So it's passed, in pretty lackluster fashion. Can't really believe I've blown away the 4 day long weekend just like that; I somehow thought it'd be more...fulfilling? (Sorry Amos xP)  Instead I've been feeling myself getting lazier and more sluggish as the days passed, so I'm actually kinda looking forward to booking in, and dragging my sorry ass to actually do something; besides the usual book-in dread of course, as I count down the hours to when I have to leave my comfy home to make the weekly pilgrimage to Resort Gedong.

Well anyway, for memory's sake, here's a brief recount of the weekend's (ahem) exploits:

Caught Total Recall with Amos on Friday at Nex. I think I've mentioned in passing the little obstacle course I pass through each time I want to take the bus to Serangoon MRT from my house, but now here's a couple of pictures to serve as elaboration.

 

First, some corrugated metal sheet at the end of the alley that I have to squeeze past...

 Followed by this second one which I climb over the railings and crab-walk along the edge of the longkang to overcome, before crossing the road to reach the bus stop opposite. It's fun, in a childishly idiotic way.

Total Recall is one of those action-packed movies based upon a pretty engaging premise, almost Inception-level but not quite. A healthy dose of mindfucking thrown in for good measure, and quite a bit of food for thought as well. I think the key difference between what Rekall (a corporation in the movie which claims to be able to give customers memories they never actually experienced) offers and what happens in the Matrix is in perception. In the Matrix, captives (?) experience realtime sensory input, which merely bypasses the sensory organs to simulate the actual occurrence of events, in real time, while what Rekall does is 'play with the chemicals' in the brain and so on, to give you the memory of having experienced those events. Now, my question is, is there a difference? Some may say, no, in giving you the memory, the endstate; ie what you derive from it, is exactly the  same as having gone through the event yourself. In my opinion, however, this view discounts the importance of the here & now. I don't quite know how to describe it, honestly, it's simply the feeling that there's something about this very instant, this very moment that we experience, that can never be recaptured in our memories, no matter how vividly or clearly we recall it. Treasure the present, I guess, cause when it becomes the past, you're never going to get it back.

We were left to wonder at the degeneration of our brains as we browsed through some A level materials at Popular, and I'm starting to think that I'm really screwed for the BMAT, urgh. 

And I went out with Nicholas on Saturday, decided to jio him for lunch after running into him at Northpoint while waiting for Amos on a previous occasion. The small coincidences, eh? xP Did a bit of catching up, and what I think is really sad is the common agreement we all have, of this thing called NS leaving us bereft of purpose and ambition, at least for these 2 years. It's something I have to battle against, I guess, since I simply cannot continue slacking as I have been doing. It was nice to chat, talking to old friends is just so reassuring in so many ways, you have nothing to prove, nothing to gain, nothing to lose. 

And lastly, I went to help out at my Dad's clinic this morning; was quite a shock to have him come in while I was showering and ask me to help out cause both the staff who were supposed to be down today came down with diarrhea, so half-awake, off we went. Not much to say about this I guess; just that I got to see more of the way he interacts with patients.

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Time's caught up, it seems, so till next week.

Seems like I've been burning much of the long weekend SLEEPING. Urgh..

Time crawls, in the tank shed, hydraulics pumping as the bridge goes out and in, out and in. I've pretty much burned a 'video' of the launching and retrieving sequences into my memory; visualizing what's supposed to happen next in my head before confirming it as I see it play out IRL, over and over again.

I remember staring at the back of the L2, where the exhaust vents are, belching out hot air that leaves shimmering heat waves - visible I guess cause of the non-uniform variation in refractive index the heat creates in the air - and staring too at the wavering shadows they cast upon the ground, as I entertained the most random of thoughts. Wondering whether it's possible to become invisible, by wrapping a cocoon of hot air around yourself that sufficiently redirects the light, and the associated problems and solutions, such as creating an inner cooler layer of air as well, to avoid being steamed alive. Not a very efficient method I suppose, since it'd get blown away by the merest gust of wind. Oh well. At the very least such thoughts do keep the idle mind preoccupied.

Sleep, in a way, is like a uni-directional time machine. You fall into it, and without any perception of 'time' having passed, you wake up to a new day, a world that is subtly different, yet distinctly not the world you'd departed the previous day. Pretty neat, eh? And in my distracted woolgathering, I started to think about Sleeping Beauty; was she not then the first time traveler? Wouldn't it be interesting if instead of ending with a "And they all lived happily ever after" after being awoken with the magic kiss, the story continued, the female protagonist having to adjust to a world hundreds of years in the future, with her beau-to-be facing charges for sexual assault and them having to work for an honest living in a society which no longer believes in royalty. Culture-shock, basically. Somehow I doubt the transition would be as smooth as Captain America makes it appear to be.

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A particular highlight of the week was the Nee Soon guys joining us at Gedong for their motorization phase, where they learn to deal with the Broncos, while we do our own stuff. Felt damn shiok to meet up with Section 1 once again, just sitting in the bunk and talking cock, laughing my head off at Benedict's reenactment of a particular altercation with Raphael, and of something that happened during his stint as Sect Comm. I feel really lucky that we're still treated as part of the platoon despite having been posted out. Haha I look forward to some lively post-RO nights in the coming weeks. As an aside, I'm beginning to suspect that I have some sort of in-built propensity towards phail, but I'll leave that for later.

Signing off~

*Aunt walks into our house* 

Aunt: Do you know you left the gate open? 

Mum: Eh? You mean the big one? 

Aunt: Yeah, if not how do you think I came in? Jump over the gate ah. 

Dad: Oh I opened it when I was taking pictures. 

Mum: Go close it la, we don't want rats to come in. 

Dad: Big rats? Haha that can be quite insulting.

Mum: No la, I mean those that scurry in. 

*Much later*

*Uncle comes over*

Aunt: Do you know she called me a rat?

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KYong: Look! Got a lot of ants under your chair!

*ants milling around, picking up some huge crumbs*

Mum: See, they're very hardworking. Must learn from them.

A few seconds later, she's crouching on the floor, a bunch of tissue wadded in each had, vigorously squashing them. *whack* *whack* *whack*

It's simultaneously amazing and scary when you suddenly catch a glimpse of something you originally hadn't noticed. A facet of a person close to you that you never realized was changing, be it abruptly or slowly, passing unnoticed over time. Then I can't help but wonder: What else have I missed out? What else has changed? Why didn't I notice it? And knowing as well that though some come to light, still I remain oblivious to others, and may remain that way forevermore.

Guess I can never escape the subtle signs of change at work around me, whether I am a party to that change or not. The changes in mannerisms and speech I pick up as I speak to my sister, 'fresh' into secondary school, the slightest hint of barbedness in my parents' interactions, faces which look visibly older, looser, wrinkled, liver-spotted skin, a shrunken figure, all things that while pretty benign, jar and unsettle me. Even in myself I discover change at work, when I care to conduct a thorough bout of introspection, but that, I leave for another time. Some change you accept, the change of ascendance, things growing into their own, and others some parts of me still struggle against, dearly clinging on to fragments of cherished memories, refusing to let go.

And sometimes I feel like curling up into a ball and just rejecting the world, change and all. But it's unfair, isn't it? Cause though everything in the world may reject you, you can never reject the world. The machine doesn't cry at the loss of a cog, but the cog weeps over the loss of it's place in the machine. And there's always the worry that you won't have a place in this changed organism, what then?

Been in a pretty foul/belligerent mood since booking out, don't really know why. Lightened up somewhat during that talk at NTU I attended with my parents but worsened once more on the ride back. I have no idea why simply talking calmly without getting the other person riled up can be so hard at times...

It's sad. When you want to talk about everything and anything, yet can't even begin to do so, no idea where to begin, and eventually fire off some meaningless drivel.

Off to another week at Gedong.

Just Tank It

Funny how being in camp drives away all thoughts of the outside world, which only slowly drift back to me; apprehensions towards a murky future, all the what-ifs and maybes, oozing into my mind just before lights out, as I 'lie flat flat' and prepare to sleep. So, just something to think about. I think that horrible pang of loneliness you get, as the days troubles leave your mind, and haven't yet grasped the tasks that await the next day, that horrible indescribable loneliness which you can't share, can't salve, as you lie alone in bed, that's probably one of the most acute symptoms of the "human condition"

A pretty exciting week, I mustn't forget that initial thrill of driving, of the power as I revved up the engine - an engine capable of pulling >70 tonnes, no less! - as I sat in the tank. The exhilaration felt as the sand clouds washed over us, the sand on my face, it's taste in my mouth, gritty and real. Anxiously driving, wanting to take the turns slowly, watching out constantly for the freaking corners of the bridge above, extending beyond the front of the main chassis, to ensure I wouldn't inadvertently chop down a tree along the dirt path. Of driving up that steep incline, unable to even see the ground beneath me, simply pumping the accelerator to go forwards, blindly, with my field of vision the wide sky above. Of driving closed hatch, my butt uncomfortably in contact with the floor, feeling every bump and the incessant vibrations running through my body as I drove, revved, changed gears and braked, as I tried to adjust myself to catch the barest glance of the bridge. Of trying to stay in the middle of the road, while Staff Elvin constantly berating me the whole damn way. Of the fulfillment of what is quite possibly the childhood dream most males share, right alongside flying a plane, driving a firetruck (what starts with "f" and ends with "uck" hehx) and the most literally up there one, being an astronaut. I mustn't forget the initial trepidation, and general reluctance to increase speed, especially with constant reminders to not over-rev the engine.

A Saturday burned; or half of it, at least, most of the time spent on that endless maintenance and the various checks. Good thing I had no plans.

And I must remember, to adapt fast, and adapt well. So far I've been passive, and somewhat making a fool of myself at my new home, can't let this go on if I still want to remain in the game, right?

'I cannot say' said Lady LeJean

One Auditor said. You persist in using a personal pronoun.

And one added, And you have not died! To be an individual is to live, and to live is to die!

'Yes, I know. But it is essential for humans to use the personal pronoun. It divides the universe into two parts. The darkness behind the eyes, where the little voice is, and everything else. It is... a horrible feeling. It is like being... questioned, all the time.'

One said, what is the little voice?

'Sometimes thinking is like talking to another person, but that person is also you.'

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'Grey would be acceptable,' said Mr Green.

'Nevertheless, you are Mr Green. We are Mr Black. It is a matter of status'

'If that is the case,' said Miss White, 'white is higher status than black. Black is absence of colour.'

'The point is valid,' said Mr Black. 'Therefore we are now Mr White. You are Miss Red.'

'You previously indicated that you were Mr Black.'

'New information indicates a change of position. This does not indicate incorrectness of said previous position.'

It's happening already, though Lady LeJean. It's in the darkness where your eyes can't see. The universe becomes two halves, and you live in the half behind the eyes. Once you have a body, you have a 'me'.

I have seen galaxies die. I have watched atoms dance. But until I had the dark behind the eyes, I didn't know the death from the dance. And we were wrong. When you pour water into a jug, it becomes jug-shaped and it is not the same water any more. An hour ago they never dreamed of having names, and now they are arguing about them...

She wanted more time. The habits of a billion years don't yield entirely to a mouthful of bread, and she could see that a crazy life form like humanity should not be allowed to exist. Yes, indeed. Certainly. Of course.

But she wanted more time.

They should be studied. Yes, studied.

-Excerpts from Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time, my favourite book in the series.

Quite tough to reconcile my feelings with regards to this new posting. Of course it's cool and all, what with getting to drive a freaking tank, albeit one sans turret, having a hugeass bridge atop of it instead, and I guess it can be personally challenging in many ways. A really rare opportunity as well; there're only the 6 of us there, and we're only the second batch of people who're being trained to operate and maintain these relatively new machines, so...wow. BUT. And here's the but.

I can't help but feel cheated, cheated of the opportunity to command and lead men of my own, which is what SCS and STW@ETI had been building us up towards. I enjoy G&T (grouping and tasking), something I realized from my stint as store IC and planning as well, as I discovered during Beaver Quest that last day. I enjoy coming up with a plan and seeing it being executed, while keeping alert during the process, wary of any potential cockups. I enjoyed the varied life at ETI, learning many things, very diverse, and I had been looking forward to the second demolition live firing as well. I liked working with my section at these new and interesting things, and would have liked to stay there for awhile longer. And yet now my future; or at least my immediate future, for the next one and a half years or so, and the years after that, when I'll report for my ICT (re-service) has been laid before me, and it doesn't look horribly appealing at all. Months spent learning to drive the tank (which isn't bad) and learning to maintain and clean it (urgh) as well as studying lots of technical specifications and such and doing everything all over again. My primary motivation in SCS and ETI was to work upon personal improvement, to better improve my leadership and communication, and now I find myself deprived of a very large portion of it, which I find hugely demoralizing.

When I tell people I'm training to be a tank driver, they say it's pretty cool, and yeah, it is. What I can't convey is the loss I feel; the quiet pride I used to experience back then as store IC, locking up the stores after everyone else had gone up to their bunks, knowing that things were well and truly prepared, after having gotten the guys organized. I'm quite rueful of the fact that I never got to be CSM, PS or even SC during my stint at ETI, especially so now that I most likely won't get any further opportunities.

So, what is there to look towards now? Doing pullups and pushups before each meal,  3 times a day, 5 days a week, till my arms can't take it anymore and I'm almost hoisted up by my bunkmates? Running, made to run at a pace I simply can't handle, watching as the gulf between the rest and myself steadily and speedily opens as my legs steadily give out, all the while cursing whoever's leading in my head while hoping to simply collapse so everything will be over, and yet never reaching the point where doing so is even a remote possibility? Days spent clambering all over the tank, opening hatches, jumping it, mounting and dismounting, practicing overturning drills (which I don't mind, actually)? Marching in contingents no larger than 10, and more often than no in 3s and 4s, which is just so weird, and as we march, not knowing whether I should lead a song or not, wondering whether the rest would rather not hear my voice :P? Learning and immersing myself in things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to learn outside, and which are of course totally and completely irrelevant to what I want to do once I've served my time?

Lol

But seriously, what's done is done, and nothing can be done about it, that much is certain, so all I can do is try to make the best of it, see it as a different kind of challenge, one that tests my skills, to better operate under stressful conditions, while attaining mastery over my specialization. It's not what I'm aiming for, but it's what I'll have to make do with, and a little positive thinking can't hurt as well.

It's amazing how immersive Army life can be. Or actually not. We live the life 24 hours a day, 5 days a week, of course it'd occupy a large portion of our conscious thoughts. When any 2 guys meet, it becomes an inevitable talking point, all the experiences which can be exchanged, various things that both can mutually relate to, though you'd wonder, having experienced so much in camp, why in the world would we want to talk about it whilst out of camp as well!

Caught Batman with Amos at Northpoint on Friday. It was pretty darn awesome, and didn't end with the heroic sacrifice and hugeass explosion like I'd expected. Nolan did a great job tying up the loose ends, and managed to inject some sentimentality as well. Very impressed, and though the fight scenes were kinda pathetic, that itself bespoke a larger meaning. Everything was so freaking symbolic, my only complain is that there was perhaps too much exposition and a little draggyness, but the setup was well worth it.

And yesternight I dreamt of you. Strange, isn't it? After so long. So inordinately happy

I initially had alot to say about a speech delivered by the Guest of Honour at our Founder's Day ceremony. Very quotable and pretty thought provoking as well.


"Understand that the more intelligent, powerful and successful you are, the more vulnerable you are to the curse of certainty. The belief that words are validated by virtue of being uttered by you."


He bade us to think it possible that we may be mistaken, to tone down on that ineffable certainty present, but ended off on a playful note "You may be mistaken when you think you are mistaken". Other points were raised during his speech, about a theological shift towards a belief in logic and reason in recent times, away from religion as a mental framework by which an inordinately complex reality could be broken down and simplified,  contrasted with the futility or perhaps more accurately the inadequacy of logic; sometimes things simply occur outside of this framework, and sometimes you have competing logics, which then have to be resolved some way or another.

A powerful speech, very intellectually appealing, ironically so perhaps, as it was so appealing precisely because it was delivered with such authoritative certainty on the part of the speaker. A certainty and confidence that certainly wouldn't have been here had he stopped to wonder, uncertainly if we could follow his train of thought, if he was getting the idea across. He talked about the investor, so full of certainty that he didn't know what hit him till he had lost everything in the exchange, but I can't help but wonder whether it was the same certainty that enabled him to succeed so well, to get into the position by which he could commit such a grievous mistake.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that hindsight is 60/60. It's very good to denounce unshakable certainty and cite XYZ examples to illustrate one's point, but you can't just ignore the Us, Vs and Ws present which don't conform to your desired hypothesis and discard them (which is coincidentally enough something he mentioned about the nature of the Internet as well).

So of course, the ideal would be to temper certainty and confidence with caution as one goes about life.

I see my writing as largely schizophrenic. At times I like to slowly and deliberately lay down my thoughts, much like a child laying building a structure out of Lego, brick by boring brick (lol) and sometimes I simply like to fling them out, half-formed, incomprehensible; a baby throwing toys out of his/her pram.

Well anyways, had a rare nights-off after the end of basic term in ETI, following an exciting Beaver's Quest (more on that later!). Had our company cohesion, bowling at the Chevrons, after which I officially found out that I'll be leaving ETI@Nee Soon Camp to be posted as an AE I guess, using Leop@rd tanks. Which is pretty cool, I guess, but I'm a little leery of leaving ETI and all my new old friends behind, especially after finally settling in. I guess I'm quite a sentimental person, and it's the sentiment that things will never be the same that makes me emotional whenever the time comes for partings and leave-takings. I'm also worried as to whether I'll be able to perform as well over there, given the (much) smaller cohort, which makes things alot more competitive too! I've also gotten used to having people around who know the way I work, and are willing to cooperate to get the job done; which may not be the case over there. And the camp is freaking far from my house, which kinda sucks as well. I guess I'll miss doing stores too!

After being so forcibly ejected just when things were starting to feel comfortable, and when I'd just began to get a taste of G&T during Beaver's Quest and getting a hang of my job as store IC, I suppose I'll have to regard this new phase as a challenge to be overcome, to reestablish myself once again and show my worth, instead of bemoaning the Fates which guide me. I hope to be able to progress forwards, bearing my optimism, while retaining the many fond memories I've enjoyed in the past, and enjoy my time over there as well :)

This and this where I first read about it, are just lol.

I in particular couldn't stand the above image, rendered in excruciatingly high quality and resolution, and most of all the freaking look in their eyes which I can't even begin to describe.

Brief research on the 'net (hope nobody looks through my search history, cause "dinosaur penis" is not something that I want any of my family to see) reveals that it's uncertain whether dinosaurs even had such external sexual organs, as fleshy tissue isn't preserved in the fossil record. I also went to look up possibilities of external fertilization, a no go there thanks to the hard shell, so seems like the most likely bet is via a mutual meeting of cloaca for a few seconds. Fortunately any sentient species that comes along after us humans go extinct won't have to concern themselves with similar uncertainty over the reproduction of us humans, thanks to the large repositories of um...pornography present online.... So really, much ado about nothing? Or perhaps simply a piece of dino fanfiction.

We as a race are screwed, both metaphorically, and...ahem...literally.

Cracked Windows

Sometimes I think about things for hours on end, not knowing quite how to express it myself, and all of a sudden, it comes to me. So here it is, something that's been washing round my mind (what's left of it anyways) the past week in ETI.

I believe everyone has an inbuilt barometer, one that tells them when something is "screwed-up" and when it is not. Everyone knows it, and nobody wants to go through life doing things which they themselves perceive as screwed-up. And yet, evidently so many people do. Why? It's when external factors are introduced, things that cloud their judgement, over-ride the innate desire to do good. It's the mindset "everyone does it, so if I don't I'll lose out". It's because when the window is already cracked, when imperfections and flaws are present, that they decide, and rationalize, and decide that there's no point preserving something already messed up, so they might as well mess it up more for their own convenience. And I care. I think it's debasing, when we live our lives this way, when we could be and are so much more. And so, despite being the procrastinator that I am, I want to be the one who mends the window, and removes the obstacles preventing us from exercising our better judgement, providing something around which things can crystallize and begin to grow.

A little over-ambitious perhaps? And a short call earlier just illuminated me as to how myopic I can be, to miss out the cracks growing right under my nose. I still have to try, nonetheless.

A question, though: If people really do want to do good, will anything be able to prevent them from doing so? Is aiming to make it less tough for others to make a "right" decision really the right way to go about things?

To the former, I'd really rather not say. As to the latter, I believe that these types of things need to grow and develop incrementally. The first time is tough, the second time isn't easier, nor are the subsequent times, yet as you go along, a habit is developed, and soon it'll become second nature.

People can be influence by the most inconsequential of things. A teacher of mine (I don't even remember who anymore!) shared with a bunch of us about something he observed in some other country at a fast food outlet. Having consumed their meals, customers would neatly fold up their burger wrappers before clearing their trays at the bins. And ever since hearing that, that's exactly what I've been doing. Fold the wrapper into halves, quarters then eighths before clearing my tray; clearing up after myself. A small thing, true, but something that matters to me :)

Do I make sense? :P

Things move, even if you don't touch them. While it's nice to believe in determination, that the actions one performs/commits/whatever determine one's destiny (for lack of a better word), it's always important to remember that we do not act in isolation. At the same time as we are acting to change our  destiny's, others are acting to affect change to their destiny's. Paths converge, diverge, and we move on, not everyone get's their way, and sometimes it's better not to stop and pose the question: "what did I do wrong?" - which is so, so, so bloody tempting, as it encourages and fosters the belief that things are within control - but rather to accept it calmly, take it in stride and move on. Things can rarely be so simply dissected for examination, contributing factors laid bare to be seen, everything's entangled, in a mess;
even if you don't move, a million other things do, and inevitably tug on the strings entwined around you.

And now, to sleep. A new day when I awake (not technically speaking), the world deconstructed and reconstructed once more, a whole new world, machinery churning in the background as I rest, and we shall see.

Holding Together

The sweet taste of freedom is something I managed to savor deeply this weekend. I miss the days when I had the time to stand around with friends, not quite sure what to do, standing in the middle of the pathway, standing in the rain, under the shelter of a tree, as we tried to hash out a course of action, inevitably going off-topic before once again meandering our way back on course. The time to take the long route, a stroll through the heart of the city, chatting, whining and in essence being completely random. The time to sit and watch a couple of "performers" in the spotlight at the Gardens, waiting for them to do something, which they never did. The freedom to not have a plan, activities slotted neatly back-to-back, and an unrelenting encik/PS/CSM breathing down our necks to enforce timings and ever ready to knock us down for being too sloppy. The freedom, in fact, to see adveture in the most miniscule yet crazy little things; clambering onto and bypassing a corrugated metal sheet blocking my path and climbing over the low fence at the longkang, creeping across the ledge to bypass yet another sheet; all in order to leave my estate to get to the basketball court across the road with my cousins, and later, moving to look for another court (that one was already occupied) only to discover that the hoops had broken off, and then playing 2 v 2 ultimate frisbee instead. A sweet nectar that I plan to enjoy fully once I ORD.

Staring at the city lights, at people going about the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it struck me how removed from it all we NSmen are. Once we set foot in camp, we assume our second identities, ones which we've conditioned to willingly accept the rigors, regimentation et al of in camp training, and as we go through the week, one event follows another, in rapid succession, no time to think about other things; best not to think about other things. It's scary how easy it is to lose sight of yourself; who you are, what you're doing, the things you stand for; what you're aiming for in life. It's as if we're safely ensconced in a bubble, removed from the flow of everyday life; and I'd hate to think what kind of lost soul would be released when the bubble pops 17 months down the road. I'd cry out for someone to save me, but really, who's up to the task?

Self-help then, is the way to go, and I hope my endeavor to earn a shiny pointy piece of metal serves to focus myself as well.

A single day, my weekend cleaved in half by 1x Weekend guard duty, but a day pretty fruitfully spent methinks. I managed to catchup with an old friend (and catch The Amazing Spiderman as well) morning to mid-afternoon, give my boots a pretty decent shine for Monday's parade and dump more than enough books into my new Kindle Touch to last me through the week.

I've probably got alot to think about, what with things developing as fast as they are, but perhaps the best thing now is to simply keep my head down and focus on one thing at a time, to take them as they come and finish them off with aplomb.

That's all I have time for, unfortunately, so till next week~

Each day it seems like I lose a little bit of myself, and gain something different in return. A multitude of changes, stacking up imperceptibly, but definitively. Am I who I was a week ago? A month ago? And is that for better or for worse? I'll never know.

"You'll never know" - hauntingly memorable last words.

The past week passed in deep slumber for me, nothing quite registering, events skipping across the waters of my consciousness. It's not that I distanced myself from them, or wasn't involved, or that I found them boring, but that I simply found myself strangely out of it, a little bereft of the motivation and "on-ness" I'd tapped on in SCS. I think I'm still in the process of adjusting; I don't hate ETI, but really miss the bunk environment I enjoyed with the guys in Bravo.

Amidst all this I count my blessings; that I've got the guys who came over with me, and who unquestioningly and unhesitatingly offer me their assistance and support, especially since I'm the store IC for my platoon (stores are the bread and butter of engineers, in case you were wondering) and still not-100%-clear as to which stores go where. Managing a whole platoon of guys who are somewhat reluctant to burn their admin time to do stores can be intimidating, and I could sense them getting quite impatient while I needed to clarify some things with the sergeants. The reassurance that I could count on them no matter what (of course without taking advantage of them) was a much appreciated source of strength for me, and allowed me to be strong myself, despite constantly being the last man up at the end of each session, having to account for everything, tying up the various loose ends and returning the store keys. And sometimes it simply feels good to sit down for meals with the same few familiar faces, be it engaging in the same old banter and mutual whining or consuming our food in silence. Old company enjoyed in a new one.

I think it's good to have friends who both need you and whom you need. Perhaps not the most eloquent way to phrase it, but what the heck. They give you strength with their presence and simultaneously you become strong to give them strength as well.

In a week thoroughly drowned, dampened, battered under, murdered and quenched by a couple of tests and a series of horribly dry and dreary lectures, the demolition live firing was certainly a high point. We'd had to prepare the stores the night before, and reveille at 3.30 to set off as my detail was the ammo party and had to load up to the ammo tonner to collect the demolitions materials from the ammo dump. Groggy were we, dozing off at practically every opportunity, heads lolling around, exaggerated by the weight of our helmets, till it was time to perform our duties. Well let's skip straight to the live-firing, shall we? I'd initially been pretty tense about having to handle the explosives, especially after learning about their destructive power; and having thoroughly mugged the various safety radii and other specs, but it turned out to be nothing much after all. A block 3 charge is just this light brown plastic block, just 0.5kg, which looks pretty nondescript. We just stuck in the det cord and that was it. The rod of PE was even funnier; softer than playdough, and pretty fun to mould and "play" around with, save being able to feel the crystals of explosive in its texture. Wrap it around the det cord and we were done. I was lucky enough to be the firer, so I got to prepare the I-chain, prime the charge, and set off the ignitor on command, shouting "IGNITED" and counting off while running for my life, pushed along by Staff Alfred as we ran uphill to the coverpoint. And I continued counting..and counting...and counting...fifty thousand...sixty thousand...seventy thousand...upon which the charges detonated, one bay after the other. I thought the matador was a big deal, that the M203 was pretty cool, but they're nothing compared to the blast effect of actual explosives lol. Even under cover, the blast effect can be felt rippling through the air, and it actually felt more intense back at the training shed, further from the firing point; shaking the whiteboard there. It's verrrryy shiok.

Well, I think there should be a meaningful conclusion to this post but nothing really comes to mind, so I'll just leave it as such. Awesome Germany vs Greece match I caught awhile ago, albeit wholly one-sided.

Just kill me now.

Argh, a well-documented depression known as the "post SCS depression" has afflicted much of us engineer-commanders-to-be in the ETI. Regimentation on the level of BMT, while understandable on a logical level, will take some adjusting too, especially after being spoiled by the degree of freedom we'd been given during our foundation term. Activities were very packed, had ALOT to do over the first 3 days of the course, and we're still at week 0, 13 more weeks to go. I really don't know. Sometimes I feel things are very screwed up, want to scream out loud, and whine incessantly to someone, but I really can't allow myself to do so. I think some of the others are feeling it worse than me, and while we do find some solace in commiseration, there's kind of an obligation to put a positive spin on things, attempt to be optimistic, try to offer some support :S Can't really tell it to my family as well, don't want to make them worry when they have other more pressing concerns, and it's not a feeling that I can articulate well too; things haven't really been that bad, so I don't want to sound like a whiner haha.

The feeling was most acute late last night, as I sat in front of my laptop, tired, staring at the slides to be tested on, slides which they hadn't gone through, and were well..not that well done up to say the least, trying to absorb the list of facts being spammed, safety distances, etc that were plain memory work, and being unable to retain anything in my brain. Felt even worse than mugging for the As..at least then, things made sense.

Some positives though, but I shan't elaborate on them since I'm not done with my mugging yet. Cheerios.

Expect post frequency to decrease dramatically (but who reads this anyway, eh? :P) due to lack of time and energy, and also because we no longer have laptops/internet access in the awesome ETI, as LEARNet hasn't been rolled out to us yet, a little ironic how much the loss is felt, especially since so many of us were hammering LEARNet for it's uselessness in BMT and SCS. And besides, I think I've been drained of the ability to make semi-insightful posts, so it's no great loss there!

Freestyle with my new waterfall. Bleh don't have much style to speak off, and smoothness is pretty horrible as well...haha oh well

Things will never be the same

Didn't know that it would hit me so hard; a physical manifestation, a gnawing at my heart. Hugging the guys who'd gotten posted to infantry and when they had left, feeling the emptiness of the bunk, bedsheets, pillowcases, blankets removed, all personal artefacts packed up into hulking fieldpacks, ginormous duffels. An indescribable sense of loss. Strange how strong those ties built up over 8 weeks of near constant companionship had become, talking cock, singing song, sleeping, eating together, going outfield, doing pt and other random shit together, spending a whole lot more time with them than I have with my family. Or perhaps I'd come to identify too strongly with the feeling of being in a section, and gradually growing to identify myself as such, such that the breaking up of the section as we each received our own postings was immensely heartbreaking. I'll miss you guys, we spent 24 hours for at least 5 days a week together over the course of 8 weeks, almost a thousand in total, and they were pretty enjoyable ones at that, no matter how much we'd complain or comment about his behaviour or other stuff like that. I teared up, even needing Ying Hui to come over to comfort me :/

Well I'm over that, and alot of them are joining me over at the ETI, so things aren't too bad, and we've gotta move forwards, anyway, right? Just hope I don't end up on bomb disposal or CMRE haha

Somehow I always find myself holding the short end of the stick in that predator-prey dynamic. If I absolutely must be the prey, why doesn't that extend to the other aspects of life as well; in more positive ways? :S

Farewell Bravo~

Last post from this particular laptop as a member of Bravo Coy. I'm nursing a particularly bad bout of running nose so I'll keep this short. The 8 weeks passed really fast, without much time to comprehend what has happened over this period of time. I've managed to do more than in Bronco I think, mostly over the last couple of weeks, where I've been the LSC and LPS. I've made more than a few new friends; possibly closer to them than my BMTC section, and we've had some pretty interesting experiences together. I've come to accept the more unsavory aspects of human nature, mostly selfishness and unwillingness to help out, and I've been guilty of that as well, though I do try to contribute, above and beyond my minimal obligations. I've also discovered the more unpleasant side of my personality; a tendency to get testy with my responses when caught in a bad moment; or at the limits of my tolerance. I've found that I can tahan alot of things though, and that is pretty encouraging. I've learned that the best way to lead and influence (for me at least) is by example, by leading the way, doing it myself first. Morale highground, you know ;) and yet I've also realized that one can't do everything alone, and if you persist in doing so, you only make yourself bitter, angry and frustrated. Best is to encourage and foster participation, while getting yourself involved as well; although coorperation may be grudgingly given, you still get things done, and build up some cohesiveness too. Respect other's opinions, for they may be correct, and you'll earn their respect for doing so as well.

In all, I guess I learnt that I'm not as utterly hopeless as I'd initially thought, yet it's something that I have to put alot more work into, to build up my confidence and awareness in so many ways, and I'm really quite fortunate that I have so many people around me that I can look to for both positive and negative examples hahaha.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a good posting!

-SCT CHRISTOPHER TEOW KANG JUN 2113 BRAVO COY

Bravo's been awesome, more than I could have possibly hoped for :)

Carpe Diem

For what does time slither by, so insidiously, to no avail? For whom does it do so?

The birth and death of the Sun means nothing, to those who look upon the world through deadfish eyes. Stagnant they are, to them, nothing moves, the seasons mere annoyances to contend with, calendars but desktop paperweights to chalk and murder the passage of time.

The rebirth of the sun, the rise of the full moon, is for those with wonder in their eyes and see opportunity in the turn of the day. They have a goal, and each day passes with bated breathe, controlled excitement; as the attainment of it draws closer.

This wasn't intended to be an optimistic post, though. Was merely reflecting on how things sometimes seem so meaningless, and wondering, how I could get myself out of this rut, to put some life into my eyes, passion into my step and imbue my actions with purpose and meaning. Sometimes I think we're too jaded; made to grow up too fast that all semblance of youthful vigour has been stripped away.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

It doesn't.

Being serious about something. Perhaps being mature and serious about it means not doing it the way you would do it; or maybe not being so lax that you do it any which way, with the excuse that that's simply the way you are, and rather doing it in the way that will allow you to accomplish it successfully. It's very easy to go around condemning people for not being true to themselves, while perhaps they should be commended for wanting it so much, being so serious about it that they're willing to put that extra effort into being something that they're not, just so that they can get it. Eh?

Not quite my style, but perhaps I should steer away from my undeniably stupid policy of almost-full disclosure and try to incorporate just a little guile and finesse into my future endeavors. They don't want to see the mental conflict and anguish resolved over the course of one page of words, what they want to see is simply what is so appealing about you. KISS

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.

-Galway Kinnell

So, I decided to give it a try, since it literally landed in my lap yesterday. Leading by example is really damn tiring haha, haven't had much time to think about other things, so it's been consigned to the back of my mind.

Can we be friends?

I've lost myself somewhere along the way. It's not that I hadn't thought things through, but now with things the way they are, I'm being forced to reconsider, and oddly enough, I find it very disconcerting. Can't help my feel that I'm very half-assed in the things that I do; sorely lacking in passion and determination, and that possibly because I'm relatively open-minded about things, and have a pretty laid-back attitude towards the things I do, which I'm starting to find very detestable. It's not something anyone else can help with, no matter how much I want someone to confide in.

KYan: Guess what? I got 11th in my class!!
Me (a little asshole I guess): Out of?
KYan: 40! I got top for Chinese
Me (genuinely impressed): Congrats!
KYan: Guess my L1R5?
*random guesses, and she bobs her head ever upwards, till I guess 18*
KYan: You were looking at my head right! It's 11! (Troll much -.-) Guess my Poly L1R5?
*shows 3 fingers*
Me: 3?
KYan: 8 la
Me: Do you want to go poly?
KYan: Yeah
Me: Why?
KYan: Because if I fail JC I'll go poly anyway!
....
*takes the iPad from me and goes off*

Field Camp the II

Fieldcamp this week was rather more memorable than the one we had during BMT, which can probably be attributed to the 'favourable' climate this time round. I'll never forget the hours spent - on two consecutive nights, no less! - late in the night and in the wee hours of the morning, hours spent staring morosely into space as rivulets of water found their way through our seemingly non-existent groundsheet (the waterproof lining was compromised, you see) and soaked me to the core. The frantic scramble to set up shelter in the dark proved to be an exercise in futility. Merciless skies unleashed their fury on us throughout the night, and on the second night, sheet lightning flashed through the sky, followed shortly by resounding roars of thunder, from all around us. We were in the middle of the storm, and atop a hill, furthermore, and were seriously praying and fervently hoping that we wouldn't be the catalyst for yet another safety timeout, yet another condemnation to safety in the SAF.

-TBC First Parade beckons

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I realize what I want isn't for you to like me, or anything like that, but rather to hear from you, for all the good that'll do. Grevious foolishness on my part, that.

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Slipping, sliding, scrambling up the treacherous slopes, yet another downside to hilltop life; panting uncontrollably while making my way up with the fieldpack to setup camp; hoisting the MATADOR across my shoulders, and the occasional trip up after returning from the training shed below, heaving a jerry can - nearly 20kg - along for the journey. Even with rotation it was still freaking tiring. And of course the trips up and down made in the dark, simply hoping not to fall, or that if I fell, that I wouldn't land wrongly and OOC from it.

Hours spent sitting in the mud, trying to make myself comfortable, all kinds of positions; iLBV on, iLBV off, sitting on my rifle, leaning against my fieldpack, lying on my fieldpack, sitting crosslegged, rifle across my knees, so on and so forth, doing absolutely nothing, nothing and waiting, random musings passing through my head, the future, first and foremost, but that for later.

The second night, huddling together under the groundsheet, legs curled into fetal position, donning my Goretex, a source of much comfort, a ward against the shivering. Curled up alongside Yan Seng and Theodore, not saying a word to each other, commiserating in the shared situation.

Section Battle Course, much toned down than previous years, yet messed up nonetheless, conducting Fire Movement up the hill; literally 'chiong sua', hilarious when I was the IC yet unable to climb up as it was too muddy at my location and requiring Janus to clamber up first to offer me a hand, when I was taking too long and the rest were several bounds ahead already. I wasn't the only one who had that problem haha.

And of course the simple act of proning on alert, uncomfortable with the magazines pressing against my abdomen, aggravating already present abrasions. Yet you realize there's a certain trick to it; you fidget a little, try to find the most comfortable position, and simply do-not-move. Rest your helmet against the scope, or your chin against the cheek rest, or various other "styles", and settle in.

And of course, the heat rash, a still-present reminder of the days that passed, prickling me into immobility, forcing a slight tightening of the back, and testing my resolution to keep my hands at bay, to not descent into a fit of frenzied, uncontrollable scratching at an itch which simply refuses to leave me alone. Practically the whole company was afflicted..guess that's what happens when you can't bathe for a few days, and changing into fresh clothes is rendered ineffective due to the constant rain and ever-present moisture.

Abrupt end. Pizza in the bunk is simply heavenly.

NE more of this and I'm gonna explode

Is it ever acceptable to be a "Good Trier" without ever having the results to speak for your efforts? It's really a question of whether it's the process or the results that matter. Not too sure where I stand on that. Of course I'd like to be able to obtain both; impossibility of "obtaining" a process aside, and of course the process is important, but it sucks to not have an external validation of sorts.

And someone told me that he respected me today /excites hahaha how often does one hear that to the face XD

Well anyway, had a horrific 5-10 mins today, but other than that, I'll be fine. Managed to set a PB for the SOC today morning, and that despite having taken the IPPT the day before. Kinda makes me feel proud for not having taken the easy way out and excused myself (as the IPPT-takers were given the option to do) and instead making myself do it.

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Sometimes events that befall me are so ridiculous that I can't help laughing, despite suffering as a result of aforesaid events occurring. I feel like elaborating on the camera chase that played out over the past few days, so that's what I shall do:

I somehow found myself in charge of presenting a board game my platoon adapted (or rather ripped off) from an extant board game for an NE presentation. It's a really really really (I can't quite summon the relevant superlatives, so cut me some slack here) complex game which isn't quite suitable to be presented to large groups. So I found myself with a dilemma. Cause you see, encik had requested/demanded/ordered that we do up a game of some kind - influenced no doubt by the presentation of Charlie which had wrested the trophy from us the previous bactch - and to present it in a captivating manner, and moreover to complete it on a tight deadline. I realize I need to correct myself. I wasn't a dilemma I found myself with, but rather a steaming fresh pile of shit that had somehow landed itself squarely in my hands. Being who I am, I wasn't inclined to engage in shit-slinging and ended up trying to mold the shit into something comprehensible. This "plan" I had in mind involved taking pictures of various set-ups of cards and board for use in a mini-skit of sorts; not the most original of ideas, I'll readily admit.

Anyways, as I alluded to earlier, obtaining that camera was a bloody pain in the ass. (painful imagery, that) Seems like the whole of Bravo is armed with but a single camera, which happened to be drawn out by Platoon 3 just when I needed it. No problem, how long could they take, right?

Wrong. They held onto it for a day and a half before finally returning it to the company office. But. (There's always a but) But they removed the memory card; took it out of camp, in fact, to work upon their video during Wednesday's nights off. And that after repeated attempts to hurry them up. Bandied around the idea of passing the cards and boards to Ying Hui who was going home for him to take the required photographs but it was a no go, apparently cause my partners hadn't finished drawing some things. No matter, can always use the camera when I get back, right?

Wrong. Turns out the WO in charge of the camera took it with him/locked it up (I don't really know which) when he booked out at 5+, and they couldn't sign in the memory card without him being in camp, so on to Thursday, with the IC's promise that he'd return it ASAP. Okay, still one more day till Friday, a little squeezed for time, but still doable, right?

Wrong. They only managed to return the memory card after an arms drill which stretched till 10+, after which I went to the Coy office to look for the WO to borrow the camera. No such luck, he wasn't in. Went to check the store (he's in charge of it) and he wasn't there either. Spied a familiar form at the smoking corner so there I went, taking a deep breath before sallying forth. Mission accomplished (finally) right?

Wrong. Turns out I was one step too late; some of the commanders/higher-ups had taken the camera for a recce of our field camp site, they'd be back after lunch. So up to my bunk I went, fretting over the script which I wasn't sure how to resolve, not to mention the recruitment of my "actors". Down for lunch and back again, first thing I did was to go to the Coy office to borrow the camera. Asked 2IC; YES IT'S THERE, HALLELUJAH. Signed it out after the relevant paperwork and left after entrusting it to some of our OOC personnel to take the required pictures; we hadn't completed the day's activities, you see. Gao Ding! Right?

Wrong. The pictures weren't good enough, as I realized upon first glance, so I did it myself later on. FINALLY. But nope. SAF has a security policy, you see, we aren't allowed to insert/connect storage mediums to our SAF-issued laptops, so any data transfer from the camera to the computer had to be done using the 2ICs terminal. And yet by the time I realized that the pictures taken were inadequate and did the required retakes, 2IC had booked out for the day. Cursing the lack of initiative of the OOC personnel who'd spent practically the whole day in the Coy office with the 2IC, there was really nothing I could do Thursday night except fret endlessly over the whole episode, and ranting sporadically to the more sympathetic of my bunkmates, while sharing endless bouts of laughs at how bloody ridiculous the whole thing had become.

And by the time the photos were finally transferred over to the internal system, there was undoubtedly insufficient time to do up a passable presentation, as I had been planning to use the slides as a visual aid for the presentation. And thus, an onstage crucifixion  (not spelt crucification, my bad).

On the whole, events weren't totally within my control (a gross understatement methinks) but I could probably have done alot more towards remedying the situation had I the foresight and been more assertive as a leader. Hope the negative ramifications aren't too much for me to handle.

Cause you're here to swim along with me

It's been a week of much irritation for me; despite the relative lehpak-ness due to that safety timeout. Where I had mentally prepared myself for fieldcamp at Tekong, I now found myself spending much of the time at the coy line/in bunk. And yet I've found some joy in all this, in the realization that I've been blessed with some pretty special bunkmates. One who reduced me to tears (from choked back laughter) over the course of a presentation; in front of the OC and half the company no less, and others who've willingly descended into this cesspool of shit I've found myself stranded in to offer a helping hand.

Something I've found to be an extreme pain in the ass though, is the whole bunch of procedural nonsense which has effectively left me with my hands tied in my attempt to see a certain project through to completion. I've mastered the bitter laugh over the course of the week, as I realized how ridiculous the situation in which I am mired in is; a situation which has only escalated, as more and more stupid little things get in my way, the epitome of course being my "quest" to lay hands on the company camera; the Holy Grail for my endeavours, within this restricted area. Typically, once I managed to get it, after a couple of episodes too ridiculous to be worth mentioning, and having captured the required pictures, I'm now unable to make use of them, due to that little technicality regarding the insertion of storage devices into our NS laptops. Go figure :S Presentation on the morrow, and I can't do anything at all ><

Helplessness and stress certainly don't go well together, but it's helped alot to have people to b!tch to about it, and who are willing to help despite how dubious and shaky the whole endeavour sounds. Thanks :)

Sometimes I feel damn bloody lonely. Can anyone really understand? Do I even understand?

Tradition

In SCS:        Lights out: 2230
                    Reveille: 0500

At home:     Lights out: 0530
                    Reveille: ????

And now that my weekly ritual's almost complete, I can go to bed

So I got rejected

Mr Ngan: Hi Christopher. How's med applicn?
Me: I was offered my second choice, Science.
Mr Ngan: Haiz. Students like u, christopher, r the ones who should be doctor. One of ur tutors said students like u r the ones we wouldnt mind teaching for 10 years. I nodded in agreement. Tcare.
Me: Thanks alot, really! Don't worry about me..I've decided to pursue an interesting education wherever it may take me..may need your help next year as well, hope you don't forget me! Hope I'm able to go down sometime to thank you properly.
Mr Ngan: Gd ure taking it well. Proves us right.

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Cause my army phone really doesn't have much sms storage space.

What are words, eh? Nothing but vehicles for thought, carriers of concern, empty if there's nothing else behind them. Maybe I tend to read too much into things, but I was touched, though it's such a simple gesture. I'd gotten over it already, but appreciated it nonetheless.

It seems like people are making plans for me, considering things, and idk whether I really want to go along with them. Good thing I still have a couple of months left before I really have to make a decision. Why is it that I can be so certain in camp yet come back to be subject to such external influences and pressures, and find myself being swayed to some extent?

Well anyway, I believe in a greater plan, beyond that of my/your/our comprehension. The plan isn't infallible (cause nothing ever is) but the groundwork has been laid. Nothing is certain, of course, since you can plan everything out nicely, such as we did on our NDS/Navigation Data Sheets (Oh I love the NS acronyms) but if the people on the ground don't do their part, or unforeseen obstacles pop up in the way, the plan may just go awry. No choice, detour and get back to navigating. And now it feels like I've de-talced the map limiting me to my AO and I'm seeing everything for the first time. Daunting, yet ultimately inspiring. FOCUS!

So, navigation, simply put, learning how to use the mighty prismatic compass, and an exercise which involved climbing up and down a hill somewhere in the area (codename can't be revealed) looking for checkpoints; without many defined paths, traipsing our way through the deadfalls, vegetation and drops while attempting to maintain the correct azimuth. And at night, stumbling, up and down the hill, trying not to lose my footing for fear of becoming OOC (a noun, a verb, an exclamation and so much more) and joining the pikachu platoon to eventually become a private. Dreadful waste, that. It was quite fun, in truth, especially when I imagined myself having a bird's eye view of the whole affair; cadets crawling over the hill like ants, albeit horribly pixelated, each squinting through the prism, each traveling at slightly different angles to each other, crossing paths to curse about the exercise or ask for tips about the next CP before proceeding once more. I found the section level one a little pressurizing, especially when taking point. It's lonely in front, and when you're in the middle of the forest, hill sloping up to one side, trees all around, it's quiet and you don't really know which way to go, and can't ask for help from the back, like seriously "Hey guys, I think we're lost! Any ideas?" and can only pick a direction, keep on heading uphill, and pray (I use the word loosely) for the best. Thankfully I managed to guide us to our objective, sparing me the eternal scorn of the section.

I'm determined to do well in SCS, not to wayang, nor because I harbour hopes of crossing over (the stories are terrifying..) but as a personal challenge to myself. To become more fit, and to push myself, as I did during the morning's 5km run, which I found quite okay, actually, and to make the most of the time I have there, now that I have a pretty fair idea of how I'll be spending the next year or so. I don't hate NS, and I'm pretty happy to be where I am now, in a relatively conducive environment, so we'll see how things turn out.

Get over it

I seem to run through the five stages of grief pretty quickly, though perhaps I may simply be arrested at Stage 1, only time will tell. But for now, I'm pretty fine.

Dare to dream, and have the resolve to follow through on it. That's what I shall spend the next year doing, to fulfill it with confidence, not step in with naivete. A friend told me once that to become imba you simply have to follow your interests and allow yourself to become immersed in it, without allowing laziness to overtake you. It may be a pretty hefty detour, but I hope to make it worth the effort. Much discussion awaits over the weekend, and I know I'll have to deal with betrayed expectations, but I think I'll be able to get through it.

It's been a pretty interesting week at SCS, shall write more about it later, since I have some SDL and quizzes to be done with xP Let's just say I feel more motivated to perform in here now (not that I wasn't already before!) and to maximize all that I can get out of the experience to develop my assertiveness, confidence in presenting myself and leadership as well. Hehx, all three sound pretty similar now that I think about it, but oh well.

Dota 2 (Y)

My hair just got raped by my mum. I guess I shall have to say that I got assaulted by an errant barber on my way to camp =.='"

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Write for me, so that I can understand, write to me, so you know I do too.

But what are words, eh?

I don't think I make much sense these days; it's much like plucking fragments of thought and dumping them here. Without the contextual knowledge, an overall blueprint, it's pretty much impossible to piece them together in any meaningful way.

A fistful of sand

It's over.

Paths diverge, some branches get cut off. Such is the way of life. No use railing at it, for that's the way things are. It's already happened; I realized myself awhile back, and did nothing to arrest the progression. For that's what I'm trying to see it as, a natural progression, a given, that nothing I do will prevent. Something that is neither undesirable nor desirable but simply is. So why should I try now? Maybe we cup sand between our palms, not out of any particular wish to retain it but rather to enjoy the sensation of it flowing out of them, through the smallest gaps and cracks. Later, we repeat the process, with some grains kept, new grains introduced, and others irrevocably lost to the winds.

For me, all I can do is look towards next week as a turning point. Or perhaps not a turning point, as all the work's been done leading up to it already, but rather an unveiling of the future. My future. It's been at the back of my mind, bothering me, really. Can't get into things fully with this expectant air about things, as I await the unfurling of a map, the unrolling of a tapestry.

Ah and yes, I think I am very much fked up.

Aside, the KFC Double Down is smth that looks sinful but is ultimately not worth it!

And I'd probably be a depressed drunk :/

Spent late morning at Safra Yishun helping out at the shooting range; at a kid's birthday party. Not much else to say haha..

I try to keep buried the part of me which succumbs to anger and despair, after peppering it with volleys of optimism and positive rationalization. And these arrows fly fast and true. And yet it sometimes refuses to die, or rises from the grave to once more rear its ugly head. At these times I have learnt to stay quiet, to not let a word spoken in a moment of anger (and my head is practically brimming with these once I get on a roll) slip through my lips, to not inflict my despair upon someone else.

Words. Paltry yet powerful, if one would only pause to let them sink in.

My aim - one of them at least - is to be someone you'd never regret trusting and/or confiding in. Have to be alot more conscious of myself and the manner in which I do things in order to work towards this and accord people the proper respect. I've come to realize that people interact on a couple of levels; some more superficial and ranging to a deeper one. The former is more or less a prerequisite for the latter and one can't hope for too much of the latter as well, if not the relationship becomes very "heavy", which isn't too good as well. As it is in all things, balance is key XD

And sometimes, words aren't enough; will never be.

Mission accomplished, yesterday, though I sure did take my time :X Things started off well at first, I woke up at 5.45; not intentionally, of course, merely the result of having an early night and NS conditioning, but immediately went back to bed again, partially dressed for a morning jog =.= well I finally managed to get out of the house at 12, initially simply to go down to the library at Nex, and get some stuff for in-camp use as well, but after awhile I just decided I'd stay out a little longer, and after discovering that the journey really wasn't as long as I had thought, set off for BTNR. Couldn't not live up to hopes afterall haha.

It felt good to get out of the house, and just walk around the place, though I didn't see much wildlife except for spiders and monkeys (no spidermonkeys unfortunately haha). Was quite cool to watch a spider spin its web though; it had the main framework up already, and was basically hopping from strand to strand in a circular manner, laying the strands of silk. It was much faster than I expected! I shan't go into the cliche about finding it a peaceful getaway from life, but I think I made the correct decision in going down :) I actually went to the top this time, panting a little; short of breath thanks to the steep steps..which probably speaks volumes about my physical condition haha. Should probably have taken my time instead of rushing, but the light was running out so I decided to abandon my search for spiderwebs in favour of going up instead. There wasn't much to look at, tbh, but it seems like a good place for a picnic, advice by NParks to not bring food into the reserve notwithstanding. Maybe next time, when I'm not going down alone xP

Had some pretty stupid stuff happen to me yesterday, some of it of my own doing and others completely out of my control, like getting stealth bombed by a ninja bird such that I didn't even realize it till I turned and noticed some crap on my left shoulder. And before that, going to the wrong place at NEX was simply disastrous; stepped in wondering why it looked different, an open concept kind of thing to capitalize on space and functionality maybe? Only to look in horror when I opened the door and saw something which shouldn't have been there, or rather I shouldn't have been there. The gasp emitted when someone saw me was enough to make me apologize profusely and make a quick exit. The signage could really be alot more visible, though I have to admit I wasn't really paying attention.

Numb. Maybe it's time to give up on that hope in my heart and move on. Argh I think I've gotta get out of the house. Can't be spending the whole day cooped up in my room, with my thoughts for company, and allowing this screen in front of me to drain away my vitality. The internet offers little solace, or maybe I simply haven't found the right sites.

I keep waiting for a reply each and every day, in hope that with it, the path forwards will take shape, and I can stride forwards once more with renewed determination. A yes/no is all it'd take, really.

Freaking awesome. I don't even care about yesterday's disappointment right now. Now to crawl into bed and make the most out of the day :)

Pain is temporary; the rewards, while not eternal, are slightly less so. Look beyond the moment and fight with the end in mind.

Aching quite abit now, but that's probably the mindset I should take into tomorrow, it's served me well for the IPPT and SOC so far. I'll never be one of those uberfit guys who can seemingly run nonstop but I can do that much at least haha.

Though I find it more than a little hard to rationalize and marry the concept of knowing your body's limits and "listening to your heart" to fall out if you can't take it and the concept of pushing yourself via mental endurance, cause when I do, it really feels like I'm going to die, in that instant. Quite cool once I manage to break through though, a really liberating and empowering feeling.

Some things can't be understood, and that's perfectly fine. But other things merely obstinately defy understanding, which I find a little irritating tbh

We have a little LAN cafe going on, which is pretty freaking awesome. Kinda worried what it's doing for my fittness though.

I don't really believe in a single person forcing his own point of view upon others; while I know that it's necessary at times, that's not really my style of doing things. I'd rather incessantly badger them about it, and leave them alone if they refuse to come around, while sulking myself in a corner. Which is probably why I don't make a good leader hehx.

Time seems to be my panacea. Given enough time, all thoughts, worries and concerns seem to dissolve to nothing. Thankfully, time has been on my side, this weekend. Time for the most bothersome of thoughts to pass through my head, and fortunately, time enough for them to dissipate, resolved or otherwise dismissed.

Saturday was spent idling at home, and it seemed like today was going to go the same way as well! Luckily I managed to get myself out of the house to settle some stuff for today's bookin. One of them was to get a haircut to SCS standard, which is a little more lax than BMT; we actually get to keep some hair on top and only need to get the sides and back shaved...only haha. Halfway through my haircut, a mother brought her son who was around 6 I think in for a haircut as well. She was saying stuff like "Do you want to cut like the gorgor over there? Very short and neat!" to which the kid replied "No! I want to cut handsome!" repeatedly; which I found horribly amusing. Got my passport sized photos next at one of those over-priced photo booths before getting a card holder for my camp pass from Popular and a photocopy of my 11B at J8, all conveniently in close proximity to one another. Returned a couple of overdue books and borrowed some others before calling it a day and heading home.

I never got to finish Watt. Reading Samuel Beckett makes me feel almost masochistic; it's a slightly painful experience, especially with the tendency to go on and on, yet there's a certain quiet appeal to that writing style which makes you want to continue reading nonetheless. I wanted to at least read that one to completion yet always found my attention drawn away by less subtle things.. I did manage to appreciate though, the style (or at least my impression of it) of never directly addressing his point and instead incessantly weaving around and about it, in a very relentless and painstaking manner, and in doing so, outlining it in a way; much like that continuous line sketch drawing thing that Tian Yuan demonstrated once. Very subtle and clever, but only if one has the time and perseverance to slowly digest and ruminate over it.

And now, an abrupt end to this post, as I have a monumental task ahead of me: To polish my outfield boots till they're "as shiny as my Encik's head"; which is blindingly so. Why oh why does he have to be bald T.T 

Another random thought, conceived in you-don't-want-to-know-where as I watched something plop into the water:

What kind of shape should an object have to make the most minimal of splashes as it falls towards a liquid surface? A streamlined one would seem to suffice, but somehow I think it's the initial point of contact that makes the most difference. I'd go with a pointed stick dropped vertically, but weight distribution does present a problem.

It's probably been solved, but I really can't be bothered to search for the answer right now, so I'm leaving it as it is.

A couple of hours spent aimlessly wandering the Internet while seated in front of my laptop performs wonders as a shock back into civilian life. Though it does have the unfortunate side effect of ridding my mind of all coherent thought, so this will be pretty messy.

I think I'm really fortunate in that each time I bookout from camp, I have a very understanding and accommodating family to welcome me home. Perhaps too accommodating, but I'll leave that for later haha. It's one of the things you learn to treasure more in NS I guess. Despite the mess I left my room in when I left for SCS, things were relatively orderly when I came back, no thanks to myself. I found a new set of bedsheets on my bed, new charcoal pillows which apparently offer better support (I'll have to read the maintenance manual later..) and a new bolster as well. Though my siblings do sleep in my room when I'm in camp, I'm really touched by the thoughtfulness behind such things. Honestly, I think I may be too pampered when I'm home over the weekends, with little expected of me, which I guess may be some manifestation of the oldest child syndrome, which my uncle gleefully terms primogeniture; though I find myself doubting whether he's using the term correctly.

I found myself enjoying the past week in SCS. No doubt it was merely the first week, and things are definitely going to escalate from here onwards, but I'm reveling in this newfound freedom afforded to specialists' in training - ie SCTs - and appreciate the focus on learning and mastering the relevant knowledge and skills rather than the preoccupation with discipline and regimentation we had in BMT. On Friday alone, we learned how to strip, assemble, load, unload, and to perform the relevant IA Drills for the SAW (Section Automatic Weapon; it's bloody unwieldy), the GPMG (Some grenade launcher attachment to the SAR21; it's freaking heavy), the Matador (A disposable rocket laucher; feels even heavier, not to mention bulky) as well as their specifications, capabilities, safety concerns etc. Also learned how to operate the ACES, GPS, and radio headset; and all that before 6pm. Everything's really alot more efficient than it was in BMT, with all the procedures stripped down to the essentials, and much less waiting time between events.

The freedom is simply legendary. We finally have more than 2 hours of admin time each day, not to mention the knowledge to "jailbreak" our SAF-issued notebooks passed down from our seniors to avoid external surveillance. The most epic part is that there're actually games like CS, Pokemon, DoTA, etc available to play in camp. I see mass LAN sessions in the near future haha.

But I guess responsibility comes along with the freedom as well. I shall see more about it in the coming weeks, but basically when we're responsible for keeping ourselves on schedule, and responsible for maintaining our own standards, we have to do a good job if we don't want to be screwed sometime down the road. It should be good training as well :D

Not much else to add about SCS; maybe just that I'm honored to be a member of Bravo Coy, and really lucky to be in it with so many of my Bronco platoonmates who I can freely talk cock with; makes things alot more interesting (Y)

I guess I shall go to sleep soon, though I don't doubt that I'll find myself waking at some ungodly hour in the morning, so accustomed early morning reveille I am that I no longer need to bring an alarm clock into camp..

A weekend awaits, and so long as I'm able to look upon the world with fresh eyes, each waking day shall be a wonderful one ;)

Edit: The fact that we're gonna have to run 3km every morning next week onwards (we started yesterday) on top of PT before meals AKA Meal PT, and that on top of everyday training should show that we don't simply slack in SCS xP Managed to scrape silver for my IPPT this time around for my Cat test, so I'll aim to maintain and hopefully whittle down my 2.4 timing when the next one comes.

Short term goal: Cut away 1 min by the 5th week of SCS!

"Do whatever you want; so long as you don't get caught"
-The 8th Core Value

SCS has been pretty good so far; shall have more stuff to post over the weekend haha.

Bronco --> Bravo Coy (Y)

SCT CHRISTOPHER TEOW KANG JUN 2113 Signing off

Knowing is just the beginning

They say that knowing is half the battle won; and I used to think the same way as well. Yet I think that as I've "matured" (yeah, in "" cause it's never a given) I've come to realize that things are rarely so easy. At this point of life, I think I'm pretty familiar with my more serious failings, but correcting them are a completely different thing altogether.

On a related note, I've recently been clued on to how I've come to "inherit" some of my parents' let's say not-so-desirable traits. My dad's tendency to lapse into episodes of talking at people rather than to them, my mum's occasional bouts of moodiness due to a moment's insight into mistakes she's made, yet being too resigned to correct them, etc. It feels strange to dissect the failings of such key figures in my life, yet I've found myself doing exactly that on more than one occasion, and thinking to myself that I wouldn't be the same way when I "grew up". It was quite shocking, really, to suddenly see them manifest in myself as well. What to do? I realize that everyone has their own failings, but knowing that such things are present within myself, I can't be satisfied doing nothing about them. A more conscious effort of restraint on my part is all I can do, I guess. Another part of me wonders, though if maybe these failings simply constitute a part of my personality, and whether maybe I shouldn't be trying to rid myself of them afterall. I really don't know.

I honestly didn't plan for the above paragraph to end with that particular sentence, yet it did. So if I don't know, how am I to begin? X.x

I've decided to forgo the mandatory last game of DoTA for a post instead. So maybe I've got my priorities right, for once. I've pretty much been spending the day packing my stuff to go back to camp; admittedly at a very leisurely pace, but still something productive nonetheless. I've also finally gotten round to attempting to resolve the mess which is my room. What I haven't managed to do is decide what to do with all my old stuff. Past years' notes, random little knick knacks (such as the Titanic brochure ><), a whole assortment of stuff that a person inevitably picks up as he progresses through life. Some of them mean practically nothing to me, and those I've tossed already. But the rest are really headache-inducing. There're all those random pieces of paper I never got around to filing, disorganized as I am, which however seem too much of a waste to throw offhand; as I realized while flipping through them. Memories, and lots of value - not merely nostalgic - in them too. So what to do? My uncle (now my neighbour) confided in me once, of having to "close one eye, then close the other one" in deciding what to get rid of when shifting to his present house. He realized that humans actually need very few things to get by. That's something I agree with, to be honest, yet I can't help myself uselessly clinging onto these pieces of paper, out of some misplaced sentiment or I don't know what, knowing that I'll probably never touch them for the rest of my life. I'm currently storing them in my fortunately amply spacious cupboard, putting off the decision till later.

But now for more current matters. I'm feeling rather expectant about SCS. Don't get me wrong, the past week or so of block leave has been heavenly. Civilian life is awesome, and it's a reminder of what we sacrifice by serving NS. Got to meet up with friends, catch up, play, chill. The feeling of having the luxury of being able to sit around and do nothing, sweet, blessed nothing, extended stretches of nothing; if I wanted to, of course, is very liberating. I actually spent Friday and Saturday morning reading the papers, practically cover to cover, reveling in the fact that I had the time to do so, and also hungry for well..news haha. Basically, having the freedom to do what I wanted to do has been a very relaxing and enjoyable experience, and somehow, the past week seems to have lasted even longer than the last few weeks on Tekong, which is saying quite abit. However, I'm looking forward to what SCS has to offer in terms of fresh experiences, and I have to admit that the past week of freedom has left me feeling soft once more, so I probably need it as a wakeup call as well.

That's how I'll remember you,
Eyes intent on the screen, almost eerie blue glow cast upon your face.
That's how I'll remember you.

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I don't seem to feel much these days. The exuberance of POP could hardly last me through the day, not to mention the week. The prevailing emotions during my interviews early this week, besides the desire to prove myself, were ones of exasperation and irksomeness brought out by a certain line of questioning. And yet they weren't that intense as well, and faded soon after. Ditto for the disappointment of reality not meeting expectations, later on. I believe that somehow, that unofficial army ethos of "Suck Thumb" has pervaded my thinking, in a decidedly unhealthy manner. While it may be beneficial not to get too hung up over happenings, one cannot simply resign oneself to them, and even allow them to escalate and develop further. I can't/shouldn't have let myself think that there was no point arguing further, or that there was no point forcing the issue, that I should just let things be. I don't want to be such a dispassionate individual.

Just when I think I'm unbelievably cynical, something happens to make me realize how facepalmingly naive I can be at times. It's extraordinary, really haha. I really need to school myself more in the metagame of society.

Had quite abit of fun yesterday though (since I'm feeling pedantic about it) playing badminton with some of my sectionmates at CCK Sports Complex. I'm really not the sporty kind (no shit, Sherlock) but enjoy playing them; which is quite tragic I guess, but having fun is what matters, right? xP Had to run around ALOT to attempt to get to the shuttlecock for a return, and I'm still pretty much unable to return smashes, but it's very satisfying to win a point after a particularly hardfought rally; the fact that it didn't do much to mitigate the point difference notwithstanding. Well anyway, we checked our postings at the same time as well:

Your Posting Order is listed below:
1.	You are posted to	SCS & SWAS
2.	Your vocation is	INF LDR(TRAINEE)
3.	Your are to report to:	Pasir Laba Camp, Blk 276, #02-15
	Reporting Date/Time:	17/04/2012 at 0800 - 0830 hrs
	Person to report to:	Chief Clerk
	Contact Number:	64105597/5594/5533

Was kinda expecting the posting so I'm neither elated nor disappointed. BMTC has given me some pretty good learning experiences and some tough times as well, but as always, the veneer of memory smooths over those bumpy portions very effectively. I'm looking forward to learning new stuff there! And not having to be subjected to an effective 1 month confinement is pretty comforting as well!

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And lastly, I think I've adjusted pretty well to my new house. Horrendous amounts of boxes yet to be unpacked aside, I'm relatively comfortable here. For some reason unbeknownst to me, my other siblings simply love to flock to my room, whether it's because they desire to revel in the presence of your's truly (if only other people felt the same way xP) or just because they don't want to climb the extra flight of stairs, I'll never know. But it's led to the common and honestly ridiculous situation where I find myself having to settle on the parquet floor (which isn't too uncomfortable); either that or having to poke and shove to create a sufficiently large space in the tangle of bodies for myself to slip barge my way into. Travel to and from the MRT station is simple enough; a short bus ride away, and the bus stop isn't as far from my front gate as I'd originally imagined. The Yio Chu Kang/Ang Mo Kio area is much more central, which has made travel less onerous I'd say; something I appreciate following this week's outings.

My com's been bugging me to allow it to install some updates, so I shall end here for today.

I wonder if anyone's looked extensively into toilet bowl design and water dispensation. You know, a way to make sure ALL the shit is washed down with minimal water usage, without requiring multiple flushes.

>< why am I procrastinating so..

And it's over. 24km that seemed like it'd never end, each interval seeming much longer than Lt Kai Xun said it was, as left foot followed right foot, and right foot followed left foot, one in front of the other, legs extending, for minutes that stretched into hours. It wasn't so bad initially, while we were still relatively fresh.

And I say "relatively fresh" for two reasons, the first being that my sleep the previous night was disrupted on two separate occasions, firstly waking up to a trickle, something cold and wet on my left cheek, and instinctively reaching to feel it with my right hand, only to find that it had been layered with toothpaste. Getting up in a blur, and seeing some dark forms in our bunk, which resolved into the faces of one J L TAN and someone else after I had fumbled for and subsequently put on my specs. Grumpy and pissed; who wouldn't be, getting woken up in the middle of the night by such bullshit, and having felt decidedly unwell the day before too.., I got up, confronted him, and found myself smearing the remainder of the toothpaste on my hand over his face, before going to wash up and getting back into bed. Next, waking up again, to shouting in our bunk, and groggily feeling a burning sensation on my thighs. Toothpaste once more, this time by some Platoon 3 jokers who'd come up to cause havoc, messing up shoes, spamming powder. It was an uneasy night. The second being having to do area cleaning repeatedly, up to our PS' standards, while the rest of the platoons napped.

But as we marched on, it seemed to take forever to reach the next rest point, which seemed to require an inordinately large number of steps. As the night stretched on, it became a battle of wills against the Zzz monster; to not succumb whilst marching, and also while resting as well, as it'd be so much harder to resume marching if we were to fall asleep. There were stretches where I just kept mum, looked downwards at the boots of the guy in front of me with half-lidded eyes and walked; kept only on the brink of consciousness by Darren talking to Jonathan about his dating experiences at ECP and such stuff. I don't quite know what it was that kept me from falling out; fatigue had accumulated, and I'd been suffering from a cold as well, so not exactly at my optimum condition. Abrasions starting to appear despite the Leukoplast Kai Chin could spare me, and muscle ache as lactic acid built up faster than my legs could clear. So sleepy, bloody sleepy and tired that I just wanted to lie there and do nothing, hugging my rifle and leaning against my fieldpack. And yet each time Lt Kai Xun barked the command "Everything on!" that's precisely what I'd do. Not as fast as I could have been, perhaps, but I still did it. A matter of pride, perhaps, of wanting to complete the whole BMT package, and not having to suffer the embarrassment of telling my parents not to go down to the platform cause I fell out during the march. Or maybe I was inspired by everyone around me; encouraged by the fact that everyone was going through the same thing, yet were not about to fall out. John, who was unwell during the 8km segment yet downed some Panadol and resumed the march, and Zhan Xiong, who was on Attend B
yet came down of his own accord to join us during the Changi Coast Road segment.


The CBD, Singapore Flyer and MBS all contributed to an awesome skyline view, especially from the Garden by the Bay area. It all contributed to a visible lifting of spirits towards the end, where we had seemingly broken through the tiredness and lack of sleep and were looking forward to finally reaching our destination. It was damn irritating though, how the Flyer would seem so close, yet we'd turn away from it and march one big round, or how the Sheares Bridge seemed to be moving ever further away from us haha.

It was quite an ecstatic moment, as I flung my jockey camp into the air, though tempered by having to trace its trajectory through the air to catch it, put it on and resume senandiri position once more, to wait for my parents to pick me up. The reminder, I guess, that BMT is/was only the beginning of this SAF journey ><

A week of leave I have to myself though, a week as a civilian; though graced not only with all the freedom a civilian enjoys but also faced with the realities of outside life, having to prepare for my interview and admission test this week :/

Oh and about the tag in the pic, it's an inside joke xP

Wonder how many were put off by the word wall hahaha. I never expected I'd write so much during just 2 shifts of guard duty, to be honest. Thinking it through though, I realize how strongly I stick to the principle of thesis, followed by anti-thesis, followed by synthesis. It hounds my thoughts, governing them, like dogs held to a leash, or perhaps more positively, like horses harnessed to a carriage, giving their wild energy direction and guidance.

It's strange. We go through school thinking that everything is pointless; just for show, yet come out with such habits of thought ingrained so deeply within us, ingrained so deeply that we don't even realize it. And perhaps that's the true value of a top class education. Prestige of going to a top school aside, it's the very deliberate process of drilling such thought patterns into our minds that we truly benefit from, allowing us to benefit from a macroscopic point of view!