I've lost myself somewhere along the way. It's not that I hadn't thought things through, but now with things the way they are, I'm being forced to reconsider, and oddly enough, I find it very disconcerting. Can't help my feel that I'm very half-assed in the things that I do; sorely lacking in passion and determination, and that possibly because I'm relatively open-minded about things, and have a pretty laid-back attitude towards the things I do, which I'm starting to find very detestable. It's not something anyone else can help with, no matter how much I want someone to confide in.

KYan: Guess what? I got 11th in my class!!
Me (a little asshole I guess): Out of?
KYan: 40! I got top for Chinese
Me (genuinely impressed): Congrats!
KYan: Guess my L1R5?
*random guesses, and she bobs her head ever upwards, till I guess 18*
KYan: You were looking at my head right! It's 11! (Troll much -.-) Guess my Poly L1R5?
*shows 3 fingers*
Me: 3?
KYan: 8 la
Me: Do you want to go poly?
KYan: Yeah
Me: Why?
KYan: Because if I fail JC I'll go poly anyway!
....
*takes the iPad from me and goes off*

Field Camp the II

Fieldcamp this week was rather more memorable than the one we had during BMT, which can probably be attributed to the 'favourable' climate this time round. I'll never forget the hours spent - on two consecutive nights, no less! - late in the night and in the wee hours of the morning, hours spent staring morosely into space as rivulets of water found their way through our seemingly non-existent groundsheet (the waterproof lining was compromised, you see) and soaked me to the core. The frantic scramble to set up shelter in the dark proved to be an exercise in futility. Merciless skies unleashed their fury on us throughout the night, and on the second night, sheet lightning flashed through the sky, followed shortly by resounding roars of thunder, from all around us. We were in the middle of the storm, and atop a hill, furthermore, and were seriously praying and fervently hoping that we wouldn't be the catalyst for yet another safety timeout, yet another condemnation to safety in the SAF.

-TBC First Parade beckons

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I realize what I want isn't for you to like me, or anything like that, but rather to hear from you, for all the good that'll do. Grevious foolishness on my part, that.

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Slipping, sliding, scrambling up the treacherous slopes, yet another downside to hilltop life; panting uncontrollably while making my way up with the fieldpack to setup camp; hoisting the MATADOR across my shoulders, and the occasional trip up after returning from the training shed below, heaving a jerry can - nearly 20kg - along for the journey. Even with rotation it was still freaking tiring. And of course the trips up and down made in the dark, simply hoping not to fall, or that if I fell, that I wouldn't land wrongly and OOC from it.

Hours spent sitting in the mud, trying to make myself comfortable, all kinds of positions; iLBV on, iLBV off, sitting on my rifle, leaning against my fieldpack, lying on my fieldpack, sitting crosslegged, rifle across my knees, so on and so forth, doing absolutely nothing, nothing and waiting, random musings passing through my head, the future, first and foremost, but that for later.

The second night, huddling together under the groundsheet, legs curled into fetal position, donning my Goretex, a source of much comfort, a ward against the shivering. Curled up alongside Yan Seng and Theodore, not saying a word to each other, commiserating in the shared situation.

Section Battle Course, much toned down than previous years, yet messed up nonetheless, conducting Fire Movement up the hill; literally 'chiong sua', hilarious when I was the IC yet unable to climb up as it was too muddy at my location and requiring Janus to clamber up first to offer me a hand, when I was taking too long and the rest were several bounds ahead already. I wasn't the only one who had that problem haha.

And of course the simple act of proning on alert, uncomfortable with the magazines pressing against my abdomen, aggravating already present abrasions. Yet you realize there's a certain trick to it; you fidget a little, try to find the most comfortable position, and simply do-not-move. Rest your helmet against the scope, or your chin against the cheek rest, or various other "styles", and settle in.

And of course, the heat rash, a still-present reminder of the days that passed, prickling me into immobility, forcing a slight tightening of the back, and testing my resolution to keep my hands at bay, to not descent into a fit of frenzied, uncontrollable scratching at an itch which simply refuses to leave me alone. Practically the whole company was afflicted..guess that's what happens when you can't bathe for a few days, and changing into fresh clothes is rendered ineffective due to the constant rain and ever-present moisture.

Abrupt end. Pizza in the bunk is simply heavenly.

NE more of this and I'm gonna explode

Is it ever acceptable to be a "Good Trier" without ever having the results to speak for your efforts? It's really a question of whether it's the process or the results that matter. Not too sure where I stand on that. Of course I'd like to be able to obtain both; impossibility of "obtaining" a process aside, and of course the process is important, but it sucks to not have an external validation of sorts.

And someone told me that he respected me today /excites hahaha how often does one hear that to the face XD

Well anyway, had a horrific 5-10 mins today, but other than that, I'll be fine. Managed to set a PB for the SOC today morning, and that despite having taken the IPPT the day before. Kinda makes me feel proud for not having taken the easy way out and excused myself (as the IPPT-takers were given the option to do) and instead making myself do it.

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Sometimes events that befall me are so ridiculous that I can't help laughing, despite suffering as a result of aforesaid events occurring. I feel like elaborating on the camera chase that played out over the past few days, so that's what I shall do:

I somehow found myself in charge of presenting a board game my platoon adapted (or rather ripped off) from an extant board game for an NE presentation. It's a really really really (I can't quite summon the relevant superlatives, so cut me some slack here) complex game which isn't quite suitable to be presented to large groups. So I found myself with a dilemma. Cause you see, encik had requested/demanded/ordered that we do up a game of some kind - influenced no doubt by the presentation of Charlie which had wrested the trophy from us the previous bactch - and to present it in a captivating manner, and moreover to complete it on a tight deadline. I realize I need to correct myself. I wasn't a dilemma I found myself with, but rather a steaming fresh pile of shit that had somehow landed itself squarely in my hands. Being who I am, I wasn't inclined to engage in shit-slinging and ended up trying to mold the shit into something comprehensible. This "plan" I had in mind involved taking pictures of various set-ups of cards and board for use in a mini-skit of sorts; not the most original of ideas, I'll readily admit.

Anyways, as I alluded to earlier, obtaining that camera was a bloody pain in the ass. (painful imagery, that) Seems like the whole of Bravo is armed with but a single camera, which happened to be drawn out by Platoon 3 just when I needed it. No problem, how long could they take, right?

Wrong. They held onto it for a day and a half before finally returning it to the company office. But. (There's always a but) But they removed the memory card; took it out of camp, in fact, to work upon their video during Wednesday's nights off. And that after repeated attempts to hurry them up. Bandied around the idea of passing the cards and boards to Ying Hui who was going home for him to take the required photographs but it was a no go, apparently cause my partners hadn't finished drawing some things. No matter, can always use the camera when I get back, right?

Wrong. Turns out the WO in charge of the camera took it with him/locked it up (I don't really know which) when he booked out at 5+, and they couldn't sign in the memory card without him being in camp, so on to Thursday, with the IC's promise that he'd return it ASAP. Okay, still one more day till Friday, a little squeezed for time, but still doable, right?

Wrong. They only managed to return the memory card after an arms drill which stretched till 10+, after which I went to the Coy office to look for the WO to borrow the camera. No such luck, he wasn't in. Went to check the store (he's in charge of it) and he wasn't there either. Spied a familiar form at the smoking corner so there I went, taking a deep breath before sallying forth. Mission accomplished (finally) right?

Wrong. Turns out I was one step too late; some of the commanders/higher-ups had taken the camera for a recce of our field camp site, they'd be back after lunch. So up to my bunk I went, fretting over the script which I wasn't sure how to resolve, not to mention the recruitment of my "actors". Down for lunch and back again, first thing I did was to go to the Coy office to borrow the camera. Asked 2IC; YES IT'S THERE, HALLELUJAH. Signed it out after the relevant paperwork and left after entrusting it to some of our OOC personnel to take the required pictures; we hadn't completed the day's activities, you see. Gao Ding! Right?

Wrong. The pictures weren't good enough, as I realized upon first glance, so I did it myself later on. FINALLY. But nope. SAF has a security policy, you see, we aren't allowed to insert/connect storage mediums to our SAF-issued laptops, so any data transfer from the camera to the computer had to be done using the 2ICs terminal. And yet by the time I realized that the pictures taken were inadequate and did the required retakes, 2IC had booked out for the day. Cursing the lack of initiative of the OOC personnel who'd spent practically the whole day in the Coy office with the 2IC, there was really nothing I could do Thursday night except fret endlessly over the whole episode, and ranting sporadically to the more sympathetic of my bunkmates, while sharing endless bouts of laughs at how bloody ridiculous the whole thing had become.

And by the time the photos were finally transferred over to the internal system, there was undoubtedly insufficient time to do up a passable presentation, as I had been planning to use the slides as a visual aid for the presentation. And thus, an onstage crucifixion  (not spelt crucification, my bad).

On the whole, events weren't totally within my control (a gross understatement methinks) but I could probably have done alot more towards remedying the situation had I the foresight and been more assertive as a leader. Hope the negative ramifications aren't too much for me to handle.

Cause you're here to swim along with me

It's been a week of much irritation for me; despite the relative lehpak-ness due to that safety timeout. Where I had mentally prepared myself for fieldcamp at Tekong, I now found myself spending much of the time at the coy line/in bunk. And yet I've found some joy in all this, in the realization that I've been blessed with some pretty special bunkmates. One who reduced me to tears (from choked back laughter) over the course of a presentation; in front of the OC and half the company no less, and others who've willingly descended into this cesspool of shit I've found myself stranded in to offer a helping hand.

Something I've found to be an extreme pain in the ass though, is the whole bunch of procedural nonsense which has effectively left me with my hands tied in my attempt to see a certain project through to completion. I've mastered the bitter laugh over the course of the week, as I realized how ridiculous the situation in which I am mired in is; a situation which has only escalated, as more and more stupid little things get in my way, the epitome of course being my "quest" to lay hands on the company camera; the Holy Grail for my endeavours, within this restricted area. Typically, once I managed to get it, after a couple of episodes too ridiculous to be worth mentioning, and having captured the required pictures, I'm now unable to make use of them, due to that little technicality regarding the insertion of storage devices into our NS laptops. Go figure :S Presentation on the morrow, and I can't do anything at all ><

Helplessness and stress certainly don't go well together, but it's helped alot to have people to b!tch to about it, and who are willing to help despite how dubious and shaky the whole endeavour sounds. Thanks :)

Sometimes I feel damn bloody lonely. Can anyone really understand? Do I even understand?

Tradition

In SCS:        Lights out: 2230
                    Reveille: 0500

At home:     Lights out: 0530
                    Reveille: ????

And now that my weekly ritual's almost complete, I can go to bed

So I got rejected

Mr Ngan: Hi Christopher. How's med applicn?
Me: I was offered my second choice, Science.
Mr Ngan: Haiz. Students like u, christopher, r the ones who should be doctor. One of ur tutors said students like u r the ones we wouldnt mind teaching for 10 years. I nodded in agreement. Tcare.
Me: Thanks alot, really! Don't worry about me..I've decided to pursue an interesting education wherever it may take me..may need your help next year as well, hope you don't forget me! Hope I'm able to go down sometime to thank you properly.
Mr Ngan: Gd ure taking it well. Proves us right.

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Cause my army phone really doesn't have much sms storage space.

What are words, eh? Nothing but vehicles for thought, carriers of concern, empty if there's nothing else behind them. Maybe I tend to read too much into things, but I was touched, though it's such a simple gesture. I'd gotten over it already, but appreciated it nonetheless.

It seems like people are making plans for me, considering things, and idk whether I really want to go along with them. Good thing I still have a couple of months left before I really have to make a decision. Why is it that I can be so certain in camp yet come back to be subject to such external influences and pressures, and find myself being swayed to some extent?

Well anyway, I believe in a greater plan, beyond that of my/your/our comprehension. The plan isn't infallible (cause nothing ever is) but the groundwork has been laid. Nothing is certain, of course, since you can plan everything out nicely, such as we did on our NDS/Navigation Data Sheets (Oh I love the NS acronyms) but if the people on the ground don't do their part, or unforeseen obstacles pop up in the way, the plan may just go awry. No choice, detour and get back to navigating. And now it feels like I've de-talced the map limiting me to my AO and I'm seeing everything for the first time. Daunting, yet ultimately inspiring. FOCUS!

So, navigation, simply put, learning how to use the mighty prismatic compass, and an exercise which involved climbing up and down a hill somewhere in the area (codename can't be revealed) looking for checkpoints; without many defined paths, traipsing our way through the deadfalls, vegetation and drops while attempting to maintain the correct azimuth. And at night, stumbling, up and down the hill, trying not to lose my footing for fear of becoming OOC (a noun, a verb, an exclamation and so much more) and joining the pikachu platoon to eventually become a private. Dreadful waste, that. It was quite fun, in truth, especially when I imagined myself having a bird's eye view of the whole affair; cadets crawling over the hill like ants, albeit horribly pixelated, each squinting through the prism, each traveling at slightly different angles to each other, crossing paths to curse about the exercise or ask for tips about the next CP before proceeding once more. I found the section level one a little pressurizing, especially when taking point. It's lonely in front, and when you're in the middle of the forest, hill sloping up to one side, trees all around, it's quiet and you don't really know which way to go, and can't ask for help from the back, like seriously "Hey guys, I think we're lost! Any ideas?" and can only pick a direction, keep on heading uphill, and pray (I use the word loosely) for the best. Thankfully I managed to guide us to our objective, sparing me the eternal scorn of the section.

I'm determined to do well in SCS, not to wayang, nor because I harbour hopes of crossing over (the stories are terrifying..) but as a personal challenge to myself. To become more fit, and to push myself, as I did during the morning's 5km run, which I found quite okay, actually, and to make the most of the time I have there, now that I have a pretty fair idea of how I'll be spending the next year or so. I don't hate NS, and I'm pretty happy to be where I am now, in a relatively conducive environment, so we'll see how things turn out.

Get over it

I seem to run through the five stages of grief pretty quickly, though perhaps I may simply be arrested at Stage 1, only time will tell. But for now, I'm pretty fine.

Dare to dream, and have the resolve to follow through on it. That's what I shall spend the next year doing, to fulfill it with confidence, not step in with naivete. A friend told me once that to become imba you simply have to follow your interests and allow yourself to become immersed in it, without allowing laziness to overtake you. It may be a pretty hefty detour, but I hope to make it worth the effort. Much discussion awaits over the weekend, and I know I'll have to deal with betrayed expectations, but I think I'll be able to get through it.

It's been a pretty interesting week at SCS, shall write more about it later, since I have some SDL and quizzes to be done with xP Let's just say I feel more motivated to perform in here now (not that I wasn't already before!) and to maximize all that I can get out of the experience to develop my assertiveness, confidence in presenting myself and leadership as well. Hehx, all three sound pretty similar now that I think about it, but oh well.

Dota 2 (Y)

My hair just got raped by my mum. I guess I shall have to say that I got assaulted by an errant barber on my way to camp =.='"

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Write for me, so that I can understand, write to me, so you know I do too.

But what are words, eh?

I don't think I make much sense these days; it's much like plucking fragments of thought and dumping them here. Without the contextual knowledge, an overall blueprint, it's pretty much impossible to piece them together in any meaningful way.

A fistful of sand

It's over.

Paths diverge, some branches get cut off. Such is the way of life. No use railing at it, for that's the way things are. It's already happened; I realized myself awhile back, and did nothing to arrest the progression. For that's what I'm trying to see it as, a natural progression, a given, that nothing I do will prevent. Something that is neither undesirable nor desirable but simply is. So why should I try now? Maybe we cup sand between our palms, not out of any particular wish to retain it but rather to enjoy the sensation of it flowing out of them, through the smallest gaps and cracks. Later, we repeat the process, with some grains kept, new grains introduced, and others irrevocably lost to the winds.

For me, all I can do is look towards next week as a turning point. Or perhaps not a turning point, as all the work's been done leading up to it already, but rather an unveiling of the future. My future. It's been at the back of my mind, bothering me, really. Can't get into things fully with this expectant air about things, as I await the unfurling of a map, the unrolling of a tapestry.

Ah and yes, I think I am very much fked up.

Aside, the KFC Double Down is smth that looks sinful but is ultimately not worth it!

And I'd probably be a depressed drunk :/

Spent late morning at Safra Yishun helping out at the shooting range; at a kid's birthday party. Not much else to say haha..

I try to keep buried the part of me which succumbs to anger and despair, after peppering it with volleys of optimism and positive rationalization. And these arrows fly fast and true. And yet it sometimes refuses to die, or rises from the grave to once more rear its ugly head. At these times I have learnt to stay quiet, to not let a word spoken in a moment of anger (and my head is practically brimming with these once I get on a roll) slip through my lips, to not inflict my despair upon someone else.

Words. Paltry yet powerful, if one would only pause to let them sink in.

My aim - one of them at least - is to be someone you'd never regret trusting and/or confiding in. Have to be alot more conscious of myself and the manner in which I do things in order to work towards this and accord people the proper respect. I've come to realize that people interact on a couple of levels; some more superficial and ranging to a deeper one. The former is more or less a prerequisite for the latter and one can't hope for too much of the latter as well, if not the relationship becomes very "heavy", which isn't too good as well. As it is in all things, balance is key XD

And sometimes, words aren't enough; will never be.

Mission accomplished, yesterday, though I sure did take my time :X Things started off well at first, I woke up at 5.45; not intentionally, of course, merely the result of having an early night and NS conditioning, but immediately went back to bed again, partially dressed for a morning jog =.= well I finally managed to get out of the house at 12, initially simply to go down to the library at Nex, and get some stuff for in-camp use as well, but after awhile I just decided I'd stay out a little longer, and after discovering that the journey really wasn't as long as I had thought, set off for BTNR. Couldn't not live up to hopes afterall haha.

It felt good to get out of the house, and just walk around the place, though I didn't see much wildlife except for spiders and monkeys (no spidermonkeys unfortunately haha). Was quite cool to watch a spider spin its web though; it had the main framework up already, and was basically hopping from strand to strand in a circular manner, laying the strands of silk. It was much faster than I expected! I shan't go into the cliche about finding it a peaceful getaway from life, but I think I made the correct decision in going down :) I actually went to the top this time, panting a little; short of breath thanks to the steep steps..which probably speaks volumes about my physical condition haha. Should probably have taken my time instead of rushing, but the light was running out so I decided to abandon my search for spiderwebs in favour of going up instead. There wasn't much to look at, tbh, but it seems like a good place for a picnic, advice by NParks to not bring food into the reserve notwithstanding. Maybe next time, when I'm not going down alone xP

Had some pretty stupid stuff happen to me yesterday, some of it of my own doing and others completely out of my control, like getting stealth bombed by a ninja bird such that I didn't even realize it till I turned and noticed some crap on my left shoulder. And before that, going to the wrong place at NEX was simply disastrous; stepped in wondering why it looked different, an open concept kind of thing to capitalize on space and functionality maybe? Only to look in horror when I opened the door and saw something which shouldn't have been there, or rather I shouldn't have been there. The gasp emitted when someone saw me was enough to make me apologize profusely and make a quick exit. The signage could really be alot more visible, though I have to admit I wasn't really paying attention.

Numb. Maybe it's time to give up on that hope in my heart and move on. Argh I think I've gotta get out of the house. Can't be spending the whole day cooped up in my room, with my thoughts for company, and allowing this screen in front of me to drain away my vitality. The internet offers little solace, or maybe I simply haven't found the right sites.

I keep waiting for a reply each and every day, in hope that with it, the path forwards will take shape, and I can stride forwards once more with renewed determination. A yes/no is all it'd take, really.

Freaking awesome. I don't even care about yesterday's disappointment right now. Now to crawl into bed and make the most out of the day :)

Pain is temporary; the rewards, while not eternal, are slightly less so. Look beyond the moment and fight with the end in mind.

Aching quite abit now, but that's probably the mindset I should take into tomorrow, it's served me well for the IPPT and SOC so far. I'll never be one of those uberfit guys who can seemingly run nonstop but I can do that much at least haha.

Though I find it more than a little hard to rationalize and marry the concept of knowing your body's limits and "listening to your heart" to fall out if you can't take it and the concept of pushing yourself via mental endurance, cause when I do, it really feels like I'm going to die, in that instant. Quite cool once I manage to break through though, a really liberating and empowering feeling.

Some things can't be understood, and that's perfectly fine. But other things merely obstinately defy understanding, which I find a little irritating tbh

We have a little LAN cafe going on, which is pretty freaking awesome. Kinda worried what it's doing for my fittness though.

I don't really believe in a single person forcing his own point of view upon others; while I know that it's necessary at times, that's not really my style of doing things. I'd rather incessantly badger them about it, and leave them alone if they refuse to come around, while sulking myself in a corner. Which is probably why I don't make a good leader hehx.