Time in Transit

It's funny now that I think about it, that for the past couple of weeks now, I've been in a slump of sorts, unable to muster any motivation while in camp and overcome by this overwhelming sian-ness. I don't have anything against NS in particular, but it also isn't an experience that I'd savor, more like something necessary but uncomfortable that I'd rather get over and done with ASAP. It actually brings to mind a picture TianYuan showed be way back in J2, something she'd composed, of a whole bunch on people in a MRT, each occupied either with a book, music, conversations etc, all directing their attention on something/anything else except the journey, as they hurtled on, thus ensconced, to their next destination. A time in transit, a journey we attempt in multifarious ways to distance ourselves from, and on we go.

Yet with the very imminent prospect of having this journey cut short, I find myself pondering over it more and more. Day to day life will never be quite the same, to say the least, never will I find myself working and living so closely (awkward phrasing? x.x) with my friends and sectionmates, days occupied with the very immediate worries, none of those nebulous thoughts about what the future may bring, only concerns about how to dodge the next arrow, and planning for the week ahead.

Is it something I'll miss? I obviously have mixed feelings about that.

I don't dislike my vocation and role; I actually enjoy operating the L2-AVLB, and have some pride in the proficiency I've developed at doing so, acquiring the knack of driving against the brakes; maintaining the delicate balance between the service brakes and accelerator pedals, learning to judge for myself, from the operator's seat the tank's alignment with the bridge, without the need for a ground guide, the familiarity with the whole launching and retrieval procedure I've gained, and the growing ease with which we deal with our package operations as well, something initially performed with trepidation. I remember, of course, the immense sense of satisfaction of a job well done which permeates the body (though that may be the fatigue speaking) after a particularly tiring servicing, not to mention after breaking, changing and re-linking our tracks. 

So I guess my point is that amidst all the sian moments which I've been experiencing in the day to day routine, and how there is little "spiritual fulfillment" to be found in life in camp, there are things to enjoy, and well, whether I get to disrupt or not, I'll try my best to appreciate, if not savor these last few days/months of this phase of life, rather than make attempts to emotionally distance myself from it.

Some recent events in camp that I'm not sure you guys would be all too interested to hear about but they're pretty noteworthy (to myself at least) nonetheless.

More of my seniors ORD-ed 2 weeks ago, and the feeling was really driven home when I booked in last week and realized that they weren't around anymore. Now, I didn't really make great efforts to engage each and every one of them, but being at the same coy line, their presence was always so ubiquitous, so unavoidable, so reassuring in a way. Having some of them drop by my bunk at night for some random chatting, their constant incursions into our platoon office during the day was always a welcome interruption to the days tedium, and even the usual di-xiaoing ever-present in any group of guys are all things - minor things, no doubt - that I will miss. The company just seems so much emptier now. It's not like partings and goodbyes are something new, as a 1 1/2 yr soldier I've got to experience more than a couple of those, but it's been a poignant experience each time. I have no idea whether we'll be keeping in touch; I somehow feel that for my generation at least, the saying that army builds bonds for a lifetime doesn't hold much water, but I'll always be thankful for our crossing of paths and the memories it wrought. Who do we hold on to, who do we let go? Pertinent questions at this stage of life when all I seem to have are an ever dwindling circle of friends, who I treasure ever more for it, but honestly who knows what the future may bring.

With the recent near-complete change in the command team; OC changed 2 months back, CSM just 2 weeks ago, things have really been looking up. I'd rather not speak (too) negatively of the old one, because I'm aware that we don't know the full picture, and that they were probably also under a lot of pressure from above, but the change in atmosphere within the company is palpable. I helps so much to have an OC who's able to hold a normal conversation with his guys and basically communicate his thoughts to a greater extent without having things being all awkward, and to have a CSM who's willing to listen to our views; he actually spent the weeks prior to taking over informally approaching all the various sections to ask how we felt about the previous regime, and to find out our various causes for dissatisfaction, and followed up on all of them very promptly. I've been impressed at the level of engagement he has shown, and with the way he addresses us as if he were one of us, taking care to explain the rationale for the things we have to do, not implementing unnecessary measures, and overall giving off the impression that he's staunchly on our side. It's commanders like these who show an appreciation and understanding of our efforts and limitations that engender a willingness to work under them, as well as a happiness in getting work done; there's been a wholesale change in the style of leadership, which till now has been very top-down in approach, and all of us appreciate it. Of course we're still in the early days yet, no idea how things will turn out in the long run, but if they keep things up the days ahead in MEC seem to be shaping up pretty well indeed.