I had a pretty interesting night yesterday hehe. After much procrastination and indecision,  we (Gab, Charm, Jean, Dylan and I) decided to meed at Kallang Leisure Park, purportedly to go ice-skating. Imagine my surprise when upon reaching, they announced that we'd be going to Geylang for dinner instead. So off we went, thankfully Gabriel drove, parked at Lorong 2X and we walked around looking for somewhere to grab some dinner. Well anyway it was a pretty eye-opening experience, you know, you hear about it but I never knew prostitution in Geylang could be well...so...blatant. Scantily dressed women just standing along the streets not-quite soliciting while the intent was so explicitly obvious, massive groups of guys, some of them lining up in what seemed to be queues, some of them engaged in apparent discussions, the content of which I can only shudder to imagine, money changing hands and also random "couples" with an age gap that seemed too great to look any decent stepping out of some Hotel 81, steadfastedly not looking at each other after the event. So it was pretty interesting to walk through the throngs of people conducting their business, taking sideways glances at some of the products laid out by the more enterprising ones, various tablets of IDK what, performance enhancers I suppose, laid out neatly along the sidewalk, and I can only wonder what the conversations that take place between buyer and seller must sound like... "Sooo...what does this blue one do?" "It makes your @#$@# @#$@#  #$%$5" "Then what does that one do?" "...." I guess sometimes...it's better not to ask so many questions..

Dinner itself was good, followed by much wandering around Geylang looking for some place that sold dessert, which was unfortunately nowhere to be found. After much random wandering, wherein the above ^ observations were made, along with much random BS, we decided to give it up and go for a driveby instead, stopping at Jean's place for awhile before heading home. All in all an enjoyable time, though we didn't really plan that well in advance x.x

I was dealt a pretty cruel blow last week, for shooting, NOT anything else xP Team selection trials for the NUSIS, and before my detail, I happened to see on the coach's laptop that the next lowest shooter, the only guy I had a realistic chance of beating to get onto the final team of 3, shot 548. So, I set that as my aim for the trial. Things started off badly in my first series, I was unable to quite find my proper form nor the feeling to shoot a 9, let alone a 10, so it was always going to be an uphill task playing catchup with the subsequent 5 series. I somehow managed to recover somewhat, and was counting my score in my head, trying my utmost to hit +18 (because I use 9 as my baseline, a 8 is -1, 10 is +1).My form improved, and I managed to break even before making some headway, reducing my misfires to a minimum but eventually -by my count- missed on by about 5 points. My coach tends to be a little more lenient though so he eventually gave me a score of 548, target reached, right? But it was not to be, cause in some pretty sick twist of fate, either I remembered the score wrongly or he noted it down on his laptop wrongly; that guy got 549, 1 point higher than I did. Pretty ironic and sad, I guess, after counting so closely, and actually attaining my target, that target turned out to be off, by just that little bit. Maybe I shouldn't have been so focused on the score, but this time I didn't really get the impression that it was an incorrect focus that held me back, I don't think I could have done much better at my current standard tbh. Can't help it, I guess, I don't quite know how the team will turn out now, but it's all out of my hands.

Hmmm idk, maybe what holds us back just when we're thinking of taking that one step forward is the thought that it'd mean 2 more steps to just get back to where we used to be if things didn't turn out as expected, and even that is just an unlikely possibility. We can't just continue standing where we are, yet we're so afraid to step forward, trying to pick the moment, when things feel right. As with so many other things, it's all a matter of timing. It's all so very confusing >< And in part it's not fair to carry on with such uncertainty, is it? You get one hand clapping, with the other not quite sure where it wants to be. Or maybe that other hand is just thinking too much and should just give it time to see how things develop.

Days

I guess I could be making more productive use of my time but I'm not too ashamed with what I've been doing with my new-found freedom as I'm pretty aware of what awaits me once the school term starts. So, some chill time, gladly appreciated, C'est la vie.

Two Sundays back I found myself along with my family aboard a super luxury yacht (at least it seemed luxurious from my limited worldview xP), 3 rooms below deck, a saloon in the cabin and a viewing gallery above, complete with a kayak and speedboat onboard; all courtesy of my dad's friend (who chartered it, not so rich that he'd own one). It's an amazing way to spend the afternoon if the weather's forgiving, a 2 hour cruise out to the smaller islands littered around Singapore, with a short stopover at Kusu Island before heading back. I'm a horrible writer so I shan't mention over-used cliches such as having the sun on my face, wind in my hair etc, it just felt wonderfully serene to sit on the front deck and feel the waves go by, to stand at the bow, clenching tightly onto the railing, fearful that I'd be taken away by the wind and the waves, yet at the same time unable to resist the thrill involved, and to yes, imitate that Titanic pose xP Great chance to unleash the inner camwhore too~

 

 

 And I guess KH's incessant attempts to capture an "artistic" shot of some waterway yielded some nice pics as well~

The evening was occupied with a leisurely stroll along the boardwalk towards Labrador Park for dinner, taking in the sunset over the hill in the distance, the play of light across the water with the boardwalk sinuous, extending on...heck I'll just let the photos speak their thousand words.

 

All this accompanied by the not totally unwelcome chatter of my siblings, walking on. I do appreciate a good ambience.

Monday, SAF day, (my official disruption day btw XP) a casual meetup with Amos at AMK to take advantage of the various offers around for NSmen, unfortunately, and more than a little irritatingly, Fish & Co (and yes I'm singling them out) required us to be in Long 4 to benefit from the discount, which was baffling - shouldn't the 11B suffice as identification - and perhaps a little ironic: Who'd have guessed that in order to recognize the contributions of our NSmen you'd have to literally recognize and be able to single them out as well? Perhaps a misguided attempt to improve the image of the uniform, amidst the repeated STOMPing by the media. So we boycotted them for Pepper Lunch before heading to Bishan library, chilled a little before catching World War Z (more on that later) and departing.

I was supposed to go down to the medical centre at NTU for my checkup Tuesday afternoon but left the house too late (slight miscalculation on my part, 2 hours from home, really?) and ended up meeting my mum for lunch at Serangoon Gardens instead. Oh how little we actually speak, you and I. Your company no less welcome, very much loved. Why do we find communication so difficult?

Wednesday down to NTU for my medical, went down especially early to beat the crowds, ran into Soon Hong and a couple of future coursemates, spotted by virtue of those who had the yellow immunization form, conversation was haltingly awkward, as was the same for the more organized meetup on Thursday at Tiong Bahru, but thankfully NS has left us loads of common ground to cover, introductions to be made "Oh I was from 38 SCE, you know where Sungei Gedong is? Yeah, armored engineer, how bout you?" I guess it'll all work out somehow. I realize though that when I meet new people though I'm now a lot less reticient and reluctant to open up, I have this tendency to be overwhelmed/crowded out by the shall-we-say more outspoken and boistrous of those you'd find in a group. Suffice to say I prefer my interactions to be on a more personal and intimate level, something which I find lacking in larger group interactions; in which I feel intimacy and perhaps even sincerity may have to be sacrificed in the interest of being inclusive, which is very much a skill in and as of itself, but I just don't seem to have the energy! Alvin kept quoting from that book of his that while we may be able to adapt to various social situations, those we find ourselves most comfortable with are indicative of our personalities (a bit duh but hey wth). I guess I'm an introvert way inside, not much of a surprise, that, I just lack the high-ness to thrive in big group situations, they're often mentally taxing and I often find myself feeling drained after the event, though I'll admit to having enjoyed myself a fair bit.

Saturday, received a call around 12.10 at home from Kang Hui's bandmate, asking whether she "was around", thinking she wasn't at home, I replied that she wasn't till Kang Yan corrected me; she was still sleeping. Cue shock from her friend, cause apparently KH was supposed to meet with her section for rehearsals for the matinee performance of her concert not much later on. She was so hysterical when woken up that I actually felt sorry for her (which makes me sound worse than I am, honest) so I calmed her down before walking her out, fortunately for her she got a lift from my aunt and uncle, so she wasn't too late. It really was quite amusing to watch her hysterics though! Speaking of missed calls turns out I got shortlisted for the student union camp, many applicants, very few slots so evidently I was quite lucky. I, however, didn't pick up the original call from my would-be facil - sister turned my phone to silent mode when I left it to charge... - and when he called back later, he at first wasted a lot of time trolling me by saying he was from the Med faculty and had to review my application cause they'd taken in too many people (yeah right...) before asking me to sing him a song. It should have struck me that it was basic ragging and that I should have played along a lot better, but sad to say I phailed very badly (I mean it shouldn't be that hard to think of a song and just sing it however badly on the spot, right?) and then had to hang up on him mid-call to attend the aforesaid concert; horrible timing by all accounts, he actually called right when I was about to enter the concert hall and they were about to close the doors for the performances to begin, and when I smsed him asking whether I could call back the next day, apparently they were done selecting people for the camp, so missed opportunity there perhaps... More time to myself before school begins, then.

I've been watching a shitload of movies lately, and that in addition to loads of time spent trawling the depths of Youtube, I'll leave that for another post.

And the days roll by. Without the continuous rhythm of book ins and outs to mark the passage of time I've been finding myself quite lost to be honest. Every day's a Friday. TGIF~

On Hiatus, for now

Well, it's over, for now, that is. It's strange how much clutter the past 17 months have left me, clutter in my room, head and heart.

That last day Friday in Gedong had sadness, nostalgia and no small measure of joy I'll admit all rolled up into one. I had delayed on signing my clearance forms, perhaps borne of an unvocalized and irrational desire to prolong my stay, and once I wanted to get it signed, I realized to my dismay that Captain Paul (my OC) had taken overseas leave for the rest of the week and I had to find someone else to sign it, a little more troublesome than it needed to be. After that I needed to pass the forms on to Persnode and to surrender my camp pass as well, however after making the trip down I found (and at this point I was more bemused than anything else) a sign pasted on the door "We will be closed on 280613 and will be open for half a day on 010713" so having posted the previous night that I had probably spent my last night in Gedong and would miss the place, the irony that perhaps I'd been granted my wish afterall wasn't lost on me. Eventually though, I was able to drop it off with my S1 for safekeeping and a promise that they'd pass it on to Persnode for me; much to my relief. The rest of the morning was pretty much spent packing the last of my things, making decisions on what to leave behind, what not to, farewells bade, signing out on the book in/out book for the last time (Reason: Disruption how understated) followed by one last trip down to the E-mart with Kenneth, Nelson and Lt. Gerald to spend the last of my credits (boots for everyone!), "luggage" in tow, and out, out the guardhouse, "Once Armour Always Armour" same for armoured engineers?, and off to CMPB, an exchange, green for pink, immeasurable elation, a civilian once more.

I'm glad then, that after rushing through my dental and medical FFIs on Wednesday (a farce, if I may say so) that I had the opportunity to sweat it out with the rest of the section in reassembling one side of the Wallaby tank's track, breaking the other side and stripping the track pads from it. Sweaty but honest work, and if felt good to work on arguably our toughest task as AE with the rest for the last time, along with the satisfaction of a job well done. I couldn't help but have some lingering feelings, guilt at being unable to help the guys with the rest of Wallaby prep, so many things unsettled and undone, missing the retarded and fun times together, yet I know that these are soon to evaporate, as such sentiment is wont to do, with the passage of time. Does the time that we had together have any less meaning because of that? I think not.

As a whole, and in a bid to put a fullstop to this stage of my NS journey, it's certainly been an eye-opening experience, one that I find myself able to look upon (selectively, of course) with no small amount of fondness.The pretty quintessential army experience in BMT and SCS, along with the totally unexpected opportunity to be an Armored Engineer and drive a freaking tank are all going to reside in my memory. It's fairly obvious, at least to myself, that I've changed, to some extent or the other, throughout my time in NS. I've met people who I've truly disliked (quite a first, trust me) and as I progressed through, I think I've become, on some level, more impatient and quick to judge, sometimes quick to frustration (though hopefully not to frustrate). I have though, at least I'd like to think, become a little better at communicating, more open, and really, quite a bit better at standing up for myself. Amidst all this change, I've also come to realize that there are aspects of myself which for better or worse, aren't going to change as easily. Army has made me aware of my limitations. It's not an easy thing to accept, knowing that no matter how much I try, though there are aspects of my personality which sway perceptions of me in ways I don't entirely enjoy, that there's sometimes not much that I can do about it. I can't help but wonder if that's a role which I've sunk myself into too deeply to find my way out of at this point of time. And do we, as we go on and meet new people in life, seek to assign and consign them to familiar roles, in a subconscious bid to simplify daily interactions? It kinda makes sense, if you take it that our Monkey Spheres only have room for so many people, so taking it as if we were interacting with the same basic kinds of people, over and over again, might make things easier, no? Or perhaps as we enter foreign environments, we seek comfort in familiarity, make attempts to recreate what we already had, slide easily into roles we're used to adopting, substitution at work. Pretty interesting line of thought for personal pondering, maybe.

I've deviated somewhat from my original aim, I guess that's for the best, I've been left with a wealth of memories, loads of nostalgia and if I were to unload it all here I'd probably never be finished. Let's leave it as such, for now, though I still feel somewhat unsatisfied. Maybe I'll come back sometime in the future (not)

It's time to move on, on and on. And while the magic may not always flow, I'd like that we move on together, for a little more at least, though hopefully a lot longer.

Trance

Trance, not much food for thought but thoroughly and literally mind fucking, and there were much *ucks to give, and many a "wow that escalated quickly" moment. Really quite fascinating how they're basically going over the same few scenes again and again, with each iteration shedding new light on some previously unremarkable detail, something I really appreciated as all the loose threads came together. Worth a rewatch perhaps, and not only because of certain scenes. I would have liked to see though, a moment at least where that hypnotist wasn't so freaking sure of herself, her composure only really shattered in that last anti-climatic climax, and even then everything worked out the way she wanted it to; where's the fun in that?

Would you rather hurt, or forget that it all ever happened? A pretty pertinent question methinks, a very hypothetical one obviously, given that it's highly likely that we'll be given the choice, but still something worth considering. The film, somewhat ironically, depicted the hypnotherapist as having emotional baggage from a previous violent relationship, thereby reacting in a decidedly over-the-top manner to the abuse: determined to be a victim no longer, she (spoiler) hypnotized her ex to forget about her and (further spoiler) to steal a painting for her to make it up to her (/spoiler) which kicked off the whole thing in the first place, rather than using her considerable abilities to you know, get over his obsession instead.

So on one hand if she had forgotten about it the whole thing wouldn't have happened, but on the other she made the guy forget, but it all came back; whether intentionally on her part or not I shall leave up to debate, so I suppose we could see this as the director having it both ways.

Personally I'd rather bear hurtful memories than to forget them, or to never have experienced them. I'm not a highly religious person, so I won't say that everything happens for a reason, that's something I find hard to accept, but what I do believe is that no matter what we experience, it does change us, sometimes irrevokably. To reject them is to reject who we are. So yes, perhaps there've been multiple disappointments, and much grounds for regret, yet upon thinking things through, I have to say that I don't regret them, or at least not enough to let these regrets become a defining part of my life. Rather than agonizing over could-have-beens and what ifs, I am who I am because of what I've been through, and the only way forwards is as myself, not what I wished I could be, and that's the way it is.

It was an enjoyable Saturday out, especially after spending 3 hours on that ISAT paper, 100 questions of tediousness -.- (thankfully I did well enough, I think!) Though we didn't go for the trial lesson in the end, as we were running late and thus decided, practically outside the centre, that it wasn't worth paying the full amount for the remaining time, it was fun nonetheless, after the unavoidable period of sitting around wondering what to do next. MEDz was good, maybe even better than Marché and it was hilarious discussing (but mostly listening to Mos and Angie debate about) the phylogenetics of cliques in our class, and the recounting, to various degrees of success so many past incidents xP Shots with some cocktails at Acid Bar (Jack's treat, to be reciprocated at some later date, I swear!) rounded off the evening on a high note, quite literally in the case of someone who can't tahan alcohol lololol, and I had to cab home having missed the last bus by 10 mins, quite unfortunately :/

For reasons completely (at least I'd like to think) unrelated to prestige I'm glad and proud to have been from Raffles. For the education and breadth of thought which it opened to me, for inculcating in me a consciousness and awareness of myself and my responsibilities as part of something bigger, for teaching me, even as I blundered my way through the years, to never shy away from the difficult questions, and to take pride in my work, something which I'm beginning to realize is very important and sometimes a rarity indeed, for "telling" me that I'm special, not because of what I am, but because everyone is worth listening to, and lastly, for the people I've met, and perhaps that last one is what I'm most grateful for. And I don't see anything wrong with such a pride, and it's a sad thing when people start to turn that against you, label that pride as arrogance, and put you and what you do down just because of where you came from. The walls of reality close in, shackles seeking to tie you down, and it's an ever-exhausting experience to fight against a world that seeks to shame you with your own brilliance (urgh, arrogant phrasing much?) and drag you down. I know people who appear to do it effortlessly, and it's very admirable, but for me at least, it's a daily challenge.

I had no idea where this was going when I first started, but I guess I do now. Basically prestige may or may not factor into the decisions we make, and that's perfectly okay. I've been thinking for awhile now about doing the right things for the wrong reasons, doing the wrong things for the right reasons and every other possible permutation in between, with "right" and "wrong" being entirely subjective. Though I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this to me, at the end of the day the motivations and reasons aren't so important anymore (besides giving you the strength to carry on of course), more important is what you're able to imbibe and take away from the whole thing; is it gonna be a meaningful experience or are you just going to say "I'm glad that's finally over", and what you go on to from there. As humans there's an irresistible tendency to pass moral judgement on the people around us, I'm a frequent victim to this too, simply can't help myself. It can be entertaining, obviously, but in the end does it even matter?

Well I've been pretty occupied the past week or so, not to mention Blogger has been deleting some of the drafts I type out in camp so that's the reason for the paucity of posts >< and somehow I guess my writing and expressive ability has been somewhat impaired over the course of the past year. Anyhow, here we go.

My prime occupation had been in preparation for yesterday's interview at NTU, the buildup to it was a little pressurizing for me, and I have to admit my patience did wear thin a couple of times at the perceived over-interference of my parents, hiring an interview coach/personal motivator, getting my uncle involved, and also my dad closing his clinic both on Friday afternoon and night to pick me up from camp and grill me, as well as on Saturday morning to send me for the interview. And yet after those transient moments steaming in the car, and feeling a little pissed off, what I do feel most strongly is the care and concern that they've showered me with, and it's something I don't want to take for-granted. Care, to me, is simply doing something for another person that you don't strictly have to do, even to the point of inconveniencing yourself at times, and that's precisely what they have done. So yes, I'm a little shocked by how on my dad was about the whole thing, even moreso than myself I daresay, making the effort to end work early during the weekdays to call me at night and speak about certain questions and issues, and sending loads of stuff to me on whatsapp, things he'd researched about till 4am, and lots more, and sometimes I find it a bother, but what I realized is that when people show you such care, the least you could do is accept it with an open heart, no matter what form it comes in, because yes, we all express our care for others in different ways. Another instance, my uncle, an awesome cardiologist who regales us with stories of the various different countries he travels to - sponsored of course - to attend conferences, having spent the whole day chairing a meeting, still volunteered to pick me up to go over to his house and address any questions I may have, though we eventually ended up simply eating this heavenly-tasting chilli crab which he'd brought back from the conference. So you know, sometimes I get really frustrated with my family, we often have trouble communicating well with each other and that sometimes leads to misunderstandings and arguments but from the bottom of my heart I'm thankful that they've allowed me to grow up not knowing what it's like to be loved, and to have a desire to care for others as well.

I find it strange, too, that despite how I torment myself wondering about the purpose and meaning of words, that my thoughts and intentions could be so crystallized, directed and focused, through simply vocalizing them. Over the past week I've spoken extensively and quite freely about my motivations and desire to be a doctor, and call it brainwashing if you will, doing so has somehow tied all the loose strands together, I'm no longer confused about what I want to do, and it somehow seems a logical result of the narrative up till now. I really think I performed a lot better for the interviews this time around, hopefully things turn out well xP

Onto another topic, my bunkmate who been attached for 4 years started talking about how he can't stop thinking about another girl and how he feels that this may show he doesn't love his girlfriend that much, or that he's together with her because of the history behind their relationship and all that she's done for him and not because he loves her, or that there may be someone who comes along who he may potentially love even more. Rather than talk about whether this is right, or whether he's being an asshole or whatever, I'd rather segue right on into relationships in general. I've often pondered about what it is that keeps people together, either romantically, or maybe even as friends. Like for example if someone asks you just what is it that you like about your friend, you may say that they're caring, generous, fun to be with etcetc, but what you must notice is that there are certainly people out there who are more so, than them, so assuming that we can only maintain close relationships with some few or at least a limited number of people, are we then compromising/settling? If you say that ok, that may be so, but what keeps us together is rather the experiences we've shared, the times that we had, our shared history basically, what then happens when we're pulled apart by circumstances not within either of our control? It's pretty likely that you'd meet someone, eventually, with similar attributes, and whom you get to spend more time with, and eventually become closer to. Do we then "move on" so to speak? It's quite a depressing subject to think about, all things considered. Or maybe relationships are sustained in such cases when both parties put effort into doing so, however this means that should one side suddenly decide to disengage, having found someone else, then the entire thing falls apart. I don't like the idea that people are substitutable, but something about humans is this innate drive to carry on with life, though loss we may experience, and after awhile the wounds heal over, scars fade, and we move on, though what we find may not be an exact fit, we carry on.

So what does this mean? I have no idea, actually, but what I do know is that I'll treasure those relationships and friends that I have, knowing that they could fade away in the future, but rather than cause for despair, I suppose this is an even more compelling reason to treasure them while I still can. And should they one day vanish, I'd rather not grieve over them, but hold those memories even closer to heart.
 

A Giving of Thanks

No, December hasn't yet descended upon us, but it's as an opportune time as any to let this out. It's nothing new perhaps, but it's something I can never repeat enough.

Thank you, friends, for being people I can share freely so much of myself with, from the deepest of concerns to the most frivolous of passing thoughts, though they may be met with merciless laughter.

Thank you for making even the most mundane of walks down the street filled by laughter without abandon, flowing so freely that I wonder how I could lack of it so dearly in day to day life.

Thank you for those strolls in twos, reminiscing about times past, for the (I'd like to think) intelligent, or at the very least heartfelt discourse on all things under the sun, moon and stars (and whatever other celestial bodies) wherever our chatter may wander, and for the sharing of dreams for the future large enough for us all, never let them die.

Thank you also, for being there in those sombre moments, when the initial high of the encounter has faded, and we find our minds occupied with individual thoughts. Some things we may only deal with ourselves, but it's reassuring to know I don't have to dwell on them alone. I used to think, in a curious mix of naïveté and cynicism that the "who" in that equation, that the person didn't matter, but I've grown to realize that it's all that really does.

Thank you for so many more things, things no less in importance yet number too greatly for this sleep deprived mind to list. Trust that they are appreciated regardless, in myriad forms, by a quiet heart.

So lastly, thank you for the time, all of it, past, present future, that something so spontaneous could go so absofreakinglutely well to birth such a rewardingly cathartic experience is rare indeed. Overanalyzing things or being overly verbose I may be accused of, and I guess I probably do care about things, horribly microscopic things that nobody else does, but lastly, thank you for the memories, may they never die. I keep them close to heart. And may there be many others, more, to illuminate the way along this winding road ahead.

All In Good Time

I guess there's much to be said about resilience; but there's something damn screwed up when you realize that we've inadvertently become a society which sucker punches you so hard when you're down that it's so much harder to get up again. It's disgusting to think about how so much work could be unravelled by a single moment of carelessness/indiscretion.

I blame myself, though. Should I expect any leniency?

Anyways I spent much of the day sleeping, somehow became unwell over the night, but it was a good weekend to cap off a horrible week nonetheless, and it helped me to take my mind off things. Met up with the guys on Sat after so long, though it took a little effort to coordinate the thing. Jack is damn epic, seriously: "Apparently I 'm having an appointment" hahaha. Dinner at Cityhall was pretty decent, and photobooth on Angie's MacBook was pretty interesting as well. It's a genius idea to turn what practically every laptop has (a webcam) into such a fun device with all the filters, transformations and so on with a seamless interface. Makes you wonder why Windows has so much trouble doing the same.

All In Good Time was a pretty cool movie, just the right length without being draggy; I'm not going to bother summarizing it here. Lot's of laughs, and it dealt with a lot of issues that may crop up in a marriage pretty believably as well.

Favorite line:
(When the bride and her mum were talking about sexual naïveté or something on her wedding night)

"Where do you think the karma sutra came from?"

"That's for export only, we never did it"

As an added bonus imagine it delivered with the stereotypical Indian accent xP

Anyways, bookouts now are pretty much the same as ever, sans the sense of anticipation of what could be which I used to feel each time I stepped onto the MRT. Utterly unrealistic, I know, but that's just the way my mind functions. I'll move on, in good time, but move on to what seems to be the more important question. As for now, I simply need to focus and get this annoyance out of the way.

Had an outing with Amos and Merv again yesterday. There's a pretty good pizza place, Manhattan Pizza or something over at Orchard Central (was it?). We shared a pizza, pretty worth it imo, then caught Celeste And Jesse Forever at Orchard Cineleisure. Nice little movie about best friends who are separated (as in that thing preceding a divorce) and yet continue to hang out together, and how they move on in life. I'd probably watch it again haha, can totally see why Mos is a sucker for these types of shows. After that was a walk along Orchard. It's so freaking bright! Haha and I think I can get a little high when given the chance to express myself.

Paying more for handmade goods = A form of sadism indeed!

Just think about it, assuming 2 somethings - I don't really care what - appear pretty much identical, and of similar quality, the only difference being one was machine-made while the other was painstakingly made, maybe by some elderly man in the mountain, the last scion of a dying craft (I love my melodrama); branding aside, which would you buy? Which would you be willing to pay more for? Forgive me for hazarding a guess but I'm pretty sure most would say the latter. Or even better, give someone 2 identical somethings but tell them that one's machine made while the other is handmade, they'd probably choose the second once again. Why? Is is simply because we automatically assume that something is of better quality simply because more human attention has been paid to it? Does it give us a nice fuzzy feeling inside when we think about the chair we sit in, or the clothes we wear, or the rugs we tread upon being painstakingly and lovingly carved out/stitched/whatever over hours and hours? Or maybe it's some kind of perverse sadism; we simply love the idea that hours of blood, sweat and tears have been invested as some complete stranger toiled over the thing that we're so casually sitting in/wearing/stepping on.

Or maybe it just makes you feel special. In a world where it's all too easy to feel yourself drowning in anonymity, where anything you feel adept in, undoubtedly proud of, someone else can definitely do better, maybe wearing something that someone out there dedicated themselves exclusively to makes you feel all that more unique. Who am I to judge.

I realize that I'm selfish, I crave exclusivity. I don't mind sharing what I have with others, but I want it to be clear that it belongs to me. I guess I feel the same about relationships as well, which perhaps is why I'm so plagued by that emptiness. It's immature, I know, but it's something I can't help as well.

Went out with Amos, Angie and Merv yesterday, caught Ted, had a good chat, played L4D2 and capped it off with Double Down Chicken at Astons. It was a pretty good day. It feels so different somehow, carelessly talking to a couple of close friends, freely talking about whatever I feel like talking about, reminiscing. Thanks! And it's these kind of moments that I recollect ruefully as I lie, alone in bed at night in camp, moments few and far between in the hustle and bustle of life and amidst a sea of uncomprehending faces, moments that I treasure all the more because of that. Pull me back when I'm sick and tired, stay by my side when I'm being all too callous, you have my thanks, and I'll be sure to return the favour.

So maybe I've had a little too much to drink at Yifan's birthday celebration. Vodka is freaking awesome. Initially left a warm burning sensation down my throat, but subsequent cups downed with ice left a refreshingly cool yet warm buzz all over :D (I just might be a happy drunk; there's still hope!) Had a pretty good time there too, and I'm horribly impressed by how hospitable he was, cooking some awesome Chinese food himself and in general the way he handled the whole thing. I really enjoyed the opportunity to catch up with some old friends as well. Always good to hear things from a different perspective; a fresh breath of air and all that.

Ah nevermind, there's nothing much to say, really. It's saddening, this dearth of meaning. Kinda makes me want to do something, anything, for an infusion into my life. In fact, I'm probably checking into IMH next Sat, which isn't as bad as I'm intentionally making it sound, of course, and I'll have to get myself up to speed with regards to uni apps and all that nonsense. It's horrible having to deal with these things at the very moment when I find myself bereft of motivation, a little depressed, maybe, and having to deal with the last few weeks of life as a specialist cadet. Life in camp is really routine, can be a little frustrating, and is ultimately consuming. It doesn't allow much time for distraction, and demands much of the attention and energy I have to give, precluding extraneous thoughts and leaving me not much spirit at the end of the week, or even at the end of a day at work, during my rest hours to focus towards the more "significant" endeavors. My brain refuses to work properly, which doesn't exactly help either :/

Guess I can no longer wait for life to "move on", bogged down as it is by this mess that is NS. Instead, I've gotta take the initiative and make things happen, not simply allow them to happen to me, eh?

I've come to realize that time and awkwardness do nothing to come between an earnest and sincere relationship (most generic term possible). If you genuinely want me to be/remain part of your life, and make it possible, that's where I'll be. And I'll make room for you as well. Pretty simple, when laid out like that. I want to put in the effort to do so, and not let people who I really enjoyed spending time with become mere "corridor friends" inhabiting the halls of memory.

Quite tough to reconcile my feelings with regards to this new posting. Of course it's cool and all, what with getting to drive a freaking tank, albeit one sans turret, having a hugeass bridge atop of it instead, and I guess it can be personally challenging in many ways. A really rare opportunity as well; there're only the 6 of us there, and we're only the second batch of people who're being trained to operate and maintain these relatively new machines, so...wow. BUT. And here's the but.

I can't help but feel cheated, cheated of the opportunity to command and lead men of my own, which is what SCS and STW@ETI had been building us up towards. I enjoy G&T (grouping and tasking), something I realized from my stint as store IC and planning as well, as I discovered during Beaver Quest that last day. I enjoy coming up with a plan and seeing it being executed, while keeping alert during the process, wary of any potential cockups. I enjoyed the varied life at ETI, learning many things, very diverse, and I had been looking forward to the second demolition live firing as well. I liked working with my section at these new and interesting things, and would have liked to stay there for awhile longer. And yet now my future; or at least my immediate future, for the next one and a half years or so, and the years after that, when I'll report for my ICT (re-service) has been laid before me, and it doesn't look horribly appealing at all. Months spent learning to drive the tank (which isn't bad) and learning to maintain and clean it (urgh) as well as studying lots of technical specifications and such and doing everything all over again. My primary motivation in SCS and ETI was to work upon personal improvement, to better improve my leadership and communication, and now I find myself deprived of a very large portion of it, which I find hugely demoralizing.

When I tell people I'm training to be a tank driver, they say it's pretty cool, and yeah, it is. What I can't convey is the loss I feel; the quiet pride I used to experience back then as store IC, locking up the stores after everyone else had gone up to their bunks, knowing that things were well and truly prepared, after having gotten the guys organized. I'm quite rueful of the fact that I never got to be CSM, PS or even SC during my stint at ETI, especially so now that I most likely won't get any further opportunities.

So, what is there to look towards now? Doing pullups and pushups before each meal,  3 times a day, 5 days a week, till my arms can't take it anymore and I'm almost hoisted up by my bunkmates? Running, made to run at a pace I simply can't handle, watching as the gulf between the rest and myself steadily and speedily opens as my legs steadily give out, all the while cursing whoever's leading in my head while hoping to simply collapse so everything will be over, and yet never reaching the point where doing so is even a remote possibility? Days spent clambering all over the tank, opening hatches, jumping it, mounting and dismounting, practicing overturning drills (which I don't mind, actually)? Marching in contingents no larger than 10, and more often than no in 3s and 4s, which is just so weird, and as we march, not knowing whether I should lead a song or not, wondering whether the rest would rather not hear my voice :P? Learning and immersing myself in things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to learn outside, and which are of course totally and completely irrelevant to what I want to do once I've served my time?

Lol

But seriously, what's done is done, and nothing can be done about it, that much is certain, so all I can do is try to make the best of it, see it as a different kind of challenge, one that tests my skills, to better operate under stressful conditions, while attaining mastery over my specialization. It's not what I'm aiming for, but it's what I'll have to make do with, and a little positive thinking can't hurt as well.

It's amazing how immersive Army life can be. Or actually not. We live the life 24 hours a day, 5 days a week, of course it'd occupy a large portion of our conscious thoughts. When any 2 guys meet, it becomes an inevitable talking point, all the experiences which can be exchanged, various things that both can mutually relate to, though you'd wonder, having experienced so much in camp, why in the world would we want to talk about it whilst out of camp as well!

Caught Batman with Amos at Northpoint on Friday. It was pretty darn awesome, and didn't end with the heroic sacrifice and hugeass explosion like I'd expected. Nolan did a great job tying up the loose ends, and managed to inject some sentimentality as well. Very impressed, and though the fight scenes were kinda pathetic, that itself bespoke a larger meaning. Everything was so freaking symbolic, my only complain is that there was perhaps too much exposition and a little draggyness, but the setup was well worth it.

And yesternight I dreamt of you. Strange, isn't it? After so long. So inordinately happy

Holding Together

The sweet taste of freedom is something I managed to savor deeply this weekend. I miss the days when I had the time to stand around with friends, not quite sure what to do, standing in the middle of the pathway, standing in the rain, under the shelter of a tree, as we tried to hash out a course of action, inevitably going off-topic before once again meandering our way back on course. The time to take the long route, a stroll through the heart of the city, chatting, whining and in essence being completely random. The time to sit and watch a couple of "performers" in the spotlight at the Gardens, waiting for them to do something, which they never did. The freedom to not have a plan, activities slotted neatly back-to-back, and an unrelenting encik/PS/CSM breathing down our necks to enforce timings and ever ready to knock us down for being too sloppy. The freedom, in fact, to see adveture in the most miniscule yet crazy little things; clambering onto and bypassing a corrugated metal sheet blocking my path and climbing over the low fence at the longkang, creeping across the ledge to bypass yet another sheet; all in order to leave my estate to get to the basketball court across the road with my cousins, and later, moving to look for another court (that one was already occupied) only to discover that the hoops had broken off, and then playing 2 v 2 ultimate frisbee instead. A sweet nectar that I plan to enjoy fully once I ORD.

Staring at the city lights, at people going about the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it struck me how removed from it all we NSmen are. Once we set foot in camp, we assume our second identities, ones which we've conditioned to willingly accept the rigors, regimentation et al of in camp training, and as we go through the week, one event follows another, in rapid succession, no time to think about other things; best not to think about other things. It's scary how easy it is to lose sight of yourself; who you are, what you're doing, the things you stand for; what you're aiming for in life. It's as if we're safely ensconced in a bubble, removed from the flow of everyday life; and I'd hate to think what kind of lost soul would be released when the bubble pops 17 months down the road. I'd cry out for someone to save me, but really, who's up to the task?

Self-help then, is the way to go, and I hope my endeavor to earn a shiny pointy piece of metal serves to focus myself as well.

My Heart Will Go On

"What is better; to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"
-Paarthurnax, Skyrim

Something I never cease thinking about.

When you're trapped, and efforts to find a way out seem futile; do you persist in rattling the bars of the cage in hope of finding some weakness, or do you turn your back on them and attempt to make yourself comfortable? 

But then again things aren't so clearcut in real life, are they?

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Yet another fun outing, this time on Monday with Jack, Amos, Merv and Angie to celebrate Jack's birthday! (I think I'm running out of adjectives to describe these things already..another sign of my brain's gradual degeneration I guess; though perhaps that's for the best what with NS coming up and all) The Titanic exhibition at the Art Science __________ at MBS was pretty interesting; it was cool to see all the relics they'd managed to recover from the wreck of the Titanic, almost 4km underwater. I really liked how the setting and outlook of that time period were explained so meticulously, providing a rather poignant background to the sinking of the ship. What was meant to be the crowning glory of a period of optimism set in technological development instead turned out to be a horrific disaster.  I also appreciated the effort put into research with regards to the lives of certain passengers and crew who were aboard the ship; from all the various classes (more on that later). Stories of how little twists in fate; a coal strike, for example, which resulted in other ships being unable to set off; and those passengers rebooking onto the Titanic (super unlucky!) or the Titanic's captain, who'd initially been planning to retire before the Titanic set off, yet reluctantly agreed after persuasion by The Company, and his promise to his family that it'd be the "last time" (he went down with his ship), could change an individual's life irrevocably. Being informed that the disaster could have been averted, if not for human stupidity/hubris: The Titanic being proclaimed "unsinkable" (which was really asking for it, in hindsight) and therefore not requiring enough lifeboats to accommodate all its passengers (they were judged to make the deck appear overly cluttered and therefore unsightly) as well as the lookouts spotting the iceberg all too late because they'd apparently forgot to bring along binoculars for the trip in the haste to set off. We got to see the gulf between the have and have-nots; as seen by the opulence enjoyed by First-Class passengers; fine dishware, great furnishings, separate dining and smoking rooms, and even their own stairway! versus what the rest got; via the artifacts which were painstakingly annotated with "most likely used by first-class passengers"; "seen in second-class bathrooms" etc. Oh, and we noticed, also in this picture that all the guys had the same taste in headwear, apparently. Not sure what that particular style of cap is called, though.

Could kinda appreciate the jobs that historians and their ilk do. To preserve what they can of the past for the future; cause as they said, if nobody did anything about it, the Titanic would become "a rust spot in the ocean in 30-40(?) years time" with nothing to show for it. Though the use of it all is kinda questionable, seeing that humans don't really seem to learn from their past mistakes haha.

Met Amos after that; dawdled as we tried to decide where to have lunch, finally decided upon Astons at Suntec, had our food, played Citadel (yet another interesting cardgame! and our gift to Jack, incidentally) before leaving.

Went to meet SY and Eliz for dinner at Novena after that; but both were late, so I spent my time walking rather aimlessly around the area; looking at stationery at Evergreen, watching TV (in 3D as well) at Harvey Norman before finally having dinner with them and going home.

"If dreams would come true

How happy I'd be!

I dreamed I loved you

And I dreamed you loved me."

Just something random we saw on an ancient postcard; one of the artefacts recovered from some (presumably) leather case at the bottom of the sea. I'm sharing it despite my mini-rant about the dearth of originality...well just because. Call me hypocritical if you will xP

I can't be the only one who thinks "My Heart Will Go On" was the perfect song for Titanic. Not only in the romantic sense; though that's surely there, but I think in terms of the human spirit and daringness to dream, as well! Despite the colossal (I was tempted to use "titanic" here but restrained myself xP) failure of the Titanic, we continued dreaming; even if success at times appeared (and still does appear) so far away in the distance, and well, ended up where we are today.

Weaponized sincerity must be one of the strongest forces known to Man haha. Though it does tend to lose effectiveness when used repeatedly; much like a certain someone's puns XD

Yesterday's outing to the board games cafe followed by Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was (I shan't say surprisingly xP) extremely fun! The movie's really good btw; I really do enjoy and appreciate an overly-convoluted plot interspersed between the obligatory explosions, gun fire, and fist fights. Throw in a dash of Indian billionaire with certain - shall I say - strange interests just for kicks and you're all set to go. No misrepresentation or any of that bullshit by the trailer; you know exactly what you're in for when you step in haha. T'was super shiok to just see things blown up one after another (Y)

We capitalized on this 6 bucks for 4 hours + free flow drinks at the cafe, though I couldn't shake the bloated feeling after the fourth cup >< Learnt to play some interesting board games too! Scotland Yard was pretty cool, and it was fun playing as Mr X, which I inadvertedly volunteered for after reaching for the seemingly cool-looking cap. Balderdash was absolute bullshit (in an awesome way!) and Dixit was fun as well, though after a quick Google search, I realize our points system was a little off (Jack!) : If nobody or everybody finds the correct picture, the storyteller scores 0, and each of the other players scores 2. Otherwise the storyteller and whoever found the correct answer scores 3. Players score 1 point for every vote gotten by their own picture.

Crashed after a shower at home, which is why I find myself awake once more :/

Cya in school

Chained to the tracks, helpless, as I watch those lights approach. And this fatalistic part of me just wants that train to hurry up already, for it to be done and over with.

So what do I do now? What awaits with the coming of the dawn? And how do I face it? Now, all my brain can do, is draw a load of blanks.

Nonetheless, had loads of fun today at the class outing, thanks Jack for putting everything together! Seems kind of like a proposal you'd submit to your boss. No, they don't want what ifs and possibilities, no matter how varied or attractive. Much preferable is something concrete, laid out, and the only decision left to make is to endorse it or not. Not everyone would bother putting in the effort, so it's good we have someone awesome like him. (Haha, can't help wondering if this flattery is gonna get me anywhere *winkwink*)

Karaoke at the obscenely low price of $22 in total per room for a whole 3 hours (inflexible timings and kinda ulu location aside) followed by lepak-ing at the beach till it was time for dinner.

Side-note: Lifeboat is a perfectly vicious game, where being hated by the navigator can get you unconscious; to be looted freely by your fellow survivors, then KILLED, with the looming prospect of getting your dessicated corpse (yes, that's what happens when one dies of multiple thirst) cannibalized upon by your survivors (note that I no longer use "fellow" since by then you'd have been removed from the ranks of the living). There is one upside, though: Your vengeful spirit gets to drag overboard survivors down to Davy Jone's locker or wtv along with them, a little perk for the dead.  The constant bickering and arguments, with the promise of favors and support traded freely, along with provisions as an additional incentive (read: bribery) were really quite interesting; if only because they were steeped in hilarity. The formation and dissolution of alliances which were temporary at best were just awesome to watch from the sidelines, occasionally interrupting to voice a point (the dead DO tell tales in this game). Yifan's "whoring" of his "services" (which turned out to be paltry at best) to whoever offered him even the slightest benefits, which eventually resulted in him being stuck in indecision as all sides called upon him to fulfill his side of the many verbal agreements was just funny to watch. I shan't be cruel here and say that it reflects upon his character, since it's just a game afterall XD Angela's at most dubious offer to Yongjin to "make him the navigator if he first assisted her in forcing Mervyn to give up the navigator position" was even more funny to behold. Wheeee.

We then made our way home after dinner at Parkway.

Haha something that kinda grated at me was all the "See you tomorrow in school"s as we bid our farewells. It's not really that it was irritating or anything like that, just the thought that Term 3 starts for real tomorrow (or well, TODAY), and that from here on, it's one long, or perhaps not so long, stretch till the A's. Life doesn't seem to be looking up at all.

It's time to take the plunge. Let's just hope that it's the kind of plunge you experience when you're safely seated on a rollercoaster as it reaches its peak, where you feel high even as you drop, and not a plunge down your ("your" is a figure of speech, by the way. I don't have access to your toilet, or any part of your house, for that matter) toilet bowl and into a cesspool of shit. I don't think NEWater would allow me back after that..

Cya in school.

Just wiped the dust off my laptop's screen, and the fingerprints left on it when it was so unceremoniously prodded so long ago.

Shan't go on about the CTs, suffice to say I know what I have to do, and I won't shy away from doing it. Yes.

Other than that, the post-CT programme was laughably atypical. Pretty much zombified after staying up to cram chem but no choice, we had 2 essays for that increasingly ridiculous NEFMQ, supposedly due before 5pm that day. Heh so after a good lunch at Bakerzin (with a 1 for 1 offer courtesy of Tyf), before which we had put some ideas down on paper - YES, we were that dedicated - we camped at Starbucks for the better part of 3 hours.

While it does seem a little no life, which the many RJ people (including a group who'd withdrawn from the competition!) who just happened to pass by didn't hesitate to remind us about, I found it pretty fun myself. Working with a bunch of friends on something that well, wasn't schoolwork, discussing how an idiot like Anthony who didn't have any savings shouldn't even dream of taking a car loan in the first place, lest he be saddled with debt for the rest of his natural life (I'm over-exaggerating a little), comparing the relative benefits between a carbon trading scheme and taxation on reducing carbon emissions, and not to mention Amos' steady descent into insanity (hmm, is that the right word? Deliriousness, perhaps) as he put down some pretty incredible stuff, such as how "a carbon credit scheme not only cripples Adam Smith's Invisible Hand but totally decapitates it as well!"

I just can't say how - hmm, not fun exactly, but I don't have a better word - fun it was, sitting there between Jack and Amos, with Yifan to one side composing a song which he professed to contain a mix-up of a couple of songs' melodies. Those last 20 mins, when my laptop had only 21 mins of battery left in it as we strove to chop the essays down to size (500 words is wholly insufficient to get any arguments going), the merciless deconstruction of sentences lovingly crafted, the eventual jubilation at a task completed, panic as the last few minutes neared and my comp died, while the wireless steadfastly refused to work on Amos', and my facepalm-inducing realization that I had brought my charger along in my bag. The eventual scramble till we finally got them submitted, but not till 7 mins past 5. And a few hours later, the WTF moment when the organizers sent out an email stating that the deadline was at 1159.

Haha so thanks guys, the discussions were fun, I've never hung out at Starbucks before, so it's an experience I guess, and most thanks go out to Tyf who wasn't part of our group but should be pretty much an honorary member for help rendered, most significantly in the final reduction to meet the word count. Well...it was either that or going to pimp with the girls, so perhaps he merely chose the lesser evil xP

Now here's hoping something comes out of it, though that doesn't really matter anymore; or to be more precise, didn't really matter since the beginning.

Heh some completely random encounter on the way back after that got me thinking, but that's all I'll say on that.

The toilets at Ion are insanely extravagant. Hope I don't sound like the country bumpkin newly arrived to the city, with the dirt of the road still resting on my shoes, but I swear it's the truth. Like seriously, it's the first shopping centre I've ever seen which has those small tv screens over every freaking urinal, and each sink has its own hand-drying/towel dispensing module parked discretely above it behind the mirror. What the SHIT.