Just Winging It

I don't think words would suffice to describe the peculiarly poignant feelings that overcame me as I walked about - and subsequently left - the uni fair today.

I didn't really have a strong reason to go, but went anyway, harboring hopes, perhaps, of finding some measure of direction and a clear aim to direct my efforts towards, to give me motivation. Perhaps I expected too much. As I went around, seeing the names of unis I hadn't previously known, passing through the throngs of people, with the occasional swarms gathered around the particularly renowned among the lot (those I took care to avoid), a feeling of lost-ness came upon me, a sense of a spirit drifting where it doesn't belong. All those people seemingly knowing what they were there for, so purposeful in their actions, the parents forceful in their questioning, and there I was, unsure, really, of even the course I wanted to take, not to mention when/where I wanted to take it.

After awhile, I gathered myself; mustered my courage, and fed myself the spiel which I would adopt for the rest of the day: "I'm interested in taking Biomed Sciences, but don't really want to do research." And so I made my rounds, repeating that mantra at a few booths, presenting those same few queries, obtaining answers which were really not unexpected, nothing special there. And I left.

What really struck me was the realization that for me at least, there's no magical confluence of factors that will scream: THIS IS IT! Perhaps I haven't probed deep enough, but as I went around, listening in on what some of the students had to say, I gradually began to admit to myself that no matter how much I found out about any single uni, I probably wouldn't find one that "called to me" as they put it. You know how at those talks they'll caution you to "choose a college that suits your needs, personality" and so on? It gives the overriding impression that there is a "right choice" to be made, if only one is diligent enough in searching for it.

But there isn't.

And I find the whole idea inconceivably frightening. Not the kind of outright fear one may feel when watching a horror film, but rather the kind that simply insidiously gnaws at you, undermining one's conviction and confidence. Don't you see? College life is going to determine much of our future, yet we're gonna be just "winging it". It's impossible to know everything, have all the facts at one's disposal before making the choice, and it may even be a choice that's amusingly enough, based simply on which unis we've arbitrarily decided to do a little more research into. And it'll shape us, one way or another.

It's not so much that I fear making the wrong choice, but rather that I instinctively know that there's no right one. Whatever I do, there'll always be opportunity costs, so to speak, and after the event, I'll never know whether I'd made the best choice or not.

Is this my cowardice showing? Heh I don't have the confidence of those who can say with certainty that they want to go to XYZ place, nor do I have the sheer chutzpah of those who are unfaltering what'er may come. I'm fraught with indecision.

But this is all a momentary thing, I believe. Cause what Mr Ngan said was wrong (and I say this with no particular vehemence): it's not a path that becomes clear to us as we proceed through life but rather walls that rise from the dirt, creating a corridor where there once was an open plain. It is only that as we go through life, each and every choice we make will invariably limit the future options open to us, and the process continues, halting earlier for some than others. Some find themselves set on the path for life, while others, through a series of unwise decisions, find themselves treading a hair-thin line between life and death, if not walking themselves into a cul de sac. 

I paint a bleak picture, methinks, one that might be entirely representative of reality. But despite my cowardice; for all that I may hesitate before taking that next step, I won't look back once I do, cause that's not the way forwards, is it?