After being a 电灯泡 for practically the entire day; I feel so damn bright now XD

Haha but a little better than yesterday; where I was suddenly overcome by a wave of melancholy after that Chem mock test. Wandering around a little; feeling quite lost. I got over it; eventually; and the company for dinner, although a little brief; was awesome. Haha I can usually get through the day somewhat; but it really helped alot. Thanks!

"A hungry man is an angry man" was something that kept popping up for some reason during those queues for MMM. And it's true! Could feel myself getting so riled up about the porousness of the queue; especially those extreme cases where some guy/girl gets a chair; plants himself at the head of the queue; only to be joined by the rest of the world it seems later on. Irrational thoughts linking that to a lack of moral fibre and character; and decrying the deterioration of things to the point where such a thing had become commonplace and accepted. It took some work for me to get myself to calm down; it's natural; of course that some people think that their needs are more urgent than those of others; and less sarcastically; that while I may decide to hold to my beliefs; I've got no right/reason to go enforce them on others; not for such a minor thing. Not that I have the ability to, as well!

I realize what a judgmental creature I can be when you catch me wrong; which really isn't what I wanna be like :(

All such concerns vanished after getting my food; when my main preoccupation became whether I coul finish that freaking mountain of food heaped on my Tupperware container. So much for priorities XD

Heh, a note to all aspiring dictators out there: People do tend to let alot of things slide if you just give them enough to eat. Revolutions are centred around ideals; true, but it's the starving masses who've been the driving force behind them; is it not? Go figure.

Something I've been thinking about: Seems like the world's gonna be (or already has been) handed over on a silver platter to those with an overly-inflated sense of self-entitlement. It's inevitable, really. A thought that I have to admit sickens me; to some extent. I can't be bother to frame my anti-thesis here so go ahead and think what you will.

Meaning in the futile

Words so imbued with raw emotion; the taste of bitterness was tangible in the air.

Asking "Why?", questioning, and struggling to understand.

These questions, they gather; caught up in the wind, spiraling, tumbling; paper planes flown off a cliff.

Only to eventually fall; swallowed greedily by the abyss.

The abyss does not answer.

And as you gaze searchingly into the abyss; so too does the abyss gaze into you; calling out invitingly to the it which resides within you.

The questions flow freely; but ask as you may; you'll never get an answer to assuage your worries; renew your faith. Only despondency awaits; for unanswered pleas. And yet they still have to be asked, even if they aren't replied, or - even worse - are answered with a simple "Because." There's meaning in the asking; power in the refusal to bow down before the abyss; and that's fine for me, treading the fine line on prespice's edge.

Sounds abit emo I guess; but it's an honest sentiment, something very recurring; if I may put it that way; and I think I just found (I hope) the right words to express it.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness

"There is a candle, in every heart
Some brightly burning, some need a spark
Light up your passion, compete with courage
Ignite your candle, ready to serve

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world

So take the candle, touch every heart
Work with integrity, giving your all
Take up the challenge, dare to excel
Respecting others, serving with pride

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world

Carry your candle, even in darkness
Seek out the knowledge, goodness and truth
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Shine forward brightly, go light your world"

Suddenly found myself thinking about the second of Rosyth's school songs (yes, we had 2)Back then, we'd just sing it without thinking about the meaning; but now I guess I really "get" it.

As you grow older; you realize that it's not an easy task at all; to light the world with your flame, to keep on going even when surrounded by darkness... Heh, but we're not alone, right? Let's all keep our candles burning and set the world ablaze.

Arsonists, let's go! XD

 

 Dependent, Passionate, Patient, Lovely????

Cool :D Funny how the rest of the words start to pop out after you look at it for awhile; yet the first 4 seem to come almost instantaneously.

Haven't done any/much work over the weekend. Ooops. Feeling slightly guilty but I'll just treat it as unwinding time.

"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world"

Just for a moment, yeah? Was lying on a poolside deckchair yesterday night; staring at the sky. Very shiok feeling, can kinda feel your focus shifting upwards and outwards, endlessly, into something greater than yourself.

Helped out with a little patching up of the false ceiling at home today; some cosmetic work for potential buyers. Freaking funny, cause this hole in the ceiling would leak water every time it rained; so my auntie taped a blue funnel over it to funnel the water for collection in an empty bin. Can't imagine what they would have said if it'd been left like that. A little mesh and application of plaster later; the hole was sealed; albeit a little very sloppily D: I don't have skill ranks in Profession: Renovation afterall. Quite an interesting experience.

Just spent the last 2 hours flaming giving constructive feedback on my bro's WR. Now that I think about it; we were lucky to get Mr Koh :)

Haha maybe not doing what you want to do when you wish to do it; because you know there's something more important to be done is a form of maturity as well.

And so the shackles of society are in an instant transmuted into a badge of honour.

A little amusing to see how many ways I can spin something; which believe it or not; I haven't indulged in for a pretty long time.

Some things just aren't worth getting agitated over XD life's short (touchwood) and I can't be wasting my energy over every retard out there (and this is one of the few times I'll use such a derogatory term); and I've got no obligation to correct them as well. Heh must remind myself not to 袖手旁观 when it happens to others though.

"Apart from the pulling and hauling stands what I am,
Stands amused, complacent, compassionating, idle, unitary,
Looks down, is erect, or bends an arm on an impalpable certain rest,
Looking with side-curved head curious what will come next,
Both in and out of the game and watching and wondering at it."
Walt Whitman: Song of Myself

And you realize why it is that delivery is so damn important; and not just for FedEx (and they freaking live to deliver)

Strange Heart

Went back to Safra; chatted with coach a little; collected my suit and went off for dinner.

I thought I'd feel something more; revisiting a place of accumulated memories; yet I couldn't help but feel that it's moved on without me; and I've moved on without it. Not just the range; but the sport itself. How was it that in just the span of a few months of being apart that the emotions have become so muted? I remember back then excitedly talking about how I would pick it back up after the As; possibly buy my own gun and so on; and yet now when Coach just casually posed me the question; all I could give was some non-committal response. Kinda makes me feel like all that self-conflict and feelings provoked last time were all so shallow and superficial.

Maybe the lesson then is that no matter how much you may love or have a passion for something; if no effort is dedicated to sustaining it; time will gradually and steadily erode it; until it becomes a mere vestige of its former self.

But to me at least; this begs the question: If so, if we can "get over" pretty much anything in time with minimal feeling of lost; as we also lose the capacity to actually care that we no longer care about it; how do you know what's worth fighting for; what's worth dying for?

Cat and Mouse

Going down to Safra Yishun later today to retrieve my suit. Anyone wants to come along? =D

A little episode of phail occurred after dinner today:
Went back up to class only to see a couple of guys with their bags going down the corridor trying the doors to the darkened classrooms. Crap. So I went to the room I'd been using before going down for dinner; and the door refused to open. And my bag was inside. Shit. Apparently the zealous security guards lock up all the unused classrooms while making their "final" rounds at 7 without checking whether there's anything left inside. Bleh. I spotted a couple or them on the 1st floor of Block A so I ran down from Block B, went across the amphi...only to see them walking into one of the lifts. Okay; not so bad. So I waited awhile, saw them get off at level 6 and took the other lift up. When I got out; the corridor was dark and empty. A hesitant shout "Hey, is anyone here?" didn't get a response. (Idk what I'd have done if a voice responded though..) Ran up to the 7th floor after that; same thing; except maybe a little darker. Felt like playing some ridiculous game of cat and mouse lol. Second only to that time last year scouring all the usual hiding spots for someone who'd gone MIA. Anyway, I went to the 4th floor after that and chanced upon another security guard (not one of the 2 guys I'd been chasing after; I must add) who was kind enough to open the classroom for me and let me resume using it. Lucky. Idk what I'd have done otherwise.

So if you'd just give me the key?

Similar thing happened the day of farewell assembly; come to think of it. I left my progress report stuff under the table 囧

So lesson learnt: don't leave my stuff like that around 6-7ish even if it's to chope the classroom. Saves alot of unnecessary trouble.

It's freaking dark outside when it's late; especially when the outside lights are off. Can barely see anything outside; not even people walking past. And I was starting to get a little frightened when seeing even my reflection on the window moving a little in my peripheral vision as I shifted in my seat. This white thing moving around...haha I think I'd freak out if some joker decided to try and scare me.

In need of a dose of belief

That time, I kinda wanted to say, "yes, very much so." haha but coward that I am; I kept my mouth shut. So I don't have a right to anything now, now do I?

Sitting alone in the class, pen scratching intermittently on paper; I can just about succeed at convincing myself that I want to mug; that I freaking enjoy it.

Cast everything aside. The search for my presently absent soul can resume some other time.

I used to think I was strong enough to be who I wanted to be; do what I wanted to do; whenever, whatever. And yet increasingly, I've been confronted with noting but my weaknesses, one after another parading mockingly before me. Now I'm left waiting and hoping for these chains to disappear; I don't think I can break them anymore.

When faced with problems; I've always looked within myself for the way out. Gazing without in search of a solution is a pretty unfamiliar and slightly frightening experience.

This: http://www.tenmanga.com/chapter/FrankenFran57/254722-21.html

And the subsequent page as well.

I realize that I'll probably be judged based on the genre; but whatever. I find the tone and treatment of themes horribly interesting and intriguing. Kinda like Golden Boy before all the smut and borderline hentai.

Heh, more or less given up hope of working at home now; way too many distractions. I don't mind just sitting down and doing papers and such; but I need the isolated space so my corner in the living room really isn't working for me. Guess I should turn in early and drag myself down to school tomorrow.

Random video that I suddenly remembered watching super long ago. One of the more notable ads I've ever seen, no doubt.

All the good hallmarks of an awesome ad; which I recall mentioning in GP sometime earlier this year. Sadly, all I got was the all too familiar WTF response...

The second hand unwinds

I was wrong, I now realize. Maturity isn't about being right; it isn't about justice. It is about being able to set aside the ego and adopting a conciliatory position. Sounds easy; I guess, but it's incredibly hard in practice; for me at least. Perhaps because I'm still immature. I suppose it's also about knowing how to pick your fights; when in the passion of youth, we tend to get so hung up about every little thing, when sometimes it's best to just let go. It is about compromise - and not merely a grudging acceptance either - a concept which I notice is strangely foreign to; or even regarded as poisonous by so many of my peers.

Farewell assembly wasn't as poignant an experience as I had expected; particularly in contrast to our Sec 4 graduation. Perhaps in part due to the repeated stabbing of my heart and wrenching of the knife around to consign myself to the mugging mentality; but more likely because it doesn't really seem like it's over lol. Next week; I'll be going back to school same as always; attending lectures, taking mock tests. Probably so caught up in the general A's mood that it hasn't hit me that hard yet.

Currently; all that I can ponder about is the question: Is this the end of my destiny with RI?

Yes; "Once a Rafflesian; always a Rafflesian", or so they say. Yet I can't shake this nagging suspicion that the powers that be would be much less welcoming of the - let's say less illustrious - of their alumni.

And I must admit that after 6 years of being a Rafflesian, I still find myself struggling to grasp the essence of the "Rafflesian Spirit". It's glaringly obvious that throughout these 6 years; incessant attempts have been made to forcefeed us with the entire ideal "package" that's currently in vogue. But is that it? Somehow I don't think so. To me at least; the Rafflesian Spirit isn't something so trivial that it can be summed up in a catchy little tagline that even our teachers find themselves unable to repeat with conviction. Nor is it the mere experience of passing through the school system; while there is no denying that we are horribly privileged, there's not much difference content-wise from our "competitors", is there? Heh, this may sound horribly cheesy; and may reek of elitism - I don't know - but I think that a lot of the significance is historical; an inherited legacy. I felt it most strongly from my PSLs during Sec 1 Orientation and it just stuck with me I guess. A feeling of responsibility not only in the way you carry yourself but also to society, and towards those that come after you. You just kind of receive that "message" from those that come before; and it's your job to carry it out; and in doing so; you exemplify it and pass it on.

It's something ageless like that; flowing from past to present; form changed, perhaps, but undiluted in essence that I find myself truly in awe of. And being part of it's continuity - although my name will be neither recorded nor remembered - is to me; a great honour. And responsibility; of course, never forget that.

It is the prerogative - and indeed expected -  of old timers to complain about the modern state of decline. And maybe it's true that we're losing the spirit; as we pursue individual excellence. But I don't think so.

I remember this little joke that Sherri mentioned during her exco election speech:

A panda walks into a bar; orders some bamboo, gobbles it down; then pulls out a gun and kills the person seated beside it before making its way out. As it walked out; the bartender summoned his
courage and timidly asked it; why in the world did you do that?
In response; the panda pulls out a dictionary and flips to Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.

A horrible pun,certainly, but I think none/few of us were like the panda, who took its fill of what the bar had to offer; and caused trouble before leaving promptly. We've received substantially; true, but I'm certain we've given back in our own capacities as well. Haha and if you haven't, there's still time; if not before the As, then after :D

How's my heart supposed to be in the right place when its on the left? :/

I don't feel like an A level student at all; and that scares the shit out of me. (not literally; thankfully)

Sometimes you go along thinking that by the time IT comes you'll be ready. That's how I felt, at least. And yet now it's looming and I realize I'm so bloody unprepared. T.T

Just gotta do it, now. I excel when it comes to the crunch; or so I like to assure myself.

Life may seem sucky; everything may seem to conspire against you; and nothing may seem worth doing. But don't let anything stop you from doing what you want to do.

Lingering regrets.

Interesting little thought that arose as I was endlessly "suanning" my sister; who was getting agitated cause I was insisting that she was hard-working. Well, the main source of her agitation was that I was strongly implying that the source of her pretty decent results was the hard work she had put into studying rather than any natural smarts on her part.

And well, it's pretty strange, isn't it. Would you rather be praised for doing something that's under your control; such as working hard is; or for being endowed; "gifted" in a sense at birth? Apparently she thinks it's way cooler to be naturally talented as there's a certain air of effortlessness involved. And of course; there's always the thought that one would be able to surpass all his/her hardworking but not as "gifted" peers by simply putting in the work on top of the talent. Bleh.

Well, after years of mixing with both kinds of people (and in fact, people who fulfill both as well), I guess all I can say is that in the end; it's the results that matter; sad to say. If you're supposedly talented yet you mess up because you didn't put in the work; then well okay; you can go around saying "I would have done better" or "I'm actually better than that" but nobody really cares, right? You deserve it. And if you put in the work but don't have the validation for it...well I'd applaud you for the effort but it's a pity that the world is a cruelly pragmatic place; isn't it :/

Moving on

Pretty uneventful; except that over the past few days; we've been having these property agents come over to give our house a once over in preparation for sales. We'll only be shifting somewhere around Dec though. Amidst all the discussion of what to bring over; how to arrange the furniture etc; one thing I've had to face is the realization that I'm extremely resistant to change. Find myself being kinda grumpy about the whole thing; unable to get excited about it; and tending to point out the negatives. I'll miss the coconut tree out back; the wind rustling through its leaves as I sit in my little corner of the living room just beside the window; pondering over this or that. And the mini-bamboo forest in front; quite majestic in its height. As I walked home today; I still found myself unable to get over just how beautiful I find the neighbourhood; though there aren't any "lights dancing over the treetops like a candle flame"; it still paints a picturesque evening scenery; walking down that avenue of trees silhouetted against the sky, a little longkang happily bubbling its course.

And I don't want to lose it all; is what I'm trying to say; to be relocated to a foreign neighbourhood; a house without the unique "soul" that makes home what it is: the scuff marks on the parquet floor left after Beyblading in years long past, that conspicuously missing toilet glass door which shattered in an ill-considered moment; gracing me with a scar on my wrist. But what's past is past, and perhaps that's where such experiences belong; to be consigned to the depths of memory; coated with that glossy veneer finish and looked upon fondly. New experiences await; new memories to be made; and maybe that's not so bad after all.

But it's still alright to be sentimental about all of it, right? :)

Just putting down a random little thought I conceived just a while ago while showering: How about a treatment for myopia that focuses on renewing the ciliary muscles rather than reshaping of the cornea?

Committed so many should-not-have's today but it's settled; I guess I've settled.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Pretty weird; cause when you think about it, the eyes are merely these roundish orbs embedded in our heads; and when taken *ahem* out of context, they pretty much look the same on a superficial level. So why the prevalence of expressions such as "look me in the eyes", "I can see it in your eyes" and their ilk? Interestingly enough (and I read this in a book on body language) for us Bio students; the pupil doesn't only dilate and constrict in response to changes in light intensity. In fact; there seems to be a correlation between the extent to which the pupil is dilated and the level of interest and engagement that individual has with the thing at hand. And when shown a series of pictures of eyes (only the eye; mind you) with varying degrees of pupil dilation; the subjects surveyed consistently found those with wider pupil diameters as instantly more "trustworthy and likable". So 'pparently, we're all awesome enough to notice such minute details such as the size of someone's freaking pupils and process certain implications on a subconscious level. It's near-instantaneous; this understanding that arises from the briefest crossing of gazes. Awkward... xD

As I walked home today; I felt within me a "snowball" of sorts, rolling, gaining in size, increasing in speed. Don't really know what form the end product will take myself; but you know what? Somehow I don't feel like being bound by convention, rules, or what others think of me. An outrageous yet exhilarating feeling. Haha; all sorts of thoughts were zipping through my head; faster and ever, like I'd just miraculously recovered from a yearlong concussion. Provoked in no small part by stuff that that guy mentioned when talking about the Commonapp essays. Semi-interesting story there; I decided to go on a whim; wanted to see how the essays were supposed to be written even though I'm not even going to be submitting an application there; but I wasn't disappointed! Those essays seem like they'd be really fun to write lol; I kinda suspect it wouldn't be too far off from some of my better posts, so I'll try my hand at one over the weekend if I can make some time for it. I've got an idea already!

Haha; basking in that aura of invincibility that overwhelms me during my "moments" feels really refreshing. Trains of thought come and go faster than the most kanchiong of passengers can board or alight; lines criss-crossing, intersecting and even colliding to give birth to a network that would induce nightmarish fits in even the most hardened of commuters. The world is sharp, perfect, in focus and I've got everything perfectly sorted out; it's perfectly clear and I'm invulnerable, indefatigable, indomitable, irresistable, and so, so, exceedingly insufferable, I realize xP It feels absolutely awesome, is what I'm getting at. Then the light fades; and the brilliance pales. The moment ends. And I'm left feeling a little confused; unable to grasp exactly what it is that I've lost. And horribly insecure; that of course.

Okay, that's enough WTF-is-he-smoking inducing for today. So I shall just leave you with some quotable awesome from the obligatory wise old woman in the awesome Brilliant Legacy:

"The destiny between people is not only determined by blood; but also by our hearts."
"Sympathy is common; in fact you could say that all humans are able to empathize with and pity those who they see are suffering. Compassion is so much rarer; it's what makes you stop to lend a hand."

N.B. A little awkwardly paraphrased, I guess; and the meaning has been sadly twice-diluted. They sounded so much better in Chinese. Now just imagine how awesome they must have been in Korean..

Je ne comprends pas.

Seriously. And sometimes I feel like I may never be able to do so.

Is it time to eschew it for action? But that is so unlike me > <

I feel so indescribably fortunate that each day; I return to a home brimming with life; and that I get to spend every night surrounded by the warmth of family.

Requires some reminding, at times.