And it's over. 24km that seemed like it'd never end, each interval seeming much longer than Lt Kai Xun said it was, as left foot followed right foot, and right foot followed left foot, one in front of the other, legs extending, for minutes that stretched into hours. It wasn't so bad initially, while we were still relatively fresh.

And I say "relatively fresh" for two reasons, the first being that my sleep the previous night was disrupted on two separate occasions, firstly waking up to a trickle, something cold and wet on my left cheek, and instinctively reaching to feel it with my right hand, only to find that it had been layered with toothpaste. Getting up in a blur, and seeing some dark forms in our bunk, which resolved into the faces of one J L TAN and someone else after I had fumbled for and subsequently put on my specs. Grumpy and pissed; who wouldn't be, getting woken up in the middle of the night by such bullshit, and having felt decidedly unwell the day before too.., I got up, confronted him, and found myself smearing the remainder of the toothpaste on my hand over his face, before going to wash up and getting back into bed. Next, waking up again, to shouting in our bunk, and groggily feeling a burning sensation on my thighs. Toothpaste once more, this time by some Platoon 3 jokers who'd come up to cause havoc, messing up shoes, spamming powder. It was an uneasy night. The second being having to do area cleaning repeatedly, up to our PS' standards, while the rest of the platoons napped.

But as we marched on, it seemed to take forever to reach the next rest point, which seemed to require an inordinately large number of steps. As the night stretched on, it became a battle of wills against the Zzz monster; to not succumb whilst marching, and also while resting as well, as it'd be so much harder to resume marching if we were to fall asleep. There were stretches where I just kept mum, looked downwards at the boots of the guy in front of me with half-lidded eyes and walked; kept only on the brink of consciousness by Darren talking to Jonathan about his dating experiences at ECP and such stuff. I don't quite know what it was that kept me from falling out; fatigue had accumulated, and I'd been suffering from a cold as well, so not exactly at my optimum condition. Abrasions starting to appear despite the Leukoplast Kai Chin could spare me, and muscle ache as lactic acid built up faster than my legs could clear. So sleepy, bloody sleepy and tired that I just wanted to lie there and do nothing, hugging my rifle and leaning against my fieldpack. And yet each time Lt Kai Xun barked the command "Everything on!" that's precisely what I'd do. Not as fast as I could have been, perhaps, but I still did it. A matter of pride, perhaps, of wanting to complete the whole BMT package, and not having to suffer the embarrassment of telling my parents not to go down to the platform cause I fell out during the march. Or maybe I was inspired by everyone around me; encouraged by the fact that everyone was going through the same thing, yet were not about to fall out. John, who was unwell during the 8km segment yet downed some Panadol and resumed the march, and Zhan Xiong, who was on Attend B
yet came down of his own accord to join us during the Changi Coast Road segment.


The CBD, Singapore Flyer and MBS all contributed to an awesome skyline view, especially from the Garden by the Bay area. It all contributed to a visible lifting of spirits towards the end, where we had seemingly broken through the tiredness and lack of sleep and were looking forward to finally reaching our destination. It was damn irritating though, how the Flyer would seem so close, yet we'd turn away from it and march one big round, or how the Sheares Bridge seemed to be moving ever further away from us haha.

It was quite an ecstatic moment, as I flung my jockey camp into the air, though tempered by having to trace its trajectory through the air to catch it, put it on and resume senandiri position once more, to wait for my parents to pick me up. The reminder, I guess, that BMT is/was only the beginning of this SAF journey ><

A week of leave I have to myself though, a week as a civilian; though graced not only with all the freedom a civilian enjoys but also faced with the realities of outside life, having to prepare for my interview and admission test this week :/

Oh and about the tag in the pic, it's an inside joke xP

Wonder how many were put off by the word wall hahaha. I never expected I'd write so much during just 2 shifts of guard duty, to be honest. Thinking it through though, I realize how strongly I stick to the principle of thesis, followed by anti-thesis, followed by synthesis. It hounds my thoughts, governing them, like dogs held to a leash, or perhaps more positively, like horses harnessed to a carriage, giving their wild energy direction and guidance.

It's strange. We go through school thinking that everything is pointless; just for show, yet come out with such habits of thought ingrained so deeply within us, ingrained so deeply that we don't even realize it. And perhaps that's the true value of a top class education. Prestige of going to a top school aside, it's the very deliberate process of drilling such thought patterns into our minds that we truly benefit from, allowing us to benefit from a macroscopic point of view!

Views from the Sentry Post

Just going to type out what I spent my hours at that sentry post working on; during my unfortunate guard shift. It's pretty lengthy, and in unedited form, with parts written as I struggled to remain conscious, so I don't expect anyone to read it in its entirety, or for it to be a good read. Call this a temporary escape from reality, with that blasted portfolio to prepare.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

310312  1822

The sight of birds, hundreds of birds, perched on the roof, beaks to the four poles. These birds lifting off simultaneously, coalescing in a feathery cloud, frantic flapping. It wheels and cavorts in the air, joyously, gracefully, and effortlessly, making its rounds around the spires of the cable antenna, wending through the rooftops, to settle down once again. An airshow exclusive; for my eyes alone.

An ant, impressive once more, strength concealed within its fragile frame, hoisting a winged creature of some sort with its jaws alone, not constrained merely to the horizontal but traveling along the vertical as well, making its gravity-defying way up along the guard house window frame. But with its frame so slight, and the corpse it bears (for it is a corpse, surely) so wispy, maybe its not such a herculean feat afterall.

A spider; an odd-looking one, more so than any I've seen before; not that that says much honestly, skitters across uncharted land. It pauses, occasionally, or maybe frequently, I know not. But even as it pauses, its mandibles work incessantly, moving in frenetic manner, one moment towards what I must presume is its mouth, the next, extending to touch that which it treads upon. What is it doing? I wonder. The movements look a little too deliberate, if a non-sapient creature could ever be accused of being deliberate, to not have a meaning behind them. Setting the foundations for a web, perhaps. And behold, the right foremost limb decides now, to partake in this most curious of activities as well. And yet, as it moves on, continuing its journey, there is no thread.

Why? Why do we use words such as journey? An implied beginning, middle and end; and if not end, then at least an intended destination, for I speak of course, of journeys that never reach completion. A meaning attributed where perhaps whence there was none. Over-compensation, perhaps, like how the deprived adolescent sees and hears innuendo in each thing he encounters. Hence Shang Hsuen’s epiphany, an emphatic declaration “Everything’s a phallic symbol!” way back in Sec 2. A lacking inside, the answer to which we hope to find outside, foolishly assuming that if we but seek hard enough, ask the right questions, that the answer will come eventually. And yet I can’t help but feel that the sensation of lacking only intensifies the harder you search, the longer the search extends, and if you don’t seek, you may never realize something is missing at all.

And still I choose pain. Forlornness over ignorance. The hollow; the mirthless, these laughs are mine, tireless companions on this journey of mine.

A cat, black as midnight (clichéd?), not-quite-emerald eyes (to turn the cliché on its head), stalks the footsteps of my prowlers as they make their way along their route, path momentarily passing my lonely post. Bad luck stalking their heels? Hope not. Amazingly lithe form though, legs moving in an effortless display of coordination as it leaps forth in bounds, muscles pumping under its fur, black lightning streaking across the field of grass in its pursuit.

And behold, an hour has passed, almost forty minutes, incessant writing, penning down, thoughts to paper. How strange I must look, to an observer, just outside. A green clad man, under cover from the elements, under cover yet he insists on donning that cap. A black watch he wears, rotating his wrist, ever-so-slightly, in degrees, all so frequently, what use would a man have for knowledge of the time so often? In the window he stands, doorway to his back –  I call it a doorway but it’s more an opening, really, what’s a doorway without a door, afterall – windows open to his left, right and front; windows open yet down he looks. Rifle, B197, if my eyes don’t fail me, slung around his neck. Carrying a rifle, yet down he looks. A pen he clutches, and with this, he writes, writes about things he sees while looking down, writes about things he thinks about, while thinking about what he writes. What is the meaning of this? How could meaning possibly be attributed to something which itself is used to pass the time while doing something meaningless? The man stops. Has he finally realized his folly? No. Furtive glances around. Reaches into his left pocket and extracts his phone.

And now he resumes his lonely, and very distracted vigil.

To my left, beyond the gate I hold the keys to; have opened and pulled apart, ponderous weight, inertia rendering it both hard to set into motion and arrest; the inbetween being no difficulty at all, beyond that gate lies a sea of green; blue-ish tint cast by the clouded sky above. It’s hard to make out anything in particular, indistinct outlines blend into the approaching darkness. I see dark silhouettes against the blueness of the sky; skeletal, bushy, though even they are soon to vanish, devoured by the dark of night.

A cacophony, a thunderous roar, ridiculous, to think that so many small chirps could accumulate to something so much greater. It erupted, from nowhere, it seems, silence shattered in one moment of concerted noise. I willingly concede though, that perhaps, intent as I was on this meaningless endeavour, I may have subconsciously filtered out the noise.

Dark has fallen, in what seems to be mere moments. The winged creatures have emerged, flittering about on gossamer wings, that look like they’d fall off with the most careless puffs of breath; and indeed did, as I unintentionally discovered, much to my regret. They congregate in numbers, as they are wont to do, around the sources of light, as if seeking solace from the darkness, solace in these bastions of light. Much like myself, as I cower in my sentry post, to be honest. Yet I find myself disinclined towards sharing this outpost of mine with such unruly visitors, who annoy me to no end with the disregard for my personal space in their ill-disciplined flight routes. I turn off the white halogen light, to signal the end of visiting hours.

Now comes a visitor who I take no offence against. Reptilian; padded toes, obsidian eyes glistening, reflecting the street lamps. Abrupt its movements are, limbs flashing momentarily, in a great flurry, seemingly here one moment and there the next, without much passage, if any, through the interim. It doesn’t stay long, a flurry of limbs, and it’s gone again.

And so the second shift ends; with a going in the shadow of a coming, a coming in the shadow of a going, and all of it, it all shrouded in the shadow of purposeless.

010412 0023

And now begins the third. Dark has truly fallen, painting the land a coat of matte black. Street lamps struggle valiantly, and do have some measure of success, in collective effort, but strain futilely against the peripheral darkness, impenetrable to their greatest efforts. Rocky Hill Camp, I must imagine, a luminescent pearl amidst the darkness, as I imagine, is Ladang Camp. And between them, Tekong Highway, 2x street lamps erect on either side, silent sentinels  along the entire stretch, or so I am led to believe, the shimmering thread connecting them, in this dark of night which carpets the land. All this I imagine, postulate, for I have not been graced with an aerial view, at night, and never shall. Postulations, handwavings in the air are thus all I have to offer you, which, if you but take the time to ponder upon, can’t help but wonder if those are all the halls of academia have to offer as well.

The winged creatures of yesternight have retired; for good or temporarily I know not, and care not, save being able to say with certainty that they are no longer here; no longer pestering my person so. My sentry post is bright, once again, and I am at ease, as much as a man in my predicament could possibly be at ease, anyways. Idle wondering. Those winged creatures, did they really do wrong? All they sought was solace in the light, solace in each others’ company, as they clustered and milled around. Their fragile, short-lived existences – for though I know not the exact fate of the ones milling about that particular lamppost, I know, at least, the fate of those I saw, eyes irresistibly drawn to, really, struggling on the basin top in the guardhouse toilet, struggling in what I deem to be their death throes – which could not, would not outlive the night. Did they really do any wrong? And now, not a trace has their being left, besides some minor annoyance to be washed away, look of disgust painted upon face whilst doing so. Perhaps, there is meaning to be found, meaning of the most primal sort, as the mate in the light, each generation a testament to that which came before, and they a testament to that which came before that. An organic will passed through the ages, a living testimonial to the existence of their forefathers. But even that is insufficient for me! When the earth finally terminates its orbit in the sun, and all upon it turns to ash along with it, what then? When the Wheel of Time finally, well and truly, grinds to a halt, having ground itself down to pieces, and those pieces ground themselves even finer, and so on, till naught is left, what then? What of this living testimonial then? Anyways, to have been on this planet from XXXX to XXXX is not the kind of legacy I’d want to leave behind, or be remembered for, accounting, of course, for the frailties of human memory which I shall not delve into at this point of time. Are we to be satisfied with this? Is this its meaning in full? The here&now, revelling in the light among multitudes, cowering alone in the dark in solitude, the flavours, distinct flavours, of these moments, replayed over and over, ad infinitum, a cassette player set on repeat, till the tape inevitably wears down and breaks. The answer is beyond me, has always been, will ever be, so it seems, will always lie beyond the confines of this impenetrable sphere of reality, which defies even my most valiant of attempts to pierce, to discern the nature of reality not as an agent of it, but as an observer would, from the exterior.

I tire now, of this thinking and writing, writing and thinking, so I think I shall think and not write, or write and not think; as I think about writing about not thinking, or write about thinking about not writing.

The night is quiet, human traffic minimal. Guttural grunts from the dark outside, of frog or boar or something else entirely, I know not. There is much I do not know, that I know, and can say with much certainty. Insects chirp, a night orchestra, and I am at peace. Even now, the feathered ones persist in their calling, though much more muted, then before, and I am at peace. A little tired, true, but peacefully so. I acknowledge the meaninglessness of this activity, so anything I can take away, the most minute of impressions, of the warm orange glow cast about the camp; rays of light appearing to my bleary eyes, of the play of light on tree, gentle shadows cast, all around, of everything I have noted herein, and everything I have observed without, all a boon to me. And presto! I have created something, from nothing, working the most wondrous magick of all. And when I get back I will type this, and you will read this, and sparks are created, once again, the striking of flint against metal, sparks in the mind. Whether a fire ignites, something truly lasting, that which lies beyond the material, in the realm of spirit, that I cannot say; will not say. But the sparking is enough, for me, here&now, as the green clad man writes in the little yellow book, the material melded seamlessly with that which is plucked out of the air, melded seamlessly and transcribed, tirelessly, left hand clutching the pen, the conduit which makes it all possible, ink flowing to paper, order given, meaning invoked, and where there once was a clean meshwork of cellulose fibres and coloured fluid packed uniformly into a tube; the fluid now lies enmeshed in the fibre; no, no, it is so much more, the whole greater, much greater than the sum of its component parts.

An outburst, the breaking of a dam, and now, after what seems like an eternity, gushing forth, yet can’t have been, as the watch invariably shows, finally, the pen rests, the paper rests, but the green clad man does not rest, no; the man – and I no longer shy from using the word “man”, after BMT – the man, he continues his lonely, not as distracted vigil.

And the last shift nears its end, as the yellow book, light yet heavy, laden with hours’ exertion and dreams, is kept, safely and securely, once again. And there is a going in the shadow of a coming, a coming in the shadow of a going, and in it all, whilst the shadow of purposelessness lingers, the go-er is content.

First post from you-know-where haha, in the early morning moments while the rest are doing their re-IPPTs; which I thankfully avoided by a narrow 2 seconds margin. Neat, huh? Anyway, just had a heads out, we're supposed to be doing LEARNet now, so I shall do this concurrently, while waiting for the page to load.

You've probably noticed that I've been posting much less here. That's not due to unwillingness on my part, but more due to the fact that blogging has more or less become an unsatisfactory conduit for me to express my thoughts; thoughts that won't wait till the weekend, thoughts that come in what I'd like to think are momentary flashes of insight, which tend to dwindle and pale as I try to elucidate upon them in writing. Things don't flow as freely anymore, as I try to polish my expression; choice of words etc, instead of throwing out everything in its raw form, which I find decidedly unrefined. It takes much effort; effort that I don't really have the time for.

Everyone seems to be so consumed by life lately; the immediate pressing concerns that drown everything out in the background static. Interviews, admissions, applications...all the talk of the town. And yet I find myself very much out of it; something which I felt before awhile before the As as well. It's a dangerous one; as I realized when I heard about everything that has to be prepared for Med, for example, and I also realize that I'm wholly unprepared to sit in front of a bunch of people and bloody well convince them that they've gotta take me in. Honest. Yet while I'm swarmed by the concerns of the here and now - preparing to POP, Med interviews, unpacking and tidying my room, finding my A levels cert, getting along with my section mates, to name a few, in no particular order - I find myself preoccupied with (or is it preoccupied by?) thoughts of the future. I think I'm a pretty meta kind of person, to put it in horribly vague terms, so when everyone's out there discussing interview questions, likelyhood of getting accepted into accounting or something. there I am sitting there, having extricated myself from the mess and looking at myself and saying, oh, that's where he's headed, that's where I'm headed, doesn't seem very interesting to me, to be honest; why am I doing this? Why should I make myself do this? Expectations? No, that's not it, not at all. Then why? People only have so few reasons for doing something, don't they? But none of them are really that perfect a fit! Because it feels right. Because it feels right? Yes, because it feels right. So you're telling me that you're going to stand before them and tell them that you want to do it "because it feels right?"? Well of course not; they'd think I'm a fool. But at least in the theatre of my mind, where I perform for, and appeal to an audience of one, where the only person I have to answer to is me, that is enough. The feeling of rightness isn't something easily accounted for, yet isn't something easily obtained either. There've been times in my admittedly short 18 years wherein I've had all the reasons yet none of that feeling, and I haven't been able to carry on successfully, so I'm just going to trust in this feeling and see where it brings me. Now, now I have a problem. Cause you see, I can't tell them that I want to do it because it feels right; not in so few words, so naked and direct. I've got to dress it up a little, throw in some snazzy stuff; though I do admit, I'm probably being a little too cynical right now. I've always believed that to sound convincing, you first have to convince yourself; so that's what I'll work on.

That and finding my A level cert. Neat, huh?

Oh, and all the best, if you're reading this ;) Relax, and approach it with calm and composure. You'll have no trouble, I'm sure. Things may get you down; but disappointments are Life's great gift, once you manage to keep things in perspective. They inspire you to try harder, while success only breeds complacency; while is my greatest problem, I'm afraid, when I've taken long, hard looks at the course of my life.

Where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head?
-Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Just awesome and amusing, with the slightest hint of creepy. I'll make sure to watch the whole thing some day.

Have about 10 mins to post something before I'm off to the (hopefully) sunny island of Tekong once again.

Pretty eventful bookout this time; as it coincided perfectly with us moving from Woodlands all the way to Luxus Hills in AMK/YCK. I did manage to eke out the time for a little trip to Woodlands library to borrow some books for in-camp reading; it's been a while since I last touched a book (not counting that Book of SAF Core Values) and even longer since I've last set foot in a library of any kind, so was a pretty cool experience. Coolest part was that after that; I spontaneously decided not to take the bus/MRT home and instead marched my way back; with my fieldpack on my back; singing army songs all the way. I surprisingly managed to make it all the way back without exhausting my entire repertoire so maybe it wasn't so far after all, probably 4km at most? I'd never walked home from WRL before, so *dundundun* ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! haha.

Lots of packing, damn hectic, slept at 3+ on Friday, on the cool marble floor of the Woodlands house, in front of my laptop. Last time I'll get to do that, methinks. And last night was the first night here, not too bad; but surrounded by towers of cardboard boxes urgh, sneezing from all the damn dust.

Signing off prematurely, time to shower and set off ><

In and out again; week after week, the cycle repeats itself, undeniable, immovable. No sane man curses the rising sun, nor the waxing moon; both things, I must add, I played audience to with much interest throughout my time in BMT.

6 days outfield for fieldcamp. A very eventful one, to say the least. It'd be all too easy to romanticize the whole bloody affair, but that doesn't do it justice one bit. I'm running out of time here, so I'll just describe it in a snapshot of moments:

The most pleasant one: Lying down in my shell scrape at night; head resting on my field pack, the utilities pouch on my iLBV pushed up to support my lower back, arms against the side walls. Head tilted towards the sky; admiring the almost full moon poking through the clouds; framed by the skeletal branches of surrounding trees. Insects chirp peacefully; and while I know I share my temporary home with various bugs, they don't bother me much, so I'm at peace. In the early morning, a light drizzle awakens me, it's a little cold, and I shiver, but it's not an unpleasant feeling, very cooling and refreshing, actually, the feeling of water hitting my body, and the iLBV keeps my core warm.

Most intensely horrible one: An Artillery Drill right after I'd "finished" digging the shell scrape, having expended about twice as much energy as you'd think it'd take to displace a shitload of clay from the ground with helmet and iLBV on, not to mention having to chip away; loosen and haul out the ever-present rocks with a hoe. (World Food Programme seems like nothing now~) Loud bangs shattering my brief respite; courtesy of some bang sticks or whatever thrown by our CSM, and shouts of "Arti!Arti!" hurting my ears. Rifle frantically transferred from a back sling to a neck one; right hand fumbling behind for the clip to release it. "Faster, gentlemen! You're all dead! Dead!" Dropping prone on the ground, rifle clutched protectively beneath my body, hands interlaced over my neck; frantically echoing "Incoming! Incoming!" every few seconds, till the command "Arti lifted!" is given. It's quite a draining exercise, you know: Chest compressed by the ground, rifle and iLBV, with my body pressing down upon them, unable to draw breathe, while the weight of the helmet clamped my head to the ground. I could hear my voice; relatively strong at first, gradually - very gradually - falter, till I was reduced to weakly gasping under my breath, spluttering out the words as explosions sounded in the background.

TBC. Because off I go again. Just wanted to get something down before I left, so here it is.

Previous post prematurely ended as I went out for lunch with the family.

Anyways, summary: I believe in change; but don't think these kinds of changes occur easily or all that frequently.

I'm thankful for my results; and that's all I'm saying about that.

Now off to check into Resort Tekong; and I've got a week outfield waiting for me when I get there. Ciao.

I find I'm reshaping myself in NS; in ways not entirely clear to me, yet, but I can already see some of the changes reflected in the way I behave with friends and acquaintances.

I believe everyone has a right to change, to reinvent themselves as they see fit. And yet I find that as I try to go forward, and look towards the future; I find myself hindered by the past. Things I've done, decisions I've made, that have somewhat irrevocably cemented people's perceptions of me, or have on a deeper level affected the way I perceive and consequently carry myself. Baggage.



Despite this belief, I find myself more than a little cynical of whether people really can change. They may be exceedingly vocal about it; or come up with a laundry list of reasons for their change; but I've grown too skeptical about such declarations. In general, I don't believe in large, abrupt changes that seemingly occur in the snap of the fingers. These changes have to occur at a fundamental level; building up from deep within. They don't burst to the surface in their full glory but rather steadily bubble up, bit by bit; and are all the more beautiful for that as you see the change express itself before your eyes. They require effort; constant reflection and introspection. It's all too easy to say that you've changed only to steadily regress.

So, I guess time will tell.

Not going to play anymore guessing games; or wonder endlessly about things out of my control.

Reality

Had one of the sweetest dreams I've ever had after returning from Tekong last night haha. I don't usually post song lyrics here but since it featured there, that's gotta make it special, right?

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game

Some people think that the physical things define what's within
And I have been there before, and that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys

I'd love to share my tales of fail, but I've recently come to realize the importance of dignity, and why I should try to preserve mine, so I'll refrain from doing so. Suffice to say; falling sick in camp is not something I'll want to do again. Totally not worth it; have to do random saikang without any consideration for your condition, you don't get much rest, and you'll have to make up for whatever you miss.

Spent the day gained from early bookout recuperating at home; alone. It was quiet, something I haven't been able to experience for way too long; late night trips to the toilet aside (which can be freaking scary, trust me). I can't remember the last time I was able to take an afternoon nap like that one, just lying down on the cool marble floor and awakening to find that hours had passed as I dozed peacefully. Freaking refreshing. I really don't see why they have to keep us awake for at least 15 hours straight in BMT, it's really not conducive to our concentration and/or morale. Might seem like a waste of the precious time I have off Tekong but oh well, what's done is done.

1 more week. I really should be more stressed about it, but I haven't really had much time to think about it during my incarceration, what with the constant flow of events as well as my illness lately. I don't think I'm all that anxious.

Que Sera Sera.

I love that phrase.

Strangely, and this is really strange; despite all the time I spend with my section and platoon mates, and occasional conversation with my family, I crave human interaction. Interaction of the decidedly none banal sort.

So, some time for a quick post; though my body seems soundly settled into that BMT rhythm and is clamoring for some sleep. Shush; I'll give it to you in a while.

I've diverted most of my recollections, random thoughts and whatnot into this little diary I'm keeping; a yellow exercise book, scribbled on either under the covers under the light from my NS phone - chugging away valiantly on its indefatigable battery - or at the head of my bed, partially shielded from the doorway by a locker. With these chickenscratches - the best I can manage - I note down the thoughts of the day, as time permits. Pretty mundane thoughts usually; with a countdown to bookout thrown in somewhere for good measure. The army's shown itself to be horrifyingly effective at deadening my brain.


Awesome to bookout. 3 weeks - plus or minus a few days - was a little too long; towards the end, I could already sense how some of us were feeling more stressed and more easily irritable, prone to flareups. So I think it quite understandable that we were all feeling super high as we marched towards Tekong jetty after a hurried dinner; crying out "BOOKOUT!" every step or so, even going so far as to replace the lyrics of AIRBORNE haha. It was hard to keep a smile off my face as I stepped onto the dry dock, which was slowing bobbing along with the waves. Singapore never looked so beautiful before haha, and the sunset just outside the Penguin's window was simply stupendous. Need to make good use of it though, seeing as we'll be booking in Sunday evening, which is in a little more than 24 hours time. It's only in such circumstances that you really start to treasure the time that you have, yeah? When the time allotted to you can't be measured in days and years, but rather hours, minutes, or even seconds.

Human Being

Being human; a human being. Not an easy task on the best of days; an arduous one on the worst of days.

Forgive others for being human, for all the faults; propensity towards irrationality, greed, and weakness. Forgive me for being human.

But also love others for being human, for the brilliance present in the flawed.

Love me for being human; caught up in the eternal conflict of mere existence, and for struggling to do what I know to be right, when wrong is a much easier alternative.

So. Final post before enlisting I. I thought I'd write something epic; I still have so much more to say; thoughts that passed through my head, once upon a time; with them too fleeting, or me too lazy to snatch them out of the air and ground them in reality. But I realize there's no use grasping at things gone past haha.



My heart's fine, gladly affirmed by that CT scan; the "contrast" is probably still running around my bloodstream, feeling a little light-headed from the effects of the vasodilater; it lowers blood pressure you see, so I shan't post much more than this. Hope to do fine in NS, had a great day today/yesterday, Wicked was damn good, and see you in 3 weeks or so!

I'm going to enlist tomorrow; new (dumb) phone in my pocket, new plastic specs on my head; and old hair (very) noticeably off it. And this blog is going on hiatus.

So it shall be. Que Sera Sera.

 Good stuff (Y) Pity I'll miss the rest due to NS.


Can't say I'm thinking of much right now - a rarity I know xP - so I'll just leave it at that.

Had another phail episode but I shan't post it here :P It's become something of a running gag in my family, though, that's for sure.

Somehow I feel I believe most in the feelings that you find present in yourself after a good few hours of sleep. They seem the most genuine to me haha. There's barely any time for the machinations of the conscious mind to take hold; and they're the products of hours of the subconscious' processing. The mind is fresh, alert and uninhibited. Recently I've started trusting them enough to act on them; at least in that wondrous window of minutes before reality really starts to sink in.

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We passed by some secondhand book sale earlier on. I was kinda reminded of the voracity with which I would dig into books just a few years back. Can't help feeling a little sad that I haven't done that in a long time now; though I think it may partially be cause I've outgrown the genre. (I used to be a huge fantasy buff; loved - and still love - Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time epic series, David Eddings, Terry Brooks, Terry Pratchett; who's got to be my favorite for his satirical take of the genre and so many others) It's a pity though that after so long the plots have blessed together for me; and their respective intricacies are now lost to me; and I really don't have the luxury of going through them once again! Must be almost a hundred (or more) to go through; which I just don't have the time for.. Perhaps that's what retirement's for; though I things go as I think they will, I don't think I'll be retiring anytime in the forseeable future; if at all!

The Descendant seemed pretty flat to me; though perhaps I'm being too reductionistic in critiquing it *shrugs*

Strange but true.

I find myself thinking twice now about composing a post during one of my much criticized early mornings; especially if it's the same day as one of our outings, lest I leave some incriminating evidence - in the form of a timestamp - for those epic phail moments where I can simply sleep right past the appointed time and find myself waking up (reluctantly) to the jarring ringing of my phone and a consternation-laden voice on the other end of the line when I tell its owner that I've "overslept, really sorry about it; I'll be there ASAP".

Evidently my iPhone alarm is absolutely useless at waking me up. It either doesn't last long enough; the snooze function doesn't activate; or I've grown particularly adept at turning it off with my eyes closed while not being in a fully conscious state of mind. That totally embarrassing experience last week - with yifan's Go Green project - stands testament to that.

Well, I'm up on time today; so rejoice! (And it wasn't a particularly easy feat to accomplish either!) I'm delaying setting off a little cause I just know you guys won't be on time so yeah... Watched an amazing spectacle this morning, so I'm freaking elated haha. Not bad for the penultimate match before checking into Hotel Tekong.

As a random aside, my sis "idolizes" me apparently, or so my mum says.. Seems like she wrote something about me in her "This I believe in" essay for school. Oh my.

Haven't been arsed to write for a long time; but I kinda realised that after enlisting, I won't be able to write as much, so I'd better seize the opportunity while it's there. I won't bother to be chronologically precise since that's way too troublesome.

So I went down to SGH; or more accurately, the National Heart Centre there pretty recently to look for my uncle (he's a cardiologist) at my father's insistence for a quick checkup as a precaution before enlisting. Had an echo-cardiogram done. Basically the idea is to use ultrasound to image the heart, so it was really amazing as I could see my heart beating in realtime. It was quite cool to see its actual structure; the bicuspid mitral valve, the tricuspid aortic valve, the atria, ventricles, septum etc versus having seen them in those notes we had to mug for the Biomed symposium. The best part was being able to hear the continuous pounding that sounded kinda wishy-washy-ish while watching the contractions and relaxations and think "Wow, that's my heart there" haha. The thought that it's working (and will be working) independently, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, idk how many weeks a year, etc to keep me alive is quite inspiring in a way. I sometimes wonder whether I have the strength to go on living; but the beat of my heart gives me no doubt about that. Little abnormality that my uncle noticed though was that my coronary arteries seem to be a little dilated (around 1mm more than average for Singaporeans?); apparently they shouldn't be so well-defined on an echo-cardiogram. A little worrying, but I don't think I'll be doing anything to change my PES at this stage.

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CNY, supposed to be a time for joyous reunion (and it was) yet I'm starting to realize that the overwhelming logistics: packaging of ang paos, gifts for the relatives we visit, even making a "schedule" of sorts.... could outweigh the celebratory mood. Had a much more toned down CNY this year; we're pretty much done with all the visiting after the second day (and the "harvest" has been far less bountiful, not that it matters much); but it was no less enjoyable. Quality time with family is nothing to be scoffed at. A slight undertone of sadness though; unavoidable what with things the way they are.

We went to take a look at the new house once more. I kinda like how my room's turning out; though I admittedly won't be spending much time there for at least the next couple of months. We'll have to repaint the house anyway, since alot of hacking of the walls had to be done for the electrical rewiring, so I'm currently toying with some possible colour schemes in my head. Don't really feel like sticking to boring old off-white/beige this time round. Any suggestions? xP

So much to do before enlisting...I really should start packing seriously; though I've made some headway into that by binding my JC Bio notes for easier storage (and to hopefully deter hopeful homeless spiders!). It's such a headache and a little heartaching as well to decide what to throw away and what to bring over. My mum's already discarded my primary school and kindergarten stuff  ><  Lost memories! Stuff that I'll probably never look through, true, but it still hurts nonetheless. (The ironic bit is that she's still keeping her secondary school/uni stuff, which is ancient) I've also got to get around to scanning those documents for NUS...anyone has a scanner available? :/ I should probably start normalizing my sleep cycle as well, but I've got a few early morning games to catch this week, and I need to build up tolerance. Hope I'm not as disappointed as Sunday's one!

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It's strange. You'd think that with the number of days left till I get my freedom severely curtailed in such short supply; I'd want to spend them in the most meaningful manner. Yet I find myself doing the reverse. And I understand, at least a little. I don't want to commit to anything, or enjoy myself too much before going in, lest I miss these days too much. I have heard that we'll be too tired to think about anything though.

My Heart Will Go On

"What is better; to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
-Paarthurnax, Skyrim

Something I never cease thinking about.

When you're trapped, and efforts to find a way out seem futile; do you persist in rattling the bars of the cage in hope of finding some weakness, or do you turn your back on them and attempt to make yourself comfortable? 

But then again things aren't so clearcut in real life, are they?

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Yet another fun outing, this time on Monday with Jack, Amos, Merv and Angie to celebrate Jack's birthday! (I think I'm running out of adjectives to describe these things already..another sign of my brain's gradual degeneration I guess; though perhaps that's for the best what with NS coming up and all) The Titanic exhibition at the Art Science __________ at MBS was pretty interesting; it was cool to see all the relics they'd managed to recover from the wreck of the Titanic, almost 4km underwater. I really liked how the setting and outlook of that time period were explained so meticulously, providing a rather poignant background to the sinking of the ship. What was meant to be the crowning glory of a period of optimism set in technological development instead turned out to be a horrific disaster.  I also appreciated the effort put into research with regards to the lives of certain passengers and crew who were aboard the ship; from all the various classes (more on that later). Stories of how little twists in fate; a coal strike, for example, which resulted in other ships being unable to set off; and those passengers rebooking onto the Titanic (super unlucky!) or the Titanic's captain, who'd initially been planning to retire before the Titanic set off, yet reluctantly agreed after persuasion by The Company, and his promise to his family that it'd be the "last time" (he went down with his ship), could change an individual's life irrevocably. Being informed that the disaster could have been averted, if not for human stupidity/hubris: The Titanic being proclaimed "unsinkable" (which was really asking for it, in hindsight) and therefore not requiring enough lifeboats to accommodate all its passengers (they were judged to make the deck appear overly cluttered and therefore unsightly) as well as the lookouts spotting the iceberg all too late because they'd apparently forgot to bring along binoculars for the trip in the haste to set off. We got to see the gulf between the have and have-nots; as seen by the opulence enjoyed by First-Class passengers; fine dishware, great furnishings, separate dining and smoking rooms, and even their own stairway! versus what the rest got; via the artifacts which were painstakingly annotated with "most likely used by first-class passengers"; "seen in second-class bathrooms" etc. Oh, and we noticed, also in this picture that all the guys had the same taste in headwear, apparently. Not sure what that particular style of cap is called, though.

Could kinda appreciate the jobs that historians and their ilk do. To preserve what they can of the past for the future; cause as they said, if nobody did anything about it, the Titanic would become "a rust spot in the ocean in 30-40(?) years time" with nothing to show for it. Though the use of it all is kinda questionable, seeing that humans don't really seem to learn from their past mistakes haha.

Met Amos after that; dawdled as we tried to decide where to have lunch, finally decided upon Astons at Suntec, had our food, played Citadel (yet another interesting cardgame! and our gift to Jack, incidentally) before leaving.

Went to meet SY and Eliz for dinner at Novena after that; but both were late, so I spent my time walking rather aimlessly around the area; looking at stationery at Evergreen, watching TV (in 3D as well) at Harvey Norman before finally having dinner with them and going home.

"If dreams would come true

How happy I'd be!

I dreamed I loved you

And I dreamed you loved me."

Just something random we saw on an ancient postcard; one of the artefacts recovered from some (presumably) leather case at the bottom of the sea. I'm sharing it despite my mini-rant about the dearth of originality...well just because. Call me hypocritical if you will xP

I can't be the only one who thinks "My Heart Will Go On" was the perfect song for Titanic. Not only in the romantic sense; though that's surely there, but I think in terms of the human spirit and daringness to dream, as well! Despite the colossal (I was tempted to use "titanic" here but restrained myself xP) failure of the Titanic, we continued dreaming; even if success at times appeared (and still does appear) so far away in the distance, and well, ended up where we are today.

Morning Sounds

I'm sitting in the living room, planted in front of my laptop, when I suddenly hear a noise; a whisper, it seems, calling "korkor".

"Must be KYan, calling from upstairs; she does that, sometimes, after watching her Running Man on the Ipad late into the night."

So I call out to her. No response...

"Okay...might be a once-off thing, shall go back to listening to my music."

*noise repeats*

"Maybe she's not replying to screw with me.."

*noise repeats at regular intervals for next half min*

"Shit..."

I turn to the right, looking towards the main door, down the dark corridor. Nothing. My eyes then stray across my other sis, sleeping sprawled across one of the rattan chairs, just metres from me. The sound seems to be coming from her vicinity. I pay closer attention. "Chey! Just her snoring..."

Whoops haha.

Oh well. Friday was a pretty good day, despite it being the 13th and all. Sent off my little endeavour, so I'm done with it. Can't help wanting to know how well it was received (or whether it even reached!) though :S

Had to wake up early for work at Safra in the morning, so I was understandably quite tired. Hitched a ride with my dad, and we dropped by our new house in the morning. Seems like we won't be moving in before CNY afterall; not that I wasn't expecting it. Also paid a visit to my cousins who are literally living down the road (we're gonna be neighbours!) who're way more efficient and moved in earlier this month. Then onto work haha.

First 2 sessions (9.30-12; 3.30-5.30) were corporate bookings, the idea is that some companies; in this case the Police and some construction company want to do something new for a corporate function, so pay through the nose for a booking to get to shoot air rifles at some targets. Felt more like customer service than anything else; besides watching out for safety violations; and even then, not interfering unless it was too serious, and doing so in a discreet manner, all I did was count out pellets and distribute cards, dispensing the occasional tip along the way. Not very challenging, nor exciting, to be honest. Though it was pretty amusing to see all of them get so excited over everything; their scores, groupings, size of the hole etc, especially after doing well shooting on a pistol card with a rifle resting on sandbags on the countertop. Some interesting ideas too! Such as inflating balloons, attaching them to targets for them to aim at.



Met Amos for lunch and bowling during the break between the 1st and 2nd sessions, which was a really cool way to burn the time; don't know what I'd have found myself up to otherwise. I had dinner at that same old laksa place; and found myself reminiscing over a bowl of Chng Tng (冷的）; my usual dessert, which complements the laksa perfectly. Times spent, memories made, experiences......experienced.  Went back to Safra, took a nap in the coaching office, was walked in on by some of my juniors (a little awkward) and got ready for the 3rd and last session.

Last session (7.30-9.30) was the one I relished. Got the opportunity to induct a newcomer into the Junior Shooting Programme there, taught him some basics, and basically supervised the training. Most of them are quite obedient; and train seriously, and then there was this one P4 boy who kept complaining about the weight of the gun, shooting anyhow etc. I had some trouble with him cause I'm way too nice to be able to handle problem kids like him (yeah really!) so it was not really gratifying but horribly funny to see how my boss (who's the main coach) dealt with him; chastising him for it being too heavy cause he wasn't doing it properly and so on haha. I'll be in charge next week, though, when she and my coach (her husband) fly back to China for CNY, which I'm quite excited about!

So I ended up working for >6hrs; which kinda made me realize what a tiring job coaching is! HAHA. Can now empathize with how exhausted my coaches must have felt back then, when they had to coach in the morning details, and had to stay focused and alert all the way till 9.30 when the last detail ends. I think it could be a pretty rewarding job, though, and am pretty envious of them; it's good to be able to do something you like, and make a living off of it.

The Blackhole. Sucking hopes, dreams, efforts, aspirations; sucking it all in without the slightest peep.

Had a strange semi-dream early this morning, while sleep eluded me. Had something to do with zombies, apparently, and I've had nothing to do with L4D for quite some time already. Was dumped right amidst the action: Some guy helped me grab ahold of another, allowing me to stab the latter through the heart with a pink chopstick and then him in the neck; perforating his trachea, and him making these hollow whistling sounds through the hole each time he took a breathe. I had to do it, cause he'd been bitten and infected by a zombie, you see. Later in the dream, I ended up making this mutual agreement with another guy to "off" each other, as we'd both gotten infected as well, and didn't like the idea of having to shoot each other in the head. I somehow didn't die, while the other guy was mortally wounded. And a stab to the heart with a chopstick apparently wasn't enough to finish off the earlier guy (chopsticks aren't exactly the most effective of murder weapons, now are they?) who emerged from the toilet and killed me. The End.

Happy Friday the 13th xP

Not the most pretty display but YES!!! HAHA. Could have gone to bed after the first 45 mins but the second were a different kind of thrilling.

Shall do a quick recap of the class chalet since I'm awake anyway:

Was awesome, turnout rate on the first day was good; only 3 peeps couldn't make it IIRC. The BBQ was pretty successful as well! First BBQ I've attended where there wasn't much trouble starting the fire; guess Jack's experience played a large role there. (I'm randomly reminded of this BBQ in P3 so many years back where my mum dragged me off for our weekly visit to my grandma's house before we'd even got the fire started. Just one of the little incidents which scarred my childhood experience hehe) Short photo montage courtesy of Jack once again, followed by some random "speech" and song by tyf which I'll hold back judgement upon. Got a little gift which made me feel like an ass for a comment of sorts passed earlier. I'm not giving them to my mum afterall~

Played some poker at night with Amos, Yifan and Joo Gian while the rest were playing a protracted game of Gloom; using cards as stakes initially, then moving onto pushups/situps as we progressed through the night. We went through a number of hands; though my luck wasn't the greatest...became broke a few times, did a few sets of pushups. Was quite comical how we were pretty reckless at first, then everything got serious later on when we upped the stakes. I can't quite recall what we did the rest of the night and morning, tbh. We played some bridge, I know, and the rest played Go Fish! while some of us lay down on the mattresses, just staring at the ceiling fan, exchanging a few words. It's really quite therapeutic. Finally really fell asleep around 5+? which really isn't that late for me :P

We stoned around abit after waking up, finally got down to Downtown East for brunch at Burger King; Amos left for Changi after that, and we went back to the chalet to spend more time on the Xbox. The spastic rabbits game was freaking cute and fun; and we spent quite some time trying to fling this ball of snot which a rabbit clings to as far as possible, by shaking our heads like mad. Munchkin Cthulhu after that, won by Merv after an epic no-holds barred stop on Jack who called upon the (unwilling) Yifan for assistance. The strength went up to 60+ after all the buffs, and the monsters only won marginally, which is saying alot. Cultists make for a really intriguing gameplay.

Rented our bikes overnight for $10 apiece (excluding the tandem one) from this place in the middle of Pasir Ris Park and kept them in the chalet while we went to some Korean place at Downtown East for dinner. The overnight cycling was a great experience. We got lost a few times; Merv and I took a wrong turn, heading the opposite direction along the MRT tracks, didn't navigate the park connectors properly from what I gathered (not being involved much if at all in the navigation) but eventually made it. Went from Pasir Ris to Tampines, Bedok, Siglap, coasted down the stretch of ECP to Changi Village, and back to Pasir Ris again, with a few detours along the way. 50km+ according to Joo Gian, which is by far the furthest I've ever cycled; though we did stop along the way. We left the chalet around 11pm and got back at 6.29am the next day haha. Even managed to catch a FA Cup match of Arsenal vs Leeds from around the 17th min till the end at this coffeeshop where we took a break; Henry scoring the only goal (a good one!) on his first game back at Arsenal. Really funny how the rest were so exhausted that they were sleeping there, with some really unglam expressions while Amos and I, along with a whole bunch of people at other tables were watching the match! Damn shag after that; good thing there were many downhill stretches on the way back; really shiok cause you can just stop working the pedals and let gravity and momentum do the rest (Y)

There was this epic fail moment where I noticed this packet of white paint in a puddle of the same thing on the pavement too late; failed to avoid it, and was left with streaks of white on my tires for the rest of the trip. Good thing the uncle at the rental shop didn't mind; I was worrying about it throughout.

Nothing much after that, we got back, played some of Jack's math game with poker cards, some Go Fish!, had a short nap before returning the bikes, checking out of the chalet, taking the shuttle bus to the MRT and parting ways.

So, that's it haha. Really enjoyed the overnight cycling especially, you really get to appreciate how beautiful Singapore can be when it's quite at night. We basically didn't have to worry about cars on the road, and it was cool to look around and see the whole place illuminated by the warm glow of the streetlights. I loved the atmosphere :) I really appreciated the empty ECP as well haha. Past few times we went down, we always had to compete with the crowds of other cyclists, roller bladers etc for road usage but at night, we could cycle side-by-side and occupy the whole road if we so wished. I was really lucky this time to get a bike that actually worked properly with minimal squeaking; so I could enjoy the ride, and feel the power from my legs transferred to distance covered by the wheels on the ground. A very empowering feeling which running just can't give me, seeing how slow I am at that particular activity.

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It's pretty quiet at home now that school's started for all my siblings, who all left for their respective schools not too long ago. I've got some time to myself  now, much of which I've spent in front of this comp, though - I feel - productively in this case. Pretty much done with that not-so-little project I set out to do towards the end of last year, with the remainder being all those arbitrary stylistic decisions which I find so hard to make. Got a draft version out and it looks good! :D I'll be coaching at Safra once again on Friday; 6 hours this time, though with breaks in-between which should help me make up for the deficit wrought by the chalet. It's so nice to get honest pay for honest work, and to put my shooting experience to use as well!

Morning arrives, and my bed beckons. Signing off.

Overnight cycling: Check!

Class chalet was really awesome, but it's good to be home too haha. I've got some matters to attend to, more than a few winks to catch, so I'll leave the details till later :)

YES!!!! Totally worth staying up for :D Awesome if this carries on through the year.

It's a pity. I'd have liked to know what expression you had then, standing beside me. And after I'd taken so long to summon the courage to do so in the first place, too! A case of mission accomplished but failure nonetheless >.<

Well, had my coaching stuff on at Safra yesterday, pretty cool job, as I've said before. No dress code as well! The only one was to "not wear anything with Raffles on it"; not too strange considering my employer doesn't want people to think she's got students working for her hahah. Had the rather interesting experience of instructing this girl who I wasn't supposed to touch (as in no physical contact) at all while coaching her for some religious reasons I suppose. Just felt a little odd to have to specially take note of that while trying to demonstrate the various steps.

Went down to SGH the other day, accompanying my grandma on a visit. Just wanted to put down that I was extremely touched by the solidarity displayed, not only on a single occasion, mind you, but over days, weeks and months. And her saying that she didn't care how tough it was on her, as long as she let him know that he wasn't alone, people cared for him, and he could get to hear other people's voices, and talk to them.

^ a little too much personal stuff already, but it's something I really don't want to forget, so I'm just writing about it here.

Went for the final round of house visits as well, that same day. I was with the IC of organizing the project this time, but it was (apparently) her first time doing house visits so I found myself taking the lead. Really made me realize the benefits of keeping quiet and paying attention during the previous few sessions, such that I had little difficulty conducting the interviews in a pretty sensitive manner, I'd like to think, while being pretty personable at the same time as well! I guess what really inspired me was the observation that despite the many problems these people face in their lives; they still have dreams, and things they prioritize and will not compromise on. For eg, I talked to this lady who had 2 kids, one autistic boy and his older sister, and I could really sense how hard she was trying in order to raise her child to be able to function in society, one step at a time. And how she was determined to let the older sister have a normal childhood instead of succumbing to the temptation of getting her to take care of her brother while she looks for work.

I have faith in life now, that life will conspire to find a way so long as you're determined enough, and resilient enough. A good frame of mind to begin the year with.

There are times when I feel this emptiness within me; bereft of feelings, emotions, ambition. The kind of feeling you occasionally get when you wake up and the weight of reality hasn't quite settled in yet. When you don't quite feel like doing anything.

It's scary how well the internet complements this feeling, and even helps in prolonging it. Where I would have once just sat down staring into space for a while before shaking myself out of it, or grabbing a nearby book to absorb myself in; I can now spend hours on end staring at the screen doing absolutely nothing (of substance at least) while caught up in the illusion of doing something.

Entertainment should complement the voracity of life; with timely interjections, instead of dominating it, and deadening the mind by crowding it out to nothingness.

I shouldn't even be awake now :/

Hate it how some people can obviously know how you feel yet choose to blatantly ignore it simply because you choose to refrain from souring things up by voicing it. And I sometimes grow tired of having to always tread carefully (metaphorically speaking, of course) around them cause they never hesitate to show their displeasure and I once again have no wish for things to become unpleasant.

I don't like how the unspoken retorts accumulate within my head, and finding myself looking for alternative ways to dispel them; often by chiding myself about how immature I'm being, at letting such stuff affect me so.

I'm willing to bear it, to a much greater extent for those I care about than those I don't, obviously.

I return to you from an hours-long journey of trawling through the recesses of this blog's archives to recapture and relive; if you will, my experience last year (first time I've referred to 2011 as last year haha). And I've realized a couple of things; so indulge me here.

Firstly, that my writing generally wasn't bad at all! I realize it's more than a little presumptuous to outright say that, especially about my own "work" (in the loosest sense of the word) but I don't really re-read anything that I write that much (which may explain my poor GP performance) and reading something right after you've written it doesn't give you the most objective of viewpoints, now does it? Reading the posts from months back, I'm able to appreciate them more (HAHA) especially when I find myself able to (to a certain extent) reinsert myself into the mindset I had when I first constructed it, or find myself subconsciously nodding along as I read the arguments I'd put together; able to follow them relatively easily even though I may have changed my mind since then. The quality seems to have gradually declined till present though..

It was also cool to see a process, basically; and realize that there are certain things which I've moved past by now, challenges I managed to overcome last year, and worries assuaged; which plagued me to no end in the past as well! I, at least, can sense a clear progression, and on occasion, regression, which is particularly intriguing.

That makes blogging worth it I guess, besides being an outlet for venting frustrations and just putting down random thoughts to be appreciated in the future.

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Jan's looks like it's going to be pretty busy (and in a good way too!). Have a couple of outings with friends, the upcoming class chalet; I've been asked to help out with coaching at Safra Yishun every Friday evening (for decent pay), there's one more round of house visits, the recycling and grocery distribution phases of Yifan's (Zhang) CIP, and of course, lots - and I mean LOTS - of packing and clearing up and throwing away of stuff to be done at home before the move towards the end of Jan. Not forgetting having to drag myself to run alot more than I have been atm in preparation for NS on the 31st. Busy busy busy. I've also got that little thing to finish up. Shouldn't drag it out for too long haha.

But currently at least; I wouldn't have it any other way. Heh I should probably try to catch some sleep now ><

Resolutions for 2012

A pretty convenient excuse to post in point form, so I'll just get to it:

1. Eat healthier, exercise more, get fitter - Pretty much a given thanks to NS (I hope) but still a worthwhile start to the list
2. Be less selfish - What I do, I do out of my own free will (to the greatest possible extent, anyway). Though I'm entitled to be a little cynical about things, I shall be less concerned about whether those efforts are reciprocated or even appreciated/registered or not.
3. Worry less, enjoy more - Pretty self-explanatory. I often think that I "think too much" (which may itself be a meta-problem haha) about loads of things; things which; more often than not are out of my control. Incessant worrying, occasional "emo-ing" which I guess I could do without.
4. To make more of my time and get more out of life - Pretty vague; I know what I'm getting at without quite being able to put it into words. 
5. To act more maturely and respond less reactively (emotions-wise; don't know how else to describe it) to situations - I feel I have to have more self-control, basically. I shock myself sometimes at how acerbic I can be; at the accusatory tones I can inject into my voice at times, knowing full well how hurtful it can be. Social interactions/relationships aren't - or shouldn't be at least - about "winning" or anything like that, and it doesn't get anyone anywhere; besides leaving a really bitter aftertaste. And when I observe such things going on (that don't involve me) I've got to be able to do better than just keep quiet; or forcing my way in and making things that much worse. 
6. To step up more, and not shirk responsibility - Ironic considering what I was trying to do in J1; and I'm not particularly proud of what I did wrt to that in 2011 upon some critical reflection, something I really have to work on; both this year and the years to come.
7. Confidence - I've been improving, methinks, but still lots of room for improvement. Can't really blame others for not valuing me when I don't value myself much at all.
8. To be strong - One of the most important I feel. It's something I always hope for/expect from myself and this year is no different; except maybe requiring a little more on the physical front to cope with NS.
9. And lastly, to be myself; always. No matter the changes/improvements/whatever I'd like to see in myself, and my numerous imperfections (thus necessitating this list of resolutions!) to never stray from who I am, what I believe in, and stand for. To not compromise "myself" though the idea of me-ness still remains a little vague at this point of time.

And other stuff, of course, but it was never meant to be an exhaustive list :)

I remain optimistic of  the year to come, yet have made the conscious effort to temper those expectations with a healthy dose of realism.


"Be like the headland against which the waves break and break: it stands firm, until presently the watery tumult around it subsides once more to rest. 'How unlucky I am, that this should have happened to me!' By no means; say, rather, 'How lucky I am that this has left me with no bitterness; unshaken by the present, and undismayed by the future."
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

An apt approach to the future I think; to keep everything in perspective, and to face life's challenges stoutly and bravely.

Shan't spoil it with further over-analysis, and with that, I end my resolutions haha.

Happy New Year, guys! Let's make it an awesome one, wherever we may be, whatever we may be doing and (shall I say?) whoever we may/may not be with :)

"Obsession is a young man's game."
- Cutter, The Prestige

Good thing I'm (relatively) young then. Though there've been some moments this year where I've found myself thinking: I've got no time to continue with this, despite how important it is to me.

...which reminds me that it's about time for a year-end reflections kinda thing; what with it being the last day of the calendar year and all. But I don't find myself in a particularly reflective mood atm (though I do keep a mirror handy on my desk) so I'll put it off for now. Besides, I'm caught up in The Prestige, which is fantastic, incidentally, I'm able to appreciate so much more watching it once more.

The Pledge, The Turn, The Prestige.

QWOP

0 effort photoshop. Go check out the game here. I've only been able to make it to the 59 metre mark, sadly >.<

Lestrade: In another life, Mr Holmes, you would have made an excellent criminal
Holmes: Yes, and you an excellent policeman.

Sherlock Holmes (I) was badass and awesome. I can only wish I were as fast (intelligent); and I loved the accent and repartee as well! Quite a good family bonding experience as well; the three of us huddled in front of my brother's laptop; out of necessity, of course, ASUS screens have a notoriously small ideal viewing angle.

Now you know that my nightbirdness runs in the family ;)

Day 5+: Discovered a few new techniques which I've been playing around with; made some changes to the previous ones, and almost finished another as well! Still got loads of tweaking and adding of details to be done though haha. And I've still gotta go back and redo some parts so that the "style" is consistent.

Edit: Feel so much like a third wheel sometimes hahaha  ><

Weaponized sincerity must be one of the strongest forces known to Man haha. Though it does tend to lose effectiveness when used repeatedly; much like a certain someone's puns XD

Yesterday's outing to the board games cafe followed by Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was (I shan't say surprisingly xP) extremely fun! The movie's really good btw; I really do enjoy and appreciate an overly-convoluted plot interspersed between the obligatory explosions, gun fire, and fist fights. Throw in a dash of Indian billionaire with certain - shall I say - strange interests just for kicks and you're all set to go. No misrepresentation or any of that bullshit by the trailer; you know exactly what you're in for when you step in haha. T'was super shiok to just see things blown up one after another (Y)

We capitalized on this 6 bucks for 4 hours + free flow drinks at the cafe, though I couldn't shake the bloated feeling after the fourth cup >< Learnt to play some interesting board games too! Scotland Yard was pretty cool, and it was fun playing as Mr X, which I inadvertedly volunteered for after reaching for the seemingly cool-looking cap. Balderdash was absolute bullshit (in an awesome way!) and Dixit was fun as well, though after a quick Google search, I realize our points system was a little off (Jack!) : If nobody or everybody finds the correct picture, the storyteller scores 0, and each of the other players scores 2. Otherwise the storyteller and whoever found the correct answer scores 3. Players score 1 point for every vote gotten by their own picture.

Crashed after a shower at home, which is why I find myself awake once more :/

Misplaced Morality

Strange how I don't feel the slightest tinge of regret while helping myself to a plateful of escargot; yet feel so overly remorseful for having accidentally crushed a snail underfoot. And I don't think it was simply hearing the sickeningly wrong cracking sound either.

Guess I'm someone who doesn't like to get his hands dirty (not merely in the literal sense of the word) while enjoying the result of someone else doing just that. Disgusting.

Is condoning something or - even worse - gaining in the process any different from partaking in it yourself? Besides being able to adopt a supposed moral highground of course. I have some things to reevaluate I guess; though I wouldn't go so far to say that that's prompted by this single event.

And maybe, just maybe, I simply regret needlessly taking an innocent life :/

Day 4: I've downsized my target to a more reasonable one; and progress has been pretty good! Trying some shading now, effect's not too bad.

Great outing yesterday; shall just make a note here to go see Angie's blog if I want to recap it haha.

I made the proper decision regarding a kinda awkward situation (for me, at least) earlier without taking the easy way out I'd created for myself, so I'm semi-proud of myself for that.

Shall go to sleep now and (hopefully) wake up early enough that I'm not late for today's appointment. I really don't like to keep people waiting; and I even missed out on a round of bowling thanks to that yesterday as well!

Must have offended some elder god resting beneath the waves; cause its been a run of awfully bad luck. The start was almost painful to watch; would have settled for a draw, but it really stepped up imo; and deserving of a win with the second half. Don't quite feel compelled to rage; but it's a little sickening how things settle into the same old pattern no matter how hard they try to change it.

Had a decent Christmas out with the family while feeling absolutely horrible throughout; thanks to this nose of mine which has caused me untold problems over the years haha.

Was basically drifting in and out of wakefulness; knocked out in the car and at that lighting shop with the amazing lights and the night culminated in dinner which we had seated at the back alley of a Chinese restaurant in Geylang. (The food wasn't bad at all, btw; so guess I shouldn't have laughed so readily at YYJ's repeated offers to bring us there for food XD)

Took some meds after coming back before falling asleep; only to find myself kinda wide awake right now. Guess my enforced nocturnalism (which incidentally comes out as "no fur alien" on auto-correct) is taking its toll on me.

Happy Boxing Day! Heh I still remember a family trip to BTNR on this same day so many years ago (our first time there; and we haven't gone back since) where we went to the "peak" and had a nice picnic there. Was pretty memorable cause that's when the "first" notable tsunami struck; and they seem to be occurring with increasing frequency lately :/

And all I want for Christmas is?

I read too much into things, perhaps. But when I get so little to work with; how can I not?

Haha anyway, Merry Christmas, to whoever reads this blog; and who I haven't wished already. And as early Christmas morns go; this one hasn't been too bad - though I've been sitting alone in front of my computer monitor, I've had company through the wonders of the internet.

I won't dwell too much on the Christmas Spirit (the spirit of giving, maybe? but hasn't it become a marketing ploy? so, the Spirit of Capitalism?) but whatever it is, I feel it in much diminished proportions this year. This year, there's this air of tiredness permeating the entire affair. Much has happened the past few months, my parents having to cope with my sister's Sec school admission stuff; appeals and all, most recently, following certain problems which have thankfully started to stabilize, and with the whole business of moving house. The annual Christmas dinner seems to have been annulled too.  To me, a non-religious guy; Christmas has always been about getting together as one big family - we don't have to do anything in particular mind you - and it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen this time. The gift-giving/receiving has always been secondary - or even tertiary (or quaternary!) - to that. I'd be delighted to be surprised though!

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Something which I find to be a good thought-exercise is "Why? Spammage". The inner convo goes as follows:

Me: So, you want XXX?
Me: Yup!
Me: Why?!
Me: Um..because ABC?
Me: Why do you want ABC?
Me: Uh...DEF...
Me: Why?

And it goes on. Haha and I tend to get battered down very often, though sometimes I go "F*** it!" to myself and my whys and go ahead anyway.

Day 3: Can't believe I freaking spent so many hours on that zipper alone. And it's still not done. I'm starting to doubt whether I'll be able to finish this in time :s Though I'm really liking the way it's turning out! Not too bad for my first time haha.

I won't even think about why I'm doing it, cause the process has superseded the reason. It also gives me something to do in the wee hours of the morning, which can only be a good thing, right?

Finally done with the correction tape centerpiece! Heh I'm pretty satisfied with the way it turned out; and I think I'm getting the hang of this. Should be alot faster from now on.

So not worth staying up for. T.T

At least I did something semi-productive while waiting. Photoshop is really tough to pick up.

Just because someone is being more vocal about their own issues doesn't necessarily mean that theirs are more severe than someone else who decides to keep mum about it.

It's really hard to keep an objective view and not be swayed in the face of such emotion. It seems like a balancing act: To not disregard and discount an individual's personal suffering while rationally weighing it against other cases in an objective manner.

I've still got much to learn, and more people to meet. My current world has been so, so, small.

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Something, though:

When you extend the hand of hope; it's only courteous to keep it extended, and follow through all the way. I, for one, can understand how much it hurts to be given a glimpse of a glimmer of hope only to have it vanish once again. So much more cruel than having done nothing at all.

I could really empathize with the chastising tone, and the evident disillusionment.

Don't make promises that you can't keep. As for me, I endeavor to keep to all the promises I make.

See the difference? :P

Procrastination gets you - or me, actually - into some pretty unsavory positions.

Well, I won't use that as a backdoor for retreat any longer. It's no longer about whether I have a chance or not; it's a matter of principle. I'm getting sick of how epic I am at simply just throwing away opportunities which have practically fallen into my lap. Can't get into the mindset of taking them for granted.

Scary thing is that I'd probably have done it again this time round (and I may still have let it slip; it still remains to be seen) were it not for a friend of mine, and sudden last minute desperation.

I've got some little projects to be completed as well; I should probably take them out of that "Personal Failures" folder I've got on my desktop.

Think positive!

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On another note, was helping a friend look through her personal statement the other day; really quite impressive.

Kinda got me into a different kind of mindset. In JC, we're looking at finding the correct answer; or more precisely the response that is A-worthy (thanks Mr Tang) but outside it's more about personal voice, and all the stylistic decisions that act as a differentiating factor. And it's really hard to say, "I think you should do it this way instead", cause it's all a matter of what you're trying to convey; to emphasize upon. Given that, I guess I shouldn't feel so insecure about my own take on things. Other people will do things their way; but it's because I do things my way that makes me unique, right?

Haha I think I'm losing coherence; as can be seen by how the previous para has less point than this sentence alone, which I shall end without a period, thank you very much

Isn't the first pointless thing I've done, and it definitely won't be the last.

I shall go to bed now.

I'm freaking elated.

There's much to be done tomorrow/today so I guess I should go sleep now; huh?

Some viewers came over again, but I doubt they were too impressed with all the clutter around the house. Heh we really have too much junk. Speaking of which; I found myself rummaging through my stuff earlier today in an attempt to dig up that NUS letter. I failed; sadly, despite flipping through everything. In the process, I chanced upon these spiders which had nested in my Bio file of all places. Like seriously, I was moving my files around, just casually opened it, and just went WTF; there are things crawling around on the pages. Relocated them to the toilet, with much vigorous application of tissue, and gave them a grace period of a few minutes to scuttle off to wherever spiders goto (I mean, they even took residence in a freaking file FFS) before opening the floodgates; hosing down the toilet floor.

Maybe that's why I occasionally get this creeping feeling up my legs; and up my spine, even, as I sit in front of my laptop. Creeeepy =D

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At first you see a gulf and think; "Hey, that's not so big, I can cross it!" But as you approach closer, it just seems to get wider and wider; becoming a gaping chasm that one could not even dream of bridging.

Maybe I'm just not being creative enough. Yeah! I could probably fly across if I grew a set of wings, right?

Life will find a way

Having listened to people who live day to day, as they attempt to juggling various pressing concerns; utilities, education, loans, transport, food, and so on; I've realized how laughable my desire to earn "only" just enough so that my family can have a comfortable life would sound to them!

I'm pretty confident at my ability to find fulfillment in someway or another in what I do; so I'm resolved to not be so hesitant about the future, or to keep worrying about future outcomes. And even if I don't end up where I want to be, I'm sure I'll be able to derive joy from some other areas of life.

I feel young for once, after yesterday. Woefully helpless, true, but able to see the future and potential ahead of me. It was good to mix with a different breed of people (not being elitist or discriminatory or anything, but that's the truth) for once, really enlightening and inspiring. 

The word "Youth" is starting to gain some pretty positive connotations in my mind.

Late night posts don't exactly lend themselves towards a banal recount of the week's happenings; now do they? So I'll leave that as a draft for now, pursuant to when I'm in the mood to complete it.

I feel set adrift in time. Without the definition of a concrete deadline (the one on 31st Jan aside), the days blur into each other; literally even, given my current sleeping pattern. Weekdays may as well be weekends; discounting TV scheduling of course! It's a very carefree feeling.

And it's when things intrude upon this that it becomes particularly jarring. With certain things coming up; I've been having to consider what I want to do, really. Yet there's also the distinct possibility of thinking myself into inaction, where I basically vacillate between the options till I'm forced to make a choice; where I inevitably pick the easier, less troublesome (and potentially less rewarding) one as I haven't the time to prepare myself for the other. I've got a few days left for this one, so I'd better start working on it.

I've been given free reign to do practically whatever I want these past few weeks; but I've also been realizing that I can't/shouldn't simply reject the outside world because of some perceived entitlement to enjoyment, relaxation etc following the A levels and before entering NS in a month's time. And yet when I see the fractures in relationships; the tensions and dissatisfaction that have accumulated; and find myself powerless to do anything about them, I feel like just looking away, busying myself with something or another, to avoid thinking about it. The proverbial ostrich with its head buried in the sand. Or maybe it's that this current state of affairs has been sustained for so long that it no longer features strongly in my mindscape, regardless of its severity. Kinda like how relations between N. and S. Korea are pretty bad right now, yet mending them doesn't feature too strongly on the global agenda as it's shown itself to be something able to be set aside and left on slow boil (at least for now) in the face of more pressing problems.

Why do we have to bear things which are unbearable? Does doing so make us that much stronger? Really?

"That which does not kill us can only maim us for life"
- A wise man

Small incident that occurred some time ago has served to fuel my belief that relationships in general are all give and take. There are so-called "bad" sides to everyone (subjectively speaking); say, a friend. You've just gotta weigh the bad against how much you value the person and well..make a decision as to whether you'll want to go on or not. It's all about what you're willing and able to accept and what you just can't accept no matter what.

Of  course; society tends to make things much more complicated.

True, it's impossible to make everyone happy.
It's hard enough to make just one person happy; even of that person is yourself.

What is happiness anyway?

Heh but I think it's important to never take unhappiness as a given, as something that can't be helped, and become apathetic to it, when it manifests itself in either yourself or those around you. That'd be monstrous. And it's all too easy to do so; at times.

Joy. Though there were some freaking nail-biting moments in there. Do it by a more comfortable margin next time, won't you?


Felt pretty old after going down to Safra on Thursday, same feeling I get whenever I go back to Yishun, actually. 6 years doing shooting, going down to Yishun...blah blah I don't really feel like going over the whole thing again. On to the exciting stuff!

I somehow managed to blunder my way into a job with my coach's company; pretty much a once-off thing unless they need me again; to coach Pri 4-6 kids in shooting. Pretty cool right? Haha and being paid $10 per hour isn't that bad either; for doing something that I'd be willing to do FOC otherwise. But it's a sign of how things have changed in the shooting arena. Last time, you'd just tryout in Sec 1, and work on it from there. But now, with shooting becoming a more established sport, you have kiasu parents sending their kids for shooting courses; in the hope of landing them a chance to DSA into certain schools. And now comes the advent of the Sec 2 rifler hitting 590/600, and another Sec 1 being able to reach 580, as my coach proudly pointed out to me. Exciting times, and a little scary, too.

There's little to no room for underachievers such as myself; at least competitively speaking. And I can't help but to admit feeling some measure of sympathy for all those little kids, especially those really tiny ones, who so stoically attempt to raise and stabilize the rifles. Quite cool coaching them, though, especially the way they follow instructions unquestioningly xP

Quite a heartfelt farewell to Shaofei. Think I was getting pretty emotional towards the end, a little embarrassing but wtv. My problem I guess is that I have a tendency to see things as simply black and white when I lose my head over something; things won't be that bad, obviously, and we'll still see each other again, so look up, yeah?

Spent the bulk of yesterday at a lighting shop of all places. My parents; or I guess my family as a whole is freaking indecisive, so we ended up spending 3 hours there, being freaking ambivalent about all the different lighting options. Ceiling? Pendant? Warm white/Cool white? LED/Halogen? Round/Rectangular? Sheesh. Halfway through I just found myself sitting on a sofa there, flipping through some magazine on landscaping before just falling asleep. Went to another shop after that; which was much more interesting (all in the presentation, I guess), had these freaking beautiful Swarovski crystal lights, where an LED shines through the crystal, which is cut so that it reflects the light until it forms this uniformly awesome pattern on the wall. Haha, I may just want to indulge in that sort of nonsense if/when I get a house next time.

Could have gotten grievously injured today when my mum decided to move the car while I had just opened the door and was getting out; but I escaped unscathed, luckily enough. Was pretty much stunned when it happened, can kind of feel a very tangible feeling of something bushing right past me.

Phew. 

Lost in Transit

4am and I find myself awake; once more.

It's quiet; save for the occasional giggle emitted by my little sis, as she watches some drama on the iPad (she uses earphones, thankfully) And it's kinda funny, these strange thoughts I find passing through my head at this late - or shall I say early - hour, when the filters of wakefulness are replaced by something else entirely. More intense; and less logical. Impulses seize me, and I'm beginning to understand the mentality behind the drunken calls made in the middle of the night so typical to poorly scripted shows. Which reminds me of an interesting yet simultaneously infuriating experimental feature that Google Labs made available so long ago. The premise is that you aren't in the right frame of mind on Friday nights, which may result in some emails being sent without due consideration. The solution? Making you do a number of simple mathematical operations to show that your brain is working fine, thank you very much; before the email can be sent out. Not sure how effective it is, though, except for eliciting the occasional sigh when sending out some overdue work, like during PW last year xP now I pretty much treat it as an unexpected surprise; a way to relieve the boredom.

We're going down to Safra later today, to pay a visit to Coach, and hold a farewell of sorts for Shaofei I guess, who's going back to China tomorrow. Can't help but feel a little sad. There'll be friends flying off; over the next few months, and even more further down the road. And as for those who don't, who knows when we'll next meet again; excepting the results collection, of course. It's not just those acquaintances, or "friends of a friend" who you lose, but people whose company you genuinely enjoy and really get along with; as you lose opportunities to meet up out of the school context.

That's what everyone was trying to do during Grad Night I guess; to preserve a memory of having once crossed paths, and yet I find myself cynically noticing, as I scan through the many albums on Facebook, that in each series of photos, which typically comprise of the camera owner standing next to a friend; that the expression, posture, pose; all pretty much remain unchanged between one pic and the next; is there any meaning to it? Is it all just a formality?

I don't doubt that in the future, I'll look at the very same images with fond memories, but now they're just another reminder of what stands to be lost in this transitory phase.

At the end of the entire event, we had people like Hanis and idk who else singing exuberantly on the stage while others jumped around in what Mao termed as the "Mosh Pit", celebrating graduation; the end of As etc, and yet those were the thoughts going through my head. While others can look ahead and celebrate life so energetically, I guess I'm too tired and jaded to do the same.

The double-headed eagle symbolizes drawing upon our past strength to pave the way for a glorious future. I, however; find myself sorely in need of that additional head, as I find myself dwelling in the past.

Perhaps some random-mutation-inducing radiation would do the trick.

Words unspoken; thoughts and feelings that can't be conveyed.

I watch too many serial dramas for my own good; makes me horribly unrealistic.

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And nocturnal, too, evidently.

Crash and burn :)

We all deal with it in different ways, I guess. Primarily by occupying ourselves with other things; to avoid thinking about it.

I wonder when I'll be mature enough to be accepting of it; as a fact of Life.

Life and Death. Can they exist independently, I wonder? Does Death necessarily follow Life, and does Life require Death to persist?

I guess I'm pretty foolish; feeling loss before it has even occurred.

Time seems horribly persistent, at eroding away the things I love and care about.

The helplessness felt when confronting such an unstoppable force is just disgusting.

I let my emotions get away from me again. Couldn't really help myself, with the way things are.

Maybe it's better to have had nothing; rather than something superficial, afterall.

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It's starting to sink in, amidst the highness; which tbh, I don't know how much of is truly heartfelt.