"Obsession is a young man's game."
- Cutter, The Prestige

Good thing I'm (relatively) young then. Though there've been some moments this year where I've found myself thinking: I've got no time to continue with this, despite how important it is to me.

...which reminds me that it's about time for a year-end reflections kinda thing; what with it being the last day of the calendar year and all. But I don't find myself in a particularly reflective mood atm (though I do keep a mirror handy on my desk) so I'll put it off for now. Besides, I'm caught up in The Prestige, which is fantastic, incidentally, I'm able to appreciate so much more watching it once more.

The Pledge, The Turn, The Prestige.

QWOP

0 effort photoshop. Go check out the game here. I've only been able to make it to the 59 metre mark, sadly >.<

Lestrade: In another life, Mr Holmes, you would have made an excellent criminal
Holmes: Yes, and you an excellent policeman.

Sherlock Holmes (I) was badass and awesome. I can only wish I were as fast (intelligent); and I loved the accent and repartee as well! Quite a good family bonding experience as well; the three of us huddled in front of my brother's laptop; out of necessity, of course, ASUS screens have a notoriously small ideal viewing angle.

Now you know that my nightbirdness runs in the family ;)

Day 5+: Discovered a few new techniques which I've been playing around with; made some changes to the previous ones, and almost finished another as well! Still got loads of tweaking and adding of details to be done though haha. And I've still gotta go back and redo some parts so that the "style" is consistent.

Edit: Feel so much like a third wheel sometimes hahaha  ><

Weaponized sincerity must be one of the strongest forces known to Man haha. Though it does tend to lose effectiveness when used repeatedly; much like a certain someone's puns XD

Yesterday's outing to the board games cafe followed by Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was (I shan't say surprisingly xP) extremely fun! The movie's really good btw; I really do enjoy and appreciate an overly-convoluted plot interspersed between the obligatory explosions, gun fire, and fist fights. Throw in a dash of Indian billionaire with certain - shall I say - strange interests just for kicks and you're all set to go. No misrepresentation or any of that bullshit by the trailer; you know exactly what you're in for when you step in haha. T'was super shiok to just see things blown up one after another (Y)

We capitalized on this 6 bucks for 4 hours + free flow drinks at the cafe, though I couldn't shake the bloated feeling after the fourth cup >< Learnt to play some interesting board games too! Scotland Yard was pretty cool, and it was fun playing as Mr X, which I inadvertedly volunteered for after reaching for the seemingly cool-looking cap. Balderdash was absolute bullshit (in an awesome way!) and Dixit was fun as well, though after a quick Google search, I realize our points system was a little off (Jack!) : If nobody or everybody finds the correct picture, the storyteller scores 0, and each of the other players scores 2. Otherwise the storyteller and whoever found the correct answer scores 3. Players score 1 point for every vote gotten by their own picture.

Crashed after a shower at home, which is why I find myself awake once more :/

Misplaced Morality

Strange how I don't feel the slightest tinge of regret while helping myself to a plateful of escargot; yet feel so overly remorseful for having accidentally crushed a snail underfoot. And I don't think it was simply hearing the sickeningly wrong cracking sound either.

Guess I'm someone who doesn't like to get his hands dirty (not merely in the literal sense of the word) while enjoying the result of someone else doing just that. Disgusting.

Is condoning something or - even worse - gaining in the process any different from partaking in it yourself? Besides being able to adopt a supposed moral highground of course. I have some things to reevaluate I guess; though I wouldn't go so far to say that that's prompted by this single event.

And maybe, just maybe, I simply regret needlessly taking an innocent life :/

Day 4: I've downsized my target to a more reasonable one; and progress has been pretty good! Trying some shading now, effect's not too bad.

Great outing yesterday; shall just make a note here to go see Angie's blog if I want to recap it haha.

I made the proper decision regarding a kinda awkward situation (for me, at least) earlier without taking the easy way out I'd created for myself, so I'm semi-proud of myself for that.

Shall go to sleep now and (hopefully) wake up early enough that I'm not late for today's appointment. I really don't like to keep people waiting; and I even missed out on a round of bowling thanks to that yesterday as well!

Must have offended some elder god resting beneath the waves; cause its been a run of awfully bad luck. The start was almost painful to watch; would have settled for a draw, but it really stepped up imo; and deserving of a win with the second half. Don't quite feel compelled to rage; but it's a little sickening how things settle into the same old pattern no matter how hard they try to change it.

Had a decent Christmas out with the family while feeling absolutely horrible throughout; thanks to this nose of mine which has caused me untold problems over the years haha.

Was basically drifting in and out of wakefulness; knocked out in the car and at that lighting shop with the amazing lights and the night culminated in dinner which we had seated at the back alley of a Chinese restaurant in Geylang. (The food wasn't bad at all, btw; so guess I shouldn't have laughed so readily at YYJ's repeated offers to bring us there for food XD)

Took some meds after coming back before falling asleep; only to find myself kinda wide awake right now. Guess my enforced nocturnalism (which incidentally comes out as "no fur alien" on auto-correct) is taking its toll on me.

Happy Boxing Day! Heh I still remember a family trip to BTNR on this same day so many years ago (our first time there; and we haven't gone back since) where we went to the "peak" and had a nice picnic there. Was pretty memorable cause that's when the "first" notable tsunami struck; and they seem to be occurring with increasing frequency lately :/

And all I want for Christmas is?

I read too much into things, perhaps. But when I get so little to work with; how can I not?

Haha anyway, Merry Christmas, to whoever reads this blog; and who I haven't wished already. And as early Christmas morns go; this one hasn't been too bad - though I've been sitting alone in front of my computer monitor, I've had company through the wonders of the internet.

I won't dwell too much on the Christmas Spirit (the spirit of giving, maybe? but hasn't it become a marketing ploy? so, the Spirit of Capitalism?) but whatever it is, I feel it in much diminished proportions this year. This year, there's this air of tiredness permeating the entire affair. Much has happened the past few months, my parents having to cope with my sister's Sec school admission stuff; appeals and all, most recently, following certain problems which have thankfully started to stabilize, and with the whole business of moving house. The annual Christmas dinner seems to have been annulled too.  To me, a non-religious guy; Christmas has always been about getting together as one big family - we don't have to do anything in particular mind you - and it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen this time. The gift-giving/receiving has always been secondary - or even tertiary (or quaternary!) - to that. I'd be delighted to be surprised though!

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Something which I find to be a good thought-exercise is "Why? Spammage". The inner convo goes as follows:

Me: So, you want XXX?
Me: Yup!
Me: Why?!
Me: Um..because ABC?
Me: Why do you want ABC?
Me: Uh...DEF...
Me: Why?

And it goes on. Haha and I tend to get battered down very often, though sometimes I go "F*** it!" to myself and my whys and go ahead anyway.

Day 3: Can't believe I freaking spent so many hours on that zipper alone. And it's still not done. I'm starting to doubt whether I'll be able to finish this in time :s Though I'm really liking the way it's turning out! Not too bad for my first time haha.

I won't even think about why I'm doing it, cause the process has superseded the reason. It also gives me something to do in the wee hours of the morning, which can only be a good thing, right?

Finally done with the correction tape centerpiece! Heh I'm pretty satisfied with the way it turned out; and I think I'm getting the hang of this. Should be alot faster from now on.

So not worth staying up for. T.T

At least I did something semi-productive while waiting. Photoshop is really tough to pick up.

Just because someone is being more vocal about their own issues doesn't necessarily mean that theirs are more severe than someone else who decides to keep mum about it.

It's really hard to keep an objective view and not be swayed in the face of such emotion. It seems like a balancing act: To not disregard and discount an individual's personal suffering while rationally weighing it against other cases in an objective manner.

I've still got much to learn, and more people to meet. My current world has been so, so, small.

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Something, though:

When you extend the hand of hope; it's only courteous to keep it extended, and follow through all the way. I, for one, can understand how much it hurts to be given a glimpse of a glimmer of hope only to have it vanish once again. So much more cruel than having done nothing at all.

I could really empathize with the chastising tone, and the evident disillusionment.

Don't make promises that you can't keep. As for me, I endeavor to keep to all the promises I make.

See the difference? :P

Procrastination gets you - or me, actually - into some pretty unsavory positions.

Well, I won't use that as a backdoor for retreat any longer. It's no longer about whether I have a chance or not; it's a matter of principle. I'm getting sick of how epic I am at simply just throwing away opportunities which have practically fallen into my lap. Can't get into the mindset of taking them for granted.

Scary thing is that I'd probably have done it again this time round (and I may still have let it slip; it still remains to be seen) were it not for a friend of mine, and sudden last minute desperation.

I've got some little projects to be completed as well; I should probably take them out of that "Personal Failures" folder I've got on my desktop.

Think positive!

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On another note, was helping a friend look through her personal statement the other day; really quite impressive.

Kinda got me into a different kind of mindset. In JC, we're looking at finding the correct answer; or more precisely the response that is A-worthy (thanks Mr Tang) but outside it's more about personal voice, and all the stylistic decisions that act as a differentiating factor. And it's really hard to say, "I think you should do it this way instead", cause it's all a matter of what you're trying to convey; to emphasize upon. Given that, I guess I shouldn't feel so insecure about my own take on things. Other people will do things their way; but it's because I do things my way that makes me unique, right?

Haha I think I'm losing coherence; as can be seen by how the previous para has less point than this sentence alone, which I shall end without a period, thank you very much

Isn't the first pointless thing I've done, and it definitely won't be the last.

I shall go to bed now.

I'm freaking elated.

There's much to be done tomorrow/today so I guess I should go sleep now; huh?

Some viewers came over again, but I doubt they were too impressed with all the clutter around the house. Heh we really have too much junk. Speaking of which; I found myself rummaging through my stuff earlier today in an attempt to dig up that NUS letter. I failed; sadly, despite flipping through everything. In the process, I chanced upon these spiders which had nested in my Bio file of all places. Like seriously, I was moving my files around, just casually opened it, and just went WTF; there are things crawling around on the pages. Relocated them to the toilet, with much vigorous application of tissue, and gave them a grace period of a few minutes to scuttle off to wherever spiders goto (I mean, they even took residence in a freaking file FFS) before opening the floodgates; hosing down the toilet floor.

Maybe that's why I occasionally get this creeping feeling up my legs; and up my spine, even, as I sit in front of my laptop. Creeeepy =D

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At first you see a gulf and think; "Hey, that's not so big, I can cross it!" But as you approach closer, it just seems to get wider and wider; becoming a gaping chasm that one could not even dream of bridging.

Maybe I'm just not being creative enough. Yeah! I could probably fly across if I grew a set of wings, right?

Life will find a way

Having listened to people who live day to day, as they attempt to juggling various pressing concerns; utilities, education, loans, transport, food, and so on; I've realized how laughable my desire to earn "only" just enough so that my family can have a comfortable life would sound to them!

I'm pretty confident at my ability to find fulfillment in someway or another in what I do; so I'm resolved to not be so hesitant about the future, or to keep worrying about future outcomes. And even if I don't end up where I want to be, I'm sure I'll be able to derive joy from some other areas of life.

I feel young for once, after yesterday. Woefully helpless, true, but able to see the future and potential ahead of me. It was good to mix with a different breed of people (not being elitist or discriminatory or anything, but that's the truth) for once, really enlightening and inspiring. 

The word "Youth" is starting to gain some pretty positive connotations in my mind.

Late night posts don't exactly lend themselves towards a banal recount of the week's happenings; now do they? So I'll leave that as a draft for now, pursuant to when I'm in the mood to complete it.

I feel set adrift in time. Without the definition of a concrete deadline (the one on 31st Jan aside), the days blur into each other; literally even, given my current sleeping pattern. Weekdays may as well be weekends; discounting TV scheduling of course! It's a very carefree feeling.

And it's when things intrude upon this that it becomes particularly jarring. With certain things coming up; I've been having to consider what I want to do, really. Yet there's also the distinct possibility of thinking myself into inaction, where I basically vacillate between the options till I'm forced to make a choice; where I inevitably pick the easier, less troublesome (and potentially less rewarding) one as I haven't the time to prepare myself for the other. I've got a few days left for this one, so I'd better start working on it.

I've been given free reign to do practically whatever I want these past few weeks; but I've also been realizing that I can't/shouldn't simply reject the outside world because of some perceived entitlement to enjoyment, relaxation etc following the A levels and before entering NS in a month's time. And yet when I see the fractures in relationships; the tensions and dissatisfaction that have accumulated; and find myself powerless to do anything about them, I feel like just looking away, busying myself with something or another, to avoid thinking about it. The proverbial ostrich with its head buried in the sand. Or maybe it's that this current state of affairs has been sustained for so long that it no longer features strongly in my mindscape, regardless of its severity. Kinda like how relations between N. and S. Korea are pretty bad right now, yet mending them doesn't feature too strongly on the global agenda as it's shown itself to be something able to be set aside and left on slow boil (at least for now) in the face of more pressing problems.

Why do we have to bear things which are unbearable? Does doing so make us that much stronger? Really?

"That which does not kill us can only maim us for life"
- A wise man

Small incident that occurred some time ago has served to fuel my belief that relationships in general are all give and take. There are so-called "bad" sides to everyone (subjectively speaking); say, a friend. You've just gotta weigh the bad against how much you value the person and well..make a decision as to whether you'll want to go on or not. It's all about what you're willing and able to accept and what you just can't accept no matter what.

Of  course; society tends to make things much more complicated.

True, it's impossible to make everyone happy.
It's hard enough to make just one person happy; even of that person is yourself.

What is happiness anyway?

Heh but I think it's important to never take unhappiness as a given, as something that can't be helped, and become apathetic to it, when it manifests itself in either yourself or those around you. That'd be monstrous. And it's all too easy to do so; at times.

Joy. Though there were some freaking nail-biting moments in there. Do it by a more comfortable margin next time, won't you?


Felt pretty old after going down to Safra on Thursday, same feeling I get whenever I go back to Yishun, actually. 6 years doing shooting, going down to Yishun...blah blah I don't really feel like going over the whole thing again. On to the exciting stuff!

I somehow managed to blunder my way into a job with my coach's company; pretty much a once-off thing unless they need me again; to coach Pri 4-6 kids in shooting. Pretty cool right? Haha and being paid $10 per hour isn't that bad either; for doing something that I'd be willing to do FOC otherwise. But it's a sign of how things have changed in the shooting arena. Last time, you'd just tryout in Sec 1, and work on it from there. But now, with shooting becoming a more established sport, you have kiasu parents sending their kids for shooting courses; in the hope of landing them a chance to DSA into certain schools. And now comes the advent of the Sec 2 rifler hitting 590/600, and another Sec 1 being able to reach 580, as my coach proudly pointed out to me. Exciting times, and a little scary, too.

There's little to no room for underachievers such as myself; at least competitively speaking. And I can't help but to admit feeling some measure of sympathy for all those little kids, especially those really tiny ones, who so stoically attempt to raise and stabilize the rifles. Quite cool coaching them, though, especially the way they follow instructions unquestioningly xP

Quite a heartfelt farewell to Shaofei. Think I was getting pretty emotional towards the end, a little embarrassing but wtv. My problem I guess is that I have a tendency to see things as simply black and white when I lose my head over something; things won't be that bad, obviously, and we'll still see each other again, so look up, yeah?

Spent the bulk of yesterday at a lighting shop of all places. My parents; or I guess my family as a whole is freaking indecisive, so we ended up spending 3 hours there, being freaking ambivalent about all the different lighting options. Ceiling? Pendant? Warm white/Cool white? LED/Halogen? Round/Rectangular? Sheesh. Halfway through I just found myself sitting on a sofa there, flipping through some magazine on landscaping before just falling asleep. Went to another shop after that; which was much more interesting (all in the presentation, I guess), had these freaking beautiful Swarovski crystal lights, where an LED shines through the crystal, which is cut so that it reflects the light until it forms this uniformly awesome pattern on the wall. Haha, I may just want to indulge in that sort of nonsense if/when I get a house next time.

Could have gotten grievously injured today when my mum decided to move the car while I had just opened the door and was getting out; but I escaped unscathed, luckily enough. Was pretty much stunned when it happened, can kind of feel a very tangible feeling of something bushing right past me.

Phew.