Hmm since I have some time in this strange period between having read my notes for tomorrow, watching an Arsenal v Chelsea match of all things and setting my head down to bed, guess I'll spend some of it on this thing that's happened to me over just over a year or so.

Being in a relationship really teaches ALOT and I suppose it has conferred on me some degree of maturity, one way or another. An emotional maturity, rather than a purely cognitive one. I could elaborate a little further, but I'm  being a little lazy so here's what I have for now. A cognitive maturity, to me, represents an attempt, at the very least, to see things from multiple perspectives, to be able to state and defend one's views in an articulate manner whilst still retaining the humility to fess up when you think you could be wrong. Emotional maturity, on the other hand, is tempering this with kindness and self-awareness, and this happens, almost inevitably - or maybe I should say as a self-preservation mechanism? hehe - when you start incorporating another person so inextricably into your life. I may be splitting hairs somewhat, I must confess. Just take this as my attempt to explain, albeit haphazardly, that I feel like my personal developmental trajectory has been quite noticeably different from previous years.

It's a good thing, I hope.

A reminder to self to be more sensitive and to take neither people nor things (especially people) for granted.

I've been in a daze socially for awhile now, not sure how that's gonna change in the future but the last thing I can afford to do is let myself become even more calloused than I've already become.

The heart needs to come from somewhere, amidst these days that blend one into another, so easy to get lost in time.

A pretty meh if not painful CNY this time round, shan't go into the details but I really should have known better, I need to just be able to 看得开 and let some things slide without getting myself so worked up over them. It's always a fine line we tread, you don't always want to let things go when you could potentially affect them for the better, yet it's definitely pointless and tortuous (oh how the meaning of that word has changed since entering LKC) to care too much when you can't. Maybe knowing when is in itself a kind of wisdom.

Ah and time, how cruel thou art. I could carry on in this vein and wax lyrical albeit stereotypically about how no soul can escape it's grasp, how even the mightiest are wrought to dust and memories becoming just that, memories, no more, no less, to fade furthermore with its relentless passage. And I guess I have, to some extent, but to romanticize it would be to distance myself from the perception of its effects, it's tempting, I must admit but no. It just sucks, you know. To come to the stark and painful realization that some things are gone, and that all I'm able to do is regret, that I never adequately cherished them while I had the chance. I once wrote about the human capability to adapt, cockroaches (well not quite) that we are, and perhaps I will, the thought itself, that I could come to find it acceptable is repulsive to my mind, yet I know I will; it still sucks though, truly.

Not the most coherent of posts, and for that you must forgive me, stuff to get off my chest and in truth I just came on to write the first sentence, and the rest just came flowing out, whether in a wave of eloquence spilling forth, rolling off the tip of my tongue or a splatter of verbal diarrhea coming out the other end I'll leave you guys to judge. Do post a comment or something, anything in the box-like thingy to the left, I'd love to know if anyone I've lost touch with still sees fit to follow this more-than-half dead blog of mine. Till then~

2014 - A Year in Review (Well, not quite)

Well first off, my apologies to readers who've been absolutely dying to know what's going on in the life of this (relatively) insignificant individual over here; I've been lax in my 'duties'. Semi-sarcastic apologies aside, it's been really long since I last dedicated myself towards a post like this, and with the 2015 already almost a week old, I thought that it's prime time to do so. Moving on...

Unlike previous years past, I haven't really found myself taking the time to look back and reflect on the past year, and whilst in the shower a few moments ago, it was with some not-entirely-mock-horror that I realized that I can only begin to pick out and identify key events with some difficulty. Even worse is that with the drought of posts in the year 2014, I find myself bereft of the safety net of simply taking a trip back in time to peruse my archives of events past.
^ Point 1

Point 2:
Now to make a quick reference to an article I came across pretty recently (on FB, because it seems like it's been my only source of relatively quality thought-provoking articles for a while now, which I guess is a damning indictment of the levels to which I have stooped): Why Each Year Seems to Disappear More Quickly Than the Last
Based upon the pretty interesting premise/observation of time seeming to pass more quickly as we age, what struck me more in the article was more to do with how we perceive experiences:
Firstly, that experiences tend to be more intense the first time we encounter them, with the intensity diminishing with a 'Habituation hypothesis' and perhaps more significantly, the later segment about how we can slow down time, which IMO can pretty much be translated to 'How can we better enjoy and experience life'. Listed strategies include Looking for the beauty in things, Limiting multitasking, Enjoying the present moment and Seeking out new experiences. Now, this is very much not a one-size fits all approach; not all of us may possess the wherewithal to Seek Out New Experiences (SONE from now on, acronyms are Sooooo fun) nor may it be feasible to do so, but the rest do seem pretty doable for the everyman.

How does this fit in?

Well I think one of the last few times I posted, I mentioned something about trying to live in the moment more and being in some ways a little less distant/reflective. Now, I'm not saying that typing that has influenced the way I've been doing things since, but I've definitely noticed that in the way I've been approaching and thinking about things in the past months. I'm not going to say whether that's been good or bad, because I've definitely enjoyed myself, but it's just that I'm beginning to swing back the other way in that I now (once again) see the importance of thinking back (or rather more superficially, taking the time to collect my thoughts and put them down somewhere, blogging, for example) and trying to at least get an impression of or to capture the moment so to speak, as it lends a greater (for lack of a better word) rigor towards experiencing the moment, in not just letting yourself be swept along in the flow of time but in doing all you can to absorb and take it all in as you go along, that's the way I'm starting to see it. So in this new year, I suppose one of my largest resolutions, if you wanna call it that, would be to not just live out these moments in my life but to live in them, and perhaps take some time at the end of the day/week to tell myself, THIS is something significant (to me) that I did today, and hopefully this will give me a better grip on reality and more snippets to tether me along in this flow of time.

So I'll start off:
The last couple of days of the two week hols were pretty much spent working - Working on studying the anatomy of the components of the head involved in mastication, taste  and so on. It wasn't exactly the toughest thing I've worked at in LKC so far, but I somehow felt more satisfied than usual with the amount of effort I put into trying to understand it, and in being less dismissive of things than I had been in previous anatomy sessions. I was thus pretty pleased during the practical session where I was able to follow most of the material covered. It's a pretty stupid thing to be pleased about; I know that my preparatory work for this session was probably for others the amount of effort they've been putting in all along but at least to me it shows me a way forwards and if I'm able to carry on in this vein I'll give myself a pass.

Not quite a review of 2014 or rather not really a review, but for some reason I'm not quite inclined to look backwards right now so this will have to do.

Till next time, ciao

A nice long shower really does do me a world of good, allows me to take myself out of the flow of things for an instant, to take stock of my current feelings, thoughts and emotions, and to perhaps realize that the way I feel regarding a certain thing isn't necessarily isolated to that thing alone but rather symptomatic of a larger trend, perhaps a reaction to the way things around me have been seeming to go of late, and that I may perhaps be, against all odds, rhyme or reason, down in the dumps.

I'm lucky, I guess, to have been able to come to that conclusion myself, having relatively quickly run through a string of negative thoughts before somehow realizing that something was not quite right, that some other thing was probably affecting my mood and hence my perception of affairs, which gave me the opportunity to arrest the downward trend then and there, and now allows me to tackle the issue at hand.

Now, I suppose it sounds very easy on paper, but you only have to look at how things could have gone, have already gone, and probably are going in some other cases to understand that emotions and your mental state of being are by no means easy things to get a grasp on, it's not only a matter of - to borrow that old story - knowing where to chalk the cross, fixing the problem is a whole new can of worms altogether. But at least I know this, at least I've managed to stave off the downward spiral, and hopefully with some luck, will be able to get back to a better state of fine-ness, all in good time

Some people will never be happy. I guess never is probably too harsh a term to use but that's just the way it seems to me at times. It's a personal choice, I suppose, a way you choose to look at things, it's just unfortunate when you realize that no matter how much you attempt to do for someone, it's what you don't that you'll be remembered for, and for others it's just an endless void that will never be filled, no matter how much you attempt to throw into it.

Or perhaps it's just an unrealistic expectation on our part that every action we do, deed we commit, should have some kind of meaning to their recipient, when really, we have a tendency to mentally amplify the significance of what we do. It's also why I really admire those who can set out, day after day, to attempt to do something, with little perceptible effects - immediate effects. In the end, thinking about it, it's all about the mentality with which we approach things, a value judgement is made, and that's about it. Worth is very much in the eye of the beholder.

The only danger, peril that I do not wish to subject myself to, is letting myself veer, in my times of darkness, to nihilism, that seductively attractive prospect, there is that in me, that much I am aware, but it's a choice, afterall, so I choose not to.

Not the most clear-headed post after so long, my apologies, but we'll just have to see how things go from here :) Just rest assured, dear friends, that ^ is not an act of passive-aggroness, just something that's kinda been in my head for a long while, and happened to resurface, somehow

The Gift of Time

I understand now, that Time is a gift, to be given of our own free will, neither extorted, expected nor demanded, and to be dearly treasured when received, rather than callously taken for granted.

That's the long and short of it, I guess. More on my HK trip later on, once I can get my iPhone synced to my com.

I had a pretty interesting night yesterday hehe. After much procrastination and indecision,  we (Gab, Charm, Jean, Dylan and I) decided to meed at Kallang Leisure Park, purportedly to go ice-skating. Imagine my surprise when upon reaching, they announced that we'd be going to Geylang for dinner instead. So off we went, thankfully Gabriel drove, parked at Lorong 2X and we walked around looking for somewhere to grab some dinner. Well anyway it was a pretty eye-opening experience, you know, you hear about it but I never knew prostitution in Geylang could be well...so...blatant. Scantily dressed women just standing along the streets not-quite soliciting while the intent was so explicitly obvious, massive groups of guys, some of them lining up in what seemed to be queues, some of them engaged in apparent discussions, the content of which I can only shudder to imagine, money changing hands and also random "couples" with an age gap that seemed too great to look any decent stepping out of some Hotel 81, steadfastedly not looking at each other after the event. So it was pretty interesting to walk through the throngs of people conducting their business, taking sideways glances at some of the products laid out by the more enterprising ones, various tablets of IDK what, performance enhancers I suppose, laid out neatly along the sidewalk, and I can only wonder what the conversations that take place between buyer and seller must sound like... "Sooo...what does this blue one do?" "It makes your @#$@# @#$@#  #$%$5" "Then what does that one do?" "...." I guess sometimes...it's better not to ask so many questions..

Dinner itself was good, followed by much wandering around Geylang looking for some place that sold dessert, which was unfortunately nowhere to be found. After much random wandering, wherein the above ^ observations were made, along with much random BS, we decided to give it up and go for a driveby instead, stopping at Jean's place for awhile before heading home. All in all an enjoyable time, though we didn't really plan that well in advance x.x

I was dealt a pretty cruel blow last week, for shooting, NOT anything else xP Team selection trials for the NUSIS, and before my detail, I happened to see on the coach's laptop that the next lowest shooter, the only guy I had a realistic chance of beating to get onto the final team of 3, shot 548. So, I set that as my aim for the trial. Things started off badly in my first series, I was unable to quite find my proper form nor the feeling to shoot a 9, let alone a 10, so it was always going to be an uphill task playing catchup with the subsequent 5 series. I somehow managed to recover somewhat, and was counting my score in my head, trying my utmost to hit +18 (because I use 9 as my baseline, a 8 is -1, 10 is +1).My form improved, and I managed to break even before making some headway, reducing my misfires to a minimum but eventually -by my count- missed on by about 5 points. My coach tends to be a little more lenient though so he eventually gave me a score of 548, target reached, right? But it was not to be, cause in some pretty sick twist of fate, either I remembered the score wrongly or he noted it down on his laptop wrongly; that guy got 549, 1 point higher than I did. Pretty ironic and sad, I guess, after counting so closely, and actually attaining my target, that target turned out to be off, by just that little bit. Maybe I shouldn't have been so focused on the score, but this time I didn't really get the impression that it was an incorrect focus that held me back, I don't think I could have done much better at my current standard tbh. Can't help it, I guess, I don't quite know how the team will turn out now, but it's all out of my hands.

Hmmm idk, maybe what holds us back just when we're thinking of taking that one step forward is the thought that it'd mean 2 more steps to just get back to where we used to be if things didn't turn out as expected, and even that is just an unlikely possibility. We can't just continue standing where we are, yet we're so afraid to step forward, trying to pick the moment, when things feel right. As with so many other things, it's all a matter of timing. It's all so very confusing >< And in part it's not fair to carry on with such uncertainty, is it? You get one hand clapping, with the other not quite sure where it wants to be. Or maybe that other hand is just thinking too much and should just give it time to see how things develop.

I stilled my heart before burying it deep, and still the question lingers: How to begin to make sense of what I have, what I am, to disentangle it from what I used to be, a fleeting coherence that vanishes the moment I open my eyes. Ask no questions, and I shall have to tell no lies.

This CNY, pretty much the least visiting I've done since I can remember, 初一 a flash of age-wrinkled hands, it shouldn't elicit as visceral a surge of emotion each time, but it does, always, another reminder of the passage of time. Memories seem to be a recurring theme for me, each CNY, this time was no different, many of my formative memories are of time spent at my grandparents' house, a 2-storied flat in Serangoon, heading there after classes at Rosyth to wait for my mum to finish work and pick me up, or time spent messing around with my cousins in our once weekly Saturday family visits, savoring my grandma's delicious home-cooked food, the doting affections of my grandpa who'd buy food from the coffeeshop downstairs whenever I came over, and, not that I remember much, but the first few months of my life spent there, while my parents were waiting to get a house of their own. It's changed, now, not only physically, after the pretty recent renovations, but also in the nature of the things we do, subtly yet very distinctly different, it's human nature, or perhaps more significantly, a huge part of my nature to hold that little bit of sentimentalism, and emotional attachment to the past, I know that part of me just isn't going to go away, and it hurts, more than a little, this realization that we simply can't hold on to the past forever.

In line with this theme, I spent 初二 alone at home sorting through a little of my old stuff while the rest of my family went visiting (yeah, I know I should probably have done this before CNY, but what's a procrastinator gonna do ><) in anticipation of having some friends over the next day, coz my room was in a veritable mess. Seriously. It was quite a chore, but as I looked through all those old RI notes, it really struck me that we were very fortunate to have been exposed to such a wide variety of readings, loads of paper wasted, trees killed, yeah, but no one can say that they didn't try. A lot of interesting stuff, ethics, politics and such, it shames me to admit that I didn't see the importance of these at that point of time, and didn't read much tbh, and it's a missed opportunity I may rue given the highly specialized nature my education is going to take from now on. And I realized that it is these miscellaneous readings, rather than the tutorials and lecture notes from the sciences that I'd treasure at this point of time,  the hard, recall based knowledge perhaps not as relevant to me now as the trivia on a basis of casual interest. I got into a bit of trouble with my mother, as a lot of her memorabilia along with old clothes was in my room, promises to clear them out "eventually" having never materialized till I pushed for it. It...wasn't too pleasant. Things sortta came to a head the next day, particularly tense and I couldn't take the overbearing passive aggressiveness (who flames their own sibling behind their back for asking them out for breakfast? It just doesn't make sense) so I just walked out when we were supposed to go shopping for ingredients together. I can't say I meant anything by doing that, didn't intend to make a statement, I just didn't feel up to sticking around with the negativity, I suppose that's something you can understand, right? To her credit she caught up to me pretty soon after and idk, things improved somewhat, without any mention of what'd happened earlier that morning. Things aren't ever resolved, but well..I was more than happy to take it..

Not the best start to the day, but things turned out well enough to pretend that everything was okay, and it got better from there, I actually enjoyed preparing the rosti, and having M&M over was a pretty nice experience, not much to do in my house, but I never knew my roof could be such a nice place to chill, talk cock and play a few rounds of poker, I was the first to go bust, risk-adverse though I was, and Mos won eventually, going all-in on pure dumb luck, so it was worth it, I guess?

I'm not too sure where life goes from here, I haven't quite formed the words in my head so do pardon any incoherence on my part. And I guess I should be the first to know that time spent one to one, rambling endless convos that go on and on don't necessarily mean a thing. Compound onto that my apparent self-perceived heartlessness, something I can't quite express, not right now at least, and I don't know if I even deserve anything.

Ah screw this, I tried, that's all for now..

2013-2014

It's not been an overly hectic start to 2013, first week of school was pretty refreshing, the sad part of our hols is that 2 weeks isn't enough to do much but yet long enough to begin feeling the boredom of staying and stoning at home all day. An exciting life I do not possess. So, as I was saying, it was refreshing to get into the swing of things once again, to shake off the cobwebs that accumulate as they are wont to do when the mind is idle, and to emerge from my shell to engage in some sustained human interaction, and with it the realization that perhaps I'm not as introverted as I originally thought. It gets tiring, all these conversations in my head, and bouncing ideas off of indifferent walls, after awhile, and important to listen to ideas and voices that aren't my own. I may not perform well in social situations but I definitely do get by better with rather than without them.

Well, to do justice to 2013, it was pretty much one of the most heterogeneous years I remember of my admittedly short life. Strangely enough, though with some effort I can dredge up some less than distinct memories of my time in NS, and recall vaguely some of the frustrations and difficulties I agonized over during that period, they all feel so distant now, in fact, ever since I disrupted  rarely did I ever cast my mind back to those army days, perhaps the reason for the so aptly named Army Daze. They changed me, that's for sure, but I'm still not sure how and I'm also not sure I'd enjoy finding out. My med school experiences are obviously much less documented and maybe that's because of a desire to do more think less. Over-analysis has perhaps not served me as well, so I guess I'd like to immerse myself more in moments, and take things as they come and develop, rather than being cynical or attributing undue expectations to things because of my over-thinking. I've been enjoying it though, and especially just those nights watching a couple of episodes of House along with conversations rambling long into the night. I want to open myself up more to such experiences, to be the recipient of and giver of kindness with grace and to basically just be a less tightly-wound individual as a whole. And perhaps, more and more, as much as I'd hate to admit it, I have to be able to see myself as a victim of events rather than a perpetrator of the way things are, and accept that the outcome may simply be out of my control, though the what-ifs, could-have-beens and regrets do torment and threaten to overwhelm me at times.

I'm glad though, to have maintained ties with the few close friends I have, it's a little sobering to think that we'll pretty much be further scattered and have less opportunities to meet up, if ever. We'll find a way, I'm sure, and it's selfish to expect that things stay the way the are, we all have our paths to tread upon.

I guess I've already kinda alluded to what I'd like to aspire towards in this year ahead, to accept the things that happen to me with an open heart, yet to not lose heart that I do have a crucial role to play in deciding my "fate". To try to be less of an ass to the people I care for, no matter how fun it may be, and to curb, just a little, this innate impulsiveness of mine, which is quite paradoxical, really, I carefully consider things till the very last moment when it really matters, then more often than not screw up when I lose my cool. And well, not lastly, of course, because there never is an end to what we aspire towards, is there, but at least to end this off, I want to cut back on the waste in my life. I don't really know how to describe it, I was pretty sure I did while in the shower but it eludes me now, so I'll just go with this: Very often, I do things just for the sake of it, in a mind-numbing self-desensitization of sorts, which doesn't give me anything in return. Now, I'm not saying that I expect myself to be absolutely efficient and productive, but at least I'd like to be unproductive in a way that actually means something, be it me truly enjoying myself, or doing something that while not exactly savoury, does serve to toughen me up/make me stronger in some way. It's a tough ask, and I'm really not sure whether I'll have the self-discipline to go through with it, in fact I'm pretty sure I'll revert to my ways right after completing this post, but at least by putting it out here, hopefully I can begin working towards it.

PS I realize that I've omitted in some ways perhaps the most life-changing experience of all: Getting into LKCSoM,  maybe because I'm still in it and it's not as simple to take a step back and say, okay, this is how it has affected me, and that's what I think/feel about it. I'm still processing, is what I want to say, and maybe I'm a little too lazy at this point to time to attempt to commit these thoughts to "paper". It's been an enriching experience, the people I've met and things I've seen, some of which have affected me to a very visceral level, I guess I'll hold on to them a little longer, let them fester, and find a way to do this when the time is right.

I'm up early, for once! Woke up 4-ish today after succumbing to sleep relatively early last night, having headed to the Estuary to gym & swim with my sisters. Hmm so besides practicing my backfall and occasional attempts at a backrise this fine morning, I guess I should get around to this. I've been procrastinating, after all, kinda fell out of the habit of putting my thoughts to paper and devoting my mind to this activity, far too easily have I let myself wander. Wonder. Well, no new year's resolutions today, just what's been happening since the last post and over this festive season, and we'll go on from there.

A relatively muted Christmas celebration this was, but no less treasured. We went over to my grandparent's place on Christmas Eve, then gathered at my aunt's for dinner the next day. Maybe it's a sign of how dysfunctional or at least that my nuclear family just doesn't prioritize things that way, but I always find myself impressed at how together she seems to have things, to be able to have us over and prepare an awesome meal for all of us. I wouldn't say I did much catching up, cause I guess there isn't that much catching up to do with those you're more or less intimate with, and maybe cause I've just always been plain horrible at that kinda thing, but it was nice to just spend time with them and bask in the familial atmosphere. It's a comfortable feeling, really. And yet I can't shake this indescribable sadness whenever I look at the aging spots on my grandfather's arms, feel the crinkly almost paper-thin texture of his skin, or listen to my grandma say, with a tinge of resignation "外婆老了". It probably speaks more of my yet emotional immaturity that I find this so hard to accept and deal with, I have to really treasure what I have now, I guess, rather than start thinking about what there is to lose.

I saw this poem of sorts on FB, shared it cause it really affected me, and I know how I'm usually against the reposting of stuff but well, here it is:

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

And it's a sin I commit way too often, to look at people, not only my grandparents but perhaps even my parents and others as who they appear to me to be at this moment of time, forgetting that once, they must have been just like myself, fraught with insecurities, uncertain about their future, and yet harboring dreams as well. And I say this, perhaps out of the fear that the exact same thing is going to happen to me one day, but also because I'd like to work on this as well, as an aspiring doctor and also as a child and grandchild. Will I be able to do it? I don't know. But if I am to have a heart, I must try.

You know, (and when I say you, I'm of course referring to a metaphorical "you" that'd preferably be perfectly in sync with my every thought, just saying) we've been talking about personalities for a couple of weeks now, while I do strongly feel that there are some serious problems when you look at personality tests as a way of lumping people into boxes (albeit evidently well-designed and thought out boxes, but boxes nonetheless) and attempting to justify/understand the things they do (it IS a mad world, afterall) there is merit in looking at these descriptions as a way of understanding yourself, your respective strengths and deficiencies and treating it as a constructive criticism of sorts, to know what you could afford to work on, or the reasoning behind why you might instinctively react in certain ways to certain situations, which is arguably the whole point of the entire exercise, no? I'd rather not put myself under a microscope at this point of time, but I guess I've always had trouble really connecting with people on a meaningful emotional level, hiding behind jokes, the occasional suan, or simply talking about nothing. The trouble is, and it really is a problem, is that maybe I have no idea what intimacy is supposed to feel like, so y'know, it may also be that this is it and that with constant analysis, questioning and self-doubt, I'm actually convincing myself otherwise. So I guess the people I'm most comfortable with, are those who I find pretty similar to myself, which may be why I was able to HTHT with Sean till pretty late that night, only downside though is that it sometimes seems like I'm talking to myself, albeit a more hardworking, dedicated version. The other type of people I guess are well, you guys, whoever else who happens to read this and knows that I'm talking about you. 

Well enough about that. These holidays just about culminate the end of my first semester of school. Yay. Towards the end, much of our focus was directed towards the Formative, our year-end exam, one intended as a practice paper of sorts as it's not going to go towards our final grade. I studied for it, of course I did, but I don't think I was particularly intense in doing so, honestly. I realize that I really enjoy physiology, have an appreciation for anatomy, but that I kinda dislike rote memorization, which I've probably said before. It's a field of study/occupation that requires it all though, so hopefully I'll be able to imbibe all the stuff to the point where it becomes knowledge I possess rather than something I'll have to continuously force down my throat. Revision, though, did allow me to see just how much we've covered withing this 4-5 month period, it's definitely a step-up from the 'A' level curriculum, in terms of depth of content, the amount of support we're given in trying to understand and make sense of it, as well as having the additional requirement of being able to integrate this knowledge into practice, especially when interviewing/treating patients, which we've had some small amount of experience with now in our clinical practice sessions. If there's anything that I've realized in my first few months as a med student, it's that it really is a very demanding course/occupation, so it worries me a little that I seem to be coasting by pretty comfortably for now, and as Sean mentioned, there are some questions with regards to the rigor of our curriculum, we seem to be covering a little less than what our other local counterparts are, with more focus on the intangibles of patient interaction, self-reflection and such, which, if you look at it another way, could just be seen as so much fluff. Maybe it's a situation where it'll only work if you really believe it. Some very valid concerns, though, but I'm committed already, so the only way left is to see it through, and make up for any shortcomings by working on it ourselves, I suppose. 

Well, New Year's Eve, time for 2014 to roll around :)

I obviously haven't posted in ages, so if you're still hanging around now, thanks, I guess. It just seems a little weird, writing about things that probably have no proper frame of reference for whoever's reading this, and things are in a right mess in my head anyway.

Between feeding my House addiction (oh what joy there is in medical dramas, especially being able to appreciate at least some of the things going on, and in a one horse open sleigh too! It's almost Christmas, guys) and attempting to prepare for my "finals" (do note the very intentionally placed ""s, maybe I'll get back to that later), I haven't spent much time in naval-gazing introspection, maybe all the thoughts have been right out displaced from my head. A proxy for actual thought. Pity, especially since there's so much that's happened. I should really keep a journal.

I've been on a bit of a spending spree recently, got a couple of cheap games on a Steam sale - there's this really awesome game called Surgeon Simulator 2013, you control a single disembodied left hand, and when I say control I really do mean control, you control all aspects, elevation, rotation, and each finger, individually, and as the name suggests, you conduct some borderline irresponsible procedures on hapless victims, you really should try it out - , a pair of cheap um I mean relatively cheap soccer shoes and a few sets of not-so-cheap comply eartips. Freaking awesome on all counts, though. This willingness to spend (though I end up feeling shitty about myself after it) is perhaps just one of the ways I've changed, apparently.

School and academic life: I should probably learn to stick to one method/medium of note-taking/studying, revision - to whatever extent I've been able to get to - is currently a huge pain in the ass with loads of various pieces of paper, pdfs and such floating around, in no coherent manner whatsoever. Haix. I need a better way to organize this information and fast. I'm also starting to develop this niggling doubt that I'm doing enough; not a fear that I'll be unable to meet the demands of the course but rather a nagging feeling that we're kinda short in academic rigor in the course. An MCQ formative assessment for this year end paper, assignments which though graded, award you full the full percentage for a "satisfying" submission. Hehx. Individually speaking though, I probably need to step up somehow. I'm honestly still thinking about how best to attack it.

Anyways, friends ORD-ed pretty recently, don't know quite what to feel about it. I'm not jealous or anything lame about that, just a general feeling of wistfulness that that was the date I'd been looking forward to for so damn long. But what does a guy who disrupted 5-odd months ago get to say about this anyway. From the outside looking in though, it does seem like a hugely anti-climatic moment: you've given up 22 months of your life to...something...and after that you're told that you're free now! You can go do whatever you want to do, or in no uncertain terms, to eff off, with a "thanks for serving the nation" if you're lucky. No further fanfare, nobody will miss you nor the 22 months, just you.And life goes on. Which is probably the most diabolical part of this. You'd like to think that when something happens, something significant to you, that it'd have a more significant effect on your life, no? Not for things to just go on. It just doesn't feel right, like the sanctity and severity of the moment has been violated somehow. Ouch.

Ok, it's 4, I don't have much else to write that isn't more complete and utter crap, so unless I'm suddenly able to express, in not so many words, the sentence that encapsulates the conflict that lies that the heart of the human condition, then I'm done.

It's been a long while, I was actually halfway into a post last Sat but was kinda too disappointed with the result to carry on, so it now sits unfinished, along with the rest of its kin in the draft folder, never to see the light of day~

Anyways, 4-0, granted, against an abject Fulham but still, wow. And with the distinct impression that we could have scored loads more no less! Very impressed with Coutinho, still a little rusty after quite a while out after that tackle but the quality is evident; loads more through balls coming into the game, and ALOT more attacking impetus as well. Unlucky to not have scored hehe. Well Fulham pretty much capitulated after goal number 2 so sterner tests lie in wait after the break, Everton and Tottenham haha, hopefully the reversion to 4 at the back means we actually have some midfield presence for once. With the number of false dawns this team seems to have seen, I shall reserve my excitement and anticipation for later in the season, but for now, I shall remain quietly optimistic of our progress.

Last Monday's shooting trials didn't go that well, mostly, I suppose, because I hadn't managed to train at all the week before, was completely unable to find my hip (maybe I'll have a little more success once lower body anat comes along hehe) and just felt really unstable. I somehow managed to pull things up with a 97 in my penultimate series though, so I ended up with something 53X-ish. Not ideal at all, gotta work on that. Sometime. Despite that though, I'm apparently on the school team! Nothing to brag about, but at least I'll be able to carry on training FOC~

I haven't been the most rigorous or on about my studies, not to the point of neglecting them, but I'm pretty aware that there's a lot more that I could do about them. A large part of it is down to laziness and inertia, especially during the midweek slump and over the weekends. And as I've said before, the issue isn't that I hate studying; I'm perfectly fine once I've hit the books, maybe it's a habitual kinda thing urgh.

For our LTPP, we accompanied some homecare nurses to visit pediatric patients. Can't say too much here but it was an eye-opening and visceral experience, I can only begin to imagine what their caregivers have to go through, emotionally and even physically, love is so easy to speak of but to see if expressed in such a way, day in day out, was very touching. And I guess it can be very easy to discount such situations, saying stuff like "Oh, they seem to be coping fine, you know?" so its very commendable that there are people and organizations out there who attempt to relieve some of their burden, to simply offer to look after their kids for a day while the parents have a day to themselves, it really does seem to have a profound impact on them.

I have awesome classmates, I really do. They're probably among the "nicest" most generous and caring people out there, which probably shouldn't be too much of a surprise, hopefully it means that our interviewers selected well. And if there's something I've learned from being around them, it's that being "nice" is simply not enough. It's precisely because they have so many things to them in addition to their niceness that makes them wonderful. And somehow, maybe because I've been over-saturated by the nice-ness around me, I find myself holding back; there's always someone else to care, to do something about it, and why do what'd amount to an almost pointless gesture? I guess what I'm trying to say is that in some sense, I've kinda lost my grasp on my barometers of who I am, what I wanna be, and it can feel unsettling at times. Or maybe I'm just screwed up inside :s

Went out with Mos, Merv and his sis to watch Thor last Sat, had dinner at the Soup Spoon before taking a walk to the floating platform with Mos. We've come so far since the last time we were there for our POP, the rest of my batchmates are gonna ORD in less than a month, and our futures await. Some much less definite than others, since mine seems to be almost-if-not-quite laid out, but the scary and impressive thing is how anything we do now will likely have a considerable impact on where we end up even a few years done the road. 举足轻重 comes readily to mind. And yet something to remember - and is so easy to forget - is that we're still young, there's room for mistakes, error and exploration. We've been so indoctrinated by the education system and high pressure environment that we come from that we feel that margins for error are tiny, almost no room for a single misstep, only one path to follow, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that it's a very limited way of thinking. So yes, we may have our best laid plans, and that's a good thing, it's always prudent to have a well-considered Plan A, or even B, but we should never close ourselves off so completely that we find a single hiccup along the way all so jarring, or that we fail to consider other avenues when they open themselves up to us.

Idk. So I'll cast this out into the ether for now. Not the best worded of things I could have written but it'll have to do.

I'm still alive people, no need to worry :P

Had the *ahem* privilege of hosting a table-full of NYGH girls who happened to know my sis at the LKC Inspirational Lecture at MBS yesterday night. I have to admit I had no idea of the kind of scale the whole thing would be at when I volunteered, most of us just did it thinking that we'd at most be involved in some small sharing sessions towards the end, not scattered across the huge room, one to a table (with our freaking names on it) to "facilitate" somehow. It was quite an interesting experience hehe.

Well anyways other than that, we've finally embarked upon anatomy classes (at long last!) and some other "real" medical stuff. It's simultaneously exciting and daunting, cause well..it's what I signed up for after all, but though I don't have much trouble grasping the conceptual side of things, I'm facing some difficulty with memorization, the names Latin FFS not to mention even attempting to spell them. The pace of things is pretty fast too, so I haven't really found the time (nor discipline, I must confess) to backtrack and go over things once more! Notetaking is proving to be a conundrum, efficiency vs having something actually semi-decent to refer to for revision is something I'm struggling to find a balance between, add on the fact that I absolutely SUCK at drawing and I guess you can figure that my notes look really crappy and disorganized.

I've been finding the time to have fun (when have I not~), too much, at times, played futsal with some friends this afternoon and managed to injure myself (predictably) in a pretty epic manner, tripping over a goal-bound through-ball while attempting to poke it in to score; a misstep led to my foot landing and sliding over the ball, my butt on the ground, me ending up inside the goal, and my dignity in tatters. I kinda hurt my wrist whilst cushioning the fall, and ended up ponning shooting training. I'm guilt-ridden. Heavily, I swear. Especially since I cancelled Tuesdays session too to go for the MBS thingum, which means I haven't trained at all this week, with the selections coming up next week :S

Ok! I'm off to hit the books iPad before a hopefully not-too-late night, so ciao~

Recess Week

Metaphor tires me, after such a long time out, so I'll keep this simple.

Haven't been doing much during recess week, a complete reversion to type after the intensity of school. And without really noticing it, 10 weeks have passed. All the random hall and school activities aside, talking strictly about acads itself, I find, to my not-so-complete-but-still surprise that I really enjoy learning. Not the studying and mugging per se, cause the feeling of staying up till ungodly hours every Monday and Thursday to catch up on the next TBL, frantically transcribing the lectures really sucks, but rather the stimulation of learning, of new input. Getting new pieces of the puzzle to put together and assemble, and retaining it in its entirety in my head, even if only for an instant, is a super amazing feeling. And yeah, we may complain about some aspects of the admittedly new format of learning, sometimes at length, but there's no overlooking the fact that at the end of the day I feel EXTREMELY lucky and privileged to be here.

So, what's going on now? I signed up to help out in the planning of next year's hall FOC, something I didn't really need to do because I don't need the hall points, and I'm not sure whether I'll come to regret that decision, but I really wanted to be involved with hall activities to a greater extent, and since I'm not on any of the subcomms and OG activities seem to be dwindling, I thought it'd be a good chance to mix around a little with some non-med people (though we're a fairly decent bunch, I must admit) and well..get something more out of hall than simply a place to rest my head at night, and a room to spend my days mugging away. Seriously, it can get to you after awhile. I'm trying to pick up darts as well, it's a fun and easy alternative to shooting as a means of relaxing and focusing on something else, though it remains to be seen whether I can get to be any good at it, took over an hour to complete the 2 out of 3 hits on 1 to 20, in sequence drill on Monday, my first time really attempting it though, so I'll consider that an achievement for now. As for shooting, I'll start to train in the coming weeks, with the "trial" at the end of the month in mind, and see how things go from there. For penspinning, I'd like to put out my first (and possibly last) solo but don't quite have the appropriate repertoire of tricks and linkages to make anything meaningful urgh, I'll just leave that as a KIV for now. And yeah, I'm finally going to embark on the long road to a driving license. Just need to settle on a centre...my indecisiveness is going to be my downfall haix.

A few things to keep the studying from getting stale, though I really have to manage my time a lot better if I don't want to fall behind on my commitments. Discipline!

I never really posted about it, cause I guess I wrote down all I had to say already, so if you do see this: Hope you're having a great time over there Jack! Though we may joke that it doesn't really seem like you're gone, you're really never too far from our thoughts :)

A period of change, of growth, of finding out more about ourselves and getting comfortable in our own skins, while still testing ourselves and out limits, of deciding what we're more-or-less okay with, and what we won't stand for, a period that may come to define our lives. It's simultaneously amazing and scary, isn't it?

Hospital Week

Such a disappointing game, y'know having 4 CBs doesn't mean you have to play ALL of them at the same time. Weird thing is the game was so flat that I don't even feel anger, just apathy. Seriously.

I know the last post was supposed to be continued, but I'm not particularly in a time-traveling kinda mood right now so that period of time will have to remain vacant for now.

I'm disappointed that other than that first training session 3 weeks ago, I haven't been able to shoot AT ALL. Yes, it's understandable that the weapons need to undergo maintenance, and not totally unexpected that they'd take longer than projected to be done. However, this irrational, demanding part of me can't help but be more than a little miffed that things have turned out the way they have, and that I won't be able to get my shooting fix, so there.

Complaints and random grouses aside, the past week's clinical posting/attachment has, to reuse a well-worn cliche, been an eye-opening experience.

Attached to the Endocrinology department, what we were exposed too wasn't all too different from what we'd seen at the polyclinic. Loads of diabetes cases, and issues with diabetes management, but really a step up in magnitude in the cases dealt with. If the attachment at the polyclinic mapped a patient's journey from their perspective, the hospital posting mapped their journey from the perspective of the various allied healthcare professionals. Sitting in on Sister Poh Leng's (a Diabetic Nurse Educator) consult with a particularly difficult patient who apparently had a personality disorder and refused to listen when told that his results showed he had diabetes, constantly denying it and taking a very combative stance towards her, I gained a healthy respect for the patience and dedication towards their jobs our nurses possess. It can be a very draining task, especially when she has patients coming in constantly having problems with their compliance and their conditions worsening, so to watch her be so patient in her attempts to suss out the reasons behind their noncompliance and to try to work out solutions with them was honestly very inspiring. Even more so was that after a 1 hour consult with a patient who had had to undergo an amputation and had certain other problems, and having shown the patient out of the room, she turned to us and said "These are the patients you have to take care of" and it was very evident from her tone of voice and the look on her face that she really empathized and felt for the patient's situation. It was a very visceral experience for me.


Having had opportunities to interact with and "question" some of the patients, both inpatient and outpatient, it soon became clear to me that treating patients, isn't as simple as prescribing medication and suggesting a diet plan and leaving it to them to comply. Sometimes it's not simply a matter of discipline. They may work long hours, have financial difficulties, or even be unable to eat properly because of other people at home, so understanding these, and also the fact that patients may not be entirely forthcoming about the whole picture without further prompting, or may at times opt to mislead rather than to reveal their noncompliance out of a fear of being judged is very important in working with them to manage their illnesses, especially chronic ones. An approach favouring collaboration over didacticism is required.

The ward rounds left me with mixed feelings. The ICU and HDU showed how strongly and tenaciously we're able to hang onto life, but had me wondering where/when we draw the line, beyond the very practical considerations of limitations in resources, which have the potential to open a whole new can of worms altogether with regards to ethical decisions which may have to be made. Whilst touring the wards, we met and interviewed a patient who had suffered from leprosy (the result of bacterial infections, curable now, hence its rarity in Singapore but insufficient awareness in the past means most of the inflicted who suffered permanent disabilities are often the elderly) earlier on, patients who had had amputations and suffered other complications as a result of poorly controlled diabetes and other victims of debilitating illnesses. One particular incident which sticks rather vividly in my mind was of visiting a Class C ward and seeing an elderly lady seated in a chair beside her bed. I couldn't really see whether she was restrained to the chair but she never got up, and had some kind of brace around her chest. She constantly moaned as if she were in pain, and complained; directed to I don't know who, that something was very tight and was hurting her, begging for it to be loosened. Very disturbed at the fact that noone seemed to be paying her any attention, I asked the doctor whether we should/could do anything for her. So turns out she had dementia which could have been aggravated by her surroundings; the pain might even have been psychological. But that did nothing to keep my heart from tearing to bits each time I heard her in that state, and it mustn't have been nice for the patients sharing the ward with her as well, I can't imagine what it must be like to experience that while trying to recover yourself :X I have to admit that having had little hospital experience prior to this, I was shocked by what I saw, what patients had to go through in their illnesses. I think it's important though, strange as this may sound, to hold onto this "shock", or at the very least, to not become desensitized to it, and take it as part of normal proceedings. I was a little surprised too, when in a patient's presence, our supervising doctor spoke to us very candidly about his/her condition, addressing us and not the patient, and prompting us with questions for him/her, almost as if the patient wasn't there. I understood, of course, that he was helping us to understand more about the patient's condition and to get us to think about where our line of questioning should lead, it simply felt a little awkward for all this to occur while another human being was hopefully not exactly suffering but lying ill right in front of me. I don't know whether it's something I will ever get used to and comfortable with.

Our visit to the dietician was both helpful and depressing, in that it illustrated just how hard it could be for even a relatively healthy young person to eat healthily, within the required amount of calories within a day, not to mention for a diabetic who would have to strictly control his/her blood sugar. It reinforced the understanding that calling for a change in lifestyle is not an easy task at all, and that any progress would have to be made step by step with the patient. I somehow can't shake the feeling that even if I knew I were leading an unhealthy lifestyle (which I AM), I would experience a lot of difficulty in even attempting to change my living and eating habits, which seem very ingrained in me.


No Conclusion here, nothing to see.

Still Alive

It's certainly been a busy couple of weeks, my birthday included. I'm twenty now! Now bereft of that -teen suffix, not quite sure how I feel about that yet. A progression along this general trend of greater personal responsibility perhaps, that I've been moving along since way back when perhaps. Hall life where I've been maintaining the balance between not falling behind academically, keeping up with my TBLs, while still able to get involved to some extent in hall activities & events, and making it down for shooting as well. I can get a little frustrated at times, because there's been loads of stuff I've been interested in joining but I've had to make a conscious effort to watch the things I'm committing myself to. "I don't have the time for this, I don't have the time for that, I'm afraid I won't be able to cope" a train of thoughts that doesn't make me the happiest person around. I'm sure it's something everyone else has to face too, so just think of this as a little groundless complaint of mine :)

That aside, it somehow feels like uni, and hall life as an extension of it, is teaching me how to be more generous, to accept the kindness of others and to open up as well. I can't say how touched I felt when Jean brought out a cake during our TBL group BBQ at her house last week, or when Steph and Jing Wen left a little something in my shoe rack for me, and when my "angel" got a small Starbucks cake delivered to me via proxy later that night too. It really made me realize how hardened I'd let myself become, a little cynical at times, which probably won't do me any good when I'm trying to go out to help people. I guess in part it's also because I'm not really used to receiving things from people all too often, to the point where I feel a little strange when people are being "too nice", you start to wonder about what they're really up to, or just a little weird-ed out. Idk. It's something different, something I'm not used to, which perhaps says more about me than them, and maybe it's a chance for me to learn and grow as a person too.

Now, where to go from here?

The previous week was polyclinic week, we went down to BBK Polyclinic to have a look at how the healthcare system operates, I'll be going down to TTSH next week as well, and also to speak to patients and staff there, not to actually delve into their illnesses and collect case notes but rather to get a feel for interacting with them, and to try to see things from their perspective, rather than being confined to seeing healthcare from solely a healthcare professional's one. Though I had my reservations about it initially, thinking that it'd be awkward, that I wouldn't know how to approach a patient, it actually turned out to be a surprisingly enjoyable experience. And I really did feel very privileged that upon hearing that I was a medical student (and seeing me in a white coat, which I'll admit does confer some undeniable legitimacy to the thing) most (if not all of them) were willing to spare me a few minutes of their time - even longer, in some cases where we just had a nice chat - to share a little about their conditions pretty openly and warmly, and well, were very willing to help us with whatever questions we had. And in return it was also impressed upon us that this trust had to be reciprocated with an awareness of our responsibility in not betraying that trust. Professional standards of practice and all that that have to be observed from day one even as a student. We traced the processes within the polyclinic, from registration to consult to payment, it's quite fascinating how the volume of patients is channeled. Having had a severely minimal exposure to the public healthcare system (or any healthcare, for the matter) prior to this, it was a real eye-opener. All that aside, polyclinic week also constituted a very welcome break from the cycle of mugging iLectures for TBL, doing practicals, practical results analysis followed by preparing for the next TBL again. We had a small BBQ at Jean's house, she's an amazing host, and it was quite interesting how the "feel" of her house really seems to reflect her personality, a function of upbringing perhaps? It was fun, just chilling and talking cock, and helped to relieve some tension which I hadn't even realized I had built up inside me. I managed to clock in some shooting training too, my form's starting to get better, and the feeling's starting to come back, just a little

My best card so far, I shouldn't be too happy about this but I am, which is perhaps why I tend not to perform so well :/

I don't even recall what I was up to the rest of that week, were there any hall events? I honestly have no idea, so I'll leave it at that.

Went out with JAM that Saturday, a pretty common thing, except overshadowed, for me at least, by the realization that pretty soon, or soon enough, we'll be pretty much scattered around the globe, with Merv having gotten accepted to Australia (gratz!), Amos going off to UPenn next year (still loads of time there) and Jack flying off to London today. It really brings to mind how much of a state of transition we're all in, with my future having gradually come into focus after getting into LKC, and as for the rest, paths unfolding before them with varying degrees of certainty, as we prepare ourselves to move on to another stage of life. Nothing is ever certain, only the fact that things will never be quite the same. Change is the only constant.

Off to the airport in awhile for the send off, TBC later.

Shooting Stuff Once Again

I honestly can't recall when my last post was, and that's a bad thing. Somehow I can't find it in me to compose a post while in hall, be it a consequence of a whole host of activities, there's always something that seems to take precedence, or perhaps because as much as I love having SH as my roommate, it does make for some little awkwardness when it comes to composing my thoughts in privacy. Weekends seem to pass in a blur, too much to do, too little time, so all I have are these rare moments to sit down, take a deep breath and attempt, to varying degrees of success, to recall and reflect over the things that have happened.

Let's start with the most striking one first.

On my way to DnD at the Marina Mandarin yesterday, a lady taming the bus I was on suddenly collapsed. She was sitting in the middle of the last row of seats at the back of the bus, so she toppled, face forwards, landing heavily on the floor. It wasn't simply fainting; her whole body started convulsing, I think she actually managed to bite her dentures so hard that they cracked, shards lying on the floor, everyone, myself included, was stunned. I got down beside her, but didn't quite know what to do; if I turned her around, was there a chance she'd choke from anything inside her mouth? But leaving her facedown there couldn't be a good thing as well. And I was, I must admit, more than a little afraid to touch her, she was shaking so, so, badly. Another middle-aged guy came over, and together we turned her onto her back, hands supporting her head. Her teeth were locked together, the inside of her mouth seemed to be lacerated, blood bubbling out of it. We frantically got someone to call an ambulance, and asked around for something to slot inbetween her teeth, some packets of tissue, a Tupperware lid, but her teeth were clenched together so tightly that they couldn't be pried apart. Fortunately she didn't seem to have bitten onto her tongue. So all we could do was squat there and support her head, hoping frantically that she'd be okay, waiting for the ambulance to come. The convulsions stopped after a minute or so, we called out to her to no response. "Are you okay?" "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Do you know what happened to you?" In English and Chinese. An eternity passed. She gradually regained consciousness, was able to move and sit up by herself, back facing us. She either couldn't or wouldn't reply to our questions. Time passed, she still seemed disorientated but was able to give us her name, at least. More time passed. I have no idea what the supposed response time for an ambulance to arrive is supposed to be, but what I'm saying is that that ambulance seemed to take forever to arrive, 10 mins at the very least, so I'm very thankful her condition didn't seem to be very critical. We stayed with her till the ambulance arrived, and the attendants took over, before finally alighting from the bus to continue the trip to YCK MRT. It's the first time I've got someone else's blood on my hands, probably not going to be too rare an occurence in the future given my chosen profession, but I hope I'll be able to react at least a little better should there be further occurrences in the unforeseen future. I found myself so helpless, not knowing what to do, and I'm not proud of myself for that, but not shying away and at least trying to help has to count for something, doesn't it? Thankfully she seemed fine.

Academically speaking, the past week has been a pretty chill one, a TBL session on Tuesday, which I spent the better part of Sunday and Monday preparing for - burning the midnight oil seems like a normal thing nowadays - a wholly unremarkable practical session; analyzing the rate of malate dehydrogenase catalyzed reaction via the production of NADH with the use of a spectrophotometer; repeating the same few steps over and over again to produce a set of results, we were damn shocked when there was an anomaly, apparently someone had forgotten to put in the NAD+ haha, and practical results analysis which can be summed up as "How to use Excel for Dummies" (which I am, unfortunately), MedSoc Exco elections on Thursday and a visit to Bukit Batok Polyclinic on Friday, a prelude to the upcoming week's attachment there. I don't feel like dwelling on how the election turned out etc, though class politics are always an interesting point of discussion, so I'll talk about the experience at BBP instead. Definitely an interesting experience; they have an area set aside on the third floor for our training, we started off with training re the 7 steps to a proper handwash, spent perhaps a little too much time on that but I guess it does help to reinforce the necessity for proper hand hygiene. That was followed up by some interaction with simulated patients, which I find a really cool aspect of the LKCSoM. The idea is that next week, we'll have to interact with actual patients in the polyclinic, so rather than have us go in wholly unprepared, they have specially trained actors for us to practice on as well as to give us feedback, letting us know what we did well, and also what we have to work upon. Apparently I have a little issue with personal space xP A very fun experience, which hopefully will help to do away with the intimation factor that's always present in novel interactions, and make me a lot more confident in speaking to and dealing with strangers and patients.

Now on to the fun part haha. I applied to join NTU's shooting club again, which may or may not be a lamb knowingly going forth to be slaughtered once more. I initially had all intentions of doing it on a purely recreational basis, but after going for the trials on Monday, they (and by that I mean some random senior whose name idek) told me the club doesn't really have enough shooters on the men's rifle team (and all the other teams for that matter =.=) and that I'd kinda be on the provisional and possibly even main team by default. Since that means that trainings are entirely FOC and the minimum training requirement is about 3 hours a week, which I'd more or less been planning to put in in the first place, I wasn't too resistant to the idea. Shooting once more after so long was simultaneously frustrating and enjoyable. So many aspects of my 动作 which I'd taken so long to iron out cropped up once more, and my mental weakness has exposed itself once more, idk whether I was half-expecting for all these problems to have miraculously vanished, but there they are again, familiar adversaries, as if they'd never left me (or I, them). Shooting is a struggle for me, has always been, perhaps will ever be, but maybe that's why I like it. It is probably the purest form of introspection, so I'll carry on with it and see how things go. At the moment, I'm just glad to say that I'm Shooting Stuff once more~

Let's see what I did for the rest of the week: Attended a couple of JCRC rallies, incredibly boring but I was obliged to turn up to support some friends, went for an Archery fun shoot after playing "Inter-house" Captains Ball and soccer with some of my classmates on Wednesday (scored a totally random game-ending goal when Marcel's clearance rebounded off my shin to trace a fine trajectory into the goal trolololol) unfortunately I doubt I'll be able to join Archery, fun as it seems, the training commitment (3x a week for comp, Fridays for recre) doesn't really work at all for my current schedule, it does seem like an awesome sport though, kinda makes me think about the could-have-beens, but that's all in the past now. Celebrated Melinda and Willis' birthday as an OG past midnight on Thursday, and that's about it. DnD on Saturday was possibly a huge waste of money, though I'll try to frame this as positively as possible. Somehow I just didn't find myself quite up to it, never really got into the mood to enjoy myself. Bleh.

Ok, I'm off for dinner and after that, the match versus ManU hahah it's probably the reason behind my decision not to "bookin" to hall tonight, who knows whether I'd be able to stream from there, and anyway tomorrow starts off at Novena so I can afford to make the trip from home.

I realize that of late I've been dealing with "events" rather than thoughts or feelings, I guess I haven't really found it within myself to reach within and splash it all out, so this'll have to do for now.

A quiet weekend amidst a flurry of activity that has come to characterize these first couple of weeks of uni life. As I sit here shrouded by darkness, illuminated only by the dim glow of my laptop's LCD screen and the backlit keyboard in front of me, I still can't quie believe that this is really happening. So much material to study and cover before going to class each day, as I struggle to get the rusted cogs in my head moving, and on the not-quite periphery of school life; hall activities, friends and such, though I bring my laptop into camp hall every week I barely have the time to touch it, much less give its keyboard my customary loving caress.

Yesterday's lab practical was intriguing to say the least; another kind of electrophoresis, spectrophotometry as well as microscopic analysis of blood, our own blood, obtained via a tiny pinprick of the finger "Let me lance you" sounds quite wrong, doesn't it? Morning practical followed by an afternoon of mugging, eyes turned towards my iPad, frantically attempting to digest a series of lectures on metabolism (see what I did there? :P), Metabolic Pathways I & II, Oxidative Phosphorylation etc, material not exactly foreign to the A level curriculum but much more in-depth, and with the additional expectation that we should cover within a day - we're allocated 4 hours of prep time to be precise - what we'd take a couple of weeks to cover in RJ. Studying from 3pm-2am, till I got light-headed, and sleep, when I eventually allowed myself a respite, was fitful and disturbed with images of carbon compounds, biochemical intermediates, catalytic enzymes and the various pathways swimming before me, to be woken up and off for today's lessons, a mental wringing throughout the day bifurcated by an hour long lunch break. Mentally drained, sleep deprived, but I have to admit TBL (team based learning) is a very interesting way to learn, though there are some inherent flaws which I won't elaborate on here. And it's been amazing to finally and actually learn again, new input, new stimulus, more food for thought. The spirit craves, and dies when it finds wanting.

A good weekend, a meetup with dear and treasured friends, some distance, paths diverged and traveled, it's a sobering thought to recall that in the very near and immediate future we may all be scattered across the world, each pursuing our individual dreams. I want to remember the times we've had together, memories shared, walking down Orchard Road, huddled around in some bar, not talking much, but simply being, stupid things done together, and remain hopeful of the times we'll have together in the future as well. Foolish sentimentality? Perhaps, but maybe I want to be the one left in the room after the party's over and the lights go on, the one there to clean up the mess and tidy the place up, keep the lights on, for the next time. Why not?

A Sunday spent, I must admit, not in the most productive way possible, Monday's mugging frenzy was admittedly at least in part self-afflicted, discipline is something I'll have to enforce, if I want to have much of a semblance of a life in uni. The workload and timetabling is ridiculous compared to other courses, which is obviously to be expected, but I don't believe that I won't be able to make something out of it with the appropriate management, choices, choices, choices.

How could I forget, a Thursday, significant in it's symbolism,  a White Coat Ceremony in which we received the symbols of the profession. I know not how this tradition began, and tbh I'll admit that perhaps I was not entirely invested with the significance of the whole thing, but it is a significant milestone in our/my medical career; though I'm doing my best not to put the chariot before the horse and get too far ahead of myself. A start, after all too long a trip that began when I decided, on an impulse to submit an application to YLL 2 years back, the subsequent rejection, and the rollercoaster ride which was my application in the subsequent year. Now it begins.

Speaking of choices, a decision I found myself making that Thursday evening:  A decision between having my virgin clubbing experience (which is probably a damn pathetic way to put it) with my OG mates at Jash and completing the next day's lectures and ensuring I had sufficient rest before an early morning trip over to the Mandalay campus in Novena for a full day's worth of TBL. A decision possibly simplified as work vs play, and I went with work. Any regrets? Possibly, cause by all accounts those who went for it had a lot of fun, and that day's TBL didn't turn out to be particularly meaty, but still a more "responsible" decision (which has all kinds of connotations, different ones to different people) to make, influenced perhaps because I didn't think it too appropriate to go for it right after the WCC hehe.  Well anyway I don't doubt that I'll face many more such or even more significant conflicts of priorities and decisions I'll have to make, be it simply work vs play or something else, all I hope is that I'll be able to choose wisely, while still maintaining that all so crucial balance that's necessary to have an enjoyable and fulfilling time.

C'est tout.

I realize I may have been pretty lenient with frequent temporal skips and hopping back and forth along the timeline, but I've been, as always, typing as things come to me, and it does, to me at least, seem to form a narrative of sorts, so I'm leaving it as it is. It may be that when I eventually revisit this during my more idle/introspective moments, that it'll make absolutely no sense to the "me" then at all, but that's simply a risk I'll have to take~

Voyage du Monde

I've been procrastinating quite a bit (as usual) but I guess now that I'm at the end of a pretty hectic one-and-a-half-weeks it's as good a place to start as any, so here goes. There will, of course, be the temptation to hop rapidly from thought to thought; packed and messed up as the days have been, but for clarity's sake as well as to facilitate recollection when I'm in my dotage, I shall endeavor to maintain a certain amount of chronological discipline and we'll see how things go from there.

Hall camp was certainly an interesting experience, a great induction into Uni life if I may say so myself. I'd initially harbored reservations with regards to signing up for camp given certain shall-I-say unsavory rumors about some of the activities we'd be made to perform, as the infamous Social Development Network is evidently a huge sponsor. Those rumors turned out to be largely unfounded, and I'm really glad I decided to participate afterall, but I believe I'm getting ahead of myself. So, before moving on any further, a rudimentary timetable of sorts, more for personal reference than anything else:

Day 1 (Sun): Introduction, Ice-breaking games, Batch Dance, "War games", Fright Night
Day 2 (Mon): Games at Pasir Ris Park, Dirty Games, Telematch, SP Night
Day 3 (Tues): Amazing Race
Day 4 (Wed): Pool Games, "Running Man", Hall Initiation
Day 5 (Thurs): Mini-Olympics, SP Day, Dinner at the Grill @ The Flyer
Day 6 (Fri): [Cont from Thurs] Drinking games, HTHT, Prize giving, break camp, Sakae buffet

Hmm so on to the more notable parts, I'm not too good with names, especially chinese ones, aiyo, so it took me awhile to familiarize myself with everyone, ice-breaking games were pretty standard actually, encouraging the guys to split up and mingle around more (since my OG has 10 guys and 15 girls) though some guys needed no further encouragement heh. Double Whacko, as well as a couple of station games, nothing out of the ordinary there.

The war games were something really traumatizing for us guys though. We were made to sit in a circle with our arms and legs interlocked with the guys on either side of us, and the idea was for the girls of another OG to attack us and attempt to break one of us free from the circle, through any means possible, while the girls from our OG would stand within the circle and fend off their attacks. Sounds pretty simple, right? Needless to say competitiveness ensured things escalated very quickly, imagine hordes of girls descending upon a hapless guy who they deemed the easiest target, countless hands grabbing and untangling before taking hold of his legs and heaving, over and over again. A friend of mine who got thusly assaulted described the feeling "as if he were flying". And at the same time the defending girls engaging in a cat fight with the attackers, scratching and grabbing and even biting, urgh. I was fortunate enough to be right beside a "target" during the final round, it was freaking scary, with them trying to drag him away, trying to get me to unlock my arms, even resorting to tickling, I almost got kneed in the face, and all this while holding on for dear life.

Fright night certainly was interesting, they actually booked a couple of bungalows over at Changi for the event, being in E, our OG was the last to leave NTU (via chartered bus) as well as last to set off and come back. Loads of waiting time, we HTHT till we got so sian at around 2am that we simply stoned. I was paired with Jing Wen, who was so freaking scared she didn't respond when we had to proceed blindfolded, which kinda scared me too, other than that it was quite enjoyable, especially since the seniors put ALOT of effort into doing up the haunted house as well as with costumes and acting. One particular effect which involved a strobe light and a "demon" rushing towards me was really good (Y) Too high to fall asleep afterwards so we chatted all the way on the bus ride back before finally returning to Hall around 5am, a labored washing up before finally taking to bed.

Up at 8 on Monday with barely any sleep for an even busier day, after having a quick breakfast we were shuttled once more to Pasir Ris park for more games, before carrying on with Dirty Games, which thankfully literally dirty rather than figuratively. Ranging from lying down in mud to pass random ingredients face to face, leopard crawling through a mixture of soya sauce, sweet sauce and flour to pick up mud bombs to sling at an opposing OG, playing Captain's Ball, except with random food items: Papaya, Cabbage, Tomato, Squid, Chicken Feet etc, and also playing Dog and Bone with aforesaid mud bombs, things got dirty and disgusting very fast. A childish load of fun, though, followed up by a rinse in the sea to wash up before the telematch. Did I forget to mention that my OG despite not being that high is/was super competitive, mostly thanks to our SAs, as our GLs are pretty chill people. So we chiong-ed all the way for the telematch, came in first for the human centipede, won the human wheelbarrow even though both our participants were girls, soaped the heck out of Melinda and Jessica's hair to collect the foam in a bucket before rushing to the sea to "rescue" Glenda and rush her to the shoreline before finally performing a photo formation on the beach to come in first. Since when has "We cheat, we steal, we win" become an acceptable motto lol. Washed up once more at a public toilet/shower before heading over to Cranwell bungalows for dinner and cleaning up for SP night.

It's the first time I've ever heard of such a thing so I'll spend some time explaining it. Basically SP night is more or less like a literal blind date, we were all blindfolded, all the guys were told to line up by height, I presume the same happened to the girls, and brought to various locations around the place to be paired up with our SPs, who we'd speak to, while still remaining blindfolded. I was lucky because the seniors at the place I was at pretty much left us unmolested, while other guys from my OG came back with random stuff scrawled in black marker on their skin, and some even got um...injured at a pretty sensitive part of their body but anyways.... The idea was for us to find out more about each other, and the guy is supposed to guess at a later date who his SP is from among the other girls in the same OG, and be subjected to some forfeits if he guessed wrongly. The screwed up part though is that either one can choose to be untruthful when saying anything about themselves during the conversation, so it's really quite hard to guess. At least that's how it was supposed to be. In the end, though, since we weren't really given any explicit instructions, it just turned out to be a pretty normal chit chat session, except perhaps maybe a little less awkward cause the situation was so alien and not entirely of our own choosing. Almost everyone gets to speak to 2 SPs, with the girl getting to choose which of her SPs she preferred; guys have no choice in the matter (lol). So the second one actually chose me, apparently the first guy she spoke to was so cui they ended up playing some slappy game in lieu of actual conversation, we spoke for around an hour or so, strange how hard it is to keep track of time when you're blindfolded huh! Conversation was less awkward than rambly, coming up with random shit to talk about, being blindfolded actually helped me to be more open, which turned out to be a bad thing in the end (later!) before finally retiring for the night.

Amazing Race the next day was super intense, we "dog mode-d" all the way, initially got off to a slow start in the first station, which kicked off around 8, then had to chiong all the way to catch up, it was kinda irritating because stations couldn't be performed simultaneously so we were held up even though we'd already reached. Finally managed to overtake with some astute transport decisions to come in first for lunch, fell behind a little afterwards, before pulling ahead, almost lost it at the pool station before finally ending up first back to hall just a little before 1. Tbh while we were quite high from the constant running, we didn't really find the race very fun, probably because of how competitive we were being, it was basically rushing from one station to another, and the stations themselves weren't that interesting either, it was just a really tedious gallivanting across Singapore, with the upside I guess being that we got to know each other a lot better.

Pool games and running man, a good time to chill and recover from the previous day's exertion before the hall initiation at night. Really a tekan session, had to defend a guy holding a lit candle while being assaulted on all sides by shitloads of water while guiding him up a few flights of stairs, which obviously got us totally soaked for the rest of the initiation, doing PT at the carpark, having the girls drag the guys on tyres, which felt very paiseh, did duck walks and hops around a basketball court etc before finally returning to the hall to recite our creed and drinking a cup of foul-tasting liquid which signaled the end of initiation. Went back to hall to crash once more before Thursday.

Mini-Olympics were more fun, "softball" played with fishballs, blind soccer, captain's ball with a rugby ball, and some random marshmallow game, before changing up to meet our SPs. SP day was quite comedic in my case, not quite sure how to elaborate, loads of awkward moments and some which were frankly hilarious, don't think I'll be sharing them to any great extent here cause they're really quite embarrassing but rest assured it's not something I'll be forgetting very easily. Lessons learned, though:
1) Appearances, and consequently first impressions, really do matter
2) Do not apologize, repeatedly, even if things are going south rapidly, instead try to improve them!
3) There are certain unspoken expectations regarding a date which I was unaware of, which probably go a long way towards explaining how things turned out. Do take note!

My SP was really nice about it though, so I honestly don't have anything negative to say about her >.<

After the "date" we assembled at O' Learys Sportsbar & Grill for dinner and the night's activities, wow a set of earphones with my SP after dinner which was kinda awkward-ish before heading off to HTHT with the OG, then to the impromptu dance floor for some semi-clubbing. (I'm currently semi-comatose so do forgive my lack of description) then back to hall where most of us gathered in a senior's room for some HTHT and random drinking games till 6am before slinking back unceremoniously to our respective rooms. I was really struck by how generous Mitchell, our GL was in treating us to drinks with nary a comment, and also sponsoring the drinks for the drinking games. I had many sips of the mixture he concocted but didn't quite manage to get drunk.

After that we woke up, found out that our OG won in terms of points, collected our prizes, did the batch dance, then broke camp and had Sakae buffet for lunch. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, obvious enough, right? Unfortunately we failed to keep that in mind, and ended up having 9 plates of heaped with freaking fried salmon skin arriving at our table along with 2 platters of roe sushi, codenamed: That disgusting red shit. In our defense though, the pictures only showed about 4 slices of salmon skin, in what must be the first case ever of photos showing smaller portions than reality in history. It got super disgusting to the point where Swee Hwa was basically hiding the excess salmon skin under the pile of plates to be disposed of because the rest of us had eaten beyond the point of enjoyment, which was a huge waste because I didn't even get to enjoy the pink plate I was entitled to haha. Another lesson learned: Lesson is more, gluttony is a sin for a reason!

Well anyways to sum up my hall camp experience, I wasn't exactly the most open and outgoing freshie in my group, and that may even be an understatement, but I really enjoyed myself amidst the tekan and constant rushing about from Point A to B then to C, our OG was really on about things, and that probably contributed somewhat to the enjoyment. It served as a great introduction to Hall life and left me expectant of the various activities that Hall 3 has to offer, Hall life seems like it'll be really happening; and with some luck be an awesome way to spend the time after school surrounded by a bunch of people/potential friends to mess around and have fun with :)

Time to crash. Finally. Phew