2014 - A Year in Review (Well, not quite)

Well first off, my apologies to readers who've been absolutely dying to know what's going on in the life of this (relatively) insignificant individual over here; I've been lax in my 'duties'. Semi-sarcastic apologies aside, it's been really long since I last dedicated myself towards a post like this, and with the 2015 already almost a week old, I thought that it's prime time to do so. Moving on...

Unlike previous years past, I haven't really found myself taking the time to look back and reflect on the past year, and whilst in the shower a few moments ago, it was with some not-entirely-mock-horror that I realized that I can only begin to pick out and identify key events with some difficulty. Even worse is that with the drought of posts in the year 2014, I find myself bereft of the safety net of simply taking a trip back in time to peruse my archives of events past.
^ Point 1

Point 2:
Now to make a quick reference to an article I came across pretty recently (on FB, because it seems like it's been my only source of relatively quality thought-provoking articles for a while now, which I guess is a damning indictment of the levels to which I have stooped): Why Each Year Seems to Disappear More Quickly Than the Last
Based upon the pretty interesting premise/observation of time seeming to pass more quickly as we age, what struck me more in the article was more to do with how we perceive experiences:
Firstly, that experiences tend to be more intense the first time we encounter them, with the intensity diminishing with a 'Habituation hypothesis' and perhaps more significantly, the later segment about how we can slow down time, which IMO can pretty much be translated to 'How can we better enjoy and experience life'. Listed strategies include Looking for the beauty in things, Limiting multitasking, Enjoying the present moment and Seeking out new experiences. Now, this is very much not a one-size fits all approach; not all of us may possess the wherewithal to Seek Out New Experiences (SONE from now on, acronyms are Sooooo fun) nor may it be feasible to do so, but the rest do seem pretty doable for the everyman.

How does this fit in?

Well I think one of the last few times I posted, I mentioned something about trying to live in the moment more and being in some ways a little less distant/reflective. Now, I'm not saying that typing that has influenced the way I've been doing things since, but I've definitely noticed that in the way I've been approaching and thinking about things in the past months. I'm not going to say whether that's been good or bad, because I've definitely enjoyed myself, but it's just that I'm beginning to swing back the other way in that I now (once again) see the importance of thinking back (or rather more superficially, taking the time to collect my thoughts and put them down somewhere, blogging, for example) and trying to at least get an impression of or to capture the moment so to speak, as it lends a greater (for lack of a better word) rigor towards experiencing the moment, in not just letting yourself be swept along in the flow of time but in doing all you can to absorb and take it all in as you go along, that's the way I'm starting to see it. So in this new year, I suppose one of my largest resolutions, if you wanna call it that, would be to not just live out these moments in my life but to live in them, and perhaps take some time at the end of the day/week to tell myself, THIS is something significant (to me) that I did today, and hopefully this will give me a better grip on reality and more snippets to tether me along in this flow of time.

So I'll start off:
The last couple of days of the two week hols were pretty much spent working - Working on studying the anatomy of the components of the head involved in mastication, taste  and so on. It wasn't exactly the toughest thing I've worked at in LKC so far, but I somehow felt more satisfied than usual with the amount of effort I put into trying to understand it, and in being less dismissive of things than I had been in previous anatomy sessions. I was thus pretty pleased during the practical session where I was able to follow most of the material covered. It's a pretty stupid thing to be pleased about; I know that my preparatory work for this session was probably for others the amount of effort they've been putting in all along but at least to me it shows me a way forwards and if I'm able to carry on in this vein I'll give myself a pass.

Not quite a review of 2014 or rather not really a review, but for some reason I'm not quite inclined to look backwards right now so this will have to do.

Till next time, ciao

2013-2014

It's not been an overly hectic start to 2013, first week of school was pretty refreshing, the sad part of our hols is that 2 weeks isn't enough to do much but yet long enough to begin feeling the boredom of staying and stoning at home all day. An exciting life I do not possess. So, as I was saying, it was refreshing to get into the swing of things once again, to shake off the cobwebs that accumulate as they are wont to do when the mind is idle, and to emerge from my shell to engage in some sustained human interaction, and with it the realization that perhaps I'm not as introverted as I originally thought. It gets tiring, all these conversations in my head, and bouncing ideas off of indifferent walls, after awhile, and important to listen to ideas and voices that aren't my own. I may not perform well in social situations but I definitely do get by better with rather than without them.

Well, to do justice to 2013, it was pretty much one of the most heterogeneous years I remember of my admittedly short life. Strangely enough, though with some effort I can dredge up some less than distinct memories of my time in NS, and recall vaguely some of the frustrations and difficulties I agonized over during that period, they all feel so distant now, in fact, ever since I disrupted  rarely did I ever cast my mind back to those army days, perhaps the reason for the so aptly named Army Daze. They changed me, that's for sure, but I'm still not sure how and I'm also not sure I'd enjoy finding out. My med school experiences are obviously much less documented and maybe that's because of a desire to do more think less. Over-analysis has perhaps not served me as well, so I guess I'd like to immerse myself more in moments, and take things as they come and develop, rather than being cynical or attributing undue expectations to things because of my over-thinking. I've been enjoying it though, and especially just those nights watching a couple of episodes of House along with conversations rambling long into the night. I want to open myself up more to such experiences, to be the recipient of and giver of kindness with grace and to basically just be a less tightly-wound individual as a whole. And perhaps, more and more, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I have to be able to see myself as a victim of events rather than a perpetrator of the way things are, and accept that the outcome may simply be out of my control, though the what-ifs, could-have-beens and regrets do torment and threaten to overwhelm me at times.

I'm glad though, to have maintained ties with the few close friends I have, it's a little sobering to think that we'll pretty much be further scattered and have less opportunities to meet up, if ever. We'll find a way, I'm sure, and it's selfish to expect that things stay the way the are, we all have our paths to tread upon.

I guess I've already kinda alluded to what I'd like to aspire towards in this year ahead, to accept the things that happen to me with an open heart, yet to not lose heart that I do have a crucial role to play in deciding my "fate". To try to be less of an ass to the people I care for, no matter how fun it may be, and to curb, just a little, this innate impulsiveness of mine, which is quite paradoxical, really, I carefully consider things till the very last moment when it really matters, then more often than not screw up when I lose my cool. And well, not lastly, of course, because there never is an end to what we aspire towards, is there, but at least to end this off, I want to cut back on the waste in my life. I don't really know how to describe it, I was pretty sure I did while in the shower but it eludes me now, so I'll just go with this: Very often, I do things just for the sake of it, in a mind-numbing self-desensitization of sorts, which doesn't give me anything in return. Now, I'm not saying that I expect myself to be absolutely efficient and productive, but at least I'd like to be unproductive in a way that actually means something, be it me truly enjoying myself, or doing something that while not exactly savoury, does serve to toughen me up/make me stronger in some way. It's a tough ask, and I'm really not sure whether I'll have the self-discipline to go through with it, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll revert to my ways right after completing this post, but at least by putting it out here, hopefully I can begin working towards it.

PS I realize that I've omitted in some ways perhaps the most life-changing experience of all: Getting into LKCSoM,  maybe because I'm still in it and it's not as simple to take a step back and say, okay, this is how it has affected me, and that's what I think/feel about it. I'm still processing, is what I want to say, and maybe I'm a little too lazy at this point to time to attempt to commit these thoughts to "paper". It's been an enriching experience, the people I've met and things I've seen, some of which have affected me to a very visceral level, I guess I'll hold on to them a little longer, let them fester, and find a way to do this when the time is right.

New year resolutions (to be edited as I go along):

1. To fulfill and discharge my role as a spec with some modicum of pride and accountability, cause that's the least I can do
2. To reach that precious 301113 without any further incidents, to have a safe and smooth ORD
3. To improve my fitness, generally speaking my current condition is unacceptable.
4. To persevere in the face of adversity, and to react to it not with frustration but polite resistance.
5. To be persistent in pursuing my interests without dragging my feet. 

So maybe I've had a little too much to drink at Yifan's birthday celebration. Vodka is freaking awesome. Initially left a warm burning sensation down my throat, but subsequent cups downed with ice left a refreshingly cool yet warm buzz all over :D (I just might be a happy drunk; there's still hope!) Had a pretty good time there too, and I'm horribly impressed by how hospitable he was, cooking some awesome Chinese food himself and in general the way he handled the whole thing. I really enjoyed the opportunity to catch up with some old friends as well. Always good to hear things from a different perspective; a fresh breath of air and all that.

Ah nevermind, there's nothing much to say, really. It's saddening, this dearth of meaning. Kinda makes me want to do something, anything, for an infusion into my life. In fact, I'm probably checking into IMH next Sat, which isn't as bad as I'm intentionally making it sound, of course, and I'll have to get myself up to speed with regards to uni apps and all that nonsense. It's horrible having to deal with these things at the very moment when I find myself bereft of motivation, a little depressed, maybe, and having to deal with the last few weeks of life as a specialist cadet. Life in camp is really routine, can be a little frustrating, and is ultimately consuming. It doesn't allow much time for distraction, and demands much of the attention and energy I have to give, precluding extraneous thoughts and leaving me not much spirit at the end of the week, or even at the end of a day at work, during my rest hours to focus towards the more "significant" endeavors. My brain refuses to work properly, which doesn't exactly help either :/

Guess I can no longer wait for life to "move on", bogged down as it is by this mess that is NS. Instead, I've gotta take the initiative and make things happen, not simply allow them to happen to me, eh?

I've come to realize that time and awkwardness do nothing to come between an earnest and sincere relationship (most generic term possible). If you genuinely want me to be/remain part of your life, and make it possible, that's where I'll be. And I'll make room for you as well. Pretty simple, when laid out like that. I want to put in the effort to do so, and not let people who I really enjoyed spending time with become mere "corridor friends" inhabiting the halls of memory.

Cracked Windows

Sometimes I think about things for hours on end, not knowing quite how to express it myself, and all of a sudden, it comes to me. So here it is, something that's been washing round my mind (what's left of it anyways) the past week in ETI.

I believe everyone has an inbuilt barometer, one that tells them when something is "screwed-up" and when it is not. Everyone knows it, and nobody wants to go through life doing things which they themselves perceive as screwed-up. And yet, evidently so many people do. Why? It's when external factors are introduced, things that cloud their judgement, over-ride the innate desire to do good. It's the mindset "everyone does it, so if I don't I'll lose out". It's because when the window is already cracked, when imperfections and flaws are present, that they decide, and rationalize, and decide that there's no point preserving something already messed up, so they might as well mess it up more for their own convenience. And I care. I think it's debasing, when we live our lives this way, when we could be and are so much more. And so, despite being the procrastinator that I am, I want to be the one who mends the window, and removes the obstacles preventing us from exercising our better judgement, providing something around which things can crystallize and begin to grow.

A little over-ambitious perhaps? And a short call earlier just illuminated me as to how myopic I can be, to miss out the cracks growing right under my nose. I still have to try, nonetheless.

A question, though: If people really do want to do good, will anything be able to prevent them from doing so? Is aiming to make it less tough for others to make a "right" decision really the right way to go about things?

To the former, I'd really rather not say. As to the latter, I believe that these types of things need to grow and develop incrementally. The first time is tough, the second time isn't easier, nor are the subsequent times, yet as you go along, a habit is developed, and soon it'll become second nature.

People can be influence by the most inconsequential of things. A teacher of mine (I don't even remember who anymore!) shared with a bunch of us about something he observed in some other country at a fast food outlet. Having consumed their meals, customers would neatly fold up their burger wrappers before clearing their trays at the bins. And ever since hearing that, that's exactly what I've been doing. Fold the wrapper into halves, quarters then eighths before clearing my tray; clearing up after myself. A small thing, true, but something that matters to me :)

Do I make sense? :P

Resolutions for 2012

A pretty convenient excuse to post in point form, so I'll just get to it:

1. Eat healthier, exercise more, get fitter - Pretty much a given thanks to NS (I hope) but still a worthwhile start to the list
2. Be less selfish - What I do, I do out of my own free will (to the greatest possible extent, anyway). Though I'm entitled to be a little cynical about things, I shall be less concerned about whether those efforts are reciprocated or even appreciated/registered or not.
3. Worry less, enjoy more - Pretty self-explanatory. I often think that I "think too much" (which may itself be a meta-problem haha) about loads of things; things which; more often than not are out of my control. Incessant worrying, occasional "emo-ing" which I guess I could do without.
4. To make more of my time and get more out of life - Pretty vague; I know what I'm getting at without quite being able to put it into words. 
5. To act more maturely and respond less reactively (emotions-wise; don't know how else to describe it) to situations - I feel I have to have more self-control, basically. I shock myself sometimes at how acerbic I can be; at the accusatory tones I can inject into my voice at times, knowing full well how hurtful it can be. Social interactions/relationships aren't - or shouldn't be at least - about "winning" or anything like that, and it doesn't get anyone anywhere; besides leaving a really bitter aftertaste. And when I observe such things going on (that don't involve me) I've got to be able to do better than just keep quiet; or forcing my way in and making things that much worse. 
6. To step up more, and not shirk responsibility - Ironic considering what I was trying to do in J1; and I'm not particularly proud of what I did wrt to that in 2011 upon some critical reflection, something I really have to work on; both this year and the years to come.
7. Confidence - I've been improving, methinks, but still lots of room for improvement. Can't really blame others for not valuing me when I don't value myself much at all.
8. To be strong - One of the most important I feel. It's something I always hope for/expect from myself and this year is no different; except maybe requiring a little more on the physical front to cope with NS.
9. And lastly, to be myself; always. No matter the changes/improvements/whatever I'd like to see in myself, and my numerous imperfections (thus necessitating this list of resolutions!) to never stray from who I am, what I believe in, and stand for. To not compromise "myself" though the idea of me-ness still remains a little vague at this point of time.

And other stuff, of course, but it was never meant to be an exhaustive list :)

I remain optimistic of  the year to come, yet have made the conscious effort to temper those expectations with a healthy dose of realism.


"Be like the headland against which the waves break and break: it stands firm, until presently the watery tumult around it subsides once more to rest. 'How unlucky I am, that this should have happened to me!' By no means; say, rather, 'How lucky I am that this has left me with no bitterness; unshaken by the present, and undismayed by the future."
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

An apt approach to the future I think; to keep everything in perspective, and to face life's challenges stoutly and bravely.

Shan't spoil it with further over-analysis, and with that, I end my resolutions haha.

Happy New Year, guys! Let's make it an awesome one, wherever we may be, whatever we may be doing and (shall I say?) whoever we may/may not be with :)