Awesome from FB

After being a 电灯泡 for practically the entire day; I feel so damn bright now XD

Haha but a little better than yesterday; where I was suddenly overcome by a wave of melancholy after that Chem mock test. Wandering around a little; feeling quite lost. I got over it; eventually; and the company for dinner, although a little brief; was awesome. Haha I can usually get through the day somewhat; but it really helped alot. Thanks!

"A hungry man is an angry man" was something that kept popping up for some reason during those queues for MMM. And it's true! Could feel myself getting so riled up about the porousness of the queue; especially those extreme cases where some guy/girl gets a chair; plants himself at the head of the queue; only to be joined by the rest of the world it seems later on. Irrational thoughts linking that to a lack of moral fibre and character; and decrying the deterioration of things to the point where such a thing had become commonplace and accepted. It took some work for me to get myself to calm down; it's natural; of course that some people think that their needs are more urgent than those of others; and less sarcastically; that while I may decide to hold to my beliefs; I've got no right/reason to go enforce them on others; not for such a minor thing. Not that I have the ability to, as well!

I realize what a judgmental creature I can be when you catch me wrong; which really isn't what I wanna be like :(

All such concerns vanished after getting my food; when my main preoccupation became whether I coul finish that freaking mountain of food heaped on my Tupperware container. So much for priorities XD

Heh, a note to all aspiring dictators out there: People do tend to let alot of things slide if you just give them enough to eat. Revolutions are centred around ideals; true, but it's the starving masses who've been the driving force behind them; is it not? Go figure.

Something I've been thinking about: Seems like the world's gonna be (or already has been) handed over on a silver platter to those with an overly-inflated sense of self-entitlement. It's inevitable, really. A thought that I have to admit sickens me; to some extent. I can't be bother to frame my anti-thesis here so go ahead and think what you will.

Meaning in the futile

Words so imbued with raw emotion; the taste of bitterness was tangible in the air.

Asking "Why?", questioning, and struggling to understand.

These questions, they gather; caught up in the wind, spiraling, tumbling; paper planes flown off a cliff.

Only to eventually fall; swallowed greedily by the abyss.

The abyss does not answer.

And as you gaze searchingly into the abyss; so too does the abyss gaze into you; calling out invitingly to the it which resides within you.

The questions flow freely; but ask as you may; you'll never get an answer to assuage your worries; renew your faith. Only despondency awaits; for unanswered pleas. And yet they still have to be asked, even if they aren't replied, or - even worse - are answered with a simple "Because." There's meaning in the asking; power in the refusal to bow down before the abyss; and that's fine for me, treading the fine line on prespice's edge.

Sounds abit emo I guess; but it's an honest sentiment, something very recurring; if I may put it that way; and I think I just found (I hope) the right words to express it.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness

"There is a candle, in every heart
Some brightly burning, some need a spark
Light up your passion, compete with courage
Ignite your candle, ready to serve

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world

So take the candle, touch every heart
Work with integrity, giving your all
Take up the challenge, dare to excel
Respecting others, serving with pride

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world"

Suddenly found myself thinking about the second of Rosyth's school songs (yes, we had 2)Back then, we'd just sing it without thinking about the meaning; but now I guess I really "get" it.

As you grow older; you realize that it's not an easy task at all; to light the world with your flame, to keep on going even when surrounded by darkness... Heh, but we're not alone, right? Let's all keep our candles burning and set the world ablaze.

Arsonists, let's go! XD

 

 Dependent, Passionate, Patient, Lovely????

Cool :D Funny how the rest of the words start to pop out after you look at it for awhile; yet the first 4 seem to come almost instantaneously.

Haven't done any/much work over the weekend. Ooops. Feeling slightly guilty but I'll just treat it as unwinding time.

"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world"

Just for a moment, yeah? Was lying on a poolside deckchair yesterday night; staring at the sky. Very shiok feeling, can kinda feel your focus shifting upwards and outwards, endlessly, into something greater than yourself.

Helped out with a little patching up of the false ceiling at home today; some cosmetic work for potential buyers. Freaking funny, cause this hole in the ceiling would leak water every time it rained; so my auntie taped a blue funnel over it to funnel the water for collection in an empty bin. Can't imagine what they would have said if it'd been left like that. A little mesh and application of plaster later; the hole was sealed; albeit a little very sloppily D: I don't have skill ranks in Profession: Renovation afterall. Quite an interesting experience.

Just spent the last 2 hours flaming giving constructive feedback on my bro's WR. Now that I think about it; we were lucky to get Mr Koh :)

Haha maybe not doing what you want to do when you wish to do it; because you know there's something more important to be done is a form of maturity as well.

And so the shackles of society are in an instant transmuted into a badge of honour.

A little amusing to see how many ways I can spin something; which believe it or not; I haven't indulged in for a pretty long time.

Some things just aren't worth getting agitated over XD life's short (touchwood) and I can't be wasting my energy over every retard out there (and this is one of the few times I'll use such a derogatory term); and I've got no obligation to correct them as well. Heh must remind myself not to 袖手旁观 when it happens to others though.

"Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am,
Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary,
Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest,
Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next,
Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it."
Walt Whitman: Song of Myself

And you realize why it is that delivery is so damn important; and not just for FedEx (and they freaking live to deliver)

Strange Heart

Went back to Safra; chatted with coach a little; collected my suit and went off for dinner.

I thought I'd feel something more; revisiting a place of accumulated memories; yet I couldn't help but feel that it's moved on without me; and I've moved on without it. Not just the range; but the sport itself. How was it that in just the span of a few months of being apart that the emotions have become so muted? I remember back then excitedly talking about how I would pick it back up after the As; possibly buy my own gun and so on; and yet now when Coach just casually posed me the question; all I could give was some non-committal response. Kinda makes me feel like all that self-conflict and feelings provoked last time were all so shallow and superficial.

Maybe the lesson then is that no matter how much you may love or have a passion for something; if no effort is dedicated to sustaining it; time will gradually and steadily erode it; until it becomes a mere vestige of its former self.

But to me at least; this begs the question: If so, if we can "get over" pretty much anything in time with minimal feeling of lost; as we also lose the capacity to actually care that we no longer care about it; how do you know what's worth fighting for; what's worth dying for?

Cat and Mouse

Going down to Safra Yishun later today to retrieve my suit. Anyone wants to come along? =D

A little episode of phail occurred after dinner today:
Went back up to class only to see a couple of guys with their bags going down the corridor trying the doors to the darkened classrooms. Crap. So I went to the room I'd been using before going down for dinner; and the door refused to open. And my bag was inside. Shit. Apparently the zealous security guards lock up all the unused classrooms while making their "final" rounds at 7 without checking whether there's anything left inside. Bleh. I spotted a couple or them on the 1st floor of Block A so I ran down from Block B, went across the amphi...only to see them walking into one of the lifts. Okay; not so bad. So I waited awhile, saw them get off at level 6 and took the other lift up. When I got out; the corridor was dark and empty. A hesitant shout "Hey, is anyone here?" didn't get a response. (Idk what I'd have done if a voice responded though..) Ran up to the 7th floor after that; same thing; except maybe a little darker. Felt like playing some ridiculous game of cat and mouse lol. Second only to that time last year scouring all the usual hiding spots for someone who'd gone MIA. Anyway, I went to the 4th floor after that and chanced upon another security guard (not one of the 2 guys I'd been chasing after; I must add) who was kind enough to open the classroom for me and let me resume using it. Lucky. Idk what I'd have done otherwise.

So if you'd just give me the key?

Similar thing happened the day of farewell assembly; come to think of it. I left my progress report stuff under the table 囧

So lesson learnt: don't leave my stuff like that around 6-7ish even if it's to chope the classroom. Saves alot of unnecessary trouble.

It's freaking dark outside when it's late; especially when the outside lights are off. Can barely see anything outside; not even people walking past. And I was starting to get a little frightened when seeing even my reflection on the window moving a little in my peripheral vision as I shifted in my seat. This white thing moving around...haha I think I'd freak out if some joker decided to try and scare me.

In need of a dose of belief

That time, I kinda wanted to say, "yes, very much so." haha but coward that I am; I kept my mouth shut. So I don't have a right to anything now, now do I?

Sitting alone in the class, pen scratching intermittently on paper; I can just about succeed at convincing myself that I want to mug; that I freaking enjoy it.

Cast everything aside. The search for my presently absent soul can resume some other time.

I used to think I was strong enough to be who I wanted to be; do what I wanted to do; whenever, whatever. And yet increasingly, I've been confronted with noting but my weaknesses, one after another parading mockingly before me. Now I'm left waiting and hoping for these chains to disappear; I don't think I can break them anymore.

When faced with problems; I've always looked within myself for the way out. Gazing without in search of a solution is a pretty unfamiliar and slightly frightening experience.

This: http://www.tenmanga.com/chapter/FrankenFran57/254722-21.html

And the subsequent page as well.

I realize that I'll probably be judged based on the genre; but whatever. I find the tone and treatment of themes horribly interesting and intriguing. Kinda like Golden Boy before all the smut and borderline hentai.

Heh, more or less given up hope of working at home now; way too many distractions. I don't mind just sitting down and doing papers and such; but I need the isolated space so my corner in the living room really isn't working for me. Guess I should turn in early and drag myself down to school tomorrow.

Random video that I suddenly remembered watching super long ago. One of the more notable ads I've ever seen, no doubt.

All the good hallmarks of an awesome ad; which I recall mentioning in GP sometime earlier this year. Sadly, all I got was the all too familiar WTF response...

The second hand unwinds

I was wrong, I now realize. Maturity isn't about being right; it isn't about justice. It is about being able to set aside the ego and adopting a conciliatory position. Sounds easy; I guess, but it's incredibly hard in practice; for me at least. Perhaps because I'm still immature. I suppose it's also about knowing how to pick your fights; when in the passion of youth, we tend to get so hung up about every little thing, when sometimes it's best to just let go. It is about compromise - and not merely a grudging acceptance either - a concept which I notice is strangely foreign to; or even regarded as poisonous by so many of my peers.

Farewell assembly wasn't as poignant an experience as I had expected; particularly in contrast to our Sec 4 graduation. Perhaps in part due to the repeated stabbing of my heart and wrenching of the knife around to consign myself to the mugging mentality; but more likely because it doesn't really seem like it's over lol. Next week; I'll be going back to school same as always; attending lectures, taking mock tests. Probably so caught up in the general A's mood that it hasn't hit me that hard yet.

Currently; all that I can ponder about is the question: Is this the end of my destiny with RI?

Yes; "Once a Rafflesian; always a Rafflesian", or so they say. Yet I can't shake this nagging suspicion that the powers that be would be much less welcoming of the - let's say less illustrious - of their alumni.

And I must admit that after 6 years of being a Rafflesian, I still find myself struggling to grasp the essence of the "Rafflesian Spirit". It's glaringly obvious that throughout these 6 years; incessant attempts have been made to forcefeed us with the entire ideal "package" that's currently in vogue. But is that it? Somehow I don't think so. To me at least; the Rafflesian Spirit isn't something so trivial that it can be summed up in a catchy little tagline that even our teachers find themselves unable to repeat with conviction. Nor is it the mere experience of passing through the school system; while there is no denying that we are horribly privileged, there's not much difference content-wise from our "competitors", is there? Heh, this may sound horribly cheesy; and may reek of elitism - I don't know - but I think that a lot of the significance is historical; an inherited legacy. I felt it most strongly from my PSLs during Sec 1 Orientation and it just stuck with me I guess. A feeling of responsibility not only in the way you carry yourself but also to society, and towards those that come after you. You just kind of receive that "message" from those that come before; and it's your job to carry it out; and in doing so; you exemplify it and pass it on.

It's something ageless like that; flowing from past to present; form changed, perhaps, but undiluted in essence that I find myself truly in awe of. And being part of it's continuity - although my name will be neither recorded nor remembered - is to me; a great honour. And responsibility; of course, never forget that.

It is the prerogative - and indeed expected -  of old timers to complain about the modern state of decline. And maybe it's true that we're losing the spirit; as we pursue individual excellence. But I don't think so.

I remember this little joke that Sherri mentioned during her exco election speech:

A panda walks into a bar; orders some bamboo, gobbles it down; then pulls out a gun and kills the person seated beside it before making its way out. As it walked out; the bartender summoned his
courage and timidly asked it; why in the world did you do that?
In response; the panda pulls out a dictionary and flips to Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

A horrible pun,certainly, but I think none/few of us were like the panda, who took its fill of what the bar had to offer; and caused trouble before leaving promptly. We've received substantially; true, but I'm certain we've given back in our own capacities as well. Haha and if you haven't, there's still time; if not before the As, then after :D

How's my heart supposed to be in the right place when its on the left? :/

I don't feel like an A level student at all; and that scares the shit out of me. (not literally; thankfully)

Sometimes you go along thinking that by the time IT comes you'll be ready. That's how I felt, at least. And yet now it's looming and I realize I'm so bloody unprepared. T.T

Just gotta do it, now. I excel when it comes to the crunch; or so I like to assure myself.

Life may seem sucky; everything may seem to conspire against you; and nothing may seem worth doing. But don't let anything stop you from doing what you want to do.

Lingering regrets.

Interesting little thought that arose as I was endlessly "suanning" my sister; who was getting agitated cause I was insisting that she was hard-working. Well, the main source of her agitation was that I was strongly implying that the source of her pretty decent results was the hard work she had put into studying rather than any natural smarts on her part.

And well, it's pretty strange, isn't it. Would you rather be praised for doing something that's under your control; such as working hard is; or for being endowed; "gifted" in a sense at birth? Apparently she thinks it's way cooler to be naturally talented as there's a certain air of effortlessness involved. And of course; there's always the thought that one would be able to surpass all his/her hardworking but not as "gifted" peers by simply putting in the work on top of the talent. Bleh.

Well, after years of mixing with both kinds of people (and in fact, people who fulfill both as well), I guess all I can say is that in the end; it's the results that matter; sad to say. If you're supposedly talented yet you mess up because you didn't put in the work; then well okay; you can go around saying "I would have done better" or "I'm actually better than that" but nobody really cares, right? You deserve it. And if you put in the work but don't have the validation for it...well I'd applaud you for the effort but it's a pity that the world is a cruelly pragmatic place; isn't it :/

Moving on

Pretty uneventful; except that over the past few days; we've been having these property agents come over to give our house a once over in preparation for sales. We'll only be shifting somewhere around Dec though. Amidst all the discussion of what to bring over; how to arrange the furniture etc; one thing I've had to face is the realization that I'm extremely resistant to change. Find myself being kinda grumpy about the whole thing; unable to get excited about it; and tending to point out the negatives. I'll miss the coconut tree out back; the wind rustling through its leaves as I sit in my little corner of the living room just beside the window; pondering over this or that. And the mini-bamboo forest in front; quite majestic in its height. As I walked home today; I still found myself unable to get over just how beautiful I find the neighbourhood; though there aren't any "lights dancing over the treetops like a candle flame"; it still paints a picturesque evening scenery; walking down that avenue of trees silhouetted against the sky, a little longkang happily bubbling its course.

And I don't want to lose it all; is what I'm trying to say; to be relocated to a foreign neighbourhood; a house without the unique "soul" that makes home what it is: the scuff marks on the parquet floor left after Beyblading in years long past, that conspicuously missing toilet glass door which shattered in an ill-considered moment; gracing me with a scar on my wrist. But what's past is past, and perhaps that's where such experiences belong; to be consigned to the depths of memory; coated with that glossy veneer finish and looked upon fondly. New experiences await; new memories to be made; and maybe that's not so bad after all.

But it's still alright to be sentimental about all of it, right? :)

Just putting down a random little thought I conceived just a while ago while showering: How about a treatment for myopia that focuses on renewing the ciliary muscles rather than reshaping of the cornea?

Committed so many should-not-have's today but it's settled; I guess I've settled.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Pretty weird; cause when you think about it, the eyes are merely these roundish orbs embedded in our heads; and when taken *ahem* out of context, they pretty much look the same on a superficial level. So why the prevalence of expressions such as "look me in the eyes", "I can see it in your eyes" and their ilk? Interestingly enough (and I read this in a book on body language) for us Bio students; the pupil doesn't only dilate and constrict in response to changes in light intensity. In fact; there seems to be a correlation between the extent to which the pupil is dilated and the level of interest and engagement that individual has with the thing at hand. And when shown a series of pictures of eyes (only the eye; mind you) with varying degrees of pupil dilation; the subjects surveyed consistently found those with wider pupil diameters as instantly more "trustworthy and likable". So 'pparently, we're all awesome enough to notice such minute details such as the size of someone's freaking pupils and process certain implications on a subconscious level. It's near-instantaneous; this understanding that arises from the briefest crossing of gazes. Awkward... xD

As I walked home today; I felt within me a "snowball" of sorts, rolling, gaining in size, increasing in speed. Don't really know what form the end product will take myself; but you know what? Somehow I don't feel like being bound by convention, rules, or what others think of me. An outrageous yet exhilarating feeling. Haha; all sorts of thoughts were zipping through my head; faster and ever, like I'd just miraculously recovered from a yearlong concussion. Provoked in no small part by stuff that that guy mentioned when talking about the Commonapp essays. Semi-interesting story there; I decided to go on a whim; wanted to see how the essays were supposed to be written even though I'm not even going to be submitting an application there; but I wasn't disappointed! Those essays seem like they'd be really fun to write lol; I kinda suspect it wouldn't be too far off from some of my better posts, so I'll try my hand at one over the weekend if I can make some time for it. I've got an idea already!

Haha; basking in that aura of invincibility that overwhelms me during my "moments" feels really refreshing. Trains of thought come and go faster than the most kanchiong of passengers can board or alight; lines criss-crossing, intersecting and even colliding to give birth to a network that would induce nightmarish fits in even the most hardened of commuters. The world is sharp, perfect, in focus and I've got everything perfectly sorted out; it's perfectly clear and I'm invulnerable, indefatigable, indomitable, irresistable, and so, so, exceedingly insufferable, I realize xP It feels absolutely awesome, is what I'm getting at. Then the light fades; and the brilliance pales. The moment ends. And I'm left feeling a little confused; unable to grasp exactly what it is that I've lost. And horribly insecure; that of course.

Okay, that's enough WTF-is-he-smoking inducing for today. So I shall just leave you with some quotable awesome from the obligatory wise old woman in the awesome Brilliant Legacy:

"The destiny between people is not only determined by blood; but also by our hearts."
"Sympathy is common; in fact you could say that all humans are able to empathize with and pity those who they see are suffering. Compassion is so much rarer; it's what makes you stop to lend a hand."

N.B. A little awkwardly paraphrased, I guess; and the meaning has been sadly twice-diluted. They sounded so much better in Chinese. Now just imagine how awesome they must have been in Korean..

Je ne comprends pas.

Seriously. And sometimes I feel like I may never be able to do so.

Is it time to eschew it for action? But that is so unlike me > <

I feel so indescribably fortunate that each day; I return to a home brimming with life; and that I get to spend every night surrounded by the warmth of family.

Requires some reminding, at times.

Finally feeling better after 2 days of lying about feeling miserable >< and I was starting to lose confidence in western medicine too..

Well, I admittedly haven't been thinking too much these few days except a lingering wistfulness over my prelim results; though they're probably horribly undeserved as they are. I'll work harder for the As.

I feel like shit...damn nose; some days I feel like just chopping it off lol.

I sometimes wonder whether it's possible for one to imbue meaning into a couple of words - no more than a few - and have this meaning received in whole by the "target". The romantic in me wishes for this to be true; but the realistic side says "No way that's happening.."

So anw; jiayou, guys!

Is it time to say that I really liked that TVB drama "No Regrets"? XD

Heh, just being random here.

Was thinking a little about the idea of "place" earlier. You know that people are having difficulties, kinda empathize and want to help out. But sometimes; it's just not your place to do so. Yeap, not much else to say about that; just an intense feeling that I experience sometimes. I can't be the kind of person (and I know a few) who can operate in disregard of all these kinds of things and just do whatever they feel like doing. Find myself limited in so many ways; find my thoughts getting in the way so often, there's a tendency to over-complicate things. Can't help it though.

Watched Green Lantern last night/this morning with my father (source unrevealed :D). Pretty standard fare; brings me back to those English lessons in Pri Sch or at Morris Allen, (don't remember which) regarding storycraft: So you have a new sheriff in town (that's the example I was taught with), he settles in, a bandit raid on town is hinted at; he defeats them during the climax, everything winds down, story ends. To add a little spice - and allow for a sequel :D - maybe at the end, you have the sheriff looking out into the desert, and over the horizon, a dust cloud rises...dun dun dun DUNNN. One of the only things we learnt all those years back which has retained its relevance even till now xD

One of the lines I liked was something about fearlessness vs admitting that you have fear and facing it. (Fear being a pretty impt issue since it was about the green light of "Will" versus the yellow light of "Fear", with Fear "eroding Will and making their constructs weak") Shall not proceed to over-analyze this line as I usually do; and instead, state this little opinion of mine that in a similar fashion, Good is not the lack of evil; but rather recognizing the evil within us and overcoming it ourselves instead. Maybe I have a bias; cause I find myself to be chock-full of evil; and it's always been a constant struggle to not let myself be ruled by it. I prefer to think of it as the human condition, btw; not sure whether any of you would disagree with me. And I'd like to think that I'm not utterly bad xP (Note that I'm choosing to clearly delineate between good and evil to make this easy; a huge grey area exists in between, of course)

I wonder why it is that I've been having nothing but a string of nightmares over these past few days; the latest of which being responsible for me being awake at this unearthly hour. Lol if the term was literal I'd need a huge stable to house all of them...

Less like a drug-fueled tripout this time around; quite easy to interpret what they're about. First, an incessant worry I've been having about being discovered coupled with a growing mistrust of someone after having been trolled over and over by that person (probably not who you think it is; so don't bother) and a lack of confidence in my overly pompous writing style which was so badly criticized lol and secondly; more studies related, actually -.- Dreamt that I was having an econs test that day for whatever reason; didn't even wonder why that was so, and also didn't find it strange at all - in dreams you just go with the flow... Anw, found myself panicking and trying to recall various bits of stuff and no matter what I tried, couldn't quite remember the half-multiplier analysis in its entirety. Quite mundane, actually, but still..

Made my way down to Lavender yesterday to collect my new biometric passport from ICA. Freaking long MRT ride both ways; quite fortunate that I've pretty much mastered the art of sleeping while standing - while doing anything; actually - and I was actually the most productive I've been the entire week during that hour of waiting time. \o/

Shall go shower and try to get back to sleep now; we're going to inspect the house we'll be moving to at year's end later today.

Sweet dreams :)

Que sera sera

At some point all effort has been exhausted, then it's just best to leave things be and hope that they turn out for the best. Really hope my sis does okay for her PSLE. Wasn't such a big deal in my day, but she's been working so hard for it.

"Don't do today what you can afford to leave till tomorrow"

That is, of course assuming that we have a tomorrow to look forward to; of course. There's never a guarantee that we'll wake up healthy afterall. Heh but I find myself cynical with regards to that overly-cliched "live each day like it's your last".

Quick mental exercise: Come up with a list of just 10 things you'd do if you somehow knew that you weren't going to be around tomorrow.

Done? Somehow I kinda doubt that anything near approximating any kind of work at all would even begin to feature on that list. Now try increasing that to 50...how bout 100? 1000? Nothing, right? So, think about what'd happen to society if everyone started living that way; utterly disastrous. XD I think that the functioning of society is predicated upon the belief in the concept of a "tomorrow" and that society's greatest success has in fact been able to "guarantee" a tomorrow with a certain degree of certainty. Removes uncertainty; allows us to expand our event horizon and all that. So we have people slogging their guts out; spinning incessantly; cogs working to keep the construct of society up and running, with "tomorrow" simultaneously the carrot dangling in their faces and the stick prodding their collective behinds. Beautiful, isn't it?

So, why do I do what I do? Or more precisely, why should I be doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Well, ideally, personal satisfaction and achievement should factor in somewhere; but well; maybe it's cause while there is a chance I may not be on this Earth the next time the Sun makes its rounds (scientifically inaccurate, I know), it is quite probable (hopefully!) that I will be, so I'd best be working to make it a comfortable one; now shouldn't I?

It is invariably the case that it is only when others think that you need a break that you actually do deserve one.

'cept for when it happens to be Kit Kat of course; those capitalist pigs're only after your money.

But then again...

Mmm...doesn't seem like such a bad deal to me xP

Slow days... Looking at the recent deluge of uni-admissions related emails which have absolutely no relevance to me as of now; I can't help but wonder whether it's really okay for me to be so, so slack and relaxed.

A half-formed list of things to do resides, for now, in the foggy outskirts of my mindscape. The fog will clear soon; I know, as the time to face them draws closer. But for now, I'll just give myself a little time to chill :D

Yesternight's dreams were...weird to say the least. If dreams are supposed to be a reflection of what's going on within one's head; then I'm really, really messed up lol. Some cobbled up amalgam of the various BS I've allowed entry into my head and which apparently; have not only taken up permanent residence but have also taken to having wild parties over at their neighbour's.

First was some weird shit where I was at some weird market-carnival kind of thing where they were selling all sorts of random trinkets and so on. We were on a trip of some kind; so I only had an hour or so to look around. Everything was pretty normal; nearing the end of the hour; when a friend dragged me to some rock-painting booth; sat down and started painting; then my rock or figure or wtv became some gooey weird figurine with some details that I'd rather not mention lol. Then I was cutting away some parts that had melted and so on; then our guide came to look for us; it was time to leave. He looked at the idol I'd painted and basically said that I was screwed cause I'd seen some avatar of screwed-upness and would be cursed with horrible luck. Ok, whatever. Got on some open-air car of sorts which then drove off. After awhile; there was some maniacal laughing; and hornets, which I remember vividly to have known to be African Hornets, for some reason, started flying in through the windows and stinging everyone. There were some smaller bees too, I think. So they were stinging, stinging, all over the place and I was trying to cover my head and neck and crunched up on the floor and still they continued stinging.

At that point; I think I woke up a little; in one of those phases of semi-consciousness that occasionally punctuate long periods of sleep and had the vague realization that I was lying on my bed, but couldn't move, and could feel a residual stinging sensation all over my arms and legs. Even imagined that one of my friends had had a similar dream and had messaged me about it, and replied with a "wtf, me too!" Which evidently didn't happen IRL, so wtheck, the previous one could have been a dream within a dream lol. Then I closed my eyes again; and entered the nothingness of dreamless sleep.

After awhile, awareness came back again. (didn't know I was still dreaming; I think it's something like how when you're dreaming; you don't really question the reality around yourself or even wonder whether it's all a dream) The details elude me, seriously; but it was some really spastic nonsense. Was some new guy working at some zoo of sorts I guess; and was responsible for some giant squid-like monstrosity. I was unable to establish dominance over it; and feeding it and so on involved some weird procedures, culminating in me running for my life out of the enclosure to shut the door in its face. Eventually I messed up somehow and had to do battle with some Cthulhu-esque monster, which eventually became Squidward of all things, then I woke up.

Haha, just wanted to type that down for fun; I forgot a lot of what happened; which seems to be the norm for most people after they've had a dream but nvm. Quite spastic, and really a departure from my usual dreams; which tend to be of the more slice-of-life variety.

Random little thing my mum got for breast cancer awareness month; supposed to demonstrate how some lumps can be felt and how some can't; thus necessitating periodic mammograms, or so it seems. She kept asking me to press it lol. Haha; kind of reminds me what medical professionalism is supposed to be. Kind of like how there was a campaign a few years back asking patients with ED to signal that to their doctor with a thumbs down (N) and how my dad has a series of um...fruits?...indicating various levels of "hardness" xD Can't imagine getting to the point where I'd be able to maturely and tactfully discuss such stuff with virtual strangers lol.

 Came across this pic on FB, can't remember who posted it. Just putting it here cause idk; provoked some pretty visceral feelings for me. (Pun wholly unintended; at least initially xP) The insensitive caption is entirely mine; couldn't help myself. Google "hand of hope" if you're interested.

"Thanks for giving me a hand; but I'm really almost done with this operation"

Can the leopard change its spots?

The cyclical nature of life; which I find myself caught up by, much like a bottle out at sea; at the mercy of the ebb and flow of tides.
The form is different, of course, but the themes reoccur, and where I was last year; I find myself heading towards, yet again.
I thought I had changed (no seriously), so why does the same damn thing have to happen over and over?
This is not what Nietzsche meant when he talked bout the eternal recurrence; I'm positive of that. If it is, though, maybe I'd have a shot at becoming an Übermensch.

Lol, just learnt recently that "gay" = 断背 XD

We who seek balance now xP

So sleepy. And now; with the prelims practically over (with only the all so crucial chem MCQ left); now begins the pointlessly difficult task of normalizing my messed up sleeping schedule.

Time after Bio today was pretty unexpectedly spent :D Had some one to one time with an old friend; stoned around in the canteen for awhile; went out for lunch then went home. Pretty cool lah; quite an interesting, albeit cynical view on things. Not too many people I can simply sit around and casually talk with; without things getting stale; with no need for any pretense or crap like that. Very refreshing.

Quite random; but I'm just thinking that extremism is so much more provocative; so much more interesting than any old moderate stance to an issue. I remember hearing or reading somewhere that that's a kind of criticism or key difference that Westerners notice between Singaporeans and them. There's supposedly this tendency towards a balanced view; one that covers all bases (which I don't doubt has something to do with our culture; evidenced pretty much in GP essay criteria I guess) which makes us sound all the same?

Haha, I can't deny the allure of extremist views; no matter how messed up they are. Case in point; though I was horrified by one of my ex-classmate's opinions that society shouldn't support the disabled; as they constitute a drain on its resources; which he expressed in all seriousness, there was, to me, at least, a certain perverse attractiveness to it as something that bucked social norms; and the coldly dispassionate way in which he put his point forth. It's those who put forth these extreme views which garner the most response, it seems. Either by those horrified by them or those who've secretly harbored them themselves; yet never had the courage to give voice to them for fear of societal reprisal.

Even so, I can't say that I approve of extremity for the sake of being extreme. It's kind of like how I think when people say that "they're looking for mavericks"; they're actually mixing up causality and effect. They're actually looking for the traits and character that would make someone unafraid of breaking the status quo rather than the act itself. And now we have self-styled mavericks doing it for all the wrong reasons. Besides, maybe it's the conservative within me speaking; but somehow I really do believe that moderation does bucketloads more for stability than extremism does; don't you agree?

Maybe that's why I'm such a boring person :P

Some things will never change. You're one of them; and I mean that in the best possible way :)

On another note; 15 min delay on the red line...damn.

I don't want anything much anymore, I realize. When I say want; I'm obviously not referring to the material aspect alone. I find little appetite or ambition within myself; at this point of time, and a subsequent lack of motivation to really do things. I recognize that I'm running on auto-pilot right now; directed by the vague understanding that there's XYZ that I have to do; so I'd damn well better go do them.

After these last 2 prelim papers; I've gotta do some searching; I guess. To grasp at that soul which I'm not even sure I possess; to re-orientate and refocus. Fear has served as a passable "motivator" in the past, evidenced by those desperate bouts of late night mugging which I've become habituated to; come to see as a mere corollary of imminent examinations, up to the point where it's perfectly normal for me to stay up till 2 (or later) mugging for the day's paper; zombify myself right before; shake myself out of the stupor to take the test; crash right after, and do up my mugging while following the latest happenings in the back-to-back dramas running from 8-9, 9-10, 10-10.30 and 12-1 that my family so loves to watch. It's kinda scary the extent to which it's meshed so neatly into my daily routine.

And yet "passable" isn't quite going to cut it for the A's, now is it? I'll have to find my own way.

On a lighter note; Bio Paper 3 was THE paper; the paper which I've finally managed to fully and truly complete; without leaving any blanks, with all the answers done up to my satisfaction. So, we'll see how it turns out. I'll have to admit, though that I more or less neglected the preparations for it; only started on the Application stuff around 7 or so after waking up from the aftermath of chem, cramming the planning stuff while on the ride to school and entirely ignoring the Core stuff. (The goldfish experiment in the Respiration exemplars was hilarious, really. "Count the number of times the goldfish opens and closes its mouth within a 5 minute period" to determine the rate of respiration lol. Can just imagine some student carrying out the practical and swearing as he loses track of how many times that damn goldfish which swims around the beaker opens and closes its damn mouth. The weighing of the goldfish just smacks of animal abuse; and well, let's just hope that the pilot tests to find optimal temperature range did not end up clogging the drain.)

My left hand actually ached for hours after the paper; as I was more or less writing from start till end; and started spamming the theory for the planning experiment before I was done thinking through the whole thing. Felt a little high afterwards; it becomes ALOT less stressful when you stop treating it completely like a test and instead think of it as a challenge to see how much content you can stuff between those few lines within the stipulated time limit; as well as trying to predict what the marker wants and giving it to them; a little cynically, perhaps; when I got to the risks and precautions for the planning and wrote the stock answers of avoiding injury due to cuts.

After all that I've said, it'll be really embarrassing if I find out that I did really badly. Haha I don't see how people like Yongjin can put themselves on the line, figuratively speaking; by declaring that the paper was simple. Either they don't give a **** of what people think of them or they're supremely confident in their own ability. I fall within neither of those categories; so I'll just stop here ><

A Procrastinator's Warning

"Time is elastic", The procrastinator's creed. Just don't let it snap. Spur of the moment haiku XD I can't help but be reminded of Rette's epic: The dead bird is red. The dead bird is very red. The red bird is dead. ...um yeah, those were more retarded times. Can't say I didn't have a shitload of fun, though >.<

TGIF (On a Saturday, no less!)

I'd love to talk, but that's not happening anytime soon, now is it? > <

Spent the last few hours or so after getting back binging on my laptop; which has been little more than a glorified paperweight - occupying valuable real estate on my table which I'd like to think of as being in a state of deshabille but is unfortunately just plain messy - these past few days.

I'm not sure when it was that I started to find a certain serenity during these exam period. The days kind of blend into each other; paper after another, very idyllic (not idle, of course!) Even when rushing to cram for the next paper; those desperate 2 hours or so between Econs Paper 2 and Bio Paper, as I just sat there alone flipping at frantic pace through that stack of 7 or so topics, there wasn't really much stress to speak of. Going home straight after the paper to catch up on last night's sleep; cram again, rinse and repeat. Very simple; kind of unlike the bulk of our papers up till now xD

Now for some random spam on the prelims xP (You've been warned)

I've already alluded to Econs; basically didn't manage to finish writing any of my essays; didn't really allocate my time fully and spammed too much on that Merit and Public good question, which compromised the latter ones.

Bio was pretty manageable; thanks to the separation of application and core syllabus; which makes that whole smorgasbord of topics marginally digestible. Heh I think I relapsed into my RI form for Bio; where I approached each question with a little too much enthusiasm; literally spamming everything I knew, with little regard to the actual nuances of the question. I'll term it the "shotgun approach" (not to be mixed up with that DNA sequencing technique). The metaphorical shotgun may have metaphorically backfired though; since I didn't manage to finish the essay despite having a solid 30 or so mins left to tackle it. I got a little too complacent towards the end, methinks. I actually spent awhile debating with myself which question to attempt by trying to mentally list down the points I had for each. Not an optimal approach; hindsight tells me. Death by choice indeed... Shouldn't do too badly; though it's always impossible to tell, with Bio. It's always the analness of the answer scheme that trips me up; though I do realize it's got to do with my general ineptitude as well.

Chem was a disaster, to put it simply. It's probably the subject that I have to pay the most attention to right now; since I should be able to do it, can't give myself excuses like not having practiced enough since that's all down to my general laziness. Lost marks left right center; the most I can hope for out of Paper 3 is a pass. It's quite telling that when the thing started and I was briefly scanning the questions (hoping to eliminate the toughest, you see) and I started crossing things out; I quickly realized that there were none that I was confident in dealing with...

Math was a mixed bag. Paper 1 had those standardly non-standard pure math questions that just made me go "WTF!" stare at them for awhile; scribble something onto the paper; cancel my scribblings only to rewrite them all over again along with those really run-of-the-mill questions that I should really have been able to attempt much faster. Chalk it down to lack of rigorous practice, I guess. Speed could be further optimized. Paper 2 was actually a little fun to do; while I was initially worried about the time, after spending way too long on the first few questions; the statistics part was a breeze, as there's really alot less thinking and alot more regurgitating to do. Should be fine even accounting for the fact that I probably messed up the probability questions. My paranoid side fears that literally everything could have been wrong and I would have still walked out thinking that I did fine; but I hope that wasn't the case lol. The pure math part was the "fun" part; since imo, it involved alot less technique than in Paper 1 and required more thinking and problem solving. Heh, maybe it was a no-brainer for the rest of you who did it, but when finding the points of intersection of the tangent in the parametric question, I was randomly multiplying and cancelling terms, and it felt so good after managing to whack out the answer :D Ditto for the last part of the AP GP question, where after staring at it for awhile - with the very frequent glances upwards at the clock to see how many precious minutes were remaining - I finally began to see the glimmers of a solution. As frenzied scribbling followed; with each line of working taking up like 2 lines of foolscap; the pieces started to fit together, and realizing the last part of the puzzle - to multiply by 3/2 - to get the answer was so gratifying. Hahaha I can see how that feeling of gratification could get pretty addictive; it's just that so often there's so little time under exam conditions that the stress overwhelms everything and I'm unable to think straight. I'm normally unable to "see" the solutions for such questions, so good job for managing it this time, Chris! XD The vectors question was a nightmare; though I'm pretty confident that all my steps were correct; they didn't give us any "save points" at all! So I was just doing, doing, doing; and hoping really hard that I hadn't overlooked any careless mistake that would doom the rest of my marks. Especially so given that I've got a bad track record with such mistakes.. Lost >7 marks in CT2 cause I was rushing and did the dot product wrongly, getting 5x5 = 5 instead of 25 or something like that. Even worse was that when as I was done with one part and was checking the working; I realized that I had made 1x1 become 2 lol. Not exactly confidence-boosting material.

Hahaha, that's it for the Prelims spam this week (Y) My predicted grades aren't looking too good atm; GP, Math and Econs are already decided; so all that's left are Bio and Chem (well duh). Bio looks fine, but Chem...urgh...very jialat alr, it'll be a miracle if I can maintain CT2 standard.

And now, a short (PSA) by a friendly, stoned lemur:

Credits SY for showing it to me so long ago :D

"At school nag, at home nag; no peace at all -.-

-KYan

I need to write faster. Sigh. Maybe I'm comparatively disadvantaged when it comes to writing; having to forcefully push my hand across the paper when I write rather than the elegant gliding action that favors right-handers. My unfortunate affliction with sweaty palms means that at the end of the paper, I'm left with a blue stain on the bottom of my hand that would surely get me caught blue-handed should I ever decide to karate chop someone right after. Being unable to review what I'm writing as I write is pretty crappy too >< haha so should I concede this disadvantage and develop other areas of CA instead or continue to work at it? Answer seems pretty evident.

I'll end the random whining here

Let the season of daily sleep deprivation begin :P thank god for the distribution of papers.

Looks like I may or may not have had moldy bread for breakfast today -.-

Idk why, but I seem to be irrationally confident in the power of my "nitro boost" -.- hope I've not doomed myself

I'm 18 now, for all that it's worth. Quite a bit later than most of you, I'm sure. Legal to drink, attempt to drive, and...I'm not sure what else, actually. Heh and don't feel any different, of course. There's no impressive coming of age ritual/trial unlike some rainforest tribe where boys have to put on sleeves with bullet ants sewn into them, stingers inwards and bear the agony of hundreds of stings, each of which feels like "being shot with a gun" in order to be considered a man. Go figure. Here in "civilization", transitions are alot less clear cut: We have 10 year olds bearing the responsibility of grownups and "adults" who continue to act like kids.

Had a small but enjoyable celebration at home (we dined out at Fish & Co during the weekend) and it was quite heartfelt for me I guess. One of my sisters even went to the trouble of putting together a short slideshow (she's random and sweet like that) which wasn't that awesome but very appreciated XD

And well, something just a little related that I've been thinking is that I've been really fortunate and lucky that I've grown up knowing what it's like to be loved. Haha and I realize I complain about my family more than a little, but then there's all those small and not-so-small random gestures (which would sound incredibly strange to an outsider if I bring them up in normal convos) infused with a wordless love and care. Having received so much from both my nuclear and extended family, there's a feeling of wanting to share it with someone. I think I'm not that great at transmitting those wordless thoughts (for lack of a better word) though, which is a pity; cause though they always say that it's the thought that counts, how's the recipient supposed to know your thoughts to know whether they count unless you're able to adeptly convey them? :S Effective communication seems to be a general weakness in my family; and a major source of misunderstandings at times...we're able to get along perfectly well; then one of us opens our mouth, makes a passing comment - sometimes jokingly - which is then latched onto by someone else and the thing suddenly gets confrontational; may escalate into an argument and the mood gets really disgusting.

Probably something I should work on if I ever hope to have my intentions be understood; though sometimes, I may not even understand them myself xP

Breached

Oh, by and by; it seems like this sanctuary for my mind has been compromised by The Family. No idea how long this has been happening though.

Can't say I'm very comfortable with this; of having my little sister repeating quotes off here to me, or saying that some of my posts are "So cute". I'm not happy bout it; though I may not sound that way.

Not too sure what I'll be doing about it though; I could uproot myself, put in a password (though that wouldn't deter my brother for long; to him, passwords are merely a challenge to be confronted), limit the audience, lock it completely or simply do nothing at all.

We'll see after the Prelims, though I gain a measure of comfort from knowing that as a result of my second paragraph, all but the last course of action could likely lead to my littlest sister getting pummeled for "ruining everything with her big mouth".

The subconscious countdown ticks. 1. I can't help it, really :)

I'll avoid talking about such pedestrian issues as the degree of screwed-upness for the prelims; since that's a given.


I've managed to spend a little while messing around with Google Gravity which my bro introduced me to. Pretty cool I must say xP Everything falls down to the bottom of the screen; including search results (which are limited, of course) then you can use your mouse to flick them around as you wish! Coolest thing is that it can even sense if you turn your com and automatically make the pieces fall in that direction.
(Obviously engineered) Screenshot of some of my meddling below

 Quite low-res, I know, since I have no idea how to put up a screenshot other than copying over to Paint then scaling down. I'm open to suggestions, if there are any. On Chrome instead of the usual Firefox cause it just felt right. Give it a try if you've got a little time to burn.

I'm finding life at home surprisingly enjoyable. Isn't that lonely since the rest are usually home due to the September hols, and I really appreciate the additional opportunity to mess around with my family (though of course they can get horribly infuriating as well!). The only problem is finding it within myself to sit down and focus all my efforts on work; haven't been all too successful.

Minor bit of drama tonight: My maid saw this suspicious-looking guy loitering at the back of our row of houses from upstairs, so she turned out the lights and kept watch on him. Apparently, he went off; came back 15 mins later with some plastic bag and climbed over the back wall into the house neighbouring ours'. Obviously this was pretty suspicious behaviour; so my bro and me ran out (after ensuring we were suitably clothed; it's damn hot these days -.-) to the back to see what was going on. Trying to be as circumspect as possible, 以免打草惊蛇, we peered into the house and noticed that their back gate was ajar. We also heard the sound of furniture being moved around; "Perhaps by a burglar stumbling around in the dark?" an overactive imagination asked. Since there'd been a burglary at another house awhile ago, my bro (he's the brave, decisive one) made a call to the police to report the incident while the two of us remained watching over the back. Nothing seemed to be happening, though, and after awhile, some guy who was walking his dog passed by and asked us if we were waiting for anyone (we must have looked pretty suspicious, now that I think about it; standing around in the dark). When we answered in the affirmative, he said that he'd seen someone running out from the front towards the bus stop. Well, the Police arrived soon after, and the lights came on as well as my neighbours coincidentally got back at the same time. Statements were taken; and in the end, it seems highly likely that the guy in question was their maid's boyfriend "visiting" her while the owners my neighbours were out. Just a theory though.

Haha, disappointed? Well, I did say "minor", plus epic tales of heroism, 见义勇为ness and so on are only present in movies, books, as well as Primary School compos. So there >.<

Anyway; I'm in the mood for my random thoughts; so I'll just dump them here.

I used to think - perhaps a bit foolishly - that personality didn't matter; since it's possible for an individual to control what he (or she) does; and even control to some extent the way he thinks (read: positive/negative reinforcement for example) and acts. Think, for a very simplistic example, of the "bad guy turned good" trope that is so evident in literature. I'd question what personality actually was; the masks that we put on when we face others? (yes, that's a recurring theme) or the real face beneath. Quite some time back; I even got into an identity crisis of sorts, as I just sat there; mentally peeling back the layers like one might an onion, exfoliating myself; so to speak; and horror of horrors: I "realized" that there was nothing beneath, nothing overtly central or core to myself that was irreducible even when everything else had been stripped away.

A few months on, I think I can say that my thinking has matured. In part because I've associated with a number of "bad" personalities (I hesitate to say "bad people" as I believe that there are no truly bad people; just a whole lot of horribly mistaken ones) and one thing I've realized is that yes, they could easily choose to behave another way; but that it's impossible to judge a person in isolation from his choices. I have so many friends (heh, or maybe not that many); perfectly fine people, usually fun to be with; yet infuriating (to me) in their negativity. At first I'd keep making attempts to encourage them; and it works, for some. But there are those who never seem to change, despite all the effort put in; not only by me, but by others as well. And that kinda forced me to the realization that they're that way because they choose (consciously or not) to be that way. I'm not begrudging them that. I don't even know what the point of me saying this is. Probably simply to say that I really place value on these kinds of choices and cannot overstate the importance I place on them. Choices that determine destiny, or so they say.

And this belief has given me grounding, not only in the way I see others but also on a personal level. Where in the past I used to seek a definitive core pillar of "me-ness" which came out (rather immaturely I feel compelled to add) in so-called "golden rules" which I obstinately refused to violate - such as "To never tell lies" for example, or "To not put my interests before those of others" - simply because I wanted some element to grab ahold of in a world of shifting sand; I now realize (in quite a cliched fashion) that what I was looking for had been under my nose the whole time. That "me" that I seeked? Clearly visible when I'm walking along, see some rubbish on the floor and instinctively pick it up to throw away. Also visible; of course, when I could just as easily walk past some crap on the floor and not do anything about it. No need to make a point to myself by going all out to pick up everything that I come across. The same me who doesn't hesitate to offer help to a friend who seems to need it yet who sighs inwardly as my sister has yet another question she can't do and who somewhat imperiously commands her to come over that she may be enlightened. As I start to really pay attention to the choices I make; the way I react to things, I get a clearer picture of the person I am. And this following of trends in choices rather than the very absolutist way in which I used to carry(?) myself has made life a lot easier to live; way more enjoyable; way more appreciable. I do things because I feel (for whatever reason) like doing them; not to prove a point to myself; or - God forbid - other people. Life's much more open now; where I can say: "I am who I am; flawed, true; truly flawed; but me nonetheless" and only feel apologetic about it if I want to be.

Text wall, right? I'm not quite sure if I make much sense to a third-party, as all this is very much an internal train of thought; running on the convoluted tracks of my sulcus (cheem technical term for the crevices in our brains; thanks Google!). And I'm trying to put this certain view on life into words; which I am patently horrible at doing. Same thing goes for my narrative ability :)

Well, have any of you tried out Google Gravity?

You Are An Enigma To Me

Just wanted to share this link. Cheesy dialogue in the examples aside, I think that it's really meaningful, not only in romantic relationships but well...platonic(?) ones as well.

I haven't been able to complete a proper post recently; seems like that's only possible when I get an idea, sit down, and most importantly, don't let anything distract me till I'm done. Hehx, maybe I'm making this seem too much like a job. But that's only cause there's been so much I want to put down; random thoughts that have been festering in my head, as well as those that my brain simply churns out while in the shower; and there are alot of those, somehow the shower seems to be most conducive for my thinking...hmmm if only exams could be taken there xP

A friend asked me to do a peer evaluation for him a couple of hours ago. And to me; it was completely different from the evaluations I did up for my vice-capt and capt for that RD business. Why? I guess it's partially because he (or she) is a much closer friend; and when you - or at least I - stop for a moment to think about exactly what you know about those close to you, other than those stupid, albeit hilarious stuff which you did together, that's when the questions start rolling in.

There's always the feeling that you're not going deep enough; perhaps merely skimming the surface of the Mariana Trench. You know that there's got to be more to him (or her) than you see in the interactions you've had with him (no more her's; the pretense of gender equality got tiresome), that people put on different masks and personas around different groups of people (I'm not saying it's an act of deception btw), so really, it's impossible to "know" the whole spectrum of them. The worry that perhaps you're only acquainted with the most superficial aspects of him does persist; despite having some confidence in the relationship you two share.

No, I don't go around questioning the "reality" of what I perceive. It's pretty much an accepted fact; however you want to interpret that. Just something I thought was pretty interesting :)

So in the end, after a sortta agonizing 45 mins, I put together just a little over 300 words of my truest impressions of him; beginning with the awesome line: "XXX is a bit of an enigma to me."
I didn't attempt to fluff it up since I didn't want to dilute the sincerity of it; and well, to be honest, I don't think he needed it. He said that it gave him a "warm and fuzzy feeling" so I guess I can take it that I was more-or-less successful, in that what I wrote matched his perception of himself; either that or (rather more cynically) it matched what he wanted others to perceive him as xP
Just kidding, wouldn't have written it for him if I had felt that way~

We all seek an understanding that few (if any) of us will ever obtain. But sometimes I wonder, is it truly that bad a thing?

The reason why blogger should have a "listening to:" field

Won't ever grow sick of this same old song :)

Some things have an expiry date to them; days, months, years? It is only those that carry emotions and powerful memories that remain forever in our hearts, even when everything else is turned to dust.

Last day of proper lessons. I guess it didn't really sink in; some rushing off after getting those PW markers' comments back, till only 10 or so of us were left in class. Savoring the atmosphere of one of the last few times we'll just be hanging around in class, talking about stuff that eludes my memory right now. Horribly mundane, really, but something that will be dearly missed. What's up next, I wonder? I can't even begin to guess, the past week has been wholly unpredictable. Quite interesting to see how people react to stress; really.

I applaud the dedication of CNA towards the covering of the Presidential elections. Like okay, I understand that you have that slot of airtime set aside; and that you don't really have much to work with, but when your're repeating "news" - in the loosest sense of the word - culled shamelessly from Twitter, it's just sad..

Picture practically speaks for itself..

Haven't been following the PE so actively, but can't say I've been horribly impressed by what I've seen. The general impression just doesn't have the kind of dignity I'd expect of a Presidential Election. So much contention - understandable, of course - but the result doesn't seem conducive for future work and progress..How can you have a president who actually gets booed at by the people? We look set to find out.

"Don't lose sight of the bigger picture in pursuit of your selfish ambitions." Useful reminder, thanks :)
Sometimes a horse needs to put on blinkers, so it can run fast and far; but humans aren't horses, nor do we have the "luxury" of being steered by someone who presumably has a better idea of where to go, what to do.

We, and only we are masters of our fates, captains of our soul; so we'd better know, where we really want to go. So that, I don't know, we don't wind up at our "Promised Land" only to shed those blinkers; look around blearily in the brightness of the sun, only to find ourselves bereft of everything we care about. Or perhaps find that in the process of blind pursuit; that the acts we've committed, choices we've made, have irrevocably changed us, in not so desirable ways.

Of course, there is a certain tendency to overstate/over-exaggerate the seriousness of this, since it's only rarely that that "worst-case scenario" would come about.

How very adult.

[I've deleted a chunk; partially out of self-censorship, and partially out of the hope that I'll feel differently in time soon to come.]

No wonder then, that I look upon the past favorably, when things weren't so motivated; were more innocent, dare I say? When you have no particular reason for doing something; it makes the act itself so much more meaningful. An openness was present then, and I fear the same can't be said for now.

If I told you that it's fine to be open; that it's fine cause I don't want anything of you at all; would you believe me, I wonder? Or just stare at me, giving me that "WTF IS HE SMOKING" look that I'm way too accustomed to?

Google detects "unusual traffic from your [my] computer network" apparently, and has seen fit to block my access for much of the day. Way to go, Google (Y) Irrational rage aside, there are some very valid reasons why Google should be feared. As a personal anecdote, my sister used to be a satisfied user of gmail till a few months ago till her account was frozen due to some weird problem regarding her age, and some credit card information as well as personal particulars were demanded to unfreeze it.  Pretty messed up, right? Yet ironically, I'll still continue using gmail, continue to use google as my preferred search engine and blogger for this, cause it's just convenient that way..

Just a thought I had over the weekend:

Life's pretty much a zero-sum game, when you get down to it. Everything we strive to obtain, all those achievements we struggle so hard to...well...achieve; most - if not all - of them come at the expense of someone else. I'm not advocating that we work any less harder to let others have the opportunity; that'd be the height of foolishness, imo, but I do think that an understanding/realization of that point is really important. Armed with this understanding, we "consume" with gratitude, with respect for those whom we deprive, and make full use of what we've gained.

Pretty random, so I just decided to keep it to a short snippet.

On a more humorous note; my sister apparently professed to have dreamt about dropping the iPad while she was asleep. Meta-dreams aside, the hilarious part was when my mum walked in and said that she had actually dropped the iPad. Complete coincidence or calculated attempt to deflect blame? We shall never know xD


Had an awesome dinner at my aunt's house today, cooked by my uncle :D They've got things sorted out so well; a seemingly perfect balance between discipline and freedom the bringing up of my cousins that it's no wonder why I occasionally find myself looking towards them as a "model" family of sorts. Unhealthy comparisons ttm.

And finally; I've broken 6, gushed past 7, and hit 8. I'll get to the double-digits soon!

New Beginnings

Swallow the bitterness, and move on. The mayfly dream was beautiful while it lasted; gossamer wings flashing in the sunlight.

Heh, it all happened so fast; triggered off by an impossibly inane sequence of events. I won't go so far to say that it's over; and it's good that over the past day or so; I've thought hard - and not to mention fast - about what I want to do, and more importantly, how I'm going to achieve it. Directionality, so to speak. So I'll let it go with a hint of regret; that things couldn't be taken further, that perhaps I didn't work hard enough in the past to warrant its fruition.

The past is over; the present is now, and the future is looming. Now I guess it's time to summon that energy to face it.

That aside, expectations can be pretty harmful at times. Even though you know those expectations can be totally unfounded, utterly groundless; it's in my nature - or human nature even, perhaps - to harbour hope. And y'know, the more you expect, the more you set yourself up for disappointment.

Yet I've got to admit that it's when you harbour those wildly unjustified expectations, and when someone against the odds comes through on them for you; that you feel a giddy sense of excitement, a wordless gratitude. I don't ask this of everyone, most of the time, I don't ask for anything at all. It's only those special few who get that dubious "privilege", and I earnestly hope they ask the same of me as well.

"You know you're an adult, not just when you're able to put the needs of others above your own, but when you're able to do it without giving a single thought to what they "owe" you in return. You realize that, at some point you weren't even aware of, you became the tap instead of the bucket. And then you look back and hate your younger self for living under the delusion that somehow a world full of buckets could function."

-John Cheese

Really striking. And it saddens me to think that it's probably quite true that there will be some - or even many - who'll never really ever "grow up". Link's to the entire article, the quote's the penultimate paragraph.

I whittled away a merry hour or so reading this online novella called "Bartender" by DOB; a pretty cool writer at Cracked. Thought it was pretty hilarious, so I'll be linking it at the side. I'm not bothering with a synopsis cause I doubt I'd be able to do the story justice, so just click over to the first chapter and see if it's to your liking.
Disclaimer: Do not read if you absolutely abhor dick jokes and their ilk.
Edit: Or actually, even if you do, do take a look. Who knows, you may change your mind xP

The interesting things one finds on the net xP

Focus on the "Sting Factor" column. I find it amusing how someone actually went to quantify the sensation of being stung by various bugs (not trying to be scientific here..) and actually came up with an index describing the exact sensation. I tried looking for the full article, but apparently that needs some paid subscription to some online journal library which I decidedly do not possess, so here's the wiki link instead: Schmidt Sting Pain Index

The scale goes from 0.0 to 4.0, with 0.0 being almost no pain at all, and 4.0+ being "Pure, intense, brilliant pain"; which does seem remarkably similar to that GPA system we had in RI, does it not?

Even more laudable is the way he goes about the business of getting stung by bugs like a true professional; going to painstaking lengths to describe each experience in excruciating detail. He seems like quite the connoisseur xP

One of the more interesting ones:
When describing an insect ranked 4.0: "...immediate, excruciating pain that simply shuts down one's ability to do anything, except, perhaps, scream. Mental discipline simply does not work in these situations."

As a Bio student, and one having to come up with those sickening SPA Planning answers at that, I can't help but wonder: Did he bother with the repeats and replicates? To check for reproducibility of results, y'know.

It's amazing the effect a couple of words can have on me. At the sight of them, my eyes perk up; my spirits liven; I settle down a little more into my chair (as much as is possible with a straight-backed one), and ready myself for a good read. And you rarely disappoint.

There's a certain spirit in that work, a certain dedication embedded, that I'd like to be able to replicate in mine. Yet, I don't think I'll be able to. I find what I write a little too self-absorbed, too audience-unfriendly, if you know what I mean (and you will, won't you, having read so much of this stuff).

Haha anyway, I messed up the SGC. Only realized it was due 7pm after asking Angela at 6.34. After that, I panicked, opened my mouth; and a stream of utter BS escaped from it, coalescing onto my computer screen. An exercise in pointlessness, is it not? To see who can get the least utility out of those 1800 characters. Characters, seriously. Like fine, penalize a guy for having a long name for all you want, and perhaps the readers have braved hypen-hell for too long, and requested, nay, demanded liberation from it. Maybe it's the only way to counter enterprising/desperate students who have done oh-so-much that they practically have to cram their SGC till it's bursting at the seams, and have resorted to excessive hyphenation, contractions, brackets, headers, footers and god-knows-what.

Hmmph but it's only when they get me to put things down on paper that what I've accomplished in my JC life appears to be so paltry and insubstantial. But screw them. If I've learnt anything, it's that JC life is about the experience; it's not a laundry list of things and stunning achievements. It's something that's greater than the sum of it's individual components, and it contains not only the quantifiable; but the unquantifiable as well. And well, prospective employers-to-be, if you miss out on all that because my SGC failed to impress; some might say it's my loss, I guess, but who knows, it could be your loss as well, nameless cog in the machine that I may be. Cause I'd make a damn good nameless cog.

I'm not making sense anymore, so it ends here.

Happy Birthday Singapore =)

I'll always love you, imperfections and all.

Heh, sometimes I wonder what love is, and isn't that the most simple answer? A connection shared, between you and me, of memories past, a future faced together; fates inextricably intertwined. Not begrudging of what flaws may be present, yet at the same time not accepting things as they are, challenging each other to challenge the status quo, to surpass current limitations and advance through mutual effort. It doesn't have to be rational - so many things in this world aren't anyway - it just is.

I didn't write about this earlier, but attending that NDP preview really helped me reaffirm my love for this country, which I think is a really important thing. I guess that deep down, as we go about our daily lives, we all know that for some reason or other, we all (most of us, at least) love Singapore, yet this love does tend to get drowned out by those everyday happenings - those small and not-so-small incidents that have been cause for concern - as well as a preoccupation with our individual lives. So cliched or lame as it may be, the NDP and on a larger scale, the celebration of National Day in my opinion, serves as a good reminder of the various things we love about this small island nation, and does a good job of unifying the people to tackle the challenges ahead, especially after recent potentially divisive/highly polarising events (read: the General Elections). So good call, PAP, and former MM Lee XD (cause I realized after a little googling that apparently the "emeritus" title is only applied to SM Goh? correct me if I'm wrong..)

Just gotta learn to say "No"

Waking up after a 5 hour alcohol-induced slumber, I guess I finally realize that I can't help everyone, no matter how much I want to be able to take away all that pain. Some people are blackholes, basically - you can keep on giving, putting in effort, and it won't make a difference. They'll keep sucking and sucking till you're dry. Nothing will change. Not one of my better experiences.

I saw this book in the RJ library about "vampires" while looking for this book by Machiavelli. But rather than being those sparkly shirtless Twilight vampires (I confess; I've never even touched the book or even let myself get close to a theatre screening the movie) it dealt with those vampires who prey on your emotions. And maybe I should take a look at that book sometime, cause it seems like I'm a sucker for them and their tricks (pun intended).

All it comes down to, eventually, is whether you think it's all worth it or not. And you know, as I walked away at 3.30 initially, I thought it really wasn't that bad at all. But after getting a sms from the aforementioned friend "Im nvr going out in grps again" who freaking organized the whole damn thing, and now having to do some catch-up on econs with a buzzing at the back of my head, I'm really questioning the value of what I've done. It isn't the first time, and idk whether it'll be the last.

I really want to be the kind of person who'd drop what they're doing to give a friend a hand, but it's really really irritating when that thought isn't appreciated (note that I'm not even talking about reciprocation; here I don't usually expect that much). It just makes me feel used, before being tossed aside.

In the here and now

Time is the great leveler.
In Time, even the greatest heights of passion may crumble,
In Time, even the most cavernous depths of sorrow may be filled in.
Joy dissipates, pain fades, eventually, as all is to dust.
Memory, perhaps, is all that we're left with, clung onto desperately,
but even that is merely transient as human existence.
Everything is nothing, in the face of Time.

And yet humans are nothing if not creatures of the present, albeit a little more future-orientated than most. Anything and everything is felt most intensely, no matter how short-lived it may be, as is the way things should be. For if we should pause to consider the significance of this temporal existence before that unstoppable juggernaut of Time, well there'd practically be nothing to speak of, now would there?

So I've decided to live in the here and now, take whatever may come, be it rain or shine, it's all beautiful. Cause beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder knows how undesirable the alternatives are.

I think I'm getting more and more incomprehensible, maybe a side effect of the drought of interaction :D

MY EYES THEY BURNN. Of all the shit I've seen on the net (a not insubstantial amount) this takes the (shit)cake hands-down. AoC fanfiction, really?!?

There's gotta be a way to unsee that, right? Now where's that brain bleach...

Should have known better than to click on that link...