Going round in circles and it's the only place too

Being in camp makes me feel strangely emotionally distant. It's not that I don't feel anything, I still get pissed, depressed, occasionally fulfilled etc, it just doesn't feel like I'm really being affected. It's happening to me, yet it feels like it's someone else. I'm afraid that my time in the army has left me bereft of the ability to form meaningful connections with someone else, beyond the drudgery of daily life. I don't know whether I care anymore, you see. Amidst all the lanlansuckthumb, tenuous relationships and the work which just goes on and on, regardless of how well/badly I do it, I've coached myself into an apathy that I find now spills into those other parts of life. It's an oft repeated line, a recurring theme in these posts of mine I find, quite boringly so, but its veracity is no less by virtue of that fact, oft repeated lines are oft repeated for a reason; lack of any better ideas aside. But well, c'est la vie, and on and on it goes.

I guess the old truism applies: It's never as bad as you think it is, and never as good too. I've just got to keep reminding myself of it when I feel down and out, and also when I feel so elated my feet don't seem to touch the earth, though times with the latter are unfortunately few and far between!

Amos told me yesterday that each week that passes is almost exactly 1% of that countdown to ORD, a progress bar that has never filled up so excruciatingly maddeningly slowly before. Do I look forward to it's completion? Of course I do, but honestly please don't let what I post here mislead you; not entirely motivated I may be, but I still intend to discharge my duty to the (almost) best of my ability, though that doesn't mean I won't complain about it when the mood overcomes me. That much I think we NSFs deserve.

Been a pretty decent weekend, despite blowing off loads of cash, met up with JAMA for breakfast, it's been ages since we've last done that, someone always seems to be unavailable for some reason or another. Upside down was a pretty interesting movie too haha, comments reserved for later.

I'm off for a haircut after not having done so since before CNY, it's gotten so long I can hardly recognize myself xP

It's such a joy to reminisce and roll back the clock, even if it's only for a short while. It's reassuring that even though so much has changed; eyes that I can't bring myself to look straight into, words that I can't quite conceive myself saying, thoughts that maybe I shouldn't be thinking, I'm not so different that I can't appreciate those times all over again with a smile on my face.

While the veneer of happiness helps to make things bearable, it wears thin and sometimes I feel so lost (metaphorically of course) and there's no simple way to explain it. It's not very justified; life isn't that bad, but the feeling lingers, a horrible stench that just refuses to go away despite the most vigorous attempts at washing, always threatening to rise to the surface during those quiet moments.

Will you understand?

Of course not!

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

I've been negligent in posting, I know. Part of that due to simple laziness and another because I've let some thoughts stew in my head so long that they start to fester, such that when I finally come back to them, they don't seem like very good ideas anymore, certainly not worth penning down.

Anyways, the long CNY break has been a good one, I've always loved CNY, the general getting together and such, but there's always been a feeling of shallowness to it, especially with all the minor politcking and cultural expectations and such that have to conformed to. And the relatives, especially those of the extended family have always seemed pretty distant to me, with the basic interaction being "oh, look how you've grown!" and so on, nothing unexpected. I'm looking at it from another perspective, however. Those grand aunts, grand uncles and so on, those who appear so distant from me, are in fact my parents' aunts and uncles, my grandparents' brothers and sisters, and well I guess the kinship isn't shallow at all, I just don't feel it as much. I guess years into the future, as we all grow up and my closer family inevitably gets at least a little more experience, I'd cherish every opportunity to meet up and do some catching up of our own, and probably be astonished at how big my cousins' kids have gotten as well!

Yesterday my family went out to renew a couple of mobile plans for my dad, mum and sis, so I got the opportunity to take a look at some of the newer handphones on the market, and I was honestly very impressed. I'm amazed by the features of the Galaxy II and how integrated everything is, you can crop something from a picture you find on the 'net for instance or a picture you take and instantly make your own additions to send it to someone else or to make a personal note. It basically has so much to offer, but with a very simple caveat: Only if you know how to make use of it. IMO, Android and Apple seem to have very different marketing strategies. Android offers you the world, but only if you'll take it, while Apple obviously adopts the mentality of KISS (Keep it Simple, Stupid) and makes things so much easier to use, and a lot more idiot-proof. I'm very impressed by Android and their offerings on all the various other manufacturers, and I guess if they keep going in that direction, I'd very quickly be forced to reconsider my choice in my Iphone 4, but the Iphone offers a very appealingly simple package, one that my mum misses, cause she's very confused by the myriad of options and functions present in her new Galaxy II and she's honestly satisfied by very little; she just wants to surf the net and play Scramble with Friends with me (though I almost always beat her XP) so I suppose it could go both ways.

I have more stuff to say - when do I never.. - but it's time for lunch and the bookin back to camp.. It's been a good break, late nights, late mornings, doing as I pleased, a little selfishly at times I confess, but now's time to go back to that daily routine once more ><

A Year On

It's the 1 year mark. Looking back, I suppose I've come a long way from that first day, boarding the Penguin to sunny Tekong "resort" for the very first time. I've changed, as I've commented so many times, and yet some parts remain the same, as I'm made aware of (painfully so) at times.

I'm experiencing a fair bit of nostalgia, reviewing the events of the past year; not the year 2012 but rather the year in NS, though the two seem irretractably linked in my mind. It's been eventful, to say the least; most marked was the transition from civilian to soldier, the giving up of many personal freedoms, epitomized at that time by the surrendering of my pink IC (oh how I miss you, messed up fringe in the pic and all) and receiving the 11B in return, a horrible trade in all ways. Regimentation and discipline-wise, I remember how crappy I was at my drills at first, and simply getting used to staying and sharing my life with many other guys, and dealing with so many competing egos. It was always a pain to arrange my stuff to pretty exacting standards, and being made to conform was (and still is) an uncomfortable feeling. Learning weapon handling, live-firings, outfield, receiving that letter which I'll never forget, that desperate shellscrape day, that horrible night atop the hill in the middle of a lightning storm torrential rain, huddled together for comfort, that triumphant passing out parade, all memorable.

Life's different nowadays, now that it's settled into the pace of normalcy, and it's gotten...dare I say...unexciting? And a little laborious at times too. At this 1 year milestone, I find myself perhaps inevitably counting down the weeks as they pass, every Friday's a blessing, and while Sunday night is a little disappointing, we're that much closer to those revered three letters. I find it a little sad that I don't look forward to much anymore, but an interesting side effect is that without something to look forward to, I find myself looking at things alot closer, making my private observations, taking notes. It's interesting and enlightening, sometimes heartening, others depressing, but a useful little exercise nonetheless xP It's for such things I guess that I'm not writing off the next 10 months altogether, so on with it!

To be very frank though, I've too easily let myself be completely absorbed into the NS life, often to the point of neglecting all thought of what's happening outside, as well as letting certain events dictate my mood. Working on maintaining a balance between distancing myself and doing a good job will be the main task for the remaining 45% :)

Life's settled into a steady rhythm, set to the ticking of the clock, the passing of days in fives and twos, week after week. I find it surprising how much my mood varies between days. Frustration to calm acceptance, as I am now. It's probably cause I'm still off the back of a pretty decent-ish weekend, and who knows where the tide will bring me tomorrow, but I'm fine, for now.

Saturday was the quiet dinner with friends, followed by pool and a drink at a bar. First time I've ever stepped into one, I was a little apprehensive at first, the music seemed too loud, blasting through the entrance and I balked for a second or so, before following Amos in to a table right beside the 'stage' in the center of everything. It felt really comfortable amidst the general chatter, nice to chill over a (pricey!) drink and take in the general atmosphere. Quite fun to pore over the menu as well, and ponder over the more interestingly named concoctions.

Sunday was subdued, run of the mill but not unenjoyable. I even enjoyed the ride back to camp, over some light talk with my bro and mum, and now, Monday, here we go again.

It's a life held in stasis I suppose I don't blog much nowadays cause there doesn't seem much to blog about. Life in camp has adopted the tone of work, work, work, though there are the occasional highlights and such, it somehow seems a little strange to write about them here. But of course that's what I'll do now, to get some stuff out of my system.

I find myself running around a lot nowadays, doing all sorts of random stuff that don't even justify noting down, and it does get a little testing at times. I still remember running around 38 for the freaking unit stocktaking, even bringing the guy all the way down to ATI and back again, simply to catch a glimpse of the tank and bridge that were parked there for the display, then going back and forth between the base, our tank shed at the other end of the unit and down to D801 (the 3 are kinda situated like the points of huge triangle) back and forth, back and forth to confirm this thing or the other, incredibly dreary, horrible weather, while nursing a cold, and on a Friday no less. Then doing something similar this week, except I had to open the tanks for him to check some components inside. After clambering in and out once, he refused to enter the rest so I had to unlock the tank, open the hatch, climb in and number off each item to him while he stood outside waiting, which is pretty much tokenism at it's best. I could have simply said everything was there and I bet he wouldn't have even bothered to verify it lol. Low-loading to bring our tank and bridge over to Nee Soon Camp for the change of command parade wasn't too bad though. It's (for now) a pretty novel experience and I always enjoy any opportunity to operate the L2 and test my proficiency; admittedly to my detriment on occasion when I find myself not up to scratch. Simply put, low-loading is to launch the bridge in package mode onto a lowbed (those things used to transport cars) and to reverse the tank onto another as well, so it's quite interesting to see how to ensure that the alignment with the lowbed is just right so it can be done successfully. Friday was the parade rehearsal itself (we'd previously had a rehearsal for the rehearsal at our coy-line itself, which I find patently hilarious), so we got up early, drew our arms in Gedong, took a bus - which arrived late and hence totally wasted our early reveille - over to Nee Soon, apparently it didn't matter that we arrived late cause the rehearsal hadn't even started yet, where we proceeded with the rehearsal. Um..I mean rehearsalS. It just went on and on and on, and it was hilarious in a perverse sense to see them try it out with different parade commanders, contingent commanders etc, and to watch the parade commander (a major) salute a master sergeant who was standing in as the fake CoA. Freaking funny. More of a joke though to see those who obviously hadn't  rehearsed the commands, or those up on the stage who were treating it like a game of sorts, playing at who'd get to "be" the CoA or incoming outgoing Chief Engineers next, with no regard for those of us working on our tan in the parade square. The spectacle ended at 1730, but since the bus was indented only for 1900, which couldn't be pushed earlier, we had to hang around. And hang around somemore, cause apparently the bus broke down (the driver didn't check that he had enough diesel apparently, and got stuck somewhere) until we eventually left Nee Soon at 2000. You'd think that was the end of it, but nope, we had to return to Gedong once more to send our weapons before getting changed and finally being allowed to bookout at 2120.

The strange thing is that I'm already numb to all of this. Back in BMT, SCS and even ETI, weekends were something precious and to be treasured. Bookout timings were sacrosanct and we'd do anything to have them as early as possible. Perhaps now after a year as a soldier, I don't really give a shit anymore. Or maybe we're so used to this kind of crap happening that we don't give it a second thought. You just do it (TM Nike) and if things don't turn out well, well, that's just too bad. Complaining has been patently useless so why bother? It scares me somewhat, cause I seem to have lost something vital. That little spark which would speak up when I saw something obviously wrong. It might seem to be a good thing but I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I can't quite articulate it clearly but there's this frustration that builds up within me, when I have to accept things as naturally being shitty and myself being able to do nothing about it. It accumulates within the numbness, contradictory though it may sound, and I find myself getting more sensitive to the most innocuous of things and harbouring certain negative thoughts in my head. If army has thought me one thing, it's how susceptible I am to my more emotional/primitive side, despite what the rational portion may claim.

And I'm just going round and round in circles, little little circles, and I'm not quite sure how to break out. I want to rediscover the freshness of life, the fascination and basic appreciation of the most mundane things. I try to be thankful for the things I have, and I really am, but I think what I crave the most is stimulation of some kind, not just the frustrating work-related interactions, or the casual hi-bye let's talk bout how shag the day has been, or listening to the reasoning of the self-absorbed, maybe that's it. And I can try to numb myself with meaningless stimuli, manga, games, not-so-sophisticated literature, but that doesn't help much at all. It doesn't help much but I'll do it anyway I guess, for reasons I honestly know not why.

PS In my extended hiatus I seem to have lost whatever little creative flair I possessed so please do pardon me in my attempts to rediscover it.

Till then~

New year resolutions (to be edited as I go along):

1. To fulfill and discharge my role as a spec with some modicum of pride and accountability, cause that's the least I can do
2. To reach that precious 301113 without any further incidents, to have a safe and smooth ORD
3. To improve my fitness, generally speaking my current condition is unacceptable.
4. To persevere in the face of adversity, and to react to it not with frustration but polite resistance.
5. To be persistent in pursuing my interests without dragging my feet. 

2012

A little late for reflections, but here they are:

2012 was a crazy year, the first out of school after so long, but no less uneventful, and no less educational.

NS was of course the highlight of the year, and it was honestly a very eye-opening experience, where I lost much of my naivete. Of course I always knew that people thought differently, worked differently etc but unlike prior experience where it was always possible to find some common ground; a shared motivation for that A (or maybe RI peeps just aren't so diverse after all) there was none. And I realized how tough it can be to work against such inertia, as well as how tempting it is to get sucked up in it as well. It really can be quite frustrating. I ran into a pretty interesting type of personality too. While in BMT and SCS I got very familiar with the kind of person who's perfectly contented to sit back and let you do all the dirty work, secure in the knowledge that none of it mattered to them the slightest bit, there's a special kind of person who's unwilling to let that happen. For some reason or another, it makes them feel insecure to see you putting in so much effort - maybe they think it makes them look bad or something, I wouldn't know - and yet they aren't willing to compete by raising the bar. So they seek to neutralize you, pull you down with them, in many subtle ways, by being discouraging, disparaging, diminishing and trying to neuter your capability. It's good I guess, to know that such people exist, and see them for what they are. They aren't bad people by any means, which is why it's so hard to deal with them sometimes, and it's caused me to lose my cool on a couple of occasions.

It may sound like I've gone paranoid, and in some way I suppose I have. I'm much less inclined to give people the benefit of doubt nowadays, I'm less patient and much more likely to get frustrated too, though I may not always show it. I've changed, in so many ways that a complete catalog of them is not only impossible, but also futile, as I find that I still am.

The first few months of NS were a whirlwind of activity, so many new faces popping up here and there, and having met so many people within such a relatively short period of time, I'm really treasuring my friends, both those that I had, and those friendships newly forged. It's not an easy thing, and sometimes it's completely incidental. Some people you may spend months with yet may be unable to hit it off with, and others you gel with in weeks. I'm glad to say I made friends who I honestly and truly love, friends who I can freely share my thoughts with. I'll forever miss those carefree nights in bunk, just sitting round HTHT-ing. It's quite disheartening then, to see how we've fallen apart having gone our separate ways after SCS, and there never seems to be the time to catch up, and I can't help but feel that even if we do, things will never be the same. I feel immensely fortunate to have held onto some friends amidst all this change, Jack Amos Angie Merv, I can't say how happy I am that we still go out ever so often, and how thankful I am that you're around to make fun of me when I take myself too seriously. Sometimes when we're together I find myself quiet at moments, wondering how long it can last, but that's hardly the correct mindset to have in awesome company, so I try to banish it quickly. I'm of course incredibly thankful to my family for all the support and understanding they've given me, and for above all, giving me somewhere to come back to, after a possibly shitty week in camp. Every week, without fail, my mum and dad brave an hour long round trip to send me to camp, it's a huge pain but they don't say anything about it. Sometimes I take it way too fore-granted and it needs reminding.

Mention must be made of how I screwed up some relationships by being overeager, and others by being overly cold. Some things once done can't be taken back, no matter how much you regret them; there's only so much spilled milk you can lap up, and it'll taste foul no matter what you do, so I can only move on from here and behave more maturely. NYJSIUTK

 A year on from the As, I find it striking how little my results actually matter to me. I know it's unfair to say so especially given how I did, but that's simply how it seems. Of course I was elated when I got them, but following my rejection by NUS I seem to have lost all sense of direction in that regard. I know that there's something beyond NS, however with my eyes laid upon the weeks stretching before me, I can't quite see past them with any great certainty. But it's always easier to dawdle and dither at the same spot without taking action, so this year I'll be more proactive, make myself more involved and see where that brings me.

S.A.F: Shit Always Falls

And oh boy is it glorious when it does.

And now, after so long, we're 6 once more. I haven't been able to get down to that post, but we'll just have to see how things go.

I somehow feel like a thief in the night, sitting in the dark in my bedroom to catch my share of early morning football.

Anyway, I'll be off to Malacca in abit, so don't call me! I promise I'll do up a proper post when I get back, just in time for the New Year reflections kinda spirit :)

The good thing about life is that it's just the right length: It's long enough for you to swallow your regrets yet not so long that you shouldn't treasure every moment of it.

Life, nothing more, nothing less

Sometimes there's this feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me. It's nothing specifically rooted in the present, but rather a deadening awareness that whatever I do my life will be consumed by something quite indescribable. Say for example I could be sitting in the car with my mum, not exactly the best mood going on, awkward-ish conversation, and I wonder whether that's where life will lead me, going to work, coming back, stressing over making a living, to support kids who honestly care more about their own lives (which I'd no doubt be part of, but not a super major one), their own concerns; some of which they really won't be able to share with me. An adult life that mainly revolves around the familial unit rather than around the individual, and yet one permeated with a distinctly individual melancholy which simply can't be shared.

Perhaps it's simply my youth speaking and hopefully my perspective will change with time, when I get to experience the joy of parenthood perhaps, or maybe it's all about striking a balance, such that the self doesn't get subsumed in the whole, or maybe I'm just thinking selfishly, but that's what crosses my mind sometimes, and the sense of futility and despair that accompanies it. Is that all there's gonna be to life?

And yet it was a pretty good weekend. Out camp run at Bishan Park on Friday (verynice place after being revamped) which coincided with my L2 seniors' ORD - we spent the previous night making cards for them - and played street soccer afterwards till we got totally shagged out in the mid-afternoon sun, then was about to go home when I got a call from my mum for an impromptu lunch at J8. I happened to meet a junior I used to be quite close to who was flying back to China on Sunday, managed to chat a bit with her before lunch, which was nice. I had to return to camp that night, supposedly to help unload the tanks and bridges coming back from Wallaby but things were held up at the port so we just changed out of our servicings and headed home without getting anything done...Gedong is freaking ulu; luckily I got a ride home from my CSM, so though it was quite suay, it wasn't too bad. Also got to talk to an old sectionmate who was on duty as Alpha's COS for an hour or so; an upside to coming in 2 hrs early I guess? Friday, a day for unexpected reunions maybe hahah.

Saturday; I somehow got to HTHT-ing with my brother while hiding away from my cousin's uni friends who came over for his birthday celebration (damn anti-social hahah) and realized that we think pretty similarly in a pretty screwed up kinda way, result of upbringing probably, but it's cool to have one more person to occasionally talk to, now that we're no longer fighting so much like we used to xP

And today I finally managed to keep my promise to take my sis out for a movie at Nex, Pitch Perfect, which was good, then walked around a little, paid Sandra a visit at Yoguru, it felt a bit like taking advantage of her to get a discount and more yogurt but apparently it's a staff discount and she didn't mind so no prob I guess. Picked up my other sis from the airport; back from Paris, where she spent loads, and had a family dinner before bookin back in. Bookins are so freaking unwelcome nowadays, it's like I'm literally being ripped away from my family to come back to this place to serve, but I guess that just means I should treasure my weekends so much more. I'm becoming quite adept at compartmentalizing methinks, what happens in camp stays in camp, and I won't let it affect my mood over the weekend. And with my seniors' ORD-ing the mental countdown begins.

So that's it I guess. Life, that is. Nothing great, but not too bad either. Maybe instead of focussing on how dreary or whatever the big picture is, I should enjoy these little moments of serendipity whenever I encounter them, eh? And seriously, when you can talk bout how to control your farts so that the noise is diffused while in the car with your family, what's there to hate?

I would risk myself for you; but only if I were absolutely certain that nobody else was willing/able to do the same, and extremely reluctantly at that. A selfish little caveat, I must say, it won't be proven unless the situation arises, so till then you may treat it as abashed self-justification to make it easier to live with myself.

There's a certain tipping point I guess, beyond which the helping hand is not extended as freely and casually as it was before. It varies from person to person, of course, with some giving and giving, apparently with no thought for themselves, and others simply unwilling to offer without any benefits in it for them. I lie somewhere in between, obviously, and as time passes and I encounter various situations, most notably in the Army, I'm gradually starting to make out where that point lies for me, with close friends, friends, section/platoon mates, or simply Coy mates. It's important, though not the most savorable of tasks to make that distinction. How far out of your way would you go to help out a "mere" casual acquaintance?

Or should I continue to feel bad bout not helping one at a pretty great personal expense.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, it was an enjoyable weekend, I volunteered at IMH again on Sat, then met up with Mos and Merv to walk around Orchard Central before settling on dinner at Marche@313. The moment you step in you're assaulted by a barrage of smells, saliva-inducing visions of chicken being flame-roasted on spits, fried calamari, hugeass sausages, Rösti and so many other such offerings demanding that you get them right NOW. And it's so simple too; just scan the card and walk away with the spoils, hassle-free, and you don't really realize how much you've spent till you go to the cashier when you leave, and by then, it's too late xP The Rösti was very worth it though, I think I'm in love. Just look at it... I've dreamt up a particular design for a homemade potato shredder which should work, so maybe I'll get down to it someday. Till then...I'll continue dreaming hahaha. The sour cream goes very well with it, and it has just the right amount of crispiness from the frying mmmmm. The cream of mushroom is also damn good, very rich and I'd say quite worth it. We also shared some Kalamari Rings (also worth it) and half a chicken (not so much). Quite filling, and not the bloated kind too; it leaves you very satisfied and possibly a little eager for more.

Sunday we went shopping for my bro's grad night blazer; spent a couple of hours at H&M, and I looked around a little too, trying on stuff for once, but didn't really find anything satisfactory. Damn big difference from our grad night last year where I simply borrowed my uncle's suit; not that I'm (overly) jealous of course!

The ORD function ironically organized by the ORD-ing crew for us meant I didn't have to book-in Sunday night and we met up at Bayfront MRT Monday morning for the day's activities at GBGB instead. Not the most well-planned but a pretty good effort, and I got to explore the place a little more, which I'm thankful for. I'm determined to pay to enter the domes the next time I visit; they look interesting! The event culminated in kite flying at the Barrage, which was exhilarating, especially given the strong wind, good atmospheric conditions. I'm deffo going to do it again sometime. Pizza afterwards and that was it. I'm certainly envious of the ORD crew but my time will come eventually (there's less than 365 days till then!) so I'll try not to think too much about it and take things a step at a time, I've still yet to resolve this horrendous mess, which crouches just barely out of sight atm, just waiting to pounce.

That's it. Some friends are going through tough times recently, and I guess it'd be too cliched to say: "Tough times don't last, but tough men do". Nothing I can say/do will help, really, but I just hope that though the pain is undeniable, that they can stave off feelings of helplessness and despondence and remain strong through this and do what needs to be done. It's no fairy tale, there's no guaranteed happy ending, but you've got to go on nonetheless, yeah? All the best :)

All In Good Time

I guess there's much to be said about resilience; but there's something damn screwed up when you realize that we've inadvertently become a society which sucker punches you so hard when you're down that it's so much harder to get up again. It's disgusting to think about how so much work could be unravelled by a single moment of carelessness/indiscretion.

I blame myself, though. Should I expect any leniency?

Anyways I spent much of the day sleeping, somehow became unwell over the night, but it was a good weekend to cap off a horrible week nonetheless, and it helped me to take my mind off things. Met up with the guys on Sat after so long, though it took a little effort to coordinate the thing. Jack is damn epic, seriously: "Apparently I 'm having an appointment" hahaha. Dinner at Cityhall was pretty decent, and photobooth on Angie's MacBook was pretty interesting as well. It's a genius idea to turn what practically every laptop has (a webcam) into such a fun device with all the filters, transformations and so on with a seamless interface. Makes you wonder why Windows has so much trouble doing the same.

All In Good Time was a pretty cool movie, just the right length without being draggy; I'm not going to bother summarizing it here. Lot's of laughs, and it dealt with a lot of issues that may crop up in a marriage pretty believably as well.

Favorite line:
(When the bride and her mum were talking about sexual naïveté or something on her wedding night)

"Where do you think the karma sutra came from?"

"That's for export only, we never did it"

As an added bonus imagine it delivered with the stereotypical Indian accent xP

Black Wednesday...hopefully I'll be allowed to defer what transpired then with minimal consequences. Really a messed up day T.T

The sweet pitter-patter of raindrops outside the window is such an enjoyable thing in these early in camp mornings. Yesterday was surprisingly uneventful, despite it being Kyan's birthday. Waited at home for her to get back from piano but my mum ended up taking her out instead, and we had a mini-celebration for her much later that night, right before I left for camp.

Sat was a little more interesting though. I met an insurance agent for the first time; somehow I have this intrinsic distrust of people asking me for money, though it'll eventually end up back with me once more. It defies rationality really, I know that I won't have much use for whatever minimal amount I'd put in monthly but I'm still unwilling to give it up xP I'm still thinking on it though :) After that was helping out at IMH once more, quite funny cause the moment I stepped into the volunteer lounge they looked at me and said "Santa Claus", so apparently I've volunteered to dress up as the jolly old dude for their Christmas celebrations in Dec. We'll see how that goes :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's possible to spin things so many ways, so many different perspectives, that it's a matter of attitude and outlook. But I'm gradually realizing that it's not always possible to rationalize things away, sometimes it's simply how you feel in the moment and so on that affect how you perceive life's narrative. I guess the important thing is to attempt not to let my mood control me; I mean going with the flow is good and all, but when things are going southwards, there's got to be a limit somewhere, yeah?

Study Break

It's been a great 4 days. Alot of time to chill, relax and unwind, studying aside, and the previous week in camp wasn't bad at all either!

Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up by pent-up emotions, and get so carried away by events, trapped in the moment, that you simply lose a clear perspective of things. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that guys go through mood swings too ><

I guess I'm a pretty unambitious guy *gasp* and I'm perfectly contented with just spending time with my loved ones, and...well...the extra time I've spent at home has led me to realize once again what I'm missing out on whilst serving NS. I hate the feeling of counting down to an impending book-in, of having to rush the weekly Sunday ritual, of not having the time to make awkward-ish conversation with my Aunt & Uncle when they come over at night. It's a very disrupted pace of life.

So I'll enjoy my book-outs, however transient, and look forward to the occasional long weekends as well; I've already planned out how I'll spend my outstanding leave - pretty much like how a working adult would, now that I think about it - which I'll be taking in the days following Christmas and leading up to the New Year, and there may be a few offs as well, depending on how Ex Hercules 2 goes, so that's that. I'll try to make the most of my time in camp though, especially after getting this pesky BMAT out of the way, maybe become a more proficient L2 operator, work on my fitness (how could my timing drop by so much 囧) read up on some things of interest, work on my Foosball, and perhaps most importantly, working on my HR skills, which have shown some glaring deficiencies of late; so let's see how that goes.

Robin Van Suarez (Y)

The kind of thing that makes you feel freaking fortunate to have seen "live".