Enlightenment.
I think I now know what I've been building myself up to. Steel (Still) the heart, as with each passing day, I allow myself to die a little more inside. I need this, ironically, if I'm to do what needs to be done.
The establishment of a routine to make it all bearable is necessary, so I implore -no, I beg- you to forgive me as I attempt to minimize the extraneous and cut away at some of that precious time in the process. I really feel guilty about it, and yet can already feel myself almost reflexively deadening these feelings, hardening my heart. And I'm totally hating myself for doing it. This conflict, I can only "resolve" by turning away and running, never to look back.
Does it matter who I am, my desires, my aspirations, if I am to kill them all in preparation for this trial?
What did I win, and what did it cost?
I can only pray that at the end of it all, my answer won't be: Far too much for it to ever be worth it.
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