I don't want anything much anymore, I realize. When I say want; I'm obviously not referring to the material aspect alone. I find little appetite or ambition within myself; at this point of time, and a subsequent lack of motivation to really do things. I recognize that I'm running on auto-pilot right now; directed by the vague understanding that there's XYZ that I have to do; so I'd damn well better go do them.

After these last 2 prelim papers; I've gotta do some searching; I guess. To grasp at that soul which I'm not even sure I possess; to re-orientate and refocus. Fear has served as a passable "motivator" in the past, evidenced by those desperate bouts of late night mugging which I've become habituated to; come to see as a mere corollary of imminent examinations, up to the point where it's perfectly normal for me to stay up till 2 (or later) mugging for the day's paper; zombify myself right before; shake myself out of the stupor to take the test; crash right after, and do up my mugging while following the latest happenings in the back-to-back dramas running from 8-9, 9-10, 10-10.30 and 12-1 that my family so loves to watch. It's kinda scary the extent to which it's meshed so neatly into my daily routine.

And yet "passable" isn't quite going to cut it for the A's, now is it? I'll have to find my own way.

On a lighter note; Bio Paper 3 was THE paper; the paper which I've finally managed to fully and truly complete; without leaving any blanks, with all the answers done up to my satisfaction. So, we'll see how it turns out. I'll have to admit, though that I more or less neglected the preparations for it; only started on the Application stuff around 7 or so after waking up from the aftermath of chem, cramming the planning stuff while on the ride to school and entirely ignoring the Core stuff. (The goldfish experiment in the Respiration exemplars was hilarious, really. "Count the number of times the goldfish opens and closes its mouth within a 5 minute period" to determine the rate of respiration lol. Can just imagine some student carrying out the practical and swearing as he loses track of how many times that damn goldfish which swims around the beaker opens and closes its damn mouth. The weighing of the goldfish just smacks of animal abuse; and well, let's just hope that the pilot tests to find optimal temperature range did not end up clogging the drain.)

My left hand actually ached for hours after the paper; as I was more or less writing from start till end; and started spamming the theory for the planning experiment before I was done thinking through the whole thing. Felt a little high afterwards; it becomes ALOT less stressful when you stop treating it completely like a test and instead think of it as a challenge to see how much content you can stuff between those few lines within the stipulated time limit; as well as trying to predict what the marker wants and giving it to them; a little cynically, perhaps; when I got to the risks and precautions for the planning and wrote the stock answers of avoiding injury due to cuts.

After all that I've said, it'll be really embarrassing if I find out that I did really badly. Haha I don't see how people like Yongjin can put themselves on the line, figuratively speaking; by declaring that the paper was simple. Either they don't give a **** of what people think of them or they're supremely confident in their own ability. I fall within neither of those categories; so I'll just stop here ><