Sometimes there's this feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me. It's nothing specifically rooted in the present, but rather a deadening awareness that whatever I do my life will be consumed by something quite indescribable. Say for example I could be sitting in the car with my mum, not exactly the best mood going on, awkward-ish conversation, and I wonder whether that's where life will lead me, going to work, coming back, stressing over making a living, to support kids who honestly care more about their own lives (which I'd no doubt be part of, but not a super major one), their own concerns; some of which they really won't be able to share with me. An adult life that mainly revolves around the familial unit rather than around the individual, and yet one permeated with a distinctly individual melancholy which simply can't be shared.
Perhaps it's simply my youth speaking and hopefully my perspective will change with time, when I get to experience the joy of parenthood perhaps, or maybe it's all about striking a balance, such that the self doesn't get subsumed in the whole, or maybe I'm just thinking selfishly, but that's what crosses my mind sometimes, and the sense of futility and despair that accompanies it. Is that all there's gonna be to life?
And yet it was a pretty good weekend. Out camp run at Bishan Park on Friday (verynice place after being revamped) which coincided with my L2 seniors' ORD - we spent the previous night making cards for them - and played street soccer afterwards till we got totally shagged out in the mid-afternoon sun, then was about to go home when I got a call from my mum for an impromptu lunch at J8. I happened to meet a junior I used to be quite close to who was flying back to China on Sunday, managed to chat a bit with her before lunch, which was nice. I had to return to camp that night, supposedly to help unload the tanks and bridges coming back from Wallaby but things were held up at the port so we just changed out of our servicings and headed home without getting anything done...Gedong is freaking ulu; luckily I got a ride home from my CSM, so though it was quite suay, it wasn't too bad. Also got to talk to an old sectionmate who was on duty as Alpha's COS for an hour or so; an upside to coming in 2 hrs early I guess? Friday, a day for unexpected reunions maybe hahah.
Saturday; I somehow got to HTHT-ing with my brother while hiding away from my cousin's uni friends who came over for his birthday celebration (damn anti-social hahah) and realized that we think pretty similarly in a pretty screwed up kinda way, result of upbringing probably, but it's cool to have one more person to occasionally talk to, now that we're no longer fighting so much like we used to xP
And today I finally managed to keep my promise to take my sis out for a movie at Nex, Pitch Perfect, which was good, then walked around a little, paid Sandra a visit at Yoguru, it felt a bit like taking advantage of her to get a discount and more yogurt but apparently it's a staff discount and she didn't mind so no prob I guess. Picked up my other sis from the airport; back from Paris, where she spent loads, and had a family dinner before bookin back in. Bookins are so freaking unwelcome nowadays, it's like I'm literally being ripped away from my family to come back to this place to serve, but I guess that just means I should treasure my weekends so much more. I'm becoming quite adept at compartmentalizing methinks, what happens in camp stays in camp, and I won't let it affect my mood over the weekend. And with my seniors' ORD-ing the mental countdown begins.
So that's it I guess. Life, that is. Nothing great, but not too bad either. Maybe instead of focussing on how dreary or whatever the big picture is, I should enjoy these little moments of serendipity whenever I encounter them, eh? And seriously, when you can talk bout how to control your farts so that the noise is diffused while in the car with your family, what's there to hate?
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