When the passion's gone and all that's left is routine and counting the days as they crawl by, what then? I wish I had an answer, but unfortunately I'm as much of a stranger/victim as you, feels much like poking around in the dark, it's all really quite meaningless at the moment. Where were we at the start of all this? Not exactly brimming with energy but eager, at least, to fulfill the potential and expectations, to serve and pay our dues. I find it both telling and immensely sad that the organization contrives so well to sap those very men - us - who it relies upon to keep "moving" (I could be a lot more sarcastic here but I'll refrain) forwards of their drive and motivation by lumping them with a whole steaming pile of nothing? We want to feel rewarded, or at the very least appreciated for our efforts, above and beyond the job description, instead of having all this crap shoved indifferently down our throats. Routine, threats of revoking so-called privileges etc, it's not that I don't get where you're coming from and it's evident that there's a serious divergence in terms of expectations on both sides, but when one party is simply shafted into compliance you obviously can't expect optimal results now can you?

And when we have to stand and fight for what is "right" amongst the ranks of the disillusioned, unmotivated and downright lazy, it helps a lot if you can just give us some kind of reason to carry on, rather than finding ourselves attempting - futilely I feel inclined to add - to justify and marshal them to carry on, while the temptation to join them; in a system which taxes the try-hards & go-getters while rewarding the "smart" ones who geng all the way, grows stronger day by day. It's all become quite meaningless to me, and I know that there's a mixed morality at play here when I find myself unable to explain exactly what it is that is wrong with the self-righteous geng-sters, why afterall, go for bothersome parades when a status is so readily available with a quick trip down to the MO? Why not pluck some wisdom teeth, get medical appointments (MAs) whenever convenient and just disappear for the rest of the day? Why not, even, go for a circumcision and get half a month of Att C? Why indeed.

I find myself speechless; there's really no rational argument against it. I read this book "Why be good", something along those lines way back in RJ, it's certainly beneficial to adhere to the system but even more so to cheat it whilst giving all appearance of compliance, and that's something which ultimately it wasn't able to satisfactorily address.

How now? I'm still pretty sure about what I believe in, but find myself in the odd position of being unable to justify it to and bring others around to it. It's a troubling position to adopt, especially when it's impossible, not to mention incredibly tiring to work alone, and I'm also not noble enough to do so, so I find myself being sucked into this overwhelming vortex of temptation and hating myself for it every step of the way.

I have ideas! Things I want to implement! Things which I think will really help in terms of longevity and so on. But support is so difficult to garner, especially in this messed up shithole, and something else always crops up..and they sink into the morass once more.

A way, perhaps, to subdue the enthusiasm, preserve it and keep it from dying out. Save it for something outside which is really worth fighting for, maybe that's it.

Meanwhile, the days pass, and that's about it.