A quiet weekend amidst a flurry of activity that has come to characterize these first couple of weeks of uni life. As I sit here shrouded by darkness, illuminated only by the dim glow of my laptop's LCD screen and the backlit keyboard in front of me, I still can't quie believe that this is really happening. So much material to study and cover before going to class each day, as I struggle to get the rusted cogs in my head moving, and on the not-quite periphery of school life; hall activities, friends and such, though I bring my laptop into camp hall every week I barely have the time to touch it, much less give its keyboard my customary loving caress.

Yesterday's lab practical was intriguing to say the least; another kind of electrophoresis, spectrophotometry as well as microscopic analysis of blood, our own blood, obtained via a tiny pinprick of the finger "Let me lance you" sounds quite wrong, doesn't it? Morning practical followed by an afternoon of mugging, eyes turned towards my iPad, frantically attempting to digest a series of lectures on metabolism (see what I did there? :P), Metabolic Pathways I & II, Oxidative Phosphorylation etc, material not exactly foreign to the A level curriculum but much more in-depth, and with the additional expectation that we should cover within a day - we're allocated 4 hours of prep time to be precise - what we'd take a couple of weeks to cover in RJ. Studying from 3pm-2am, till I got light-headed, and sleep, when I eventually allowed myself a respite, was fitful and disturbed with images of carbon compounds, biochemical intermediates, catalytic enzymes and the various pathways swimming before me, to be woken up and off for today's lessons, a mental wringing throughout the day bifurcated by an hour long lunch break. Mentally drained, sleep deprived, but I have to admit TBL (team based learning) is a very interesting way to learn, though there are some inherent flaws which I won't elaborate on here. And it's been amazing to finally and actually learn again, new input, new stimulus, more food for thought. The spirit craves, and dies when it finds wanting.

A good weekend, a meetup with dear and treasured friends, some distance, paths diverged and traveled, it's a sobering thought to recall that in the very near and immediate future we may all be scattered across the world, each pursuing our individual dreams. I want to remember the times we've had together, memories shared, walking down Orchard Road, huddled around in some bar, not talking much, but simply being, stupid things done together, and remain hopeful of the times we'll have together in the future as well. Foolish sentimentality? Perhaps, but maybe I want to be the one left in the room after the party's over and the lights go on, the one there to clean up the mess and tidy the place up, keep the lights on, for the next time. Why not?

A Sunday spent, I must admit, not in the most productive way possible, Monday's mugging frenzy was admittedly at least in part self-afflicted, discipline is something I'll have to enforce, if I want to have much of a semblance of a life in uni. The workload and timetabling is ridiculous compared to other courses, which is obviously to be expected, but I don't believe that I won't be able to make something out of it with the appropriate management, choices, choices, choices.

How could I forget, a Thursday, significant in it's symbolism,  a White Coat Ceremony in which we received the symbols of the profession. I know not how this tradition began, and tbh I'll admit that perhaps I was not entirely invested with the significance of the whole thing, but it is a significant milestone in our/my medical career; though I'm doing my best not to put the chariot before the horse and get too far ahead of myself. A start, after all too long a trip that began when I decided, on an impulse to submit an application to YLL 2 years back, the subsequent rejection, and the rollercoaster ride which was my application in the subsequent year. Now it begins.

Speaking of choices, a decision I found myself making that Thursday evening:  A decision between having my virgin clubbing experience (which is probably a damn pathetic way to put it) with my OG mates at Jash and completing the next day's lectures and ensuring I had sufficient rest before an early morning trip over to the Mandalay campus in Novena for a full day's worth of TBL. A decision possibly simplified as work vs play, and I went with work. Any regrets? Possibly, cause by all accounts those who went for it had a lot of fun, and that day's TBL didn't turn out to be particularly meaty, but still a more "responsible" decision (which has all kinds of connotations, different ones to different people) to make, influenced perhaps because I didn't think it too appropriate to go for it right after the WCC hehe.  Well anyway I don't doubt that I'll face many more such or even more significant conflicts of priorities and decisions I'll have to make, be it simply work vs play or something else, all I hope is that I'll be able to choose wisely, while still maintaining that all so crucial balance that's necessary to have an enjoyable and fulfilling time.

C'est tout.

I realize I may have been pretty lenient with frequent temporal skips and hopping back and forth along the timeline, but I've been, as always, typing as things come to me, and it does, to me at least, seem to form a narrative of sorts, so I'm leaving it as it is. It may be that when I eventually revisit this during my more idle/introspective moments, that it'll make absolutely no sense to the "me" then at all, but that's simply a risk I'll have to take~

Voyage du Monde

I've been procrastinating quite a bit (as usual) but I guess now that I'm at the end of a pretty hectic one-and-a-half-weeks it's as good a place to start as any, so here goes. There will, of course, be the temptation to hop rapidly from thought to thought; packed and messed up as the days have been, but for clarity's sake as well as to facilitate recollection when I'm in my dotage, I shall endeavor to maintain a certain amount of chronological discipline and we'll see how things go from there.

Hall camp was certainly an interesting experience, a great induction into Uni life if I may say so myself. I'd initially harbored reservations with regards to signing up for camp given certain shall-I-say unsavory rumors about some of the activities we'd be made to perform, as the infamous Social Development Network is evidently a huge sponsor. Those rumors turned out to be largely unfounded, and I'm really glad I decided to participate afterall, but I believe I'm getting ahead of myself. So, before moving on any further, a rudimentary timetable of sorts, more for personal reference than anything else:

Day 1 (Sun): Introduction, Ice-breaking games, Batch Dance, "War games", Fright Night
Day 2 (Mon): Games at Pasir Ris Park, Dirty Games, Telematch, SP Night
Day 3 (Tues): Amazing Race
Day 4 (Wed): Pool Games, "Running Man", Hall Initiation
Day 5 (Thurs): Mini-Olympics, SP Day, Dinner at the Grill @ The Flyer
Day 6 (Fri): [Cont from Thurs] Drinking games, HTHT, Prize giving, break camp, Sakae buffet

Hmm so on to the more notable parts, I'm not too good with names, especially chinese ones, aiyo, so it took me awhile to familiarize myself with everyone, ice-breaking games were pretty standard actually, encouraging the guys to split up and mingle around more (since my OG has 10 guys and 15 girls) though some guys needed no further encouragement heh. Double Whacko, as well as a couple of station games, nothing out of the ordinary there.

The war games were something really traumatizing for us guys though. We were made to sit in a circle with our arms and legs interlocked with the guys on either side of us, and the idea was for the girls of another OG to attack us and attempt to break one of us free from the circle, through any means possible, while the girls from our OG would stand within the circle and fend off their attacks. Sounds pretty simple, right? Needless to say competitiveness ensured things escalated very quickly, imagine hordes of girls descending upon a hapless guy who they deemed the easiest target, countless hands grabbing and untangling before taking hold of his legs and heaving, over and over again. A friend of mine who got thusly assaulted described the feeling "as if he were flying". And at the same time the defending girls engaging in a cat fight with the attackers, scratching and grabbing and even biting, urgh. I was fortunate enough to be right beside a "target" during the final round, it was freaking scary, with them trying to drag him away, trying to get me to unlock my arms, even resorting to tickling, I almost got kneed in the face, and all this while holding on for dear life.

Fright night certainly was interesting, they actually booked a couple of bungalows over at Changi for the event, being in E, our OG was the last to leave NTU (via chartered bus) as well as last to set off and come back. Loads of waiting time, we HTHT till we got so sian at around 2am that we simply stoned. I was paired with Jing Wen, who was so freaking scared she didn't respond when we had to proceed blindfolded, which kinda scared me too, other than that it was quite enjoyable, especially since the seniors put ALOT of effort into doing up the haunted house as well as with costumes and acting. One particular effect which involved a strobe light and a "demon" rushing towards me was really good (Y) Too high to fall asleep afterwards so we chatted all the way on the bus ride back before finally returning to Hall around 5am, a labored washing up before finally taking to bed.

Up at 8 on Monday with barely any sleep for an even busier day, after having a quick breakfast we were shuttled once more to Pasir Ris park for more games, before carrying on with Dirty Games, which thankfully literally dirty rather than figuratively. Ranging from lying down in mud to pass random ingredients face to face, leopard crawling through a mixture of soya sauce, sweet sauce and flour to pick up mud bombs to sling at an opposing OG, playing Captain's Ball, except with random food items: Papaya, Cabbage, Tomato, Squid, Chicken Feet etc, and also playing Dog and Bone with aforesaid mud bombs, things got dirty and disgusting very fast. A childish load of fun, though, followed up by a rinse in the sea to wash up before the telematch. Did I forget to mention that my OG despite not being that high is/was super competitive, mostly thanks to our SAs, as our GLs are pretty chill people. So we chiong-ed all the way for the telematch, came in first for the human centipede, won the human wheelbarrow even though both our participants were girls, soaped the heck out of Melinda and Jessica's hair to collect the foam in a bucket before rushing to the sea to "rescue" Glenda and rush her to the shoreline before finally performing a photo formation on the beach to come in first. Since when has "We cheat, we steal, we win" become an acceptable motto lol. Washed up once more at a public toilet/shower before heading over to Cranwell bungalows for dinner and cleaning up for SP night.

It's the first time I've ever heard of such a thing so I'll spend some time explaining it. Basically SP night is more or less like a literal blind date, we were all blindfolded, all the guys were told to line up by height, I presume the same happened to the girls, and brought to various locations around the place to be paired up with our SPs, who we'd speak to, while still remaining blindfolded. I was lucky because the seniors at the place I was at pretty much left us unmolested, while other guys from my OG came back with random stuff scrawled in black marker on their skin, and some even got um...injured at a pretty sensitive part of their body but anyways.... The idea was for us to find out more about each other, and the guy is supposed to guess at a later date who his SP is from among the other girls in the same OG, and be subjected to some forfeits if he guessed wrongly. The screwed up part though is that either one can choose to be untruthful when saying anything about themselves during the conversation, so it's really quite hard to guess. At least that's how it was supposed to be. In the end, though, since we weren't really given any explicit instructions, it just turned out to be a pretty normal chit chat session, except perhaps maybe a little less awkward cause the situation was so alien and not entirely of our own choosing. Almost everyone gets to speak to 2 SPs, with the girl getting to choose which of her SPs she preferred; guys have no choice in the matter (lol). So the second one actually chose me, apparently the first guy she spoke to was so cui they ended up playing some slappy game in lieu of actual conversation, we spoke for around an hour or so, strange how hard it is to keep track of time when you're blindfolded huh! Conversation was less awkward than rambly, coming up with random shit to talk about, being blindfolded actually helped me to be more open, which turned out to be a bad thing in the end (later!) before finally retiring for the night.

Amazing Race the next day was super intense, we "dog mode-d" all the way, initially got off to a slow start in the first station, which kicked off around 8, then had to chiong all the way to catch up, it was kinda irritating because stations couldn't be performed simultaneously so we were held up even though we'd already reached. Finally managed to overtake with some astute transport decisions to come in first for lunch, fell behind a little afterwards, before pulling ahead, almost lost it at the pool station before finally ending up first back to hall just a little before 1. Tbh while we were quite high from the constant running, we didn't really find the race very fun, probably because of how competitive we were being, it was basically rushing from one station to another, and the stations themselves weren't that interesting either, it was just a really tedious gallivanting across Singapore, with the upside I guess being that we got to know each other a lot better.

Pool games and running man, a good time to chill and recover from the previous day's exertion before the hall initiation at night. Really a tekan session, had to defend a guy holding a lit candle while being assaulted on all sides by shitloads of water while guiding him up a few flights of stairs, which obviously got us totally soaked for the rest of the initiation, doing PT at the carpark, having the girls drag the guys on tyres, which felt very paiseh, did duck walks and hops around a basketball court etc before finally returning to the hall to recite our creed and drinking a cup of foul-tasting liquid which signaled the end of initiation. Went back to hall to crash once more before Thursday.

Mini-Olympics were more fun, "softball" played with fishballs, blind soccer, captain's ball with a rugby ball, and some random marshmallow game, before changing up to meet our SPs. SP day was quite comedic in my case, not quite sure how to elaborate, loads of awkward moments and some which were frankly hilarious, don't think I'll be sharing them to any great extent here cause they're really quite embarrassing but rest assured it's not something I'll be forgetting very easily. Lessons learned, though:
1) Appearances, and consequently first impressions, really do matter
2) Do not apologize, repeatedly, even if things are going south rapidly, instead try to improve them!
3) There are certain unspoken expectations regarding a date which I was unaware of, which probably go a long way towards explaining how things turned out. Do take note!

My SP was really nice about it though, so I honestly don't have anything negative to say about her >.<

After the "date" we assembled at O' Learys Sportsbar & Grill for dinner and the night's activities, wow a set of earphones with my SP after dinner which was kinda awkward-ish before heading off to HTHT with the OG, then to the impromptu dance floor for some semi-clubbing. (I'm currently semi-comatose so do forgive my lack of description) then back to hall where most of us gathered in a senior's room for some HTHT and random drinking games till 6am before slinking back unceremoniously to our respective rooms. I was really struck by how generous Mitchell, our GL was in treating us to drinks with nary a comment, and also sponsoring the drinks for the drinking games. I had many sips of the mixture he concocted but didn't quite manage to get drunk.

After that we woke up, found out that our OG won in terms of points, collected our prizes, did the batch dance, then broke camp and had Sakae buffet for lunch. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, obvious enough, right? Unfortunately we failed to keep that in mind, and ended up having 9 plates of heaped with freaking fried salmon skin arriving at our table along with 2 platters of roe sushi, codenamed: That disgusting red shit. In our defense though, the pictures only showed about 4 slices of salmon skin, in what must be the first case ever of photos showing smaller portions than reality in history. It got super disgusting to the point where Swee Hwa was basically hiding the excess salmon skin under the pile of plates to be disposed of because the rest of us had eaten beyond the point of enjoyment, which was a huge waste because I didn't even get to enjoy the pink plate I was entitled to haha. Another lesson learned: Lesson is more, gluttony is a sin for a reason!

Well anyways to sum up my hall camp experience, I wasn't exactly the most open and outgoing freshie in my group, and that may even be an understatement, but I really enjoyed myself amidst the tekan and constant rushing about from Point A to B then to C, our OG was really on about things, and that probably contributed somewhat to the enjoyment. It served as a great introduction to Hall life and left me expectant of the various activities that Hall 3 has to offer, Hall life seems like it'll be really happening; and with some luck be an awesome way to spend the time after school surrounded by a bunch of people/potential friends to mess around and have fun with :)

Time to crash. Finally. Phew

An ennui i have no conceivable right to, let's just get this on shall we?

Once bitten twice shy, reactive creatures we are, fearful of getting hurt will we hurt in return?

As always balance is key.

Channeling past into future, the twin headed eagle soars, I'd do well to learn by example, the follies of years past carried away by events running around like a headless chicken, do not give what you cannot receive.

Are we to be doomed to commit the same mistakes, over and over, spiral to eternity, different times same fates, or may there be hope yet? Only time may tell. Even then, what does it matter, but blips on the grand scale of cosmic events.

But while a grain may know not upon what shore it's washed upon, all that it may know, are what other grains may rest around it; a relative certainty, and that'll haveto do. For now.

Time for that long overdue post in this time between wakefulness and sleep, though over the past few weeks my circadian rhythm has become messed up beyond recognition.

Alone would probably be a reasonable word to characterize these weeks, alone yet not quite lonely. The days seem to pass in a blur at times, perhaps because I've not been maximizing the use of my time, but that's well-trodden ground by now, something I'll avoid. I've been spending much of the time on my computer, trawling the Internet for je ne sais quoi, casting out into the wide abyss hoping for some resonance and feedback, perhaps, but emptiness can only beget emptiness, no? How ironic that amidst its depths I find nothing for myself, except those same few sites, over and over again.

Collisions with the outside world are intermittent, and not at all unwelcome, I've been to the gym and gone swimming with Mos, Merv joined us for dinner 2 Fridays past, conversations that've brought me out of my own head, the benefits of solitude aside I truly appreciate having sounding-boards for the most ridiculous or irrelevant of ideas, for casual conversation, the frank sharing of concerns, worries and sometimes dreams, does it speak more about me perhaps that I don't find this easy to do with many other people, despite attempts to be open and earnest with the people I come across? Sometimes I find the banality with which I resort to on many an occasion frankly appalling.

That said, it's been good to get to know meet my coursemates, to begin the process of matching names to faces, and to really start to get to know them beyond the most trivial exchange of particulars and information that seems to preface any meeting; a necessary step no doubt, but one that I find particularly onerous (don't we all?). It's a common courtesy I guess, and a foundation to embark upon further conversation, though to be honest I'm not all too sure sometimes whether we're just asking for the sake of asking, and whether all this is forgotten at first parting. Others more socially adept than myself would probably be able to tell you who is from what JC, what CCA they were from etc but unfortunately such facts usually elude me without further reinforcement, which I'm making a conscious effort to rectify. Yes, Yen San, I remember that you live at Telok Blangah, though there's probably no chance of you seeing this xP

My coursemates seem like a pretty varied bunch of people, I think they're alright on a whole, perhaps there are a few who'd give Jack a run for his money, I haven't been able to tell much more from the few times we've met. The spectrum of schools and ages is pretty varied as well, the spread of JCs seems much more level than what I've been led to believe is the case with *cough*NUS*cough* though the gender ratio is horribly skewed, 8 guys : 2 girls if I'm doing my math right xP strangely enough there seem to be a lot more of us second-time applicants (AKA NUS rejects lol) than first-time ones, and that's about it in terms of demographics. First meeting was for lunch at eighteen chefs at Tiong Bahru (really good value for money, customization in terms of the dish you order etc, definitely worth going to again), second time a visit to NUS' anatomy museum, courtesy of a NUS M2's invitation, he actually told/led the supervisor to believe that we were the incoming batch of M1s to give us a tour around (oops) and offered to help us with anything we needed, questions we had, and apparently they'd offered to organize an orientation for us, which our Profs refused, a really kind gesture, though I can understand why our Profs did what they did. It was really cool to observe the preserved specimens on display in the museum, dissected and laid out to highlight the respective structures and organs, it could possibly be viewed as grotesque by some I guess, but it was obvious that it's all for educational purposes with all due respect, so nothing wrong with it from my POV. NUS students also have further anatomy hall sessions where they go into this theatre and organs from real cadavers are literally laid before them in carts and they're supposed to poke and feel around to further reinforce their learning, so it's probably imperative to quickly get over the ick factor. Something that was really impressed upon me though was the breadth and depth of what I'll have to study and be expected to be familiar with as a medical student as well as a practicing doctor in the future. It's not that I didn't have any prior expectations about it, but it really reinforced the fact that I'll have to put much work into this over the next few years and probably the rest of my life, it's a little daunting, but a challenge that I'm up for :P

The next meeting (do pardon my awkward paragraphing) was a self-organized IntroDOCtion (hurhur) held at the function room of Gabriel's condo, it's one of those ridiculously huge East Coast condo complexes, so pretty impressive stuff. And this, of course, was right after the signing of the Medical Undergraduate Agreement last Saturday, which started off with me bleary-eyed and headed to the Police Centre around 6 in the morning (note my screwed up body clock, it felt like 3 am when my mum woke me T.T) with my parents to submit an official change of address request which I'd been procrastinating on, and suddenly necessitated by the signing later that day, before heading to Yishun to collect my new spectacles, which my brother insists are totally hideous (urgh) before going to the HPB for the bond signing. The crux of the agreement basically being tying myself to serve the government for 5 years, failing which my sureties (my parents) would have to pay $500k for me to break the bond; no way that's happening lol. I managed to link up with some NTU peeps while over there and secured a ride from someone's mom (the CEO of SH and wife of the DeM no less, speak about white horses) over to the condo. Minor awkward moment when I was trying to help close the car boot, a little hesitantly because I was afraid of slamming it, only to have her open it fully once more and reach up to a button which made it close automatically. Oops. It was pretty vanilla after that, so was the meetup, around 30+ of us were there, it was more like an opportunity to mingle, familiarize a little etc before school really starts, pretty enjoyable nonetheless.

Lastly, which was yesterday, I went down with some of them to a talk held for prospective applicants at the Mandalay Campus at Novena, meet someone before that. Note to self: Never suggest to a girl to have lunch at Popeyes and other such places, quite hard to have conversation while stuffing your face with fried chicken, it probably doesn't do for a great first impression (I kid, it wasn't that bad, I hope). We got to speak to some of the faculty there, as well as horror of horrors, help to speak to some of the students present, answer some questions etc, basically to help sell the school. It was an interesting experience to put myself on the other side of the applications process for once hehe. Speaking to the profs really helped to ramp up my excitement about the start of school, the programme and pedagogy really does sound engaging, it's something that's never been done to that great an extent in Singapore; they've made full use of this opportunity to tailor the entire curriculum around it, so I absolutely can't wait for school to start. Sure, it may be more demanding, but it actually sounds fun, not just boring lectures that you sleep through most of the time or don't even have to turn up for, it's more interaction based, and structured to reinforce learning, I fervently hope we realize its potential.

Ok, I've rambled enough about school etc and I've got no wish to bore you so I'll end it here. Now, time for sleep to claim me, and perhaps I'll have dreams of sneaking among rooftops, and leaping upon unsuspecting prey, finishing them off as they turn to dust in my arms, I've been playing a fair bit of Dishonoured afterall. Great game (Y)

QWOP (Once more)

Holy shit I'm so elated it's retarded.

...and kinda sad.

QWOP (cont.)

Or perhaps it's because, cynical though I may be, some part of me recognizes that rather than peeling back the layers and uncovering frustration, above all that it's ultimately about the constant struggle of overcoming the self; the limited nature of the human condition to become something more than that. Yeah sure we'll stumble and fall along the way, undoubtedly making ourselves look foolish as we land unceremoniously flat on our collective faces/asses, and in the end we may never attain it, but in this case the act of trying is far more significant than the ends of achieving. As you run, focus, timing, gravity all coalescing into one perfect moment, and as the moment extends and stretches on, you shed just a little bit of those limitations and it's beautiful.

So I'll carry on, I guess. Life is a constant struggle, not in the oh-I-don't-want-to-carry-on-living sense but a struggle against the weaknesses I find so prevalent within myself and temptations external, but I want to carry on with hope in my heart, sustained not by a certainty of what awaits me (the only certainty is uncertainty) but the belief that each step I take is a worthwhile one.

QWOP

Wow my itchy fingers just lost me a fanboy post about QWOP so I guess I'll try to replicate it once more, though the feeling is long gone, a feeling which I shall perhaps seek to emulate with 30 mins of soul-crushing attempts to complete the nigh impossible game.

I'll be the first to admit that my renewed obsession is well, inexplicable and very questionable, given that there's no actual point to the game, you control a ragdoll with the relatively simple controls of 'Q,W,O,P' for the left and right thighs and calves respectively, with the goal of crossing the 100M mark. However gameplay is all but, as you'd find if you were to click on that link above xD And yet there's something I find incredibly fascinating about it; despite playing god knows how many runs, I haven't been able to complete it even once, so the challenge could be a definite factor, or perhaps it's the process itself. A slight tap of 'O' to lean forwards at the starting line, 'W' to thrust the right leg downwards, 'O' once more to lift up the left, 'Q' to thrust the left down, 'P' to lift up the right, 'W' once more to push it down, again and again, over and over again. It's a simultaneously cathartic and frustrating experience. Mistime your steps just a little and you'll quickly find your endearing avatar falling flat on his face/ass, along with a very audible 'thump'. Do it well though and you'll find him gliding smoothly along to the soundtrack, engaged in an elegant dance with gravity and time your willing partners.

Far be it from me to over-analyze (well for those who know me that's not very far at all..) but to me at least, beyond simply being a game, QWOP is a brilliant allegory of life, elegant in the very bumbling and stumbling that one is bound to encounter as he first plays with the controls, more likely than not to end up in a tangle of limbs barely a meter away from the start line. There's a  very steep learning curve, not many would have the patience to go along with it, but the fulfillment once you get things sorted out and break into stride is definitely satisfying. But that's not all there is to it; it's by no means easy to keep the momentum going, how to resume once you've stopped is another tricky skill you'll have to pick up, get that wrong and you'll end up flat on your face, back to the start with you. Conversely as you go along, feeling pretty good about yourself, it's all too easy to get carried away by the momentum and lose control, break stride, stumble and fall. You have as many second chances as you'd like, but no save points, none at all. So, the recap, be incompetent, you fall, miserably. Over-confident and complacent, you fall. Overly anxious and unable to keep it up, you fall. Simply unlucky (countless times when lag/a sudden overpowering urge to scratch my nose caused me to miss a beat come to mind) and you fall. And yes, you can try and retry and re-retry over and over again, but You. May. Never. Succeed. And even if you do, so what? Is the whole world going to celebrate your achievement? There's no leaderboard to speak of, and even if there were, there's bound to be someone who can do it better than you; the next time you refresh the site, it's all gone. Quite a cheery message isn't it? Nah I'm obviously being sarcastic; it's downright depressing. Which probably goes a long way towards explaining my fascination with it, I'm just weird that way.

As an aside, reliable sources have informed me that there some soulless individuals have adopted a decidedly unorthodox method to complete the game, one which involves taking a strange posture, crouched very low down supported upon a mass of random limbs and thusly contorted, convulsing and sidling along the ground for very, very, long, all the way till the endpoint, the very idea of which is offensive to a purist like me. I mean, it's not exactly a Pyrrhic victory, but what's the point in that? Or maybe it says more about myself that I'd rather never reach the end and endlessly make attempts to do it the more challenging/'right' way rather than engage in something even more mind-numbing and downright ugly just for the sake of reaching the end. It's all about the style~

And yes, I just spent the better part of 750 words rewriting a post about a rather pointless game, so sue me. Or rather, SMS OTL

Days

I guess I could be making more productive use of my time but I'm not too ashamed with what I've been doing with my new-found freedom as I'm pretty aware of what awaits me once the school term starts. So, some chill time, gladly appreciated, C'est la vie.

Two Sundays back I found myself along with my family aboard a super luxury yacht (at least it seemed luxurious from my limited worldview xP), 3 rooms below deck, a saloon in the cabin and a viewing gallery above, complete with a kayak and speedboat onboard; all courtesy of my dad's friend (who chartered it, not so rich that he'd own one). It's an amazing way to spend the afternoon if the weather's forgiving, a 2 hour cruise out to the smaller islands littered around Singapore, with a short stopover at Kusu Island before heading back. I'm a horrible writer so I shan't mention over-used cliches such as having the sun on my face, wind in my hair etc, it just felt wonderfully serene to sit on the front deck and feel the waves go by, to stand at the bow, clenching tightly onto the railing, fearful that I'd be taken away by the wind and the waves, yet at the same time unable to resist the thrill involved, and to yes, imitate that Titanic pose xP Great chance to unleash the inner camwhore too~

 

 

 And I guess KH's incessant attempts to capture an "artistic" shot of some waterway yielded some nice pics as well~

The evening was occupied with a leisurely stroll along the boardwalk towards Labrador Park for dinner, taking in the sunset over the hill in the distance, the play of light across the water with the boardwalk sinuous, extending on...heck I'll just let the photos speak their thousand words.

 

All this accompanied by the not totally unwelcome chatter of my siblings, walking on. I do appreciate a good ambience.

Monday, SAF day, (my official disruption day btw XP) a casual meetup with Amos at AMK to take advantage of the various offers around for NSmen, unfortunately, and more than a little irritatingly, Fish & Co (and yes I'm singling them out) required us to be in Long 4 to benefit from the discount, which was baffling - shouldn't the 11B suffice as identification - and perhaps a little ironic: Who'd have guessed that in order to recognize the contributions of our NSmen you'd have to literally recognize and be able to single them out as well? Perhaps a misguided attempt to improve the image of the uniform, amidst the repeated STOMPing by the media. So we boycotted them for Pepper Lunch before heading to Bishan library, chilled a little before catching World War Z (more on that later) and departing.

I was supposed to go down to the medical centre at NTU for my checkup Tuesday afternoon but left the house too late (slight miscalculation on my part, 2 hours from home, really?) and ended up meeting my mum for lunch at Serangoon Gardens instead. Oh how little we actually speak, you and I. Your company no less welcome, very much loved. Why do we find communication so difficult?

Wednesday down to NTU for my medical, went down especially early to beat the crowds, ran into Soon Hong and a couple of future coursemates, spotted by virtue of those who had the yellow immunization form, conversation was haltingly awkward, as was the same for the more organized meetup on Thursday at Tiong Bahru, but thankfully NS has left us loads of common ground to cover, introductions to be made "Oh I was from 38 SCE, you know where Sungei Gedong is? Yeah, armored engineer, how bout you?" I guess it'll all work out somehow. I realize though that when I meet new people though I'm now a lot less reticient and reluctant to open up, I have this tendency to be overwhelmed/crowded out by the shall-we-say more outspoken and boistrous of those you'd find in a group. Suffice to say I prefer my interactions to be on a more personal and intimate level, something which I find lacking in larger group interactions; in which I feel intimacy and perhaps even sincerity may have to be sacrificed in the interest of being inclusive, which is very much a skill in and as of itself, but I just don't seem to have the energy! Alvin kept quoting from that book of his that while we may be able to adapt to various social situations, those we find ourselves most comfortable with are indicative of our personalities (a bit duh but hey wth). I guess I'm an introvert way inside, not much of a surprise, that, I just lack the high-ness to thrive in big group situations, they're often mentally taxing and I often find myself feeling drained after the event, though I'll admit to having enjoyed myself a fair bit.

Saturday, received a call around 12.10 at home from Kang Hui's bandmate, asking whether she "was around", thinking she wasn't at home, I replied that she wasn't till Kang Yan corrected me; she was still sleeping. Cue shock from her friend, cause apparently KH was supposed to meet with her section for rehearsals for the matinee performance of her concert not much later on. She was so hysterical when woken up that I actually felt sorry for her (which makes me sound worse than I am, honest) so I calmed her down before walking her out, fortunately for her she got a lift from my aunt and uncle, so she wasn't too late. It really was quite amusing to watch her hysterics though! Speaking of missed calls turns out I got shortlisted for the student union camp, many applicants, very few slots so evidently I was quite lucky. I, however, didn't pick up the original call from my would-be facil - sister turned my phone to silent mode when I left it to charge... - and when he called back later, he at first wasted a lot of time trolling me by saying he was from the Med faculty and had to review my application cause they'd taken in too many people (yeah right...) before asking me to sing him a song. It should have struck me that it was basic ragging and that I should have played along a lot better, but sad to say I phailed very badly (I mean it shouldn't be that hard to think of a song and just sing it however badly on the spot, right?) and then had to hang up on him mid-call to attend the aforesaid concert; horrible timing by all accounts, he actually called right when I was about to enter the concert hall and they were about to close the doors for the performances to begin, and when I smsed him asking whether I could call back the next day, apparently they were done selecting people for the camp, so missed opportunity there perhaps... More time to myself before school begins, then.

I've been watching a shitload of movies lately, and that in addition to loads of time spent trawling the depths of Youtube, I'll leave that for another post.

And the days roll by. Without the continuous rhythm of book ins and outs to mark the passage of time I've been finding myself quite lost to be honest. Every day's a Friday. TGIF~

On Hiatus, for now

Well, it's over, for now, that is. It's strange how much clutter the past 17 months have left me, clutter in my room, head and heart.

That last day Friday in Gedong had sadness, nostalgia and no small measure of joy I'll admit all rolled up into one. I had delayed on signing my clearance forms, perhaps borne of an unvocalized and irrational desire to prolong my stay, and once I wanted to get it signed, I realized to my dismay that Captain Paul (my OC) had taken overseas leave for the rest of the week and I had to find someone else to sign it, a little more troublesome than it needed to be. After that I needed to pass the forms on to Persnode and to surrender my camp pass as well, however after making the trip down I found (and at this point I was more bemused than anything else) a sign pasted on the door "We will be closed on 280613 and will be open for half a day on 010713" so having posted the previous night that I had probably spent my last night in Gedong and would miss the place, the irony that perhaps I'd been granted my wish afterall wasn't lost on me. Eventually though, I was able to drop it off with my S1 for safekeeping and a promise that they'd pass it on to Persnode for me; much to my relief. The rest of the morning was pretty much spent packing the last of my things, making decisions on what to leave behind, what not to, farewells bade, signing out on the book in/out book for the last time (Reason: Disruption how understated) followed by one last trip down to the E-mart with Kenneth, Nelson and Lt. Gerald to spend the last of my credits (boots for everyone!), "luggage" in tow, and out, out the guardhouse, "Once Armour Always Armour" same for armoured engineers?, and off to CMPB, an exchange, green for pink, immeasurable elation, a civilian once more.

I'm glad then, that after rushing through my dental and medical FFIs on Wednesday (a farce, if I may say so) that I had the opportunity to sweat it out with the rest of the section in reassembling one side of the Wallaby tank's track, breaking the other side and stripping the track pads from it. Sweaty but honest work, and if felt good to work on arguably our toughest task as AE with the rest for the last time, along with the satisfaction of a job well done. I couldn't help but have some lingering feelings, guilt at being unable to help the guys with the rest of Wallaby prep, so many things unsettled and undone, missing the retarded and fun times together, yet I know that these are soon to evaporate, as such sentiment is wont to do, with the passage of time. Does the time that we had together have any less meaning because of that? I think not.

As a whole, and in a bid to put a fullstop to this stage of my NS journey, it's certainly been an eye-opening experience, one that I find myself able to look upon (selectively, of course) with no small amount of fondness.The pretty quintessential army experience in BMT and SCS, along with the totally unexpected opportunity to be an Armored Engineer and drive a freaking tank are all going to reside in my memory. It's fairly obvious, at least to myself, that I've changed, to some extent or the other, throughout my time in NS. I've met people who I've truly disliked (quite a first, trust me) and as I progressed through, I think I've become, on some level, more impatient and quick to judge, sometimes quick to frustration (though hopefully not to frustrate). I have though, at least I'd like to think, become a little better at communicating, more open, and really, quite a bit better at standing up for myself. Amidst all this change, I've also come to realize that there are aspects of myself which for better or worse, aren't going to change as easily. Army has made me aware of my limitations. It's not an easy thing to accept, knowing that no matter how much I try, though there are aspects of my personality which sway perceptions of me in ways I don't entirely enjoy, that there's sometimes not much that I can do about it. I can't help but wonder if that's a role which I've sunk myself into too deeply to find my way out of at this point of time. And do we, as we go on and meet new people in life, seek to assign and consign them to familiar roles, in a subconscious bid to simplify daily interactions? It kinda makes sense, if you take it that our Monkey Spheres only have room for so many people, so taking it as if we were interacting with the same basic kinds of people, over and over again, might make things easier, no? Or perhaps as we enter foreign environments, we seek comfort in familiarity, make attempts to recreate what we already had, slide easily into roles we're used to adopting, substitution at work. Pretty interesting line of thought for personal pondering, maybe.

I've deviated somewhat from my original aim, I guess that's for the best, I've been left with a wealth of memories, loads of nostalgia and if I were to unload it all here I'd probably never be finished. Let's leave it as such, for now, though I still feel somewhat unsatisfied. Maybe I'll come back sometime in the future (not)

It's time to move on, on and on. And while the magic may not always flow, I'd like that we move on together, for a little more at least, though hopefully a lot longer.

The Monday after I posted that post, I was called up to S1s office and told, without much fanfare that I was approved to disrupt for my studies at NTU. It's been quite a rush, signing all the relevant documents as well as agreeing to extend my service by 212 days when I come back so that I can fulfill the minimum 1 year serving as an MO, quite painful considering how much time I'm losing to NS versus my peers, but I was never going to come out on top in that aspect anyway, so I'm not complaining too much. Amidst the application for FFIs, serving my last COS (and getting pranked by Justin, REC Jameson Lee and 1SG Sundram Murugan lol, felt like dao-ing the call but I had a duty to perform), going down to the medical centre for my blood test, hasty attempts to help my section wrap up some outstanding work while also having to sort through my stash of stuff in my locker to pack my duffel bag and ready myself to leave, I've barely had time to catch my breath - not that I'd want to amidst the prevailing haze - not to mention really think about how I feel about all this.I know that most of it is nostalgia, that feeling you get when you know you'll never have anything quite like you had before, of having to move on from something that's familiar, not necessarily good and enjoyable all the time, but comfortable. I suppose I won't be able to be with my section anymore, and the feeling was quite intense, as I ran about settling my stuff last week, and when I got back there was this irrevocable distance I felt between us, they're already moving on, mentally ready to carry on without me, so where does that leave me, exactly? All set to carry on my own little tangent, that's simply the nature of meetings and partings, isn't it? I'll probably never get to touch a tank, let alone operate the L2-AVLB again, barring anything absolutely catastrophic. I'm not complaining, I hardly could, when I've been so unbelievably fortunate, but I've always been one who's been bad at moving on. (Or, I fear sometimes, altogether too good, too quick too adept at amputating that which feels dear to me, casting it aside, phantom limbs ache now and then)

It all feels so heartless, doesn't it? That life could go on much as before, we meet new people, have new experiences, move onwards smile on face with nary a glance backwards for those we've left behind. It's fair though, everyone carries on eventually, some sooner, some later, but I'd like to think that in our heart of hearts we all bear fragments of time spent together, moments locked in time we return to from time to time, and maybe that's enough to keep us going.

I've had an extended weekend clearing my remaining off and such; most of it spent at home by virtue of the haze, mostly surfing the net haha. While burning time on Youtube I decided to watch something apart from Dota2 replays, and it's hard, for me at least, because I find that the suggestions based on what you're already subscribed too and have watched recently actually seek to restrict me to such a small swathe of the content actually available. In a bid to escape this profiling, I ended up randomly typing keywords into the search bar and found myself at the Tested.com channel. So what drew me to it is this: Apart from loads of cool-ish tech related stuff, it also has interviews and such with Jamie and Adam of Mythbusters, which/who I'm a total fanboy off haha. No idea whether it's a testament to how bored I've been, but I've been watching ALOT of their videos. They're wonderful people. I actually spent 1/2 an hour watching Adam building a box. Seriously. Hmm I think I'll embed it here:

What held my fascination about this was him bringing us through the entire process, from conception to final product, and well basically observing how meticulous he is with even the smallest detail. These guys are pros in the special effects industry, years of experience, and it shows in the execution and the way he tackled it. Damn good way to spend 30 mins if your opp costs are pretty low hehe.

And for further inspiration:

A speech he gave at Maker Faire 2012. I don't know how relevant this could be to most of us, in what we want to do, but it's something I'd recommend anyway. 15.30 onwards where he speaks about his "Manifesto" is particularly inspiring. I've written before of my fascination with the concept of "Makers" put forth by Orson Scott Card in the Tales of Alvin Maker series, and he just seems like the epitome of that. And maybe we may not possess the technical know-how and skills to do things on the level he does, we may never, but each time we try to put things together in ways they haven't been before, or even if they have been done before, doing it for ourselves, or in a more figurative sense, come up with new ideas and concepts which we're fascinated with and working on and developing them, we're makers in our own right.

"The maker is the one who is part of what he makes"

I can't admit that I know where all this leads to, just wanted to get it out there. It's been a restful prolonged weekend, some good chilling with JAM for dinner and Acid Bar, I made a trip down to Bishan the other day to get my photo taken for matriculation (another pain but a crucial step forward) and borrowed some books too, a couple about Machiavelli, Kant, the case for pessimism and Dan Brown. Wonder whether I'll be able to finish them before school starts haha.

When the air turns to poison (A contemporary edition)

As someone who used to be a sci-fi aficionado, I'm pretty familiar with those cautionary portrayals of a not-so-distant future, replete with the various environmental impacts of human exploitation on the Earth, and more interestingly, the way mankind copes with them. Be it relocating from the affected areas, building cities upon spires in the sky ala The Jetsons, burrowing under the earth to seek refuge, ensconcing ourselves in great spheres, or abandoning the planet and scattering to the cosmos, Wall-e comes to mind in this case. The fertility of human imagination and the will to live form a potent combination, giving birth to such fantastical "solutions". That's what I love about sci-fi: Its exploration of the trajectory of society's progress; where it may lead and the issues it may bring.

Which very neatly brings me, after much vacillation to the current hazy situation. But rather than an apportioning of blame, or comment about the ineffectual flapping around on the political front, because really, what can we do? What's been more interesting to me have been the ways we've been dealing with the haze: From the more mundane N95 masks, to the guys donning full-face chemical defense masks, it's obvious that this has impacted us to some extent. And this isn't the first time we've been the victims of our neighbor's negative externalities, so much so that the face mask has become something of a seasonal garb for some of us, but it's unprecedented in degree and has quite rightly unsettled various individuals seated in high places. In the army (cause that's pretty much all I know), response was as swift as could be expected, urged on no doubt by the current safety climate (8th core value lol), outdoor activities were quickly curtailed before eventually being cut-off altogether - disrupting our plans to change tracks, you won't find me complaining though - and the night found us seeking refuge in the offices, pillows and blankets in hand - sorry if I'm giving a negative portrayal of the army - as PSI levels soared, having had our hopes of being allowed to head home dashed mercilessly. All this while I found myself melodramatically entertaining thoughts of what could happen were pollution levels to persist or perhaps even continue to climb further, air handling units whirling desperately as their filters get clogged up with carbon particles in the air, people beginning to drop like flies, those with past history first, as the realization sinks in that the air we used to breathe and take for-granted is simply no longer breathable. Conjuring scenarios of whether this could hint at the harbinger of a new Ice Age, caused not by the eruption of nascent super-volcanos, ash clouding the sky, but rather the spread of flames beyond what we claim to be able to control, soot released, blocking the sun. Pretty far-fetched but an interesting 'exercise' for a way too idle mind.

I make no claim to be a bleeding-heart environmentalist, but it should be pretty clear that environmental preservation or even simply limiting the extent of environmental damage simply isn't possible within a solely capitalist environment. Companies cannot be made to wholly feel the consequences of their actions, since these negative externalities can hardly be localised, and rarely, if ever, will they feel the onus to sacrifice some of their profits in the name of the environmental protection. There has to be something above the profit margins that we're all answerable to, a corporate and social accountability. Even setting that aside and looking at profits alone, one glance at the curative/coping measures sci-fi writers and/or scientists (though the two are hardly mutually exclusive) have laid out before us will inform us that these measures will not come cheaply. Would it not be remiss if not downright negligent to ignore the long-term costs of environmental damage in favour of short-term profits? "Prevention is better than cure", "A stitch in time saves nine", adages so overused that we're all sick of them, but that's the only possible course of action, if you don't wish to see us scrambling over ourselves to find the next solution; at that point long queues to get N95 masks will be the least of our concerns. If corporations can't be made to plan and act with the future in mind, besides some blatantly token gestures of appeasement, shouldn't that be where the very visible hand comes in to make them do so? It's not going to be easy, when such huge sums of money are involved, the system needs much enforcement: When the government claims no control over the activities of such corporations within their own jurisdictions, even when these activities are illegal, then you know that there's something very wrong going on.

Someone has to bite the bullet, before we're all forced to do so somewhere down the line of inaction, excuses and false promises.

An interesting question, a little food for thought though: Why protect the environment? Above I've only talked about (and not at any particular depth even at that) the benefits accrued to mankind, or conversely the discomfort we stand to experience and the costs accumulated by sustained environmental damage. Are there any further reasons? Our intrinsic and inextricable link to the natural environment around us and an innate capacity to appreciate it? The intangible joy we experience while enveloping ourselves in it? The desire to preserve it for our children? Or even out of, as the cynical may call it, a sense of nostalgia, to keep things just as they are. Even then, all these intangibles derive themselves from a very human perspective. Motivations which if not exactly selfish harbour at least a little self-interest. Is there anything else? Thinking about all this brings me back to those PW days, really. Heh perhaps I'd benefit from digging up those materials and having a look around.

Showing us things that aren't and can't be real.
Isn't that what dreams are for?

Though they sure picked an interesting way to tell me I was freezing in the freaking COS office. It's been an unforgettable last duty.

Time in Transit

It's funny now that I think about it, that for the past couple of weeks now, I've been in a slump of sorts, unable to muster any motivation while in camp and overcome by this overwhelming sian-ness. I don't have anything against NS in particular, but it also isn't an experience that I'd savor, more like something necessary but uncomfortable that I'd rather get over and done with ASAP. It actually brings to mind a picture TianYuan showed be way back in J2, something she'd composed, of a whole bunch on people in a MRT, each occupied either with a book, music, conversations etc, all directing their attention on something/anything else except the journey, as they hurtled on, thus ensconced, to their next destination. A time in transit, a journey we attempt in multifarious ways to distance ourselves from, and on we go.

Yet with the very imminent prospect of having this journey cut short, I find myself pondering over it more and more. Day to day life will never be quite the same, to say the least, never will I find myself working and living so closely (awkward phrasing? x.x) with my friends and sectionmates, days occupied with the very immediate worries, none of those nebulous thoughts about what the future may bring, only concerns about how to dodge the next arrow, and planning for the week ahead.

Is it something I'll miss? I obviously have mixed feelings about that.

I don't dislike my vocation and role; I actually enjoy operating the L2-AVLB, and have some pride in the proficiency I've developed at doing so, acquiring the knack of driving against the brakes; maintaining the delicate balance between the service brakes and accelerator pedals, learning to judge for myself, from the operator's seat the tank's alignment with the bridge, without the need for a ground guide, the familiarity with the whole launching and retrieval procedure I've gained, and the growing ease with which we deal with our package operations as well, something initially performed with trepidation. I remember, of course, the immense sense of satisfaction of a job well done which permeates the body (though that may be the fatigue speaking) after a particularly tiring servicing, not to mention after breaking, changing and re-linking our tracks. 

So I guess my point is that amidst all the sian moments which I've been experiencing in the day to day routine, and how there is little "spiritual fulfillment" to be found in life in camp, there are things to enjoy, and well, whether I get to disrupt or not, I'll try my best to appreciate, if not savor these last few days/months of this phase of life, rather than make attempts to emotionally distance myself from it.

Some recent events in camp that I'm not sure you guys would be all too interested to hear about but they're pretty noteworthy (to myself at least) nonetheless.

More of my seniors ORD-ed 2 weeks ago, and the feeling was really driven home when I booked in last week and realized that they weren't around anymore. Now, I didn't really make great efforts to engage each and every one of them, but being at the same coy line, their presence was always so ubiquitous, so unavoidable, so reassuring in a way. Having some of them drop by my bunk at night for some random chatting, their constant incursions into our platoon office during the day was always a welcome interruption to the days tedium, and even the usual di-xiaoing ever-present in any group of guys are all things - minor things, no doubt - that I will miss. The company just seems so much emptier now. It's not like partings and goodbyes are something new, as a 1 1/2 yr soldier I've got to experience more than a couple of those, but it's been a poignant experience each time. I have no idea whether we'll be keeping in touch; I somehow feel that for my generation at least, the saying that army builds bonds for a lifetime doesn't hold much water, but I'll always be thankful for our crossing of paths and the memories it wrought. Who do we hold on to, who do we let go? Pertinent questions at this stage of life when all I seem to have are an ever dwindling circle of friends, who I treasure ever more for it, but honestly who knows what the future may bring.

With the recent near-complete change in the command team; OC changed 2 months back, CSM just 2 weeks ago, things have really been looking up. I'd rather not speak (too) negatively of the old one, because I'm aware that we don't know the full picture, and that they were probably also under a lot of pressure from above, but the change in atmosphere within the company is palpable. I helps so much to have an OC who's able to hold a normal conversation with his guys and basically communicate his thoughts to a greater extent without having things being all awkward, and to have a CSM who's willing to listen to our views; he actually spent the weeks prior to taking over informally approaching all the various sections to ask how we felt about the previous regime, and to find out our various causes for dissatisfaction, and followed up on all of them very promptly. I've been impressed at the level of engagement he has shown, and with the way he addresses us as if he were one of us, taking care to explain the rationale for the things we have to do, not implementing unnecessary measures, and overall giving off the impression that he's staunchly on our side. It's commanders like these who show an appreciation and understanding of our efforts and limitations that engender a willingness to work under them, as well as a happiness in getting work done; there's been a wholesale change in the style of leadership, which till now has been very top-down in approach, and all of us appreciate it. Of course we're still in the early days yet, no idea how things will turn out in the long run, but if they keep things up the days ahead in MEC seem to be shaping up pretty well indeed.

Dreams

I dream about it still; didn't think I would but unfortunately that's the way it is. I guess on a subconscious level I want to make things right, but that ship set sail a long time ago.

Often we tell ourselves that only if we had done this or that, then perhaps things might have turned out differently when more often than not it was already decided by the small things cumulatively stacking up over time, catalyzed and sped up by key events maybe, but already set in motion. What could I have done?

This sense of helplessness has only been exacerbated by my time here, and I fear it has tainted my world view as well. So often I find myself at a loss, not, I think, out of an inability to relate, but rather crippled wondering whether I have anything meaningful to offer, whether mere words could have any of an impact. When speaking to my sectionmates I talk not of getting it done well for the sake of it, not of the "higher" purpose, not of leaving our vehicles in the best possible condition, but rather of getting it over and done with, saying it's only a few more months till our juniors come in, we zao to Wallaby then ORD. Such sentiment is so pervasive, it's the norm, and it becomes very hard to think positively, to find any sort of motivation at all. Do note though that while I may be saying all these here (and I'm sure this holds true for others as well) that I still do commit effort to my tasks, I just hit this wall at times where I find any attempts of meaningful communication futile and it takes a step backwards towards getting things done, I've learnt to speak the lingo, and I guess unavoidably been infected as well.

But such a mindset cannot last, the above was not self-justification or defense, it's something I know needs working on; I'd be absolutely terrified if I let it linger in myself after leaving this place. You can't persist with the "get it over and done with" indefinitely; when does it stop? The time as well as the responsibility is mine and I hate going on with this emptiness inside of me, the void left when the fire inside has consumed everything and burned itself out.

I need to sustain my spirit, as we all do, somehow.

When the passion's gone and all that's left is routine and counting the days as they crawl by, what then? I wish I had an answer, but unfortunately I'm as much of a stranger/victim as you, feels much like poking around in the dark, it's all really quite meaningless at the moment. Where were we at the start of all this? Not exactly brimming with energy but eager, at least, to fulfill the potential and expectations, to serve and pay our dues. I find it both telling and immensely sad that the organization contrives so well to sap those very men - us - who it relies upon to keep "moving" (I could be a lot more sarcastic here but I'll refrain) forwards of their drive and motivation by lumping them with a whole steaming pile of nothing? We want to feel rewarded, or at the very least appreciated for our efforts, above and beyond the job description, instead of having all this crap shoved indifferently down our throats. Routine, threats of revoking so-called privileges etc, it's not that I don't get where you're coming from and it's evident that there's a serious divergence in terms of expectations on both sides, but when one party is simply shafted into compliance you obviously can't expect optimal results now can you?

And when we have to stand and fight for what is "right" amongst the ranks of the disillusioned, unmotivated and downright lazy, it helps a lot if you can just give us some kind of reason to carry on, rather than finding ourselves attempting - futilely I feel inclined to add - to justify and marshal them to carry on, while the temptation to join them; in a system which taxes the try-hards & go-getters while rewarding the "smart" ones who geng all the way, grows stronger day by day. It's all become quite meaningless to me, and I know that there's a mixed morality at play here when I find myself unable to explain exactly what it is that is wrong with the self-righteous geng-sters, why afterall, go for bothersome parades when a status is so readily available with a quick trip down to the MO? Why not pluck some wisdom teeth, get medical appointments (MAs) whenever convenient and just disappear for the rest of the day? Why not, even, go for a circumcision and get half a month of Att C? Why indeed.

I find myself speechless; there's really no rational argument against it. I read this book "Why be good", something along those lines way back in RJ, it's certainly beneficial to adhere to the system but even more so to cheat it whilst giving all appearance of compliance, and that's something which ultimately it wasn't able to satisfactorily address.

How now? I'm still pretty sure about what I believe in, but find myself in the odd position of being unable to justify it to and bring others around to it. It's a troubling position to adopt, especially when it's impossible, not to mention incredibly tiring to work alone, and I'm also not noble enough to do so, so I find myself being sucked into this overwhelming vortex of temptation and hating myself for it every step of the way.

I have ideas! Things I want to implement! Things which I think will really help in terms of longevity and so on. But support is so difficult to garner, especially in this messed up shithole, and something else always crops up..and they sink into the morass once more.

A way, perhaps, to subdue the enthusiasm, preserve it and keep it from dying out. Save it for something outside which is really worth fighting for, maybe that's it.

Meanwhile, the days pass, and that's about it.

COS I can

Seems like another (hopefully) quiet day of contemplation in the office. One which I've admittedly spent much of dozing off ><

The past couple of weeks in camp have been pretty lax off the back of the LAB, which was underwhelming to say the least. No complaints from me though, it has however been an eye-opening experience in the art of cover-ups: Backdating documents, "loaning" something which had been lost out to another department to avoid the check etc. All things which I still find myself not entirely comfortable with, but which still seems like an essential skillset in the working world :/

Monday's ORD function was a joyous affair, I really hadn't realized how attached I'd gotten to some of the outgoing seniors over these few months. Hope they all fare well outside, it's enlightening in a sense because you realize just how much the realities and prospects of poly students differ from those who graduated from JC. Practically only those with insane GPAs stand a good chance of getting into a local unis, some of them have to consider part-time studying while securing a job, and others have to seek a place overseas. While being ecstatic about finally ORD-ing (who wouldn't be?), most of them appear more than a little lost as well, I guess it's just another illustration of how these 2 years under the routine dictated by the SAF really affects us, that the impending prospect of freedom could leave them so baffled.

The event itself was fun, starting off with prawning at Punggol, pretty exciting till you succumb to boredom after long periods with nary a nibble, and then one comes and you tell yourself to be patient, ensure it's well and truly hooked before flicking it out of the water, taking care to grasp it such that the obscenely disproportionate claws (don't see those in the market..) don't get to pinch you while you carefully dislodge the hook and release it into this submerged netting to keep it fresh. And then waiting all over again. A novel experience for me, and it was hilarious to see people flicking the rod too hard such that the prawn literally flew out of the water to land, with much commotion amongst the other fishers, and to see Saw exclaim when he got kiap-ed by one. Horribly expensive though, I checked. Roughly $30 for 3 hours per rod, it cost my whole company $1200 and our catch totaled 12kg. $100 per kg lol..

After that was soccer followed by a chalet cum barbecue, typical army stuff, too much food, loads of alcohol, I got to try some new mixes hehehe and realized I absolutely suck at drinking games, much to my detriment.

I found out last Thursday, much to my disbelief, that I got into NTU via the waiting list. A huge shock for me, cause I had totally given up on it (see one of my previous posts) and was mentally focussed on my application to Australia, dealing with email correspondence - which I always find a chore - with the agent and compiling information on all the relevant deadlines and such. A very welcome surprise though, and my disbelief must have showed when I picked up the phonecall, roused from a rare mid-morning nap in bunk (slack week ma) to listen to some guy claiming to be from LKCSoM and informing me that I'd been offered a place:
"You sure? Because I got an email saying that I was on the priority waiting list...."
"And I'm calling to tell you you've been offered a place"
"So you mean I got in through the waiting list? .....sorry I'm very happy right now.."
"Congratulations, we've sent you the letter of offer, and by the way will you be accepting the offer?"
"Of course!"
"Okay remember to confirm it on the JAP"
"Thanks"
*call ends*

Quite embarrassing now that I think about it, and the guy didn't seem horribly impressed but being in a state of shock I didn't really care. I don't think my brain has mentally readjusted itself yet, I'm going to be staying in Singapore! And if I'm allowed to disrupt, I'll start school this year FFS, how the heck am I going to manage. Alot to think about and prepare myself for, but I'm simply overwhelmed by how immensely fortunate I am, and happy that I didn't write myself off as always ending up with the short end of the stick. This opportunity really does sound promising and exciting to be part of the pioneer batch, or one of the pioneer batches at the very least. The future suddenly seems very clear and "real", no longer sourcing around for schools, filling up application form after application form, taking admissions tests etc but rather going on to the actual thing! I honestly have no idea how I'll fare as a student as I am now, it's quite scary after the long layoff but it's also something that we'll all have to face x.x

This getting in via the waiting list business is a huge thing for me, not because I have any stigma about it, but rather because it illustrates very clearly how little control I actually had over the entire episode. I performed well enough to be placed relatively high on the list I guess, but other than that, it was all predicated on other people's - people who I don't and may never know - decisions and actions; those who chose NUS over NTU for instance, or even the interviewees of those people, to stretch things a little further. So many things, large and small which I had zero control over, and yet which will undoubtedly profoundly affect the course of my life, or the next 5 years at least. Don't you find that at least a little scary? That where we end up down the road may in no small measure be down to so many arbitrary factors, which we may have little to no say in deciding? Sometimes it seems that what free will we have may simply be to justify internally where we wind up. But that's obviously too extreme a view. Our inner drive and motivation sets a direction, and though we may not be able to dictate where we end up, we still choose how we respond and go on from there, that's some solace at least.

So thank you, Fates, for allowing me this chance and to retain a distinctly local flavor in my portion, however meager of this grand tapestry.

Enough wondering and wandering for now, I don't want to sound like too much of a prick, so here it ends. I've got a good Sci-Fi anthology that has suffered much neglect afterall.

Trance

Trance, not much food for thought but thoroughly and literally mind fucking, and there were much *ucks to give, and many a "wow that escalated quickly" moment. Really quite fascinating how they're basically going over the same few scenes again and again, with each iteration shedding new light on some previously unremarkable detail, something I really appreciated as all the loose threads came together. Worth a rewatch perhaps, and not only because of certain scenes. I would have liked to see though, a moment at least where that hypnotist wasn't so freaking sure of herself, her composure only really shattered in that last anti-climatic climax, and even then everything worked out the way she wanted it to; where's the fun in that?

Would you rather hurt, or forget that it all ever happened? A pretty pertinent question methinks, a very hypothetical one obviously, given that it's highly likely that we'll be given the choice, but still something worth considering. The film, somewhat ironically, depicted the hypnotherapist as having emotional baggage from a previous violent relationship, thereby reacting in a decidedly over-the-top manner to the abuse: determined to be a victim no longer, she (spoiler) hypnotized her ex to forget about her and (further spoiler) to steal a painting for her to make it up to her (/spoiler) which kicked off the whole thing in the first place, rather than using her considerable abilities to you know, get over his obsession instead.

So on one hand if she had forgotten about it the whole thing wouldn't have happened, but on the other she made the guy forget, but it all came back; whether intentionally on her part or not I shall leave up to debate, so I suppose we could see this as the director having it both ways.

Personally I'd rather bear hurtful memories than to forget them, or to never have experienced them. I'm not a highly religious person, so I won't say that everything happens for a reason, that's something I find hard to accept, but what I do believe is that no matter what we experience, it does change us, sometimes irrevokably. To reject them is to reject who we are. So yes, perhaps there've been multiple disappointments, and much grounds for regret, yet upon thinking things through, I have to say that I don't regret them, or at least not enough to let these regrets become a defining part of my life. Rather than agonizing over could-have-beens and what ifs, I am who I am because of what I've been through, and the only way forwards is as myself, not what I wished I could be, and that's the way it is.

It was an enjoyable Saturday out, especially after spending 3 hours on that ISAT paper, 100 questions of tediousness -.- (thankfully I did well enough, I think!) Though we didn't go for the trial lesson in the end, as we were running late and thus decided, practically outside the centre, that it wasn't worth paying the full amount for the remaining time, it was fun nonetheless, after the unavoidable period of sitting around wondering what to do next. MEDz was good, maybe even better than Marché and it was hilarious discussing (but mostly listening to Mos and Angie debate about) the phylogenetics of cliques in our class, and the recounting, to various degrees of success so many past incidents xP Shots with some cocktails at Acid Bar (Jack's treat, to be reciprocated at some later date, I swear!) rounded off the evening on a high note, quite literally in the case of someone who can't tahan alcohol lololol, and I had to cab home having missed the last bus by 10 mins, quite unfortunately :/

For reasons completely (at least I'd like to think) unrelated to prestige I'm glad and proud to have been from Raffles. For the education and breadth of thought which it opened to me, for inculcating in me a consciousness and awareness of myself and my responsibilities as part of something bigger, for teaching me, even as I blundered my way through the years, to never shy away from the difficult questions, and to take pride in my work, something which I'm beginning to realize is very important and sometimes a rarity indeed, for "telling" me that I'm special, not because of what I am, but because everyone is worth listening to, and lastly, for the people I've met, and perhaps that last one is what I'm most grateful for. And I don't see anything wrong with such a pride, and it's a sad thing when people start to turn that against you, label that pride as arrogance, and put you and what you do down just because of where you came from. The walls of reality close in, shackles seeking to tie you down, and it's an ever-exhausting experience to fight against a world that seeks to shame you with your own brilliance (urgh, arrogant phrasing much?) and drag you down. I know people who appear to do it effortlessly, and it's very admirable, but for me at least, it's a daily challenge.

I had no idea where this was going when I first started, but I guess I do now. Basically prestige may or may not factor into the decisions we make, and that's perfectly okay. I've been thinking for awhile now about doing the right things for the wrong reasons, doing the wrong things for the right reasons and every other possible permutation in between, with "right" and "wrong" being entirely subjective. Though I'm not sure exactly where I stand on this to me, at the end of the day the motivations and reasons aren't so important anymore (besides giving you the strength to carry on of course), more important is what you're able to imbibe and take away from the whole thing; is it gonna be a meaningful experience or are you just going to say "I'm glad that's finally over", and what you go on to from there. As humans there's an irresistible tendency to pass moral judgement on the people around us, I'm a frequent victim to this too, simply can't help myself. It can be entertaining, obviously, but in the end does it even matter?

As an introspective person (not necessarily an introverted one) I've always looked inwards for an answer whenever I face a problem, perhaps out of a kind of arrogance that doesn't believe or doesn't accept that anyone or anything outside has anything substantial to offer, or maybe out of a recognition of the limitations that someone else on the outside looking in may face. So instead inwards I look, and if the answer really does lie within, then that's good, yet I'm ever realizing that there are some things I'm not equipped to deal with, and that sometimes I deal with them in a manner that's harmful to myself. Sometimes I'm so intent on working out a solution myself that I totally fail to consider what other options and "tools" I may have at my disposal, it's a very myopic way of dealing with things, and a mindset I really have to reorientate.

It's been a strangely trying week, furnished with anticipation to finally be met with disappointment. If I were to use a rather frivolous analogy; which I shall: It's like how upon reading Harry Potter in P1, I'd hold on to the vague-yet-fairly-foolish-hope that on my 10th birthday a half-giant would pop up on a flying motorbike and tell me "You're a wizard, Chris!" or failing that at least of getting a letter from a sentient owl of my acceptance to Hogwarts, only to wake up on the 9th of September, 10 years and a day old to realize that nothing's changed at all. Okay, strike out the fairly, this was totally out there, but I suppose I got the point across in a convoluted way.

So yes, after hearing from a friend that he'd gotten a callup on Thursday, I literally had palpitations for the next few days, conjuring up ludicrous scenarios in which they may have delayed in confirming my acceptance (The first stage of grief is denial afterall) while anxious waiting for a call, getting a near heart attack at a single SMS (thank you friends for leaving me alone, probably saved my life xP) and so it went. I was fairly sure of the outcome by Saturday, got the confirmation that I've been waitlisted today morning, hugely disappointed especially given the amount of preparation I put into it, and my dad's effort too, and I honestly thought I did well in the interview. I've been telling myself though that there's no way of knowing how well others did, and it's not like they owe me a place because I'm oh-so-perfect, army has sadly dispelled all such notions so I guess I moved on to acceptance fairly quickly, though I can't deny the faint shimmering of hope at the slightest possibility, oh naive heart of mine. A childish part of myself is indignant, questioning why it's always so tough for me, why I keep on having to deal with rejection, but I shush it before I let it embarrass myself, I know other people have it worse, and maybe I should just see it as a further test of my resolve and determination, though why I have to be tested so I may not understand. With the shooting exco episode, nus and now this, it's all too easy to draw a semi-compelling narrative, or to draw upon so many other isolated incidents even, to say that I have a predisposition to phail but at least on this occasion I refuse to do so, so press on I shall. Be humble, accept my limitations, learn and move on, that's all I can do really. Prolonged self-pity is pretty pathetic, at least for myself. Kinda reminds me of the flavor text on Rothus the Traveler, my first holographic card in Duel Masters, go google it if you're interested; it's a little melodramatic but seems to have stuck with me unfortunately.

On the positive side, I feel, at least that I emerged from last year's failure as a much more mature person and candidate, a lot more sure of myself and what I want to do, which is why I found my rejection this time particularly disappointing but I'm confident that I can only grow hereon, and for that I'm thankful. My past failures have been pretty barren mothers so far, but I guess it's important to keep things in perspective and that it's not so much the success subsequent to failure but rather the lessons you learn from it that are really important.

Some part of me is miffed that I don't have anyone much to rant to but I guess it's a blessing in disguise to give myself the time and space to mull it over and cool down in a sense, so that's that. I've been pretty negligent in catching up with people as a result, so I do beg forgiveness and a chance.

C'est tout.

Well I've been pretty occupied the past week or so, not to mention Blogger has been deleting some of the drafts I type out in camp so that's the reason for the paucity of posts >< and somehow I guess my writing and expressive ability has been somewhat impaired over the course of the past year. Anyhow, here we go.

My prime occupation had been in preparation for yesterday's interview at NTU, the buildup to it was a little pressurizing for me, and I have to admit my patience did wear thin a couple of times at the perceived over-interference of my parents, hiring an interview coach/personal motivator, getting my uncle involved, and also my dad closing his clinic both on Friday afternoon and night to pick me up from camp and grill me, as well as on Saturday morning to send me for the interview. And yet after those transient moments steaming in the car, and feeling a little pissed off, what I do feel most strongly is the care and concern that they've showered me with, and it's something I don't want to take for-granted. Care, to me, is simply doing something for another person that you don't strictly have to do, even to the point of inconveniencing yourself at times, and that's precisely what they have done. So yes, I'm a little shocked by how on my dad was about the whole thing, even moreso than myself I daresay, making the effort to end work early during the weekdays to call me at night and speak about certain questions and issues, and sending loads of stuff to me on whatsapp, things he'd researched about till 4am, and lots more, and sometimes I find it a bother, but what I realized is that when people show you such care, the least you could do is accept it with an open heart, no matter what form it comes in, because yes, we all express our care for others in different ways. Another instance, my uncle, an awesome cardiologist who regales us with stories of the various different countries he travels to - sponsored of course - to attend conferences, having spent the whole day chairing a meeting, still volunteered to pick me up to go over to his house and address any questions I may have, though we eventually ended up simply eating this heavenly-tasting chilli crab which he'd brought back from the conference. So you know, sometimes I get really frustrated with my family, we often have trouble communicating well with each other and that sometimes leads to misunderstandings and arguments but from the bottom of my heart I'm thankful that they've allowed me to grow up not knowing what it's like to be loved, and to have a desire to care for others as well.

I find it strange, too, that despite how I torment myself wondering about the purpose and meaning of words, that my thoughts and intentions could be so crystallized, directed and focused, through simply vocalizing them. Over the past week I've spoken extensively and quite freely about my motivations and desire to be a doctor, and call it brainwashing if you will, doing so has somehow tied all the loose strands together, I'm no longer confused about what I want to do, and it somehow seems a logical result of the narrative up till now. I really think I performed a lot better for the interviews this time around, hopefully things turn out well xP

Onto another topic, my bunkmate who been attached for 4 years started talking about how he can't stop thinking about another girl and how he feels that this may show he doesn't love his girlfriend that much, or that he's together with her because of the history behind their relationship and all that she's done for him and not because he loves her, or that there may be someone who comes along who he may potentially love even more. Rather than talk about whether this is right, or whether he's being an asshole or whatever, I'd rather segue right on into relationships in general. I've often pondered about what it is that keeps people together, either romantically, or maybe even as friends. Like for example if someone asks you just what is it that you like about your friend, you may say that they're caring, generous, fun to be with etcetc, but what you must notice is that there are certainly people out there who are more so, than them, so assuming that we can only maintain close relationships with some few or at least a limited number of people, are we then compromising/settling? If you say that ok, that may be so, but what keeps us together is rather the experiences we've shared, the times that we had, our shared history basically, what then happens when we're pulled apart by circumstances not within either of our control? It's pretty likely that you'd meet someone, eventually, with similar attributes, and whom you get to spend more time with, and eventually become closer to. Do we then "move on" so to speak? It's quite a depressing subject to think about, all things considered. Or maybe relationships are sustained in such cases when both parties put effort into doing so, however this means that should one side suddenly decide to disengage, having found someone else, then the entire thing falls apart. I don't like the idea that people are substitutable, but something about humans is this innate drive to carry on with life, though loss we may experience, and after awhile the wounds heal over, scars fade, and we move on, though what we find may not be an exact fit, we carry on.

So what does this mean? I have no idea, actually, but what I do know is that I'll treasure those relationships and friends that I have, knowing that they could fade away in the future, but rather than cause for despair, I suppose this is an even more compelling reason to treasure them while I still can. And should they one day vanish, I'd rather not grieve over them, but hold those memories even closer to heart.