On Hiatus, for now

Well, it's over, for now, that is. It's strange how much clutter the past 17 months have left me, clutter in my room, head and heart.

That last day Friday in Gedong had sadness, nostalgia and no small measure of joy I'll admit all rolled up into one. I had delayed on signing my clearance forms, perhaps borne of an unvocalized and irrational desire to prolong my stay, and once I wanted to get it signed, I realized to my dismay that Captain Paul (my OC) had taken overseas leave for the rest of the week and I had to find someone else to sign it, a little more troublesome than it needed to be. After that I needed to pass the forms on to Persnode and to surrender my camp pass as well, however after making the trip down I found (and at this point I was more bemused than anything else) a sign pasted on the door "We will be closed on 280613 and will be open for half a day on 010713" so having posted the previous night that I had probably spent my last night in Gedong and would miss the place, the irony that perhaps I'd been granted my wish afterall wasn't lost on me. Eventually though, I was able to drop it off with my S1 for safekeeping and a promise that they'd pass it on to Persnode for me; much to my relief. The rest of the morning was pretty much spent packing the last of my things, making decisions on what to leave behind, what not to, farewells bade, signing out on the book in/out book for the last time (Reason: Disruption how understated) followed by one last trip down to the E-mart with Kenneth, Nelson and Lt. Gerald to spend the last of my credits (boots for everyone!), "luggage" in tow, and out, out the guardhouse, "Once Armour Always Armour" same for armoured engineers?, and off to CMPB, an exchange, green for pink, immeasurable elation, a civilian once more.

I'm glad then, that after rushing through my dental and medical FFIs on Wednesday (a farce, if I may say so) that I had the opportunity to sweat it out with the rest of the section in reassembling one side of the Wallaby tank's track, breaking the other side and stripping the track pads from it. Sweaty but honest work, and if felt good to work on arguably our toughest task as AE with the rest for the last time, along with the satisfaction of a job well done. I couldn't help but have some lingering feelings, guilt at being unable to help the guys with the rest of Wallaby prep, so many things unsettled and undone, missing the retarded and fun times together, yet I know that these are soon to evaporate, as such sentiment is wont to do, with the passage of time. Does the time that we had together have any less meaning because of that? I think not.

As a whole, and in a bid to put a fullstop to this stage of my NS journey, it's certainly been an eye-opening experience, one that I find myself able to look upon (selectively, of course) with no small amount of fondness.The pretty quintessential army experience in BMT and SCS, along with the totally unexpected opportunity to be an Armored Engineer and drive a freaking tank are all going to reside in my memory. It's fairly obvious, at least to myself, that I've changed, to some extent or the other, throughout my time in NS. I've met people who I've truly disliked (quite a first, trust me) and as I progressed through, I think I've become, on some level, more impatient and quick to judge, sometimes quick to frustration (though hopefully not to frustrate). I have though, at least I'd like to think, become a little better at communicating, more open, and really, quite a bit better at standing up for myself. Amidst all this change, I've also come to realize that there are aspects of myself which for better or worse, aren't going to change as easily. Army has made me aware of my limitations. It's not an easy thing to accept, knowing that no matter how much I try, though there are aspects of my personality which sway perceptions of me in ways I don't entirely enjoy, that there's sometimes not much that I can do about it. I can't help but wonder if that's a role which I've sunk myself into too deeply to find my way out of at this point of time. And do we, as we go on and meet new people in life, seek to assign and consign them to familiar roles, in a subconscious bid to simplify daily interactions? It kinda makes sense, if you take it that our Monkey Spheres only have room for so many people, so taking it as if we were interacting with the same basic kinds of people, over and over again, might make things easier, no? Or perhaps as we enter foreign environments, we seek comfort in familiarity, make attempts to recreate what we already had, slide easily into roles we're used to adopting, substitution at work. Pretty interesting line of thought for personal pondering, maybe.

I've deviated somewhat from my original aim, I guess that's for the best, I've been left with a wealth of memories, loads of nostalgia and if I were to unload it all here I'd probably never be finished. Let's leave it as such, for now, though I still feel somewhat unsatisfied. Maybe I'll come back sometime in the future (not)

It's time to move on, on and on. And while the magic may not always flow, I'd like that we move on together, for a little more at least, though hopefully a lot longer.