Dreams

I dream about it still; didn't think I would but unfortunately that's the way it is. I guess on a subconscious level I want to make things right, but that ship set sail a long time ago.

Often we tell ourselves that only if we had done this or that, then perhaps things might have turned out differently when more often than not it was already decided by the small things cumulatively stacking up over time, catalyzed and sped up by key events maybe, but already set in motion. What could I have done?

This sense of helplessness has only been exacerbated by my time here, and I fear it has tainted my world view as well. So often I find myself at a loss, not, I think, out of an inability to relate, but rather crippled wondering whether I have anything meaningful to offer, whether mere words could have any of an impact. When speaking to my sectionmates I talk not of getting it done well for the sake of it, not of the "higher" purpose, not of leaving our vehicles in the best possible condition, but rather of getting it over and done with, saying it's only a few more months till our juniors come in, we zao to Wallaby then ORD. Such sentiment is so pervasive, it's the norm, and it becomes very hard to think positively, to find any sort of motivation at all. Do note though that while I may be saying all these here (and I'm sure this holds true for others as well) that I still do commit effort to my tasks, I just hit this wall at times where I find any attempts of meaningful communication futile and it takes a step backwards towards getting things done, I've learnt to speak the lingo, and I guess unavoidably been infected as well.

But such a mindset cannot last, the above was not self-justification or defense, it's something I know needs working on; I'd be absolutely terrified if I let it linger in myself after leaving this place. You can't persist with the "get it over and done with" indefinitely; when does it stop? The time as well as the responsibility is mine and I hate going on with this emptiness inside of me, the void left when the fire inside has consumed everything and burned itself out.

I need to sustain my spirit, as we all do, somehow.