As an introspective person (not necessarily an introverted one) I've always looked inwards for an answer whenever I face a problem, perhaps out of a kind of arrogance that doesn't believe or doesn't accept that anyone or anything outside has anything substantial to offer, or maybe out of a recognition of the limitations that someone else on the outside looking in may face. So instead inwards I look, and if the answer really does lie within, then that's good, yet I'm ever realizing that there are some things I'm not equipped to deal with, and that sometimes I deal with them in a manner that's harmful to myself. Sometimes I'm so intent on working out a solution myself that I totally fail to consider what other options and "tools" I may have at my disposal, it's a very myopic way of dealing with things, and a mindset I really have to reorientate.

It's been a strangely trying week, furnished with anticipation to finally be met with disappointment. If I were to use a rather frivolous analogy; which I shall: It's like how upon reading Harry Potter in P1, I'd hold on to the vague-yet-fairly-foolish-hope that on my 10th birthday a half-giant would pop up on a flying motorbike and tell me "You're a wizard, Chris!" or failing that at least of getting a letter from a sentient owl of my acceptance to Hogwarts, only to wake up on the 9th of September, 10 years and a day old to realize that nothing's changed at all. Okay, strike out the fairly, this was totally out there, but I suppose I got the point across in a convoluted way.

So yes, after hearing from a friend that he'd gotten a callup on Thursday, I literally had palpitations for the next few days, conjuring up ludicrous scenarios in which they may have delayed in confirming my acceptance (The first stage of grief is denial afterall) while anxious waiting for a call, getting a near heart attack at a single SMS (thank you friends for leaving me alone, probably saved my life xP) and so it went. I was fairly sure of the outcome by Saturday, got the confirmation that I've been waitlisted today morning, hugely disappointed especially given the amount of preparation I put into it, and my dad's effort too, and I honestly thought I did well in the interview. I've been telling myself though that there's no way of knowing how well others did, and it's not like they owe me a place because I'm oh-so-perfect, army has sadly dispelled all such notions so I guess I moved on to acceptance fairly quickly, though I can't deny the faint shimmering of hope at the slightest possibility, oh naive heart of mine. A childish part of myself is indignant, questioning why it's always so tough for me, why I keep on having to deal with rejection, but I shush it before I let it embarrass myself, I know other people have it worse, and maybe I should just see it as a further test of my resolve and determination, though why I have to be tested so I may not understand. With the shooting exco episode, nus and now this, it's all too easy to draw a semi-compelling narrative, or to draw upon so many other isolated incidents even, to say that I have a predisposition to phail but at least on this occasion I refuse to do so, so press on I shall. Be humble, accept my limitations, learn and move on, that's all I can do really. Prolonged self-pity is pretty pathetic, at least for myself. Kinda reminds me of the flavor text on Rothus the Traveler, my first holographic card in Duel Masters, go google it if you're interested; it's a little melodramatic but seems to have stuck with me unfortunately.

On the positive side, I feel, at least that I emerged from last year's failure as a much more mature person and candidate, a lot more sure of myself and what I want to do, which is why I found my rejection this time particularly disappointing but I'm confident that I can only grow hereon, and for that I'm thankful. My past failures have been pretty barren mothers so far, but I guess it's important to keep things in perspective and that it's not so much the success subsequent to failure but rather the lessons you learn from it that are really important.

Some part of me is miffed that I don't have anyone much to rant to but I guess it's a blessing in disguise to give myself the time and space to mull it over and cool down in a sense, so that's that. I've been pretty negligent in catching up with people as a result, so I do beg forgiveness and a chance.

C'est tout.

New Beginnings

Swallow the bitterness, and move on. The mayfly dream was beautiful while it lasted; gossamer wings flashing in the sunlight.

Heh, it all happened so fast; triggered off by an impossibly inane sequence of events. I won't go so far to say that it's over; and it's good that over the past day or so; I've thought hard - and not to mention fast - about what I want to do, and more importantly, how I'm going to achieve it. Directionality, so to speak. So I'll let it go with a hint of regret; that things couldn't be taken further, that perhaps I didn't work hard enough in the past to warrant its fruition.

The past is over; the present is now, and the future is looming. Now I guess it's time to summon that energy to face it.

That aside, expectations can be pretty harmful at times. Even though you know those expectations can be totally unfounded, utterly groundless; it's in my nature - or human nature even, perhaps - to harbour hope. And y'know, the more you expect, the more you set yourself up for disappointment.

Yet I've got to admit that it's when you harbour those wildly unjustified expectations, and when someone against the odds comes through on them for you; that you feel a giddy sense of excitement, a wordless gratitude. I don't ask this of everyone, most of the time, I don't ask for anything at all. It's only those special few who get that dubious "privilege", and I earnestly hope they ask the same of me as well.

So forgive me if I'm a little callus

Enlightenment.

I think I now know what I've been building myself up to. Steel (Still) the heart, as with each passing day, I allow myself to die a little more inside. I need this, ironically, if I'm to do what needs to be done.

The establishment of a routine to make it all bearable is necessary, so I implore -no, I beg- you to forgive me as I attempt to minimize the extraneous and cut away at some of that precious time in the process. I really feel guilty about it, and yet can already feel myself almost reflexively deadening these feelings, hardening my heart. And I'm totally hating myself for doing it. This conflict, I can only "resolve" by turning away and running, never to look back.

Does it matter who I am, my desires, my aspirations, if I am to kill them all in preparation for this trial?

What did I win, and what did it cost?

I can only pray that at the end of it all, my answer won't be: Far too much for it to ever be worth it.