Whoa: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/04/21/080421fa_fact_paumgarten?currentPage=all

Leap of Faith

I can't organize my thoughts into a coherent post, so here goes:

Elation that the As are almost over; yet consumed by a sense of lost-ness as well.

The removal of the "blinders" of our education system has let me see how vast this plain actually is. I'm the kind of person who doesn't fare well in an Open World RPG; where you aren't locked in by quests and targets (though there is a main storyline) as I tend to feel at a loss for what to do. You simultaneously want to do everything and yet stand in inaction cause you don't know what to start with, for fear of making a mistake.

I've got to rid myself of this fallacy of rightness, and quell this desire for a perfection that doesn't exist, lest I obtain the exact opposite of it. Cause it's so easy to just sit down and twiddle my thumbs (an overused cliche, I'm aware) while waiting for the "right" opportunity.


So, I'm unsure of exactly what it is I want to do; yet 6 years of formal education have at least shown me where my interests lie, which fortunately enough, I seem to have an aptitude for; unlike my unfortunate affair with shooting (though I haven't exactly given up), something which I am thankful for. Now the only thing holding me back is the worry of where these interests will bring me.

I like to know what I'm getting into, you see; and rarely is it that I can find the confidence to take a path without the slightest idea of where it leads. And yet now I must. Must let the winds of fate (another cliche!) sweep me up and carry me where they will and hope that Fate smiles upon me kindly.

And perhaps I can draw comfort within this uncertainty; that this is something all of us have to go through, a shared experience. And draw strength from the knowledge that I have the resilience (probably) to survive whatever buffeting the winds put me through.

Failing all; recent events have reassured me that I'll always have people to fall back on. It's quite inspiring, really, to see how family support each other in times of need; though we may bicker, quarrel, and make snide comments about each other at times.

The end of the As herald the end of one phase of life and the beginning of another. We set sail from the same port; this safe harbor of ours, for (relatively) uncharted waters.

And where we'll end up, nobody knows xP

I do sincerely hope though that our time together doesn't end here, and if we don't follow the same path, that our paths intersect frequently and joyously. Godspeed.

Rambling repetition; but that's what a blog's for, right? I certainly didn't produce an essay plan for this particular endeavor. I'll do a proper As roundup after Bio on Thurs; don't want to get ahead of myself.

Pretty much exhausted all the MCQ resources I have at my disposal and I'm still not confident :o

Well it'll be over soon, one way or another..

Waiting for my sis to collect her PSLE results. Kinda anxious

Life, interrupted

I woke up freezing; almost completely immobilized by the shivers that wrecked my body. The residual effect of a particularly intense dream, perhaps, or maybe the logical outcome of spending the night on the cool marble floor, fab turned on full blast, amplifying the chill following an early morning shower (of rain, that is).

It was a strange dream. I usually dream of stuff more grounded in reality, but I guess a few hours of Skyrim followed by Towers of Midnight did wonders for my imagination. It started out pretty innocuously; but I somehow ended up wrestling with this guy who was gradually morphing into a freaking bear as it progressed, claws penetrating my hands. All part of some "game" where depressingly enough, the only way to win was to let others do me in. Got struck cruelly by freezing jets of water; cold exemplified, and I woke up (pretty similar to a kick in Inception, now that I think about it) freezing, outright shivering, even more than in the damn MPH at its worst.

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Whee.

As if it wasn't obvious enough, I spent the whole of yesterday in utter debauchery (I love using hyperbole), playing around with Oblivion, and reading this book I borrowed on the way home after dinner with the rest. It felt quite liberating to finally be done with the written papers (apologies to those taking H3 XD)and to be done with econs. Kinda satisfied with what I managed to crank out; the most I've written for an econs paper; so I'll accept the result I guess.

Still coming to terms with the fact that it's pretty much over (complacency issues aside); quite anti-climatically in fact. I can't help but wonder whether much of the major things in life are like that; intense in the buildup; with the climax coming and passing easily. Well.

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A pertinent question, methinks:

How does one start to live life again; having put it on hold for so long?

I'm rather optimistic that the coming weeks will hold an answer :)

I hope this mess at home sorts itself out :/

I'm playing witness to some horrid drama; or perhaps involved in one, if you consider close relatives being involved as some form of involvement.

I won't go into the details. quite private I guess but it's been a quick study in the collapse of life. Kinda makes you wonder what's the point of working so hard; expending one's efforts in the struggle when everything can crumble apart so damn easily.

Finished reading One Day by David Nicholls awhile ago; my sister borrowed it from a friend, I picked it up to take a look, and couldn't put it down thereafter. Quite a poignant read, wasn't trashy at all, and I can only wish I could portray such emotion and fluency in my writing (I can't).


"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players"

We're quite the consummate professionals. Regardless of how dilapidated the stage we stand upon; how shitty a script we're handed; how empty and uncaring the audience; we carry on, persisting in our given roles; and never, ever, jump off the stage, or refuse to stage the show. Propelled by the irresistible force that is Life. 

I guess family is simultaneously your greatest potential 克星 and the only thing you can fall back on in times of need.

I use "克星" because I don't have a suitable analogue in English xP "Enemy" is too harsh a term; while "rival" doesn't quite cut it. Just an opinion of mine, anyway, cause nobody has quite as many holds over you, an intimate understanding of your weaknesses, nor the fine edge honed over years of experience arguing with you; and is just basically as perfectly placed to harm you than a family member. And the seeds for conflict are definitely there. It's amazing (not really) how all those past arguments and misunderstandings; set aside with the tacit understanding that life together has to go on, without really being resolved, and eventually forgotten; how they immediately come broiling angrily to the surface of the broth that is family life, bursting and releasing this distinctly unpleasant flavor.

Quarreling with others is unpleasant enough; but at least it ends there, usually. But with family it's different. One thing leads to the next; setting off a series of once dormant landmines, and you end up landing a glorious x88 combo; welcome in a game of Bubble Breaker perhaps, but definitely not IRL. It can get ugly; that's what I mean.

And you think it's bad enough in childhood; when you'd think you're still establishing the rules of engagement; you have shrill arguments between sisters involving snarky comments and the occasional chopper-wielding rage-induced chase and complaints to Dad and Mum. But everything tended to end there. Scale it up; as years fly by, adulthood comes knocking, and I've observed that the intent - the almost instinctive lashing out in response to some perceived slight, some dreadful injustice; to inflict something and garner a response - is the same; but well, everything's so much more severe.

Semi-rant but whatever. Just hope things end like they usually do: With everyone a little embarrassed at their behaviour; exchanging sheepish looks and mutually agreeing not to bring it up ever again.

Until the next time, of course.


Just witnessed some proof of familial bonds though; unhesitating assistance and support even amidst all this 5h!+ that's been happening, so I'm feeling hopeful :)

The worst kind of disillusionment

Throw me a line; and give me a sign.

Through I guess the writing's been on the wall for at least awhile now; with me adamantly refusing to see it.

I'm finding it hard to distance myself from this material world and ascend to one of thought and ideas; freely flowing, unfettered by the deary constraints of reality.

I believe (believed?) in a spiritual existence transcending or at least running parallel to our material one. Yet it becomes so hard to believe; after witnessing the ugliness born from a firm entrenchment in the latter to the exclusion (somewhat) of the former.

Gotta spend the next 3 days getting my writing up to speed; while the inner critic can't help but wonder why this issue wasn't addressed earlier on.

I remember berating my sis once as being shallow and superficial after overhearing a conversation she was having with a friend that revolved around the loss of a mark or so in this or that math test. Heh ironic then that I find myself doing that as well.

But then again, tests are probably the most common denominator between any particular bunch of students, so they're bound to be a talking point; especially in the aftermath of a 'major' test.

I'm just not feeling it. I should be overwhelmed by the importance of performing in them but I can't. I won't jinx myself by talking bout next year; but yeah. With all the buildup from the start of the year (and arguably even last year) it all seems very anti-climatic somehow :/ haha but it's good that way; let's just get the As and go off without any drama; I have serials for that, even though life itself may be a little lacking ;)

General trend for Cambridge 2011? Expected the unexpected. And of course; to pray* to the forces that hold sway over the Bell Curve; a curious entity spoken about in only the most reverent of whispers. For it holds the fate of us lowly mortals in balance. (Assuming we fail some one-tailed XYZ-test at the 30% level of significance)

*Godlike entities not included.

Really a case of 谈钱伤感情...

Ninja cold; damn.

I think I'm so freaking lazy and such an awesome procrastinator that if you told me that I'd disappear in 7 days if I didn't flick this switch; I'd wait till 11:59 on the 6th to get around to doing it.

Why has Hayate no Gotoku been so didactic of late? Seriously..

In other news; the Blue Hand of Death makes its return; albeit attached to an Arm which feels like its falling off.

It's fun to make light of things sometimes; helps to undermine the gravity of the situation and provides much needed pressure relief, much like parks and green areas do.

Is it okay to use the AQ as a thinly-veiled appeal for sympathy from those Cambridge markers?
I'll get back to you about that come April 2012 (provided the world hasn't ended,of course)

So it begins..

Chem today wasn't horrendous; but not as good as I'd hoped.
Prepping myself for a shitload of writing tomorrow. GPGPBIO URGH. Hope inspiration strikes as I attempt to put out something for GP tomorrow.

It's the subjective subjects which are most frightening; there's so little you have zero control over.

But we do what we can, I suppose. That's life.

And I've already started thinking bout what I'm gonna be doing a month from now; foolish, isn't it? :P
See you at the end of this tunnel; as we have the roller-coaster ride of our lives

Suffered a minor panic attack when I couldn't find my entry-proof but it's all fine now *phew*

You won't ever see this; that's for sure, but whatever.

I'm sorry that I'm so meaningless. The words - or thoughts, at least - are there; in the somewhat shallow recesses of my mind, yet my brain freezes up, and my voice fails me; and I end up blurting out the first thing that pops from the mess.

The more I care the more strongly I am afflicted, a personal failing I guess.

But I'm truly sorry; anyways.

"I've never heard that before"

I'll endeavor to make it so that that phrase when directed at me; will be accompanied by awe and amazement rather than a look of complete and utter bafflement.

Guess I should feel fortunate that despite my frequency of accidents - tripping over LT chairs, falling down LT stairs, sitting on broken LT chairs and falling, knocking into doors and most recently; 'surfing' (sliding) on wet drain covers - I'm still relatively healthy and well (expect for being perhaps a few knocks shy of where the 'special' line is drawn *hehe*)

False elation, over things trivial; no doubt and I've managed to reach 8 once again, 6 when tired.

That's the furthest this hand can reach. It can't go any further.

Broken paragraphs, fragmented thoughts. Oh well.

The Invisible Man

Simply drifting through the costumed crowd; attempting to soak in as much of the festive aura as possible. Pretty much the last Halloween around this neighbourhood; afterall. The simple act of removing the badge made a pretty convincing "costume": "I'm dressed as a PAP member!" (and isn't that the worst monster?) Just kidding, of course~

I didn't have the temerity to go trick-or-treating in that getup, of course. Didn't feel up to it; and going solo; I'd just have felt like an over-grown manchild. Company does make retarded stuff feel more appealing haha. All the deco was pretty good; many were so into it; then there were the "candy grubbers" who merely donned the obligatory witch's hat or devil horns and went door to door with their NTUC plasticbags loading up on sweets. I used to number among them a few years back; armed with a camera. "I'm dressed as a cameraman!"

Too old for Halloween, now; but not too old to want to ignore it completely. Feeling the need for people around me; yet wholly unable to blend in; merely wending my way through the crowd; bemused smile on my face; there, yet not there; really. Gazes landed on me, briefly; before sliding past; preoccucied with identifying the next sugar dispenser. "Nice costume, dude" a bunch of guys called after me; barely registering a response.

Am I here? Or am I not? And does it make a difference?

We all can't be strong; and even the strongest of us need some validation of our existence. That's just the way we roll.

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