My eyes are open

Came home after a pretty fulfilling day - not too unproductive, too! (Y) - to plonk myself down on the floor and just fall asleep. Can't believe I slept so long, lol. But when I came downstairs after waking up (at 12, no less!), showering and whatnot, intent on doing up those pesky RD reflections, first thing I see is my sister sitting at the table, cradling her head in her hands, staring cluelessly at her math. Haix apparently she was going to just fill in rubbish if I hadn't just happened to come down to help her.

On a more positive note:

Thanks Soon Hong for inadvertently making my (yester)day XD

Quick personality test (since those seem all the rage atm) :

Think of 3 animals, 3 favourite animals or whatever. Just the first 3 to come to your head.

[Analysis...after a short intermission]

 

So freaking cute

Haha yeah. So anyway, the first animal's what people see you as, the second's what you see yourself as, and the third's what you really are, apparently.

Interesting; if pointless little test. My answer was Rhino, Hippo, Lion in case you're interested. Was just thinking of African animals, but somehow the first two seem like they kind of fit. Not so sure about that last one, though...

I think I have said this before, but I'm still infinitely thankful for the fact that no matter how emo, cut-off or distant I feel, I still haven't lost the heart and am not so jaded that I'm unable to appreciate the goodness around me. I'm still touched by those acts of kindness (small or otherwise) which my friends do for me.

And yet at the same time, I realize that this world isn't kind to the soft and pure of heart (I'm not speaking of myself, btw. I've been indelibly and irrevocably tainted, that I know). Open yourself too much, allow yourself to feel too deeply, be too sensitive, and you're bound to be hurt sooner or later. Besides that, there's a kind of corrupting effect, where the world simply presses in from all sides, battering and weakening even the strongest of resolves. Most harden themselves, in one way or another, to stand up to this pressure. But it's the rare few who don't, who allow themselves to remain vulnerable, who feel everything so intensely, pain and joy, who will never hesitate to do what they feel is the right thing, defend a friend from another's constant jibes instead of merely laughing along; those rare few are those I find truly special, and simply knowing someone like that, and having him as a friend already makes me feel a little more proud of myself.

Already, the wind blows, shifting patterns in the sand.
My eyes open, I'm seeing clearly, once again.
But some sand's gotten into these open eyes,
So forgive me if I tear, just a little, no more.

Sorry, but raising children isn't like multi-level marketing. Just cause you raise ONE kid decently (shock, I know, but at least you don't see me running around committing a spree of homicides, do you?) doesn't mean that you can leave the rest to him and allow it to continue ad infinitum, hoping for it to miraculously churn out well-balanced kids like some perverse manufacturing line. Things just don't work that way.

You're physically and mentally exhausted from work, I understand. Your patience has worn thin from dealing with anxious, worried, perhaps unreasonable people the entire day, that I understand as well. But that doesn't mean you get to thrust the responsibility of guiding your child onto someone else, IMO. In my honest opinion, no parent has the right, no matter what, to simply say: "I'm tired, and you can see how I can't handle her at all, so YOU do it, learn how to be a responsible brother"

And I try, you know, I really do. Explanations, over and over, trying to be patient, even though I find myself repeating the same thing to her so very frequently. Dealing with the lack of discipline by having to force myself to take on an authoritarian countenance. But nothing can really substitute what you fail (or should I say refuse?) to give.

Honestly, I sometimes find this disgust and revulsion welling up within me as I see you playing that Wordshaker app with her, starting those Korean drama marathons, which you should really know better than to do. I do my best to suppress it, but it gets so strong, at times, and I just want to scream shout out that things can't continue like this. But something stays my hand. It's the knowledge that shouting never helped, and never will. So I keep it in, and imbibe the lessons within myself, resolve that if anything, those are the qualities that I will do my darn-est to never, ever emulate.

What children want isn't material wealth, good food, or anything like that. Is that so hard to understand? I know you get that, can tell from the hint of sadness behind your eyes as we speak, uncharacteristically, about those less superficial things.

So tell me, am I unreasonable in my demands, my expectations?

Don't make me wait like that; it's not very nice xP

Yet another beautiful moon up tonight, and I can't even to begin to wonder why.

Could easily have died to stupidity in LT2 today; I'm pretty fortunate in that respect: though I frequently think about how vulnerable our human lives really are; I've proved pretty resilient to the mishaps I've faced, up till now that is..

Just Winging It

I don't think words would suffice to describe the peculiarly poignant feelings that overcame me as I walked about - and subsequently left - the uni fair today.

I didn't really have a strong reason to go, but went anyway, harboring hopes, perhaps, of finding some measure of direction and a clear aim to direct my efforts towards, to give me motivation. Perhaps I expected too much. As I went around, seeing the names of unis I hadn't previously known, passing through the throngs of people, with the occasional swarms gathered around the particularly renowned among the lot (those I took care to avoid), a feeling of lost-ness came upon me, a sense of a spirit drifting where it doesn't belong. All those people seemingly knowing what they were there for, so purposeful in their actions, the parents forceful in their questioning, and there I was, unsure, really, of even the course I wanted to take, not to mention when/where I wanted to take it.

After awhile, I gathered myself; mustered my courage, and fed myself the spiel which I would adopt for the rest of the day: "I'm interested in taking Biomed Sciences, but don't really want to do research." And so I made my rounds, repeating that mantra at a few booths, presenting those same few queries, obtaining answers which were really not unexpected, nothing special there. And I left.

What really struck me was the realization that for me at least, there's no magical confluence of factors that will scream: THIS IS IT! Perhaps I haven't probed deep enough, but as I went around, listening in on what some of the students had to say, I gradually began to admit to myself that no matter how much I found out about any single uni, I probably wouldn't find one that "called to me" as they put it. You know how at those talks they'll caution you to "choose a college that suits your needs, personality" and so on? It gives the overriding impression that there is a "right choice" to be made, if only one is diligent enough in searching for it.

But there isn't.

And I find the whole idea inconceivably frightening. Not the kind of outright fear one may feel when watching a horror film, but rather the kind that simply insidiously gnaws at you, undermining one's conviction and confidence. Don't you see? College life is going to determine much of our future, yet we're gonna be just "winging it". It's impossible to know everything, have all the facts at one's disposal before making the choice, and it may even be a choice that's amusingly enough, based simply on which unis we've arbitrarily decided to do a little more research into. And it'll shape us, one way or another.

It's not so much that I fear making the wrong choice, but rather that I instinctively know that there's no right one. Whatever I do, there'll always be opportunity costs, so to speak, and after the event, I'll never know whether I'd made the best choice or not.

Is this my cowardice showing? Heh I don't have the confidence of those who can say with certainty that they want to go to XYZ place, nor do I have the sheer chutzpah of those who are unfaltering what'er may come. I'm fraught with indecision.

But this is all a momentary thing, I believe. Cause what Mr Ngan said was wrong (and I say this with no particular vehemence): it's not a path that becomes clear to us as we proceed through life but rather walls that rise from the dirt, creating a corridor where there once was an open plain. It is only that as we go through life, each and every choice we make will invariably limit the future options open to us, and the process continues, halting earlier for some than others. Some find themselves set on the path for life, while others, through a series of unwise decisions, find themselves treading a hair-thin line between life and death, if not walking themselves into a cul de sac. 

I paint a bleak picture, methinks, one that might be entirely representative of reality. But despite my cowardice; for all that I may hesitate before taking that next step, I won't look back once I do, cause that's not the way forwards, is it?

The last desperate clutch at sanity

Gradually, my favorite time of the day's come to be those few minutes as I walk home from the MRT.
Not because I'm reaching home, where those creature comforts reside, along with that creature I call my sister...she's just so unpredictable...and those mood swings...sometimes she's the most angelic little sister one could ever wish for and then there are those times when she's just a complete b!tch, especially when she's PMSing me...

But rather because it's the only time I get to indulge in my senses; which are just so muted throughout the monotony of school. Pull out those earphones, really pay attention to the sounds of the cars passing, those insects that just create this absolute racket at night. Appreciate the silhouette of the trees against the evening sky, the play on the streetlights on the leaves, the very slight tinge of blue that the evening brings to everything. I don't really smell much, since I take special care in making my detour to avoid most of those smokers, but the air's pretty fresh as well, despite the decent traffic volume. So I take my time to make my way home, stopping every now and then to take in the surroundings, enjoying the quiet time with myself (being in the library doesn't count!)

I'll always lament the fact that I couldn't be arsed to learn how to use those high-end cameras properly, since I always find myself witness to beautiful scenes of the moment, which I simply know that I won't be able to capture adequately with my iPhone's puny camera. If the sight I behold can't be captured exactly as I envision it, in just the right amount of detail with the perfect amount of blurring, then what's the point, right? It'd just be an insult to it. I try to commit them to memory, yet my brain isn't the best receptacle for such stuff. I remember finding today's moon especially appealing; a low-lying full moon, edges distinct, "craters" visible, (though Sing Yee may say otherwise) framed by those short shop-houses across the road. Haha but of course my description is wholly insufficient, and my previous attempts to get some pictures using our camera just produced this homogenous white speck in the sky, so that's a pity..

There's no time anymore, and I'm not talking about time left till the A's. With only 2 freaking free periods each week, and practically everyone running off to do their own stuff (not that I don't understand their reasons though) after school, there's been not much time for quality interaction with classmates & friends. Pretty much the only human interaction I get is the really casual stuff in class, with the occasional HTHT with the same few people. We've pretty much got to the point where much has already been said, and things start to become repetitive. There's too little time to even try to get to know those I don't know that well a little better, since everything seems pretty much cast in stone by now, and it doesn't seem worth investing the effort required to raise that chisel to chip away at the rock to make those most inconsequential of changes that could vanish the very next day, like markings in the sand with the coming of the wind, transient as they are. The general consensus seems to be that we've not made much headway throughout the course of the previous year, and with only these last desperate few months to go, why start overtly bothering now?

That reasoning's perfectly sound, though, and who am I to argue?

Frozen durian is totally awesome. Go try it out, since it seems to be in season now. Impending stomachache from over consumption ><

GP Tutors can't do Math, But so can't I

Is that even proper sentence structure? Somehow, I don't really care. Not like someone's gonna be grading this and annotating the sides with little g's and p's are they? So I'll use these semicolons wherever I want, and sentence structure be damned ;)

It's a pretty good indicator of how much I don't care anymore that when I got GP back today, I merely resigned myself to totaling up those paltry marks on the cover sheet and dulled flogged my brain to try to recall what the lower limit for a "C" was. It took Yifan who was sitting beside me to notice at one glance that the marks had been added up wrongly, and it was horrendously off. I still find it pretty amusing that all it took was a little stroke added to the base of that "2" and a little scribble by it to validate the change, bumping it up 2 grades.

So yes, Pn is true, GP tutors indeed aren't good at math at all. Since I didn't notice myself, requiring Yifan to point it out to me, the second clause must be pretty true as well. Those nightmare-inducingly retarded mistakes I made in Math only serve to prove the point. And it wasn't even complex math...it must require a special kind of phail to be able to do integration, differentiation and whatnot well enough yet be unable to even get those most basic of operations right. Seriously.
1/2 f(x) = y => f(x) = y/2 ?
5(2-5u) = 10-5u?

I could just go hide my face in shame.

Haha but don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly depressed about this. It's just therapeutic to fling everything out like this, rather than keeping it inside. And friends, no matter how good, do tend to get tired of relentless whining after awhile. So doing this is actually win-win for all parties involved.

Rather than feeling depressed, I'm actually pretty motivated to do well in the prelims. I won't leave some weak-sounding comment like "we'll see whether this motivation carries through" since now is not the time for such weak-mindedness. I'll jolly well do it, though it may be helpful if some reminders came in from time to time *hinthint*

I dropped by the RJ range during RI's training after doing some work in the library today. I haven't been there in forever; the last time was one of the last few trainings in the run-up to the nats if I remember correctly. I'd almost forgotten how much I liked the place. The slightly stuffy smell of suits that've been fermenting on the rack as far back as I remember (they've started getting rid of them, which is a pity, there's history in those suits), the scent of gun oil which we'd been taught to liberally apply onto the guns in Sec 1 (can't have them rusting!) and the pervasive tang of lead particles in the air. This little patch of RJ that I've been familiar with since I stepped into RI 5/6 years ago, and that I held "dominion" over for just about 3 years as QM from Sec 3 till J2. Heh, to be able to say that with pride isn't something which I would have expected from myself 1 year back, just goes to show how much one's mindset can change, for the better, I must say, if only you allow yourself to.

Other things have changed as well. I can't shoot for nuts now, though I wasn't fantastic to begin with. My Sec 1s are very likely better than I was, and the Sec 4s who're coming up to RJ next year look to be stronger than ever. It's made me consider my contributions to the club of course, but I'm still indescribably pleased that the future looks bright for Raffles Shooting. A Raffles Shooting that has no need for a relic like me :S

"What am I to do, when I love something so much, yet am so hopelessly incompetent at it?"

A question I'd mull over endlessly, pricking my heart with endless needles. Yet I've grown up, I think. Call it a failure's self-consolation, if you will. However, trying so hard without achieving any discernible results has driven me to see value in the process rather than the results. This has proven to be invaluable each time I've had to get up after a failure, brush myself off, and try again. It's a lesson I've fought hard to carve into my body, and it'll serve me well in the days to come.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

On a more trivial note, I don't really get what's with me and falling down. It's as if my butt has made numerous appointments with the ground and is ever so eager in keeping those appointments each time I participate in PE. I just happen to trip a lot, is what I'm trying to say.
Hey butt, I know you can't really help it, but at least try to stop meeting the ground behind my back, k? It kinda hurts..

Haha, I was taking my usual detour home today past this badminton/sepak takraw court when this little girl perched on the referee seat suddenly exclaimed: "Look, there are flowers!"

I'm pretty sure it wasn't directed at me but chuckled nonetheless cause it was just that funny. I really didn't expect her to immediately shout/raise her voice at me, "Hey! What're you laughing at!!"

I didn't reply, of course, merely chuckled somemore and walked on.

It's quite a wistful feeling, seeing such child-like fearlessness. Kinda reminded me of what I was like when I was a kid; not scared of much; except the dark, the Monster Under the Bed and injections, obviously. A world of difference apart is the present me, obsessing over the barest hint of a frown or some other sign of displeasure.

I'm just vaguely pissed that life seems so much different than it was for those generations before us.

When I was young, my grandfather would tell me about his career, how he went to Malaysia to pick up some skills from a relative in the construction industry, came back to Singapore and managed to carve out a job for himself (sorry for the sketchiness of the details, my memory fails me). And I'd nod along, as young kids are wont to do, cause I didn't know any better. But now, what really strikes me, and which is something I respect my grandparents for, is how they were able to so successfully raise their 4 children through their hard work and determination.

Yet increasingly, I get the impression that that's just not sufficient anymore. Perhaps it's because of late, (and by that I mean the past few years) my parents, and most especially my father, have been trying to impress upon us the importance of investing, of "growing" one's money. And as I see them taking up loans to make the aforementioned investments, as they offhandedly joke about how us siblings may have to take up the remaining debt once we start working, all I can think is: "When did all this become necessary? When did hard, honest work stop being enough to raise and ensure a good life for your family?"

I'm not questioning my parents' intentions. I know that they only want the best for us, and that they think it's the best way to achieve it, and that they just think that that's the best way to achieve it. But the message that sends couldn't be any clearer: All that you do in school won't be enough. Even if you work hard all your life, so long as you're working "stupid", you won't make enough money.

Now, I'm not that materialistic a person, I don't hanker after a lifestyle of excessive excess. But it's pretty much an undeniable fact that money greases the rails of life, makes things so much easier. I'm not so much concerned with my life, but that of my family. (assuming I have one in the future) I don't want them to have to worry about or have their aspirations be limited by monetary concerns. And now, achieving that seems quite a remote possibility without forcing myself to develop some investor sense, and be willing to gear, leverage and whatnot, profiting from someone else's loss; all things which I inherently know I'm not cut out to do.

But whatever. Maybe my expectations are simply overly high. I have no idea what reality is like, afterall.

The traditional kampung games thing after school today was vaguely amusing. 5 stones with small pointy rocks, ice cream stick battling, and I got head-shotted during Bola Rambut. Heh you should be able to tell how much I actually learned from my ability (or lack thereof) to recall most of the names of the games :D

Because phail is hereditary

Kang Yan: Get away from me or I'll kick you in the crotchet!!!
Me: *rolls eyes*

Wings

Laps up, laps down, the same stretch of water, repetitive, yet not in a bad way. I'm not a strong swimmer, so there was alot to work on, and it was quite enjoyable to focus solely on improving my stroke.  I normally only attempt frog-style since I've never been able to get free-style down, don't have the stamina to even think of doing butterfly, and backstroke don't seem like a good idea in a pool full of people, it was a Saturday afternoon, afterall. But this time, seeing all the uberly fit dudes surging past me with their oh-so-refined freestyle, I was kind of motivated to do a little practice. It was kind of pathetic how easily I ran out of breathe, but it eventually got better...kinda. I went from being able to sustain it for half a lap to just barely a full lap. Heh, I'm working on it.

Swimming gives a really shiok feeling, and my mind just blanks out while doing it, which just makes it even better. I'll try to do this on a regular basis.

I had this whole section typed out but I'm not going to post it cause it just didn't feel right. Kind of how fresh milk turns sour and rancid when you leave it out in the open for too long. The moment is past, and that's it, I guess. I may come back to it again sometime, but that's up to chance. 


I can't hold a candle to you. Cause you're brilliant, like the sun. If I get too close, these waxen wings of mine will melt and fall apart. I just can't reach you. So go on, ever higher, while I grow wings of my own to give chase, as I stand rooted to the ground, head craned towards the sky.

So forgive me if I'm a little callus

Enlightenment.

I think I now know what I've been building myself up to. Steel (Still) the heart, as with each passing day, I allow myself to die a little more inside. I need this, ironically, if I'm to do what needs to be done.

The establishment of a routine to make it all bearable is necessary, so I implore -no, I beg- you to forgive me as I attempt to minimize the extraneous and cut away at some of that precious time in the process. I really feel guilty about it, and yet can already feel myself almost reflexively deadening these feelings, hardening my heart. And I'm totally hating myself for doing it. This conflict, I can only "resolve" by turning away and running, never to look back.

Does it matter who I am, my desires, my aspirations, if I am to kill them all in preparation for this trial?

What did I win, and what did it cost?

I can only pray that at the end of it all, my answer won't be: Far too much for it to ever be worth it.

Lifeless

I don't know why I've been steeped in melancholy, such that I find it practically seeping out of me, making it a very bitter cup of tea indeed.

It's not that smiling's become an impossibility, it's simply that there's no spirit behind the smile.

I find it hard to believe I could be so facepalm-inducingly fail. I shouldn't, now should I? It's hardly a new thing.

An invitation to tour the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine as a perk for winning something at the Biomed Symposium and I plain forgot about it. It's not about whether I'm interested in applying for medicine or not (still undecided btw) but rather the sheer irresponsibility of it that disgusts me. ARGH. Well, you know what they say about spilt milk, so no use crying over it. (There's also this one bout opportunity only knocking once, but let's think positive, shall we?) Just feeling a little rueful that I made myself miss out on it.

For some inexplicable reason, I don't quite know myself these days. Perhaps it's simply that for a while now, I've been able to get by without asking myself those difficult questions; simply and deliberately turning my head, averting my gaze from that which confronted me. When you decide to wield a critical mindset upon yourself; things start to get messy.

For instance, one of the reasons I do things is cause I find them "interesting". Nothing wrong there, right? But thinking about it, it really doesn't require much thought on my part to justify practically anything as interesting. Grow crops under a micro-credit scheme? Absolutely delightful. Play a higher-order tactical game with black and white stones? Why not! Sign up for some symposium that requires you to work your ass off? Might as well. But the fact is that there're so many potentially "interesting" things to do, aren't there? So I start to be unclear about the motives behind the stuff I do. The supposedly pure motive of "interest" and/or "passion" can't be the only one, since I've found myself able to sufficiently tweak my mindset when required, to find a whole spectrum of things interesting, yet you don't see me rushing off to do all of them. There has to be something else. I'd like to think that I'm not in it for the potential gains, especially given the high odds against me actually deriving some sort of benefit from having participated; that it must have been some freaking coincidence that I managed to blunder my way into qualifying for that RD or whatever. Sounds pretty improbable, huh? I don't know.

I was agonizing over something similar earlier last year, during the run-up to the exco elections. Asking myself exactly why I was running; service or for the recognition? Not getting my desired post ironically proved to me that I was in it for the former. And that's a spot of luck, cause if I had succeeded, I'd have never known.

While others may never think to question my motives, I surely will, cause it matters that much. I'm not sure how else I can act with certainty and conviction, to be positive that I'm not just persuading myself with sugar-coated lies of noble intentions, dressing and prettying them up so I can stomach them.

Cya in school

Chained to the tracks, helpless, as I watch those lights approach. And this fatalistic part of me just wants that train to hurry up already, for it to be done and over with.

So what do I do now? What awaits with the coming of the dawn? And how do I face it? Now, all my brain can do, is draw a load of blanks.

Nonetheless, had loads of fun today at the class outing, thanks Jack for putting everything together! Seems kind of like a proposal you'd submit to your boss. No, they don't want what ifs and possibilities, no matter how varied or attractive. Much preferable is something concrete, laid out, and the only decision left to make is to endorse it or not. Not everyone would bother putting in the effort, so it's good we have someone awesome like him. (Haha, can't help wondering if this flattery is gonna get me anywhere *winkwink*)

Karaoke at the obscenely low price of $22 in total per room for a whole 3 hours (inflexible timings and kinda ulu location aside) followed by lepak-ing at the beach till it was time for dinner.

Side-note: Lifeboat is a perfectly vicious game, where being hated by the navigator can get you unconscious; to be looted freely by your fellow survivors, then KILLED, with the looming prospect of getting your dessicated corpse (yes, that's what happens when one dies of multiple thirst) cannibalized upon by your survivors (note that I no longer use "fellow" since by then you'd have been removed from the ranks of the living). There is one upside, though: Your vengeful spirit gets to drag overboard survivors down to Davy Jone's locker or wtv along with them, a little perk for the dead.  The constant bickering and arguments, with the promise of favors and support traded freely, along with provisions as an additional incentive (read: bribery) were really quite interesting; if only because they were steeped in hilarity. The formation and dissolution of alliances which were temporary at best were just awesome to watch from the sidelines, occasionally interrupting to voice a point (the dead DO tell tales in this game). Yifan's "whoring" of his "services" (which turned out to be paltry at best) to whoever offered him even the slightest benefits, which eventually resulted in him being stuck in indecision as all sides called upon him to fulfill his side of the many verbal agreements was just funny to watch. I shan't be cruel here and say that it reflects upon his character, since it's just a game afterall XD Angela's at most dubious offer to Yongjin to "make him the navigator if he first assisted her in forcing Mervyn to give up the navigator position" was even more funny to behold. Wheeee.

We then made our way home after dinner at Parkway.

Haha something that kinda grated at me was all the "See you tomorrow in school"s as we bid our farewells. It's not really that it was irritating or anything like that, just the thought that Term 3 starts for real tomorrow (or well, TODAY), and that from here on, it's one long, or perhaps not so long, stretch till the A's. Life doesn't seem to be looking up at all.

It's time to take the plunge. Let's just hope that it's the kind of plunge you experience when you're safely seated on a rollercoaster as it reaches its peak, where you feel high even as you drop, and not a plunge down your ("your" is a figure of speech, by the way. I don't have access to your toilet, or any part of your house, for that matter) toilet bowl and into a cesspool of shit. I don't think NEWater would allow me back after that..

Cya in school.

Just wiped the dust off my laptop's screen, and the fingerprints left on it when it was so unceremoniously prodded so long ago.

Shan't go on about the CTs, suffice to say I know what I have to do, and I won't shy away from doing it. Yes.

Other than that, the post-CT programme was laughably atypical. Pretty much zombified after staying up to cram chem but no choice, we had 2 essays for that increasingly ridiculous NEFMQ, supposedly due before 5pm that day. Heh so after a good lunch at Bakerzin (with a 1 for 1 offer courtesy of Tyf), before which we had put some ideas down on paper - YES, we were that dedicated - we camped at Starbucks for the better part of 3 hours.

While it does seem a little no life, which the many RJ people (including a group who'd withdrawn from the competition!) who just happened to pass by didn't hesitate to remind us about, I found it pretty fun myself. Working with a bunch of friends on something that well, wasn't schoolwork, discussing how an idiot like Anthony who didn't have any savings shouldn't even dream of taking a car loan in the first place, lest he be saddled with debt for the rest of his natural life (I'm over-exaggerating a little), comparing the relative benefits between a carbon trading scheme and taxation on reducing carbon emissions, and not to mention Amos' steady descent into insanity (hmm, is that the right word? Deliriousness, perhaps) as he put down some pretty incredible stuff, such as how "a carbon credit scheme not only cripples Adam Smith's Invisible Hand but totally decapitates it as well!"

I just can't say how - hmm, not fun exactly, but I don't have a better word - fun it was, sitting there between Jack and Amos, with Yifan to one side composing a song which he professed to contain a mix-up of a couple of songs' melodies. Those last 20 mins, when my laptop had only 21 mins of battery left in it as we strove to chop the essays down to size (500 words is wholly insufficient to get any arguments going), the merciless deconstruction of sentences lovingly crafted, the eventual jubilation at a task completed, panic as the last few minutes neared and my comp died, while the wireless steadfastly refused to work on Amos', and my facepalm-inducing realization that I had brought my charger along in my bag. The eventual scramble till we finally got them submitted, but not till 7 mins past 5. And a few hours later, the WTF moment when the organizers sent out an email stating that the deadline was at 1159.

Haha so thanks guys, the discussions were fun, I've never hung out at Starbucks before, so it's an experience I guess, and most thanks go out to Tyf who wasn't part of our group but should be pretty much an honorary member for help rendered, most significantly in the final reduction to meet the word count. Well...it was either that or going to pimp with the girls, so perhaps he merely chose the lesser evil xP

Now here's hoping something comes out of it, though that doesn't really matter anymore; or to be more precise, didn't really matter since the beginning.

Heh some completely random encounter on the way back after that got me thinking, but that's all I'll say on that.

The toilets at Ion are insanely extravagant. Hope I don't sound like the country bumpkin newly arrived to the city, with the dirt of the road still resting on my shoes, but I swear it's the truth. Like seriously, it's the first shopping centre I've ever seen which has those small tv screens over every freaking urinal, and each sink has its own hand-drying/towel dispensing module parked discretely above it behind the mirror. What the SHIT.

That which is not

Living the life that is not; and will not be, unless I do something to change it.

I'm a little too cynical at present, to believe that happiness will come knocking if I sit there waving lazily at it. Yet it remains pretty elusive despite attempts to pursue it.

Or perhaps, rather than pursuing a happiness which is not my own, I'd better get to finding mine, somehow.

I'm tired. More mentally and spiritually than physically, though the lack of sleep hasn't been helping.

Made some "cupcakes" with my sisters today. Note I used the "" cause some were pretty bad, what with misinterpreting tbsp as teaspoon and ending up putting too little baking soda so the first batch didn't rise much. (T'was entirely my sis' fault, since I only helped with the mixing and pouring into those moulds) She was trying to go for the rainbow-colored effect, but the dye colours were just...odd.. Something must have been wrong with them cause I had some indigestion not long after eating them, not to mention the odd smell :S You know those martial arts films where the OP protagonist takes the barest whiffs of something odd in his tea and proceeds to fling it onto the floor, where it immediately 'transforms' into this caustic mixture that sends off clouds of smoke? Well, to put it simply, I wouldn't survive a minute in such shows X.X no matter how dubious looking/smelling the food is, I'd more often than not, wolf it down, albeit a little reluctantly sometimes, in order to not waste it..

Note to self: Bio really isn't finishable within 2 days, try harder next time

Going on hiatus till the CTs end. (I've always wanted to use that phrase, kinda makes it seem like I'm some bigshot xP)

Now, for some final bit of self-deception/confidence-boosting depending on how you look at it: You can do it! No problem.

Time is getting distorted. Probably the late nights and late mornings ( i.e. I tend to simply sleep through them nowadays) colluding to do my body's biological clock in. The perpetual lighting isn't helping either.. Curse my sister who can't sleep without the light on. Heh, so my sleep cycle's totally out of whack, which I'm trying to gradually rectify and recalibrate before the CTs start.

Sometimes, I find resentment bubbling up uncontrollably within myself, and I become overly critical. I find myself resolving to make sure that I don't make those same mistakes; that my kids next time (assuming I have any) don't have to experience the same thing, and are better brought up. At these times, I find it necessary to remind myself, that my emotional baggage is my own, and to be sure not to transfer it, either in large or small amounts, through my actions to them. Cause each person has to find their own baggage to carry and bear, and we do have enough difficulty without the additional weight of our predecessors' ain't that right? XP

Kinda reminds me of what I was doing as I wrote the farewell notes for my juniors. At first, I was planning to laden them with the hope I had for them, in bettering the failings of our batch, in entrusting them with the responsibility of leading the club, etc. But I realized, as I said above, that they'd find their own way; forcing and thrusting such a burden which they already know and accept upon them would simply be unnecessary.

Guidance is important, true, but space to develop those individual traits, unhindered can be even more so.

Reminder to self: DON'T DO TOO MUCH UNNECESSARY STUFF, CHRIS! I'd hate it if people started to dislike me because of that >.<  

But then again, a prod now and then may be necessary. Life's grey areas do get irritating after awhile, especially for a socially inept person like myself. Moment of epic fail: I was trying to order some Kaya & Butter Toast at Clementi Mall before going for a Financial Management Talk (which was quite phail btw) and apparently didn't speak up enough. After giving me a confused look, the lady reached for this canned drink or whatever and I had to hastily correct her. Then she was like: "OH! 面包!" And I felt like disappearing right then. So embarrassing...

Recalled once again that what concerns us most currently may mean nothing at all to us in the future, perhaps even mere months, weeks, days(?) down the road. Is this maturity, I wonder? Or perhaps it's due to our innate human short-sightedness that can't see anything beyond the tip of our respective noses. And since nobody's Pinocchio (that'd make lies too easy to detect, now wouldn't it?), that's not far at all. Who knows?

But then again, some concerns are eternal. And those, my friend(s), are those which truly matter, not those transient ones which merely seem all-consuming cause we're too foolish to take that single step back and see it in its pathetic entirety.

Heh, a friend shared this with me what seems now to be a long, long time ago (1 year out of my not-quite-18 ain't that insignificant, right?)so it's not an exact quote, but I've got the essence down, I think: We talk now about our "past" as if we were jaded cynics, aged beyond our years, but the ironic thing is that a few years down on the road, we'll most likely be looking back on ourselves now and wondering at just how naive we were. Not to mention a few more years beyond that...

I think you get it. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess. Why am I bringing this up? I really have no idea at all (That's a lie). Perhaps it's because; once you find it in yourself to rise above the present to embrace who you were, who you'll be; embrace "yourself" in it's entirety, then maybe you'll be able to rise above yourself, and any past, present, future stress you may be facing/will face/whatever. Then may be we won't have people who 看不开 and sadly，do something which they won't live to regret. Just maybe.

I just want to put this link here, it's an article by a regular Cracked columnist who's more serious than most of the others. I like what it says, he makes sense, he's a much better writer than I'll ever be, and, most importantly, he has the experience (unless he's one of those elaborately created online personas; which I highly doubt), which is more that what a mere not-quite-18 year old such as myself can attest to. Give it a read, cause life will get better.

I need a more favorable gauge of my degree of screwed-ness. Currently I'd have to convert it into the log scale in order to visualize what I have managed to cover against the mountain of what's actually left. That's probably one of the reasons why I've steadfastly refused to post anything about my progress with mugging up till now. Avoidance FTW.


Well, to be more positive, let's talk about something I've learnt these past few weeks of "hols". Sadly, the lesson wasn't experienced firsthand, but rather what I've observed from my brother. I know I don't talk bout my family much, so I'll excuse the surprise (if any). Well basically, it's that there are no real boundaries to what we can do in this world. Or maybe I should add the following qualifier, to avoid damaging people's pride and sensibilities: I, at least where I am currently, am far from pushing my limits; that is to say, to use an econs analogy; that I'm not even operating on the intermediate range of that AS curve, there is still a shitload of spare capacity left to exploit.

So it really makes me feel that in most cases, (for me at least), the bars that appear to keep me in aren't made of iron and steel, not to mention cuendillar. In fact, they don't even exist at all. Rather, it is the lack of willingness that does me in; the alluring temptation of a warm hearth and good food (metaphorically speaking) that draws me in. So yeah, comfort zone, you get it, I guess. And sometimes, I lay the blame on my parents, for being too restrictive at times, being constant worrywarts and not being responsive to my desire to be independent. And I guess it's true, to a certain extent. However, I can't blame them for parenting as they best know, right? And to be honest, my brother's been a bit of an inspiration to me - it's a little embarrassing to admit, mind you, I am supposed to be the elder one afterall -with the outgoing-ness, being able to just arrange something with friends and just going ahead with it without sweating all the small stuff (though that part may be simply attributed to our respective personalities) and most overbearingly,  the effort he puts in to change the status quo. Cause he wasn't like this just a few months ago. He was unmotivated, a layabout, etc, not really positive attributes, don't you think? He made good use of the transition to JC to change those things; imagine, if you will, something on the order of what you type in your list of New Year's Resolutions (if you're into that kind of thing); yeah, he's managed to do it. Heh, I guess if you read this, you could treat this as an weak-minded older brother's inferiority complex, but that'd be missing the point =)

I'll try to change, but in my own quiet way, since I've long since realized that those loud open declarations don't really work.

New aspiration: Cracked.com writer, or at least, to give it a shot :)

Waiting for the blood moon to rise, so I might as well, though I do ask myself why I'm not mugging, a nagging question that's been at the back of my head for much of the day.

I went for a proper run this evening; jogged down to the stadium and started running laps. It's pretty telling of my physical condition that I could only run 1.2 (I'll leave you to guess whether it's km or rounds) continuously and had to walk 1 round at least. The funny thing was that my legs felt perfectly fine, only my heart and lungs were having difficulty holding out. Heh but I had my worst cramps ever afterwards, when I jumped up to reach the pullup bar. My feet dangled and the calf muscles on both legs spontaneously cramped up, forcing me to stand on tiptoe for awhile before I managed to force myself to stand properly in order to stretch the muscle. Oww. Idk whether I'll be able to run tomorrow.

The most insidious lies aren't those you tell other people, but those you tell to yourself.  Now, I could just leave that line there and move on, but I have this horrible penchant for over-elaboration, which does tend to ruin the simplistic beauty of a single line. A pity... Well, moving on:


I've been reading this book: On and off the past few weeks, and it does tend to give one certain ideas. Now, I'm not even halfway through the book, and looking at the chapter titles, I think these ideas may be in the latter part, but I just wanna throw them out first, to see whether they change after reading that portion. 


So, going back to that first line: The most insidious lies aren't those you tell other people, but those you tell to yourself. The classic knee-jerk response of most when they realize they've been lied to is mistrust. (Note that my use of "most" here may be holly inaccurate. In fact, it may even be intentionally inaccurate, with the intent of imbuing you, the reader with a sense of superiority, of being above the masses, and hence endearing myself to you. Go figure.) Those of more questioning inclinations may ask why the lie was told: was it a white lie? to gain some sort of personal benefit? for the greater good? was it with malicious intent? etc. The possible reasons are endless, it seems. But it is undeniable, with a culture that salutes honesty (on the most basic level, at least) that lying to another member of society is generally frowned upon. Why then, do I say that below such lies lie (pardon the pun) a lower level of lies, i.e. those which you tell yourself?

Well, I'm not sure how to put it, actually, it seems quite intuitive to me, but just try seeing it this way: It's one thing to cheat/lie to the rest of the world, but quite another to extend the veil of deception over yourself as well, right? Belligerently telling yourself that it doesn't matter to you, when it really does; that you don't care, when you actually do. Even worse are the promises that you make to yourself, which you fail to keep. To put it simply, when you lie to yourself, when you fail yourself, you lose something. It's not something that's readily quantifiable, but if I had to put it into words, I guess I'd say that it erodes your self-confidence. Not only that; lies can't mask the truth forever, no? You may be able to get by, floating blissfully in that bubble of self-deceit, but the truth has a tendency of intruding at the most inopportune of moments. And all that awaits, is a long, hard fall. I still remember this episode of Singapore Idol a few seasons back (I forget how many), when we were still chasing the American Idol craze that really left me with a vivid impression. One of the idol hopefuls (and I mean this in the loosest sense of the word) was this girl, she couldn't sing, couldn't dance, and was attempting some easily forgettable song. It seemed like a parody. She was rebuffed by the judge, harshly, and broke down. I recall myself wondering how she couldn't have known that that was the only possible outcome; didn't her friends say anything to her? And mustn't she have known, on some level, exactly how good she was?

Heh, but of course, if you take another slant, look at it from another angle (there seem to be an infinite amount of them, these days) You could see such "lies" as personal motivation, to put in actual effort to turn the lie into reality.

Well, it's almost 4, and I'm admittedly losing steam, having had to play hide-and-seek with the eclipsing moon that finally disappeared behind the screen of clouds for good, and having my spirits dampened when aforesaid clouds unleashed a downpour that'd been building up for the better of the evening, sending my family scurrying indoors, so I'll cease the spammage here. (Or I could always save the post and come back to it another day, but it requires a certain mood, y'know, and I find that once I set things aside, I tend to take awhile before re-embarking on them, on the rare occasions that I do. My backlog of unpublished drafts holds testament to that)

Darn it, Bleach isn't out yet. One of the reasons why I'd like to take up Japanese after the A's, then I could volunteer in a scanlating team and get first access to those raws :D /Otaku

Space is a very important thing, methinks. The phrase "Too close for comfort" didn't spring fully-formed out of nowhere, now did it? There's a beauty to space, something that's more than aesthetically pleasing, something that's emotionally calming, perhaps. Time stretches, while at the same time, it's so limited, insufficient. And I find that in the face of this "Time", the will to reach out, to spend more than the most rudimentary of efforts to pull it off is much diminished. It's as if I'm shedding arms, legs, feet, and just continuing on this trajectory in this flow, alone, come what may. It's not a lonely feeling. It's quite surreal, actually. Kind of like floating, unimpeded through a thin mist of events.

I have some awesome juniors, I'm proud to say. They gave us an awesome farewell on Saturday, though it was a little unplanned, and the rain kind of dampened (get it? XD) our plans at ECP. (Kind of makes me wonder why it's so hard to get our class to do anything together, really. Is there really a need for meticulous planning and all before we can get something going? It's all a lack of willingness I guess...) I got dunked in the sea for the first time ever, and believe me, I did my best to resist it; but there's only so much one guy can do against three >.< Also swam in the sea a little, so that's something to strike off my list of "I have never". Some beach captain's ball after that, which involved lots of sand spraying everywhere, with the sucky thing being that even if sand gets into your eyes, there's just no way to wipe it off since your hands, your clothes, everything is covered with this gritty layer of sand that just sticks to you.

Something which I was quite touched by was that besides the usual notes and cards, they also got those model gun sets made out of wood and spent the effort to put them together for us. Quite a bit of effort put into it.

Well, it was fun, and I appreciated their company, but just a little food for thought. Just take it as something totally independent if you want to. I'm just wondering, and have been wondering for a long time now; at what point do things cross over from social to personal. When do you actually disembark from the social level of interactions, from simply mingling within the same social circle to a more personal level?  I know that this question probably just amounts to grasping at thin air, a little futile; perhaps revealing of how unschooled I am at such interactions, if you are inclined to go into meta-analysis, however, I feel that it bears asking nonetheless. It's quite crucial, don't you think? To minimize vulnerabilities from misunderstandings and so on. Of course, I don't normally think about these kinds of stuff as I go about everyday life, meeting with others; it'd be pretty scary, not to mention practically two-faced if I did.

Or perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree. Maybe there aren't any personal interactions at all. But that's a particularly horrific thought that doesn't bear thinking.

Just something quick to get me in the appropriate mood to write farewell notes for my juniors.

I just spent some time typing out the points/ideas Jack, Amos and I came up with for our NEFMQ submission, and I kinda realize the main problem I have with econs essays (or essays in general, I guess): I'm unable to stick to that one line of thought consistently and maintain a single coherent thread of argument throughout. Whenever I write, I find the ideas a little disjointed; the points are there, I just don't have to foggiest idea of how I should string them together, especially when there are so many ideas just positively clamoring to be let loose. I'm constantly faced with a dilemma: To just let loose and end up vomiting over the whole thing and ending up with well...a pool of acidic vomit I guess (I never claimed to be poetic with my metaphors, now did I?) or at the other end of the spectrum, to clamp down too tightly and end up with writer's block. It's only on the rare occasion that I manage to attain that absolutely perfect balance of control and every thing just flows smoothly; from head to paper, and it's just magic. 

Heh, I know this sounds pretty pedo but I'll say it anyway: I absolutely love little kids :D Yes, they can be horribly self-centered at times, or absolutely clingy at others but they're just so cute lol. That boundless energy is just refreshing and is reminiscent of those Primary School days when we could just run around madly, not fearing anything, never feeling tired. Rather that consuming our youth as a novel source of food, I humbly suggest that we immediately get to work on researching means by which we can tap upon that seemingly limitless energy as a renewable energy source. Imagine; one housing unit powered by a single child, with the trifling input of food, water, toys; nothing we don't already provide them with, surely. The houses of the future won't be powered by wind or solar energy, but by the single most prevalent product in EVERY nation worldwide; kids? Low fertility rates? What further incentive would be needed but Baby Power? XP

On a more serious note, the joint-house CIP today was a pretty enjoyable experience. I know it was meant to be for the enjoyment of the kids, but heck, I had a fun time as well! We were told not to get too close to our buddies as we'd only be with them that one time, and to just take good care of them, make sure they have fun. But when you see earnest, innocent faces like theirs' you just can't help it, really :) It was really tiring chasing Shi Jun around, especially since he was so energetic but it was a pretty fulfilling experience to see him having so much fun. And when the Frisbee facilitators were fan-boying over his throwing skills, I couldn't help but feel a little proud myself. All in all, a good experience; I realized I'm not that bad at taking care of people as well! The only sad part was when we had to bid our buddies farewell. They weren't really that sad, cause I don't think they fully realize that we likely won't be seeing each other ever again. But it gave me a really wistful feeling, kinda makes you think about encounters with the more significant people in our lives; and how we may have to part, sometime, for some reason or other.

Made some new friends as well. Haha randomly, P.School kids have the lamest of jokes.
Shi Jun: Why is an octopus very smelly?
Me: Haha, I don't know, why?
Shi Jun: Because it has 8 armpits! HAHAHAHA
Me: =.=

Yup, I've spent enough time here, time to get those notes written.
 

The Law of Equivalent Exchange (FMA): You can't gain something unless you lose something of equivalent value first.

Well, I don't really relish the idea of using human souls, not to mention I don't have a Philosopher's Stone on hand, so that's completely out of the question. I'm not sure bout the exact value but I'll give up Dota (I've won practically every game this week; pub stomping is getting a little boring), re-reading manga and my afternoon naps to expedite the mugging. Can't really bring myself to give up Cracked and those that I'm currently following, so this'll have to do. I just hope I'm not too late.

CIP tomorrow, kinda looking forward to it.

One week into the hols, and I feel my brain steadily dying. Perhaps its from the lack of stimulus lately, life seems to be in the doldrums. Lately I find myself devoid of energy, this sian feeling taking over my body - which isn't entirely due to the mugging, I'm sure -  and at night, even when I decide to cut a night of aimless vegetating in front of my computer short and go to bed, I end up staring at the ceiling fan, watching it whirl around, much like the thoughts going through my head, despite my best efforts to clear it.

Things used to be so easy: Just one push of the button and everything's just flushed down the toilet bowl (an unfortunately created mental association which was part of this "trick" I had to clear my head when I shoot)

But it's so much harder now. Things that have to be dealt with cautiously, because one misplaced word could ruin the whole magic that keeps things going. Much like how in those cartoons that used to air when I was a kid; Wile E. Coyote simply runs off a cliff and keeps going through the air till he finally notices the improbability of the situation and gravity gleefully reaches for him, urging him to keep his date with the ground.

Diagrammatic illustrations FTW

To point out the inconsistencies would be to invite discord. So I hold my mouth, looking for the words, looking to be tactful, looking to say WHATEVER except the very words that are on the tip of my tongue. Cause I know that once I let them tumble from my mouth, there's no going back. In Econs, and in common sense, even, we have cost - benefit analyses, and I feel, that in this case, the costs surely outweigh the benefits of getting it off my chest. It's probably naive of me to think that I'll be able to keep holding them back, but I see no other choice.

Heh, just a random thought: Being open is really easier than keeping things to yourself. With the latter, you're bearing the burden all by yourself, while with the former you get to foist it off on your perhaps unwilling victims. Hopefully you can see, that with this line of argument, or at least the phrasing (read into the nuances people!), I'm leaning towards the latter as the less selfish option. Others have their own problems, so though I have a propensity to bitch, I'd rather not add onto them.

We had this compre for GP that talked about a "confessional culture" among today's youth, and I kinda agree with that observation. The prevailing view seems to be that if you don't share much of yourself, you're not being authentic, not serious about making friends. It seems that in our haste to develop relationships, we mistake the "symptoms" (knowing intimate details about each other etc.) of close relationships for the "cause" so to speak and feel that by sharing a multitude of such  pieces of information, a relationship will necessarily deepen. Not quite a social malaise but it has this effect of crowding out "authentic" relationships. Not to mention it gets progressively harder to differentiate between someone who listens because they genuinely care and one who listens cause of social etiquette.

I just thought I'd better say something to offset the coldly calculating tone I tend to adopt, but I don't really know what to say.. I don't doubt that there are those who are genuine at heart, and am proud to count them among my friends. Well, obviously one would tend to think that of their own group of friends but whatever, I don't feel inclined to push the point. Now that I've got my bases secured, I'm off!

I saw a paper boat lying in the grass today on my way back, having taken a 30 min long detour. I find it kinda cool that there's someone out there other than me, who likes to fold paper boats out of random scraps of paper. Doing such small things gives me joy, I guess I've been influenced in part by Orson Scott Card's "The Tales of Alvin Maker" series; the idea of holding back the "Unmaker", the force of chaos, destruction et al, through the small actions of individuals, each creating a little order, a little something special out of the most mundane stuff; I found the idea really appealing and it stuck to me.

I'd like to share one quote which I came across today/yesterday (does it even matter?). It's been attributed to Goethe but some other sources say otherwise, so I won't be putting down the source. Here it is:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

 Blind optimism, or true wisdom? Cynics may believe in the former; but as I am, I'd rather go with the latter, thank you very much. Wisdom because beyond Luck and Providence paving the way once one decides to commit, I believe that through the very act of committing fully, of denying oneself any backup plans and alternatives, the motivation and drive to succeed will be that much stronger, and the likelihood of achieving success will thus be that much higher. Logically speaking, burning bridges, so to speak, is akin to committing suicide. We are constantly cautioned to keep our options open, and scoff at the foolishness of those who work themselves into a corner. However, I believe many have heard the story of the general who burned his bridges, and in doing so, closed off his army's only route of retreat. With no other way out but forwards, they pressed on with their lives on the line, and went on to win the war.

We fear failure, and fear the potential crushing disappointment should we commit fully and come out worse off in the engagement. When we encounter failure, we want to be able to tell others (and even ourselves, at times) "Nah, it was no big deal, it didn't really matter to me after all". I know that this helps us to cope with setbacks in life, but if we go in mentally prepared to fail, then how in the world can we expect ourselves to achieve much success? Some, or even much of life may not require 100% of our effort, but then those crucial moments come along, where we won't be able to just wing it, where we won't get through if we hold even 1% in reserve. Rather than attempting to differentiate between these circumstances; and trust (rather naively) that we'd instinctively recognize such situations and be able to give our all in them, I think it'd be a better idea for us to start getting used to doing so pretty soon, especially considering what a crucial point we're at now.

I'm not a good example. All too often, I find myself saying that I'll "sign up for fun", and so on, and thinking about it (when I do) gets me kind of pissed off at my own lackadaisical attitude. Pissed off at my weakness that requires such shallow words and thinking to shield myself, and as a crutch to lift myself up when I fall. I don't want to be so weak, and yet, this is not one of those situations where pointing out the problem naturally engenders a cure.

Phew, I wonder how I managed to arrive at this point from a quote that was supposed to be inspirational, yet I don't feel inclined to delete the above words, so I'll just leave them be. Ending off, for those of you who fear to commit, to decisively declare, both to the world and yourself: "Yes! I'll do it!" , well, you're not alone, cause at the very least, I'm here struggling with it as well. And don't worry, cause someday down the road, WE WILL DO IT! (Heh, see what I just did there? Now to come through on it)

sorry if my tone seems to fluctuate throughout the post, sometimes even I don't know whether I'm being serious or not :/

Time for a post. The hols have this miraculous slowing down effect, life progresses at a slower pace (despite the looming specter of the CTs and the mugging necessitated), there's so much less to focus on and my brain thus moves in to feel the gap, latching on to the passing events in the flow of time and appreciating the opportunity of finally having the luxury of being able to process them. So please do pardon me if when I lapse into self-indulgent rambling. Remember; it's your own fault that you're here, so deal with it =)

I find some things unfathomable, like say some people's reactions to the most innocuous of actions. I'm the kind of person who instinctively attempts to reason and rationalize the things happening around me, and I'd say that despite not being the most perceptive person around, I'm not all that bad at understanding the motivations behind what others do (given enough time), so I find such occurrences where I am totally unable to do so utterly puzzling and am left bewildered. My eventual conclusion is one that doesn't leave me very happy at all.

I'm getting tired of selfishness, power games and their ilk. The lack of maturity from all sides involved is getting on my nerves.

Selfishness: I mean okay, of course I understand that times are tight; life's a rat race where we just have to come in ahead of the competition, there's often little room for us to be concerned about others' interests before our own, but really. Self-preservation is an instinct that even the lowliest of organisms possess. Don't you think that as rational thinking beings, self-proclaimed "stewards" of this planet; we should be able to rise above this most basic of instincts, give life a more "human" touch; if I may put it that way? I can be tolerant of selfish behaviour, I accept it occasionally surfacing in those I care about, nor do I deny being selfish myself; nobody's perfect, afterall. However, I really would appreciate it if we all put even a little more effort into overcoming this in-built myopic-ness. In fact, I'm really touched when I observe such behaviour being exhibited.

Power games: My, aren't they just fun. Basically two parties messing with each other through mostly juvenile means in an attempt to establish some form of "dominance" over the other. Even more exciting is that there's never really an end to it; even if one side wants to end it/back out, so long as the other still retains insecurities about their position, on with the games! If the other doesn't respond, complete and utter pwnage occurs. Amazing, ain't it? Imo it may have something to do with an innate desire to establish and gauge our positions on the ever-so-metaphorical societal "ladder" relative to those around us. Do note that this is just a pet theory of mine. It's entirely possible that I'm being overly sensitive, seeing these "power games" when there aren't any; and perhaps I'm being the 小人 in this case, taking too much notice of what others see as merely inconsequential. And I'll never be able to fully justify this belief. All I can do is to implore you to give it a try: Try inspecting the societal interactions around you and see if you can't see some evidence that lends it some credence in your eyes afterall. BUT assuming that they're true, I bet that you, too could understand why I'd be tired of them. Seeing others constantly engaged in them, and experiencing the spillover effects of the ill feelings engendered in the course of these games; wondering at the ridiculousness of it all...

Well, I've noticed that I only really take notice at the point when patience wears thin, the days where all the unfortunate events just keep piling up, accumulating. So its probably not that big of a deal at all.

Shopping with my family was oddly therapeutic; I'm beginning to see how some could find it addictive, barring the prohibitively high costs, and the eventual guilt at having spent so much on just clothes. Hahaha

Oh and btw, for those of you who read the huge chunks above; if you thought I was talking about you, then that means I probably wasn't, so go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back =)

I love my grandmother. She doesn't expect anything of me, and understands. I don't know how else to put it. I think that no matter how cynical and callous I get (won't be growing roots and shoots anytime soon though), a few quiet words of hers can still touch my heart.

Started mugging properly today. Productivity wasn't all that, but at least it's a start, right?

Mad World

Dysfunctional little people in a big dysfunctional world.

I am not ignorant of the pain/unhappiness/angst that each of us faces. Some of us may be more vocal about it (like myself), while others may simply choose to not be as open about it. That's why each and every day is a surprise to me. I'm constantly amazed at how society manages to toddle around despite the seemingly chronic depression which afflicts us humans. Now, that's just an observation based on what I've seen on the 'net, so there may be a silent majority of happy, contented, beatific individuals for all I know -or perhaps I'm simply looking at the wrong sites. But (and do feel free to correct me on this), intuitively I don't think that's the case. And so I go on being impressed; At the duality of human nature: The efficiency with which we can segment our emotions, which allows us to wax lyrical about how we're falling into an abyss of darkness or shit, for example, and the next day, step out into the sunshine with a smile on our face, joking with individuals who may well have been blogging about the death of their pet goldfish the very day before.

Haunting my dreams...can't get it out of my head.

The near-frantic search for misplaced notes as I sought to gather my materials for the coming month kinda makes me wish I hadn't inherited my family's near-aversion to orderliness and organization. Was quite fail that the chem bonding notes I'd been turning the house upside down to look for ended up being with my brother - I lent them to him earlier in a rare moment of generosity and forgot all about it.

GP wasn't too bad - I hope, though there's never any way to tell, honestly. One of the first times I've written an essay I'm marinally satisfied with, that's good. My main problem's with that wretched Paper 2, my hand actually cramped towards the end as I was frantically trying to spam out the points. I had NO time to spend planning, and only just enough to glance at the passages, search wildly for any point, instantly generate some semblance of an idea and start writing immediately :/ It didn't help that I was feeling pretty sick that day.

Going out with the guys after that raised some hoo-hah at home, and that's probably cause I said too much while trying to be accountable and all that. Makes me regret it a little. The worst of it has passed though, things'll be just fine.

I hate how I've been on hair-trigger mode recently; though I may not necessarily show it, now its such that sometimes even the most trivial things can get me seething and my brain starts throwing out the most deplorable arguments and I become horribly cynical. I'm a little afraid of letting this side burst out uncontrolled though, despite the effort it takes to reign it in, cause I really don't want to lose/scare off my friends, I haven't got that many to lose, and I do treasure them, really.

"When we passed each other, she didn't deign to even say hello, ... ... How, then, can I believe that our parting caused her any tears?"
-Urdu poet Mirza Ghalib

Really resonates.

Condemnation can occur in a matter of seconds, requires little thought and next to no sensitivity at all. Yet its effects can be particularly hurtful.

A smile doesn't require much effort at all, so I put mine on before I step out the door.

Braindead after the pre-emlistment checkup. I'm so going to fail GP tmr. It wasn't so much the medical checkup, though having to get poked both in the left and right arm sucked a little. It was more the mind-numbingly long vocation allocation test that killed me. Like fine, I can see the point of it, but do you have to make it so that it takes more than 2 hours to do!? Seriously. A never-ending slew of questions demanding for me to arrange, manipulate, mess around with nonsensical strings of letters simply to test how well I follow instructions? If it weren't serious business I'd have started filling in nonsense back at them a long time ago.

I'd like to whine more, but it's starting to feel pathetic so will leave it at that.

Sister: I can't believe my big brother failed

I know she wasn't being serious; but it's a galling feeling nonetheless, one I don't really want to feel ever again if I can help it. I'm not afraid to fail, but rather am fearful of the reactions of those around me. Sometimes I just want to chop away those threads, but can't quite bring myself to do it.

I find it pretty ironic that such an irresponsible person like myself could have such a strong sense of responsibility. It's a pretty lousy combo, if you ask me. It sucks to have to constantly apologize for my own ineptitude. Too often it seems like I'm having to make up for lack of ability with enthusiasm, and even then, its sometimes just not enough.

The Colours of Gold

Green, Black, White,
The Colours Of Gold

This year's slogan, printed proudly on banners that greeted visitors to RI's Openhouse yesterday. I had some free time after Jack's CIP, and it was on the way back, so I dropped by for a looksee, not in the capacity as a student, but rather as an "alumnus" so to speak. It was a pretty visceral experience. Seeing a place that had been virtually a second home; that ought to have been exceedingly familiar yet simply wasn't. Things had changed round campus, true, but not by that much. I had changed, and just didn't feel as comfortable there anymore. Memories called forth of a time - what, 6 years back? - when I first visited the premises, astounded by it all. Then the awe gradually faded till it eventually vanished and I came out 4 years later saying: RI's nothing special at all.

The rare opportunity to enter the heritage centre, nestled behind the amphitheatre (at least I think that's what it's called) presented itself, and changed all that. I think Mr Mac, LLC and other such august personalities can go about talking about our institution's "tradition of excellence" and so on, but it all sounds contrived, shameless propaganda till you actually get to "see" it for yourself. Walking through the centre, seeing the artefacts on display, the weight of history starts to sink in. Crackly documents kept painstakingly in good condition, previous projects done by seniors of batches long gone, and the trophies. You can't help but feel a certain sense of pride at belonging to a school that has history. I mean, how many other schools have trophies that are actually old enough to have corroded till the engravings are practically indecipherable?!

The relentless turning of the clock as modernization does it's work may mean that RI is no longer as distinguished from it's peers - and that's a good thing for Singapore, I'd like to add - and the ubiquitousness of high achievers may mean that our generation may not have as much to contribute to the school's grandeur as compared to our predecessors, but knowing the weight of that history, feeling it upon our shoulders, is something that I think every student who passes through the school should experience intimately. With that as a guidepost, I honestly think that whatever we do, we won't go too far wrong.

Weiqi farewell yesterday as well. I'm nowhere near as close to my weiqi ccamates as compared to some shooters so the feeling wasn't that intense. A little empty, to be honest. I think what I've taken away are more the lessons I've learnt as a Weiqi player. I'm an amateur, true, and you won't be seeing me analysing any real games anytime soon, but I believe I've played enough, at least, to have internalized some stuff.

The most important one's to never stop fighting, even if the effort required seems to far outrival the potential gains. Small battles/skirmishes may not seem like much individually, but they just might end up winning you the war. Out of the few games that I've completed, there've already been a couple which were really close; only a difference of one seed even. Once you've seen that things can be so close, the realization sinks in that you can't afford not to fight it out. No obvious opportunity to fight? Screw it, just create one yourself! Skill and strategy are undeniably important, but tenacity weighs in pre-tty heavily as well, especially when you aren't too advantaged in the first two areas. It's helped to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat many times already. And if despite all your efforts, you're still unable to win, then just graciously admit defeat. It's the hard-fought fight that really lets you learn and grow, be it victory or defeat, rather than an easy win.

After saying all that, I don't really feel like giving up, despite my lack of success up despite all my efforts. Or maybe I should say that I couldn't give it up even if I wanted to? Hmmm

Volunteered at Jack's Y-Environment event today. Now I know what it's like to be a door-to-door salesman, but in this case; FOR THE ENVIRONMENT *cue dramatic overtones* The Hougang residents seemed pretty familiar with recycling etiquette already, which made our job much earlier. I can't for the life of me imagine describing recycling to someone to whom the concept is foreign IN CHINESE xD

Yesterday was a good day (other than the consecutive tests I mean) So was today.

One thing that troubles me during PM PE when the whole class plays together is that I'm never really sure whether I'm being too rough, whether it's too much like bullying the girls (hope I don't come off as being sexist..) etc. Personally, I think I go too far at times, out of a desire to play all out but not doing so leaves a certain feeling of dissatisfaction. Well, seems like most of us had fun so I may be overthinking things, I hope.

I think I've said this before but anyway, I really admire/look up to/envy/respect and am generally in awe of those who have talents in the arts. Perhaps it's just my general lack thereof in that area but I also find the ability to take something mundane, and with one's hands and effort, transform it into something unique, extraordinary really really impressive. Yup I got an attempt at pottery-making (no idea what I'm supposed to call it) at the Terra Incognita exhibition today and all I can say is: It's not as easy as it looks. Shape, pinch, push, pull...yeah shan't say anymore and further parade my ignorance. Trying it myself made me appreciate the pieces they had on display even more xD

The Chinese Drama production was really good! I didn't catch some of the jokes but that was due to my lack of proficiency. The setting of their main drama was a little contrived, and it was choke full of the usual cliches but it was thought-provoking nonetheless and the execution was nothing short of superb. Instead of leaving behind regrets and problems after one leaves this revolving ball of dirt (iron, and other assorted minerals nonwithstanding) why not try (and try hard) to minimize them? Abit duh but we'll see what I can do bout it.

Seems like controlling myself isn't proving to be a very effective strategy; it means some people just won't know I'm pissed till the day I snap and murder someone, or do something else socially unacceptable. Good thing I've been able to more or less keep it in till now.

Well, gotta study for Math now. Bye.

Justice

I don't believe in "justice". The idea that "right" will be rewarded, "wrong" punished, and the black-and-white world that it paints.

We were born, pristine at birth, to be tainted by this world, to do wrong. We can literally, do nothing that's completely, 100% right! I find it hard to believe, and find the idea ludicrous even, that there's some entity out there, armed with a "Yes/No" console, with the threshold set at some arbitrarily predetermined degree of "wrongness" so to speak. So, you cross the value? *Beep* rewarded. Fail to meet it? *Beep* punishment. And that's when you set aside their respective magnitudes as well.

That aside, I'm pretty sure that there is an insurmountable wealth of empirical evidence from our daily lives to show that "justice" does not always prevail. The exploitation of the weak by the strong continues, with vast profits being reaped, and countless selfless individuals die each day, unrecognized, unremembered. If "justice" did exist, why is this the case? Shouldn't its absolute, irresistible nature necessarily prevent such occurrences?

I humbly put forward that "justice" as we typically think of it, is an artifice of purely human origin. Nature, or the universe, in fact, doesn't care - and I use the word loosely - about what's "just" or not, it simply functions following those few basic laws. It is the innate need of us humans to prescribe value to things and objects, to facilitate evaluation and comparison, and in certain cases, conferring upon us a moral "highground" of sorts which gave rise to the concept in the first place. In this context, the usage of manmade apparatus to enforce this human-conceived concept may seem laughable, much like how children might use arbitrary punishments to enforce those arbitrary rules in their arbitrary little games.

Well, that got away from me for awhile. Still following? Good.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as we go about our lives, the preoccupation shouldn't be with trying to do the "right" thing out of a desire to attain rewards, or to shy away from doing wrong for fear of the repercussions. In the absence of any such consequences for one's actions, what then should be the guiding light for such actions? I know that I've arrived at an outcome that many would probably find cliched, but honestly - and let's all be honest here - how many of us can say that they've never been directed by either the carrot or the stick, or, to be more specific, let's say perceived carrot or stick? I'm guessing that number approaches 0.

How is this important? Well, what I've noticed is that so many of us, in the process of attempting to do the "right" thing in the course of daily life, have to put up with certain degrees of inconvenience, loss, and/or personal sacrifice. It's a pretty noble thing, no denying it. I just thought it'd be good to clarify what we're doing it for.

Hope it helps.

On more mundane matters, Badminton match support that occurred today was really exhilarating. It's not so often that you get to see your schoolmates compete, especially in a finals, and I could really feel the support that the spectators who turned up had for our players. It kinda made me wish that shooting was a more spectator-friendly sport, as I'd appreciate the chance for my peers to learn a little more about my sport, possibly get more interested in it, as I undeniably was as I saw the entrancing plays by the team.

Cheered so much that my voice has gone a little hoarse, and I actually managed to clap so much, so hard that towards the end, I could barely bring myself to clap cause of the pain on the back of my hands. I'm retarded that way =)

Mr Ngan, you GMH in some strange way. Shan't over-elaborate here, heh.

I've got lots to say but don't quite have the words to say them. But what are words, when you get down to it? That's what I've been asking myself this past weekend ><

Suggestions are welcome :)

As I clasp that small hand within mine, I just know that there's more to life than test after test, a rabid mugging frenzy. And yet I rage at my helplessness to pursue that which I know to be there.

If you can't beat the system, then no choice but to be a slave to it. Well, at least I'm aware of it, which is more than I can say for some people.

Sigh...just spent a little more than an hour helping my sister do some editing for her stupid project and she just went to sleep without even saying a word of thanks. I'm justifiably pissed, methinks.

Uni admission considerations are giving me alot to thnk about. But better to think about it and have an idea now, IMO than rush through, focusing entirely on the A's then come out thinking: Now what???

That said, I've got to get myself out of this "holiday mood", there's no time to spare; I'm in big 5h!+, especially for GP.

Brrrainns

It's amazing how good I feel with a couple of hours of sleep under my belt =)

I realize that at times, I inadvertently (and please do trust me when I say that this is so)  say something unintentionally hurtful and/or insensitive, which well, hurts the people I care about. I do make an effort to watch my words, but if something slips out that really displeases you, please tell me, and I'll be more watchful in the future.

Just some thoughts on the issue of irreplaceable or not. I mean; objectively speaking, of course no one is irreplaceable, we'd be pretty screwed if there was such an individual, wouldn't we? Short of exhuming his corpse and reanimating it; we'd be pretty much helpless upon his death.

Test Subject #07511 They're still perfecting the technique...

So really, I don't think the issue should be whether someone's replaceable or not, since that's a moot point. What we (assuming we had any influence to change things, I mean) should be thinking is about is exactly how hard that person will be to replace. Obviously the PAP will be able to find someone to replace Mr Yeo, they have no lack of potential, with their focus on gathering "the future 4th generation leaders on Singapore", and that's setting aside the Second Minister for Foreign Affairs as well. But those potential 4th Gen leaders will need some grooming, some time to get up to speed, not to mention that they have huge shoes to fill. This will take time.

Haha but whatever, the deed is done, and from his defeat, apparently we've learnt that no politician is indispensable (A fallacious conclusion, in my opinion, which I'll talk more about later) and I wish him all the best in his future endeavors, and hope that his successor will be able to perform his role adequately. We'll still have him until latest 6 Nov though, so that's not too bad.

"Mr Yeo's defeat showed that no politician is indispensable" Kinda sounds like a hasty hypothesis doesn't it? Yes, Mr Yeo has played/plays a significant role in Singapore's politics, but - and I mean no disrespect by saying so - he was by no means the most important. I've previously toyed with the notion of a Singapore after MM Lee kicks the proverbial bucket and to be honest, I can't envision much of a future for us at all. This seems a timely junction to state that I'm thankful that he's doing his best to keep fit, I really admire his strength of will to keep going strong even at his age.  Yes, Singapore is showing signs of moving on; no longer are we the country dominated and driven (forwards, admittedly) by the man and his ideas, and his hardline comments during the elections raised more than a few eyebrows. But there is no denying the level of respect that he commands locally, even by the younger generation, as well as on the global level. And this has transferred in some way or another to the regard they have for Singapore. Yup so perhaps I'm not imaginative enough, but I can't even dream of Singapore without him. Let's hope he keeps in good health.

If not, there's always brain transplantation ;) Hey, maybe that's why we're bringing in such young, able-bodied politicians who are arguably not really ready to be ministers yet into parliament. Read: TPL. Barring that, we could use the following setup I guess:

It's Science!

I'd leave the brain in the vat theory for another time..Now time for GP. My priorities are sooo awesomely arranged.

 

 

 

 

Brrrainns

Yes. I want your brains. So hand them over. Other parts optional :)

Interesting article on Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/article_19177_5-shocking-ways-you-overestimate-yourself.html
Nothing really new, I'm sure we've all thought about it at some point or another, but I found it pretty cool how they have evidence from experiments to back it up ;)

Haha but I wonder, does this mean my already abysmal self-image should be lowered even further?
Just kidding XP

A lack of Brevity

Note to self: It'd be pretty ironic if I were to ever be involved in a Public Service Announcement about self-medication

Been feeling sick the whole weekend, I've been sleeping much of the day and have the bed hair to prove it. Productivity's minimal as I can't concentrate through this cloudiness in my head.

Poor me. Now that I'm done with the self-pity, let's move on to less trivial issues, shall we?

The early hours of 8th May 2011, a wide-awake nation listened with bated breathe as the ever-so-implacable Returning Officer read out in his deadening monotone the results for the final constituency. It was a close fight, a difference of little more than a hundred votes. And it marked the end of the most hotly contested General Elections in recent Singapore history.

Dubbed a watershed election, the results did not fail to disappoint, as the opposition finally managed to wrest control of a GRC away from the ruling party. The swing of votes towards the opposition, in response to the sympathetic, honeyed voices of their candidates seem to echo the nation's desire for a change in Singapore's political scene, and have given the party in power much to reflect upon.

A new era is upon us, or so it would seem. The obvious ramifications of this on the future of our nation aside, what really excites me is the hitherto unseen levels of citizen participation and involvement during these elections. Online discussion was rife, perhaps in part due to the influx of young voters, who made up one fifth the electorate. The rally turnouts have been nothing short of impressive, and as you stand there on the field, listening to the roar of the crowd, and occasionally overhearing the comments of individuals, you just know that no longer can we Singaporeans be said to be a bunch of politically apathetic folks. (Well at least now all us GP students have one more point to use in those essays)On a personal level, those canteen discussions we've been having the past few weeks have been really exciting, and I've never been so motivated to read the papers in my whole life, eager to keep up to date with the latest happenings. At home, the debate was furious, as some of the staunch PAP supporters amongst us suddenly found ourselves having to deal with an opposition advocate in our midst.

Much has been said about the crediility of this year's candidates, quite possibly epitomized by the WP's 'A' team which succesfully snatched Aljunied GRC by a sizeable margin, ousting Foreign Minister George Yeo from Parliament. The GRC system is an uniquely odd one, satirized most aptly, perhaps by a post on MM Lee's (presumably false) Twitter feed: "There should be one GRC with 87 seats." A system with the supposed intention of encouraging campaigning on multiracial platforms but also one which everyone knows was meant to ensure the continuity of PAP rule. But this time round, it has cost the PAP dearly. To be populist about it, was getting the likes of one Ms Tin Pei Ling into Parliament worth the sacrifice of a highly competent Minister who has served both loyally and well for so long?

I earnestly hope that this is a question the PAP ponders upon when the time comes for the next round of elections in 5 years time, rather than accusing the opposition of giving residents an emotional dilemma by fielding all their most competent candidates in the same GRC. Furthermore, victory margins are narrowing, I'm pretty sure the PAP doesn't want to lose more of its capable Ministers; which regardless how you slice it, IS a significant loss to our country.

All things said and done, life goes on. Our newly triumphant opposition MPs will have to prove that they can not only talk the talk, but also walk the walk as we embark upon a new chapter in Singapore politics, lest MM Lee's prophetic sounding Doomsday condemnation on the residents of Aljunied GRC were to really come true X) I dread to think what that particular outcome might herald for opposition politics in the future.

We shall see. And by then, I'll be of voting age, and will judge their success (or failure) for myself ;)

Btw, the "challenge shield" we made for the new exco turned out totally awesome! (Thanks Sherri!) Haha it was really heartening and personally gratifying to see how much they liked it =) made all the effort seem worth it: figuring out how to get the engraving done, devising a method to cut the cans uniformly, all the time spent actually doing it, as well as the final touches that really did alot to make it look presentable.

Whee

And it be done

It's done. Elections and our passing over ceremony. Testament to how taxing it was is probably how I simply collapsed upon getting home. The deliberative process was by no means easy; it got a little confrontational at times, none of us willing to back down, staunchly standing by our "choices".

To be honest, mine wasn't totally rational. I may have attributed more credit than is due, investing more faith into certain individuals than is probably wise. However -
and this I state with all conviction - I do believe, if not in their capability then at least that their hearts are in the right place (not to flog a dead horse, but naturally that'd be canted to the left)and that they'll give the club their all. I have little reservation in handing the club over to them. Which is all one can ask for, ain't it?

How things turn out for the next year is now up to them.

Aside, a dream I just had is really telling for me; that while I keep telling myself that I've gotten over it and moved on, my subconscious, at least, doesn't agree. It just can't let go, and I don't know what I should do about it. Perhaps I should try to get it resolved properly? But that doesn't seem like a very smart move atm. Dilemma...

To march forwards, without regrets, without doubt is something I really want to do. Why then, can't I prevent my head from turning back?