2013-2014

It's not been an overly hectic start to 2013, first week of school was pretty refreshing, the sad part of our hols is that 2 weeks isn't enough to do much but yet long enough to begin feeling the boredom of staying and stoning at home all day. An exciting life I do not possess. So, as I was saying, it was refreshing to get into the swing of things once again, to shake off the cobwebs that accumulate as they are wont to do when the mind is idle, and to emerge from my shell to engage in some sustained human interaction, and with it the realization that perhaps I'm not as introverted as I originally thought. It gets tiring, all these conversations in my head, and bouncing ideas off of indifferent walls, after awhile, and important to listen to ideas and voices that aren't my own. I may not perform well in social situations but I definitely do get by better with rather than without them.

Well, to do justice to 2013, it was pretty much one of the most heterogeneous years I remember of my admittedly short life. Strangely enough, though with some effort I can dredge up some less than distinct memories of my time in NS, and recall vaguely some of the frustrations and difficulties I agonized over during that period, they all feel so distant now, in fact, ever since I disrupted  rarely did I ever cast my mind back to those army days, perhaps the reason for the so aptly named Army Daze. They changed me, that's for sure, but I'm still not sure how and I'm also not sure I'd enjoy finding out. My med school experiences are obviously much less documented and maybe that's because of a desire to do more think less. Over-analysis has perhaps not served me as well, so I guess I'd like to immerse myself more in moments, and take things as they come and develop, rather than being cynical or attributing undue expectations to things because of my over-thinking. I've been enjoying it though, and especially just those nights watching a couple of episodes of House along with conversations rambling long into the night. I want to open myself up more to such experiences, to be the recipient of and giver of kindness with grace and to basically just be a less tightly-wound individual as a whole. And perhaps, more and more, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I have to be able to see myself as a victim of events rather than a perpetrator of the way things are, and accept that the outcome may simply be out of my control, though the what-ifs, could-have-beens and regrets do torment and threaten to overwhelm me at times.

I'm glad though, to have maintained ties with the few close friends I have, it's a little sobering to think that we'll pretty much be further scattered and have less opportunities to meet up, if ever. We'll find a way, I'm sure, and it's selfish to expect that things stay the way the are, we all have our paths to tread upon.

I guess I've already kinda alluded to what I'd like to aspire towards in this year ahead, to accept the things that happen to me with an open heart, yet to not lose heart that I do have a crucial role to play in deciding my "fate". To try to be less of an ass to the people I care for, no matter how fun it may be, and to curb, just a little, this innate impulsiveness of mine, which is quite paradoxical, really, I carefully consider things till the very last moment when it really matters, then more often than not screw up when I lose my cool. And well, not lastly, of course, because there never is an end to what we aspire towards, is there, but at least to end this off, I want to cut back on the waste in my life. I don't really know how to describe it, I was pretty sure I did while in the shower but it eludes me now, so I'll just go with this: Very often, I do things just for the sake of it, in a mind-numbing self-desensitization of sorts, which doesn't give me anything in return. Now, I'm not saying that I expect myself to be absolutely efficient and productive, but at least I'd like to be unproductive in a way that actually means something, be it me truly enjoying myself, or doing something that while not exactly savoury, does serve to toughen me up/make me stronger in some way. It's a tough ask, and I'm really not sure whether I'll have the self-discipline to go through with it, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll revert to my ways right after completing this post, but at least by putting it out here, hopefully I can begin working towards it.

PS I realize that I've omitted in some ways perhaps the most life-changing experience of all: Getting into LKCSoM,  maybe because I'm still in it and it's not as simple to take a step back and say, okay, this is how it has affected me, and that's what I think/feel about it. I'm still processing, is what I want to say, and maybe I'm a little too lazy at this point to time to attempt to commit these thoughts to "paper". It's been an enriching experience, the people I've met and things I've seen, some of which have affected me to a very visceral level, I guess I'll hold on to them a little longer, let them fester, and find a way to do this when the time is right.

It's a life held in stasis I suppose I don't blog much nowadays cause there doesn't seem much to blog about. Life in camp has adopted the tone of work, work, work, though there are the occasional highlights and such, it somehow seems a little strange to write about them here. But of course that's what I'll do now, to get some stuff out of my system.

I find myself running around a lot nowadays, doing all sorts of random stuff that don't even justify noting down, and it does get a little testing at times. I still remember running around 38 for the freaking unit stocktaking, even bringing the guy all the way down to ATI and back again, simply to catch a glimpse of the tank and bridge that were parked there for the display, then going back and forth between the base, our tank shed at the other end of the unit and down to D801 (the 3 are kinda situated like the points of huge triangle) back and forth, back and forth to confirm this thing or the other, incredibly dreary, horrible weather, while nursing a cold, and on a Friday no less. Then doing something similar this week, except I had to open the tanks for him to check some components inside. After clambering in and out once, he refused to enter the rest so I had to unlock the tank, open the hatch, climb in and number off each item to him while he stood outside waiting, which is pretty much tokenism at it's best. I could have simply said everything was there and I bet he wouldn't have even bothered to verify it lol. Low-loading to bring our tank and bridge over to Nee Soon Camp for the change of command parade wasn't too bad though. It's (for now) a pretty novel experience and I always enjoy any opportunity to operate the L2 and test my proficiency; admittedly to my detriment on occasion when I find myself not up to scratch. Simply put, low-loading is to launch the bridge in package mode onto a lowbed (those things used to transport cars) and to reverse the tank onto another as well, so it's quite interesting to see how to ensure that the alignment with the lowbed is just right so it can be done successfully. Friday was the parade rehearsal itself (we'd previously had a rehearsal for the rehearsal at our coy-line itself, which I find patently hilarious), so we got up early, drew our arms in Gedong, took a bus - which arrived late and hence totally wasted our early reveille - over to Nee Soon, apparently it didn't matter that we arrived late cause the rehearsal hadn't even started yet, where we proceeded with the rehearsal. Um..I mean rehearsalS. It just went on and on and on, and it was hilarious in a perverse sense to see them try it out with different parade commanders, contingent commanders etc, and to watch the parade commander (a major) salute a master sergeant who was standing in as the fake CoA. Freaking funny. More of a joke though to see those who obviously hadn't  rehearsed the commands, or those up on the stage who were treating it like a game of sorts, playing at who'd get to "be" the CoA or incoming outgoing Chief Engineers next, with no regard for those of us working on our tan in the parade square. The spectacle ended at 1730, but since the bus was indented only for 1900, which couldn't be pushed earlier, we had to hang around. And hang around somemore, cause apparently the bus broke down (the driver didn't check that he had enough diesel apparently, and got stuck somewhere) until we eventually left Nee Soon at 2000. You'd think that was the end of it, but nope, we had to return to Gedong once more to send our weapons before getting changed and finally being allowed to bookout at 2120.

The strange thing is that I'm already numb to all of this. Back in BMT, SCS and even ETI, weekends were something precious and to be treasured. Bookout timings were sacrosanct and we'd do anything to have them as early as possible. Perhaps now after a year as a soldier, I don't really give a shit anymore. Or maybe we're so used to this kind of crap happening that we don't give it a second thought. You just do it (TM Nike) and if things don't turn out well, well, that's just too bad. Complaining has been patently useless so why bother? It scares me somewhat, cause I seem to have lost something vital. That little spark which would speak up when I saw something obviously wrong. It might seem to be a good thing but I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I can't quite articulate it clearly but there's this frustration that builds up within me, when I have to accept things as naturally being shitty and myself being able to do nothing about it. It accumulates within the numbness, contradictory though it may sound, and I find myself getting more sensitive to the most innocuous of things and harbouring certain negative thoughts in my head. If army has thought me one thing, it's how susceptible I am to my more emotional/primitive side, despite what the rational portion may claim.

And I'm just going round and round in circles, little little circles, and I'm not quite sure how to break out. I want to rediscover the freshness of life, the fascination and basic appreciation of the most mundane things. I try to be thankful for the things I have, and I really am, but I think what I crave the most is stimulation of some kind, not just the frustrating work-related interactions, or the casual hi-bye let's talk bout how shag the day has been, or listening to the reasoning of the self-absorbed, maybe that's it. And I can try to numb myself with meaningless stimuli, manga, games, not-so-sophisticated literature, but that doesn't help much at all. It doesn't help much but I'll do it anyway I guess, for reasons I honestly know not why.

There's alot to be said about self-control, EQ and what not and what I realized this week is that I have to stop letting my mood govern the way I act and react to things. When I'm angry I don't exactly let my rational side get away from me, but what happens is that it becomes twisted, magnifying perceived faults and doing its darnnest best to justify my anger, causing things to spiral out of control into a self-righteous rage. And I'll more often than not say something I regret upon cooling down.

Something I've tried is a kind of self-imposed exile, keeping quiet/to myself when I recognize that I'm heading in that direction to avoid any possible escalation, but that's just avoiding the problem temporarily. I don't profess to have all the answers, but maybe that's what I'll have to work on in the coming weeks, months and years.

The time in the army has changed me significantly, that's for sure, and I still feel quite awkward with myself, sort of like growing into a new me. One thing I do know is that I don't really feel at ease where I am right now, with the people around me. It's those convos that I can't comfortably participate in, opinions that I express, yet feel like no one's listening, questions that I ask, only to be received with awkward silences, the times when they make playful jabs at my expense and yet when I try to "reciprocate" I get shot down instead. Maybe I don't have enough ego, that ability to do my own thing without overly caring about how others respond, and when I do try to compensate, I overcompensate instead, and it just ends up being weird. Maybe I think too much, I over-analyze, and this keeps me out of things. The jury's still out, but I know things can't carry on this way; I'm falling to pieces as it is.

And I realize that I have yet to find closure, what with the way things ended, though ironically there was arguably nothing to start with. I'm a wreck.

Anyways, bookouts now are pretty much the same as ever, sans the sense of anticipation of what could be which I used to feel each time I stepped onto the MRT. Utterly unrealistic, I know, but that's just the way my mind functions. I'll move on, in good time, but move on to what seems to be the more important question. As for now, I simply need to focus and get this annoyance out of the way.

Had an outing with Amos and Merv again yesterday. There's a pretty good pizza place, Manhattan Pizza or something over at Orchard Central (was it?). We shared a pizza, pretty worth it imo, then caught Celeste And Jesse Forever at Orchard Cineleisure. Nice little movie about best friends who are separated (as in that thing preceding a divorce) and yet continue to hang out together, and how they move on in life. I'd probably watch it again haha, can totally see why Mos is a sucker for these types of shows. After that was a walk along Orchard. It's so freaking bright! Haha and I think I can get a little high when given the chance to express myself.

Paying more for handmade goods = A form of sadism indeed!

Just think about it, assuming 2 somethings - I don't really care what - appear pretty much identical, and of similar quality, the only difference being one was machine-made while the other was painstakingly made, maybe by some elderly man in the mountain, the last scion of a dying craft (I love my melodrama); branding aside, which would you buy? Which would you be willing to pay more for? Forgive me for hazarding a guess but I'm pretty sure most would say the latter. Or even better, give someone 2 identical somethings but tell them that one's machine made while the other is handmade, they'd probably choose the second once again. Why? Is is simply because we automatically assume that something is of better quality simply because more human attention has been paid to it? Does it give us a nice fuzzy feeling inside when we think about the chair we sit in, or the clothes we wear, or the rugs we tread upon being painstakingly and lovingly carved out/stitched/whatever over hours and hours? Or maybe it's some kind of perverse sadism; we simply love the idea that hours of blood, sweat and tears have been invested as some complete stranger toiled over the thing that we're so casually sitting in/wearing/stepping on.

Or maybe it just makes you feel special. In a world where it's all too easy to feel yourself drowning in anonymity, where anything you feel adept in, undoubtedly proud of, someone else can definitely do better, maybe wearing something that someone out there dedicated themselves exclusively to makes you feel all that more unique. Who am I to judge.

I realize that I'm selfish, I crave exclusivity. I don't mind sharing what I have with others, but I want it to be clear that it belongs to me. I guess I feel the same about relationships as well, which perhaps is why I'm so plagued by that emptiness. It's immature, I know, but it's something I can't help as well.

It's simultaneously amazing and scary when you suddenly catch a glimpse of something you originally hadn't noticed. A facet of a person close to you that you never realized was changing, be it abruptly or slowly, passing unnoticed over time. Then I can't help but wonder: What else have I missed out? What else has changed? Why didn't I notice it? And knowing as well that though some come to light, still I remain oblivious to others, and may remain that way forevermore.

Guess I can never escape the subtle signs of change at work around me, whether I am a party to that change or not. The changes in mannerisms and speech I pick up as I speak to my sister, 'fresh' into secondary school, the slightest hint of barbedness in my parents' interactions, faces which look visibly older, looser, wrinkled, liver-spotted skin, a shrunken figure, all things that while pretty benign, jar and unsettle me. Even in myself I discover change at work, when I care to conduct a thorough bout of introspection, but that, I leave for another time. Some change you accept, the change of ascendance, things growing into their own, and others some parts of me still struggle against, dearly clinging on to fragments of cherished memories, refusing to let go.

And sometimes I feel like curling up into a ball and just rejecting the world, change and all. But it's unfair, isn't it? Cause though everything in the world may reject you, you can never reject the world. The machine doesn't cry at the loss of a cog, but the cog weeps over the loss of it's place in the machine. And there's always the worry that you won't have a place in this changed organism, what then?

Been in a pretty foul/belligerent mood since booking out, don't really know why. Lightened up somewhat during that talk at NTU I attended with my parents but worsened once more on the ride back. I have no idea why simply talking calmly without getting the other person riled up can be so hard at times...

Cracked Windows

Sometimes I think about things for hours on end, not knowing quite how to express it myself, and all of a sudden, it comes to me. So here it is, something that's been washing round my mind (what's left of it anyways) the past week in ETI.

I believe everyone has an inbuilt barometer, one that tells them when something is "screwed-up" and when it is not. Everyone knows it, and nobody wants to go through life doing things which they themselves perceive as screwed-up. And yet, evidently so many people do. Why? It's when external factors are introduced, things that cloud their judgement, over-ride the innate desire to do good. It's the mindset "everyone does it, so if I don't I'll lose out". It's because when the window is already cracked, when imperfections and flaws are present, that they decide, and rationalize, and decide that there's no point preserving something already messed up, so they might as well mess it up more for their own convenience. And I care. I think it's debasing, when we live our lives this way, when we could be and are so much more. And so, despite being the procrastinator that I am, I want to be the one who mends the window, and removes the obstacles preventing us from exercising our better judgement, providing something around which things can crystallize and begin to grow.

A little over-ambitious perhaps? And a short call earlier just illuminated me as to how myopic I can be, to miss out the cracks growing right under my nose. I still have to try, nonetheless.

A question, though: If people really do want to do good, will anything be able to prevent them from doing so? Is aiming to make it less tough for others to make a "right" decision really the right way to go about things?

To the former, I'd really rather not say. As to the latter, I believe that these types of things need to grow and develop incrementally. The first time is tough, the second time isn't easier, nor are the subsequent times, yet as you go along, a habit is developed, and soon it'll become second nature.

People can be influence by the most inconsequential of things. A teacher of mine (I don't even remember who anymore!) shared with a bunch of us about something he observed in some other country at a fast food outlet. Having consumed their meals, customers would neatly fold up their burger wrappers before clearing their trays at the bins. And ever since hearing that, that's exactly what I've been doing. Fold the wrapper into halves, quarters then eighths before clearing my tray; clearing up after myself. A small thing, true, but something that matters to me :)

Do I make sense? :P

Farewell Bravo~

Last post from this particular laptop as a member of Bravo Coy. I'm nursing a particularly bad bout of running nose so I'll keep this short. The 8 weeks passed really fast, without much time to comprehend what has happened over this period of time. I've managed to do more than in Bronco I think, mostly over the last couple of weeks, where I've been the LSC and LPS. I've made more than a few new friends; possibly closer to them than my BMTC section, and we've had some pretty interesting experiences together. I've come to accept the more unsavory aspects of human nature, mostly selfishness and unwillingness to help out, and I've been guilty of that as well, though I do try to contribute, above and beyond my minimal obligations. I've also discovered the more unpleasant side of my personality; a tendency to get testy with my responses when caught in a bad moment; or at the limits of my tolerance. I've found that I can tahan alot of things though, and that is pretty encouraging. I've learned that the best way to lead and influence (for me at least) is by example, by leading the way, doing it myself first. Morale highground, you know ;) and yet I've also realized that one can't do everything alone, and if you persist in doing so, you only make yourself bitter, angry and frustrated. Best is to encourage and foster participation, while getting yourself involved as well; although coorperation may be grudgingly given, you still get things done, and build up some cohesiveness too. Respect other's opinions, for they may be correct, and you'll earn their respect for doing so as well.

In all, I guess I learnt that I'm not as utterly hopeless as I'd initially thought, yet it's something that I have to put alot more work into, to build up my confidence and awareness in so many ways, and I'm really quite fortunate that I have so many people around me that I can look to for both positive and negative examples hahaha.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good posting!

-SCT CHRISTOPHER TEOW KANG JUN 2113 BRAVO COY

Bravo's been awesome, more than I could have possibly hoped for :)

Get over it

I seem to run through the five stages of grief pretty quickly, though perhaps I may simply be arrested at Stage 1, only time will tell. But for now, I'm pretty fine.

Dare to dream, and have the resolve to follow through on it. That's what I shall spend the next year doing, to fulfill it with confidence, not step in with naivete. A friend told me once that to become imba you simply have to follow your interests and allow yourself to become immersed in it, without allowing laziness to overtake you. It may be a pretty hefty detour, but I hope to make it worth the effort. Much discussion awaits over the weekend, and I know I'll have to deal with betrayed expectations, but I think I'll be able to get through it.

It's been a pretty interesting week at SCS, shall write more about it later, since I have some SDL and quizzes to be done with xP Let's just say I feel more motivated to perform in here now (not that I wasn't already before!) and to maximize all that I can get out of the experience to develop my assertiveness, confidence in presenting myself and leadership as well. Hehx, all three sound pretty similar now that I think about it, but oh well.

Knowing is just the beginning

They say that knowing is half the battle won; and I used to think the same way as well. Yet I think that as I've "matured" (yeah, in "" cause it's never a given) I've come to realize that things are rarely so easy. At this point of life, I think I'm pretty familiar with my more serious failings, but correcting them are a completely different thing altogether.

On a related note, I've recently been clued on to how I've come to "inherit" some of my parents' let's say not-so-desirable traits. My dad's tendency to lapse into episodes of talking at people rather than to them, my mum's occasional bouts of moodiness due to a moment's insight into mistakes she's made, yet being too resigned to correct them, etc. It feels strange to dissect the failings of such key figures in my life, yet I've found myself doing exactly that on more than one occasion, and thinking to myself that I wouldn't be the same way when I "grew up". It was quite shocking, really, to suddenly see them manifest in myself as well. What to do? I realize that everyone has their own failings, but knowing that such things are present within myself, I can't be satisfied doing nothing about them. A more conscious effort of restraint on my part is all I can do, I guess. Another part of me wonders, though if maybe these failings simply constitute a part of my personality, and whether maybe I shouldn't be trying to rid myself of them afterall. I really don't know.

I honestly didn't plan for the above paragraph to end with that particular sentence, yet it did. So if I don't know, how am I to begin? X.x

First post from you-know-where haha, in the early morning moments while the rest are doing their re-IPPTs; which I thankfully avoided by a narrow 2 seconds margin. Neat, huh? Anyway, just had a heads out, we're supposed to be doing LEARNet now, so I shall do this concurrently, while waiting for the page to load.

You've probably noticed that I've been posting much less here. That's not due to unwillingness on my part, but more due to the fact that blogging has more or less become an unsatisfactory conduit for me to express my thoughts; thoughts that won't wait till the weekend, thoughts that come in what I'd like to think are momentary flashes of insight, which tend to dwindle and pale as I try to elucidate upon them in writing. Things don't flow as freely anymore, as I try to polish my expression; choice of words etc, instead of throwing out everything in its raw form, which I find decidedly unrefined. It takes much effort; effort that I don't really have the time for.

Everyone seems to be so consumed by life lately; the immediate pressing concerns that drown everything out in the background static. Interviews, admissions, applications...all the talk of the town. And yet I find myself very much out of it; something which I felt before awhile before the As as well. It's a dangerous one; as I realized when I heard about everything that has to be prepared for Med, for example, and I also realize that I'm wholly unprepared to sit in front of a bunch of people and bloody well convince them that they've gotta take me in. Honest. Yet while I'm swarmed by the concerns of the here and now - preparing to POP, Med interviews, unpacking and tidying my room, finding my A levels cert, getting along with my section mates, to name a few, in no particular order - I find myself preoccupied with (or is it preoccupied by?) thoughts of the future. I think I'm a pretty meta kind of person, to put it in horribly vague terms, so when everyone's out there discussing interview questions, likelyhood of getting accepted into accounting or something. there I am sitting there, having extricated myself from the mess and looking at myself and saying, oh, that's where he's headed, that's where I'm headed, doesn't seem very interesting to me, to be honest; why am I doing this? Why should I make myself do this? Expectations? No, that's not it, not at all. Then why? People only have so few reasons for doing something, don't they? But none of them are really that perfect a fit! Because it feels right. Because it feels right? Yes, because it feels right. So you're telling me that you're going to stand before them and tell them that you want to do it "because it feels right?"? Well of course not; they'd think I'm a fool. But at least in the theatre of my mind, where I perform for, and appeal to an audience of one, where the only person I have to answer to is me, that is enough. The feeling of rightness isn't something easily accounted for, yet isn't something easily obtained either. There've been times in my admittedly short 18 years wherein I've had all the reasons yet none of that feeling, and I haven't been able to carry on successfully, so I'm just going to trust in this feeling and see where it brings me. Now, now I have a problem. Cause you see, I can't tell them that I want to do it because it feels right; not in so few words, so naked and direct. I've got to dress it up a little, throw in some snazzy stuff; though I do admit, I'm probably being a little too cynical right now. I've always believed that to sound convincing, you first have to convince yourself; so that's what I'll work on.

That and finding my A level cert. Neat, huh?

Oh, and all the best, if you're reading this ;) Relax, and approach it with calm and composure. You'll have no trouble, I'm sure. Things may get you down; but disappointments are Life's great gift, once you manage to keep things in perspective. They inspire you to try harder, while success only breeds complacency; while is my greatest problem, I'm afraid, when I've taken long, hard looks at the course of my life.

Can the leopard change its spots?

The cyclical nature of life; which I find myself caught up by, much like a bottle out at sea; at the mercy of the ebb and flow of tides.
The form is different, of course, but the themes reoccur, and where I was last year; I find myself heading towards, yet again.
I thought I had changed (no seriously), so why does the same damn thing have to happen over and over?
This is not what Nietzsche meant when he talked bout the eternal recurrence; I'm positive of that. If it is, though, maybe I'd have a shot at becoming an Übermensch.

The subconscious countdown ticks. 1. I can't help it, really :)

I'll avoid talking about such pedestrian issues as the degree of screwed-upness for the prelims; since that's a given.


I've managed to spend a little while messing around with Google Gravity which my bro introduced me to. Pretty cool I must say xP Everything falls down to the bottom of the screen; including search results (which are limited, of course) then you can use your mouse to flick them around as you wish! Coolest thing is that it can even sense if you turn your com and automatically make the pieces fall in that direction.
(Obviously engineered) Screenshot of some of my meddling below

 Quite low-res, I know, since I have no idea how to put up a screenshot other than copying over to Paint then scaling down. I'm open to suggestions, if there are any. On Chrome instead of the usual Firefox cause it just felt right. Give it a try if you've got a little time to burn.

I'm finding life at home surprisingly enjoyable. Isn't that lonely since the rest are usually home due to the September hols, and I really appreciate the additional opportunity to mess around with my family (though of course they can get horribly infuriating as well!). The only problem is finding it within myself to sit down and focus all my efforts on work; haven't been all too successful.

Minor bit of drama tonight: My maid saw this suspicious-looking guy loitering at the back of our row of houses from upstairs, so she turned out the lights and kept watch on him. Apparently, he went off; came back 15 mins later with some plastic bag and climbed over the back wall into the house neighbouring ours'. Obviously this was pretty suspicious behaviour; so my bro and me ran out (after ensuring we were suitably clothed; it's damn hot these days -.-) to the back to see what was going on. Trying to be as circumspect as possible, 以免打草惊蛇, we peered into the house and noticed that their back gate was ajar. We also heard the sound of furniture being moved around; "Perhaps by a burglar stumbling around in the dark?" an overactive imagination asked. Since there'd been a burglary at another house awhile ago, my bro (he's the brave, decisive one) made a call to the police to report the incident while the two of us remained watching over the back. Nothing seemed to be happening, though, and after awhile, some guy who was walking his dog passed by and asked us if we were waiting for anyone (we must have looked pretty suspicious, now that I think about it; standing around in the dark). When we answered in the affirmative, he said that he'd seen someone running out from the front towards the bus stop. Well, the Police arrived soon after, and the lights came on as well as my neighbours coincidentally got back at the same time. Statements were taken; and in the end, it seems highly likely that the guy in question was their maid's boyfriend "visiting" her while the owners my neighbours were out. Just a theory though.

Haha, disappointed? Well, I did say "minor", plus epic tales of heroism, 见义勇为ness and so on are only present in movies, books, as well as Primary School compos. So there >.<

Anyway; I'm in the mood for my random thoughts; so I'll just dump them here.

I used to think - perhaps a bit foolishly - that personality didn't matter; since it's possible for an individual to control what he (or she) does; and even control to some extent the way he thinks (read: positive/negative reinforcement for example) and acts. Think, for a very simplistic example, of the "bad guy turned good" trope that is so evident in literature. I'd question what personality actually was; the masks that we put on when we face others? (yes, that's a recurring theme) or the real face beneath. Quite some time back; I even got into an identity crisis of sorts, as I just sat there; mentally peeling back the layers like one might an onion, exfoliating myself; so to speak; and horror of horrors: I "realized" that there was nothing beneath, nothing overtly central or core to myself that was irreducible even when everything else had been stripped away.

A few months on, I think I can say that my thinking has matured. In part because I've associated with a number of "bad" personalities (I hesitate to say "bad people" as I believe that there are no truly bad people; just a whole lot of horribly mistaken ones) and one thing I've realized is that yes, they could easily choose to behave another way; but that it's impossible to judge a person in isolation from his choices. I have so many friends (heh, or maybe not that many); perfectly fine people, usually fun to be with; yet infuriating (to me) in their negativity. At first I'd keep making attempts to encourage them; and it works, for some. But there are those who never seem to change, despite all the effort put in; not only by me, but by others as well. And that kinda forced me to the realization that they're that way because they choose (consciously or not) to be that way. I'm not begrudging them that. I don't even know what the point of me saying this is. Probably simply to say that I really place value on these kinds of choices and cannot overstate the importance I place on them. Choices that determine destiny, or so they say.

And this belief has given me grounding, not only in the way I see others but also on a personal level. Where in the past I used to seek a definitive core pillar of "me-ness" which came out (rather immaturely I feel compelled to add) in so-called "golden rules" which I obstinately refused to violate - such as "To never tell lies" for example, or "To not put my interests before those of others" - simply because I wanted some element to grab ahold of in a world of shifting sand; I now realize (in quite a cliched fashion) that what I was looking for had been under my nose the whole time. That "me" that I seeked? Clearly visible when I'm walking along, see some rubbish on the floor and instinctively pick it up to throw away. Also visible; of course, when I could just as easily walk past some crap on the floor and not do anything about it. No need to make a point to myself by going all out to pick up everything that I come across. The same me who doesn't hesitate to offer help to a friend who seems to need it yet who sighs inwardly as my sister has yet another question she can't do and who somewhat imperiously commands her to come over that she may be enlightened. As I start to really pay attention to the choices I make; the way I react to things, I get a clearer picture of the person I am. And this following of trends in choices rather than the very absolutist way in which I used to carry(?) myself has made life a lot easier to live; way more enjoyable; way more appreciable. I do things because I feel (for whatever reason) like doing them; not to prove a point to myself; or - God forbid - other people. Life's much more open now; where I can say: "I am who I am; flawed, true; truly flawed; but me nonetheless" and only feel apologetic about it if I want to be.

Text wall, right? I'm not quite sure if I make much sense to a third-party, as all this is very much an internal train of thought; running on the convoluted tracks of my sulcus (cheem technical term for the crevices in our brains; thanks Google!). And I'm trying to put this certain view on life into words; which I am patently horrible at doing. Same thing goes for my narrative ability :)

Well, have any of you tried out Google Gravity?

My problem isn't that I can't empathize with others; nor do I have much trouble getting along with people. It's simply that on many occasions, I find myself unable to make meaningful connections, no matter how much I may want to. Those that I do manage to forge, I let dissipate a little too easily. Heh, thinking about right after I typed it, the use of the word "forge" seems pretty appropriate, don't you think? The duality of the meaning doesn't escape me:
 1: To form or make through concerted effort, the idea of something strong and lasting
2: To imitate and fabricate

And sometimes I find myself wondering whether what I'm doing is the former or the latter. Whether what we're building is a ziggurat that can weather the test of time or merely a rote imitation of the form with none of the actual substance. It's so hard to tell at times, especially because that "substance" which I speak of so easily is not something that's exactly tangible, nor isolatable for close scrutiny.

I realize, of course that it's highly likely that it's because I'm asking myself these sorts of questions that I'm facing my current problem, but that's a Catch 22, now isn't it?

Strangely, or perhaps not so, I find that the more I care, the harder I find it to take action (forgive me for being intentionally vague, though it has been a recurring theme). It's just that because I care, I desperately want to get everything right, and that kind of engenders doubt and hesitation, which ironically enough, serve to deprive me of my desired outcome. A new approach is needed, it seems; yet personalities don't change overnight, and a forced change just doesn't seem that appealing.

I leave you with an interesting quote (thanks Henhouse!) that I find directly related to introspection in a really tongue-in-cheek manner:

"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package"
Heh, so what about a (wo)man? Methinks that package could be pretty interesting xD