Random little thing my mum got for breast cancer awareness month; supposed to demonstrate how some lumps can be felt and how some can't; thus necessitating periodic mammograms, or so it seems. She kept asking me to press it lol. Haha; kind of reminds me what medical professionalism is supposed to be. Kind of like how there was a campaign a few years back asking patients with ED to signal that to their doctor with a thumbs down (N) and how my dad has a series of um...fruits?...indicating various levels of "hardness" xD Can't imagine getting to the point where I'd be able to maturely and tactfully discuss such stuff with virtual strangers lol.

 Came across this pic on FB, can't remember who posted it. Just putting it here cause idk; provoked some pretty visceral feelings for me. (Pun wholly unintended; at least initially xP) The insensitive caption is entirely mine; couldn't help myself. Google "hand of hope" if you're interested.

"Thanks for giving me a hand; but I'm really almost done with this operation"

Can the leopard change its spots?

The cyclical nature of life; which I find myself caught up by, much like a bottle out at sea; at the mercy of the ebb and flow of tides.
The form is different, of course, but the themes reoccur, and where I was last year; I find myself heading towards, yet again.
I thought I had changed (no seriously), so why does the same damn thing have to happen over and over?
This is not what Nietzsche meant when he talked bout the eternal recurrence; I'm positive of that. If it is, though, maybe I'd have a shot at becoming an Übermensch.

Lol, just learnt recently that "gay" = 断背 XD

We who seek balance now xP

So sleepy. And now; with the prelims practically over (with only the all so crucial chem MCQ left); now begins the pointlessly difficult task of normalizing my messed up sleeping schedule.

Time after Bio today was pretty unexpectedly spent :D Had some one to one time with an old friend; stoned around in the canteen for awhile; went out for lunch then went home. Pretty cool lah; quite an interesting, albeit cynical view on things. Not too many people I can simply sit around and casually talk with; without things getting stale; with no need for any pretense or crap like that. Very refreshing.

Quite random; but I'm just thinking that extremism is so much more provocative; so much more interesting than any old moderate stance to an issue. I remember hearing or reading somewhere that that's a kind of criticism or key difference that Westerners notice between Singaporeans and them. There's supposedly this tendency towards a balanced view; one that covers all bases (which I don't doubt has something to do with our culture; evidenced pretty much in GP essay criteria I guess) which makes us sound all the same?

Haha, I can't deny the allure of extremist views; no matter how messed up they are. Case in point; though I was horrified by one of my ex-classmate's opinions that society shouldn't support the disabled; as they constitute a drain on its resources; which he expressed in all seriousness, there was, to me, at least, a certain perverse attractiveness to it as something that bucked social norms; and the coldly dispassionate way in which he put his point forth. It's those who put forth these extreme views which garner the most response, it seems. Either by those horrified by them or those who've secretly harbored them themselves; yet never had the courage to give voice to them for fear of societal reprisal.

Even so, I can't say that I approve of extremity for the sake of being extreme. It's kind of like how I think when people say that "they're looking for mavericks"; they're actually mixing up causality and effect. They're actually looking for the traits and character that would make someone unafraid of breaking the status quo rather than the act itself. And now we have self-styled mavericks doing it for all the wrong reasons. Besides, maybe it's the conservative within me speaking; but somehow I really do believe that moderation does bucketloads more for stability than extremism does; don't you agree?

Maybe that's why I'm such a boring person :P

Some things will never change. You're one of them; and I mean that in the best possible way :)

On another note; 15 min delay on the red line...damn.

I don't want anything much anymore, I realize. When I say want; I'm obviously not referring to the material aspect alone. I find little appetite or ambition within myself; at this point of time, and a subsequent lack of motivation to really do things. I recognize that I'm running on auto-pilot right now; directed by the vague understanding that there's XYZ that I have to do; so I'd damn well better go do them.

After these last 2 prelim papers; I've gotta do some searching; I guess. To grasp at that soul which I'm not even sure I possess; to re-orientate and refocus. Fear has served as a passable "motivator" in the past, evidenced by those desperate bouts of late night mugging which I've become habituated to; come to see as a mere corollary of imminent examinations, up to the point where it's perfectly normal for me to stay up till 2 (or later) mugging for the day's paper; zombify myself right before; shake myself out of the stupor to take the test; crash right after, and do up my mugging while following the latest happenings in the back-to-back dramas running from 8-9, 9-10, 10-10.30 and 12-1 that my family so loves to watch. It's kinda scary the extent to which it's meshed so neatly into my daily routine.

And yet "passable" isn't quite going to cut it for the A's, now is it? I'll have to find my own way.

On a lighter note; Bio Paper 3 was THE paper; the paper which I've finally managed to fully and truly complete; without leaving any blanks, with all the answers done up to my satisfaction. So, we'll see how it turns out. I'll have to admit, though that I more or less neglected the preparations for it; only started on the Application stuff around 7 or so after waking up from the aftermath of chem, cramming the planning stuff while on the ride to school and entirely ignoring the Core stuff. (The goldfish experiment in the Respiration exemplars was hilarious, really. "Count the number of times the goldfish opens and closes its mouth within a 5 minute period" to determine the rate of respiration lol. Can just imagine some student carrying out the practical and swearing as he loses track of how many times that damn goldfish which swims around the beaker opens and closes its damn mouth. The weighing of the goldfish just smacks of animal abuse; and well, let's just hope that the pilot tests to find optimal temperature range did not end up clogging the drain.)

My left hand actually ached for hours after the paper; as I was more or less writing from start till end; and started spamming the theory for the planning experiment before I was done thinking through the whole thing. Felt a little high afterwards; it becomes ALOT less stressful when you stop treating it completely like a test and instead think of it as a challenge to see how much content you can stuff between those few lines within the stipulated time limit; as well as trying to predict what the marker wants and giving it to them; a little cynically, perhaps; when I got to the risks and precautions for the planning and wrote the stock answers of avoiding injury due to cuts.

After all that I've said, it'll be really embarrassing if I find out that I did really badly. Haha I don't see how people like Yongjin can put themselves on the line, figuratively speaking; by declaring that the paper was simple. Either they don't give a **** of what people think of them or they're supremely confident in their own ability. I fall within neither of those categories; so I'll just stop here ><

A Procrastinator's Warning

"Time is elastic", The procrastinator's creed. Just don't let it snap. Spur of the moment haiku XD I can't help but be reminded of Rette's epic: The dead bird is red. The dead bird is very red. The red bird is dead. ...um yeah, those were more retarded times. Can't say I didn't have a shitload of fun, though >.<

TGIF (On a Saturday, no less!)

I'd love to talk, but that's not happening anytime soon, now is it? > <

Spent the last few hours or so after getting back binging on my laptop; which has been little more than a glorified paperweight - occupying valuable real estate on my table which I'd like to think of as being in a state of deshabille but is unfortunately just plain messy - these past few days.

I'm not sure when it was that I started to find a certain serenity during these exam period. The days kind of blend into each other; paper after another, very idyllic (not idle, of course!) Even when rushing to cram for the next paper; those desperate 2 hours or so between Econs Paper 2 and Bio Paper, as I just sat there alone flipping at frantic pace through that stack of 7 or so topics, there wasn't really much stress to speak of. Going home straight after the paper to catch up on last night's sleep; cram again, rinse and repeat. Very simple; kind of unlike the bulk of our papers up till now xD

Now for some random spam on the prelims xP (You've been warned)

I've already alluded to Econs; basically didn't manage to finish writing any of my essays; didn't really allocate my time fully and spammed too much on that Merit and Public good question, which compromised the latter ones.

Bio was pretty manageable; thanks to the separation of application and core syllabus; which makes that whole smorgasbord of topics marginally digestible. Heh I think I relapsed into my RI form for Bio; where I approached each question with a little too much enthusiasm; literally spamming everything I knew, with little regard to the actual nuances of the question. I'll term it the "shotgun approach" (not to be mixed up with that DNA sequencing technique). The metaphorical shotgun may have metaphorically backfired though; since I didn't manage to finish the essay despite having a solid 30 or so mins left to tackle it. I got a little too complacent towards the end, methinks. I actually spent awhile debating with myself which question to attempt by trying to mentally list down the points I had for each. Not an optimal approach; hindsight tells me. Death by choice indeed... Shouldn't do too badly; though it's always impossible to tell, with Bio. It's always the analness of the answer scheme that trips me up; though I do realize it's got to do with my general ineptitude as well.

Chem was a disaster, to put it simply. It's probably the subject that I have to pay the most attention to right now; since I should be able to do it, can't give myself excuses like not having practiced enough since that's all down to my general laziness. Lost marks left right center; the most I can hope for out of Paper 3 is a pass. It's quite telling that when the thing started and I was briefly scanning the questions (hoping to eliminate the toughest, you see) and I started crossing things out; I quickly realized that there were none that I was confident in dealing with...

Math was a mixed bag. Paper 1 had those standardly non-standard pure math questions that just made me go "WTF!" stare at them for awhile; scribble something onto the paper; cancel my scribblings only to rewrite them all over again along with those really run-of-the-mill questions that I should really have been able to attempt much faster. Chalk it down to lack of rigorous practice, I guess. Speed could be further optimized. Paper 2 was actually a little fun to do; while I was initially worried about the time, after spending way too long on the first few questions; the statistics part was a breeze, as there's really alot less thinking and alot more regurgitating to do. Should be fine even accounting for the fact that I probably messed up the probability questions. My paranoid side fears that literally everything could have been wrong and I would have still walked out thinking that I did fine; but I hope that wasn't the case lol. The pure math part was the "fun" part; since imo, it involved alot less technique than in Paper 1 and required more thinking and problem solving. Heh, maybe it was a no-brainer for the rest of you who did it, but when finding the points of intersection of the tangent in the parametric question, I was randomly multiplying and cancelling terms, and it felt so good after managing to whack out the answer :D Ditto for the last part of the AP GP question, where after staring at it for awhile - with the very frequent glances upwards at the clock to see how many precious minutes were remaining - I finally began to see the glimmers of a solution. As frenzied scribbling followed; with each line of working taking up like 2 lines of foolscap; the pieces started to fit together, and realizing the last part of the puzzle - to multiply by 3/2 - to get the answer was so gratifying. Hahaha I can see how that feeling of gratification could get pretty addictive; it's just that so often there's so little time under exam conditions that the stress overwhelms everything and I'm unable to think straight. I'm normally unable to "see" the solutions for such questions, so good job for managing it this time, Chris! XD The vectors question was a nightmare; though I'm pretty confident that all my steps were correct; they didn't give us any "save points" at all! So I was just doing, doing, doing; and hoping really hard that I hadn't overlooked any careless mistake that would doom the rest of my marks. Especially so given that I've got a bad track record with such mistakes.. Lost >7 marks in CT2 cause I was rushing and did the dot product wrongly, getting 5x5 = 5 instead of 25 or something like that. Even worse was that when as I was done with one part and was checking the working; I realized that I had made 1x1 become 2 lol. Not exactly confidence-boosting material.

Hahaha, that's it for the Prelims spam this week (Y) My predicted grades aren't looking too good atm; GP, Math and Econs are already decided; so all that's left are Bio and Chem (well duh). Bio looks fine, but Chem...urgh...very jialat alr, it'll be a miracle if I can maintain CT2 standard.

And now, a short (PSA) by a friendly, stoned lemur:

Credits SY for showing it to me so long ago :D

"At school nag, at home nag; no peace at all -.-

-KYan

I need to write faster. Sigh. Maybe I'm comparatively disadvantaged when it comes to writing; having to forcefully push my hand across the paper when I write rather than the elegant gliding action that favors right-handers. My unfortunate affliction with sweaty palms means that at the end of the paper, I'm left with a blue stain on the bottom of my hand that would surely get me caught blue-handed should I ever decide to karate chop someone right after. Being unable to review what I'm writing as I write is pretty crappy too >< haha so should I concede this disadvantage and develop other areas of CA instead or continue to work at it? Answer seems pretty evident.

I'll end the random whining here

Let the season of daily sleep deprivation begin :P thank god for the distribution of papers.

Looks like I may or may not have had moldy bread for breakfast today -.-

Idk why, but I seem to be irrationally confident in the power of my "nitro boost" -.- hope I've not doomed myself

I'm 18 now, for all that it's worth. Quite a bit later than most of you, I'm sure. Legal to drink, attempt to drive, and...I'm not sure what else, actually. Heh and don't feel any different, of course. There's no impressive coming of age ritual/trial unlike some rainforest tribe where boys have to put on sleeves with bullet ants sewn into them, stingers inwards and bear the agony of hundreds of stings, each of which feels like "being shot with a gun" in order to be considered a man. Go figure. Here in "civilization", transitions are alot less clear cut: We have 10 year olds bearing the responsibility of grownups and "adults" who continue to act like kids.

Had a small but enjoyable celebration at home (we dined out at Fish & Co during the weekend) and it was quite heartfelt for me I guess. One of my sisters even went to the trouble of putting together a short slideshow (she's random and sweet like that) which wasn't that awesome but very appreciated XD

And well, something just a little related that I've been thinking is that I've been really fortunate and lucky that I've grown up knowing what it's like to be loved. Haha and I realize I complain about my family more than a little, but then there's all those small and not-so-small random gestures (which would sound incredibly strange to an outsider if I bring them up in normal convos) infused with a wordless love and care. Having received so much from both my nuclear and extended family, there's a feeling of wanting to share it with someone. I think I'm not that great at transmitting those wordless thoughts (for lack of a better word) though, which is a pity; cause though they always say that it's the thought that counts, how's the recipient supposed to know your thoughts to know whether they count unless you're able to adeptly convey them? :S Effective communication seems to be a general weakness in my family; and a major source of misunderstandings at times...we're able to get along perfectly well; then one of us opens our mouth, makes a passing comment - sometimes jokingly - which is then latched onto by someone else and the thing suddenly gets confrontational; may escalate into an argument and the mood gets really disgusting.

Probably something I should work on if I ever hope to have my intentions be understood; though sometimes, I may not even understand them myself xP

Breached

Oh, by and by; it seems like this sanctuary for my mind has been compromised by The Family. No idea how long this has been happening though.

Can't say I'm very comfortable with this; of having my little sister repeating quotes off here to me, or saying that some of my posts are "So cute". I'm not happy bout it; though I may not sound that way.

Not too sure what I'll be doing about it though; I could uproot myself, put in a password (though that wouldn't deter my brother for long; to him, passwords are merely a challenge to be confronted), limit the audience, lock it completely or simply do nothing at all.

We'll see after the Prelims, though I gain a measure of comfort from knowing that as a result of my second paragraph, all but the last course of action could likely lead to my littlest sister getting pummeled for "ruining everything with her big mouth".

The subconscious countdown ticks. 1. I can't help it, really :)

I'll avoid talking about such pedestrian issues as the degree of screwed-upness for the prelims; since that's a given.


I've managed to spend a little while messing around with Google Gravity which my bro introduced me to. Pretty cool I must say xP Everything falls down to the bottom of the screen; including search results (which are limited, of course) then you can use your mouse to flick them around as you wish! Coolest thing is that it can even sense if you turn your com and automatically make the pieces fall in that direction.
(Obviously engineered) Screenshot of some of my meddling below

 Quite low-res, I know, since I have no idea how to put up a screenshot other than copying over to Paint then scaling down. I'm open to suggestions, if there are any. On Chrome instead of the usual Firefox cause it just felt right. Give it a try if you've got a little time to burn.

I'm finding life at home surprisingly enjoyable. Isn't that lonely since the rest are usually home due to the September hols, and I really appreciate the additional opportunity to mess around with my family (though of course they can get horribly infuriating as well!). The only problem is finding it within myself to sit down and focus all my efforts on work; haven't been all too successful.

Minor bit of drama tonight: My maid saw this suspicious-looking guy loitering at the back of our row of houses from upstairs, so she turned out the lights and kept watch on him. Apparently, he went off; came back 15 mins later with some plastic bag and climbed over the back wall into the house neighbouring ours'. Obviously this was pretty suspicious behaviour; so my bro and me ran out (after ensuring we were suitably clothed; it's damn hot these days -.-) to the back to see what was going on. Trying to be as circumspect as possible, 以免打草惊蛇, we peered into the house and noticed that their back gate was ajar. We also heard the sound of furniture being moved around; "Perhaps by a burglar stumbling around in the dark?" an overactive imagination asked. Since there'd been a burglary at another house awhile ago, my bro (he's the brave, decisive one) made a call to the police to report the incident while the two of us remained watching over the back. Nothing seemed to be happening, though, and after awhile, some guy who was walking his dog passed by and asked us if we were waiting for anyone (we must have looked pretty suspicious, now that I think about it; standing around in the dark). When we answered in the affirmative, he said that he'd seen someone running out from the front towards the bus stop. Well, the Police arrived soon after, and the lights came on as well as my neighbours coincidentally got back at the same time. Statements were taken; and in the end, it seems highly likely that the guy in question was their maid's boyfriend "visiting" her while the owners my neighbours were out. Just a theory though.

Haha, disappointed? Well, I did say "minor", plus epic tales of heroism, 见义勇为ness and so on are only present in movies, books, as well as Primary School compos. So there >.<

Anyway; I'm in the mood for my random thoughts; so I'll just dump them here.

I used to think - perhaps a bit foolishly - that personality didn't matter; since it's possible for an individual to control what he (or she) does; and even control to some extent the way he thinks (read: positive/negative reinforcement for example) and acts. Think, for a very simplistic example, of the "bad guy turned good" trope that is so evident in literature. I'd question what personality actually was; the masks that we put on when we face others? (yes, that's a recurring theme) or the real face beneath. Quite some time back; I even got into an identity crisis of sorts, as I just sat there; mentally peeling back the layers like one might an onion, exfoliating myself; so to speak; and horror of horrors: I "realized" that there was nothing beneath, nothing overtly central or core to myself that was irreducible even when everything else had been stripped away.

A few months on, I think I can say that my thinking has matured. In part because I've associated with a number of "bad" personalities (I hesitate to say "bad people" as I believe that there are no truly bad people; just a whole lot of horribly mistaken ones) and one thing I've realized is that yes, they could easily choose to behave another way; but that it's impossible to judge a person in isolation from his choices. I have so many friends (heh, or maybe not that many); perfectly fine people, usually fun to be with; yet infuriating (to me) in their negativity. At first I'd keep making attempts to encourage them; and it works, for some. But there are those who never seem to change, despite all the effort put in; not only by me, but by others as well. And that kinda forced me to the realization that they're that way because they choose (consciously or not) to be that way. I'm not begrudging them that. I don't even know what the point of me saying this is. Probably simply to say that I really place value on these kinds of choices and cannot overstate the importance I place on them. Choices that determine destiny, or so they say.

And this belief has given me grounding, not only in the way I see others but also on a personal level. Where in the past I used to seek a definitive core pillar of "me-ness" which came out (rather immaturely I feel compelled to add) in so-called "golden rules" which I obstinately refused to violate - such as "To never tell lies" for example, or "To not put my interests before those of others" - simply because I wanted some element to grab ahold of in a world of shifting sand; I now realize (in quite a cliched fashion) that what I was looking for had been under my nose the whole time. That "me" that I seeked? Clearly visible when I'm walking along, see some rubbish on the floor and instinctively pick it up to throw away. Also visible; of course, when I could just as easily walk past some crap on the floor and not do anything about it. No need to make a point to myself by going all out to pick up everything that I come across. The same me who doesn't hesitate to offer help to a friend who seems to need it yet who sighs inwardly as my sister has yet another question she can't do and who somewhat imperiously commands her to come over that she may be enlightened. As I start to really pay attention to the choices I make; the way I react to things, I get a clearer picture of the person I am. And this following of trends in choices rather than the very absolutist way in which I used to carry(?) myself has made life a lot easier to live; way more enjoyable; way more appreciable. I do things because I feel (for whatever reason) like doing them; not to prove a point to myself; or - God forbid - other people. Life's much more open now; where I can say: "I am who I am; flawed, true; truly flawed; but me nonetheless" and only feel apologetic about it if I want to be.

Text wall, right? I'm not quite sure if I make much sense to a third-party, as all this is very much an internal train of thought; running on the convoluted tracks of my sulcus (cheem technical term for the crevices in our brains; thanks Google!). And I'm trying to put this certain view on life into words; which I am patently horrible at doing. Same thing goes for my narrative ability :)

Well, have any of you tried out Google Gravity?

You Are An Enigma To Me

Just wanted to share this link. Cheesy dialogue in the examples aside, I think that it's really meaningful, not only in romantic relationships but well...platonic(?) ones as well.

I haven't been able to complete a proper post recently; seems like that's only possible when I get an idea, sit down, and most importantly, don't let anything distract me till I'm done. Hehx, maybe I'm making this seem too much like a job. But that's only cause there's been so much I want to put down; random thoughts that have been festering in my head, as well as those that my brain simply churns out while in the shower; and there are alot of those, somehow the shower seems to be most conducive for my thinking...hmmm if only exams could be taken there xP

A friend asked me to do a peer evaluation for him a couple of hours ago. And to me; it was completely different from the evaluations I did up for my vice-capt and capt for that RD business. Why? I guess it's partially because he (or she) is a much closer friend; and when you - or at least I - stop for a moment to think about exactly what you know about those close to you, other than those stupid, albeit hilarious stuff which you did together, that's when the questions start rolling in.

There's always the feeling that you're not going deep enough; perhaps merely skimming the surface of the Mariana Trench. You know that there's got to be more to him (or her) than you see in the interactions you've had with him (no more her's; the pretense of gender equality got tiresome), that people put on different masks and personas around different groups of people (I'm not saying it's an act of deception btw), so really, it's impossible to "know" the whole spectrum of them. The worry that perhaps you're only acquainted with the most superficial aspects of him does persist; despite having some confidence in the relationship you two share.

No, I don't go around questioning the "reality" of what I perceive. It's pretty much an accepted fact; however you want to interpret that. Just something I thought was pretty interesting :)

So in the end, after a sortta agonizing 45 mins, I put together just a little over 300 words of my truest impressions of him; beginning with the awesome line: "XXX is a bit of an enigma to me."
I didn't attempt to fluff it up since I didn't want to dilute the sincerity of it; and well, to be honest, I don't think he needed it. He said that it gave him a "warm and fuzzy feeling" so I guess I can take it that I was more-or-less successful, in that what I wrote matched his perception of himself; either that or (rather more cynically) it matched what he wanted others to perceive him as xP
Just kidding, wouldn't have written it for him if I had felt that way~

We all seek an understanding that few (if any) of us will ever obtain. But sometimes I wonder, is it truly that bad a thing?

The reason why blogger should have a "listening to:" field

Won't ever grow sick of this same old song :)

Some things have an expiry date to them; days, months, years? It is only those that carry emotions and powerful memories that remain forever in our hearts, even when everything else is turned to dust.

Last day of proper lessons. I guess it didn't really sink in; some rushing off after getting those PW markers' comments back, till only 10 or so of us were left in class. Savoring the atmosphere of one of the last few times we'll just be hanging around in class, talking about stuff that eludes my memory right now. Horribly mundane, really, but something that will be dearly missed. What's up next, I wonder? I can't even begin to guess, the past week has been wholly unpredictable. Quite interesting to see how people react to stress; really.

I applaud the dedication of CNA towards the covering of the Presidential elections. Like okay, I understand that you have that slot of airtime set aside; and that you don't really have much to work with, but when your're repeating "news" - in the loosest sense of the word - culled shamelessly from Twitter, it's just sad..

Picture practically speaks for itself..

Haven't been following the PE so actively, but can't say I've been horribly impressed by what I've seen. The general impression just doesn't have the kind of dignity I'd expect of a Presidential Election. So much contention - understandable, of course - but the result doesn't seem conducive for future work and progress..How can you have a president who actually gets booed at by the people? We look set to find out.

"Don't lose sight of the bigger picture in pursuit of your selfish ambitions." Useful reminder, thanks :)
Sometimes a horse needs to put on blinkers, so it can run fast and far; but humans aren't horses, nor do we have the "luxury" of being steered by someone who presumably has a better idea of where to go, what to do.

We, and only we are masters of our fates, captains of our soul; so we'd better know, where we really want to go. So that, I don't know, we don't wind up at our "Promised Land" only to shed those blinkers; look around blearily in the brightness of the sun, only to find ourselves bereft of everything we care about. Or perhaps find that in the process of blind pursuit; that the acts we've committed, choices we've made, have irrevocably changed us, in not so desirable ways.

Of course, there is a certain tendency to overstate/over-exaggerate the seriousness of this, since it's only rarely that that "worst-case scenario" would come about.

How very adult.

[I've deleted a chunk; partially out of self-censorship, and partially out of the hope that I'll feel differently in time soon to come.]

No wonder then, that I look upon the past favorably, when things weren't so motivated; were more innocent, dare I say? When you have no particular reason for doing something; it makes the act itself so much more meaningful. An openness was present then, and I fear the same can't be said for now.

If I told you that it's fine to be open; that it's fine cause I don't want anything of you at all; would you believe me, I wonder? Or just stare at me, giving me that "WTF IS HE SMOKING" look that I'm way too accustomed to?

Google detects "unusual traffic from your [my] computer network" apparently, and has seen fit to block my access for much of the day. Way to go, Google (Y) Irrational rage aside, there are some very valid reasons why Google should be feared. As a personal anecdote, my sister used to be a satisfied user of gmail till a few months ago till her account was frozen due to some weird problem regarding her age, and some credit card information as well as personal particulars were demanded to unfreeze it.  Pretty messed up, right? Yet ironically, I'll still continue using gmail, continue to use google as my preferred search engine and blogger for this, cause it's just convenient that way..

Just a thought I had over the weekend:

Life's pretty much a zero-sum game, when you get down to it. Everything we strive to obtain, all those achievements we struggle so hard to...well...achieve; most - if not all - of them come at the expense of someone else. I'm not advocating that we work any less harder to let others have the opportunity; that'd be the height of foolishness, imo, but I do think that an understanding/realization of that point is really important. Armed with this understanding, we "consume" with gratitude, with respect for those whom we deprive, and make full use of what we've gained.

Pretty random, so I just decided to keep it to a short snippet.

On a more humorous note; my sister apparently professed to have dreamt about dropping the iPad while she was asleep. Meta-dreams aside, the hilarious part was when my mum walked in and said that she had actually dropped the iPad. Complete coincidence or calculated attempt to deflect blame? We shall never know xD


Had an awesome dinner at my aunt's house today, cooked by my uncle :D They've got things sorted out so well; a seemingly perfect balance between discipline and freedom the bringing up of my cousins that it's no wonder why I occasionally find myself looking towards them as a "model" family of sorts. Unhealthy comparisons ttm.

And finally; I've broken 6, gushed past 7, and hit 8. I'll get to the double-digits soon!

New Beginnings

Swallow the bitterness, and move on. The mayfly dream was beautiful while it lasted; gossamer wings flashing in the sunlight.

Heh, it all happened so fast; triggered off by an impossibly inane sequence of events. I won't go so far to say that it's over; and it's good that over the past day or so; I've thought hard - and not to mention fast - about what I want to do, and more importantly, how I'm going to achieve it. Directionality, so to speak. So I'll let it go with a hint of regret; that things couldn't be taken further, that perhaps I didn't work hard enough in the past to warrant its fruition.

The past is over; the present is now, and the future is looming. Now I guess it's time to summon that energy to face it.

That aside, expectations can be pretty harmful at times. Even though you know those expectations can be totally unfounded, utterly groundless; it's in my nature - or human nature even, perhaps - to harbour hope. And y'know, the more you expect, the more you set yourself up for disappointment.

Yet I've got to admit that it's when you harbour those wildly unjustified expectations, and when someone against the odds comes through on them for you; that you feel a giddy sense of excitement, a wordless gratitude. I don't ask this of everyone, most of the time, I don't ask for anything at all. It's only those special few who get that dubious "privilege", and I earnestly hope they ask the same of me as well.

"You know you're an adult, not just when you're able to put the needs of others above your own, but when you're able to do it without giving a single thought to what they "owe" you in return. You realize that, at some point you weren't even aware of, you became the tap instead of the bucket. And then you look back and hate your younger self for living under the delusion that somehow a world full of buckets could function."

-John Cheese

Really striking. And it saddens me to think that it's probably quite true that there will be some - or even many - who'll never really ever "grow up". Link's to the entire article, the quote's the penultimate paragraph.

I whittled away a merry hour or so reading this online novella called "Bartender" by DOB; a pretty cool writer at Cracked. Thought it was pretty hilarious, so I'll be linking it at the side. I'm not bothering with a synopsis cause I doubt I'd be able to do the story justice, so just click over to the first chapter and see if it's to your liking.
Disclaimer: Do not read if you absolutely abhor dick jokes and their ilk.
Edit: Or actually, even if you do, do take a look. Who knows, you may change your mind xP

The interesting things one finds on the net xP

Focus on the "Sting Factor" column. I find it amusing how someone actually went to quantify the sensation of being stung by various bugs (not trying to be scientific here..) and actually came up with an index describing the exact sensation. I tried looking for the full article, but apparently that needs some paid subscription to some online journal library which I decidedly do not possess, so here's the wiki link instead: Schmidt Sting Pain Index

The scale goes from 0.0 to 4.0, with 0.0 being almost no pain at all, and 4.0+ being "Pure, intense, brilliant pain"; which does seem remarkably similar to that GPA system we had in RI, does it not?

Even more laudable is the way he goes about the business of getting stung by bugs like a true professional; going to painstaking lengths to describe each experience in excruciating detail. He seems like quite the connoisseur xP

One of the more interesting ones:
When describing an insect ranked 4.0: "...immediate, excruciating pain that simply shuts down one's ability to do anything, except, perhaps, scream. Mental discipline simply does not work in these situations."

As a Bio student, and one having to come up with those sickening SPA Planning answers at that, I can't help but wonder: Did he bother with the repeats and replicates? To check for reproducibility of results, y'know.

It's amazing the effect a couple of words can have on me. At the sight of them, my eyes perk up; my spirits liven; I settle down a little more into my chair (as much as is possible with a straight-backed one), and ready myself for a good read. And you rarely disappoint.

There's a certain spirit in that work, a certain dedication embedded, that I'd like to be able to replicate in mine. Yet, I don't think I'll be able to. I find what I write a little too self-absorbed, too audience-unfriendly, if you know what I mean (and you will, won't you, having read so much of this stuff).

Haha anyway, I messed up the SGC. Only realized it was due 7pm after asking Angela at 6.34. After that, I panicked, opened my mouth; and a stream of utter BS escaped from it, coalescing onto my computer screen. An exercise in pointlessness, is it not? To see who can get the least utility out of those 1800 characters. Characters, seriously. Like fine, penalize a guy for having a long name for all you want, and perhaps the readers have braved hypen-hell for too long, and requested, nay, demanded liberation from it. Maybe it's the only way to counter enterprising/desperate students who have done oh-so-much that they practically have to cram their SGC till it's bursting at the seams, and have resorted to excessive hyphenation, contractions, brackets, headers, footers and god-knows-what.

Hmmph but it's only when they get me to put things down on paper that what I've accomplished in my JC life appears to be so paltry and insubstantial. But screw them. If I've learnt anything, it's that JC life is about the experience; it's not a laundry list of things and stunning achievements. It's something that's greater than the sum of it's individual components, and it contains not only the quantifiable; but the unquantifiable as well. And well, prospective employers-to-be, if you miss out on all that because my SGC failed to impress; some might say it's my loss, I guess, but who knows, it could be your loss as well, nameless cog in the machine that I may be. Cause I'd make a damn good nameless cog.

I'm not making sense anymore, so it ends here.

Happy Birthday Singapore =)

I'll always love you, imperfections and all.

Heh, sometimes I wonder what love is, and isn't that the most simple answer? A connection shared, between you and me, of memories past, a future faced together; fates inextricably intertwined. Not begrudging of what flaws may be present, yet at the same time not accepting things as they are, challenging each other to challenge the status quo, to surpass current limitations and advance through mutual effort. It doesn't have to be rational - so many things in this world aren't anyway - it just is.

I didn't write about this earlier, but attending that NDP preview really helped me reaffirm my love for this country, which I think is a really important thing. I guess that deep down, as we go about our daily lives, we all know that for some reason or other, we all (most of us, at least) love Singapore, yet this love does tend to get drowned out by those everyday happenings - those small and not-so-small incidents that have been cause for concern - as well as a preoccupation with our individual lives. So cliched or lame as it may be, the NDP and on a larger scale, the celebration of National Day in my opinion, serves as a good reminder of the various things we love about this small island nation, and does a good job of unifying the people to tackle the challenges ahead, especially after recent potentially divisive/highly polarising events (read: the General Elections). So good call, PAP, and former MM Lee XD (cause I realized after a little googling that apparently the "emeritus" title is only applied to SM Goh? correct me if I'm wrong..)

Just gotta learn to say "No"

Waking up after a 5 hour alcohol-induced slumber, I guess I finally realize that I can't help everyone, no matter how much I want to be able to take away all that pain. Some people are blackholes, basically - you can keep on giving, putting in effort, and it won't make a difference. They'll keep sucking and sucking till you're dry. Nothing will change. Not one of my better experiences.

I saw this book in the RJ library about "vampires" while looking for this book by Machiavelli. But rather than being those sparkly shirtless Twilight vampires (I confess; I've never even touched the book or even let myself get close to a theatre screening the movie) it dealt with those vampires who prey on your emotions. And maybe I should take a look at that book sometime, cause it seems like I'm a sucker for them and their tricks (pun intended).

All it comes down to, eventually, is whether you think it's all worth it or not. And you know, as I walked away at 3.30 initially, I thought it really wasn't that bad at all. But after getting a sms from the aforementioned friend "Im nvr going out in grps again" who freaking organized the whole damn thing, and now having to do some catch-up on econs with a buzzing at the back of my head, I'm really questioning the value of what I've done. It isn't the first time, and idk whether it'll be the last.

I really want to be the kind of person who'd drop what they're doing to give a friend a hand, but it's really really irritating when that thought isn't appreciated (note that I'm not even talking about reciprocation; here I don't usually expect that much). It just makes me feel used, before being tossed aside.

In the here and now

Time is the great leveler.
In Time, even the greatest heights of passion may crumble,
In Time, even the most cavernous depths of sorrow may be filled in.
Joy dissipates, pain fades, eventually, as all is to dust.
Memory, perhaps, is all that we're left with, clung onto desperately,
but even that is merely transient as human existence.
Everything is nothing, in the face of Time.

And yet humans are nothing if not creatures of the present, albeit a little more future-orientated than most. Anything and everything is felt most intensely, no matter how short-lived it may be, as is the way things should be. For if we should pause to consider the significance of this temporal existence before that unstoppable juggernaut of Time, well there'd practically be nothing to speak of, now would there?

So I've decided to live in the here and now, take whatever may come, be it rain or shine, it's all beautiful. Cause beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, and this beholder knows how undesirable the alternatives are.

I think I'm getting more and more incomprehensible, maybe a side effect of the drought of interaction :D

MY EYES THEY BURNN. Of all the shit I've seen on the net (a not insubstantial amount) this takes the (shit)cake hands-down. AoC fanfiction, really?!?

There's gotta be a way to unsee that, right? Now where's that brain bleach...

Should have known better than to click on that link...

The easy way out

"The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity."
-George Bernard Shaw

But indifference is so much easier on the heart and soul, is it not?

My problem isn't that I can't empathize with others; nor do I have much trouble getting along with people. It's simply that on many occasions, I find myself unable to make meaningful connections, no matter how much I may want to. Those that I do manage to forge, I let dissipate a little too easily. Heh, thinking about right after I typed it, the use of the word "forge" seems pretty appropriate, don't you think? The duality of the meaning doesn't escape me:
 1: To form or make through concerted effort, the idea of something strong and lasting
2: To imitate and fabricate

And sometimes I find myself wondering whether what I'm doing is the former or the latter. Whether what we're building is a ziggurat that can weather the test of time or merely a rote imitation of the form with none of the actual substance. It's so hard to tell at times, especially because that "substance" which I speak of so easily is not something that's exactly tangible, nor isolatable for close scrutiny.

I realize, of course that it's highly likely that it's because I'm asking myself these sorts of questions that I'm facing my current problem, but that's a Catch 22, now isn't it?

Strangely, or perhaps not so, I find that the more I care, the harder I find it to take action (forgive me for being intentionally vague, though it has been a recurring theme). It's just that because I care, I desperately want to get everything right, and that kind of engenders doubt and hesitation, which ironically enough, serve to deprive me of my desired outcome. A new approach is needed, it seems; yet personalities don't change overnight, and a forced change just doesn't seem that appealing.

I leave you with an interesting quote (thanks Henhouse!) that I find directly related to introspection in a really tongue-in-cheek manner:

"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package"
Heh, so what about a (wo)man? Methinks that package could be pretty interesting xD

In my happy place

School may be monotonous; morning spent enclosed within those 4 walls, afternoons stuck within that cubicle, head buried, intent, nary a word said to another individual. The ride home; stuck within that metal box, jostling with fellow commuters to get the privilege of being squashed together like sardines. And I turn inwards, upon myself. But when I look out, a new sunset, one I've never quite seen before, and probably never will again. The path home, so well traveled and familiar, yet with subtly noticeable differences. Wonders and marvels abound, a rich wealth of sensations to be tapped upon.

I guess that's the reason I get out of bed for everyday; to meet a brand new day, a sunrise I've never seen before, always something fresh and new, if you just know where to look for it, intriguing developments, while other things remain the same, blissfully so, in fact.

And now onto GP, lest I be sucked into that vicious and all-too-familiar cycle of sleep deprivation all over again. And just after I'd put some hours into that bank too! *hmm maybe I should try to cajole some sort of interest out of it, or maybe direct them towards more profitable enterprises instead*

Blah, it sucks to be an incompetent perfectionist

All I do over the weekend is sleep, apparently. If I wanted to be superfluous about it, I'd probably describe it as clocking hours into the sleep bank in preparation for the coming week. 

My brother's involved in this exchange program with a school in Taiwan so we have this student staying with us for the next week or so. He's pretty interesting, so not too bad. The slightly amusing thing is that he gets car-sick really easily, so we've been limiting the places we've brought him to to those which are nearby. 

I'd never been to Woodlands Waterfront before; only known vaguely that the up-there's had been putting some ka-ching into redeveloping it. It's turned out pretty good,  imo. Nice and cooling, what with the large body of water nearby, and there's an excellent view of Malaysia across the straits. It's pretty well-lit, surprisingly xD

There's this pier extending out, along which we saw quite a number of people who'd set up their fishing poles for some night-fishing (which has incidentally always been one of my dreams) and even this old man who had made this net for catching crabs from up on the pier. Haha, it basically consisted of a stiff-looking mesh net attached to around 3 bamboo poles tied to each other end-to-end. He had it poised just above the water while staring intently into the dark depths, with some cool-looking blinkers (like those you'd see on racehorses) attached to his specs to block out the ambient light, watching for the movements indicative of crabs rising up to the surface, I have no idea what for. He'd then scoop it up with that improvised net. Seems a little far-fetched, right? But he seemed pretty experienced at it, and when we got back, having walked to the end of the pier, we did see this little crab swimming not-so-merrily in his little blue bucket, so his method works, I guess.

Yup, I'd definitely want to go back some other time, talk a walk along the promenade with a friend or two. It's not the beach, there's no sand, and it's definitely not ECP, but it still seems like a pretty awesome place to hangout, have some recreation, and perhaps idly contemplate how long it might take to swim across to M'sia. (Hey why not, if Mas Selemat could make it xP)

The face of insanity

Had this creepy encounter while I was taking the MRT home today that really freaked me out. Coming back from Tian Yuan's exhibition, I was so tired that I just slept and overshot my station to end up at Yew Tee. Not that big a deal, I just went over to the opposite platform, boarded the train, took out my phone and started playing Henhouse. I was pretty engrossed in the game, had just beat Merv's timing (HA TAKE THAT!) and was starting another round when this heavily accented voice thundered at me, disrupting my concentration.

"What game is that?"
*looks up into this pair of intense looking eyes*
"Um it's called henhouse"
"How do you win it?"
"Well, you have to press the numbers from 1 to 100 as fast as possible"
*starts to feel uncomfortable so I looked back down and resumed playing*
"Faster!"
"Faster!"
"FASTER!"
"FASTER!"

and that angmoh guy just kept on screaming at me. I was thinking what the shit lah, freaking scary okay...what's his problem. I didn't dare to say anything though, it just felt like one of those cases where it's best to do nothing. And I crawled off the MRT 2 stops later, relieved to escape from what I see to be a certified lunatic. Seriously.

Tian Yuan's art exhibition was amazing, but I'll save that for sometime when I've recovered from the trauma of getting yelled at by a complete stranger on the MRT.

Talking about insanity, it'd be pretty darn hard to leave out Mr Ngan, who's now the self-styled dictator/authoritarian-leader/Pharaoh of our class. It's like all the wrong buttons have been pushed, and he's out to make a point with a completely over-the-top manic energy. Everyone laughs because we're waiting in horrid fascination & anticipation of what's piece of craziness is going to emerge next, enthralled by that unique brand of insanity like meek rats pinned beneath a snakes unflinching gaze.

I am embarrassed.

I just finished typing out the most incomplete pile of BS I have ever crapped out in a long, long time. And remember, that's counting even the most inane of blog posts. Damn RD.

I'm a hypocrite, I guess, since I find myself condemning it right after devoting much of the time after school ended yesterday to churning it out. I'm actually not too appalled by the Cognitive one I wrote up, but the C&L one was simply terrible and shall not be mentioned from this point on. Bleh.

Off to bed, this sleep deprivation can't last any longer.

Don't you find it just freaking hilarious? The number of words we speak to each other within a single day is probably less than that paltry amount of words which you just read up there. And that's with us being in the same room for at least half the day. I can't help but wonder what'll happen after school ends. Go figure.

My eyes are open

Came home after a pretty fulfilling day - not too unproductive, too! (Y) - to plonk myself down on the floor and just fall asleep. Can't believe I slept so long, lol. But when I came downstairs after waking up (at 12, no less!), showering and whatnot, intent on doing up those pesky RD reflections, first thing I see is my sister sitting at the table, cradling her head in her hands, staring cluelessly at her math. Haix apparently she was going to just fill in rubbish if I hadn't just happened to come down to help her.

On a more positive note:

Thanks Soon Hong for inadvertently making my (yester)day XD

Quick personality test (since those seem all the rage atm) :

Think of 3 animals, 3 favourite animals or whatever. Just the first 3 to come to your head.

[Analysis...after a short intermission]

 

So freaking cute

Haha yeah. So anyway, the first animal's what people see you as, the second's what you see yourself as, and the third's what you really are, apparently.

Interesting; if pointless little test. My answer was Rhino, Hippo, Lion in case you're interested. Was just thinking of African animals, but somehow the first two seem like they kind of fit. Not so sure about that last one, though...

I think I have said this before, but I'm still infinitely thankful for the fact that no matter how emo, cut-off or distant I feel, I still haven't lost the heart and am not so jaded that I'm unable to appreciate the goodness around me. I'm still touched by those acts of kindness (small or otherwise) which my friends do for me.

And yet at the same time, I realize that this world isn't kind to the soft and pure of heart (I'm not speaking of myself, btw. I've been indelibly and irrevocably tainted, that I know). Open yourself too much, allow yourself to feel too deeply, be too sensitive, and you're bound to be hurt sooner or later. Besides that, there's a kind of corrupting effect, where the world simply presses in from all sides, battering and weakening even the strongest of resolves. Most harden themselves, in one way or another, to stand up to this pressure. But it's the rare few who don't, who allow themselves to remain vulnerable, who feel everything so intensely, pain and joy, who will never hesitate to do what they feel is the right thing, defend a friend from another's constant jibes instead of merely laughing along; those rare few are those I find truly special, and simply knowing someone like that, and having him as a friend already makes me feel a little more proud of myself.

Already, the wind blows, shifting patterns in the sand.
My eyes open, I'm seeing clearly, once again.
But some sand's gotten into these open eyes,
So forgive me if I tear, just a little, no more.

Sorry, but raising children isn't like multi-level marketing. Just cause you raise ONE kid decently (shock, I know, but at least you don't see me running around committing a spree of homicides, do you?) doesn't mean that you can leave the rest to him and allow it to continue ad infinitum, hoping for it to miraculously churn out well-balanced kids like some perverse manufacturing line. Things just don't work that way.

You're physically and mentally exhausted from work, I understand. Your patience has worn thin from dealing with anxious, worried, perhaps unreasonable people the entire day, that I understand as well. But that doesn't mean you get to thrust the responsibility of guiding your child onto someone else, IMO. In my honest opinion, no parent has the right, no matter what, to simply say: "I'm tired, and you can see how I can't handle her at all, so YOU do it, learn how to be a responsible brother"

And I try, you know, I really do. Explanations, over and over, trying to be patient, even though I find myself repeating the same thing to her so very frequently. Dealing with the lack of discipline by having to force myself to take on an authoritarian countenance. But nothing can really substitute what you fail (or should I say refuse?) to give.

Honestly, I sometimes find this disgust and revulsion welling up within me as I see you playing that Wordshaker app with her, starting those Korean drama marathons, which you should really know better than to do. I do my best to suppress it, but it gets so strong, at times, and I just want to scream shout out that things can't continue like this. But something stays my hand. It's the knowledge that shouting never helped, and never will. So I keep it in, and imbibe the lessons within myself, resolve that if anything, those are the qualities that I will do my darn-est to never, ever emulate.

What children want isn't material wealth, good food, or anything like that. Is that so hard to understand? I know you get that, can tell from the hint of sadness behind your eyes as we speak, uncharacteristically, about those less superficial things.

So tell me, am I unreasonable in my demands, my expectations?

Don't make me wait like that; it's not very nice xP

Yet another beautiful moon up tonight, and I can't even to begin to wonder why.

Could easily have died to stupidity in LT2 today; I'm pretty fortunate in that respect: though I frequently think about how vulnerable our human lives really are; I've proved pretty resilient to the mishaps I've faced, up till now that is..

Just Winging It

I don't think words would suffice to describe the peculiarly poignant feelings that overcame me as I walked about - and subsequently left - the uni fair today.

I didn't really have a strong reason to go, but went anyway, harboring hopes, perhaps, of finding some measure of direction and a clear aim to direct my efforts towards, to give me motivation. Perhaps I expected too much. As I went around, seeing the names of unis I hadn't previously known, passing through the throngs of people, with the occasional swarms gathered around the particularly renowned among the lot (those I took care to avoid), a feeling of lost-ness came upon me, a sense of a spirit drifting where it doesn't belong. All those people seemingly knowing what they were there for, so purposeful in their actions, the parents forceful in their questioning, and there I was, unsure, really, of even the course I wanted to take, not to mention when/where I wanted to take it.

After awhile, I gathered myself; mustered my courage, and fed myself the spiel which I would adopt for the rest of the day: "I'm interested in taking Biomed Sciences, but don't really want to do research." And so I made my rounds, repeating that mantra at a few booths, presenting those same few queries, obtaining answers which were really not unexpected, nothing special there. And I left.

What really struck me was the realization that for me at least, there's no magical confluence of factors that will scream: THIS IS IT! Perhaps I haven't probed deep enough, but as I went around, listening in on what some of the students had to say, I gradually began to admit to myself that no matter how much I found out about any single uni, I probably wouldn't find one that "called to me" as they put it. You know how at those talks they'll caution you to "choose a college that suits your needs, personality" and so on? It gives the overriding impression that there is a "right choice" to be made, if only one is diligent enough in searching for it.

But there isn't.

And I find the whole idea inconceivably frightening. Not the kind of outright fear one may feel when watching a horror film, but rather the kind that simply insidiously gnaws at you, undermining one's conviction and confidence. Don't you see? College life is going to determine much of our future, yet we're gonna be just "winging it". It's impossible to know everything, have all the facts at one's disposal before making the choice, and it may even be a choice that's amusingly enough, based simply on which unis we've arbitrarily decided to do a little more research into. And it'll shape us, one way or another.

It's not so much that I fear making the wrong choice, but rather that I instinctively know that there's no right one. Whatever I do, there'll always be opportunity costs, so to speak, and after the event, I'll never know whether I'd made the best choice or not.

Is this my cowardice showing? Heh I don't have the confidence of those who can say with certainty that they want to go to XYZ place, nor do I have the sheer chutzpah of those who are unfaltering what'er may come. I'm fraught with indecision.

But this is all a momentary thing, I believe. Cause what Mr Ngan said was wrong (and I say this with no particular vehemence): it's not a path that becomes clear to us as we proceed through life but rather walls that rise from the dirt, creating a corridor where there once was an open plain. It is only that as we go through life, each and every choice we make will invariably limit the future options open to us, and the process continues, halting earlier for some than others. Some find themselves set on the path for life, while others, through a series of unwise decisions, find themselves treading a hair-thin line between life and death, if not walking themselves into a cul de sac. 

I paint a bleak picture, methinks, one that might be entirely representative of reality. But despite my cowardice; for all that I may hesitate before taking that next step, I won't look back once I do, cause that's not the way forwards, is it?

The last desperate clutch at sanity

Gradually, my favorite time of the day's come to be those few minutes as I walk home from the MRT.
Not because I'm reaching home, where those creature comforts reside, along with that creature I call my sister...she's just so unpredictable...and those mood swings...sometimes she's the most angelic little sister one could ever wish for and then there are those times when she's just a complete b!tch, especially when she's PMSing me...

But rather because it's the only time I get to indulge in my senses; which are just so muted throughout the monotony of school. Pull out those earphones, really pay attention to the sounds of the cars passing, those insects that just create this absolute racket at night. Appreciate the silhouette of the trees against the evening sky, the play on the streetlights on the leaves, the very slight tinge of blue that the evening brings to everything. I don't really smell much, since I take special care in making my detour to avoid most of those smokers, but the air's pretty fresh as well, despite the decent traffic volume. So I take my time to make my way home, stopping every now and then to take in the surroundings, enjoying the quiet time with myself (being in the library doesn't count!)

I'll always lament the fact that I couldn't be arsed to learn how to use those high-end cameras properly, since I always find myself witness to beautiful scenes of the moment, which I simply know that I won't be able to capture adequately with my iPhone's puny camera. If the sight I behold can't be captured exactly as I envision it, in just the right amount of detail with the perfect amount of blurring, then what's the point, right? It'd just be an insult to it. I try to commit them to memory, yet my brain isn't the best receptacle for such stuff. I remember finding today's moon especially appealing; a low-lying full moon, edges distinct, "craters" visible, (though Sing Yee may say otherwise) framed by those short shop-houses across the road. Haha but of course my description is wholly insufficient, and my previous attempts to get some pictures using our camera just produced this homogenous white speck in the sky, so that's a pity..

There's no time anymore, and I'm not talking about time left till the A's. With only 2 freaking free periods each week, and practically everyone running off to do their own stuff (not that I don't understand their reasons though) after school, there's been not much time for quality interaction with classmates & friends. Pretty much the only human interaction I get is the really casual stuff in class, with the occasional HTHT with the same few people. We've pretty much got to the point where much has already been said, and things start to become repetitive. There's too little time to even try to get to know those I don't know that well a little better, since everything seems pretty much cast in stone by now, and it doesn't seem worth investing the effort required to raise that chisel to chip away at the rock to make those most inconsequential of changes that could vanish the very next day, like markings in the sand with the coming of the wind, transient as they are. The general consensus seems to be that we've not made much headway throughout the course of the previous year, and with only these last desperate few months to go, why start overtly bothering now?

That reasoning's perfectly sound, though, and who am I to argue?

Frozen durian is totally awesome. Go try it out, since it seems to be in season now. Impending stomachache from over consumption ><

GP Tutors can't do Math, But so can't I

Is that even proper sentence structure? Somehow, I don't really care. Not like someone's gonna be grading this and annotating the sides with little g's and p's are they? So I'll use these semicolons wherever I want, and sentence structure be damned ;)

It's a pretty good indicator of how much I don't care anymore that when I got GP back today, I merely resigned myself to totaling up those paltry marks on the cover sheet and dulled flogged my brain to try to recall what the lower limit for a "C" was. It took Yifan who was sitting beside me to notice at one glance that the marks had been added up wrongly, and it was horrendously off. I still find it pretty amusing that all it took was a little stroke added to the base of that "2" and a little scribble by it to validate the change, bumping it up 2 grades.

So yes, Pn is true, GP tutors indeed aren't good at math at all. Since I didn't notice myself, requiring Yifan to point it out to me, the second clause must be pretty true as well. Those nightmare-inducingly retarded mistakes I made in Math only serve to prove the point. And it wasn't even complex math...it must require a special kind of phail to be able to do integration, differentiation and whatnot well enough yet be unable to even get those most basic of operations right. Seriously.
1/2 f(x) = y => f(x) = y/2 ?
5(2-5u) = 10-5u?

I could just go hide my face in shame.

Haha but don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly depressed about this. It's just therapeutic to fling everything out like this, rather than keeping it inside. And friends, no matter how good, do tend to get tired of relentless whining after awhile. So doing this is actually win-win for all parties involved.

Rather than feeling depressed, I'm actually pretty motivated to do well in the prelims. I won't leave some weak-sounding comment like "we'll see whether this motivation carries through" since now is not the time for such weak-mindedness. I'll jolly well do it, though it may be helpful if some reminders came in from time to time *hinthint*

I dropped by the RJ range during RI's training after doing some work in the library today. I haven't been there in forever; the last time was one of the last few trainings in the run-up to the nats if I remember correctly. I'd almost forgotten how much I liked the place. The slightly stuffy smell of suits that've been fermenting on the rack as far back as I remember (they've started getting rid of them, which is a pity, there's history in those suits), the scent of gun oil which we'd been taught to liberally apply onto the guns in Sec 1 (can't have them rusting!) and the pervasive tang of lead particles in the air. This little patch of RJ that I've been familiar with since I stepped into RI 5/6 years ago, and that I held "dominion" over for just about 3 years as QM from Sec 3 till J2. Heh, to be able to say that with pride isn't something which I would have expected from myself 1 year back, just goes to show how much one's mindset can change, for the better, I must say, if only you allow yourself to.

Other things have changed as well. I can't shoot for nuts now, though I wasn't fantastic to begin with. My Sec 1s are very likely better than I was, and the Sec 4s who're coming up to RJ next year look to be stronger than ever. It's made me consider my contributions to the club of course, but I'm still indescribably pleased that the future looks bright for Raffles Shooting. A Raffles Shooting that has no need for a relic like me :S

"What am I to do, when I love something so much, yet am so hopelessly incompetent at it?"

A question I'd mull over endlessly, pricking my heart with endless needles. Yet I've grown up, I think. Call it a failure's self-consolation, if you will. However, trying so hard without achieving any discernible results has driven me to see value in the process rather than the results. This has proven to be invaluable each time I've had to get up after a failure, brush myself off, and try again. It's a lesson I've fought hard to carve into my body, and it'll serve me well in the days to come.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

On a more trivial note, I don't really get what's with me and falling down. It's as if my butt has made numerous appointments with the ground and is ever so eager in keeping those appointments each time I participate in PE. I just happen to trip a lot, is what I'm trying to say.
Hey butt, I know you can't really help it, but at least try to stop meeting the ground behind my back, k? It kinda hurts..

Haha, I was taking my usual detour home today past this badminton/sepak takraw court when this little girl perched on the referee seat suddenly exclaimed: "Look, there are flowers!"

I'm pretty sure it wasn't directed at me but chuckled nonetheless cause it was just that funny. I really didn't expect her to immediately shout/raise her voice at me, "Hey! What're you laughing at!!"

I didn't reply, of course, merely chuckled somemore and walked on.

It's quite a wistful feeling, seeing such child-like fearlessness. Kinda reminded me of what I was like when I was a kid; not scared of much; except the dark, the Monster Under the Bed and injections, obviously. A world of difference apart is the present me, obsessing over the barest hint of a frown or some other sign of displeasure.

I'm just vaguely pissed that life seems so much different than it was for those generations before us.

When I was young, my grandfather would tell me about his career, how he went to Malaysia to pick up some skills from a relative in the construction industry, came back to Singapore and managed to carve out a job for himself (sorry for the sketchiness of the details, my memory fails me). And I'd nod along, as young kids are wont to do, cause I didn't know any better. But now, what really strikes me, and which is something I respect my grandparents for, is how they were able to so successfully raise their 4 children through their hard work and determination.

Yet increasingly, I get the impression that that's just not sufficient anymore. Perhaps it's because of late, (and by that I mean the past few years) my parents, and most especially my father, have been trying to impress upon us the importance of investing, of "growing" one's money. And as I see them taking up loans to make the aforementioned investments, as they offhandedly joke about how us siblings may have to take up the remaining debt once we start working, all I can think is: "When did all this become necessary? When did hard, honest work stop being enough to raise and ensure a good life for your family?"

I'm not questioning my parents' intentions. I know that they only want the best for us, and that they think it's the best way to achieve it, and that they just think that that's the best way to achieve it. But the message that sends couldn't be any clearer: All that you do in school won't be enough. Even if you work hard all your life, so long as you're working "stupid", you won't make enough money.

Now, I'm not that materialistic a person, I don't hanker after a lifestyle of excessive excess. But it's pretty much an undeniable fact that money greases the rails of life, makes things so much easier. I'm not so much concerned with my life, but that of my family. (assuming I have one in the future) I don't want them to have to worry about or have their aspirations be limited by monetary concerns. And now, achieving that seems quite a remote possibility without forcing myself to develop some investor sense, and be willing to gear, leverage and whatnot, profiting from someone else's loss; all things which I inherently know I'm not cut out to do.

But whatever. Maybe my expectations are simply overly high. I have no idea what reality is like, afterall.

The traditional kampung games thing after school today was vaguely amusing. 5 stones with small pointy rocks, ice cream stick battling, and I got head-shotted during Bola Rambut. Heh you should be able to tell how much I actually learned from my ability (or lack thereof) to recall most of the names of the games :D

Because phail is hereditary

Kang Yan: Get away from me or I'll kick you in the crotchet!!!
Me: *rolls eyes*

Wings

Laps up, laps down, the same stretch of water, repetitive, yet not in a bad way. I'm not a strong swimmer, so there was alot to work on, and it was quite enjoyable to focus solely on improving my stroke.  I normally only attempt frog-style since I've never been able to get free-style down, don't have the stamina to even think of doing butterfly, and backstroke don't seem like a good idea in a pool full of people, it was a Saturday afternoon, afterall. But this time, seeing all the uberly fit dudes surging past me with their oh-so-refined freestyle, I was kind of motivated to do a little practice. It was kind of pathetic how easily I ran out of breathe, but it eventually got better...kinda. I went from being able to sustain it for half a lap to just barely a full lap. Heh, I'm working on it.

Swimming gives a really shiok feeling, and my mind just blanks out while doing it, which just makes it even better. I'll try to do this on a regular basis.

I had this whole section typed out but I'm not going to post it cause it just didn't feel right. Kind of how fresh milk turns sour and rancid when you leave it out in the open for too long. The moment is past, and that's it, I guess. I may come back to it again sometime, but that's up to chance. 


I can't hold a candle to you. Cause you're brilliant, like the sun. If I get too close, these waxen wings of mine will melt and fall apart. I just can't reach you. So go on, ever higher, while I grow wings of my own to give chase, as I stand rooted to the ground, head craned towards the sky.

So forgive me if I'm a little callus

Enlightenment.

I think I now know what I've been building myself up to. Steel (Still) the heart, as with each passing day, I allow myself to die a little more inside. I need this, ironically, if I'm to do what needs to be done.

The establishment of a routine to make it all bearable is necessary, so I implore -no, I beg- you to forgive me as I attempt to minimize the extraneous and cut away at some of that precious time in the process. I really feel guilty about it, and yet can already feel myself almost reflexively deadening these feelings, hardening my heart. And I'm totally hating myself for doing it. This conflict, I can only "resolve" by turning away and running, never to look back.

Does it matter who I am, my desires, my aspirations, if I am to kill them all in preparation for this trial?

What did I win, and what did it cost?

I can only pray that at the end of it all, my answer won't be: Far too much for it to ever be worth it.

Lifeless

I don't know why I've been steeped in melancholy, such that I find it practically seeping out of me, making it a very bitter cup of tea indeed.

It's not that smiling's become an impossibility, it's simply that there's no spirit behind the smile.

I find it hard to believe I could be so facepalm-inducingly fail. I shouldn't, now should I? It's hardly a new thing.

An invitation to tour the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine as a perk for winning something at the Biomed Symposium and I plain forgot about it. It's not about whether I'm interested in applying for medicine or not (still undecided btw) but rather the sheer irresponsibility of it that disgusts me. ARGH. Well, you know what they say about spilt milk, so no use crying over it. (There's also this one bout opportunity only knocking once, but let's think positive, shall we?) Just feeling a little rueful that I made myself miss out on it.

For some inexplicable reason, I don't quite know myself these days. Perhaps it's simply that for a while now, I've been able to get by without asking myself those difficult questions; simply and deliberately turning my head, averting my gaze from that which confronted me. When you decide to wield a critical mindset upon yourself; things start to get messy.

For instance, one of the reasons I do things is cause I find them "interesting". Nothing wrong there, right? But thinking about it, it really doesn't require much thought on my part to justify practically anything as interesting. Grow crops under a micro-credit scheme? Absolutely delightful. Play a higher-order tactical game with black and white stones? Why not! Sign up for some symposium that requires you to work your ass off? Might as well. But the fact is that there're so many potentially "interesting" things to do, aren't there? So I start to be unclear about the motives behind the stuff I do. The supposedly pure motive of "interest" and/or "passion" can't be the only one, since I've found myself able to sufficiently tweak my mindset when required, to find a whole spectrum of things interesting, yet you don't see me rushing off to do all of them. There has to be something else. I'd like to think that I'm not in it for the potential gains, especially given the high odds against me actually deriving some sort of benefit from having participated; that it must have been some freaking coincidence that I managed to blunder my way into qualifying for that RD or whatever. Sounds pretty improbable, huh? I don't know.

I was agonizing over something similar earlier last year, during the run-up to the exco elections. Asking myself exactly why I was running; service or for the recognition? Not getting my desired post ironically proved to me that I was in it for the former. And that's a spot of luck, cause if I had succeeded, I'd have never known.

While others may never think to question my motives, I surely will, cause it matters that much. I'm not sure how else I can act with certainty and conviction, to be positive that I'm not just persuading myself with sugar-coated lies of noble intentions, dressing and prettying them up so I can stomach them.

Cya in school

Chained to the tracks, helpless, as I watch those lights approach. And this fatalistic part of me just wants that train to hurry up already, for it to be done and over with.

So what do I do now? What awaits with the coming of the dawn? And how do I face it? Now, all my brain can do, is draw a load of blanks.

Nonetheless, had loads of fun today at the class outing, thanks Jack for putting everything together! Seems kind of like a proposal you'd submit to your boss. No, they don't want what ifs and possibilities, no matter how varied or attractive. Much preferable is something concrete, laid out, and the only decision left to make is to endorse it or not. Not everyone would bother putting in the effort, so it's good we have someone awesome like him. (Haha, can't help wondering if this flattery is gonna get me anywhere *winkwink*)

Karaoke at the obscenely low price of $22 in total per room for a whole 3 hours (inflexible timings and kinda ulu location aside) followed by lepak-ing at the beach till it was time for dinner.

Side-note: Lifeboat is a perfectly vicious game, where being hated by the navigator can get you unconscious; to be looted freely by your fellow survivors, then KILLED, with the looming prospect of getting your dessicated corpse (yes, that's what happens when one dies of multiple thirst) cannibalized upon by your survivors (note that I no longer use "fellow" since by then you'd have been removed from the ranks of the living). There is one upside, though: Your vengeful spirit gets to drag overboard survivors down to Davy Jone's locker or wtv along with them, a little perk for the dead.  The constant bickering and arguments, with the promise of favors and support traded freely, along with provisions as an additional incentive (read: bribery) were really quite interesting; if only because they were steeped in hilarity. The formation and dissolution of alliances which were temporary at best were just awesome to watch from the sidelines, occasionally interrupting to voice a point (the dead DO tell tales in this game). Yifan's "whoring" of his "services" (which turned out to be paltry at best) to whoever offered him even the slightest benefits, which eventually resulted in him being stuck in indecision as all sides called upon him to fulfill his side of the many verbal agreements was just funny to watch. I shan't be cruel here and say that it reflects upon his character, since it's just a game afterall XD Angela's at most dubious offer to Yongjin to "make him the navigator if he first assisted her in forcing Mervyn to give up the navigator position" was even more funny to behold. Wheeee.

We then made our way home after dinner at Parkway.

Haha something that kinda grated at me was all the "See you tomorrow in school"s as we bid our farewells. It's not really that it was irritating or anything like that, just the thought that Term 3 starts for real tomorrow (or well, TODAY), and that from here on, it's one long, or perhaps not so long, stretch till the A's. Life doesn't seem to be looking up at all.

It's time to take the plunge. Let's just hope that it's the kind of plunge you experience when you're safely seated on a rollercoaster as it reaches its peak, where you feel high even as you drop, and not a plunge down your ("your" is a figure of speech, by the way. I don't have access to your toilet, or any part of your house, for that matter) toilet bowl and into a cesspool of shit. I don't think NEWater would allow me back after that..

Cya in school.

Just wiped the dust off my laptop's screen, and the fingerprints left on it when it was so unceremoniously prodded so long ago.

Shan't go on about the CTs, suffice to say I know what I have to do, and I won't shy away from doing it. Yes.

Other than that, the post-CT programme was laughably atypical. Pretty much zombified after staying up to cram chem but no choice, we had 2 essays for that increasingly ridiculous NEFMQ, supposedly due before 5pm that day. Heh so after a good lunch at Bakerzin (with a 1 for 1 offer courtesy of Tyf), before which we had put some ideas down on paper - YES, we were that dedicated - we camped at Starbucks for the better part of 3 hours.

While it does seem a little no life, which the many RJ people (including a group who'd withdrawn from the competition!) who just happened to pass by didn't hesitate to remind us about, I found it pretty fun myself. Working with a bunch of friends on something that well, wasn't schoolwork, discussing how an idiot like Anthony who didn't have any savings shouldn't even dream of taking a car loan in the first place, lest he be saddled with debt for the rest of his natural life (I'm over-exaggerating a little), comparing the relative benefits between a carbon trading scheme and taxation on reducing carbon emissions, and not to mention Amos' steady descent into insanity (hmm, is that the right word? Deliriousness, perhaps) as he put down some pretty incredible stuff, such as how "a carbon credit scheme not only cripples Adam Smith's Invisible Hand but totally decapitates it as well!"

I just can't say how - hmm, not fun exactly, but I don't have a better word - fun it was, sitting there between Jack and Amos, with Yifan to one side composing a song which he professed to contain a mix-up of a couple of songs' melodies. Those last 20 mins, when my laptop had only 21 mins of battery left in it as we strove to chop the essays down to size (500 words is wholly insufficient to get any arguments going), the merciless deconstruction of sentences lovingly crafted, the eventual jubilation at a task completed, panic as the last few minutes neared and my comp died, while the wireless steadfastly refused to work on Amos', and my facepalm-inducing realization that I had brought my charger along in my bag. The eventual scramble till we finally got them submitted, but not till 7 mins past 5. And a few hours later, the WTF moment when the organizers sent out an email stating that the deadline was at 1159.

Haha so thanks guys, the discussions were fun, I've never hung out at Starbucks before, so it's an experience I guess, and most thanks go out to Tyf who wasn't part of our group but should be pretty much an honorary member for help rendered, most significantly in the final reduction to meet the word count. Well...it was either that or going to pimp with the girls, so perhaps he merely chose the lesser evil xP

Now here's hoping something comes out of it, though that doesn't really matter anymore; or to be more precise, didn't really matter since the beginning.

Heh some completely random encounter on the way back after that got me thinking, but that's all I'll say on that.

The toilets at Ion are insanely extravagant. Hope I don't sound like the country bumpkin newly arrived to the city, with the dirt of the road still resting on my shoes, but I swear it's the truth. Like seriously, it's the first shopping centre I've ever seen which has those small tv screens over every freaking urinal, and each sink has its own hand-drying/towel dispensing module parked discretely above it behind the mirror. What the SHIT.