport in RJ after all. Then the unthinkable happened: For multifarious reasons that do not bear mentioning; I changed to rifle. I decided then, that I'd give it my all, but had reservations about it, and felt that "I could never love it as much as I did pistol". I even harbored thoughts of switching back to pistol after I graduated. But over the months since then; I've grown attached to this event, and my past career as a pistoler seems all so distant. I was satisfied. In fact, I still am. I've grown used to this event, and actually enjoy doing all that I can to improve in it. I want to reach 600, eventually.

So when coach asked me to pick up the pistol again, to shore up the boy's team if need be, I was understandably reluctant. But I still did it anyway, since that's probably my duty I guess. I accept that. And when I picked up the gun, all those challenges I had faced came back. And I'm unprepared to face them. I have to admit; I'm no longer a pistol shooter; the relevant muscles have degenerated from lack of use and my mental aspect is sorely lacking. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to go through with this, but I know that going in with this kind of mindset is the wrong thing to do. So I'll just give it my best whenever I'm doing it, train diligently. but I'm not going to pressure myself. That's all I can promise.

Drop off the face of the world why don't you...

Training both pistol and rifle's an intriguing thought, but idk whether I'll be able to handle it. I'll try for now.

Biggest house lizard I've ever seen. Finger for comparison.

Fire in the Range

Yep, I started off this post with a horrible pun; perhaps you'll have realized that once you're done reading it.

Woke up at 12.45, after staying up to read Smash! and The Swarm (which is a totally worthwhile read; a little more than 800 pages jampacked with pure unadulterated awesome).

After some lazing around, I left for Safra to prepare for the internal shoot. With much time to spare till the shoot at 7.30, I took a large detour, strolling around Yishun Central, and looking at those awesome little fish shops there. And that's when I saw this: 

  

Perhaps its a little unclear; probably cause its from my puny 5 mp handphone. Does this help?

The darn thing has TWO heads. I kid you not, its the real McCoy. It can be found in this fish shop opposite Khoo Teck Puat Hospital; and is on sale for a cool $8,888. Amazing. As a bio student, I really wonder how it functions like that. Do they share control of each body part? Or does each control one side? Or is one just a dummy? It looked pretty alert to me. Really intriguing either way; that little detour was really fruitful I'd say.

Next up was the internal shoot. I shot 550, a personal best. I'll do better next time, of course. Today didn't even feel that good: I couldn't really find out the 感觉 to shoot a 10 for the first 30 or so shots, and in fact; I was a little panicked during my third series; no 10s were coming out, and I eventually shot an 8, resulting in my lowest series of the day: 89. I was really having trouble with my 瞄扣配合. The takeaway I had, was to relax completely, and to not even think about controlling the gun to get it to enter the 瞄区, and to "separate" my sight from my actions in a sense. While I allow my eye to look through the sights at the target, I cannot try to get the sight to align if it by using any force. Just let it sway naturally; and fire at the right moment. Sounds easy; or even confusing to those that don't know what I'm talking about, but honestly, its not. It's funny, really. While I've been trying to do this in training, and coach keeps on nagging at me; it was only through this actual competition condition that I was able to actually feel it for myself. I think in a way, this internal shoot was more productive for me than the past 2 weeks of training. Strange.

Now, it's time to explain the pun. As I was returning my gun to the armory, Jau Tung came out of it, saying: "There's a fire" Now, he was so dead-pan when saying it that as I stepped in to return my gun; although I noticed the smoke and the smell of burning...stuff, I just attributed it to the machinery. I took awhile to realize; that a fire had started. Wow. The wiring had overheated, and sparked into a fire; which burned a hole in the projector screen. It's the first time I've ever seen this kind of thing, and fortunately it was extinguished soon after, leaving this smog hanging about the range. You know; I frequently joke that in case of an emergency, us rifler's would be doomed, as it'd be nigh impossible to escape in our cumbersome suits. Go figure.

So yeah, Fire in the Range. Cause you know, shooters fire at the targets, and well, ^ this fire.

Tonight's full moon is beautiful.

Seems like the internet's crashing; or the manga hosting sites at least. So many loading errors from MangaFox, MangaReader and even TenManga. Only the chinese site seems to be stable. Life has lost a little colour -.-

Internal Shoot today; and I didn't go to train yesterday. Wonder how I'll do? Results are secondary, of course, it's the process that matters. Sucky cliche, je sais.

A spectrum of diverging similarities; particles moving through space and time, each unique.

The last day of school, was pretty much like the second last day, and the one before that. I overslept, rushed over to school, caught the Econs video; we were released early, then played basketball as a class. We had quite a good game today, though I failed at scoring; while Jack switched on his aimbot (I really have to ask him where he got it from). Bio lec after that, by what has to be either the best, or the most spastic lecturer ever. Opinions're divided. He's obsessed with spiderman, and has this sadistic exercise where he sets a time limit for copying. I'm faster now, since I decided to just jot down key points. I actually grasp bio now, and its pretty interesting. Perhaps molec bio will be something like this?

Lunch at S11 ($) followed by frozen yogurt at Marble Slab Creamery. Went home, slacked and went off to train, amidst the pouring rain, holding this huge umbrella that boomed.

Shot an astounding total of 5 shots for training, with >1 hour spent on dry-firing to try to get my position right. Coach eventually helped me to install sight-raisers, which I'd wanted from the start, and gave me a belt as well; as my pants were...well...too loose XP Tomorrow will be awesome, I swear. I get frustrated too easily, guess I have to realize where things stand currently; take that as a starting point and work from there. While you may aim for the stars, AND hit the moon in the process; you don't get there with fairy dust and wishes do you?

There must be many tool-less mechanics out there; as many a wrench hath been thrown into my plans. Wanted to go to BTNR today morning with Sing Yee, but abrasions from basketball kind of hinder my walking - I'm now waddling like a duck - so no luck there. The rest of the guys aren't really keen on going out tomorrow, can't blame them as they're pretty busy and Tuesday's plans have gone up in smoke as well. Haix, I want to DO something, and it seems like I'm the only bo liao person around. I could train 3x a day but I do think that'd be going a little too far. Proactivity seems to be the keyword of the hour.

End of Narrative Account

As Amos put it; it can't really be called the last day of school per se. JC is just one long string of 2 years; but is it so bad to want to steal a break from this month and a half?

Kang Yan's birthday today. I think I actually got her a present for what might be the first time ever. Wonder what that says about me as an elder brother...the lucky bugger got 3 cakes and this gigantic jelly which she flaunted on fb...

Missed training for the 3rd day in a row. I just so tired that I couldn't bear to drag myself to Yishun after getting home. I'll just have to inject some momentum starting today. I think another reason is that I wanted to distance myself from Monday's dismal training; really lost my compose after being unable to visually focus on the target card properly - My vision just went blurry after a few seconds - and some problems with the 瞄扣意识 process that coach wants us to do. Well, 600s my ultimate, if a bit unrealistic aim, so I'll just have to work towards it.

Last day of school Last few hours of school are approaching rapidly, and I guess just like all other J1s out there, its been a fast year, it really passed in the blink of an eye. Perhaps, it is as some suggest; that its because so many things happened within this one year. But whatever it is, next year will be even faster.

To grasp hold of time, and wring out every last dreg of potential in it, is exactly what I plan to do, starting now. Rather than wondering whether this life of mine has an inherent meaning waiting to be discovered, or whether I'll have to inject meaning myself; sitting here's not going to do anything.

Off I go.

Whole day spent doing absolutely nothing. Awesum!

What makes a person good? Thinking about doing bad stuff but choosing not to do it, or not thinking about doing bad stuff at all?

The latter's really just innocence IMO, not real goodness. Of course, if the former only happens due to fear of repercussions, it's not really good is it?

Walking alone really gives me the chance for introspection; for my thoughts to roam free. And while I've often remained content to allow them free reign within my head; to romp around, unrestrained; always I've been afraid to let them out, lest these fragile, delicate thoughts of mine break and shatter, after leaving the protective greenhouse of my mind. Where they'll be exposed to the withering sun and drowning rain, of people, who just won't listen.

But I've decided to take a chance, with this as an intermediate medium of sorts; to let them out of the greenhouse, and see, whether they have a shot at survival.

A fulfilling romp as always; leaves me feeling rested and refreshed, feeling that I can take on the world, and everything it has to throw at me; that my heart is large enough to take in anything, and everything, any number of tens, or zeroes, it matters not. But the real world soon drags the feeling away, as the banalities of reality push this feeling away, and I sink back into life. Till next time~

No point

At first there was nothing.
Then a point appeared. It had no size, no volume, no magnitude; just a point in space, nothing special, nothing great, almost nothing at all, to be honest.
But it had one thing. The ambition, the drive, to be something more than it currently was, to let the universe know of its presence.
It looked at the stars -wait, no, not looked- It sensed the stars shining, basking in the light from those tiny pinpricks many lightyears distant and wondered; as much as any point could wander: Little points in space, just like (me) how is it that they shine so brightly; to pierce this void?
And the stars twinkled as if in reply: We shine; for ourselves, we shine so bright, consuming ourselves, we light the sky.
Then it knew, the point did. And it grew, gaining volume, gathering particles, a coming-together of points; and ignited; an iridescent ball it now was.
It exulted in its glory; throwing its rays to the furthest reaches of space, freely, and without a thought.
And then it was spent; burnt out, and it collapsed, into nothing.

A point in space; lonely, wondering, at the light of star, lightyears away; long burnt out.

And after 6 hours of sleep, I've finally recovered from that awesome sleepover of a class party. Now, I'm not into recounts of past events, so you're out of luck. Lanning from 1 to 5, karaoke, guitar hero, night swimming and "ultimate ball", mahjong, saboteur, truth or dare, sleeping at 6 to wake up at 9, then napping till 12. Random acts of gayness witnessed and partaken in. Mmm.
Not to be negative, but I realize I'm a talentless loser. I'll try to overcome that somehow. I've taken to drawing; trying a new method to do so: Visualize the image and superimpose it upon the paper, and just trace from there. Not too successful atm, but perhaps I'll improve with time.

Now, I haven't done justice to the experience, but I don't really feel up to it, so maybe later. Now onto shooting. The head, focus on the back, simple, really. I want to perfect my action, though. 600's my goal, my ultimate destination. Coach wants me to come up with a cohesive thought process for my shooting. Makes enough sense, I'll work on it in future trainings. Focus on making that action perfect during dry-fire and grouping, thought process during ti hui.

Signing out.

And...it's over.

Now I know the value of practice, of giving your all into practicing for a speech. Perhaps...that's the reason why...that thing happened. I must've practiced >20 times on Sunday. Shouting at the catfish, at the greenery, while waiting for the rest to get to school at 8.30 in the morning, practicing in front of the mirror in the toilet, during our actual rehearsal, stopping at random intervals after we disbanded while walking out of school to stand there for 5 minutes to read it out. And even on the way home, and well into the night, with the glare of my dad's video camera blinding my eyes. When you want something enough, you've gotta do all you can for it.

And the class party after that. Not bad at all. After lunch, we left the girls and merv behind to go lanning. Took 1.45 mins to complete that first level of L4D2, dying a total of 11 times. My, that last stage with the car was just...saddening. After that, we rejoined to group, and went to watch "the social network". An awesome movie, but a bit too emotive for something that's purported to be a "documentary" of sorts. Dinner after that, and I realized I blew 21.20 in the course of one day. Kinda worth the money, though I feel like an ass saying that, seeing that it's not my ka-ching I'm spending.

I'll miss group meetings I think, and I can't help but wonder whether I'll ever talk to my (ex?)group-mates again. Well, time will tell.

Somehow, I can't get my heart back into shooting just as yet. The inertia's really taken hold of me. Man, I just want to laze around all day >.< But I'll be back soon enough. Just give me a little time.

I'll miss you~

It feels like something should be said; that there's some kind of lesson to be learnt from all this. But I just can't put it into words. Or maybe I just can't be bothered.

OP...oh why do you bother me so -.-

I was left feeling pretty emotional after yet another one of Mr Koh's "sessions" I guess I'd call them. Probably the last one. Listening to those 2 groups speak, I can't say whether I felt inspired or humbled. Not that I was arrogant about my speaking abilities; I never was, but they left me feeling that the effort I'd put in was little, that this little scrap of paper that I was clinging to was just pathetic. I don't really know what to say.

I need to shoot some stuff. SOON.

Other than that, the past few days of chionging stuff has been pretty fun I'd say, but that's probably just me XD

I've been in a dark mood of late. Idk why, really. Seems like all the unresolved stuff of late are rising out of the murky depths of my mind to pester me again. They're getting a lil' tough to banish :/

Sorry, but I'm just tired, you know?

Everyone is, I can see that. But I don't know, by keeping it bottled up inside, by keeping my cool, by trying to be understanding, I'm just becoming more and more stressed. Too stressed, in fact, to write out a well-reasoned post.

So here, I shall stop.

Tolerance is not equal to acceptance. Never, ever forget that.

Lemme qualify that. While you may tolerate circumstances outside your control, humans have a tendency; an annoying one, to eventually come to accept those circumstances and get used to them. No change will ever come out of that.

SO, I REPEAT. TOLERATE, NOT ACCEPT.

Aside, I'd like to commend Jack & Co. (sounds totally like Fish & Co IKR?) for a job well done with ConserveCert today yesterday. Even though the turnout rate was less than desirable, you guys did a GREAT job! *CLAPS*

And now I see that you were there; when at first I didn't care~

Our perceptions are heavily colored by our momentary interests, and that's the plain truth.

Pissed

You know what? I'm perfectly aware of how to make use of my current action, even if it IS crappy.
But please don't tell me that you aren't going to help make it better, cause I'd be really disappointed if you did.
I'm doing this to get better; even better, not just to learn how to make use of this lousy action I have.
Don't let me down.

It's quite sad how other groups can be meeting up to prepare for OP while mine is nowhere to be seen and I end up loitering in the library. Hope the same thing doesn't happen tomorrow..

Preparations for IHC are going well, largely due to the anal retentive nature of a certain member. Not that its bad or anything, just a little frightening.

Training went well. I'm not using my inner vest anymore, so it's much easier to relax my arm while bringing the gun close to my body. However, this made things a little cramped and unnatural, so I still ended up controlling the gun quite a lot during my 50 shot grouping, and the shoulder piece kept sliding upwards. Got coach to adjust it for me, so now at least THAT'S taken care of. It's been bugging me for awhile now.Also made some adjustments to the rear sight positioning and so on. My body which felt so cramped at first now feels so released ~ My ti hui were so much better, and really easier to shoot. Awesum.

-Stop thinking bout things that'll never happen, cause they never will, if you get my drift-

Went to BTNR with Clarissa today morning. Not a bad trip, we saw a colugo (that's a flying lemur for you ignorant guys out there), a rare find by all accounts, especially since its a nocturnal animal. Also saw a pair of drongos, either mating or competing for territory, not sure which. They flew right over our heads, a little hard to miss, right? Spied some squirrels in the distance, but they were really really tiny, really only a streak in the foliage. A rustling of leaves led us to some lizard (an iguana?) and I terrorized a spiny tortoise into hiding. Saw quite a few cross spiders; what's really cool about them is how they keep their legs in pairs, so they look like a cross. So yeah, I saw this one which seemed to be wrapping some poor prey up in silk, as well as this large, gross one, which I somehow scared out of its web :/

The real pity is that Clarissa's puny digicam couldn't really capture them nicely, so that's kinda sad.

Took a direct bus to yishun after that; slept all the way there XD Trained without my inner vest on as I had difficulty bending my left arm properly; a little too fat, thus the strain was too much. Works for me, I guess, but I still have to work on relaxing my left arm and control it less. The left-right discrepancy is horrible...I paved the way today, so now I've just gotta work on it diligently!

And I realized that I seem to have grown since I got my suit. The proof? Originally, without my inner vest, the suit was a little loose around the shoulders, but now its a perfect fit. Haix, hope I don't outgrow it. (But maybe this explains my weight gain? XD)

I realize that I'm constantly suppressing myself; too many times something happens, and there I am ranting away in my head but in the end I keep these (perfectly valid I must add) to myself, out of a desire to not add more fuel to the fire. But I wonder; in doing so, am I making myself less of a person? In doing so, am I putting myself at a disadvantage?


Whatever it may be, that's the way I do things, for good or for worse. So if you really know me; don't just assume that because I say nothing that I'm perfectly happy, 'kay? XD

Small people in a small world

Been wanting to post for awhile now, but dota's been keeping me occupied. So now that all the rooms're full, there's a little time to spare for this.

THE PROMOS ARE OVER! Surprising elation even though I didn't spend much time preparing for it. Went out with the class after chem to celebrate; lunch, lanning and whatnot. L4D2 is surprisingly engaging.

And so it begins

Predictably, a post about the prelims promos. Not-so-predictability, the putting down of a checklist of sorts:
GP:

1. Personal and style
2. Having a stand
3. Organization of ideas
4. Examples
5. Language and grammar

That's 'bout it for the essay I guess. I'm not too worried 'bout Paper 2 as I seem to do pretty decently with that (I have a foreboding feeling about that statement though argh). I lack much of them, but there's no time, so bleh, just whack it..

I get the feeling I'm going to pay for the past few days (and weeks?) of debauchery but well...the me in the short term doesn't really care. Idk about the me in the future though. Sorry, future me, you're gonna pay for my mistakes, oh yes you will. :D

Shoot the Moon

Taking things surprisingly easy right now. I wonder...

Stuff

Stuff's happened in the past 16 days, I'm now 17, my gun broke down, I rented a Safra gun for the first time, and now, I've got a new one. 709461. Awesome. And well, the general trend's been pretty upward, though that's only if you look at it like in an econs case study. It's been a bumpy ride. Shooting-wise, I'm doing pretty well. Action's starting to solidify and my mental's getting stronger if I do say so myself. Acads-wise...hehe let's just say I'm hoping the promos won't be a total joke.

And...PW. I could write an entire essay, probably more on PW and stuff that I've learnt. Tolerance, how to suck it and well..other things. Wrapping up the WR is no mean task, well we've just got to see how we can manage it.

97 =) a little superficial, perhaps, but it proves i've shattered another wall, another ceiling. Now it's time to go on up.

Expunge the metaphysical aspect. Don't think so much about the "feeling", the "distribution of energy" and other abstract stuff. Nail it down to reality, the 4 core "principles" which coach just keeps on emphasizing. It works! Now to train my will, to be resolute and as hard as steel.

It's intriguing how things can seem so different after a mere 24 hours. Does the upswing really come that fast? Or is it just dependent on this mercurial mood of mine? Who knows.

The same starting point, all those years back.
But now I'm staring at your backs.
And can't help but wonder,
what is it that's been holding me back.
I'd rather it be lack of motivation, lack of drive, than the lack of talent, that I must deny.
And so I train and run, train and chase
To prove that I have, what it takes.
-Me

The beauty the eye beholds; which the camera can but dream of capturing.
Never to be mine alone.

If I were to express all my thoughts here, it'd fill up the whole page. Things're just that messy, just that convoluted, just that diverse. It's complicated. The hopes and aspirations I have with shooting, juxtaposed with the reality of things as they stand right now; the multitude of problems with PW as we've chosen a rocky path, which we find ourselves unable to complete coupled with the issue of directing a group of diverse personalities who aren't fantastic at working together to complete a task which just seems to grow in magnitude with every passing moment. The upcoming promos and the realization that I don't have it in me to push myself to a higher gear to face it in good stead. The inevitable reality that I'll have to cut down on training to start taking hold of my life; its spiraling out of control, headed in a direction I don't think is good at all. The uncertainty in interactions, the wondering, the loneliness, the fear of rejection, the appreciation of reliable friends. The above and more, all mixed into one package, all messed up, interlacing, tugging upon each other and getting hopelessly tangled up in my head. Tough.

Possibly because of this, I find that my emotions've been on a short leash of late. I get frustrated really easily, and despite my efforts to prevent it, it shows, especially at times when I can't afford for it to. I find my mind drifting ever so often to the "dark" side, falling into dark moods, thinking the worst of a situation, getting pissed off. I want control back, dammit!

When the heart's just not in it, don't expect the body to follow.

YOG shooting, truly inspirational. I now aspire to shoot in a finals one day. Wonder whether I'll ever make it >.<

不要明知故犯。If you can feel something wrong, or the 指向 is off from the start; put the gun gun, don't force it into place. 对动作过程的要求要更加严格。Only then will I be able to get the consistency of my actions right and avoid shooting 远弹 and rise to the next level of "existence".

Weiqi-filled day of AWESOME!

I participated in the Super Go Youth Challenge 2010 today and faced roughly 6 hours of unabated weiqi-ness, and yes, I know that's not even a word. I ended up playing 7 rounds, which is roughly 3x the total number of games I had ever played up till today. Entering as a novice in all senses of the words, I'm pretty lucky I didn't get devoured by all the "sharks" out there. I ended up winning 4 rounds out of the 7, which is a pretty commendable achievement if I must say so myself. But besides the scores, I've taken back a lot out of this experience.

During normal trainings, I'm usually very hesitant to place my seeds, as I'm afraid of making the wrong move, and constantly feel the need to check with the coach and the more experienced players as to their validity. This notion was thrown out of my head the moment my first match begins. Facing a ruthless opponent who's only desire is to cut your pieces apart and gobble you whole, you can't help but have more confidence in your moves, and to maintain your composure even when you're having a hard time withstanding the onslaught.

I also learned to maintain my focus. Blunders occur; that's a fact of life. It's what you do after the blunder, whether you're able to recollect yourself after that blunder and gear yourself towards salvaging the solution that determines victory or defeat. This happened to me several times. After making a mistake that cost me a corner, I had to retain my focus and composure and fight to the bitter end, eventually edging out my opponent to win me the game by a small margin. If I had resigned myself earlier, I would definitely not have been able to salvage the game.

Keep your pieces connected. Another important lesson, learned through several painful mistakes. sometimes a false eye just isn't going to cut it, and getting cut at a vital spot due to a moment's oversight can be a really painful experience indeed. In fact, this is what cost me victory in the last round, and my shot at an 8th place medal. So, don't make big moves, don't rush in brashly, and remember to keep those pieces connected. Only then will there be a solid framework to mount an attack from.

Since we were playing on the 13x13 board, the area is much smaller, and thus I realized the importance of capturing and securing the sides before fighting for the center area. However, this perception was violently challenged in my 6th game by a canny opponent who managed to push my lines to the side and capture the center. It was only through a stroke of inspiration that I managed to plant a group in his area that survived, thus giving me enough territory to win, albeit by a relatively small margin. It was a close game that really tested my composure and mental stamina.

Overall, I'm proud of my showing at the competition, since all the other competitors were part of the Singapore Weiqi Association Youth Connection and had significantly more support and experience. Although my first set was messy, I really learned from it and edged to victory in the second after my opponent missed something. I then dominated the flow in the third, only to lose in the fourth after a weak opening coupled with a series of bad decision. The fifth was a desperate scramble for territory which I just barely won, and the sixth was a mentally taxing battle of wits, where my opponent managed to bag some territory for himself and then proceeded to mount an admirable attack on mine. I held firm at the right and managed to take advantage of an oversight on his part to repel the attack, but succumbed to an attack on the bottom left corner, and missed out an attack on my left, thus causing me to lose by 8 moku. A pity, really.

These 7 games gave me lots of experience, and have made me more confident in myself. Though I know I've got a long way to go, I now know that not all players are like Miss Cho, a seemingly unshakable and infallible robot of a player. They make mistakes, just as I do, and if I'm alert, I'm able to capitalize on them to take the game. It's been a fun, fruitful and educational day.


As a side note, I suspect melancholy is creeping up on me. I don't know whether it's the loneliness, or the sense of disconnect and distance between myself and those around me, Should I ignore it? Perhaps it'll go away

PW's cropping up, and it seems like things're in shambles. Vague concepts which I can barely grasp, which Mr Koh keep talking about, just confuse me, and drive me further into desperation. It is at these times I see what kind of person I am, and oh my, I don't like myself one bit. When faced with adversity, the fight-or-flight response is only natural. Thus when driven into a corner, when the latter is taken out of the equation, taking up the former might seem to be intuitive to most. I am not one of them. I have come to realize that when driven into a corner, I try to fight. I try, but not with my best efforts. After that feeble effort, I just turn inwards, ignoring the source of adversity to the best of my ability. This disgusts me, but I don't really know what I can do about it. Fight?

Shooting posture's changed slightly, now I've gotta stand with my legs spread wider, and draw back my hip more. I can't really find where my elbow's supposed to go that well as of yet, and that's been giving me some trouble. But I realized that I don't have to get the location exactly right, just about there's good enough. If the alignment's off, just put the gun down and do it all over again. Patience's the operative word here xD. 3 phases after raising the gun: adjusting elbow positioning and basic body stability, then the phase before the cheek down action, where I put my cheek on the rest but don't go down fully. Feel that my left arm is straight and relaxed, and that my right shoulder's relaxed too. General feeling of body stability should be present too. After that, cheek down fully, while making sure that that feeling is unaffected, and that energy distribution isn't disturbed. Check alignment. Re-do if it's off. Just concentrate on that feeling and the awareness of the "energy" as I trigger.

And everything just goes round and round, round and round, up and down, up and down
And I can't help but wonder
Has anything really changed? 

Flying Blind

Sick, confused and feeling shitty. Not the best ingredients for a happy meal out there. But I'll make do.

Every step forward in shooting comes with great amounts of effort; I'm starting to feel the pain building up in my wrist, the dull ache in the small of my back, and the occasional muscle spasms in my left arm. And yet I persist. It makes me wonder, why do I do so? and I really have no answer.

And of life in general, what am I doing? What do I want? Such simple questions which I cant even begin to answer. 

So many things impinging upon my happy zone, work, shooting, people, miscellaneous stuff, and they really make me question, make me wonder: Is happiness a state of mind, or just a feeling? I've always believed in the former, but these things are making it really hard to do so. These things tug inexorably upon my heartstrings, and no matter how hard I try to divorce them, it's an uphill task.

And we set out with so much conviction,
the flame burning brightly in our eyes.
But the print're barely cold,
the journey's barely begun,
And doubt's clouded our vision,
the flame's reduced to embers,
Is this all we had within us?