I somehow feel like a thief in the night, sitting in the dark in my bedroom to catch my share of early morning football.

Anyway, I'll be off to Malacca in abit, so don't call me! I promise I'll do up a proper post when I get back, just in time for the New Year reflections kinda spirit :)

The good thing about life is that it's just the right length: It's long enough for you to swallow your regrets yet not so long that you shouldn't treasure every moment of it.

Life, nothing more, nothing less

Sometimes there's this feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me. It's nothing specifically rooted in the present, but rather a deadening awareness that whatever I do my life will be consumed by something quite indescribable. Say for example I could be sitting in the car with my mum, not exactly the best mood going on, awkward-ish conversation, and I wonder whether that's where life will lead me, going to work, coming back, stressing over making a living, to support kids who honestly care more about their own lives (which I'd no doubt be part of, but not a super major one), their own concerns; some of which they really won't be able to share with me. An adult life that mainly revolves around the familial unit rather than around the individual, and yet one permeated with a distinctly individual melancholy which simply can't be shared.

Perhaps it's simply my youth speaking and hopefully my perspective will change with time, when I get to experience the joy of parenthood perhaps, or maybe it's all about striking a balance, such that the self doesn't get subsumed in the whole, or maybe I'm just thinking selfishly, but that's what crosses my mind sometimes, and the sense of futility and despair that accompanies it. Is that all there's gonna be to life?

And yet it was a pretty good weekend. Out camp run at Bishan Park on Friday (verynice place after being revamped) which coincided with my L2 seniors' ORD - we spent the previous night making cards for them - and played street soccer afterwards till we got totally shagged out in the mid-afternoon sun, then was about to go home when I got a call from my mum for an impromptu lunch at J8. I happened to meet a junior I used to be quite close to who was flying back to China on Sunday, managed to chat a bit with her before lunch, which was nice. I had to return to camp that night, supposedly to help unload the tanks and bridges coming back from Wallaby but things were held up at the port so we just changed out of our servicings and headed home without getting anything done...Gedong is freaking ulu; luckily I got a ride home from my CSM, so though it was quite suay, it wasn't too bad. Also got to talk to an old sectionmate who was on duty as Alpha's COS for an hour or so; an upside to coming in 2 hrs early I guess? Friday, a day for unexpected reunions maybe hahah.

Saturday; I somehow got to HTHT-ing with my brother while hiding away from my cousin's uni friends who came over for his birthday celebration (damn anti-social hahah) and realized that we think pretty similarly in a pretty screwed up kinda way, result of upbringing probably, but it's cool to have one more person to occasionally talk to, now that we're no longer fighting so much like we used to xP

And today I finally managed to keep my promise to take my sis out for a movie at Nex, Pitch Perfect, which was good, then walked around a little, paid Sandra a visit at Yoguru, it felt a bit like taking advantage of her to get a discount and more yogurt but apparently it's a staff discount and she didn't mind so no prob I guess. Picked up my other sis from the airport; back from Paris, where she spent loads, and had a family dinner before bookin back in. Bookins are so freaking unwelcome nowadays, it's like I'm literally being ripped away from my family to come back to this place to serve, but I guess that just means I should treasure my weekends so much more. I'm becoming quite adept at compartmentalizing methinks, what happens in camp stays in camp, and I won't let it affect my mood over the weekend. And with my seniors' ORD-ing the mental countdown begins.

So that's it I guess. Life, that is. Nothing great, but not too bad either. Maybe instead of focussing on how dreary or whatever the big picture is, I should enjoy these little moments of serendipity whenever I encounter them, eh? And seriously, when you can talk bout how to control your farts so that the noise is diffused while in the car with your family, what's there to hate?

I would risk myself for you; but only if I were absolutely certain that nobody else was willing/able to do the same, and extremely reluctantly at that. A selfish little caveat, I must say, it won't be proven unless the situation arises, so till then you may treat it as abashed self-justification to make it easier to live with myself.

There's a certain tipping point I guess, beyond which the helping hand is not extended as freely and casually as it was before. It varies from person to person, of course, with some giving and giving, apparently with no thought for themselves, and others simply unwilling to offer without any benefits in it for them. I lie somewhere in between, obviously, and as time passes and I encounter various situations, most notably in the Army, I'm gradually starting to make out where that point lies for me, with close friends, friends, section/platoon mates, or simply Coy mates. It's important, though not the most savorable of tasks to make that distinction. How far out of your way would you go to help out a "mere" casual acquaintance?

Or should I continue to feel bad bout not helping one at a pretty great personal expense.

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Anyhow, it was an enjoyable weekend, I volunteered at IMH again on Sat, then met up with Mos and Merv to walk around Orchard Central before settling on dinner at Marche@313. The moment you step in you're assaulted by a barrage of smells, saliva-inducing visions of chicken being flame-roasted on spits, fried calamari, hugeass sausages, Rösti and so many other such offerings demanding that you get them right NOW. And it's so simple too; just scan the card and walk away with the spoils, hassle-free, and you don't really realize how much you've spent till you go to the cashier when you leave, and by then, it's too late xP The Rösti was very worth it though, I think I'm in love. Just look at it... I've dreamt up a particular design for a homemade potato shredder which should work, so maybe I'll get down to it someday. Till then...I'll continue dreaming hahaha. The sour cream goes very well with it, and it has just the right amount of crispiness from the frying mmmmm. The cream of mushroom is also damn good, very rich and I'd say quite worth it. We also shared some Kalamari Rings (also worth it) and half a chicken (not so much). Quite filling, and not the bloated kind too; it leaves you very satisfied and possibly a little eager for more.

Sunday we went shopping for my bro's grad night blazer; spent a couple of hours at H&M, and I looked around a little too, trying on stuff for once, but didn't really find anything satisfactory. Damn big difference from our grad night last year where I simply borrowed my uncle's suit; not that I'm (overly) jealous of course!

The ORD function ironically organized by the ORD-ing crew for us meant I didn't have to book-in Sunday night and we met up at Bayfront MRT Monday morning for the day's activities at GBGB instead. Not the most well-planned but a pretty good effort, and I got to explore the place a little more, which I'm thankful for. I'm determined to pay to enter the domes the next time I visit; they look interesting! The event culminated in kite flying at the Barrage, which was exhilarating, especially given the strong wind, good atmospheric conditions. I'm deffo going to do it again sometime. Pizza afterwards and that was it. I'm certainly envious of the ORD crew but my time will come eventually (there's less than 365 days till then!) so I'll try not to think too much about it and take things a step at a time, I've still yet to resolve this horrendous mess, which crouches just barely out of sight atm, just waiting to pounce.

That's it. Some friends are going through tough times recently, and I guess it'd be too cliched to say: "Tough times don't last, but tough men do". Nothing I can say/do will help, really, but I just hope that though the pain is undeniable, that they can stave off feelings of helplessness and despondence and remain strong through this and do what needs to be done. It's no fairy tale, there's no guaranteed happy ending, but you've got to go on nonetheless, yeah? All the best :)

All In Good Time

I guess there's much to be said about resilience; but there's something damn screwed up when you realize that we've inadvertently become a society which sucker punches you so hard when you're down that it's so much harder to get up again. It's disgusting to think about how so much work could be unravelled by a single moment of carelessness/indiscretion.

I blame myself, though. Should I expect any leniency?

Anyways I spent much of the day sleeping, somehow became unwell over the night, but it was a good weekend to cap off a horrible week nonetheless, and it helped me to take my mind off things. Met up with the guys on Sat after so long, though it took a little effort to coordinate the thing. Jack is damn epic, seriously: "Apparently I 'm having an appointment" hahaha. Dinner at Cityhall was pretty decent, and photobooth on Angie's MacBook was pretty interesting as well. It's a genius idea to turn what practically every laptop has (a webcam) into such a fun device with all the filters, transformations and so on with a seamless interface. Makes you wonder why Windows has so much trouble doing the same.

All In Good Time was a pretty cool movie, just the right length without being draggy; I'm not going to bother summarizing it here. Lot's of laughs, and it dealt with a lot of issues that may crop up in a marriage pretty believably as well.

Favorite line:
(When the bride and her mum were talking about sexual naïveté or something on her wedding night)

"Where do you think the karma sutra came from?"

"That's for export only, we never did it"

As an added bonus imagine it delivered with the stereotypical Indian accent xP

Black Wednesday...hopefully I'll be allowed to defer what transpired then with minimal consequences. Really a messed up day T.T

The sweet pitter-patter of raindrops outside the window is such an enjoyable thing in these early in camp mornings. Yesterday was surprisingly uneventful, despite it being Kyan's birthday. Waited at home for her to get back from piano but my mum ended up taking her out instead, and we had a mini-celebration for her much later that night, right before I left for camp.

Sat was a little more interesting though. I met an insurance agent for the first time; somehow I have this intrinsic distrust of people asking me for money, though it'll eventually end up back with me once more. It defies rationality really, I know that I won't have much use for whatever minimal amount I'd put in monthly but I'm still unwilling to give it up xP I'm still thinking on it though :) After that was helping out at IMH once more, quite funny cause the moment I stepped into the volunteer lounge they looked at me and said "Santa Claus", so apparently I've volunteered to dress up as the jolly old dude for their Christmas celebrations in Dec. We'll see how that goes :)

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It's possible to spin things so many ways, so many different perspectives, that it's a matter of attitude and outlook. But I'm gradually realizing that it's not always possible to rationalize things away, sometimes it's simply how you feel in the moment and so on that affect how you perceive life's narrative. I guess the important thing is to attempt not to let my mood control me; I mean going with the flow is good and all, but when things are going southwards, there's got to be a limit somewhere, yeah?

Study Break

It's been a great 4 days. Alot of time to chill, relax and unwind, studying aside, and the previous week in camp wasn't bad at all either!

Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up by pent-up emotions, and get so carried away by events, trapped in the moment, that you simply lose a clear perspective of things. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that guys go through mood swings too ><

I guess I'm a pretty unambitious guy *gasp* and I'm perfectly contented with just spending time with my loved ones, and...well...the extra time I've spent at home has led me to realize once again what I'm missing out on whilst serving NS. I hate the feeling of counting down to an impending book-in, of having to rush the weekly Sunday ritual, of not having the time to make awkward-ish conversation with my Aunt & Uncle when they come over at night. It's a very disrupted pace of life.

So I'll enjoy my book-outs, however transient, and look forward to the occasional long weekends as well; I've already planned out how I'll spend my outstanding leave - pretty much like how a working adult would, now that I think about it - which I'll be taking in the days following Christmas and leading up to the New Year, and there may be a few offs as well, depending on how Ex Hercules 2 goes, so that's that. I'll try to make the most of my time in camp though, especially after getting this pesky BMAT out of the way, maybe become a more proficient L2 operator, work on my fitness (how could my timing drop by so much 囧) read up on some things of interest, work on my Foosball, and perhaps most importantly, working on my HR skills, which have shown some glaring deficiencies of late; so let's see how that goes.

Robin Van Suarez (Y)

The kind of thing that makes you feel freaking fortunate to have seen "live".

Nothing at all

Well, I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment. It's not everyday that someone tells you that they have a problem with your character, namely inflexibility. Apparently it's problematic for them that I want to give my best in everything I do, and they brand me as being inflexible when I'm unwilling to comply. Note that I don't attempt to force my standards upon them, I've long since given up on that. So I go about it myself, quietly; that's my compromise, and yet even that's not enough for them, it's pressurizing when I do things up to my own standards, when I'm simply doing what I think is right. That's the first time I've encountered such a thing in my whole freaking life, tbh, and I'm not very happy about it. I'm not someone with a very well-defined moral code or anything like that, but all along I've done things by doing what feels right to me, and it's very jarring to hear bout this kinda thing.

  And I'm growing increasingly frustrated everyday; it feels like nobody even hears what I have to say at all, especially when it's something they don't want to hear. It's fine for them to approach me for this or that, and I'm glad to help, but they really aren't willing to accord me the same respect when I do the same. I'm very tired and put off by all this, of consistently having to play along to others' tempo while constantly restraining myself, keeping myself from doing what I want to do.

I just find it so hard to smile, when I'm not allowed to be myself.

I realize that there are people who think differently from the way I do, and never thought that I had much difficulty getting along with such people. I always thought I was tolerant but apparently that's not going to be enough. I can do my best to accept and accommodate, but when they can't do the same, can't accept me for who I am, then there's nothing I can do.

I could be angry, or I could be sad, but currently I feel nothing at all. Just this quiet resignation. I always wanted to not let anything get me down, but I'm not big enough to resist when the weight of the world comes crushing in.

There's alot to be said about self-control, EQ and what not and what I realized this week is that I have to stop letting my mood govern the way I act and react to things. When I'm angry I don't exactly let my rational side get away from me, but what happens is that it becomes twisted, magnifying perceived faults and doing its darnnest best to justify my anger, causing things to spiral out of control into a self-righteous rage. And I'll more often than not say something I regret upon cooling down.

Something I've tried is a kind of self-imposed exile, keeping quiet/to myself when I recognize that I'm heading in that direction to avoid any possible escalation, but that's just avoiding the problem temporarily. I don't profess to have all the answers, but maybe that's what I'll have to work on in the coming weeks, months and years.

The time in the army has changed me significantly, that's for sure, and I still feel quite awkward with myself, sort of like growing into a new me. One thing I do know is that I don't really feel at ease where I am right now, with the people around me. It's those convos that I can't comfortably participate in, opinions that I express, yet feel like no one's listening, questions that I ask, only to be received with awkward silences, the times when they make playful jabs at my expense and yet when I try to "reciprocate" I get shot down instead. Maybe I don't have enough ego, that ability to do my own thing without overly caring about how others respond, and when I do try to compensate, I overcompensate instead, and it just ends up being weird. Maybe I think too much, I over-analyze, and this keeps me out of things. The jury's still out, but I know things can't carry on this way; I'm falling to pieces as it is.

And I realize that I have yet to find closure, what with the way things ended, though ironically there was arguably nothing to start with. I'm a wreck.

Anyways, bookouts now are pretty much the same as ever, sans the sense of anticipation of what could be which I used to feel each time I stepped onto the MRT. Utterly unrealistic, I know, but that's just the way my mind functions. I'll move on, in good time, but move on to what seems to be the more important question. As for now, I simply need to focus and get this annoyance out of the way.

Had an outing with Amos and Merv again yesterday. There's a pretty good pizza place, Manhattan Pizza or something over at Orchard Central (was it?). We shared a pizza, pretty worth it imo, then caught Celeste And Jesse Forever at Orchard Cineleisure. Nice little movie about best friends who are separated (as in that thing preceding a divorce) and yet continue to hang out together, and how they move on in life. I'd probably watch it again haha, can totally see why Mos is a sucker for these types of shows. After that was a walk along Orchard. It's so freaking bright! Haha and I think I can get a little high when given the chance to express myself.

Paying more for handmade goods = A form of sadism indeed!

Just think about it, assuming 2 somethings - I don't really care what - appear pretty much identical, and of similar quality, the only difference being one was machine-made while the other was painstakingly made, maybe by some elderly man in the mountain, the last scion of a dying craft (I love my melodrama); branding aside, which would you buy? Which would you be willing to pay more for? Forgive me for hazarding a guess but I'm pretty sure most would say the latter. Or even better, give someone 2 identical somethings but tell them that one's machine made while the other is handmade, they'd probably choose the second once again. Why? Is is simply because we automatically assume that something is of better quality simply because more human attention has been paid to it? Does it give us a nice fuzzy feeling inside when we think about the chair we sit in, or the clothes we wear, or the rugs we tread upon being painstakingly and lovingly carved out/stitched/whatever over hours and hours? Or maybe it's some kind of perverse sadism; we simply love the idea that hours of blood, sweat and tears have been invested as some complete stranger toiled over the thing that we're so casually sitting in/wearing/stepping on.

Or maybe it just makes you feel special. In a world where it's all too easy to feel yourself drowning in anonymity, where anything you feel adept in, undoubtedly proud of, someone else can definitely do better, maybe wearing something that someone out there dedicated themselves exclusively to makes you feel all that more unique. Who am I to judge.

I realize that I'm selfish, I crave exclusivity. I don't mind sharing what I have with others, but I want it to be clear that it belongs to me. I guess I feel the same about relationships as well, which perhaps is why I'm so plagued by that emptiness. It's immature, I know, but it's something I can't help as well.

Ex. Hercules 1 Plus

I went out for my first exercise with Alvin just last week, wasn't supposed to be the one going but Aaron happened to sprain his ankle quite badly so I replaced him instead. We went into it blind, having been "briefed" that it would be a simple one day affair, no need to draw weapons, forceprep our fieldpacks or anything like that; apparently we just needed to be there with our L2, chopchop go out, come back and that was it. We had no rations, didn't know the order of move, signal set frequency etc, totally unprepared. Things gradually worked out, though, as I managed to link up with our temporary PC, but it was kinda nightmarish, as we drove along with the convoy, or stoned in the tank when we halted, often for long stretches of time, watching night inexorably fall, and with it all hope of returning to camp that night completely extinguished.

What followed were a couple of firsts. Our first proper night launch, where as V.Comm I had to do a proper bridge site recce along with the PC and a security party, examining the far bank with his NVD, eventually picking a spot that turned out to be quite inappropriate...and my first time guiding vehicles across the bridge at night, from 9/10 all the way till 12 midnight. It's freaking stressful and tiring as well, I pretty much lost count of how many vehicles I guided over that night, straining to see in the darkness, where I could only make out faint silhouettes, making it completely impossible to align them properly to the bridge. Being blinded by the BO lights, the torchlights of the supervisors on the near bank and the occasional flashes from the retard who kept on taking pictures didn't help much either. Must have been a pretty perilous experience for the drivers haha.. There was some mixup in instructions after that was done, and I kept on having to guide my L2 from the side where we were parked into a position to retrieve the bridge, only to be instructed to guide it back again. Parallel parking ftw. I was chastised by some Captain after that for my choice of launch site, then finally got to retrieve the bridge after 4 hours of waiting, after which we rejoined the convoy to Charlie Mike.

Blah blah blah, I just realized that maybe I shouldn't be posting so much about it, suffice to say we drove around, halted for long stretches of time, had to constantly monitor our fuel gauge, which was dropping to dangerous levels; we were in constant fear that we wouldn't be able to make it back to camp if the exercise carried on any longer, as it threatened to do so when we went into hasty deployment at some large clearing. I was freaking starving by then, had conked out idk how many times in the tank during the many halts while waiting for the next instruction. At that point we were miserably contemplating having to perform our camouflage drill - just the two of us - in pitch darkness in the middle of the night. Luckily however, when the OC gathered everyone for a briefing, he basically said that they were just screwing with us, and that we'd be returning to camp that night.

So, it was a tiring, but also a positive experience I guess, in showing how our MEC fits in military exercises, and I also got to see how our military operates on the ground. Although the organisation itself is ponderous in nature, with so many inefficiencies so glaringly visible, it's also obvious that our soldiers aren't just for show. Our commanders have a pretty decent situational appraisal ability, and the men are competent in carrying out their instructions as well. It was pretty cool to listen in on their signal transmissions as well, hearing the signallers and commanders use militaryspeak, what punch through Malcom axis, link up idk what, concentrate forces along somewhere XD

Went out with Amos, Angie and Merv yesterday, caught Ted, had a good chat, played L4D2 and capped it off with Double Down Chicken at Astons. It was a pretty good day. It feels so different somehow, carelessly talking to a couple of close friends, freely talking about whatever I feel like talking about, reminiscing. Thanks! And it's these kind of moments that I recollect ruefully as I lie, alone in bed at night in camp, moments few and far between in the hustle and bustle of life and amidst a sea of uncomprehending faces, moments that I treasure all the more because of that. Pull me back when I'm sick and tired, stay by my side when I'm being all too callous, you have my thanks, and I'll be sure to return the favour.

No Time for 'Next Time's

Anyway, it's time to sleep. There's admittedly not much to look forward to for the next year and a half, no overwhelmingly huge milestones, just the same schedule pretty much every week, so there's tedium right there. Perhaps I'll try zooming in a little, try to recapture some joy and purpose in day to day life, and see if I shan't find some measure of success there.

I always find it hard to maintain my motivation for long periods of time; it's not that I don't see the huge, over-arching picture, it's just that as a whole, it doesn't really appeal to me much in the short-term at all, and I sometimes find it hard to directly relate what I'm doing, here & now with what doing so should get me sometime in the future. Is something wrong with me?

It's always possible to do practically anything next time, cause that means we don't have to do it now. Though the future is undeniably chock-full of potential, there are some things which shouldn't be put off till later, cause otherwise there's never going to be a good time for them. I'm honestly quite sick of the term "there's always next time", makes me feel a little uneasy whenever I find myself using it, to me it rings too strongly of hollowness and unfulfilled promises. Perhaps I'd find myself better served by simply moving on, moving on, moving on.

Release the Kraken

Been wanting to post for awhile, but I've been delayed by procrastination, and also after coming down with a bout of flu the past 2 days, may have something to do with the air once again, as well as the week's *ahem* exertions.

I'm pretty sure I've never been as freaking exuberant as during that single moment when we marched off the parade square, having received my chevrons from my mum. As we marched off, a reminder from Warrant Brydon to "behave ourselves until we made the turn", and to "release the kraken" Davy Jones style right after that. After rounding the corner, pretty much all of us started to run like mad, charging down the slope, guns waving wildly, shouting at the top of our voices, all the rigidly controlled energy from 3 full, tiring days of formal parade rehearsals released in that one awesome instant. I'll forget it in the future, no doubt, but not easily, that's for sure. Then we formed up for re-entry, quivering with excitement, singing the song with (a little too much) gusto, performing the roar, and that was it. We milled around endlessly on the brightly-lit parade square, taking tons of group photos under the glare of the floodlights, exchanging countless high-fives, fist bumps, and hugs, with the closer friends, calling each other "Sergeant", over and over again, the word still fresh on our tongues; giddy with exhilaration.

It ended after that, pretty much. And that's it, isn't it? Very often we spent so much of our time working our butts off, for something that lasts only minutes, or slightly longer, if we're lucky. And maybe that's the way things should be. Sometimes there's this mindset of over-entitlement, like putting in something should always yield proportionate results, but thinking that way can never be realistic. Maybe it's precisely because so much effort yields so, so little, that makes the little that we get magical and miraculous, something to be cherished and treasured. Idk, really.

Anyways, lots more responsibilities now that I'm a specialist rather than a trainee, and I'll make sure to discharge them to the best of my ability.

8 months into NS is not the best time to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It's just this general feeling of helplessness that's engulfed me over the months, a small nagging voice that tells me that I've got no control over my own fate. I need to find the strength in Invictus, and I can only hope that things will change for the better in the coming months.

Anyways, had a pretty busy weekend, spent more than a couple of hours at the Botanic Gardens, pictures over at my shiny new Tumblr, I just hate how Blogger connives to mangle any pictures I upload, so that's where I'll put stuff not quite unworthy enough to be posted on FB xP

Now, it's off to Pasir Lebar for the last week of CAT term.

Okay, I'm finally done replying most of the birthday wishes on FB (not that I found them a chore, quite the opposite, really) and also done with Kiwi-ing my boots for the end-of-course ceremony tomorrow (done in record time too, it's quite simple with my little trick) so I've got a little time to play around with till it's time to go to sleep.

I feel quite fortunate that we get to stay out, both tonight and tomorrow, as you really get to do so much more with your time. It's also a great way to chill, after today's tedium.

Last week was physically taxing, what with having to clear the path leading into D801 of more than a year's worth of accumulated mud/sand/dust/general debris, shoveling and scraping for around a day and a half under a pretty merciless sun, and while breathing hazy air. Follow that up with daily runs, PT and sports and games thrown in for good measure and we were understandably pretty shag by the end of the week. I've played more soccer over the past few weeks than I have in my entire life, which is quite pathetic, but you've gotta start somewhere, right? I'm horrible, and almost exclusively right-footed, which is to say I can sortta pass and shoot with it, and do next to nothing with my left >< It's fun though, and I enjoy those nightly King of the Court matches we have at 38 SCE. On Friday, we gathered our belongings and transferred them to the adjacent MEC block, marking the end of our course at ETI. There was still a lot of stuff to bring out, though, and I almost died (hyperbole!) lugging my backpack, assault pack and handcarrying my parade boots all the way to the guardhouse, with a detour to the emart to purchase a new rank and a couple of badges.

To say I was disappointed after last week's announcement would be a major understatement, but I was more or less anticipating it, to be honest, and was braced for it. I guess I can deal with it; no disappointment is too large that I can't get over it with a couple of night's sleep and much self-dialogue; though I'd have to admit the wound was ripped open once again during today's ceremony. Oh well, I'm 100% sure that when I look back on this a few years down the road, this little thing would be the least of my worries. And at least now I can relax, but this behind me and focus on what I have to do.

Now, all that's left is to let the warm darkness of slumber embrace me, Nights~

I realize now the importance of having people around you who get you, or if they don't at least endeavor to do so. There's this particular void in my life right now, where I find myself bereft of meaningful, enjoyable interactions, where I can just carelessly be myself without fear of being made fun of or summarily judged, or at the very least, having to endure moments of awkwardness. So thank you, friends, cause it's only without you guys that I realize how much you enabled me, in so many different ways. And now it feels at times like I walk a lonely road, no matter how many people I have trudging alongside me. I crave understanding, recognition and respect, and without it, I feel like I'm slowly losing myself in the crowd.

Am I special? Am I unique? Am I actually worth something? I guess no matter how much one may natter on about intrinsic worth and so on, external validation is equally important; a buttress that keeps the house of cards from caving in. I don't want to care, yet I ultimately do, which is a freaking messed up situation.

Anyways, this chapter of Gantz is pure win, go take a look.

Something should be said, I guess. The weekend passed, very quickly. I only wish I had more time to spend curled up on the coach, cradling and devouring a book at my own pace, but alas such luxuries are few and far between. Saturday I helped out at the range at my coach's behest, which I would have felt bad denying. Spent a couple of hours there, had lunch, met Amos, went over to Nex with him, chatting along the way, about things I haven't let my brain dwell upon for oh-so-long, it was quite satisfying; a release, in so many ways. Let him to his welfare farewell, while I had dinner with Merv and Jack, and Amos joined us after he was done. Another farewell, there, with Jack sailing off with the navy in a few days time. Seems like everyone's taking their leave, in one way or another. People going off to school, if they haven't already, and even set awash by the currents of life; I can't help but wonder when, if ever, we'll get back together again.

As for me? I'm left with the not-quite entertaining prospect of the next one and a half years in MEC, which I'll probably be talking about in the not-so-distant future, so I'll leave that till later. I've had to endure so much frustration the past few weeks, I really hate it when people judge and pigeon hole, saying "oh, he's always like that", and no matter how hard I try to break perceptions, nothing ever changes. Nothing ever changes. Guess that goes for other things as well. It's frustrating. I want to lead, I want to be assertive. I know that I have ideas, and I want to communicate them to others, in the best way possible. Yet to get shot down by people saying "you think too much" or to simple not have the crux of the idea get across effectively, then one other guy coming along, repeating the exact same thing, only a little more forcefully, replacing my "we" with his "I", and the rest then going along with it. Why? Are my attempts at inclusiveness, at fostering discussion and so on, only ultimately self-defeating? Should I not bother at all? Or is that to be my lot in life? Someone trying, struggling, really, to transform himself, yet seeing his efforts ultimately futile, always futile. And I can't help but think plaintively, and a little pathetically, "Why don't things go my way for once?" But I guess I have to realize, and have been forced to realize the reality. That the world at large doesn't really care about the fate of individuals, there's no narrative where events will suddenly swing in my favour, the world doesn't owe me anything, nor do I have any great entitlement. Yes, I may work hard, but sadly, that doesn't entitle me to get what I wish for, such is the way of life. JTB, LL, Suck thumb.

Yet maybe it's when you lower your expectations that you can really have something to hope for, so we'll see how things pan out, eh? I should just cut out the whining and go to sleep. The week awaits.