Went to BTNR with Clarissa today morning. Not a bad trip, we saw a colugo (that's a flying lemur for you ignorant guys out there), a rare find by all accounts, especially since its a nocturnal animal. Also saw a pair of drongos, either mating or competing for territory, not sure which. They flew right over our heads, a little hard to miss, right? Spied some squirrels in the distance, but they were really really tiny, really only a streak in the foliage. A rustling of leaves led us to some lizard (an iguana?) and I terrorized a spiny tortoise into hiding. Saw quite a few cross spiders; what's really cool about them is how they keep their legs in pairs, so they look like a cross. So yeah, I saw this one which seemed to be wrapping some poor prey up in silk, as well as this large, gross one, which I somehow scared out of its web :/

The real pity is that Clarissa's puny digicam couldn't really capture them nicely, so that's kinda sad.

Took a direct bus to yishun after that; slept all the way there XD Trained without my inner vest on as I had difficulty bending my left arm properly; a little too fat, thus the strain was too much. Works for me, I guess, but I still have to work on relaxing my left arm and control it less. The left-right discrepancy is horrible...I paved the way today, so now I've just gotta work on it diligently!

And I realized that I seem to have grown since I got my suit. The proof? Originally, without my inner vest, the suit was a little loose around the shoulders, but now its a perfect fit. Haix, hope I don't outgrow it. (But maybe this explains my weight gain? XD)

I realize that I'm constantly suppressing myself; too many times something happens, and there I am ranting away in my head but in the end I keep these (perfectly valid I must add) to myself, out of a desire to not add more fuel to the fire. But I wonder; in doing so, am I making myself less of a person? In doing so, am I putting myself at a disadvantage?


Whatever it may be, that's the way I do things, for good or for worse. So if you really know me; don't just assume that because I say nothing that I'm perfectly happy, 'kay? XD

Small people in a small world

Been wanting to post for awhile now, but dota's been keeping me occupied. So now that all the rooms're full, there's a little time to spare for this.

THE PROMOS ARE OVER! Surprising elation even though I didn't spend much time preparing for it. Went out with the class after chem to celebrate; lunch, lanning and whatnot. L4D2 is surprisingly engaging.

And so it begins

Predictably, a post about the prelims promos. Not-so-predictability, the putting down of a checklist of sorts:
GP:

1. Personal and style
2. Having a stand
3. Organization of ideas
4. Examples
5. Language and grammar

That's 'bout it for the essay I guess. I'm not too worried 'bout Paper 2 as I seem to do pretty decently with that (I have a foreboding feeling about that statement though argh). I lack much of them, but there's no time, so bleh, just whack it..

I get the feeling I'm going to pay for the past few days (and weeks?) of debauchery but well...the me in the short term doesn't really care. Idk about the me in the future though. Sorry, future me, you're gonna pay for my mistakes, oh yes you will. :D

Shoot the Moon

Taking things surprisingly easy right now. I wonder...

Stuff

Stuff's happened in the past 16 days, I'm now 17, my gun broke down, I rented a Safra gun for the first time, and now, I've got a new one. 709461. Awesome. And well, the general trend's been pretty upward, though that's only if you look at it like in an econs case study. It's been a bumpy ride. Shooting-wise, I'm doing pretty well. Action's starting to solidify and my mental's getting stronger if I do say so myself. Acads-wise...hehe let's just say I'm hoping the promos won't be a total joke.

And...PW. I could write an entire essay, probably more on PW and stuff that I've learnt. Tolerance, how to suck it and well..other things. Wrapping up the WR is no mean task, well we've just got to see how we can manage it.

97 =) a little superficial, perhaps, but it proves i've shattered another wall, another ceiling. Now it's time to go on up.

Expunge the metaphysical aspect. Don't think so much about the "feeling", the "distribution of energy" and other abstract stuff. Nail it down to reality, the 4 core "principles" which coach just keeps on emphasizing. It works! Now to train my will, to be resolute and as hard as steel.

It's intriguing how things can seem so different after a mere 24 hours. Does the upswing really come that fast? Or is it just dependent on this mercurial mood of mine? Who knows.

The same starting point, all those years back.
But now I'm staring at your backs.
And can't help but wonder,
what is it that's been holding me back.
I'd rather it be lack of motivation, lack of drive, than the lack of talent, that I must deny.
And so I train and run, train and chase
To prove that I have, what it takes.
-Me

The beauty the eye beholds; which the camera can but dream of capturing.
Never to be mine alone.

If I were to express all my thoughts here, it'd fill up the whole page. Things're just that messy, just that convoluted, just that diverse. It's complicated. The hopes and aspirations I have with shooting, juxtaposed with the reality of things as they stand right now; the multitude of problems with PW as we've chosen a rocky path, which we find ourselves unable to complete coupled with the issue of directing a group of diverse personalities who aren't fantastic at working together to complete a task which just seems to grow in magnitude with every passing moment. The upcoming promos and the realization that I don't have it in me to push myself to a higher gear to face it in good stead. The inevitable reality that I'll have to cut down on training to start taking hold of my life; its spiraling out of control, headed in a direction I don't think is good at all. The uncertainty in interactions, the wondering, the loneliness, the fear of rejection, the appreciation of reliable friends. The above and more, all mixed into one package, all messed up, interlacing, tugging upon each other and getting hopelessly tangled up in my head. Tough.

Possibly because of this, I find that my emotions've been on a short leash of late. I get frustrated really easily, and despite my efforts to prevent it, it shows, especially at times when I can't afford for it to. I find my mind drifting ever so often to the "dark" side, falling into dark moods, thinking the worst of a situation, getting pissed off. I want control back, dammit!

When the heart's just not in it, don't expect the body to follow.

YOG shooting, truly inspirational. I now aspire to shoot in a finals one day. Wonder whether I'll ever make it >.<

不要明知故犯。If you can feel something wrong, or the 指向 is off from the start; put the gun gun, don't force it into place. 对动作过程的要求要更加严格。Only then will I be able to get the consistency of my actions right and avoid shooting 远弹 and rise to the next level of "existence".

Weiqi-filled day of AWESOME!

I participated in the Super Go Youth Challenge 2010 today and faced roughly 6 hours of unabated weiqi-ness, and yes, I know that's not even a word. I ended up playing 7 rounds, which is roughly 3x the total number of games I had ever played up till today. Entering as a novice in all senses of the words, I'm pretty lucky I didn't get devoured by all the "sharks" out there. I ended up winning 4 rounds out of the 7, which is a pretty commendable achievement if I must say so myself. But besides the scores, I've taken back a lot out of this experience.

During normal trainings, I'm usually very hesitant to place my seeds, as I'm afraid of making the wrong move, and constantly feel the need to check with the coach and the more experienced players as to their validity. This notion was thrown out of my head the moment my first match begins. Facing a ruthless opponent who's only desire is to cut your pieces apart and gobble you whole, you can't help but have more confidence in your moves, and to maintain your composure even when you're having a hard time withstanding the onslaught.

I also learned to maintain my focus. Blunders occur; that's a fact of life. It's what you do after the blunder, whether you're able to recollect yourself after that blunder and gear yourself towards salvaging the solution that determines victory or defeat. This happened to me several times. After making a mistake that cost me a corner, I had to retain my focus and composure and fight to the bitter end, eventually edging out my opponent to win me the game by a small margin. If I had resigned myself earlier, I would definitely not have been able to salvage the game.

Keep your pieces connected. Another important lesson, learned through several painful mistakes. sometimes a false eye just isn't going to cut it, and getting cut at a vital spot due to a moment's oversight can be a really painful experience indeed. In fact, this is what cost me victory in the last round, and my shot at an 8th place medal. So, don't make big moves, don't rush in brashly, and remember to keep those pieces connected. Only then will there be a solid framework to mount an attack from.

Since we were playing on the 13x13 board, the area is much smaller, and thus I realized the importance of capturing and securing the sides before fighting for the center area. However, this perception was violently challenged in my 6th game by a canny opponent who managed to push my lines to the side and capture the center. It was only through a stroke of inspiration that I managed to plant a group in his area that survived, thus giving me enough territory to win, albeit by a relatively small margin. It was a close game that really tested my composure and mental stamina.

Overall, I'm proud of my showing at the competition, since all the other competitors were part of the Singapore Weiqi Association Youth Connection and had significantly more support and experience. Although my first set was messy, I really learned from it and edged to victory in the second after my opponent missed something. I then dominated the flow in the third, only to lose in the fourth after a weak opening coupled with a series of bad decision. The fifth was a desperate scramble for territory which I just barely won, and the sixth was a mentally taxing battle of wits, where my opponent managed to bag some territory for himself and then proceeded to mount an admirable attack on mine. I held firm at the right and managed to take advantage of an oversight on his part to repel the attack, but succumbed to an attack on the bottom left corner, and missed out an attack on my left, thus causing me to lose by 8 moku. A pity, really.

These 7 games gave me lots of experience, and have made me more confident in myself. Though I know I've got a long way to go, I now know that not all players are like Miss Cho, a seemingly unshakable and infallible robot of a player. They make mistakes, just as I do, and if I'm alert, I'm able to capitalize on them to take the game. It's been a fun, fruitful and educational day.


As a side note, I suspect melancholy is creeping up on me. I don't know whether it's the loneliness, or the sense of disconnect and distance between myself and those around me, Should I ignore it? Perhaps it'll go away

PW's cropping up, and it seems like things're in shambles. Vague concepts which I can barely grasp, which Mr Koh keep talking about, just confuse me, and drive me further into desperation. It is at these times I see what kind of person I am, and oh my, I don't like myself one bit. When faced with adversity, the fight-or-flight response is only natural. Thus when driven into a corner, when the latter is taken out of the equation, taking up the former might seem to be intuitive to most. I am not one of them. I have come to realize that when driven into a corner, I try to fight. I try, but not with my best efforts. After that feeble effort, I just turn inwards, ignoring the source of adversity to the best of my ability. This disgusts me, but I don't really know what I can do about it. Fight?

Shooting posture's changed slightly, now I've gotta stand with my legs spread wider, and draw back my hip more. I can't really find where my elbow's supposed to go that well as of yet, and that's been giving me some trouble. But I realized that I don't have to get the location exactly right, just about there's good enough. If the alignment's off, just put the gun down and do it all over again. Patience's the operative word here xD. 3 phases after raising the gun: adjusting elbow positioning and basic body stability, then the phase before the cheek down action, where I put my cheek on the rest but don't go down fully. Feel that my left arm is straight and relaxed, and that my right shoulder's relaxed too. General feeling of body stability should be present too. After that, cheek down fully, while making sure that that feeling is unaffected, and that energy distribution isn't disturbed. Check alignment. Re-do if it's off. Just concentrate on that feeling and the awareness of the "energy" as I trigger.

And everything just goes round and round, round and round, up and down, up and down
And I can't help but wonder
Has anything really changed? 

Flying Blind

Sick, confused and feeling shitty. Not the best ingredients for a happy meal out there. But I'll make do.

Every step forward in shooting comes with great amounts of effort; I'm starting to feel the pain building up in my wrist, the dull ache in the small of my back, and the occasional muscle spasms in my left arm. And yet I persist. It makes me wonder, why do I do so? and I really have no answer.

And of life in general, what am I doing? What do I want? Such simple questions which I cant even begin to answer. 

So many things impinging upon my happy zone, work, shooting, people, miscellaneous stuff, and they really make me question, make me wonder: Is happiness a state of mind, or just a feeling? I've always believed in the former, but these things are making it really hard to do so. These things tug inexorably upon my heartstrings, and no matter how hard I try to divorce them, it's an uphill task.

And we set out with so much conviction,
the flame burning brightly in our eyes.
But the print're barely cold,
the journey's barely begun,
And doubt's clouded our vision,
the flame's reduced to embers,
Is this all we had within us?

It's getting better =D all I've got to do is just relax and focus on my body.

My shooting's been off lately. Just can't get into that correct frame of mind of late, and my actions are getting pretty wild. I think I'm starting to lose my "happy medium" in life, and that just encroaches on me, in a bad way. Can't just leave things at this of course. I'll have to find some way to return to the basics somehow, and firm up those fundamentals. Haix.

It's a lonely road to walk, this road of life. And just when I thought I'd reached my destination, or at least a rest stop, I find that it's nothing but an illusion. The search for understanding goes on. and on and on. Life.

Can't really remember what I did today. Chinese LC went ok I think, then the sports injury forum, which was really nothing much. Fun Fact: Doing static stretches before exercise actually increases your chance of getting an injury. Go figure. Stretching elongates your muscles while exercise gets them to contract. Apparently this is quite bad for them, increases chance of tearing and so on.
Shooting was good I think. My 基本功's a little bad so I couldn't get my elbow position right and my 指向 too. Sigh. 1 change to my action: Coach told me to lift it using my fist directly from the table without using my palm first then shifting to the clenched fist. Helps my consistency, really, though the bending down's more than a little uncomfortable. I want a tripod soon >.<

"There may be a thousand bad things you know about a person, but just one thing you don't know about them may change your opinion totally." -Some saying

It explains my cognitive process perfectly, really. It torments me at times, but I still stand by it.

People change. Circumstances change. We will face losses in life. Accept it. Accept these immutable truths and move on. Life has its ups too. We don't only lose, we also gain. All it takes is a slight change in one's psyche in order to gain a more...uplifting perspective of this existence, so why not give it a shot?

Ok, monologue over. Today's training was ok, though I had to press coach to get him to allow me to train with my arm as it is :/ I really think I'm using a "cheat code" of sorts. No matter how messed up my stuff is, as long as I manage that relaxation of my arm and shoulder, keeping the amount of energy used constant, I don't shoot too badly. I can't leave things at this though. If I wish to enter the dimension of 10s, to reach the very top, I'll have to be more demanding of myself, my actions and my gun. Push on!

Have you ever felt these moments where the face of someone you know momentarily seems completely different? Like a whole other person, really.

Stayed back in school to do my Chem tutorial today, I decided to give my arm a break (not literally of course) and take the chance to do a little of my work. I'll train tomorrow, I swear.

*Doing things with little thought or concern about the consequences. I wonder how it'll turn out? Might be interesting to behold xP*

Heh, I just screwed up my phone in a moment of rashness and impulsiveness. Contacts list is still pretty empty, so any smses with contact details + name would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

It's good in a way to leave behind all those "memories" I had stored in that little phone memory storage. Part of the general direction I suppose.

Yup, stitches. In what has got to be the most epicly fail moment in this short period of time on this planet, my shower door shattered, showering my mum, my brother and myself in a cascade of a thousand glittering shards of death. 
Here's the story:
My bro was bathing when the door fell out, so he called us up to go help him with it. So we did. Turns out it was broken, so in a perhaps misguided bid to fix it, my mum got us to help to hold it up as she tried to put it together. As things would have it, the door is evidently not shatter-proof, nor does it seem like it can withstand a little flexing, cause as we were holding it, without much ado, it promptly shattered. Just like that, I swear. I was looking right at it when it happened. The sides just seemed to cave in as it imploded, the whole surface shattering and hanging there in the air for a moment before crashing down in this magnificent cascade of glittering shards. A waterfall of glass that just brushed past me. I didn't even feel any pain, actually. It was too fast for that. We were just absolutely shocked. Then I saw the blood dripping from my brother's arm. Drip drip drip. Dripping onto the glass bits on the floor, staining them this bloody red colour. It looked just like blood red rubies laying on the toilet floor. That was what struck me the most about that moment, actually. The slow dripping of his blood onto the glass.

Well, after much trouble and panicking on the part of my mother, we finally managed to extricate ourselves from that mess - not easy, believe me - and navigated our way through that minefield of glass laying on the floor. Turns out it was so forceful that pieces even flew across the master bedroom OTL On hindsight, we were really quite lucky we didn't sustain worse injuries, only some minor cuts and one that needed the stitches in the video above.

Now, onto the stitches. I actually told my father: "No way you're coming near me with a needle" but eventually succumbed. It's not bad, since they do do it under local anesthesia and it was administered sub-subcutaneously, thus there wasn't much sensation from the needle being inserted. What did hurt was my skin swelling up as the anesthesia accumulated under it. After that, there was this strange loss of sensation in my left arm, as the anesthesia took effect. I was oddly detached from my arm, and actually stared at my arm as the needle was poked through it, and it hooked the other side of the wound and came out again. Strangely fascinating and alluring. All I could feel was this feeling of something going through my skin, nothing else besides that. It's my first time getting stitches, not to mention in a spot I could stare at so easily, so I guess you can forgive my "obsession"

Yup, that's it.

As for training today, we shot 体会 after dry firing for awhile, and it was pretty crappy since I just couldn't get my 指向 just right, due to the angle of the gun and so on. But despite that, I still manage to do the whole relaxation upon the moment  I 扣扳机  which is probably why I can shoot decently right now. After the 体会, we moved on to 单发, the first time I've done that for rifle. I shot out a 92, which isn't that good IMO, but not too bad a starting point to work from. Well, hopefully my stitches don't impede my training and I can do even better next time!

Eye-opening experiences, and I think I've jumped out of yet another well once again.
I used to think that doctor lawyer architect engineer were about the only career options to choose from, but scholarship day really opened up my eyes to so much more. It has showed me that things don't have to be so rigid, that your uni degree doesn't have to be in anything as specific as those mentioned above. In fact, even if you take a degree in something general like sciences its still possible to go to so many different  agencies to work. Scholarship day has also opened me up to the possibility of working in the public sector. I used to be very close-minded about this, and was quite firm in my belief that I didn't, wouldn't, just couldn't take up a scholarship with a bond at the end of it, felt that it would be stifling, that an 18 year old just had no place making a decision that would change at least the next 8 years or so of his life. Well, now I know that things aren't as rigid as they originally seemed. They're pretty flexible, really. If after working for 2 years or so in XY department you feel that its not suited to you, or you just grow plain bored of working there, it's entirely possible to request to be transferred to another department without having to go through all the hassle of resigning and looking for employment elsewhere. Additionally, I don't think I've ever been the type of guy who's utterly obsessed with money above everything else, though more is always better, of course. I wouldn't mind serving this country in that capacity, and after talking to the people tending all those booths, it seems to me that the working environment is pretty fine, s'long as you're passionate about what you're doing, of course.

A;though I said everything above, and though I'm quite glad that several of my misconceptions regarding work in the public sector have been cleared up, I am aware that things may have been sugar-coated. I mean, its a presentation to potential scholarship applicants for crying out loud. They want as many applicants as possible, and thus would want to present as good an image to them, in order to attract them to their respective departments. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but just keep in mind that they may not have presented the full view of things =)

Went to survey condos at Bukit Timah with Clarissa after that for PW. After having some initial trouble locating the bus stop which was near Marymount (it's not my fault that streetdirectory.com made it look sooo close to Marymount station ok...) and missing our stop, we eventually got to Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. After lunch, and photocopying our surveys, we then immediately got into action. Nah, just kidding. We spent the next 10 mins or so just stapling those freaking surveys together. And at the end, there was one missing sheet, which actually foreshadowed what was to come (I'll talk more about that later)

AFTER that, we took the bus down to Hillview. We finally got there after missing our stop YET again, a very simple yet crucial question occurred to us: "Now what?" Just how could we get in past the security checkpoint at the entrance of the condo? Then a brilliant idea occurred to me *lightbulb!* to just walk past it like nobody's business. It worked, too XD The guard just sat there doing nothing as we walked in. Infiltration complete >.< However, once we were in, we were kinda shocked that we had actually managed it, and were totally at a loss as to what to do. Had we broken the law? Had we just committed a criminal offence? Were we now one of those trespassers who would be persecuted? I had no idea. Though the idea of simply ambushing residents and asking them to assist us in our project was extremely appealing, as I did not intend to get into jail at such a tender age, we eventually decided to roam around randomly looking for the management office. Perhaps THEY could assist us in this little misadventure. Then came the next hurdle in our quest for glory - management only opens for half the day on weekends !@#$@# So...after realizing we'd come all this way, even sneaked our way into this condo just in order to see management, only to have them closed because of this thing which we hadn't even considered, we were pretty eff-ed up, no? After much raging and subsequent deliberation, we decided to just leave a letter we had prepared to them asking for permission to conduct our survey there. Quite predictably, this had to screw up too. Remember that missing sheet of paper? Apparently, it was in Clarissa's yellow file, which she had coincidentally, just co-in-ci-dentally, left at the photocopying shop at Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. This file just happened to contain all her PW stuff, including the letter we had intended to submit. F-M-L. Awesome. They say that true human ingenuity only comes out in troubling times, and so was the case in this time. Faced with these multiple hurdles, with apparently no way to overcome them, we decided to change our plan, and just obtain the mailing address of the management office, so we could send the request letter in to them. We then left the condo, and spent the better part of an hour trekking up and down and around the nature reserve visiting the various condos we had marked out, just in order to obtain their addresses so we could  send letters to them. I can't imagine how ridiculous the whole situation was XD There we were, walking straight up to a condo, and just plain telling the security guards we wanted to write a letter to its management, so could they please give us their address. WHEN WE WERE JUST IN FRONT OF THE THING. GRR. Really retarded >.< We couldn't have planned it any worse, really. Well, all said, the walk was quite enjoyable. The gentle breeze, the cool freshness of the air - except from the exhaust fumes from the cars on the road of course - , the peaceful chirping of the random critters in the area, and the sheer abundance of the greenery, which was really pleasing to the eye. I even spotted this kite/eagle/something standing on a tree, which was pretty cool, at least IMO.

At the end of it, we went back to the shopping centre, retrieved the file from the photocopying shop and just stoned at Mac's for awhile, talking about some retarded stuff before going home. The perfect end to a perfectly retarded yet strangely fun (for me) day.

As you can see, I'm still working on my narrating ability, so cut me some slack here, k?

"Special" training today by coach. Woohoo! It's all good.

It's just not right, for me to be this happy. Is letting go really helpful? Or is the other shoe just waiting till the time is ripe before it drops? I really don't know.

AABBBS I can't say I'm happy, but I'm not too dissatisfied with the way things turned out. Now to push on till next year!

I...will be AWESOME. There's this sense of movement, of progression about training now, and I just love it. It spurs me to give more, to put it more, and actually seeing that effort bear fruit, just further spurs me on. I'll train and train and train, just for this sense of satisfaction, just to be able to get better and better and better. Shaofei and me promised coach today that we wouldn't stop training till the comp next year. And we're gonna train more too ^^

A happier person at 21. Seems pretty achievable to me. Life's good.

I failed econs. boohoohoo. I'll have to work more on it I guess? Lectures are stepping up a notch, so I'd better do more OOC prac if I want to catch up.

Fitness management. 40x bicep exercises on each arm x5 sets. I had to force myself to finish each set, and I also stepped down the weight with each set when I realized I couldn't handle it, but I managed it somehow. The feeling of achievement is really quite fulfilling, and maybe a little addictive too XD

Training today was awesome. Although I'm having some problems with getting my alignment right at the start of each training, it's pretty okay once I get it settled down. And I'm gradually getting more and more familiar with the feeling of my left arm and my right arm being relaxed the moment I fire, and it's getting really comfortable to do so. It's like: Check placing of rifle butt at shoulder, elbow down firmly, settle down, cheek down, enjoy the feeling of stability and of my body being relaxed, move down a little so the sights overlap the target, continue feeling that feeling, and pull the trigger. Follow through. Every training, I feel myself getting better, I see my grouping getting a little smaller, my misfires get a little closer to my main grouping, my action gets more and more consistent, and there's so much more room for improvement! I really can't describe exactly how good that feeling is, and how hooked I am to shooting now.

On a more serious note, I happened to talk to Sarena's mother today. She's gonna be the reserve shooter for the YOG, which is a pretty commendable achievement in and as of itself, but now she's only training 1x per week, and she may stop training soon. Apparently, her mother always wanted her to be the reserve since training as the YOG athlete is gonna be very time-consuming, and she'll have to stay at the Olympic village for 2 weeks in August, right before the prelims. It's completely understandable, and brings me back to the stark reality that shooting is and will remain secondary to academics, no two ways about it. The A's are that important. Well, my decision is to enjoy it as much as I can now, and to shore up as much training as I can, so that even if I have to stop as the A's get ever so closer, I'll be able to pick up where I left off after that. But for now, I'll just relish the time I have, and make the most of it. Let's all do that, yeah? =)

Messed up, too many technical terms for me to handle. *Sighs*

Class outing after that was awesome! "Despicable Me" is a great show, with cute...yellow things and a touching storyline. It's a little cliched, though, but since I'm not a movie critic, that's no reason to not enjoy the show XD Full of laughs, cuteness and a heartwarming change in the "villain" turned hero, it's the perfect family/friends/whatever movie.

After the movie, we spent a retarded amount of time deciding where to eat, and whether getting a take-away from Carl's Junior, thus not getting free-flow drinks was worth it or not >.< Still got dinner there in the end though, haha.

All the random talking, and Monopoly Deal was great. Only downside was getting chased out from our little  cubbyhole under the travellator, and said cubbyhole having a "height-limit" of sorts.

Fun ~

I'm not in the correct frame of mind to pen down my other thoughts, so I'll just leave it at that. 就此停笔 XD

Gahr, giant platter of rice and 烧肉 for lunch :X I'm gonna get fat(ter)

口试 today, wish me luck!

Watching and waiting, watching and waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

But nothing's gonna change, 'less I do something about it.

Be the change.

mooo~

Some people may think you look like a cow but that's fine, yeah? It doesn't matter what other people think, you're still the one for me. Let's do some awesome together!!

On a more serious note, I'm still in the process of getting used to the suit, and according to coach, it also takes awhile to "break it in" cause atm, I still haven't got the perfect place to put my elbow, so my 指向's a little messed up for now. I've got to get it down to make things ALOT more consistent. Also got some problems with the "cheek down" process, since the angle for my neck is a little awkward. I'll have to work on that. I have to focus on 击发时力量保持 cause I find that sometimes my left hand is using some strength to control the gun, which results in it jerking the moment I fire. So during my 准备动作 I have to get the feeling of relaxing both my left arm and right shoulder and make sure this feeling is carried through all the way from cheek-ing down to pulling the trigger to following through.

Alot to work on, which is why I love doing this :P

Let's do it, cow suit!

Verdana, awesome.

The Chris is rotting rotting rotting rotting rotting. Has he rotted yet? Grah I haven't done anything today. rahhr I did absolutely nothing today. i hatehatehate myself but i also know i'll do absolutely nothing about it, so i hate myself even more... Have to get rid of this freaking inertia somehow before i'm gg'ed.

Some things are best left unsaid

Watch it.
Things given easily when they aren't deserved can come back to bite you in the @55.
Choose wisely, make those distinctions clear; before you do something you'll regret

The Game of Pretense.Donning masks, staring at masks, trying to see past masks, guessing at what lies beneath, don't you ever get sick of it? Well I do, thus I throw up the thickest of them all, then maybe the face beneath may never need to see the light of day, face a masked and gloomy world.

I mentioned a routine earlier I think, well I just realized it's pretty impractical and I've never been one for schedules and similar stuff either, so to just list out a simple plan that hopefully, I'll be able to follow.

In the absence of PW, other work and/or some random programs, I'll train everyday except Tuesday and maybe Sunday. (Really impractical plan, but I'll try it out for these 2 weeks and see whether it plays out well)

Weiqi & Gomoku on Tuesday.

Work, random chatting and whatnot can just be slotted in whenever waiting for details is necessary. I don't really care.

It's been a fine day.

My Chem results were singularly unimpressive, though I guess I should be content with them seeing how the rest performed. I'll do better in the promos! It's really amazing how I managed to lose 26% of the marks so easily just like that. Gah.

Contrary to what yi ling said earlier, the suits arrived today!!!! I feel stupid for being so worried about nothing back then XD Mine's white with black patches, which purportedly looks either like a panda or a cow. Not very flattering images D: Looks aside, I'm overjoyed to finally get my own suit and be able to train fully suited. It makes a hell of a difference in terms of stability, grouping and ability to consistently carry out the action. It's just the beginning though. From today's training, I realized the enormity of the task I've set for myself. Once I shot with the suit on, I fully comprehended the "gap" between myself and the "pros" and realize that I'll have to pile up alot more work, alot more effort and alot more juice into training before I can even think about rubbing shoulders with them. I'm not satisfied with today's results; in fact, they don't matter at all hehx. Coach really enlightened me this time. When I asked him: 这个grouping还可以吗？ His reply was: 到你能60发都打到十才算还可以。So that's my final aim, though of course for now, I'll be focusing on the "basics":

*Always ensure that both left and right, top and down 指向 are adjusted correctly. Re-check this every 1/2 an hour as variations in the action might occur.

1. Make sure that lower body is stable
2. Put the shoulder butt against the same spot on my shoulder
3. When elbow down, make sure my arm is firm against my hip and that it is straight
4. Relax my right shoulder and left arm as I settle my upper half down
5. Contact my cheek with the cheek rest, look at the rear sight for awhile as I feel my body's stability
6. Cheek down fully, bringing this sense of stability with me into the shot
7. Move the gun down the short distance to overlap the sights with the target
8. Fire at will. At moment of firing, right shoulder is relaxed, left arm is relaxed - not exerting force
9. Follow through

Follow the whole sequence faithfully, and DON'T rush it. 

My takeaway from today is to do the actions faithfully,  to re-do from the start if there are any mistakes, and that having a suit totally rocks!

I'm going to step on the gas now, and improve improve improve!!!

Dare I say it? ok, I do. This first day of Term 3's been pretty darn good.

"Fitness Management" isn't bad at all as of now. 10 mins on the elliptical machine, abs and arm exercises on a gym ball topped off with reps on a weights machine. Apparently, I can pull 150 kg at max. I have no idea whether I was doing it the right way or not, but still, pretty surprising no? I <3 the elliptical machine; it's so much more comfortable to use than a treadmill especially since there isn't as much impact on your knees, which is a concern with me.

PW seems to be moving now, and our survey and interview questions have been approved! We're gonna try to churn out Chap 1 this week, and get the surveys done next week I guess. Drawing "inspiration" from last year's reports seems to be a pretty good idea now.

Our Civics elective is...*cue trumpets* Interview Skillz *cue dissonance as trumpets crash upon the floor* It's a bunch of contrived *beep* that is sadly enough, applicable in "the real world" Our whole elective involved dictation by the facil as we filled in the blanks. Hopefully, it'll get more interesting down the road (I highly doubt it though)

Weiqi was...fun. The problems I've attempted to solve have been pretty formulaic and thus not too challenging. The only pity is that since I'm always late for it cause of Chinese, almost everyone is involved in their games already and I rarely get the opportunity to play a game. Working on the theory aspect is pretty fun in and of itself, but without playing many full games, there are some gaps in my comprehension of the game and I don't have much experience with game situations. Dunno how I can rectify this but it's k =)
I also feel I'm getting abit closer to our members. Since I joined late, it's been slightly awkward for me all along but that initial awkwardness is starting to disappear, which is a good sign! I think I'll be able to enjoy being in it, though it's a different kind of fun XD

I really think I'm starting to get this "socialising" thing. And I'm going to sound like a loser when I say this but I don't really care now. Just meet people, talk, have fun, say hi when you run into them around school and yeah...don't expect anything meaningful to come out of it, but if it does, hey, it's an added bonus. Rejoice! I'm not too sure how "right" I am about this, so I'm still looking at it, but that's what I have for now.
One thing that bugs me about this is: Looking at it that way, What's sacred? What's special? What is it that makes the bond between certain people unique in such a "superficial" seeming form of interaction? I'm confused. Or perhaps, the answer is simply: Nothing. But that's one answer I will NEVER accept.

P.S. just heard from yiling that the delivery of the suits are postponed to August. I cannot articulate my disappointment, nor would it be seemingly of myself to put down the dark thoughts that entered my head when ruminating upon it. just saying. Looks like I'll have to re-adjust my mindset once again, quite severely, I may add, in order to accommodate training with a half-suit once again. I can only hope that when the suits finally come and I'm able to get up to standard, the difference brought about by the handicap of not having a full suit while the others do will not be so glaringly obvious that I am severely disadvantaged in terms of getting a gun.

Carelessness is the best feeling. But it's not something that can last, nor should it.

I can't remember the last time I was devoid of cares, nothing to worry about, not a single dark cloud marring the beauty of my skies. I yearn for that sometimes, but then again, an overcast sky does have a certain beauty to it, doesn't it?

Had JTS today, nothing much to say about it. We ate at Newyorknewyork -and no, I have no idea how it's supposed to be capitalized- talked about random stuff, with the usual digs at Yulin and his height (or lack thereof) and had fun I guess. ohhh yeah, I saw that monster burger first hand. The Giant Yankee Burger is really just an oversized burger, with a THICK beef patty that's grilled really nicely (it has some crispy bits too!) and some lettuce, tomatoes and sauce. It arrives on a platter with a "bed" of fries and the whole thing looks really innocent and finishable, really. Thing is, as you start digging into that first quarter of the burger, and a while after that as you're almost done with it, and stare at all the fries, you start to realize that it's going to be an impossible task, that you're destined for failure. Luckily, I shared it with Yulin and Yiming instead :P


That's all.

Happiness, that formless illusion, dangling ever so tantalizingly just out of reach. So many chase it, but how many actually understand its true nature?

How much more must be lost, be sacrificed, before we realize that the "happiness" we crave is but an empty shell, hollow and unfulfilling 

Cause we don't obtain happiness, we attain it. A state of being, a state of mind wherein a sense of fulfillment stands at the fore.

alot easier said than done, when we get down to it

Slowly, slowly, slowly, coming to accept the fact that people sometimes don't tell the whole truth; and that they're not obliged to.

Slack. Story of my day told in a single word. Awesome.

Gotta find something to do before the inertia accumulates too much. sianz

Cousins came over to watch a WC semis match. It was totally worth their while! Epic play by Germany but a not so good one on the part of Argentina.

No laughter without tears,
No ups without downs,
No success without failure.

For without a counterpoint to the highs, what would there be to be happy about when we actually get there?

Moving on

Just as ^ says. Though it probably doesn't seem like it, I'm been more or less pre-occupied with the CTs for the past 2 weeks. So it pretty much begs the question: what next?

Do I continue life as I did before the CTs, pretty much just drifting here and there, without any concrete purpose in mind or should I at least attempt to do something meaningful instead? From the biased wording, I guess I'll have to give the latter a shot.

The problem's that without something immediate - like the right-in-your-face - kind of immediate, everything gets vague and hazy. The planning horizon is way too far off so I'm really afraid that I'll just end up doing nothing again.

So, a short list of really general and simple objectives (in no particular order):

1. Train consistently
2. Keep up the momentum of doing work
3. PW
4. Fix my head (The open-heart operation today didn't really help)
5. Enjoy life
6. Get some sort of routine going
7. Fitness

Really let go of myself today after Chinese XD And it was a total waste of time too. Well, it was nice to just do jack after this admittedly stressful week.

But it's time to move on, in all senses of the word.

Who can see the wind? Neither you nor I.

But when the leaves are rustling, the wind is passing by.

Who can see the wind? Neither you nor I,

But when the trees bow down their heads the wind is passing by.

The winds of change are upon us.

Bio was so...unfulfilling. I won't say that I aced it, not by a longshot, but the thing is the questions just didn't seem to "do justice" to the amount of effort put into mugging. It left me feeling cheated and a little like a retard. But if that's how the exam format's gonna be - mostly application questions - then I guess I'd better start getting used to it and study smarter next time.

Today, I had my first taste of sheer and utter opulence at a classmate's house. It's practically a mansion or something. Greek statues set in bronze and assorted vases only added to the resplendence. Words cannot express my awe when I first saw it. It was my first time actually singing karaoke too, though I'm afraid my vocal abilities are sub-par at best. The rest were really nice about it though, so I just kept singing XD

A great day of fun to end off 4 days of hard mugging. I believe I really stretched myself these few days, and the group mugging helped out loads too. I'd like to believe I also firmed up a couple of friendships which have been dangling slightly of late, so that's good too. I know it's a pretty mercenary way to talk about it, but there it is.

This little story's unfolding pretty much like I expected it to, but who knows? Unlike stories, there are no "The End"s in life. It just keeps developing, just keeps growing.

It's not the what, where, when, why and how that matter. It's the "who" that makes a whole world of difference.

Chinese tomorrow. I can't care anymore.

Bio is just awesome. I now think that even if my results are bad, I won't regret taking it. The ever-growing sense of fascination at how the processes and well, everything links together, both at the micro and macro levels as we delve ever deeper into the study of it is something amazing for me. Though the sheer scope scares me as tests approach, and the relevance of the subject never really strikes me, its fun to learn about it, so yup, no regrets.

*Though I guess it'd be pretty interesting to compare my sentiments after I get the results back with my current sentiments. Just one of the perks of putting them down here!

Well, my head's absolutely empty after that nap, quite a rarity these days. Gonna start mugging after a shower to wash the last tendrils of sleep out of my brain.

Blank. Sooo nice.

Second thought after I woke up? I'm screwed. First thought? not gonna say :P

Whiteness. Emptiness. Bio. Let it be so.

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/stories/s2889773.htm

Higher education does not equal happiness. I lol'ed at this, really. Is it a big surprise?

Nothing is final, nothing is definitive, nothing holds true in all cases. Change is the only constant

I was thinking. Idly. And wondering just what is it that I want, and just what kind of person I am. And where has all this introspection gotten me? Absolutely nowhere. Now I realize that perhaps my aim was mistaken. What I was looking for was a single sentence; at most a paragraph, which would neatly encompass everything. I never once stopped to consider the sheer impossibility of that. Thinking about it, though it's kinda embarrassing to admit it, I might kinda have been influenced subtly by the manga I've been reading. No matter how complex the personalities of the characters are, there's more or less this ideology or something central to their actions and motivations. Though I know enough to separate fiction from reality, this perhaps influenced me into thinking that it was necessary to have something as definitive as that as a moral compass of sorts. Being unable to articulate it made me feel lost, and confused about everything

So. Realizing the improbability of coming up with such a statement, and realizing that even if I were able to say something like that, it'd probably not be representative of the whole picture, not to mention the fact that it would be completely useless to do so, I've decided to cease the search. Everything is always in a state of flux. Therefore, I see no reason or logic to further attempts to hold myself to such statements which I've made to myself at the cost of much "suffering".


Well, all that aside, today was pretty fine. I'm confident I did ok for Chem, though the paper was more challenging  than I had expected. Perfectly manageable on all counts though.(Hopefully my marks won't show otherwise hehehe) Woah, we're 2/5 through the CTs already. It flies by so fast such that it makes all the worry about it seem silly. I'm still gonna do my best for the remaining 3 though.

Messed up econs, got my retainers. Hopefully I won't be retained next year (sorry for the bad pun, my heart's just not in it atm) I speak weird now; can't really form some words properly since my tongue keeps hitting that plastic piece. Maybe I'll call it a lisp.

I was suddenly reminded of what my form teacher wrote on my PSLE cert ages ago to encourage me: 一份耕耘, 一份收获
Pretty simple principle, no? But it's pretty much the reason why I'm where I am today. And not in the good sense. I've known since way back then the value of hard work, but due to laziness and perhaps misdirection, I chose not to do it and it resulted in what I have now. Not that I'm completely dissatisfied with myself, but in retrospect, looking at all the wasted opportunities makes me want to give myself a big kick in the behind. Luckily that's physically impossible (im saved...) Jokes aside, here's my official resolve to put in the work, to hopefully, minimize any regrets I may have in the future. I'll do it.

So many things bottled up inside, and I realize once again that I'll have to resolve them myself. It's not a depressing feeling, just one of resignation. I have friends, and I have fun being with them, but these just aren't things I can share. This is probably nothing new to many people, but I don't really care about that fact, so there.

Chem tomorrow. Hope it goes fine.

FINAL WORDS

Thought I'd better do a normal post, so here goes:

The hols've been swell, new discoveries, new activities, I've done things I've never thought I'd ever do and really had alot of fun. Now's the time to face the music. Maybe as my friend's always been telling me, I should have focused on acads and whatnot, but well, I made this choice, so whatever comes, I'll just hafta take it in stride and just do better next time.

Weifeng, sorry, but this won't be the best effort I could've put into this, but then again, when do we ever? The opportunity costs just aren't worth it to me.

So, econs, I'll see you in 12 hours time, and before that meeting, I'll be doing all that I can to arm myself to live through our encounter, so just wait for me, you hear me?

See ya

I don't mind exams. Despite the fact that they're meaningless and that tested content will have little and/or limited use in our future careers, I see why they're necessary and thus bear with them. They're a necessary evil, just like so many other things we bear in this world. But I still don't like studying for them. Sadly I'm not the kind of person who's "enlightened" enough to see through the system and courageously break free of it, so I guess I'll have to continue living within it, working within it, and bearing all the resultant necessary and even unnecessary evils that it's inundated with.

To that end, a slight adjustment in my mindset would seem appropriate. Here goes: Studying for tests is laying the foundations for my future. It is only by studying hard that I'll be able to get into a good uni, which will get me a good career path and a good life. Thus studying should be my topmost priority and take precedence over all that I love and enjoy to do.

Blah. I don't normally believe in self-deception but if you can actually convince yourself that it's true, and it does make life easier for yourself, then why not, right? The crucial part lies in actually convincing yourself, though.

Till the lie becomes reality -Eyeshield 21

Cause you've turned my world upside-down. What's up, down, left or right? I don't know anymore.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all

An interesting article I stumbled upon thanks to Cracked, and it really made me think.

To acknowledge your weakness and change your strategy, to up your game through sheer effort, simple secrets to David's win over Goliath. Relentless effort overcomes ability.

It's said that it takes 10,000 hours to get really good at something. Quite daunting, I'd imagine. But look at it another way: Every minute you spend on something, every ounce of dedication and spirit you throw into it; brings you that much closer to your goal. And it all adds up.

My path is open, my road lies clear before me. Now all that remains to be seen is whether I have the strength of spirit, resilience of soul and the passion necessary to walk it to completion. I'll see you there

Argh. Totally lost control today. Can't believe I did almost nothing today after all the work I've put in this past week. Haix, guess I'll just have to step on the gas the next 2 days. But man, that 3 hour midday nap sure was great. I've been feeling sick of late, so that nap really invigorated me.

Since it seems like I can't study well with this computer in front of me, and I don't really feel like leaving the house tomorrow, I guess I'll just have to banish myself to my room in order to get some actual work done *shudders*

ToTD: Somehow, I just can't seem to get thoughts of it out of my head. It's making me realize how bad I am at letting go, and perhaps what a small, and petty person I am. I don't like it, but despite my attempts to shake it out of my head, it's never far from my thoughts, and it comes rushing back the moment I find myself with a moment to myself. Sheesh

Drifting; I live, but like a ghost, leave no marks, no affirmation of my existence upon this world. Well, that's how I feel at least, and I'd love to make an impact somehow, just like a number of people have left an indelible mark upon my life.

One more thing, I just realized today that my blog title could be mistakenly interpreted as the blog title of a trigger-happy homicidal maniac. It was not meant to be so, so just FYI in case you misunderstood. 

Hmm...actually, I'm starting to like that particular interpretation more and more, so scratch that =)
There's a certain simplicity to that solution which really appeals to me; even more so in this complicated world. Just like how the Gordian Knot, unsolved for ages was unraveled by the swing of a sword, mayhaps the many conundrums which I face could be resolved with the pull of a trigger. I can do naught but dream. If only RL were so simple...

UPSB v4's out. Awesome. http://forum.upsb.info/member.php?u=268 That's me. It's a little empty and I may not bother filling it out, but it's mine.

Ahem. Anyway, I went mugging with Sing Yee today.  No, we didn't mug people, we went to mug for the looming CTs. We had breakfast at Mac's where I treated him to that $2.50 meal as an early birthday present. I'm such a cheap skate, I know. Well, that's one present settled >.<

Decided to cut it short, so here goes: Mugged math in the library till we kind of stagnated + the librarians were being anal about stuff, so we moved over to Sing Yee's house; a mere 2 mins away from the MRT *cue envy*

I love his house. The neat order of things, the way everything seems to blend perfectly with each other, the thought put into the way things are - ergo things which my humble abode has a total lack of. His room's pretty cool too, and guigui is awesome. I shall now rein in my envy. *Done*

Maths was a pain, and it was a headache to go through the question only to realise that our answer was wrong and having to go back and forth looking for the mistake. Tedious ttm... Well, we sloughed through it together and managed to barrel our way through from P&C to Normal distribution, which is anything but normal. Now I just gotta wrap up with the first two chaps and sampling techniques and pray I do well.

 I'm going to sound like a deprived kid again, but studying with friends is so much fun!!! Tbh, it's the first time I've gone to his house in the 4 years I've known him, and it's also the first time I've ever studied at a friend's house. Though we DID get pretty distracted at times and there were admittedly lengthy moments when we were brain-dead and just zoned out, having a friend there really helps in figuring things out and strengthening your understanding of the topic, through discussing, and consulting each other. It's helpful AND fun =) And of course, the best thing is having the option of breaks to do fun and totally random stuff (they're not usually mutually exclusive ya know) which actually helps you to last longer. Case in point, we managed to keep at it until 9+, way past the original time I'd decided to go back XD

Strangely, it seems like the past few days of mugging have pretty much more fun that the rest of the hols. weird, huh?

Anyway, one bad thing bout me is that I can't, I repeat, I CANNOT study at home. The moment I got home, I just turned on the com and started messing around on the net...

Time left: 2.5 days
Progress: 1.5 more chapters of Bio left, 3 chapters of Math, ALL of Econs. Hope I can make it in time.

ToTD: Dark Chris has been taking the backseat lately, what with the rush to mug and all. Hope he won't come back full force after I'm through with this. Can't say I've been exactly happy the past few days but they've been kinder to me than most :) Life still seems to be missing some crucial part though, and this emptiness gnaws at me. Well, don't think it'll be filled anytime soon so I'd best learn to get all buddy-buddy with it
P.S. NO, I AM NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC. kthxbai

Just got back. Wheew

Eventful day. Chinese orals at 10.30 but I got to school at 8.00 I'd decided to mug Bio, but in case you didn't know, the windy benches are a great place to take a nap. 1 hour flew away just like that o.0 Then Daniel, Russel and Bryan turned up and I just got caught up in the "action" haha. Can't say I regret it, I DID manage to set a highscore in Daniel's game, which he apparently hasn't beat yet.

Chang Sun passed by and amazingly, he said something that actually made me happy for once, though I shan't post it here due to audience sensitivity XD

The oral itself was like taking a dump. You push and push, then everything comes out in one go. And that's it; over just like that.

I decided to stay back and get some mugging done, so that's what I did. Then I joined weifeng and kexin, who happened to be in school too. That was at 11.10 (estimated). Nearly 8 hours later, I stepped out of school, perhaps staggering a little as my wobbly legs struggled to bear my weight, a dull ache throbbing at the front of my head. Awhile later, that ache disappeared, to be replaced by numbness. Nothing but numbness. As I walked that short distance towards Marymount station, the Lytic Cycle of T4 Bacteriophage rose to the forefront of my mind. I realized that I'd been mumbling under my breath: Attachment, Penetration, Replication,  Maturation, Release. And the details came to me, just as I'd painstakingly written down: Attachment sites on the tail fibres attach to complementary receptors on the bacterial surface (viral specificity). The virus then releases lysozymes which digest the bacteria's cell wall. Molecules that exit the bacteria through the cell wall trigger a change in the shape of the base plate of the bacteriophage, which then initiates the spring-like contraction of the tail sheath, thrusting a hollow tube through the cell wall and cell membrane. The dsDNA is then enters the cytoplasm of the bacteria through the hollow tube. Dots...

Well, seems like what they say about writing things down is the truth. It really helps in memorizing it. Sadly, its painstakingly slow, and I don't have the luxury of doing that anymore. There's just not enough time dammit. It's my fault, so I swear I'll do better next time, I really do.

The past 2 days of mugging have been surprisingly fun. Maybe its the people, or maybe its the act of focusing itself, idk. But I can honestly say that mugging in school today was the right decision. I met another one of Jeremy's friends: Tessa, and I felt once again the kind of warmth they have. I know I sound like some deprived kid, but that's what I really felt. The crazy period when Mao came over was particularly entertaining. Funn~

Now that I've gotten my first taste of "hardcore" mugging, I'm not particularly averse to it, actually. I should do this more often, like, so that I won't have to do this so much. Btw, the previous sentence makes perfect sense, ok?

Progress today? Covered Mitosis & Meiosis, halfway through Viruses, got to know 1 new person, and talked to some people I've not really talked to before. Not bad =)

Going to mug with Sing Yee tomorrow. Hope it turns out well!

ToTD: Mugging in school's quite fun, s'long as you're able to keep on track and stay focused, which, with the right motivation, I'm perfectly capable of doing. The only downside? The canteen stalls close around 5 and then you have to go to 7-11 for sustenance. Its a rip-off... 7-11, its a store and more! My wallet aches after Monday's little excursion, so yeah
They stave off the darkness, these little staves of light, but outside these pools of light the darkness lurks, the darkness remains, the darkness waits. For me to walk away, or for the light to flicker and die. Cause they won't last forever. And all I can do is clutch them to myself and hope. Hope. Cause the darkness, cool and inviting, all engulfing, is oh so lonely.

Overslept. Totally overslept. So I got to Safra late and kept Shaofei waiting for the key. Luckily he didn't seem to mind too much. Since I didn't really feel up to training, I just sat there in the moving target range while some dudes who I presume were from Safsa started to ask me some questions about shooting. I can't really explain it, nor do I really understand it myself, but I frequently find myself getting tic-ed off by certain things people say about shooting. I mean, I know that they don't know much about shooting so why on earth do I let myself be bothered by frivolous comments they make which aren't even targeted at me in the first place? Haha, I'm just weird like that.

*Reminder* Shaofei owes me $3.90 for lunch

So yup, I went to WRL after that to MUG. I amaze myself sometimes, I really do. Spent >5 hours there; it's been my most productive day of the hols. yet. Though I have to admit, the last half an hour or so was pretty much spent talking to Amos, who just happened to be mugging there too. Cool coincidence, IKR? Well, I did manage to cover a lot of ground with Bio today, and actually enjoyed talking to him too.

Chinese orals tomorrow. I'm totally unprepared, except in one aspect: I'm prepared to fail. Oh wells, I'll live.

ToTD: Say no too many times, and people will eventually stop asking. A lesson learnt from personal experience, really. But that doesn't mean I want to be a YES man, unlike that guy in that retarded film. I'll just try to be more positive-thinking and not dismiss things too quickly and/or easily. Who knows? Something might just come out of it. We'll see >.<

Chem mock test, lunch, penspinner gathering, haircut, removal of braces, home =)

Chem mock test - Really surprised I didn't do too badly, especially with the last min mugging of Gaseous State in the morning XD Now the only problem is working on time management. [Dropped in on the start of the RISC camp. I like what they're doing with it, and their focus on discipline too. 28 pushups for someone being 7 mins late? Wonderful. Glad I wasn't doing it though]

Lunch - The food court at J8. Curry beef rice with cheese and egg was great. It was nice hanging out with some friends too

Pser gathering - Trade, stoning at Cityhall just spinning our pens and talking about stuff; pretty cool imo. Got a few RSVPs and Supertips too =) <3 my new MX, I'll trim the clip after this. (Thanks alot for the great insert Josh!)

I also got a smoky Muji KT and a clear airfit too. Neat takings for the day. Watching the rest enthuse about linkages, tricks and videos, I wonder where the initial enthusiasm, the initial insatiable urge to learn more tricks, to do more cool stuff went. We'll see how things go when I have time. (Wonder when that'll be)

Haircut: $8 haircut, nothing much to say :X Though as an interesting side-effect, I think I'm starting to get the hang of how people sell their services and promote themselves. It's all 'bout customer service, without being too obvious about it

Braces: Just like that, something I've had in my mouth for 6 months now is gone. Don't think I'll miss it terribly though.

Total amount spent? (Sans transport) $6.40 + $7.90 + $2.25 + $1.50 + $8.00 + $2.00 = $28.05 OMGWTF

Ok, today's been supremely self-indulgent. Time to devote the rest of the week to MUGMUGMUG. Shitz hope I make it in time

My dreams scare me sometimes. Seemingly innocent they are, but the way they reflect my innermost desires, my deepest insecurities, my greatest wishes, and of course all the trivialities in life forces me to take a long, hard look at myself, and I don't always like what I see.

We take those near and dear to us foregranted way too often. It's understandable, really. When someone's practically an arm or leg to you, you don't go around minding their feelings or anything strange like that, do you? But we just fail to realize how much a word of thanks, a moment of consideration, an effort to understand, actually matters, and how much better off our time together would be as a result of that. Well, we can't just leave things as they are, someone has to get the ball rolling, so might as well be me >.<

THANKS!!

560. 560. 560. I can understand why you want to do this, but I don't have to like it, do I? Perhaps this is willful reticence on my part, but I don't care. It's not that I think I can't do it. I can, and I will. It's partially indignation for what happened to me at the start of the year, and some other factors, so I really, really don't like the way you're doing things right now.
So sue me.
It doesn't matter though. I'm not so weak as to allow this to affect me, and so long as I get there earlier than the rest, things will turn out exactly the same in the long run. Is that why you keep doing this to me? Cause you know I won't let all these things stop me from shooting? Cause that's not fair y'know? It's practically blackmailing me using my love for the sport. I hate it.
[/rant]

Believe it or not, I do make an effort to analyze my emotions rationally, and I think I'm feeling this way due to the clusterfuck -pardon my language- multitude of events that I've had to push through since I don't know how far back in shooting. The cumulative effect of all these things really get a guy down. I know I have to get rid of this baggage somehow, but I don't see a way to do so in the foreseeable future. Well, life goes on I guess, and the weight on my back just keeps on getting heavier. I wonder when the straw that breaks the Chris' back will finally land. Oh well, we'll see.

Shooting's going well, but I'm gonna go on a mini hiatus in order to gear up for the CTs. Hopefully my standard won't be too severely affected by it :) I think I've shored up enough training on my foundations to be in good stead after I resume, so I'm not overly worried. My jacket's coming in!! By the end of this month if things go well. Just in time for after-CTs training. Hahaha, 560? I'll smash you in no time. MWAHAHAHA

The World Cup. My distraction, but a really nice one =) And I think I can really see the importance of every decision we make here. Nigeria were leading Greece 1-0 when a midfielder pushed and kicked at a Greek player. This momentary lack of control led to him getting red-carded and, at least IMO, the eventual 2-1 loss of the Nigerian team. This cost them dearly: They most likely won't get through the group stages
What a pity.

New day, new, outlook, new hopes, new wishes, new agenda. Let's get it done!

FOCUS! It's all that matters

Look to the sky

It's quite a wondrous thing, that us humans have fully articulated necks. Perhaps t'was to allow our ancestors to look into trees above them to watch out for dinner, but MY explanation is that its function is to allow us to look up to the sky. Looking at the sky, we can aspire to something greater, something higher. We also enjoy the the sky in all its splendor: sunrise, sunset, starry and so on. It's something that I'll never grow tired of looking at :) Of course, there was this story, or perhaps a fable, where an astronomer who kept staring at the sky fell into a hole in the ground. The morale is merely to not have your head in the clouds; but please don't let that detract from the appreciation of the sky, and the wonder it holds.

Hehe, I've said too much. Well, a couple of pics I've taken will come up soon as I get my bluetooth working.

Yup, I'm random sometimes.
Sadly, I don't have any pics of the night sky at Bintam. It was truly breath-taking, with the spread of stars in the vast sky which you just can't see in Singapore. Crux!

A letter (or note) to a friend

I don't really have the luxury of time here, but it'll swirl around my head otherwise, so I just have to get it out. Here goes:

Thanks. Not too bad a way to start something off I guess, so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for being my friend, for giving me so much and never asking for anything in return. Your cheerfulness, your little antics and you yourself never failed to brighten up my day. Although we have had our disagreements, and I don't always agree with your point of view, you've stuck with me nonetheless. I'm not a "fun" person by nature, and you've called me a wet blanket more than once, but we still hang out anyways, which even now, still seems like a wondrous miracle to me. All the time we've spent; during trainings, after them, just walking around after school, and on the MRT, talking like we had all the time in the world. And maybe, then, we did.

But as they say, time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana, in the blink of an eye, time caught up to us. And those timeless moments came to an end. You have your life and I have mine, but I just wish these days of happiness, joy, and sometimes frustration never had to end. But they did.

Goodbye ________ days

Though our paths diverge, they do occasionally intersect once again. Sorry for not blurting out these feelings, cause our time together's just too precious to waste.

It's only through typing this out and exposing them to the cruel scrutiny of my eyes from an external point of view instead of having it safely enclosed within this head of mine that I realize how lame these thoughts of mine actually are. Well, I'm not going to stop anytime soon, so please either bear with me, or just go away :P

I reject.

As I walk alone, I like to imagine this sphere of isolation around myself. It feels so tangible, it seems like it would keep everyone and everything out of it. In it, at least for that transient moment in which it exists, I reject the world, reject my surroundings, and just be me, myself, unburdened by anything at all. This feeling is simultaneously an empowering one and a lonely one.

I guess it could be seen as a pretty selfish thing, but hopefully everyone can see the allure of it, of blocking out the world and just be-ing. Sometimes I wonder if its this allure that draws me to shooting, and that nagging suspicion has gotten ever so much stronger after my switch to rifle. Staring down that "tunnel" which excludes everything else around me; focusing my mind on a few simple points to the extent that all other matters are excluded, the parallels between shooting and this "sphere of isolation" of mine are immediately obvious.

Aside, "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" Oddly appropriate? Or maybe not.

Shooting :D

Training matters:

Don't get ahead of yourself. Focus only on the 3 basic things: Body stability, proper placement of the elbow and maintaining the same amount of strength when triggering

That's all that matters for now since I haven't gotten my own suit yet.

A SUIT! That's more or less all that I'm looking forward to right now. After wearing some random jacket which belongs to RI for the last 2 trainings, I've come to realize how crucial the suit is to rifle shooting. It wouldn't be an exaggeration at all to say that my stability has increased at least twofold after wearing the jacket, and that's not even a jacket which really suits me :D I can't wait.

So yeah, I may be getting ahead of myself but I'd really like to start focusing on the 细节 of rifle shooting right now, instead of being constantly dragged back to the "3 big ideas" which coach has me doing at the moment. I want to improve, I want to shoot better, I want to make each shot perfect. Please, please don't make me wait much longer.

I am impatient. But after much advice from coach, daniel and yulin too, I've managed to reign in this impatience. I'm giving training my all, I'm abiding by what coach wants me to do faithfully. As yulin once told me: Train like you did in Sec 1. I really took that to heart; so now I'm just training hard, training wholeheartedly, with the purpose of laying down a solid foundation ever at the forefront of my mind. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are; I'll stick to it, do it right, and I won't let myself down.

Lastly, it's fun. It's actually fun. When I was shooting my pistol, I never imagined that I could love shooting and training with my rifle this much. But I do. I really do. The feeling of "control" over every shot. The feeling of trying to carry each shot out perfectly to the best of my ability. The awareness of my body, the gun and my thoughts. The sensation of pulling the trigger as those little circles overlap. It's awesome. Yeah, I know I may sound like a nutter, but I do love shooting, and now, I'm not afraid to say it. I LOVE SHOOTING :D:D:D

So even if what someone says is true, that it's just self-indulgence, that there are more important things to work on, I'm never gonna give it up. I'm gonna indulge all I want, cause I love it THAT much. All the pain that I've experienced over these 4 1/2 years as a result of it, the fact that Mengshi was probably right when she said it's all meaningless, that nothing will come out of it don't matter to me at all. Cause I love it.

Words

POST UNDER CONSTRUCTION

My attempt to mentally compose this post while in the shower was more or less a flop, so I'll just do it on the spot instead.

Anyway, looking back on my previous posts, what I find really striking is how those words I typed down seem to capture quite neatly my state of mind at that point of time. So they're like neat little snapshots of this not-so-big-not-so-small mind of mine, which I find really interesting. This also provides a further incentive to continue on with my relentless blathering (besides rambling for the sake of rambling itself of course, which I must say, is a very worthy cause in and of itself)

So, it is oft said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If so, I daresay the mouth is the doorway to the soul, and the words it forms are the keys to open, unlock and access the soul. I'm betting that you've got a thousand and one objections to this particular analogy, but just stick with me, and we'll see if I can't justify it. (on a not-so-serious note, if you envision the face as the typical house, with the eyes as the windows, the mouth would naturally be the door wouldn't it?)

When I envision people's minds (and perhaps their souls) I see each mind as one of of a whole constellation of stars in this vast emptiness. Some shine more brightly than others, but we're all stars nonetheless. And well, despite so many other stars existing around us, the vast distances separate us, isolating us from each other.

Lost

The past few months have been swell. The rising crest at the start of the year, when things seemed so promising, so full of potential; then the sudden drop as the ground got pulled from under my feet and the waves broke, just like that. Being so involved in the highs and lows as I've never been before in the admittedly short 16 years of my life, I seem to have utterly thrust some thoughts into the background, and they're now rushing at me full-force.

Something that's always bugged me is how I feel when I'm with groups of people. After some observation and a little thinking, I've arrived at the conclusion that there are 3 kinds of people in a group of people: The "leader", the "follower" and the "observer"

Edit: Truncated post after realizing that it didn't make much sense at all :)

Nothing's written in stone, and even then, stone corrodes.

GP today was nothing much. Seriously. Played bball with Gary, William, Brian, Chris and some other J1s after that. Missed out on the opportunity to go training and/or go for class lunch at J8 because of that. I have no idea whether it was worth it or not XD

Joined the class at the top of the 8 after that. Had a little fun. Typing at Kang Yan's piano's teacher's house now. I'm a little too tired to type out my thoughts so this'll have to do for now

No gun no life T_T

I've got no gun to train at Safra and I'm the only rifler shooting "naked" now so to speak. Maybe I'm complaining too much, but I don't really care right now XD

All hail the saikang warrior!!!

Haha, nah, I don't really see it that way, just that sometimes it seems like Raffles Shooting got a pretty sweet deal with me as QM. Arrogance ttm!!

To all the little things: You're the world to me, so you'll have to forgive me if I never let you go

I'm gonna break out of this shell, so you'd better watch out for the explosion XP

Art Club exhibition on Wednesday, Chinese Drama's production after that, staying back on Thursday to discuss PW, Dine in the Dark yesterday, MR CIP today, and RI's Open House right after that. Oh my, seems like I've been involved in a fair bit of things lately XD and it's not only the involvement, it's the people that I've gotten to know over these past 4 days, which I feel really glad for. Though the after-effects of these encounters may not turn out to be much, it's pretty cool how the threads of our lives intersect through these interactions, and while they may be transient, I will treasure them. (Sorry for ripping this off XP)

Training on Wednesday was uneventful, with PT being led by a seemingly over-enthusiastic Yi Ling. Well, I still managed to play bball with Gary, Marcus and William for a while after that, so I guess it wasn't THAT bad. After freshening up after that, off I went to Art Club's exhibition on ceramics & drawing; being practically coerced by Clarissa into going. Can't say it wasn't interesting though, getting to see a potter's wheel at work by skilled hands was intriguing to say the least. I also got to catch-up with Jazlyn, Munirah and Hai. To quote Jazlyn: My circle of friends has come full circle. 2 of my ex-schoolmates, an ex-classmate and a current classmate who happened to be ex-classmates, current classmates and cca mates of each other really show that its a small small world. Sadly, I only had 1/2 an hour to spend there since the drama started at 7.30, so I had to rush off much too soon. I also missed the chance to grab a whole lot more chips, so that was a pity too D<

Chinese Drama's production was great, and you could really see the amount of effort they had put into it, it really showed, and it was very professional. Tian Yuan and Yelin, great job! I went for it with the other shooters, and I'm quite touched by them getting dinner for me even though I didn't go with them for dinner. However, I have to admit that I'm not very comfortable around them; and its not that things are awkward because of the elections. I've gotten over it, and they were pretty unaffected, so that's not it. If I have to put it into words, I guess I would say it's about being unable to really connect with them. Mengshi mentioned the same kind of feeling, and while I think my case might not be as severe as her's, I can't really empathize with their thoughts, actions and words. Hopefully it's not the "GEPer" syndrome XD They're all great and friendly people, its just that I find myself having to either unconsciously or consciously limiting myself and watching what I do around them, and I don't like that.

PWPWPW. HAIX. There's so much to do, and so little energy. Won't talk more about it here. Suffice to say I stayed back in school with Clarissa after the discussion to do a little work, which wasn't bad at all :)

Dine in the Dark was a really cool experience. The extended period of time in almost total darkness was a new experience, and eating without seeing the food was novel. A thought nagging at the back of my head is that they could have put whatever they wanted into the food and we wouldn't even know... The food was good, so that wasn't much of a problem. The highlight was sitting opposite Jeremy and 2 of his friends, Weifeng and Kexin. They're super friendly people. I happened to be walking behind Weifeng, Kexin and Shimin as they were going to Marymount, and they just started talking to me like we already knew each other even though Jeremy wasn't there O.O They're very nice and I was really touched, and kinda happy for Jeremy that he has such great friends!

MR Gives Back was nice. Since I didn't really know anyone there, I joined a group of other people who were nice enough to accept me. Hong Teng, De sheng, Kenneth, You Sheng, Vivegan, and one more guy (sorry :P) Yup, that's all that happened. Went to RI's Open House after that with Constance and her friend Yi Meng. The shooting booth seemed a little dis-organized to me, but as she said, maybe I'm just being hard on my juniors, I've got to admit that after a whole day of speaking to parents, they're entitled to mess around a little.

C'est tout. Thoughts of the day/week will have to come later

10th to 13th March
9th April
12th May

Days I shouldn't forget all too easily XD

Did a couple of personality tests after seeing Siyi's post on FB XD
Apparently I'm an INTP and an idealist. Sounds pretty pathetic to me XP oh, and here too

Training today wasn't bad. Got a little of the feeling down, at least now I know what a good shot entails. Too bad I can't get it done with any sort of consistency atm, maybe I'm too focused on the result and am losing my focus on my actions/stability/whatever as a result? I'm just too new to this thing to know what's right and wrong...

Aside, I'm so screwed right about now!! Gahh, what possessed me to take up Chinese?!!

The little things we count on; which ever so gently, light up our world

Why is it so much easier to tell a 100 lies than it is to say a word of truth?

16/05/10

The timestamp at the bottom can't help but beg the question: Why use the date as the title? 2 answers: Firstly, because I can't think of a better one, and secondly, because I can :P I'd have thought that the URL of this blog would have clued you about the previous, but its ok :)

With that resolved, on to the post!

Training without a suit is getting frustrating, but I like the freedom it leaves me with. If I had a suit, I wouldn't be able to train both in school and at Safra simultaneously, but without it, all I can train are my basic stability and triggering action. Now, I don't mean to willfully ignore what coach's been saying, but I WANT to improve, and I won't be able to work on anything much till I get it. And that's going to take a couple of months at least. Haix.

Thought of the day: Ambivalence, the state of having confused or conflicting feelings, emotions or thoughts towards a person, thing and/or situation. I recently admitting to having a self-critical side, one that looks at whatever I'm doing, and thinking, and criticizes it; and this has led me to become an insecure person. So, am I to live out my existence on this earth like this? Forever criticizing, never being fully at rest and being able to wholeheartedly affirm my decisions and thoughts. Seems like a pretty sad life. But I'm also unwilling to go to the other extreme and stop thinking altogether.

My explanation for this phenomenon? The body (or is it mind?) has a natural negative-feedback mechanism for the emotions we experience, so once the intensity crosses a certain threshold, it works to reverse the emotions by exerting a negative influence on them, bringing them back to equilibrium. See possible holes in this theory? That's what the comments are for XP MOVING ON, I think that the reason for my ambivalence is that this mechanism is flawed in my case. Yeah, it does its job of reversing the emotion, but it doesn't stop at equilibrium, it just goes on and on, until the other threshold is crossed and the process happens again. Go figure

14/05/10

Aaannnd its back to the basics

Focus on body stability, don't care too much about the little detail about shoulder positioning and elbow position. That's it for today.

Progress is ok, but it seems like I really need to get a jacket in order to start training properly for the nationals next year. Guess I'll have to talk to papa about it :X

Reminder: Take pics of cards and post them next time. Shot-by-shot analysis? (Thanks Elizabeth for the inspiration!)

Had dinner with Elizabeth after training today. I happened to meet her in the canteen while washing up. Seems like she came to school even though she wasn't feeling too well, and lasted through the whole day just for KI and an I. chess discussion. She's really an amazing person. I really respect her for how mature she is in terms of her perception of the world, her opinions and the ability she has to voice them. She has her views, and she's not afraid to air them. She's obviously someone who has gone through quite a bit and matured because of that.

What am I beside all of that?

New beginnings =)

I'm going to try something I copied from a friend so yeah :)

About the title:
Its been more than a year since my last post, so that's ONE kind of beginning I guess

Another new beginning would be the start of my time with a new, but at the same time somewhat familiar weapon, the rifle. YES, I know I've professed my love for the pistol countless times, and I'll never forget my partners 736218 and 901330, who've kept me company for these past 3 years, and I'll always love you no matter what. I also remember my determination last year to overcome this "mental problem" of mine, which was to focus too much on the details and lose my focus because of that. Well, I'm not giving up that determination, that's for sure. I'll continue to treat shooting with the same level of passion, determination and seriousness that I've always treated it with, even though I may have decided to switch to a different weapon. If I remember to, I'll talk 'bout the reason for that switch in a later post.

The final new beginning, at least for now, would be the beginning of my post as quartermaster of Raffles Shooting Club. Such a nostalgic position, which threatens to raise a range of emotions which run the gamut from happiness to sadness; empoweredness to helplessness. To be fair to the post, I did derive a fair bit of satisfaction from it in RI, in being around to watch my juniors train, being around to watch them grow up into wonderful people, and being around to see them being together, having fun together. It was a healing experience for me, seeing the togetherness of their batches, but it can't help but make me wonder: what went wrong with our batch? why do we seem to be the only batch that was fragmented to such a severe extent? And this leads me to the even larger and perhaps more worrying question, why does this always seem to happen around me? Maybe its because I've experienced too little to experience any wonderful experiences but of late, I've gotten the feeling of being unable to connect with people, and maybe even having a disruptive influence on the bonds people have. That's a really lousy feeling.

Mentioning my post as quartermaster, I can't fail to leave out my disappointment in myself for being unable to attain the post of captain. I had so many people rooting for me, especially Siyi, Mengshi and Daniel, and I really feel that I've let them down with my dismal showing at the EXCO elections on Wednesday. Well, I've decided to put that behind me, and to do my best to make it up to them, and to live up to the perhaps overwhelmingly huge amount of faith they've placed in me and to do my best, to go beyond the boundaries of my job scope as QM, to give my all to the club.

And that's that for new beginnings. There are many other thoughts in my head right now, but that's always been a given, so I shall keep them for later. And now; since this IS my shooting blog after all, I shall end off with clearly stating my rifle routine :P

1: Secure the butt just a little off from my shoulder
2: Raise the gun, and rest in on my fist; approximately around the 2nd and 3rd knuckles (I'll work more on this later)
3: Rest my elbow on my hip bone, such that my arm is straight and it doesnt slide around
4: Close my eyes, and feel the stability of my whole body. All the parts come together as one, and nothing is shaking or out of place
5: Check my left arm and placement of the butt against my right shoulder
6: Slowly cheek down
7: Close my eyes again, and feel the stability of my whole body
8: Open my eyes, and look through the scope
9: Let the rifle enter the aiming area. Trigger finger moves to the trigger
10: Let it waver naturally and uniformly. DON'T control it!!!
11: Continue on focusing on body stability
12: First pressure...
13: Pull the second pressure when it feels just right
14: Follow through (IMPT DON'T FORGET!!!)
15: Lower the gun
16: Rinse and repeat

And that's it! So simple right? Well I'll be working on the more technical aspects of this in future trainings and depending on how busy I am, I'll update this as I see fit.

P.S. Thanks WZ for making me see the benefit of keeping a shooting journal! I'll do my best to keep it up consistently.

Raffles Shooting ABR jiayou all the way!

And to anyone who happens to read this, its a matter of fate that you're reading this out of the gazillions of blogs on the internet, so do leave me some comments XD